here, fremont. [whistles] here you are, boy. is it lunchtime, mr. wilson? not for you. what are you doing in there? we got a secret club. you wanna join? no, i don't. okay. how many kids are in there? one more. i can't believe it. well, margaret's in there, too, but she can't vote. i'm the ladies auxiliary. well, i think i just heard all your mothers calling you. good-bye. good-bye, mr. wilson. bye, mr. wilson.

what you doing, mom? alice: i just finished sweeping off the patio. is lunch ready yet? in a few minutes. i'll call you. okay. i guess you just thought you heard my mom, mr. wilson. yeah. i'm a dreamer. dennis, why don't you go over to your house and play. 'cause my dad's cleaning out the attic, and he doesn't want me getting in the way. this is my third load, honey. it's a lucky thing i decided to clean it out. oh, look at this firecracker. what on earth is that doing in the house? it's just some junk left over from the fireworks at the company picnic. oh. well, get rid of that, for goodness sake. i'm gonna put it in the trash can in the alley. can you imagine that in dennis's hands? i certainly could. with a firecracker that size, he could destroy half the neighborhood. right. besides, he doesn't need it.

with his bare hands. what are you doing, mr. wilson? i'm tying the string around the peg. why are you doing that, mr. wilson? you wanna see if you can pull the peg out with the string? no, no, no. i don't. well, then, what are you doing, then? i'm not going to tell you. if you don't tell me, how can i help you? you can't. that's the point. oh, here. go play with fremont. here's an extra peg. have him chase it. okay. here, fremont. look, mr. wilson. look, mr. wilson. fremont took the wrong peg.

and i don't want you to come back. understand? don't you want me to help you at all? you are helping me, dennis. you're helping me right this minute. gee, i am? how am i doing that? by going away and leaving me alone. alice: dennis, time for lunch. now she calls. you wanna come over and have a peanut butter and mayonnaise and banana sandwich with some chocolate milk? no, i don't, dennis. now go home. okay, mr. wilson. i'll see you right after lunch. mr. wilson. i heard what you said to that little child, and you should be ashamed. ashamed? but, mrs. elkins, i'm fighting for my life. why, dennis is just full of life and spirit. he's a sweet, lovable little boy. he is not. he's a supersonic missile, and he's aimed right at me. oh, henry. it isn't any wonder

grouch? mrs. elkins, don't you have someplace to go? yes. i was coming to see you. oh? what do you want? i want to know how much you'd like to contribute toward the playground for the little children. you'll get exactly what you'd expect from a grouch: not one penny. you're not only a grouch. you're a scrooge. feel better, dear? oh, a little. thank you, martha. neighborhood grouch. scrooge. oh, forget it. it's not true. you're just nervous. they hate me. the whole neighborhood hates me. you know what i'd like to do tomorrow, martha? get away. take a nice drive in the country. well, if that's what you'd like to do, we'll do it. but what about the work on the lawn? the nursery can do it tomorrow.

hello. this is george wilson. you remember that re-seeding job i talked to you about? well, could you do it tomorrow? yes, the back yard's all staked out. uh-huh. well, fine. no, i won't be here, but you can come right in the back. the address is 625 elm street. that's right. 6-2-5 elm street.

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push, tommy. it's heavy. it helps if you grunt. [tommy grunts] that's it. now i'll hold it while you stamp. that'll keep it in place and nobody'll get lost. say, let's go over to the pickerings. i heard they're giving away kittens. i'll give you a receipt. what's the address here, mrs. piedmont? 6-2-5 mississippi. 6-2-5 mississippi. it's so generous of you to donate, mrs. piedmont, especially since your own children won't have any need for the playground. i guess they will stick pretty close to home once we get the pool in. when will that be? they're supposed to start digging sometime this week. lovely.

it's surprising to find out how many new friends you have once the word gets out. i know what you mean. i have a color television set. well, come on, martha. let's hit that open road. don't forget to put the sign up for the seed men, george. oh, yes. i almost did forget, didn't i? i guess i'm so anxious to get away from dennis. you know how he hangs around when anything important's going on. well, forget about him. we're going to have a nice peaceful day in the country. yes. ah, i can hardly wait. dennis: hello, mr. wilson. hello, mrs. wilson. hello, dennis, tommy. hello. where you going, mr. wilson? none of your-- george. we're going for a drive in the country, dennis. oh. i notice you got a picnic basket with you. yes, that's right. just keep your hands off it, dennis.

over my dead-- george, use a little diplomacy. uh...i guess you're right, martha. well, i'd like to have you come with us, dennis, but there's an important job for you to do here. really? spies or something? oh, no. some men are coming by in a truck to do some work in my back yard. now, when they get here, will you tell them to go right to work? sure. that's better, george. well, there we are, bob. mississippi street. 625 must be down the block.

yeah. you see? they're looking at house numbers. hello there! here it is! this is the place. he wants you to go right to work in the back yard. while i park, you go up and let him know we're here. they're not home, but they told me to tell you to go right to work. they left a note on the door. i'll go up and see what it says. the back yard's the place. okay, kid. wait'll he reads the note. you want me to help you steer it in? no. i think i can manage it alone. do you think maybe i ought to get up there in the car with you while you steer it in? no, i don't think so. this is it, all right. listen. "i'll be away for the day. "the yard is all staked out. you can go right in." okay. let's get the dozer off. what are we gonna do? i don't know about you, kid, but we're gonna put in a swimming pool. a swimming pool?

i sure am glad you came and told me, dennis. i simply wouldn't have believed it. i've been telling everybody in the neighborhood. good old mr wilson's gonna have a swimming pool, all right. indeed he is. i wonder if i can get to my swimsuit. well, i gotta go make some phone calls. bye, mrs. persell. bye, dennis. hey, you want me to drive for a while? no, thanks. i'll do it for free. no, thanks. i'll give you my harmonica if you let me drive. i'm sorry, dennis, and please stop asking. you've been pestering me all afternoon. but i've wanted to drive a bulldozer all my life. i'm sorry. look, i'd like to accomodate you, dennis, but you're not old enough and you don't know how. but how can i learn if nobody gives me a chance?

and i still won't know how.

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well, it was a nice day, george. it was fine. perfect. but i kind of hate to get back to where i'm considered the neighborhood grouch. haven't you forgotten about that yet? no, i haven't. you know, martha, the people in this neighborhood have suddenly become very distasteful to me. oh, nonsense. go look at your seeding job. no, i'm much too tired. i'll look at it in the morning. if it isn't two of my favorite people, the wilsons. mrs. holland, good evening. good evening. and how are you, mr. wilson? oh, a little tired. i understand you've been having some work done in your back yard. yes. that's right. that's what i heard.

been seeing enough of each other. why don't you come to brunch sunday? why, we'd love to. fine. 11:00? good night. good night, mrs. holland. you see, george. mrs. holland doesn't think you're a grouch. well, she just asked me because of you. [telephone rings] george, the telephone's ringing. i'll get it. i'll get it. all right. all right. all right. all right. hello? well, mr. taylor. oh, well, yes, i play, if you can call it that. i'm just a duffer. oh, i couldn't sunday. i'm going to a brunch, you know. saturday? oh, yes. saturday will be wonderful. good. i'll see you at 8:00.

who was that? why, that was frank taylor. he wants me to join him in a foursome for golf. oh, how nice. you've been wanting to get to know mr. taylor and his friends better for a long time. well, i guess there are a few people in this neighborhood who don't think i'm a grouch. of course. [doorbell rings] who can that be? i don't know. why, mrs, persell. good evening, mr. wilson, mrs. wilson. won't you come in? thank you. my, don't you have a lovely home. well, we like it. i brought you these homemade french preserves. i thought you might like it for your breakfast toast. well, thank you, mrs. persell. it was very kind of you to think of us. thank you. well, it was in the way of being an apology for that time i called you an old goat.

the time we bumped fenders in the parking lot at the supermarket. oh. oh, forget it. oh, no. i won't. that accident was all my fault, and i want us to be close friends. well, now. my husband feels exactly the same way. well, that's very-- he would have come over with me, but he found out the stores were open late tonight, so he went down to get some bathing trunks. well, we'll all have to get together sometime. [telephone rings] yes. one of these hot summer afternoons. it's for you, george. excuse me, mrs. persell. hello? yes, mr. quigley. bowling? why, i'd like that very much. oh, i don't think my control's that good. really, mr. quigley?

hey, dennis! dennis, look here! look at what i found. wow! that's the biggest firecracker i ever saw. where'd you find it? in the alley. wow. you better give that to me, 'cause firecrackers are dangerous. i'll take it over to my house and throw it away. oh, great scott. martha. martha. we've overslept. it's almost 8:30. it is? my goodness. oh, it's a wonderful, wonderful day. you are in a good mood this morning. well, how could i be otherwise? i live in a wonderful neighborhood. i'm surrounded by my friends. of course you are.

but there's so many of them. why, everybody loves me. do you realize we had visitors and phone calls all last night? we certainly did. do you know this morning i even see little dennis in a different perspective. see, tommy, firecrackers are for big kids and grownups. why? 'cause after they light 'em, they can run away faster than we can. hi, mom. hello, boys. hello, mrs. mitchell. let's go over to eric's. we can help him take his piano lesson. ooh! oh, hi, dad. hi, son. hi, tommy. have a good day at the office, dear. thank you, sweetie, you, too. oh, henry, would you take this out to the incinerator for me? i'd take that to the ends of the earth for you. you know, martha, from now on, i'm going to be a changed man. i'm not gonna let the little things

good for you. now, you take dennis. there's a nice, clean-cut youngster and i've been treating him like he was some kind of a fiend. he's a sweet little boy and he's very fond of you. you know, i'm very fond of him deep down inside and from now on, i'm gonna show it. martha, why don't you make some cookies so we'll have some when he comes over. [explosion] great scott, what was that? it sounded like a bomb. a bomb? martha! it's a bomb crater! oh, martha! george, what are we going to do? i must do my duty. this is war. you get under the bed. i'm going with you. no. you get under the bed.

