[ giggling ] ...with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin in... go-o-o-o-o, springfield! man: and what a turnout for springfield's annual homecoming parade this is. everybody's here, but everybody -- students... everybody except a couple of old grads by the name of margaret and jim anderson. there's an air of excitement as old friends get together here on the campus tonight. the wonderful aroma of a huge bonfire just fills this crisp autumn evening. [ sighs longingly ] [ sighs grumpily ] homecoming -- there's nothing like it. i'll say there isn't. one dress, formal, for betty -- $45.

you people sitting at home just don't know what you're missing. [ cheering ] ladies and gentlemen, the springfield college alma mater. [ band plays alma mater ] jim... what does this remind you of? oh...it reminds me of several things, most of all that i'm very happy... to be home in our comfortable living room instead of sitting on those hard bleacher seats, that i prefer our own fireplace to a smoky bonfire,

in spite of the fact that she's far too sentimental. morning, everyone. good morning, betty. did you have a good time last night, betty? i guess so, but i'll be glad when all this homecoming business is over. you'll be glad when it's over? why? 'cause i'm beat. i have to spend all afternoon decorating the gym. there's a luncheon for the alumni this noon. you better eat before you go over there. that place is loaded with alums. every time you turn around, somebody's slapping someone on the back and saying, "remember old pete" or "old joe" or "old jack?" "not old jack glutengrogger!" "yeah, how is old jack anyway?" "oh, old jack's about the same. getting a little paunchy around the equator." i get the message, betty. homecomings sound like fun. well, they are, if you can live through them. this all may be very hilarious to you now, betty,

some of these moments that are so boring to you. oh. but then it'll be too late. and all you'll be able to do is to look back and wonder why you didn't appreciate your college days more. mother -- i wish i could grow up faster so i could start looking back on things sooner. that day will be here soon enough, angel. you'll be wearing a lovely formal like this, going to all the dances and parties. your biggest problem in life will be which boyfriend to take to the prom, which dress to wear. press the neckline a little bit, betty. that should [exhales] finish it. [ whistling ] oh, hi. boy, am i starved! betty: mother? your breakfast is on the table, dear. mother? what's the matter with your mother? i think i hurt her feelings. well, she feels bad because she has to look back on homecomings

honey? oh, i'm sorry. it's -- it's just that -- oh, you're right. i get too sentimental over homecomings. darn it all, i resent growing older. i know it's wrong, but i do. particularly when i don't feel any older than i did when i was in college. do you? no, i don't... until i look for my best tie and find it on bud. [ laughs ] [ chimes playing alma mater ] do you hear those chimes, jim? uh-huh. they're beautiful. when i was in school, i never thought of them as being beautiful.

was going on in the auditorium. and that we had a legitimate reason for cutting class. [ chuckles ] [ vocalizing alma mater ] remember that last homecoming dance we went to, jim? i sure do. we drove 50 miles to get there, and once we got there, we couldn't turn around and get home fast enough. i'm talking about when we were in college -- my last year. oh, that dance. [ laughs ] how could i forget it? that's the dance you got so mad at me 'cause i danced twice with that good-looking redhead. you danced three times with her. oh! you both have a perfect driving record. >>perfect.

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what was her name? [ hastily ] evelyn! ah, yes. [ chuckles ] and then there was, uh... joyce. ah, what a crush she had on me. she had a crush on anyone who so much as looked at her. and then there was, um... gloria. you know, margaret, all of a sudden,

jim, haven't you gone to work yet? i just got to looking through one of my old college yearbooks, margaret. guess what i found? moths? [ laughs ] hardly. evelyn's picture -- look. funny, i didn't remember she was a discus thrower. margaret, this is evelyn. oh! oh, this one. [ chuckles ] beautiful girl, wasn't she? i wonder if she's still fighting a weight problem. ah, here's a picture of joyce. well, what a bundle of charm she was. oh, i understand she's a grandmother now -- grandma joyce. so she married young. here's the picture i was looking for --

ruff! jim? aren't you overdoing the sentiment a bit? oh, i don't know, honey. it just seems like the more i reminisce, the more nostalgic i become. as a matter of fact, i might even be talked into going to that homecoming dance. jim, really? why not? oh, i see. so you'll look for some of those old memories of yours, is that it? like evelyn and joyce and, uh, guh-loria? that's right, honey, so i can see them and be eternally grateful that you were the lucky girl who finally got me. uh! oh, you're home early, betty. i got to change clothes and hurry back to the gym. take your father's tuxedo upstairs, will you, betty? oh, it looks like you trapped him into going to that dance tonight. how did you do it?

over some of his old girlfriends. well, don't let that bother you. it just so happens that i met one of your old boyfriends this noon. which one was it? old pete or old tom or old jack cluggaratta? old daniel. not daniel har-- you mean daniel harrison? he was at the alumni luncheon. and when he found out i was your daughter, he couldn't ask enough questions. daniel harrison. he's kind of cute, even now. he was kind of cute even then. [ doorbell rings ] i'll get it. that's probably my corsage, i hope. mother, it's for you. for me? what is it, dear? i don't know. open the box. let's see. roses!

this must be a joke of some kind. pretty expensive joke. what does the card say, mother? "to margaret anderson from an old flame." what? how exciting! how romantic. how come no name? pretty sneaky, if you ask me. sneaky and wonderful. now, who do you suppose would... of course! daniel! daniel! daniel? good old sneaky daniel. well, i should have known right away. who is daniel? oh, uh...just an old memory of mine, dear. daniel? hey. oh, sorry, dear. i brought all the old yearbooks i could find. oh, bring them. put them right there, bud. let me see. it's 1934.

wow! who sprung for the roses? an old boyfriend of mom's. honest? where will i find his picture, mom? well, look in the hall of fame division. what's his name? daniel. daniel harrison. i don't know what makes you so sure it was daniel. there was no name. well, who else could it be, jim? after all, we were engaged once, and he is in town. bud: oh, here's his picture, mom. oh, he was voted man of the year, you know? yeah, and best all-around track star, too. how come you didn't marry him, mommy? he may have been a track star, kathy, but he couldn't run fast enough to catch your mother. i hold the record there. maybe he's an endurance runner. 25 years later, and he's still running after her. somebody better inform him the race is over. betty, come here, we're looking at mommy's old boyfriends. well, i haven't time right now. mother...may i see you a minute?

we're having a hilarious time. you'll find more about daniel in the "most likely to succeed" department, too, bud.

