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oh! please... have a little respect for the dying. you're not dying. i'm hoping to. tell me something. yeah? that awful girl at the party last night. yeah? the one who kept giggling and trying to do a striptease? yeah? that was me, wasn't it? yeah. eleanor must hate me. it was her wedding reception, and i ruined it.

her labor pains started, and they rushed her off to the hospital. last night? yeah. she had a boy-- seven pounds, eight ounces. oh, wonderful! i sure hope that baby doesn't keep them awake at night on their honeymoon. look at that. i'd rather take a bath. it's all your fault. you made the punch. there was nothing wrong with the punch. oh? then why did the ladle turn green? well, i never made punch before. maybe there was something wrong with the gin or the tequila or the whiskey or the rum or the vodka or the... there's a man in there!

a man, a guy-- asleep in the bathtub. see? yeah. is he a friend of yours? no. i never saw him before. maybe he's a burglar. sure. he came in to steal the bathtub d fell asleep on the job. we can't leave him there. there's a girl coming to look at eleanor's room. that's no problem. we'll just keep her out of the bathroom. what if she has to use the bathroom? that could be a problem. wait.

uh... good evening. good morning. good lord, is it morning? yes. yes, it is and if you don't mind a stupid question who are you? oh, i'm sorry. i'm jack. jack tripper. boy, that water's wet. you don't happen to have a towel handy? yeah. thank you. i'm chrissy. hi. this is janet. oh, yeah. i remember you. you were at the party last night. we gave the party last night. i was one of your guests. i came with a friend who knew one of the gate crashers. why were you sleeping in the bathtub? huh? i don't know.

i had a glass of that terrible punch and then, everything went black. and green. isn't there another girl who lives with you-- the one who was... eleanor. yeah. she had a boy. yeah, she must've. look, i'm sorry. i better be going. good. you can't go out like that. take your clothes off first. hmm? that party upstairs kept me awake till 3:00 in the morning. oh, really? i didn't think you could hear it over your snoring. i wouldn't have minded if i'd been invited. oh, you wouldn't have liked it, stanley-- all those young girls. you're not up to it. what does that mean? it's all you can do to keep the pot boilindown here. those girls better watch it, or out they go. look at that crack in the ceiling.

oh, that wasn't the party, stanley. that was the earthquake. what earthquake? the big one. don't you remember? oh, it was thrilling. thrilling? yeah. it was the first time our bed moved in years. will you get your mind out of the bed and onto the ceiling?! this is my building. they should get my permission before they throw parties like that. come on, stanley. it was just a little party-- a going-away party for one of the girls. if you'd go away, i'd give a party. it's a shame you don't live in india. you'd be sacred there. and contented. which one of us will go up and complain?

right. i'll go when my nails are dry. pants. socks. shorts. anything else? only things that don't come off. here. you can put this on. me, wear this? you've got to be kidding. eleanor didn't like it, either. that's why she left it behind. it's the only thing we have that'll fit you. don't say anything. what do you think? i can't tell. i'm used to seeing it pregnant. if the guys at the gym could see me now they'd make me turn in my towel. would you put these in the oven? the oven?!

uh, not too well-done, huh? you don't happen to have a razor, do you? yeah. you can borrow mine. great. here you go. i have a very light beard. do you have any shaving cream? no. it will be painful. wait. try this. oh, yeah. thank you. this will be fine. what is it? we use it to clean the sink. oh, boy. you really loused up that toast. it's not my fault. eleanor didn't leave the recipe. are the scrambled eggs ready yet?

hey, what's cooking? breakfast. you're just in time. do you mind if i eat in my boots? i'd rather you ate off the table. it started out as scrambled eggs. really? yes. i'm sure it's delicious. uh... i, uh... this... this is horrible. oh! do you think you could do any better? the proof will be in the eating. let me see what you got in here. okay. eggs, butter. we need mushrooms and onion. we'll start with that. start what? eggs madeira fungar. can you boil an egg? i don't know.

are you sure that you know what you're doing? i'm studying to be a chef at the l.a. technical college. you are looking at the galloping gourmet of 1980. oh, it takes that long. you have to learn how to trot before you can gallop. who said that? now, for my special touch, i'll need some bread crumbs. i have some in my bed. never mind. i'll make my own. that's silly. nobody makes bread crumbs. they just sort of fall off the bread. i need some wine. do you have a bottle? no, but i can make one up from the party leftovers. good. does it have to be all one color? mm-hmm. could you get me a heaping tablespoon of milk? yeah. heaping? never mind.