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s shelter! what's going on? oh, great scott. our first casualty. what? i'll telephone the medic as soon as i've alerted the others, henry. air raid! air raid! what are you talking about? take cover, mrs. elkins. we're being bombed. i knew it would finally happen. your mind has snapped. no, there's a bomb crater in my back yard. bomb crater? that's the hole for your swimming pool. what are you talking about? i don't have a swimming pool. sure you have, mr. wilson, and i helped dig it. what? oh! hey, mr. wilson.

martha! martha! all right. i'll tell you what i'll do. now, your men destroyed one of the finest lawns in this neighborhood-- george. you just hush, martha. one of the finest lawns in this neighborhood. so i'll settle if the hole's filled in a couple of days if you'll put in new topsoil and pay for a complete re-seeding job. mr. wilson-- otherwise, mr. banner, i'll be forced to call my attorney. all right, mr. wilson. we'll do it. we'll do it. ah, thank you, mr. banner. thank you very much indeed. good afternoon, mr. banner. good-bye, mrs. wilson. that, martha, is known as pulling the fat out of the fire. george, you ought to be ashamed. well, i saved us almost $100. and you know what i'm gonna do with that money, martha? i'm gonna take you up to lake bailey for a couple of days.

for a little while. now, george, the neighbors aren't laughing at you. oh, yes, they are. they're calling me "air raid wilson." martha, we're leaving first thing in the morning. it was a silly mistake. some kid turned the sign around, but that's been straightened out. the excavation on mississippi street has been completed and ready for you to pour the cement. what about that street sign now? i don't wanna end up pouring cement in a hole at the wrong house. you don't have to worry about that. that sign's okay. i went out and turned the sign around right myself. where it says mississippi, that's mississippi. you pour the cement and you'll be all right. i didn't think he'd still be mad about the sign, but he sure is. how do you know? 'cause this morning he told me so. then he climbed in the car with mrs. wilson and drove to lake bailey. i'll miss him. me, too. you know what we ought to do for good old mr. wilson?

and not wait for the city to fix it. yeah.

hello, mr. wilson! well, there went my eardrum. what is it, dennis? me and stewart came in to help you! yeah! well, stop shouting. can you hear me all right? yes. would you like some caterpillars for your garden? no, thank you, dennis. i spend a great deal of time getting rid of caterpillars. you do? you're making a big mistake, mr. wilson. when they get ripe, they turn into butterflies. well, i'll just continue making that same mistake.

what can we do to help you, mr. wilson? want us to do some hauling for you? i don't need anything haul-- get out of the flower bed. just help me last till tomorrow. just till tomorrow. why tomorrow? what's happening tomorrow, mr. wilson? nothing that concerns you, and for that i'm eternally grateful. oh, there's little joey down the street. why don't you run and play with him? okay. hey, joey, wait a minute! well, i can't let you do all the work of preparing the food. after all, my husband's going on this fishing trip, too. oh, it's no bother, mrs. wilson. i'm going to make some deviled eggs. that's the least i can do. [telephone rings] henry loves your deviled eggs. excuse me. hello. no, henry. your fishing creel hasn't been delivered yet.

call me. i'll drop by the store and check on it. dennis hasn't found out anything about my fishing trip, has he? no, he hasn't. you've been telling dennis for months you were going to take him fishing with you, and now that you and mr. wilson are going, i just don't think it's right for you to sneak off without dennis. his feelings won't be hurt. he won't even know about it. well, now, remember your promise. if dennis does find out, you'll have to take him with you. all right, henry. good-bye. if i were going fishing, i think it would be fun to have dennis come along. i think our husbands are being mean. so do i. hey, mom, i'm home. in here, dennis. oh, hi, mrs. wilson. gee, i haven't seen you since this morning. he's such a nice boy. where are your friends? stewart and joey are out in the garage parking my wagon. do you know what we've been doing?

dennis. we didn't swallow any. hey, mom. boy, is there news in the neighborhood. they're putting in a cement sidewalk at the new house. i can hardly wait till they're through. does dennis have two ns in it? yes, but you're not going to write your name on it. my initials? no. okay, but i'll sure feel left out. and for the best thing of all, a burglar broke into the armstrong's house and stole mr. armstrong's wallet. oh, that's terrible. honestly, alice. i don't know what's happening to this neighborhood. that's the second burglary this month. hi. alice: hello, boys. hi, fellas. wagon okay? yeah. can we have some cookies? you've eaten them all. that's okay. we'll find something else. how's little joey?

not much. but he's a good thinker. aren't you, joey? what does he think about? he won't tell us. shoe her how you can think. harder. he'll blow a fuse. come on, fellas. let's go out in the kitchen. keep out of that bag of marshmallows, dennis. i want you to eat something with vitamins in it, something that'll make you grow. what has vitamins? apples, for one thing. oranges, salads, soups. especially soups. okay, mom. i sure wanna grow. then i can reach the cookie jar without standing on anything. come on, fellas. dennis, what in the world are you doing? oh, hi, mom. we're making something to make boys grow.

chocolate soup. look at the mess you've made. oh, dennis. [doorbell rings] i'll answer it for you. i'll get it! dennis, don't you touch that door. jeepers, i never had to stay away from a door before. mitchell residence? package for you. thank you. what's in the package, mom? can i feel it? can't i just shake it a little? no, you can't. and i don't want you to touch it under any circumstances. not even if the house catches on fire and we wanna save the valuables? what if the dam breaks? dennis, there isn't a dam in 1,000 miles of here. now, don't you touch that package. how about if i'm saving it from burglars? dennis, i don't want to hear another word about it.

do you know what she's trying to do? she's trying to surprise me. now, it's too early for christmas and too late for my birthday.

henry, you can stop worrying. your fishing creel just came. great. i hope dennis didn't see it. well, he saw the package, but he doesn't know what's in it. i put it up on the shelf in the hall closet so he can't reach it. henry, how much fried chicken

dennis mitchell, i thought i told you not to touch that package. i'm not touching it. i'm smelling it. are you sure that's all you did? well, i listened to it a little. now, you stay out. o-u-t out of that closet. the package is for me, isn't it? no, it isn't. now, take these books and put them right back where you got them. okay.

something funny's going on around here, and i'm gonna find out what it is. hi, mr. wilson. are you all set for tomorrow morning? oh, hi, henry. yeah, i'm raring to go. i just finished up putting these earth worms in the flower bed. putting them in? yeah, that's right. the nursery sold them to me to improve the soil. some new theory. quite a job. i'm kind of tired. well, don't overdo it. remember we got a lot of rowing to do tomorrow. oh, i'll be ready. dennis hasn't found out anything, has he? i don't think so. if he does, alice says we have to take him with us. dennis is pretty hard to put something over on.

like you and me decide to keep him in the dark, it's pretty easy. i guess you're right. well, he is just a kid. of course. an innocent babe in arms up against a couple of slickers. two old pros. exactly. are you gonna have enough tackle for both of us? oh, sure, but it needs a lot of straightening out. after dennis goes to bed tonight, i'll sneak up in the attic and get it so i can work on it. well, i'll come over and help you. if we get everything shipshape tonight, we'll have just that much more time for fishing tomorrow. oh, boy, henry. i can hear 'em jumping now. [both laugh] how come the door to the attic's locked? uh...we have some valuables up there and we don't want burglars to get them. don't stand too close, dennis. the grease could splatter. gee, you're sure cooking a lot of chicken. don't worry. it'll be eaten. i've never seen you cook that much chicken for just the three of us.

no, dennis, we're not having company. i guess me and you and dad are going on a picnic tomorrow then, huh, mom? no, dennis, we're not. i guess you're fixing a box up for church then, huh, mom? no, dennis. i guess we're gonna give some of it to orphans then, huh, mom? no. no, we're not, dennis. i guess you're gonna start selling fried chicken then, huh, mom? of course not. i guess you're-- dennis, please. hi, honey. where's my-- hello, dear. hi, son. hi, dad. the item from d-e-t-w-i-l-e-r-s, i didn't see it in the c-l-o-s-e-t. later, dear. getting hungry, dennis? not especially. i gotta go do something. well, where is it?

i didn't let you spell it out for fear he might know the word. honey, don't be silly. i don't think he was even paying any attention. hello, operator?

hi, dad. reading the newspaper? well, i seemed to have stopped for the moment. what's on your mind? well, you know how you said i could talk to you if i had a problem. yes. well, something's come up that i don't understand. what is it, dennis? boy, you sure got a lot of hair on your chest, haven't you? dennis, what is it you wanted to talk to me about? i wanna know why mom fried all that chicken and what's in that package. dennis, i've told you i want you to stop prying.