what is it, betty? forget daniel. what? ever know anyone by the name of fred? not fred udger? class of '34? don't tell me he's in town, too. blazer, turtleneck sweater, raccoon coat. oh, betty. seriously, though, he's on the same committee i'm on for the dance tonight. we got to talking, and he said he knew you very well. well, we were kind of a thing once. i think he sent the roses. maybe. he was always very sentimental. he sent me flowers on my birthday and all. he's good-looking, too -- tall, slender,

oh, i wish i knew! oh, how stupid of me. i know how to find out. turn the radio on, betty. i don't want your father to hear. i'll call the florist. he'll tell me. after all, i know him. oh, watch the door, dear. [ telephone rings ] good afternoon. springfield florist. oh, mr. thorne? yes? oh, yes, mrs. anderson. uh-huh. uh-huh. uh-huh. unh-unh. but i've got to know. shh! it's very important. mrs. anderson, believe me, this, uh, project is highly classified, top secret. not till i'm cleared through security. all right, mr. thorne,

not even a lead? nothing. oh, i think i'll do a little reconnaissance. you better hurry. the enemy forces are moving in closer. oh! i wish you could have been at the florist shop with me. it was so easy. well, even mr. thorne didn't know i was there. i just walked in, and before i could figure out my strategy, in came my secret admirer. it's a wonder he didn't see you. well, he would have if it hadn't been for a split philodendron. and he's sending you a corsage, too, besides the roses? you know, betty? i feel almost like i was back in college again, going to my first homecoming dance. [ chuckles ] [ doorbell rings ] i'm really very excited! thank you. well, whoever's saying it with flowers around here is yelling it out loud. oh, thanks, bud. for me, too? right.

it's good you're ready this time. it's about time. jim: margaret? how lovely -- oh! honey, aren't you ready ye-- oh! what's that? oh...it's just an old orchid corsage. it's even bigger than mine. fred was always very generous. fred?! what happened to old daniel? i think he's out of the running. fred who? well, don't tell me you've forgotten fred udger. class of 1934. president of the student body. cadet colonel. i don't remember him. i don't know how you could forget anyone as important as fred. i'll show you his picture. where is that yearbook we were looking at this afternoon? i don't know. betty: oh, here it is. oh, surely you remember the big military ball. fred led the grand march. i'll never forget how handsome he looked in his uniform. oh, here he is.

this is fuh-red. r-r-r-r-r-ruff! well, he probably doesn't look so "r-r-r-ruff" now. after all, it's been 25 years since you've seen him. i hate to disappoint you, father, but i saw him today. you did? and all i can say is... wowie-wow-wow. i'm beginning to feel sorry for old daniel. i'm beginning to feel a little sorry for old jim. [ chuckles ] maybe you'd better read the enclosed card, mother, just to make sure it's fred. oh, there's no doubt in my mind. of all the boyfriends i had, fred was the most romantic. "dear margaret, "one of my fondest memories of college days was our first waltz together." fred was a magnificent dancer. "remember? "you waited for me on a moonlit balcony,

gives me goose bumps. well, go on. don't stop now. "for the sake of old times, margaret, may i have the first waltz tonight?" [ chuckles ] that's fred, all right. did he sign his name this time? no, it just says, "from your same old flame." [ jazzy music plays ] [ applause ] well... turned out to be a pretty good homecoming dance. oh, it's wonderful, jim.

don't tell me you're actually gonna keep that rendezvous with whatever-his-name-is. fred? well, of course i am, dear. what am i supposed to do while you're, uh, dancing with somebody else? there's always gloria. [ flourish plays ] honey, look, um -- man: ladies and gentlemen... shh! ...choose your partners for the first waltz of the evening. [ applause ] jim...this is it. margaret, wait a minute. now, you promised me that i could have this one dance with my old flame. [ sighs ] okay. i certainly don't want to...cramp your style.

jim anderson, you promised! margaret, honestly i-i-i hate to disappoint you.

if i do leave, you're gonna be sitting here alone. what? [ sighs ] i...sent you those roses, honey, and the corsage. you mean it -- it wasn't fred? no. or daniel? unh-unh. old jim. i guess you're stuck with... the same old flame you've had ever since he saw you for the first time... ...standing on a balcony... in the moonlight... looking prettier than any flower ever created.

if it'll make you feel any better, i'll try to find fred for you or...daniel or...anybody. [ laughing ] oh, jim, i can't keep it any longer. i knew it was you all the time. what? do you think for one moment that i wanted it to be anybody else? margaret anderson... that's the lowest, meanest trick you've ever pulled on me in your whole life. i know, but i had to have some answer to joyce and evelyn and -- and guh-loria. jim...

will you dance with me? margaret...how do i know you knew that i was your old flame? you don't. but in the years to come, when you're sitting in our comfortable living room, dreaming in front of the fireplace,

- [voiceover] robert young and jane wyatt (kids laughing) with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin in father knows best. (lively music) - shall we wrestle the best two out of three falls, errol? (audience laughing) - give me a chance, you've already thrown me once. let's make it three out of five. - okay, three out of five. watch out for my half nelson. - i'm watching. (audience laughing) (growling) - ahh. ahh. (audience laughing) - give up? - no, you gotta pin both shoulders. (audience laughing) - now say uncle. - uncle! uncle! (audience laughing) - kathy! - [kathy] yes, mommy?

you have to get ready for dinner. - oh, alright. (errol gasping) - will you come back tomorrow after school, errol? - well, i guess so. but not for wrestling. (audience laughing) - [kathy] well how 'bout football? - sure. i'll see you tomorrow. - [kathy] yeah. (audience laughing) - mother, if you're not careful we're gonna have a lady wrestler in the family. - we've got to de-emphasize sports around here. - [kathy] what's the idea makin me come in? dinner won't be ready for hours. - well it'll take you that long to get scrubbed and presentable. - kathy, don't you think you're getting a little old to be wrestling boys and playing football? - what else is there to do? - well, you can invite a few girls over once in awhile. - haven't you made friends with any new girls since you started junior high? - well i've tried real hard, but they don't seem to want me around. even patty doesn't notice me anymore. she never comes over. - last year you and patty were the best of friends.

she's having a bunch of girls over friday night, do you think she asked me? well what am i, an oddball or something? - well there comes a time when girls like girls who act more, well, more like girls. (audience laughing) - you mean i should act the way they do, and be a stuffed shirt? - no! just be a normal, average girl. - i don't think i'm the type. (audience laughing) - (knocking) may i come in? - why, patty! - [betty] oh, hello, patty! - [margaret] please do. - patty! gee, am i glad to see you! (audience laughing) - [margaret] oh, oh, oh! oh, oh! - here. i'm sorry. - you know, you were always kathy's favorite. - that's alright, i just didn't want to get my dress dirty. - can you come upstairs and talk to me while i get washed?

mrs. anderson, mother sent me over to return this book she borrowed. she says thank you very much. - well i hope she enjoyed it. - yeah. - patty? have you made all the plans for your party? - well, it's not really a party, kathy. i've just asked a few new girls i've met. well, goodbye. - goodbye. - [kathy] patty, wait a minute. - i really have to go, kathy. see you in school tomorrow. (sad music) - you see? i try to be friendly. - i don't think kathy's adjusting very well to junior high. - when she comes up with a mass of bruises and abrasions, i'd say she's right in the spirit of things. - she shouldn't go in for such rough play. but she feels the girls haven't accepted her, so she plays with the boys. - what do you mean the girls haven't accepted her? - i think they're afraid of her.