( doorbell rings ) who is it? it's mrs. roper. oh, come in. hey, don't you lock your door? whenever i think of it. you shouldn't take any chances. there've been a lot of robberies in this neighborhood lately. oh, yeah? look, honey, about all that noise you were making last night-- mrs. roper, i am really sorry. i was going to come down. right through the ceiling, we thought. i didn't mind all the music but, ooh, all that foul language. there wasn't any foul language. you weren't down there with mr. roper. we weren't the only ones making noise. he was beating on the ceiling with a broom handle. just keep it down next time, okay. you know what mr. roper's like:

he thinks queen victoria was a swinger. where's that wine? oh, hi. hi... hello. here it is, and hurry up. i'm really starving. what's that? oh, girlfriend spent the night here last night. girlfriend? look, look, honey... she looks dreadful without makeup, doesn't she? you tell mr. roper

a man up there-- in woman's clothes? that's right, stanley. he was wearing a girl's dressing gown but he didn't fool me. are you sure it was a man, not a woman? they all look alike nowadays. not to me, they don't.

peeping out. that doesn't prove anything. look at your mother. i don't care whether you believe me or not but it was a man. i wonder what game is going on up there. oh, probably something delightfully kinky that only three can play. i'm going up there and bounce him out right on his ear. it is small, but then, most of the time i'll be out here with you gals, chin-wagging. yes. this is the kitchen where we chin our wags. this is jack tripper. hi. how do you do? we found him in the bathtub. really? mm-hmm. i found a spider in the bath once. they crawl up the drainpipe. it was a horrible, hairy little thing.

i've kept the plug in it ever since. she could've fooled me. well, uh... look... patricia. my friends call me pattykins. okay... patricia, the thing is we have a lot of other girls coming to look at the apartment. we have? we better have. ( doorbell rings ) i could come back tomorrow. well... where is he? mr. roper. there you are. those clothes don't fool me a bit. this is our landlord. how do you do? i was just telling the girls... take off those clothes. i beg your pardon.

don't even sound like a girl. who do you think you're fooling? anybody can see that those aren't real. what made you think that you could...? oh, my god! you dirty old man. i'm sorry. it's a mistake anybody can make. they don't look real. no, no, no! they look like a pair of... like a couple of... oh! he touched my bosoms. do you think he's taking too much geritol? i couldn't.

with a man... ( stammering ) he didn't even say please! come and get it. you sit here, chrissy. oh, how nice. ahem! oh, you sit there. i hope it's all right. it's the best i could do under these primitive conditions. mmm! mm? you don't care for it, huh? oh, it's nothing, really. any genius could have done it. my specialty is le langoustine grillade bas a france avec la salade doucette. what is that? french. eventually, i'm hoping to open up a little restaurant

this breakfast is good enough to eat. thank you. i enjoyed making it. i don't get a chance to practice much at the y.m.c.a. is that where you're staying? i can't afford anyplace else unless i can find someone to share an apartment with. are you thinking what i'm thinking? i think so. good. listen, jack, how would you like...? i like it already. but first, let's just talk it over. would you excuse us for a minute? what's there to talk over? i think he'd make a terrific roommate. so do i. okay. let's ask him. before we rush into this we should add up the pluses and minuses.

he is a great cook. both: plus. he would be good protection for us. both: plus. he's very good-looking. plus! minus. minus?! minus! you saw the way he was looking at you. i know you, chrissy. you have a very low melting point. you're right. but with jack, i'll be strong. no, no, no. it will not work. you can't help yourself, chrissy. so i'm afraid you know what the answer's got to be. yeah. you'll have to be strong enough for both of us. here's your din-din. i'm telling you, helen. it was a woman. i have a very sensitive finger. look, stanley, i know a man when i see one-- mainly from memory, of course. what does that mean? it's been a long time since you laid your finger on me.

you've got enough mouth for three lips. i don't care what you say, stanley. it's a him. it's a her. ( both arguing ) me, move in here with you two? are you serious? yeah. of course, you'll have to share everything. gladly. the rent, the food, the phone bill. oh, those. yeah, sure. well, what do you say? i need time to think it over. i'll take it. but first, let's just get one little thing straight. that is your room, and this is our room. one false move and we take you right to the vet. ooh. ( doorbell rings ) you can move in as soon as you like. hi.

but me and the wife are having a disagreement about a certain matter of, uh... sex. you want to borrow a book? no, i don't want to borrow a book. no, it's about him. him? no, he's not the one. no, no, no. definitely not. this is our landlord. he's always doing that. hi. tripper, jack tripper. i'm moving in here. the one i saw was completely... oh, no, you're not. i'm not? moving in with two girls? not in my building. it'll be strictly platonic. i don't care. what does that mean? like you and me, stanley. even so, you can't move in here. well, i guess i'll put my pants on.

i'm sorry, jack. yeah. so am i. that landlord of yours-- he's really the pits. ah, hot, hot! i shouldn't have let him push me around. i should've laid right into him. you still can. you won't mind? no. i'd enjoy it. you would? yeah. let's go. okay. mr. roper, i wouldn't live under your roof... it's all right, son. janet just explained it to us. i'm sorry i misjudged you.

you can move in. it's all right. oh. and we hope you'll be very happy here, dear. oh. ta-ta. how did you get him to change his mind? easy. i just convinced him that nothing would happen between jack and us. how did you do that? i told him that jack was a decent, respectable hard-working young man. and that did it? not quite. i also told him that you were gay.