[doorbell rings] jump down, son. i've got to answer the door. well, let go, dennis. i can't. i'm stuck in your button hole. oh, dennis. [ding-dong] alice: is somebody going to get that door? i'll get it, honey. come on. [ding-dong] you take your hand out. no, honey, look. you put your hand down-- [knock on door] oh, come on. hello, mitchell. hi, mr. wilson. oh, hello. well, i thought you'd be in bed. hello, mr. wilson. yes, it is his bedtime. come on, dennis. i can't. i'm plugged into dad's button hole. that's right. for heaven's sake, henry. here. it can't be that hard. gee, this i sort of like the time we had to call the fire department to get my head out of that iron railing, isn't it?

okay, honey. off to bed. oh, he ought to be asleep by-- shh. i'll go up and bring it down. oh, maybe there's some stuff i can help you carry down. mr. wilson, we have to pass right by dennis's door, so you've got to be very quiet. by the time dennis opens his eyes again, we'll be out on the lake with a couple of bass in our boat. dennis's room. very quiet now. why? we don't want to wake up dennis. i'm already awake. dennis! what are you doing awake? i can't get to sleep, dad, from wondering about that package.

doing upstairs? just checking the house. do you think maybe we got burglars? dennis, go in and go to bed. i've been thinking, dad. if that package isn't for me, is it for mom? no, it's not. now go to sleep, dennis. i'll try. i'm sorry, mr. wilson. i'll have to try later. i'll fix the tackle myself. i know you want to turn in. if you don't mind, i think i will. you know, 5:00 comes pretty early. what time is it? midnight. oh, henry, you're not going to try again. i am. why don't you wait till morning? then you know he'll be asleep. as long as i'm awake, i might as well try. it'll save us a couple of hours at the lake. [door squeaks]

dennis, are you still awake? i keep thinking about that package. i keep thinking and thinking and thinking. hey, dad, is this what you call worrying? no, son. this is what you call driving your father out of his mind. if i could only figure it out. i keep wondering who it's for and why. if i tell you, will you go to sleep? sure, dad. well, it's for me. i'm going to open it tomorrow. now go to bed. really? is it for your birthday? yeah. yeah, it's for my birthday. now go to bed. gee, i haven't anything for you. well, you can give me the greatest gift of all... a night's sleep. now go to bed.

it's all right. he's asleep now. honey...honey, will you help me? it'll only take a second. from now on, it's all downhill. all right. where's that blasted light switch? [crash] i hope dennis didn't hear that.

burglars. mom, dad, we got burglars. holy smoke. the burglars have stolen mom and dad. help! police! we got burglars! mr. wilson! mr. wilson! we got burglars!

martha, that was dennis. that boy's in trouble. dennis: help! mr. wilson!

dennis, i tell you, there aren't any burglars in here. how do i know they aren't making you say that? is mom all right? yes, dennis, i'm all right, and there are no burglars. boy, i'm glad to hear that. [unlocks door] i was kind of scared. oh, you were very brave, dear. wasn't he, henry?

all right, son. run off to bed. the excitement's all over. okay, dad. you don't suppose he noticed this fishing tackle, do you? no, i don't think so. he was much too excited. [knock on door] what in the world is that? [knocking] where's the burglars? where's the burglars? where are the burglars? mr. wilson, there are no burglars. no burglars? just in dennis's head. [siren approaching] oh, no. i'm so tired, i won't know which end of my fishing rod to hold.

after you leave. why don't you go up now, honey? i just have to get your lunch together. the sandwiches are all made. just wrap the chicken. henry, look at this. that darn little kid. he's been up during the night eating chicken. i guess chasing burglars makes a little boy hungry. [knock on door] i'm so blasted mad i could kick somebody. mr. wilson, we're terribly sorry about dennis last night. oh, no. i'm talking about my garden. some dog has been digging in the bed where i put in the worms. it's an awful mess. well, we're just going to go out and have a good time today, right? yeah. right. henry, look at this. it's from dennis, and it's addressed to you.

boy, what spelling. worms. why, that wonderful little guy. he must have seen the fishing tackle. but where on earth would he find worms in the middle of the night? oh, well... what are a few worms more or less? wake up, son. i've got a surprise for you. we're going fishing.

starring barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont, tony dow, and jerry mathers as the beaver. - you trying to hold my hand? attention people with hearing loss. what i'm about to tell you could change your life. does your hearing loss have you feeling left out? are you finding it harder to hear the tv or telephone? are you afraid you might not hear an alarm or intruder? if left untreated, your hearing loss can get significantly worse. a recent johns hopkins study showed that hearing loss can lead to more serious issues, including dementia. it's time to call hearusa and get a complete hearing checkup -absolutely free.

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- no dear, i'm just wondering what time it is. - it's 10:15. - shouldn't wally be home from the basketball game by now? - well about now, i'd say they've had their showers and the team's probably in the car. they're acting like big shots. - suppose they lost? - oh in that case, they're in the car, they're acting like good losers. (audience laughs) - hi mom, hi dad.

- [dad] hi, you won huh? - yeah, i scored three points. i could've scored more, only i got sat out on fouls. - how long did you play? - a little over two minutes. well, i'm kind of tired, i'll see you guys in the morning. - [mom] all right, wally. - [dad] good night, son. - good night. - ward, when wally left the house wasn't he wearing his sweater? - i think he was wearing his reversible jacket. - maybe he had on his car coat. - you know, we're a couple of very observant parents. if he ever gets lost, we won't be able to describe him to the missing person's bureau. (audience laughs) - dear, what's the paper say about the weather? - let's see. - they expect a falling barometer and a low pressure area moving in. - what's that mean? - means they think it might rain, but they're not sure.

- morning, dear. - morning. - morning, beaver. - morning, dad. - well, you're eating breakfast in your raincoat? - sure, dad, this way i'm ready for the bus, and if i spill my breakfast on me, it won't show. (audience laughs) - [dad] good. - well, i'm finished. i'm going to go out and wait for the bus now. - beaver, the bus won't be here for ten minutes. - i know, but this way i'll have plenty of time to stand around in the rain. - i don't like you standing out there in the wet. - gee mom, what's the good of having rain if you can't stand around it. bye mom, goodbye dad! - [mom] beaver, come back here! - june, the two boys have been standing in the rain for years. we can't infringe on these rights. - now ward, i don't-- - [wally] hi! what's the argument about? - we're not arguing.

- where's your rain coat? - oh, i won't need it dad, i'm running to school - wally, you'll get soaking wet. - oh, no i won't, i run under awnings, and trees, and stuff. i won't get wet at all. - wally, i think you'd better at least wear a sweater. - yes. - oh but heck, dad, i don't have any sweaters that fit me. my turtleneck, i can't get my head through the turtle. (audience laughs) - well, you have your high school letterman sweater. wear that. - oh, well, that's sort of in school. - sort of in school? you haven't lost it, have you? - well no, no i haven't lost it. - wally that sweater cost 19 dollars. now, you bring it home this evening. - yeah, well i'll try to. - try to? you will to. - yes, sir, i will to. - soon as you finish your breakfast, you can go upstairs and put on your reversible jacket. - and i'll loan you my umbrella. - umbrella?

ruin me with the guys. - well, i think you should at least wear your jacket, and you be sure and bring that sweater home tonight. - yes, sir. - look wally, when you see her just tell her you want your sweater back. - but heck eddie, i don't know her that good. - then how come you loaned her your sweater? - well, she came up to me after the basketball game, and she said she was cold. she was giggling and stuff, so i said she could wear it home. - so she was cold, so she wore it home, so ask her for it back. - okay, so i'll ask her for it back if i see her. - hey, here she comes, ask her for it. - yeah, okay. - go on. - francis, can i see you a minute? - yes wally, girls i'll meet you outside. what is it? - well... - wally, the rain certainly makes your hair curly. doesn't it?

i had a dog once that it used to do the same thing to. - what do you want, wally? - well, well, i wanted to ask you about my sweater. - oh! is this your sweater? i know i borrowed it from some cute boy. - yeah, well i thought if you're finished using it, could i have it back? - why of course, wally. - oh, thanks a lot. - i'll bring it to school and give it to you the first thing tomorrow. (audience laughs) - oh. - why wally, i wore it to school this morning, and you wouldn't want me to get all soaky going home. would you? - no i wouldn't want you to do that. that's ok. - thank you, bye now. - how come you didn't get it?