practically crushed her ribs with that playful bear hug. - [bud] hey, why don't we hire kathy out to the circus. the bear that walks like a girl. (growling) - [jim] now wait a minute, this is no joking matter. if she feels rejected at school it's gonna become a big problem to her. we've got to find a solution. - i've got the solution, she should have been a boy. (audience laughing) - i wish i were a boy. i'm just a nothing, and everybody sits around criticizing and feeling sorry for me. - oh kathy. - i'm a misfit, and everybody hates me! (crashing music) - [jim] whoa! - oh! we love you, we just love you dear kathy. (kathy crying) - of course we do, honey. you're the most important thing in the world to us. (kathy crying) - [kathy] how can i be happy if i'm rejected. i'm a freak. (crying) - oh i was just kidding about that circus thing. - i didn't mean what i said either, kathy. you're much too pretty to be a boy. (kathy crying)

(kathy crying) - [jim] you don't really mean that, kitten. maybe you aren't getting along with the other girls, because you resent them, for the moment. and you're fighting back by trying to be different from the rest. (kathy crying) - [kathy] who wants to be like silly girls you can't get along with. - well i'll tell you how to get along with girls. you gotta act silly, too. you gotta squeal and then giggle a lot. (giggling girlishly) (laughing) - oh, if bud were a girl i'd resign from the species. (audience laughing) - [margaret] pay no attention to bud, angel. just be nice to the girls and show an interest in activities i promise you, they'll be nice to you. - kitten, i don't think your mother would give you any poor advice.

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and start improving your hearing and your life today. (kathy laughing) - isn't that the most hysterical thing anybody ever did in their entire life! (girls laughing) - what's so hysterical, patty? - oh, nothing that would interest you, kathy. now i've got to go and phone my mother. (laughing) - what happened? - it's a panic. when i left home, i forgot to bring my lunch! (laughing) - i'll share mine with you, i've got plenty for two-- - no, thanks, i'll phone mother. (laughing) - but it may not be at home (girls all talking) (gasps) (sad music) - [patty] kathy anderson! - i'm sorry. - i can't understand why you're so rough and stupid. this is my brand new dress. - it was an accident, patty, i didn't mean to. - [patty] she's a terrible girl, go away. - patty, wait!

- well i thought if i got kathy something feminine and frilly to wear instead of those plain dresses and blue jeans she insists on, that it might encourage her to be more careful and ladylike. do you approve? - [betty] oh! well it doesn't look much like our kathy but i think it's gorgeous. - [margaret] oh! is she home yet? - [betty] well she's up in her room. i don't think she had a very good day at school. - oh? - where'd you get that thing? - what's the matter with this thing? i'd hope you'd like it. - take it back, i won't wear it. - well kathy, it's a beautiful dress. - it's the kind of junk that patty'd wear. today i did exactly what you told me to, mommy. and it turned out just awful. from now on i'm friendly only with the boys. they like me. - well i notice the boys like patty and the other girls, too. - yes, they even take them to the movies on saturday afternoon. but do they ever ask you? - why errol would take me if i asked him. - angel, the trick is in getting him to ask you.

- alright, just wait until he comes over this afternoon to play football with me. i'll show you, i don't have to be like patty to get taken out. - well at least patty can get dates without acting like a fullback. (audience laughing) - you want to throw some passes? - [kathy] errol? why don't we just sit down and talk? - what's the matter, you sick? - no, but... (audience laughing) football's kind of rough and unladylike for a girl. - gosh, kathy, you don't have to worry. i never think of you as a girl. (audience laughing) - anyway, we are best friends. - sure. - and we could do other things together. - yeah, sure. - errol, have you seen the new movie at the tivley? - not yet. i may go see it saturday afternoon. - have you thought about taking anybody with you? - what for? (audience laughing) - well, for the same reason you come over here to play football! - you don't need anybody to help you watch a movie.

look, do you want to throw some passes or don't you? - may as well. we aren't getting anywhere this way. (audience laughing) - [patty] kathy? - oh, hi, patty. - can i speak to you alone for a minute? - [kathy] we can talk, i have no secrets from errol. errol, this is patty. patty, this is errol. - hi. - hi! - kathy, i'm sorry i was so rude to you today. - that's alright. i'm sorry i tore your dress. - kathy! did you tear her dress! - i didn't mean to, errol. - it was nice of you offering to share your lunch with me. mother wasn't home when i called, so i didn't get any! (laughing) - you went without lunch? - yes. - gee! i'll take you to the corner for a malt if you want one. - you don't have to spend your money on her, errol. we can go raid our refrigerator. - thanks just the same, but wouldn't you rather go to the sugar shack for a double monster malt? they're real neat. - well, i... - sure you would, come on. here kathy, you can keep the ball.

(audience laughing) - [errol] oh, they're real big, all this whip cream. - bye, errol. - hey squeegee, you want to catch a few? - you catch them. (frisky music) (audience laughing) - hey, where you going? - i'm gonna start being a boy hater. (frisky music) - what? - your boyfriend get away? - that's what i get for trying to be a girl.

(frisky music) - [betty] kathy? - (sighs) yeah? come in. - why don't you come down and join the family instead of pining away in your room. - who's pining? you think i care because that fickle errol took silly patty for a malt?

- i'm not jealous! (audience laughing) please leave me alone. - look, do you want to get errol back or don't you? - well, i don't want patty to have him. - alright, give her some competition. force yourself into that new dress. try a new hairdo, use a tiny bit of makeup. - makeup! ugh! (audience laughing) (frisky music) - i'll speak to mother about it. nothing will make a boy sit up and take notice like a little glamour. let him get a whiff of tantalizing perfume. let him hear the rustle of silk. - i couldn't stand myself. (audience laughing) - don't knock it before you've tried it. right now is the time to start. i'm gonna show you what can't be done with a little bit of-- - now wait a minute, betty! - come on, let's give you a bubble bath. - now don't rush me, come on-- - oh, come on now, - no! (audience laughing) - hi, honey. - oh hello, dear. - [jim] well, how did kathy like the finery you (kissing) charmed me out of this afternoon? - oh, she wants no part if it.

- i'm afraid she's had a bad day, and to top it off, she's lost errol. - oh, why? - hi, dad. - hello, bud. (audience laughing) - hey, now what's the idea of bombing me with the bluejay's? - don't ask questions, just get rid of them. - what's going on upstairs? - kathy's decided to try being a girl, and as long as she's in the mood i'm gonna get her all gussied up. - [bud] why get her all dolled up just to sit around the house? - at least we can show her how different she can look. - you know, bud's got something there. there's nothing more disappointing for a girl then to get all dressed up with no place to go. - oh i wish patty - oh, thanks. had asked her to her hen party tonight. - wait a minute! she doesn't have to be disappointed. why don't we cook up a little surprise party for kathy. - well who could we ask? all the girls she knows are going to patty's. - well can't we invite some boys over? nothing like a flock of men around to bolster a gal's morale. - it's a wonderful idea, father!