and she didn't want to get all soaky going home. - oh brother! - yeah, but it's okay, she said she'd bring it to school first thing tomorrow morning. - hey wally, you know what day tomorrow is? - what? - saturday. - oh, well i guess she didn't know that. - oh, yeah. - and, she'll probably bring it in monday morning. - oh, sure she will. hey, you want to walk over to the gym while i get my books? or, are you afraid of getting all soaky? (audience laughs) - did you find out why wally didn't bring the sweater home tonight? - he said he'd bring it home monday. - but why didn't he bring it home today? - i asked him that, and he said he'd bring it home monday. - do you think he lost it? - no, i don't think so. - why can't he just come out and tell us what happened to it? - well dear, unfortunately, he's at the age where he feels a direct answer

- gee wally, why did you go and give your sweater to a girl? - well, 'cause she asked me for it. - then, why don't you ask her for it back? - i did, and she wouldn't give it to me. - then, why didn't you sock her? (audience laughs) - heck, you can't sock a girl. - gee, lots of them sock me, and i had to send a couple of them back. - yeah, but that's different, you're just a kid. at your age, girls aren't really girls yet. - when do they turn into girls? - well, i don't know, just all of a sudden you turn around, and they're girls. and, a guy's got to be polite and junk. - hey, maybe you can't get your sweater back from the girl 'cause she's got you in her power. - what are you talking about? - i saw it in a picture once, this lady had cat's eyes, and she turned this whole bunch of guys into zombies just by looking at 'em. and, they all went out and jumped off a cliff! - i just loaned her my sweater.

we'll be back in about half an hour. - okay, dad. - wally, don't you forget about that sweater monday. - oh, sure, dad. boy, i really got to get that sweater back now. - how come mom and dad are making such a big fuss? it's your sweater, when you made your letter, mom and dad gave it to you. - look beaver, when your parents give you something that's worth 19 dollars, it's never really yours. - thank you. what was so important we had to come down here tonight? - oh, nothing special i just wanted to get out of the house. - well, it cost us exactly $8.16 to get out of the house. - well, after i got here i saw a lot of things i needed. - uh-huh. how 'bout a soda? - think we can afford it?

- two black and whites. - no whipped cream in one, please. - oh coward. - he's been trying to get a date with me for two weeks. he just follows me everywhere. - i didn't think wally cleaver followed any girls. - [francis] well, he doesn't, but he told me, "francis, you're not just any girl." - that doesn't sound like wally. - well, i think i know him a lot better than you do. after all, i'm the one he gave his sweater to. - ward, did you hear that? - well, i guess i'd better be getting home. he might phone me, and the poor dear is just terribly jealous. - ward, i can't believe it. - well, it's his sweater all right. - who is she, and what's she doing to our baby?

- but ward, she's got him following her around. well, i'm just not ready to cope with this kind of thing. - june, she's just a silly little high school girl. - silly, did you see the way she walked out of here? - yes. maybe we do have a problem. - well? - well, what? - did you ask wally what that girl in the drugstore, was doing with his sweater? - oh, well i was going to, dear. but you know, he's sitting up there on the bed, taking the knots out of beaver's shoe strings. he looks so young and naive that i just couldn't face the fact that he was in the clutches of a predatory female. - well, i agree, but don't put it off too long. you know, this is very upsetting. - yeah, i suppose most mothers feel that way. i wouldn't be surprised if my mother might have been a little upset when i started going with you. - what was she upset about?

i just said she might have been. - ward, you've been keeping this from me for years. your mother didn't like me! - yes, she did, yes, she adored you. as a matter of fact, i remember her telling me that you'd probably do me a lot of good. - well, what was wrong with you that you didn't somebody to do you a lot of good?

- hi, hey where's the shovel? the beaver and i are going to try to dig up that gopher. - it's behind the garage, you be sure to put it back. - sure dad, thanks a lot. - ward, i thought you were going to talk to him. - oh dear, this is hardly the time or place. anyways, as long as he has his mind on gophers, i think we're safe. - all right, but you talk to him soon. and, if that doesn't work, i'm just going to call up that girl's mother. - oh now, calm down june!

after all you're not carrie nation. - ward, if you think i'm going to stand around and let wally do-- - hi mom, hi dad. - hi. - how come you stopped talking all of a sudden? - oh, i don't know, we just happened to stop. - was uncle billy in trouble again? - no beaver, uncle billy is fine. - well, i thought maybe he'd done something good like last time. - beaver, your brother's waiting outside for you with a gopher. - okay, dad. - c'mon beav, i've got the shovel, let's go. - wally, i think mom and dad were talking about you. - and how come? - because when i came in the kitchen they stopped talking. - yeah, well did they start to spell stuff out? - no, they don't do that since i got 90 in spelling. - nah, there could be a lot of reasons why they stopped talking.

heck, they've known each other long enough. - ward, ward! oh ward, i think wally and the beaver are coming in. now would be a perfect time to talk to him before lunch. - well all right, tell him i want to talk to him, but don't make it look as though we've planned it. - hi mom, we missed catching the gopher, but we found eddie. - good morning, mrs. cleaver. it's nice of you to have me for lunch. - oh yeah mom, can he stay? - well, i guess so. eddie, i wonder if you'd excuse wally for a few minutes. his father would like to speak to him in the den. - oh, that's all right mrs. cleaver. i'll go upstairs and entertain the beaver. - c'mon beav! - wally. (audience laughs)

- hey eddie, i thought you were going to entertain me. - what are you trying to do, be a wise guy? - now, wally do you know a girl named francis? - you mean, francis hobbs? - well, is that the francis who has your letterman sweater? - oh, you know about that huh? - oh yes, yes we do. we saw her in the drugstore last night. she was wearing your sweater. - well, she must've got cold again. - wally, now i was your age once, and i can understand how a boy can be attracted to a pretty girl. you know, phoning her, and following her around, and giving her little tokens of affection, and being jealous-- - dad. i'm mixed up, are we still talking about me?

she told the whole drugstore last night about how she had you wrapped around her little finger, and how you were following her around. - she said that! - she certainly did, and naturally it upset your mother and me very much. especially, after you lied about what happened to your sweater. - boy have i been taken. (hisses) - what are you doing? - well, i'm giving you the death ray. - cut it out squirt, i'm reading. hey, where you going? - over to that creepy francis' house and get my sweater back. - hot dog! hey, wally wait for me! - oh, dad this is gonna be good!

- ward, what's going on? - our son has learned a valuable lesson in dealing with women. - what lesson? - they never want sweaters just because they're cold. (audience laughs) (door bell rings) - why, wally cleaver! - hello, francis. - i'm eddie haskell. (audience laughs) from school. - and, wally this must be your cute little brother. - yeah, i'm his cute little brother. - francis-- - well, helen's over and we're making fudge. would you boys like some? - no, thank you. francis, i came to get my sweater. - oh, well wally, i'm going to bring it to school on monday. - uh-uh, would you please go get it right now.

won't you come in? - no thank you, i'll wait right here. - hey wally, maybe after we get the sweater we could have some fudge. - maybe we ought to get out of here. she might sick her old lady on us. - no sir, i'm not leaving 'til i get that sweater. - here it is, wally. - thank you, and another thing francis, just watch what you're saying around in drugstores about me huh. - [francis] who me? - yeah, just watch what your saying that's all. - boy, we really told her didn't we wally? - who was that? - wally cleaver. - oh, isn't he the boy you sort of like. - uh-huh, but up 'til now i never realized what a real dream he is. (audience laughs) - you're late, supper's almost ready. - hell, well i got stuck. wally home yet? - yes, they're both home. - with or without the sweater?

came in, and i didn't want to go up and ask him. if it was going to turn into a big thing, i just thought i'd save it until you'd got home. - you're sweet. well, i'll think of some pretext to go up in a few minutes to scout the situation out. - what pretext are you going to use this time? - i could always fall back on inspecting beaver's ears. they've never let me down yet. - well, she didn't wreck it or anything. - no, but you ow wally, it smells kind of girly. - yeah, that's perfume or some kind of junk. i'll just hang it in my gym locker for a couple days. that ought to kill it. - wally, that was pretty good today. you weren't scared of that girl or nothing. - yeah, it's not so bad when you talk to girls like they're a guy. - the only girl i ever liked was linda dennison. - how come? - 'cause she doesn't mind getting dirty. - hi fellows, suppers ready.

- hey wally, what are sweaters made out of? - sheep. - i'd hate to be a sheep and get made into a sweater. - [dad] they'll be right down. - is everything all right? - yeah, wally's got the sweater, but don't mention it. (phone rings) hello. wally? who's calling, please? oh, yes. just a minute. it's for you wally. francis. - oh, thanks. hello. yes, this is wally. no francis, i'm sorry i'm going to be busy tomorrow. yes, all day. and francis, i would appreciate it if you would not be annoying me and

- thank you. - well, c'mon beaver, dinner. - what are we having mom? - lamb chops. - are they made out of sheep? - uh-huh. - boy, sheep sure have a tough time. - c'mon wally, everything's going to get cold. - boy, how do you like that dad? i told her off real good this afternoon, and now she calls me up. - [dad] yes, and i think you can count on her calling you again, and, probably again. just one of the ways of women. - but gee, that's gooney! can't anything be done about it? - no one's ever found a way yet, son.

- who was on the phone, dear? - it wasn't that francis girl was it? - no, it was a very nice fellow. his firm wants to write music to my poem and turn it into a popular song. - you never wrote a poem! - oh, i told him that, and he offered to write the poem too. - ward, i just hope that girl stops bothering wally. - dear, we just have to face it. he's going to be interested in lots of girls. one of these days, he'll end up marrying one. - oh, i don't mind that, i just don't think this girl was the right type for him. - what type of girl do you think he should marry? - well, some very sensible girl from a nice family. one with both feet on the ground, who can cook and keep a nice house, and see that he's happy. - dear, i got the last one of those. - that's very sweet of you to say that.

("the toy parade")

starring barbara billingsley hugh beaumont tony dow

(music) hello. i'm jerry mathers. i was the beaver in "leave it to beaver." a few years later, i was a type 2 diabetic. but i'm not anymore. diabetes causes neuropathy, blindness, and amputation. at its worst, it can kill you. today i want you to have a look at an amazing breakthrough that has stopped diabetes in its tracks for over 200,000 people just like you and me. now you can do the same thing, because it's all spelled out in a very special system called the diabetes solution kit. i urge you to try this all-natural, done-for-you program so you can finally live independent

i'm jerry mathers, and if i can do it, you can do it, too. - did you get your call from the home office yet? - no, not yet, i'm just sitting here making notes on what they might say so i'll know what to say. - well, what if they say what you don't expect them to? - dear, i have answers here that will cover anything. - good. it must be important if they're calling on a saturday. - yeah, i guess so. and, by the way, could we just keep things a little quiet around here until my call comes through? - of course dear. - [wally] dad! hey dad! where is everybody?

wally, please be quiet, your father is expecting an important call. - oh, sorry mom, i just wanted to tell you that i'm going to the movies. - [beaver] hey mom! hey dad! (audience laughter) - keep it down, will ya beave? don't you know dad's expecting an important call? - yes beaver, your father has a lot on his mind. - i just wanted to let you know we're going to the movies. (audience laughter) - why are you all whispering out here? - oh, well dear, we didn't want to disturb you. - oh, well, i wish you would whisper loud enough so i wouldn't have to strain to hear. - it's no big deal, dad, we're just going to the movies. - oh, well have a good time. - okay dad, i hope when we get home your mind is nice and empty. (audience laughter) (door slams) - what they mean by that? - i told him you had a lot on your mind.

- [man] ah, my little dove, do not try to resist, you are in my power. - hey larry, how come he's calling her a dove when she's a lady? - search me. - [man] you must watch the magic amulet as it sways back and forth in the candlelight. - boy, larry, he's a pretty neat hypnotiser, huh? - [hypnotist] and now time no longer exists for you, my pet, my darling, kiss me! - boy, beaver, he goes through all the trouble to hypnotizen her and all he wants to do is kiss her. (audience laughs) - yeah, what a creep. - [hypnotist] go now, follow my command. (wall crumbling) - wow beaver, he's got her walking right through a brick wall. - yeah, i guess he's not just a creep after all.

- you're going to sleep, mom. sleep, sleep, sleep. - oh, beaver, look at that dirt on your face. - gee mom, i'm trying to hypnotize ya. - oh honey, some other time, huh. i'm awfully busy getting supper. you go hypnotize your brother and your father. (audience laughter) - yeah, sure mom. dad, do you still have a lot on your mind? - well, i had my call from the home office and i'm working on some reports but i guess i can give you a few minutes. (audience laughter) beaver, what are you doing? - heck, dad, this is my magic amulet and i'm trying to hypnotize you. - well look, i'm afraid i'm not a very willing subject right now. why don't you go hypnotize your mother or your brother. - well, okay dad. anyways, i wouldn't know what to do if

come on, wally, just watch it for a couple of seconds. - look, beaver, how can you hypnotize a guy when he's soaking wet? - can i hypnotize you after you get your clothes on? - after i get dressed i'm going out. i've got kind of a date. - with a girl? - yeah, she's sort of a girl. - you know something, wally? - what? - you're getting to be an awful wise guy since you've started taking baths. (audience laughter) - [beaver] you're going to sleep my darling. you are in my power. sleep, sleep, sleep. pay attention, would ya cat? i'm not playing with you, i'm hypnotizing you. (audience laughter) - what are you doing squirt? - nothing eddy, that's what i'm doing.

you know what's wrong with you? - what? - you're cracking up, sam. (laughs) (knocking) - here kitty, kitty, kitty. here kitty, kitty, kitty, nice kitty. - oh, hello eddy. - hello mr. cleaver, i just dropped in to discuss our plans for evening with wally. - oh, well, he's right upstairs. - thank you mr. cleaver. mr. cleaver, i'm not one for carrying tales but i believe your younger son is outside annoying the cat from across the street. - oh. - i just thought you'd like to know. - yes, thanks. (audience laughter) beaver, will you leave that cat alone? - yes sir. - hi eddy. - hi, hey you want to mess around tonight? - nah, i'm going over to mary ellen roger's house. - what you putting a tie on for? - my father said i should put on a tie. - okay, put it on, you can always ditch it

- yeah. - hey, your hair is wet, don't tell me you took a shower. - yeah, what's wrong with that? - who do you think you are? rock hudson? - eh, knock it off eddy. - hey what's your little brother doing? he's out front slugging a cat with a washer. - no he's not, he saw this movie the mad hypnotist. he's just trying to find somebody to hypnotize. - oh, yeah, i saw that. "master, yours "is to command, mine is to obey." what a corn. hey you know something? we could really give that beaver the business. - what do you mean? - we could pretend like he hypnotized us and scare the little quirt right out of his skin. - nah, that's a dirty trick eddy. - sure it is, that's why it's funny. (audience laughter) - look eddy, you leave my brother alone or i'll bob you one. - okay, okay, muscles. i'll be seeing ya, kid. ( baby won't you please come home ) ( your loving daddy's all alone ) (knocking) - oh, hello eddy.

- just practicing for the glee club at school, mrs. cleaver. - i'm sure you are. - good seeing you wally. goodbye mrs. cleaver. - goodbye eddy. - see ya eddy. how do i look mom? - oh, wally, you look just like a little gentleman. - gee mom, that corny? (audience laughter) - hi beaver, old pal, what you doing kid? - hi eddy, how come you're being so nice to me? - what do you mean? i like you. hey i hear you're quite the hypnotist. - nah, eddy, it doesn't work. - that's funny, you look like a genuine hypnotist to me. - i do? - sure, you've got the voice, you've got the eyes. you're a pretty forceful character beave. - how come it didn't work? - you just need a sympathetic subject. - like who? - like me, for instance.

(audience laughter) - are you kidding? try me! just one thing, though. once you hypnotize me, are you sure you can bring me out of it? - well, sure, just like i saw in the movie. all i have to do is say is "awake flame" and snap my fingers like that. - i am ready sir. - watch the magic omelet, back and forth. you're going to sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. close your eyes. sleep, sleep, sleep. you're now under my command and will do anything i say.

boy, oh boy! wait a minute eddy! you're not supposed to do that. wake up eddy, wake up. come on eddy wake up! (snaps fingers) come on wake up. wake up eddy, wake up. - [wally] hey beave! - come on eddy wake up. - hey beave, come here. come on, hurry up. mom wants you to come in to dinner. - okay. - hey, where's eddy going? - home for supper i guess. - oh. hey, what's the matter with you? - nothing. - well then how come you're looking like that? - like what? - like you're lookin'. - i don't know i was looking like anything. i was just lookin'.

- how are you doing with your survey for the home office? - i should finish it by this evening. - what's this one about? - oh, they want us to keep a firmer hand on the pulse of the women shoppers. - well, i'm not gonna have my husband holding hands with any women shoppers. - well, dear, how can you possibly take a woman's pulse without holding her hand? i guess i better be getting back. - think you've better. well anyways honey you're going to have it quieter around here. wally is going out and beaver went over to larry's right after sunday school. - so long, ma. so long, dad. - i suppose you'd consider it an invasion of your privacy if we asked where you were going? - heck no, dad. there was a big slide up on crest highway, and lumpy's father is taking us up to look at the mud. (audience laughter) - well, how do you like that? i'm home working on reports and

(audience laughter) - well dear maybe that's why you have a corner office and he doesn't! (audience laughter) - exactly. - [eddie] master ... master! master! - aw, cut it out, eddie! - master ... (audience laughter) - hey larry, what ya doin'? - filling these bottles with gutter water. - how come? - cuz there's nothing else to do. hey beaver, what's the matter with you? - he's following me, larry. - who's following ya? - eddie haskell, on account of i hypnotized him. - what are you talking about, beaver?

and i thought he'd get over it, but i just ran into him on grand avenue and he's following me! - ah, he's probably just giving ya the business. - why would he do that? - cuz he's a rat! - i'll word he's a rat, but look! - master! master! - boy beaver, what a kooky nut! - he sure is scary, though! - [eddie] master! master! master! i am yours to command! - well, cut it out, will ya eddie? - yeah eddie, why don't ya leave him alone? - yeah, go home, eddie. - very well. slave go home.