(audience laughing) - well, she needs some high heels to go with that dress, and there's just time to run down to the teen shop. bye now. (jim laughing) - now don't crush this. - i'll get on the phone and call boys. - oh, bud, you drive me to delphina's to get some party things. - [bud] sure, fire up the chariot. take care this, will ya, dad? (audience laughing) - this can't change completely through the years. ice cream and cake are pretty reliable decoys. (phone ringing) - hello? oh hi, mr. anderson. come to a party for kathy? gee, i don't know if i can make it. - oh, i think you'll enjoy it, errol. sodas, sandwiches, ice cream cake, and a few special surprises. you can? (audience laughing) oh, say about quarter to eight. fine, i'll see you then, yeah. (laughing) (phone ringing) hello? this is richard norton thackerberry. hi, mr. anderson!

for ice cream and cake and stuff. can you come over? fine! we'll be expecting you. (door slamming) goodbye, sir. (audience laughing) - [kathy] hi, daddy. who were you talking to? - oh, just a prospective client. (audience laughing) - betty started making me over, then left. (laughing) did she give up? - oh, no! betty, bud, and your mother all had shopping to do. she'll get back to you. - daddy? can we talk man to man? - sure. but why can't we talk girl to man? - why does everybody keep hammering at me about being a girl? i'm taking a run at it, aren't i? look at my hair, and look at my nails. i even took a bubble bath! boy, what i'm going through to be a woman. (audience laughing) - well isn't that little enough trouble to go to

- me? a queen? (audience laughing) - that's what every girl can become sometime, to some man. (romantic music) lovely, and gracious, the most, that's what your mother is to me. - well gee, if i could be like mommy-- - you can! i'll let you in on her tricks, although she doesn't think i know them. - you really mean mommy plays tricks? - oh, i mean, cute things. like being dependent, a little helpless now and then, expecting me to take over. you see, men like to be galloped. all you have to do is give them the opportunity. - well, isn't that kind of taking advantage of you guys? (audience laughing) - no, we men are happiest when we can be the big, male protectors.

and he'll go all out to prove you're right. - say! we girls have got it made. all we have to do is sit back and be waited on! (audience laughing) - you mustn't overdue it. (audience laughing) it's very important for a girl to be capable and self-sufficient. - i am! i can beat errol wrestling any day. (audience laughing) - worst thing you can do. never try to beat a man at his own game. you just beat the women at theirs. - i'll remember, daddy. but are you sure it'll work? - well, your mother's worked it on me over 20 years. (audience laughing) - thanks for telling me. (both laughing) (uplifting music) - [jim] ahh! - isn't she darling? - [jim] now, that's really something! - [bud] yeah, she looks okay. - [jim] you betcha! (laughing)

- [all] oh! (laughing) - walking on stilts you'll have to get used to if you're going to be a lady! (jim laughing) (doorbell ringing) - [jim] bud, will you see who's at the door? - if it's for me, i'm not home in this outfit. (margaret and betty laughing) - why does everybody have such a peculiar look? - i think it's the signal to announce our big surprise. - what's the surprise? - you're having a party tonight, and that's probably your guests arriving. - a party, wow! who's coming? (audience laughing) - you wait and see! - [kathy] now wait a minute, (all talking at once) - [bud] hi errol, fell you do all this research on a perfect car then smash it into a tree. your insurance company raises your rates. maybe you should have done more research on them. for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. just one of the many features

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kathy'll be down in just a minute. there we go. now, right over here. you there. there. and you over here. that's just about right.

- oh kathy, remember, no sliding down the banister railing. - stand up straight and go down slowly. - keep your head high, shoulders back. oh! (audience laughing) - okay. - go slowly dear, slowly. - that's it. watch it now. - hold your head up, honey. (romantic music) - gee kathy! you've turned into a girl! - errol! (screaming) (audience laughing) - [errol] kathy! - [jim] did you hurt yourself? did you turn your ankle? - i think maybe i did sprain my ankle. it's these high heels. - well here, honey, i'll help you to the living room. come on. stand up. - [errol] oh, oh, oh, i'll do it, mr. anderson. - [jim] oh, thank you, errol. - [errol] richard, get in on the other side and we'll help her up. easy kathy. put your arm around my shoulder. - [richard] yeah, mine, too. - i think maybe that's a good idea. (audience laughing) (everyone talking at once) (frisky music)

- ready for another bite, kathy? - mm-hmm. - here, have some cake, kathy. (doorbell ringing) - i'll get it. - hello, mr. anderson. - hello patty, barbara. - hello, mr. anderson. - mr. anderson? - [jim] mm-hmm? - we're having a scavenger hunt, and we're looking for a golf ball with three cuts and a cover. - well, i'm not sure i have one that good, but i'll take a look. (laughing) (kids talking) (audience laughing) - [jim] why don't you (kathy laughing) go in the living room and see kathy. she sprained her ankle. - yeah. (laughing) - [barbara] bad? no, nothing serious. the doctor'll be over later on to take a look at it. go on in while i look for that golf ball. there's cake and ice cream coming up. (frisky music) we've got a couple of scavenger hunters out there. will you feed them while i pretend to look for a golf ball? - oh, i'll bring it right in. - [betty] it looks like patty's party's moving over here. - [jim] yeah. (laughing) - [kathy] gee, i'm glad you girls stopped by. - so are we! (audience laughing)

- you look just wonderful, kathy. - oh, thanks! - oh, no, gotta keep it propped up, kathy. - i think it's just terrible about your ankle. - hello, girls. - hello, mrs. anderson. - hello, mrs. anderson. - thank you. this is the greatest! my party is so dull. - patty? why don't you phone home and ask the other girls to come over. - i think that's a splendid idea. - may i? - oh, please do. - oh do it, do it! (kids laughing) - the girls'll be simply hysterical if they couldn't come over and sit with kathy and her sprained ankle. (audience laughing) - you shouldn't worry about me, this isn't so bad. (audience laughing) - [margaret] bye! - [richard] neat party, goodnight. - [jim] thank you. - i'll be back to see you tomorrow, kathy. okay? - not without me, you don't. (audience laughing) - that'll be just great if you both come. (audience laughing) - bye, errol.