- boy beaver, even if he is kidding, i'm sure glad i didn't hypnotize him. - well hello there, beaver. i thought you were going to spend the afternoon with larry. - well i was, but i thought i'd better spend it at home. - is anything wrong? - oh gee, no mom! do you think i aught to talk to dad? - well honey he's working in the den, i don't think he wants to be disturbed. - well, if i talked to him and didn't disturb him do you think it'd be alright? - well if you could manage that, i guess it would. look beaver, i was baking a cake so i made you gingerbread man! - no thanks, mom. (knocking) - yeah, what is it dear?

- oh, you want something? - yes, dad. could i please talk to you without disturbing ya? - ya, if you make it snappy. - well, if a guy got hypnotized, would he stay hypnotized for the whole rest of his life? - beaver, what are you getting at? - well, if a guy hypnotized a guy, and the guy who was hypnotized committed a crime, would the hypnotizer be sent to jail? - well beaver i don't think that would work. it seems to me that i read somewhere that even if a person is hypnotized they won't do anything that goes against their moral code. - what's that? - it's their sense of right and wrong. - but suppose a guy didn't have one of those! (audience laughter) - look beaver i'm pretty busy right now, could you just run along and not bother me with a lot of silly questions? - yes dad, i guess i could i not bother you.

- [june] beaver? did you talk to your father? - yes mom. - what did he say? - he told me to beat it. - did you tell your son to beat it? - uh, what son? - beaver. - no, of course not. - well he said you did! - dear, are you by any chance trying to get my goat? - well of course not, dear. - then would you please beat it? (audience laughter) - [beaver] no! no! no! no! cut it out, eddie! don't jump, don't!

i didn't mean it eddie, i didn't mean it! - beaver! beaver, wake up! beaver! - beaver! - oh, hi wally. i guess i was kind of having a nightmare. - what were you dreaming about? you were hollering about eddie! - eddie was on top of this big cliff, and he was going to jump in this big volcano! and larry was there with a bottle of gutter water, laughing! - what's going on, beaver? you acted dopey all through supper! - well yesterday i hypnotized eddie, and today he was following me around, saying he was my slave. - ah, come on beaver, he was just giving you the business! - no he wasn't, he said he was going to do all kinds of terrible things, and kill and steal for me! - ah, that dirty rat! pretending he was hypnotized after i told him not to! - you sure he was only kidding?

- boy. - hey look beaver, tomorrow after school i'll meet you over by larry's, and we'll see if we can fix that wise guy eddie. - thanks wally. you know sometimes in the day, you're kind of mean. but you're a pretty good brother in the night! (audience laughter) - eh ... - june, i'm home! june? - you want something, dear? - oh, there you are! - you're home early! - well i worked all weekend, i think i can afford to come home early! - you know you sort of neglected the boys over the weekend, maybe you should make it up by spending a little more time with them. - fine, where are they? - oh well they're not home from school yet. - oh, well, when they come home from school dear, i'll spend more time with them. (audience laughter)

- okay, now you guys do just like i said! (audience laughter) - master ... master! i steal for you, i kill for you. - hi eddie. - yeah, hi eddie. - master, i am yours to command. - very well, slave. turn left. keep walking, slave. keep walking - oh, hi wally. - hi eddie. - what's the matter, slave? - having fun, wise guy? - gee wally, you know how it is. i was just kidding around. - no eddie, i don't know how it is.

- yeah, tell 'em, eddie! - well i'm ... hey guys look at the big rabbit! (audience laughter) - get him wally, get him! stop running, you crummy slave! (audience laughter) - hey, there he is! (audience laughter) (laughs) (audience laughter) - boy wally, that was neat. especially when he tripped and fell in the mud. yeah, you know eddie's the kind of guy that if you want him to be your friend, you got to jump on him once in a while. - i don't think he's going to fool around with us for an awful long time. (knocking) - [walt] hi, fellas! oh, say, your mother wants you to come down for supper now.

- look, guys, i was awfully busy over the weekend and i'm afraid i didn't have very much time to spend with you. beaver, didn't you have some sort of problem you wanted to talk to me about yesterday? - yeah dad, but wally took care of it by shoving eddie in the mud! (audience laughter) - well, uh ... don't you think you aught to tell me about it? - well ... - it's okay, beav. - well you see dad, me and larry went to see this show ... the mad hypnotist! and then eddie came along while i was talking to a cat, and he got hypnotized, and for two whole days he kept following me around, and then all of a sudden,

- beaver, the mighty hypnotist. can you imagine what that poor little feller went through in the last couple of days thinking that he had eddie in his power? - well it was a terrible thing to do, but you really think wally should have pushed eddie in the mud? - ordinarily dear, i don't approve of tactics like that. but in eddie's case i think a good mud bath might be just the thing he needs to clear up his warped perspective. i just wish i'd paid more attention to beaver yesterday when he tried to talk to me. - dear, that wasn't your fault, you just didn't have time! - yeah, that's one of the problems today. it seems we never have time to listen to our children. - well did your father always have time? - oh sure, he'd listen, one of the kids had troubles, he'd let him talk it all out. then nine times out of ten, we'd get it with the belt. - well that sounds so cruel! - well maybe so dear, but at least he listened.

you'd think they'd invent a device for doing this. they have. it's called a daddy. you're sure none of your relatives are liable to pop in. darrin, i told you. they're invited to a masked ball in tasmania. it's the event of the year. they're all going. you know, you're turning purple. [ laughs ] and it's not your best color. [ ding! ] hiya, sammy. hi, there, uncle arthur. hey, weren't you invited to the ball? no, the count's still sore at me, 'cause the last time i was there i nailed one of his shoes to the floor as a joke. that's funny? it was when i gave him a hotfoot.

sure. anyway... i'd much rather come to tabitha's birthday party. i love parties. i'm just a kid at heart, you know. yes. you've made that abundantly clear through the years. don't start with me, fella, 'cause in a battle of wits, you're unarmed. here's one for you, sammy. a famous character in history. give up? uh-huh. napoleon balloon-aparte. [ both laughing ] sam, it took me over an hour to blow up those balloons. what a waste of hot air. [ ding! ]

[ ding! ]

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gee, thanks. i'm crazy about cutting out paper tails. he already messed up two of them. squealer. just for that, i have a good mind not to give you your pre please, uncle arthur. please. where is it? right here. happy birthday, princess. of course. it's a wish box. whatever you wish for, you'll find inside. oh, uncle arthur, i remember. you gave me one of those for my 6th birthday. yeah. you were the only kid on the block with a pinstriped unicorn. i will now do my famous ring trick. [ ding! ] [ children cheering ] wait a minute. that's not it.

i shall join these three rings. voil . [ ding! ] there's nothing tougher than a matinee audience. [ ding! ] [ children cheering ] what did i do? this is ridiculous. oh, i know, sweetheart, but the kids love him. all right, now, kiddies, are you ready for the big one? [ doorbell rings ] larry, mr. sylvester. darrin, i've convinced mr. sylvester that only you can do justice to these layouts. could we have a little quiet, please? samantha's uncle is entertaining the kids.

all right, now, kiddies, are you ready for the big one? [ ding! ] [ children cheering ] is your uncle a professional? well, you might call him a professional amateur. now, would you believe that behind this cloth is a little cottontail bunny? no! no! no! no! yes! keep it up, kid. you'll make a terrific toadstool. all right, now. if you're ready, close your fingers and cross your eyes. get ready for a big surprise. the rain is dry. the night is sunny. hold and below, a cottontail bunny. i asked for a cottontail bunny, not a cocktail bunny.

i say, it's a pretty good trick, isn't it? it's one of the cutest tricks i ever saw. yeah. well, if you think that's something, wait till you see him make her disappear, right, uncle arthur? right, right. okay, kids, get ready for the big disappearing act. close your fingers and cross your eyes. get ready for a new surprise. bats in the belfry, pigs in a poke. lose this bunny before i choke. [ ding! ] [ laughs ] uncle arthur, this is no time to kid around. who's kidding? okay, kids. the show's over. everybody into the dining room for ice cream and cake.

be careful now. okay. everybody have what they want? that's good. now, just enjoy your ice cream and cake. ooh. [ noisemakers blowing ] don't just stand there. send her back to the nearest playboy club. what's the matter with you, sammy? she's not a playboy bunny. it's tabitha's rabbit. i don't care what it is. just change it back into what it was. don't get shook, sammy, but there's something wrong with my powers. terrific. i'd like to go over these layouts with you. well, sure. but what's wrong with, uh, later? yeah, later, darrin. i want to talk to that fellow about that girl. i mean, about that trick. but, mr. sylvester. later, darrin. cool it. i sure would like to know how you did that. so would i. uncle arthur means that if he told you then you'd know his secret.

this pretty young lady disappear. well, this is, uh, bunny -- bunny, uncle arthur's assistant. mr. tate. hi. and mr. sylvester. hi. my, this certainly is a fun party. i'd really like to go over these layouts with you, because i think, in the long run, you're -- you're -- may i ask, how long will you be staying? i don't know. sam, don't you think you should take bunny somewhere so she could change? oh. uh, yes. but i have to serve some more ice cream. oh. okay. then why don't i take bunny -- on second thought, uncle arthur can serve the ice cream. okay, kiddies, here comes uncle arthur. stuff yourselves. [ children cheering ]