- [errol] bye, thank you. - [jim] thank you for coming over. goodbye. - well, it's all over. except for doing the dishes. (frisky music) - [kathy] thank you, mommy. (audience laughing) - [jim] hey, hey, hey! - i thought someone had a sprained ankle. - huh? oh! (audience laughing) - (laughing) all of a sudden it feels better. (audience laughing) - why you little faker. - well you said be a little helpless and feminine. and it sure got me all the attention. gee, it's wonderful to be a girl. - what kind of conspiracy is this? - well daddy told me the secret of how you get everything you want out of life. - why jim anderson, i never use my wiles on you, very often. (laughing) - who's complaining? (laughing) - uncle! uncle! (all laughing) (audience clapping) (theme music)

[ ] [ ] ohh! why, linda! hello! hello, phil. you--you startled me. i was just passing by here, and you're the last person in the world i expected to see.

you know i work in this building for mr. baxter. i have a wonderful idea. now, as long as we've chanced to meet again, why don't we have dinner together? we can laugh over old times. laugh? well, i don't find old times that funny. well, then, maybe we could find out what's new with both of us, and we could laugh-- thank you very much, but i'm not free tonight. i'm going to a party with one of mr. baxter's law partners, harry noll. harry noll? he's old enough to be your father! he's a very charming and sophisticated man. he's a cradle-robber! oh, harry! [laughing] oh, there she is! linda! oh, just a second... harry! well, it's been so nice seeing you again, phil. goodbye. well, linda, we're going to see you at the party this evening, aren't we? i wouldn't miss it for anything in the world. of course she'll be there.

my all-time favorite. and that covers a lot of time! and a lot of favorites! we'll see you at the party. come on, linda, i'll drive you home. - see you tonight! - see you later! bye! here comes hazel! - good. - there, now. aren't you ashamed of yourself, complaining about being kept waiting. well, she's not here yet, is she? she's only 50 feet away. knowing hazel, that's as good as 50 miles. if and when she gets here, i'll stop complaining. oh, phil! [chuckles] i almost ran over ya! hello, hazel, how are you? she's met somebody. what'd i tell you? well, you waitin' for linda? no, no, i-- when are you two gettin' married? you know, i got-- i got a new recipe for a wedding cake that i'm just busting to try out. it's full of nuts. oh... [laughs] no reflection against the state of matrimony. no, no. i'm afraid a wedding ceremony is pretty far off. how far?

i got time. well, who is she talking to, anyway? i don't know. i think i saw him drive your secretary to the house once or twice. maybe he's her brother or something. [honks horn] george, please! hazel, really, i'd rather not go into it right now, and please don't mention anything to the baxters about this. oh, they don't even know you and linda are in love. mr. b seems to be having a little trouble with his horn. i guess i'd better run on. oh, say, tomorrow is saturday. why don't you come around in the morning, and i'll give you some coffee and cake. comin', mr. b! and then you can tell me all about it. okay. i would like to tell somebody and get it off my chest. fine! i'll see ya in the morning. oh, for pete's sake. is that all that's wrong between you and linda? all? she won't have anything to do with me. it's been over a month since she threw that dictionary at me. well, have you ever tried taking her tenderly in your arms and giving her a great big wonderful kiss?

that's when she tried to throw the typewriter at me. you see, that redhead she saw sitting on my lap was her roommate. well, were you romancing that redhead while linda was working nights for mr. b? nooo, no. now, hazel, you know that i'm not bragging about my charms, but that redhead made a play for me. well, did you tell linda that? yes, yes, i did, and that's when she threw the flower vase at me. [doorbell rings] i'll be right back. [doorbell rings] comin' on the double! oh, linda! oh, boy, what a break! come on in! good morning, hazel. mr. baxter phoned me at home. he apologized for asking me to work on saturday, but he needed these contracts from the office. he's right in the den. i'll get him. mr. b! oh, hazel! i'm sorry! i thought you was in the-- 'morning, linda. good morning, mr. baxter. excuse me. thank you for bringing these over. i'll be wanting you to take these contracts back to the office as soon as i look them over. why don't you have hazel make you a cup of coffee. - she's here! - who?

uh-oh. a flower vase, a dictionary, or a typewriter? no, no. she just brought some contracts for mr. b. i'll tell you what-- why don't you take a walk around the block, and i'll get this all straightened out in no time. i'm very good at this sort of thing. i bet i get her all softened up, she'll throw her arms around ya. well, i don't know how you'll do it. well, she's thrown everything else at you. she hasn't got anything else but her arms left to throw! mr. baxter said to have some coffee while i'm waiting. oh, well, i'm just heating it up. - is mrs. baxter home? - no, she's downtown. linda, i want to talk to you about something. you feel all right? oh, yes, uh... that is, i think so. why? you look kind of peculiar. i feel kind of peculiar. what do you mean?

numb? i'm engaged. huh? i'm going to be married. who to?

[ ] last night, we were at this party. there were about 35 people there, and everyone kept raving about what perfect dance partners we were, what perfect bridge partners, what perfect everything partners we were, and then someone said, "why don't you two get married?" and then everybody took it up and began saying, "why don't you two get married?" then they began to chant--

that's the kind of party i been lookin' for all my life. good morning, harry. i saw your car from the window. good mor-- [coughs] good morning. well, come on in. you look shaken. some legal problem? yes, that might be a very good way of putting it. well, come on in. if there's anything i could do to help-- uh, let's go into the den. i'm kind of busy on some contracts. - [telephone rings] - i'll get it, hazel! [ ] george... what's the best way to avoid a breach of promise suit? the best way to avoid a breach of promise suit is not to make promises. what's the second best way? what are you talking about? harry, we're corporation lawyers. you haven't accepted a breach of promise case, have you? no, i-- i haven't accepted one. i'm trying to avoid one.

in any messy stuff like that, now, do we? we certainly don't want to. i just possibly might get one dumped in my lap. well, sometimes we get stuck that way. sometimes we have to help a client with personal problems, but offhand i can think of only one or two of our clients dumb enough to get mixed up in anything like that. mr. griffin? no. no, not mr. griffin. well, you see, george, this poor fella's always thought of himself as a sort of charming playboy. he'd like to stay that way. [laughing] i knew it! old mr. barker. well, what has the numbskull done? written a girl some letters? no, no letters. that's one thing the numbskull missed. he just-- he just asked a girl to marry him. well, uh, was there a witness to the nitwit's proposal? i said, was there a witness? i'm counting.

35! it's an uneven number because it was at a party, and one fellow didn't have a date. i wish it'd been me. oh, no! 35 witnesses! why, he had a bigger audience than some television shows! well, we have no legal case. the man's as good as married. george, there must be some way out. harry, i can tell you, with 35 witnesses, barker is signed, sealed, and delivered to that ball and chain. it wasn't mr. barker. well, it had to be barker, or griffin. who else do we know that's that stupid? you? [laughing] harry, that's terrific! that's sensational! at last, at long last, some little red riding hood has bitten the wolf. [laughing] who's the girl? linda. [chuckles] linda?

not my secretary? [doorbell rings] harry, you can't do this to me. linda's the best secretary i've ever had. she used to be the best secretary you ever had. i don't want my wife to work! [doorbell rings] hazel, will you please answer the door? [ ] is she softened up? oh! why don't you take another walk around the block? i tell you what-- why don't you walk around that block there--

i'll bet i'm right. how much do you wanna bet? it had absolutely nothing to do with phil. how much do you want to bet? you got mad a phil and you wanted to hurt him, so you accepted mr. noll's proposal. but i wasn't even thinking of phil. it was the excitement, everyone urging us to get married,

and now i don't know how to get out of it. oh, well, all you gotta do is to just tell him you changed your mind. and if there was a law against women changing their minds, we'd all be in jail. it's not that i don't like him. i do. i'm really quite fond of him. but you don't love him. no. and you don't wanna marry him. no. then all you gotta do is just tell him you've been considering the pros and cons, and the cons won. just tell him that you're very honored that he offered himself and his name, but that you've decided to be an old maid. an old maid! but who said anything about being an old maid? well, you don't want to marry phil and you don't want to marry mr. noll. that's the way you're heading. but if we was to consider all of phil's good points, maybe we could make out a case for him. no, i've-- i've already said yes to mr. noll, and he's deliriously in love with me.

george, you know i don't want to get married, at least not till i'm a little older. i want to have some fun out of life while i'm still young. i don't want you to get married either. i don't want to give up the best secretary i've ever had. george, you don't understand the urgency of this. we told everybody we were going to be married today, this morning! linda's sitting at home right now, waiting for me to call her and take her to the license bureau. she isn't sitting at home. she's in the kitchen with hazel. she-- she's here? yes. come on, we'll have a little talk with her. she-- she's here? harry, will you stop dragging your feet? i'm not dragging my feet. i just happen to have weak knees. i'll sit down and massage them. you go talk to her. all right, you sit here and i'll bring her here. must you? harry, i'm gonna help you wiggle out of this for my own sake. it's simply a matter of giving her reasons why she shouldn't marry you--

but, hazel, how can i tell him i don't love him? oh, uh, linda, would you mind coming into the den for a moment? certainly, mr. baxter. if you're through with the contracts, i'll take them back to the office for you. well, as a matter of fact, i haven't looked at the contracts yet, but harry noll and i would like to have a little talk with you. harry is here? yes. we'd like to have just a little chat. harry is here? i can't do it, hazel. i can't face him. make up some excuse to tell mr. baxter. [ ] [ ] linda, darling. harry, dear! i was just hurrying home to call you.

hurrying home to get the call. i mean, i, uh-- i would have called you earlier, but i thought you might be sleeping late. oh, well, i-- i didn't sleep late. in fact, i didn't sleep at all. neither did i. and in all this confusion, we won't be able to get to the license bureau. it's saturday. closes at noon. they do? oh, what a shame. yeah, it's an awful piece of bad luck. yes. yes. yes. yes. when mr. noll proposed last night, he swept her off her feet and she said yes, but believe me, she didn't mean it. when mr. noll proposed, believe me, he didn't mean it either. and now she ain't got the nerve to tell him. neither has mr. noll. well, believe me, i got the nerve! i'll fix it. hazel, now you stay out of this.

i'll handle it. but phil is the one she really loves, only she won't admit it. i gotta get them two together. hazel, don't start playing cupid. we have enough cupid around here as it is. i'm up to here in cupid. well, sometimes it takes a third person to help. and sometimes three's a crowd. now, please, stay out of this. [doorbell rings] we, uh-- we met out in the yard. uh, linda, harry, please come into the living room. please, please, come in and sit down. there's, uh, something i have to say to both of you. sit down. [clears throat] now, then. impetuosity is a wonderful thing, most of the time. sometimes it's that spirit of inspiration that sends us soaring to the skies, but on the other hand,

the failure to weigh all the elements involved, can plunge us into an action we later regret. i'll say. mr. b's always saying i'm going off half-cocked. hazel, maybe you would like to say this. okay. you see... no! hazel, please, isn't there something you could do in the kitchen? strain spinach or something? hazel: spinach? we ain't having spinach. you don't like spinach. every time i go to cook spinach, you complain! never mind! now, as i was saying-- linda! harry! darlings! congratulations! congratulations! i have never been so happy for two people in my life! you deserve each other! darling--! hey, come on in! they're here! - hurry up! they're here! - hurry up! where are you going on your honeymoon? what this house needs is a trap door right where missy's standing. harry? uh...well, we-- we haven't decided yet. darling.

maybe we ought to start a fire in the wastebasket. harry! congratulations! congratulations! we missed you at the license bureau! oh, they didn't show up! we thought you'd eloped. you couldn't do that to us. no, sir! we're not gonna let you two elope! well, you see, we... [mumbles] ...didn't we, harry? yes, that's what happened. well, we were delayed, and then it was too late to go to the license bureau, and, uh... yes, and then now it's closed-- absolutely closed! not to you, harry, not to you! [laughter and chatter] harry, may i present mrs. logan. she is a cousin of my secretary. how do you do, mr. noll. how do you do. and she's a clerk at the license bureau. i brought along a form. and better still, her husband's a justice of the peace. they kind of work hand in glove. he can be here in half an hour.

[laughter and chatter] well, let's be optimists, mr. b. maybe they'll be very happy together. you pay your car insurance premium like clockwork. month after month. year after year. then one night, you hydroplane into a ditch. yeah... surprise... your insurance company tells you to pay up again. why pay for insurance if you have to pay even more for using it? if you have liberty mutual deductible fund , you could pay no deductible at all. sign up to immediately lower your deductible by $100. and keep lowering it $100 annually, until it's gone. then continue to earn that $100 every year. there's no limit to how much you can earn and this savings applies to every vehicle on your policy. call

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here ya are, mr. b. thanks, hazel. if you need any more ice cubes, we've got plenty more in the freezer. sort of feel selfish, keeping all this to myself. mr. noll needs it a lot more than i do. oh, mr. noll don't need no ice bag. if his feet got any colder, i'd have to start the furnace. [doorbell rings] hello, winthrop? this is stan! yeah. where have you been? i've been doing an irish jig waitin' for you. come on in the kitchen. man: a friend of mine is getting married and wants a wedding ring.

would you bring a selection over to george baxter's house right away. don't argue, just write. but i don't think that i should write-- i'm not asking you to think. i'm just asking you to write what i tell you. now, go on. "dear linda, "i love you, and i'm asking your forgiveness. in a moment of weakness, when i took that girl in my arms..." oh, no, wait. whoa. i didn't take anybody in my arms. now, that redhead grabbed me. that's what you told linda, wasn't it? yes. and she didn't believe you, did she? no. like talking to a brick wall. well, the only thing to do when you hit a brick wall is to turn around and go in the opposite direction. but-- take the blame, ask her forgiveness. people like forgiving other people. it gives 'em sort of a holier-than-thou feeling. write. oh, harry, stanley and i are so happy for you. oh, well, we'll help linda decorate the house...

woman: you've got to have at least four bedrooms, for heaven's sake. i mean, all the children and all that sort of thing! well, stanley seemed to think it was a good idea! well, we discussed it and everything, and after mr. logan gets here... oh, phil! oh, i forgive you! but how could you do such a thing! oh, now, honey, that redheaded roommate of yours is the one-- i'm not talking about her, i'm talking about me. - how could you let me get myself into such a mess? - huh? how could you let me get frightened out of my wits like this? i-- i-- i-- phil, how could you do such a thing? well, he's sorry he let you do it, and he's begging you to forgive him. yes. yes! i-- i'm sorry, and i'm pleading with you to forgive me. oh, phil!

oh. oh, hello, harry. this is phil. he asked me to marry him. he has a prior claim. he has? congratulations! well, considering you've got a blank marriage license and a justice of the peace on the way, it seems a shame to waste 'em. who giveth this woman in marriage? i do! if there be any among you who know of a reason why these two should not be joined together, let him speak now or henceforth keep his peace.