[ ding! ] i liked the other outfit better. yes, but i think this one is safer. besides, as soon as they've left, we're gonna put you back in your own little fur coat. i don't care. i'm going to have some fun while it lasts. okay. just stop doing what comes naturally. well, that didn't take long. bunny's a quick-change artist, you know. i'm quick at everything. may i say, what a sensational dress that is. do you really like it? i'm afraid it's a little tight. nonsense. it looks like it was made for you. it was. who's the wise guy who dropped the ice cream on my shoe? uh-oh. sounds like he needs help. excuse me. how come you have such funny, little ears?

where are you going? i thought i'd talk to sylvester about the layouts. i mean, isn't that why he came over? will you stop with the layouts? why don't you go out and see if you can get bunny to leave? why? oh, got you. excuse me, larry. [ whispering indistinctly ] oh, h-hi, sweetheart. um, now, don't -- don't get excited. i'm already excited. what's wrong? the lovebirds have flown the coop. they've gone? they can't go. he hasn't approved the layouts yet. what am i saying? he's out with a rabbit. [ slurring ] so long, charlie. [ ding! ]

looks like we got lucky. you know, i always have trouble with spells for locating people. how'd you do that? well, i-i went up to larry, and i put my right hand on his right shoulder, and i said the magic words. yeah, well, what were they? i said, "larry, do you have any idea what sylvester's favorite hangout is?" is that any way to talk to your uncle? thanks, charlie. [ ding! ] another one of the same, charlie. [ ding! ] it's hard to believe they only met an hour ago. you know how fast bunnies work. alvin! huh? oh, uh... oh, hi, anita. alvin, i haven't seen you around here since -- since... that's right. too many memories.

this could be the solution to everything. you haven't called me lately. you didn't come to the phone, so what was the point? well, anyway, i can see why you haven't. oh, uh, this is bunny. bunny, anita. hi! hi. well, i-i've got to go. but if you do decide to call again, i promise to answer. so much for that solution. why don't we forget this whole mess and crash the party in tasmania? uncle arthur, you have no sense of moral responsibility. one more word and i'm gonna split. but -- that's the word. [ ding! ] uncle arthur! you come back here and pull yourself together. oh! [ tinkles, ding! ]

[ ding! ] call me a cab, charlie. well, hello, there. mrs. stephens, i'm -- i'm sorry we left without saying goodbye, but -- that's perfefely all right. i understand. but i'm awfully glad i ran into you, because i want you to come for dinner tonight. dinner? tonight? uh, that's very sweet of you, but actually -- you have to come. i'm serving a vegetarian dinner in bunny's honor. in my honor? mm-hmm. we're going to have, uh, carrot ring... [ gasps ] oh! ...and hearts of lettuce salad... oh, that sounds marvy, doesn't it? ...and spinach souffl\. larry: so, that's a vegetarian dinner?

delicious. this little lady seems to be enjoying it. your eyesight must be perfect. i've never seen anybody so wild about carrots. well, they're very good for you, you know? i promised bunny i'll plant a carrot patch in the garden. and lettuce, too. garden? at my place in the berkshires. i'm taking bunny up there with me tomorrow. oh, really? i might as well tell them. we're engaged. engaged? well, when did this happen? on the way over here. well, isn't that -- that's very -- isn't it? congratulations. i only wish arthur were, uh, present to hear the good news. oh, uh, he'll hear about it, all right. bunny, why don't you help me clear? you're gonna have to get used to it.

oh, you old son of a gun. mr. sylvester, i've got to say something to you. and please understand, i only have your best interests at heart. you can't marry her. why? well, she's -- she's not what she seems to be. darrin, for pete's sake. now, just what are you implying? what i'm implying is that she's a -- she's a -- she's a what? she's a not right for you. i think that's for me to decide. right. darrin, i don't want to say that you're out of line, but, boy, are you out of line. what i mean to say is... you're right. i am out of line. dear, if it's all right with you, i'd like to leave. oh, it's definitely all right with me. oh, please. now, i want to wish both of you all the happiness in the world, and i hope you like large families.

oh, yes, right away. right away. what? i'm sure that bunny would like to have lots of children. yes. lots and lots. "lots." how many? hundreds. m-mr. sylvester, how -- how about a little brandy? yes, uh, a-anything. did you -- double. yes. coming right up. the usual, larry? please. let me give you a hand. so, you're going to take bunny to your hunting lodge, huh? oh, yeah. you didn't tell me it was a hunting lodge. oh, uh, didn't i? i wouldn't be interested in hunting, you know. no? well, you don't have to. what kind of animals do you hunt up there? oh, just small game. you know, fox, beaver, rabbit.

you shoot rabbits?! well, we're doing the farmers a favor. you know, rabbits are pests. well, i never! why did you do that? because rabbits aren't pests. they're very nice -- nicer than people. bunny, perhaps you'd like to go upstairs and freshen up. i certainly would. what a temper. i've never seen anybody so angry. yeah. you might even say she was hopping mad. oh, i completely forgot about dessert.

sam? hi, there, sweetheart. curb service, huh? i guess that means that arthur hasn't come back. well, i'm expecting him any minute. hmm. how'd your meeting with sylvester go? like silk. he bought every one of my ideas. well, that's marvelous. you're lucky he changed his mind about going out of town. oh, he didn't change it. his old girlfriend did. they're back together again, i'm glad to say. well, just you remember that if it hadn't been for bunny and uncle arthur that never could have happened. i'll be happy to thank him if he ever shows up. you want some more ice in that, too? [ ding! ] "ice" to see you again. [ laughing ]

uncle arthur, you better get out of there before you kick the bucket. [ laughs ] not bad, sammy. it'd have been funnier if i'd said it. oh, you will, uncle arthur. you will. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] i think i resent that. anyway, i've got good news for you kiddies. knew there was something wrong with my powers, so i went to dr. bombay, and he gave me a recharge right in my -- will you spare us the details? just get rid of that rabbit. oh, uh, where is our little fuzzy friend? she's out on the patio. i can't keep her away from the grass. isn't that cute? on your feet, honey bunny. i got a little trick i want to show you. oh, i just love tricks. good. spirits high, spirits low,

i ask you now to reverse this hex that's on this girl of such opposite sex. i-i said "sex," not "six." arthur, the next time you pass by here, why don't you? oh, sweetheart, it really isn't his fault. i mean, you know how fast rabbits multiply. [ both laughing ] -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com [ ding! ] oh, samantha, i'm so glad i found you in. oh, good morning, mother.

it's for a masquerade party that the duchess is throwing. darrin: sam, i haven't got much time for breakfast, so skip the eggs and... and skip the breakfast, too. good morning, endora. you simply must come with me. it'll be your first vacation since the baby arrived. mother, darrin said good morning. who? oh, him. hurry, darling, or we'll be late. i'll forgive your rudeness, endora. i know you're just being yourself. there is an annoying vibration somewhere in this house, and i wish it would go away. now, we're all supposed to dress as nursery rhymes. i'm going as the knave of hearts, but i must find a mask. what's wrong with the one you're wearing? if you don't zip your lip... may i remind you -- ...i will. [ ding! ] [ muffled shouting ] mother, you unzip him immediately. certainly -- as soon as we decide what costume you are going to wear to the ball.

oh, drat. [ ding! ] and that's final, you old -- darrin! what was that? i am sick and tired of your mother's barging in here unannounced. the constitution guarantees each man the right to protect his home against invaders, so hear this, and hear it good. your mother is no longer welcome in this house. darrin, you can't do that to mother. i can, and i will. and that's final. oh. uh, m-mother? now, mother, you're -- you're not gonna lose your t-temper, are you? [ thunder crashes ] mother, you have to remember that darrin is a man -- a mortal man with a mortal man's pride -- and you've wounded him once too often. you say he's a man? i say he's a mouse.

we'll see. what do you mean by that? i'll give him until midnight to withdraw his ultimatum. if he does, he's a man. if he doesn't, he's a mouse... [ gasps ] you -- you wouldn't dare. ...permanently. you would.

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liberty mutual insurance. now, let's see. hmm. oh, yeah. here it is. "spell to prevent subject from being turned into mouse." you're kidding. they don't put out a book this size for nothing. i remember now. [ mumbling ] it's a three-parter. "to void the spell, the subject tries to touch a buffalo between the eyes." "next, while underwater, he must drink a potion given thee." while underwater?