[ ] hi, dad. hi, son. hello, dear. hello, darling. did you have a successful trip, george? - well, i-- - did he ever? boy, it was 100% successful! that's our man-- always 100% successful. did you see the president, dad? - well-- - oh, the man your dad was seeing was way further down the line than that. he was a-way, way, way down the line. oh, not that far down. how was the plane trip? smooth as glass. no turbulence at all. was your hotel comfortable, george?

he slept like a baby. not even the card game down the hall kept him awake. thank you, hazel, i'm glad to hear that. i-- george, what's the matter? the sound of my own voice. i haven't heard it for so long--it startled me. oh, mr. b, if i talk too much, you just stop me. how? your dad wouldn't take any money for what he did in washington, and so the man from the defense department heard about you, so he sent you this. what is it? i forgot to ask. what is it? yeah, come on. show it to us, mr. b. - what is it? - yeah. - [gasp] - old glory! whoa! it's beautiful! it's twice as big as our flag. - three times as big! - [phone ringing] i'll get it. oh, what we need now is a flagpole to go with it. hello? oh, hello, mr. griffin. i just flew in from washington. i just walked into the house.

don't you have them? please, mr. griffin, don't shout. i told you i was going to washington. i told you i'd have my partner, harry noll, draw them up. well, why didn't you call mr. noll at my office? he what? ain't it wonderful? we'll fly it on all the official flag days. inauguration day, lincoln's birthday, washington's birthday... - flag day, independence day... - mr. griffin, - [hazel continues] - i'll call you right back just as soon as i can reach my office. ...armed forces day... and columbus day and veterans' day, - that's right. - and the birthdays of all the states, and the state holidays. what is it, george? i have to go down to the office immediately. mr. b, we're gonna need a flagpole. we've got a flagpole. what happened, george? harry noll promised me he'd draw up some contracts for mr. griffin, but mr. griffin hasn't received them, and he's fit to be tied. we couldn't fly anything this big on our flagpole.

look, mr. b. look, mr. b! we could never put old glory on our flagpole. it would touch the ground. then get one where it doesn't. whee! [ ] mildred. is mr. noll in his office? thanks. - harry. - george, how are you? great to have you back. don't smile at me, you traitor. what have i done? that's exactly what i wanna know. what have you been doing? george. before i left, we had a meeting in my office. don't you remember what we agreed on? how could i forget it? we agreed that that waitress who brought our lunches up from the coffee shop had the shortest skirts we'd ever seen. harry. shortest skirts and the tallest hairdo. you know, they have very good food in that coffee shop. i've been going down there ever since.

now, we agreed that you draw up the griffin contracts while i was gone. there they are-- signed, sealed, and ready to be delivered. they were supposed to be delivered two days ago! griffin hit the ceiling. as a matter of fact, he hit the ceiling so hard, he won't be down for a week. oh, george, he was showing off. he likes to be on the ceiling. makes him feel above everybody else. you know who's getting the blame for this, don't you? me. now, george, you know those contracts aren't all that urgent. i know they aren't, but he thinks they are, and it's the same thing. now, you broke your word. you let met down. and i'm gonna examine every word of these contracts with a magnifying glass! george... out of respect for our warm friendship over the years, i'm gonna pretend i didn't hear you say that. you don't have to pretend you didn't hear me say a thing because i'm never gonna speak to you again. [door slams]

very well, george. i'll tell you what happened. and then when you get down on your knees to beg my forgiveness, i may or may not forgive you. this firm, in addition to serving large corporations, has always prided itself on extending a helping hand to the poor, the unfortunate, the little people of the world. well, they don't come any littler than you, buster. i was starting to prepare those contracts when a woman entered my office. a desperate, miserable, wretched woman sobbing as though her heart were breaking. with her was her frail, emaciated, little daughter. wait 'til i get my cello-- i'll accompany you. they needed legal help. the father, though perfectly innocent, was in jail, put there by the wicked machinations of another man. don't make me sick. unless the father was released, there would be no food in the house

harry. why didn't you turn them over to someone else in the office? george... unless you give of yourself, you give nothing. but, harry... ah, why am i boring you with sentiment? i can see that your heart is hardened.

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[ ] harry, uh... i'm sorry. oh, no, no, you needn't be. i know how it is when you get a case that involves kids. i try not to get sentimental about them, but i can't help it. they just get under my skin. i wish you could've seen her. she was a little doll. forgiven?

i do. forgiven? forgiven. now, i better call griffin and tell him about those contracts. harry, darling-- oh, excuse me. [clears throat] i'm sorry, i didn't know harry had anyone with him. [chuckling] oh, that's all right. i'll go to my office across the hall and make-- across the hall? oh, then you must be mr. baxter. well, yes. yes, i am. well, you know, harry just thinks you're wonderful. oh? yes, as a matter of fact... he thinks you're the finest junior partner he's ever had. well, how... how very kind of him. yes, he says he appreciates all those tedious little things you take off his shoulders like running down to washington for him. [nervous cough] well, i-- i try to do every little thing to keep the boss happy. but don't think he isn't a wonderful friend. i'll bet. just a couple of days ago,

getting my uncle joe out of jail. he'd had a few too many. and harry just dropped everything to help us. [clears throat] well, i hope you don't think i'm being forward or fresh. he asked me to call him harry. did i say something wrong? i wish i had a good almanac. i have a hunch today is the day the world comes to an end. [door slams] mildred. call mr. griffin. tell him there'll be a slight delay with his contracts. tell him i'm going over them with a magnifying glass. oh, and another thing, i'll have to borrow your car. mine's being washed.

well, that's just what i needed, 100-foot flagpole. hazel! 100-foot flagpole? it's 30 feet, mr. baxter. you hear what he said, mr. b? 30 feet. 130-foot flagpole? but why, hazel, why? but you said you didn't want the flag to touch the ground. well, i didn't say i wanted it to touch the moon either. [car horn beeps] [beeping continues] - [car horn blares] - [tires screech] move it. lady, will you please back up? i'm trying to get out of here. what i had in mind was one of those poles that stick out from the house where the flag hangs down. oh, no, mr. b. that ain't spectacular enough for old glory here.

the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air. the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air-- sounds just like my house, all right. [beeps] [horn beeping] oh, no. lady, can't you see i'm trying to get through? you're on the wrong side of the street. i'm on the right side of the street. back up! i can't! there's a car in back of me, you're in front of me, there's a car parked on the side of me! how am i gonna back up? none of that is my problem-- back up! i don't want it! if i take it back, you'll have to pay for the trucking. look, i'll pay for it, but i don't want it. mr. b, what you don't realize is that this flag is more than just a piece of red, white, and blue cloth. that pole's a real bargain, mr. baxter. only reason i'm letting it go for half price is 'cause i've had it for 20 years and haven't been able to get rid of it. well, it's a small wonder. mr. b, this flag is a symbol of america. it stands for the past, present, and future of our country. half price, mr. baxter.

300 isn't half of 500. well, there's a small charge for installation, mr. b. you know, they gotta dig up the front lawn. dig up the front-- dorothy! man: listen, lady, don't you see me trying to get through here? what're you talking about? [horn beeping] [arguing indistinctly] of course, that'll be extra if we need a plumber. a plumber? for a flagpole? well, he can't help it, mr. b. when he digs, sometimes he hits the sprinkling system or the water pipe. - dorothy! - that don't happen too often. we gotta dig deep, you know. that pole is solid iron. if it fell against your house, it'll wreck it. - dorothy! - well, that don't happen too often either, mr. b. then sometimes, of course, - we have to call in an electrician. - dorothy! but that only happens when he hits the telephone wire or the power line. that don't happen too often. son, where's your mother? i don't know. i think she's hiding in the closet. i'm not in the closet. i'm looking for your father's high blood pressure medicine.

every time we look at that flag, we see our future, mr. b. you gotta know what you're doing when you install a flagpole. because, you see, it's metal. if you aren't careful, it'll attract every bolt of lightning in a storm. [doorbell dings] - mr. baxter? - yes. that your car? [distant arguing] - man: i can't move my car! - [arguing continues]

[ ] well, there she goes, sport. our country's ego just took off to pincus' iron yard. tough legal problem? no, i'm just trying to figure out a way to blame the flagpole and the traffic ticket on harry noll. please don't be mad at harry, george.

mm-hmm, so does he. oh, and he's so gay and romantic. he's a wolf. oh, he is not. he simply finds women irresistible, and... as a woman, i think that's fascinating. you can't spend all your time romancing a lot of women and be a good lawyer. well, harry says it's just the opposite. the more women you romance, the better lawyer you have to be. well, look who's here. - hi, mr. noll. - hi, hazel. harold. - harold: hi. - mr. baxter's home, isn't he? yes, he just got back to earth. he got down about six minutes ago. then, while i was in his office, this girl came running in-- oh, look, mr. b, we got company.

did you see that look mr. b gave him? harry was supposed to draw up some contracts for george, and he got sidetracked by a girl, and now, george won't talk to him. oh. the way george acts, you'd think that no one in that office ever tried to avoid work. but do you remember what mr. butterworth did? - oh, yeah. - and mr. hatch? - yeah. - well, let's not forget george and that professional golfer named judge. oh, boy, that was a doozie. ha! george conveniently forgets all those things. and poor harry-- he'd give anything to be friends again. anything? what do you mean? anything like a 30-foot flagpole? hazel, what do you have in mind? a 30-foot flagpole. oh, it's no use, hazel. i don't see how you could possibly reconcile us. well, all i wanna know is do we have a deal? if i get you and mr. b together, will you give me a flagpole?

i'll sit on it like shipwreck kelly. it's a deal! hazel, will you please mind your own business? now, my attitude toward mr. noll is my own affair. oh, i ain't trying to change your attitude, mr. b. i agree with it. you know, this ain't the first stunt mr. noll's pulled on you. remember when he asked you to take over his cases 'cause he was going to europe on some big legal case? - hazel. - and he kept phoning you every day to tell you how hard he was working. and then somebody that knew him well said that they saw him lying on a french beach all day. that wasn't mr. noll. that was mr. butterworth. oh, i thought it was mr. noll. it was mr. butterworth. well, anyways, i remember how mad you got when you was going to this big party and mr. noll said he was sick and asked you to take this case for him. and then you discovered that he'd gone to the party that you had missed. that wasn't mr. noll. that was mr. hatch. oh, i thought it was mr. noll.

well, anyway, i remember once when you needed some legal help, and mr. noll says that he wasn't free to help you out. he said that he was tied up with the judge. he was tied up all right, but it was in a golf game with a man named judge. only mr. noll will pull a mean trick like that. that wasn't mr. noll. that was me. oh, i thought it was mr. noll. it was me. all right, hazel, all right. you've made your point. we've all been as guilty as he has. so, i will go in and make my peace with mr. noll. we raise the flag tomorrow morning. i don't blame you for being mad, george. i swear it'll never happen again.

i mean it--you're a real friend, george. and i'm gonna do everything i can to deserve your friendship. well, what you did wasn't any worse than what i did. what do you mean? i'm talking about that time you phoned me for help from the courthouse. i told you i was tied up with a judge and i was--only it was a golf game with a professional named judge. - huh? - [chuckling] well, you remember. you did that to me? well, harry, i thought you knew. i thought butterworth or hatch told you. no, they didn't tell me, and i nearly lost that case. well, but you didn't lose it. no thanks to you. i could've lost it. i needed help. - harry. - you led me to believe you were tied up in some judge's chambers. - harry. - don't smile at me, you traitor. harry, how often do you get the chance to beat a real professional? we were tied. you let me down. harry, this was a chance of a lifetime. now, if i left that golf course-- my friend...

[rotary clicks] [telephone ringing] [ring] hello, mr. pincus? this is hazel again. i got bad news for you. we ain't gonna take the flagpole after all. [receiver clicking] hello? [receiver clicking] hello? he hung up?

i don't care what he said, i didn't let him down, and he would not have lost the case. but he thought he might without your help.

and you didn't come to his assistance. all right, all right, i'm sorry. george, don't tell me that. tell him. how? he won't even speak to me. i can't even talk to him. can you imagine anyone being that childish? no, i can't think of a soul. all right, all right, rub it in. i wish i could figure how things always work around to being my fault. i thought that you wanted to get together with him? i would--i'd do anything. anything? i don't like the way you said that. anything? what do you have in mind? a 30-foot flagpole. oh, come on, now, mr. noll. a deal's a deal. you promised me a flagpole if i brought you and mr. b together. we're not together. well, you were for a solid ten seconds. i did my part. so, you owe me a flagpole. oh, all right, all right. i'll give you a check. - how much? - 300.

well, that's just for the flagpole alone. it would cost you more if you ran into any trouble like hitting the sprinkling system or the telephone wire. that might run you into five or six hundred more. now, listen, hazel. no, you listen to me. i got mr. b to promise that he'd pay half the bill if i got you two together. never! okay. this your new girlfriend? put it down. oh, she's a beauty. [voice escalating] put it down. i was just thinking of all the money you'd save by mr. b splitting the bill. think of all the extra cozy dinners with champagne and candlelight and soft music. [ ] stars and stripes forever. long may she wave. come on in, everybody.

uh-oh. - uh-oh. - what's the matter? no water. mr. b, we got no water. who hasn't? well, you can't say i didn't warn you. sometimes this happens. sometimes you hit the city water main. starts out with a little trickle like that. keeps getting higher and higher ...and bigger and bigger.