"to the last of the three, listen and hark. he must fly over water by day in the da--" in the dark? in the dark. well, i might be able to swing the buffalo, but how do you get someone to drink a potion underwater or fly by day in the dark? i don't know, but every time you do it right, you'll hear a bell. it's impossible. well, it ain't easy, especially since it's got to be done without the subject's knowledge. out of the question. and not allowed to use witchcraft, neither. might as well forget it. well, might be best. ain't the worst thing -- being married to a mouse. okay. wrap it up. only one word for these layouts of yours -- "sensational." you really like them?

thanks, larry. darrin, i'm going to institute absolute security on this material. frasier and fulton are not only going to give us stiff competition for the illinois meat-packers' account, but i happen to know that they'll do anything to get a look at our campaign proposals. you really think they'd try to steal them? i'm not taking any chances. larry, before you close that, could i get a look at the ideas the other guys came up with? i hope you won't misunderstand, but when i say "security," i mean complete security. that's why i divided the assignment between the three of you. isn't that a little silly? i mean, i have a key to that cabinet, too. i know. let me have it. i'm surprised you didn't hire a security guard. he'll be here this afternoon. [ buzzer ] yes? i'll tell him.

what? you'd let two security risks like that come within striking distance of the master plan? okay, okay, i guess i did go a little overboard. keep your key. no, larry. i want you to have it. i don't want it. larry, here. keep it, and that's an order. "to void the spell, the subject tries to touch a buffalo between the eyes." i have a buffalo in my animal book. yes, i know you do, sweetheart, and if we can get daddy to take us to the zoo, you're gonna meet one in person. hi, sweetheart. can you, daddy? can i what? we were gonna have lunch at the zoo, and we were hoping you could join us. no chance. i got work to catch up on. well, you have to eat, anyway. i'm having a sandwich sent in. oh. oh, i have an idea. why not eat the sandwich on the way and it'll save time?

well, it's just that tabitha is looking forward to it, aren't you, sweetheart? you can go without me, can't you? oh, no, it wouldn't be the same. darrin, can i borrow your key to the washroom? betty isn't at her desk. oh, i'm sorry. ralph, this is my wife, samantha, and my daughter, tabitha. how do you do? say, am i glad to meet you, finally. i've been trying to get darrin here to let me propose him for membership in our lodge. oh, uh, yes. i think i remember him mentioning that. we're a service organization, and we do some very charitable work, and we're pretty choosy about who we let in to the loyal and exalted order of buffaloes. well, uh, it certainly sounds like a worthwhile organization. yes, well, i promise you i'll think about it very, very seriously. i don't want to leave you with the wrong impression. we really have a ball -- bowling, picnics, parties.

excuse me, but you seem to have a little smudge right there. oh? no, no. you didn't quite. may i? do you have some water? that's all right. i'm on my way to the washroom, anyway. here. now, just get that little spot right there. [ bell dings ] mommy, the doorbell rang. doorbell? well, you never know. maybe larry installed it as a security alarm. it could be. nice meeting you. i'll drop these off on the way back. now, you think about the buffaloes. oh, i will, ralph. [ sighs ] sam, i've got to get back to work. you have a good time at the zoo. the zoo? oh! well, i think we'll wait till you can go. darrin...

you don't look too well. i feel fine. well, there is something going around, and you seem awfully pale. there's nothing wrong with me. th's what ed bigelow told his wife, and he ended up in the hospital. sam, he broke his leg. exactly, and i think you ought come home just to be on the safe side. darrin. oh, i didn't know you were still here, sam. hi, tabitha. hi, uncle larry. did the boy genius tell you about his latest triumph? oh, larry, i'm glad you're here. i think he's coming down with something. sam! he does look kind of flushed. she said i look pale. pale one minute, flushed the next. that's not good. darrin, we've got to have you for our pitch in chicago. you'd better take the rest of the day off. i tell you, i feel okay. i just don't understand why men think it's a sign of weakness to be sick. i'm not sick. goodbye, darrin, and that's an order.

take them to bed with you. keep me posted, sam. sure, larry.

[daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself.

how do you feel? like a kidnap victim. sweetheart, about mother not coming to the house, i'm not going to try and change your mind, but have you changed your mind? i have not. then you better take a bath. what? a nice, hot bath is just the thing for what you've got. sam, i haven't got anything, and if i did, why risk making it worse by taking a bath? and what have you got behind your back? oh, uh, medicine. but i suppose you're gonna argue about taking that, too. [ sighs ] if it'll make you happy, i'll be glad to take it. you will? yes. but you won't take a bath?

[ sighs ] all right, sweetheart. have it your way. okay. open up. oop. what's that for? what do you think? it's a chaser. [ bell dings ] there it is again. what's that? that bell -- the one we heard in the office. oh, sweetheart, your fever must be up again. you're hearing things. i asked for a plainclothes guard because some of my employees have been needling me about my security measures.

they may not look like much to you, but they represent a potential fortune to us. now, there are only two keys to this cabinet -- mine and mr. stephens's, who went home sick a few hours ago and... they're gone. who did you say had the other key? "to the last of the three, listen and hark. he must fly over water by day in the dark." if i get through this one, it'll really be a miracle. oh, darrin! what happened to your hand? oh, just a little burn -- nothing serious. but now i do have a problem. i can't drive, and i have to pick serena up at the airport. you're putting me on.

oh, serena's on a new kick -- doing things the mortal way. do you mind driving me? sam, i'm working. can't she take a cab? well, you know she doesn't know anything about cabs. she knows about planes, but not about cabs? darrin, you're trying to be logical, and where serena is concerned, that doesn't make sense. what? are you gonna drive me? i have to be there in 20 minutes. it's an hour's drive to the airport. i know how i can get there in time. you're not using witchcraft to fly there. no, of course not. isn't there a helicopter service from this town to the airport? yes, but -- darrin, that's a marvelous idea. you get out the car. i'll tell esmeralda we're leaving. sam, is there something you're not telling me?

samantha, may i ask you something? sure. how come you can't drive with that hand but you can knit with it? darrin, you're nitpicking. [ chuckles ] what are you knitting, anyway? a ski hat. it looks like one i've got. well, i know it looks like it, but it's a different shape. what? here. let me try it on for size. oh, sam, what are you doing? just sit still. but i can't see a thing. yeah, i know. let's just hope it works. [ bell dings, fanfare plays ] i heard that bell again. and music. music? yes. where did it come from? i have an idea. what?

i checked with the passenger agent. she wasn't on that plane. oh, well, i guess it's just another one of serena's practical jokes. oh, yeah? well, she owes us for two round-trip helicopter fares. darrin, don't be petty. let's go home. oh, look. there's your friend, the buffalo. who? ralph! darrin. mrs. stephens. i'm taking a quick trip to visit my sister in chicago. say, next week, why don't you come to a meeting of the buffaloes? well, we -- did i mention we have a ladies' auxiliary? samantha: oh, that sounds fascinating. well, when i get back, we'll sit down and i'll give you all the details. woman: jet passenger service to chicago...

have a good trip. thank you. funny. he didn't mention anything this morning about going to chicago. well, let's go. larry. what are you doing here? darrin, i have some bad news. all of our proposals for the illinois meat-packers' account have been stolen. i don't believe it. that's terrible. so naturally we're going through the formities of -- oh, by the way, this gentleman is a security guard. unfortunately, i hired him after the barn was stolen. the horse, rather. locked. larry, are you implying that darrin had anything to do with it? who? darrin? oh, no. no, it's just as i say -- a formality. and the fact that darrin had the only other key to the cabinet is certainly no reason to...

excuse me. is, uh, that a formality, too? of course, sam. we both know that darrin would never... you're under arrest. larry, i swear -- how did those get in your case? i don't know. i -- wait a minute. that's not even my case. it isn't, huh? that's ralph jackman's case. we just ran into him. he said he was on his way to chicago. no wonder he didn't mention it at the office. come to think of it, he borrowed my keys this morning. my advice is to say nothing more till you see a lawyer. ralph jackman -- is that the name you mentioned? yes. his name's all over this stuff. beautiful! larry, does that mean that darrin is paroled in my custody? [ chuckles nervously ] next time, before you put an innocent man under arrest, i'd think twice about it.

and i'm adding an extra 10% to your bonus if we land the illinois meat-packers' account. oh, that's wonderful, sweetheart, and i hope you get the account. and i hope the meat-packers

i came right here from the airport. come in, ralph. did you -- i suppose you know we switched cases. yes, i do. and i suppose, uh -- i mean, you opened mine? i'm afraid so. [ dinging ] [ ding! ] [ gasps ] well, no one can say you're not prompt.

i have to get back to the party before the unmasking. where's dum-dum? he's in the kitchen. oh? but i got him to agree that you can come and visit whenever he's not home. oh, how magnanimous of the dear boy. you don't think so? [ growls ] you don't. at this hour, the day doth die. spirits howl, and spirits cry. there is a mortal within this house. when i wave my hand, make him a mouse. [ ding! ] where are you going? i just want to make sure it worked. well, you've never failed before, so i don't see why you -- oh, a nice, little white mouse. what?! oh, my stars! mother, you are not leaving this house until you turn him back. oh, samantha, don't make a scene.

in a week or two, whenever the party's over. i must fly. mother! oh! oh, sweetheart, now, don't worry. two weeks will pass quickly, and, fortunately, you're fond of cheese. darrin: i also like nuts. mice eat nuts? how do i know? you rat. but who -- who -- ralph jackman. he came by to try to square things. oh, he certainly does have rotten timing. oop. whoops. [ chuckles ] that sure is a funny-looking buffalo. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com [ ] [jeannie yelling] [screaming] what is it?