without us what would we do, baby without us and there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through what would we do, baby without us

mallory, that is two.

i don't know what's wrong.i'm so nervous. is it because it's parents night at school? it's parents night? at school? already? yes, yes, it is, mallory. your night of nights. a chance for parents and teachers to gather, review your grades, and have a good laugh. you just love parents night,don't you? oh, you bet. i put it up there with christmas eve. how are the dishes coming? there's one or two left. we'll be back by 9:30. it's goingto be very hectic. if you have to skip seeing my algebra teacher,i'll understand. alex, anyone you want us to avoid? au contraire. go anywhereyou want to go. i just hopeyou can contain your joy.

you've reminded us every hour. i won't be a pest,but it's important. his cousinteaches at dartmouth. if he writesmy recommendation, i'm in. ok, alex. so you'll see him,you'll butter him up? consider him buttered. you go to alex's classes.i'll go to mallory's. mr. tedesco. good guess. who are you? elyse keaton. alex's mother. alex keaton.good man. you mustbe very proud. alex is the beststudent in this class, but half of them think the hunchbackof notre dame was a football player. it's his favorite class. he talks about you frequently. no needto butter me up. my husband and i were anxious to meet you.

mallory. i had a studentnamed mallory keaton. she's the one. really? which oneof your childrenis adopted? [bell rings] all right, everybody. attention, please. i'm... ruben tedesco. your children call me mr. tedesco. i think you should, too. i teach european literature. if you don't belong here, don't worry. neither do most of your children. this is an open forum. i'll answer any intelligent questions you may have. i was wondering-- hands, please. the lady in front. my son. he says you pick on him. you call him names. who's your son? larry morgan.

madam, your sonis an insipid,pimple-faced liar. anyone else? pleaseidentify yourself. i'm mrs. vinnie. my daughter mindy so enjoyed reading the little prince. is there anything else you'd recommend for her? yes. i'd recommendshe lose 40 pounds. you could lose30 yourself. my, my. suchan inquisitive bunch. i have something to say. i think you owe mrs. vinnie and everyone else an apology. yeah. yeah. you've been terribly rude and insulting to us all. mrs. keaton,it's clear that your son does not gethis intelligence from you. if you feeli'm insulting, fine. i won't insultanyone anymore. this get-togetheris over. i'm leaving. wait a minute!

don't push me! move it, grandma. you can't do that! who's goingto stop me? mallory, you hold the plate, jennifer, you hold that piece, and i'll fit them together. ok. great. great. hold it like this for two minutes, and it'll last for 2,000 years. it says so right on the bottle. [telephone rings] [ring] what should we do? [ring] all right. don't panic. [ring] [ring] [ring] hello. yeah. just a second.

oh, thanks. ah, linda? i'm going to take it in the other room. sorry about that. you're home early.what happened? it's a long story. you talkedto mrs. stickney,didn't you? yes, but that's not the-- i promisei'll work harder. i'll do my homeworkevery night. maybe not every night,but every other night. mallory! we have other more serious problems right now. thank god. hey, how did it go? maybe you'd better sit down. i'm too excited.

very definitely. great. tell meevery detail. i don't exactly know how to put this-- i punched mr. tedesco in the mouth. what did you say? i punched him. mom, whenyou say punched, do you meanan affectionatelittle tap, like-- way to go, mr. tedesco? i decked him. wow. wow. any particularreason? he shoved an elderly lady. that's it? how old? alex, your mr. tedesco is a rude, crass, vile human being. i knew that. why didyou have to hit him? he was being so rude

i was seized by an uncontrollable impulse! can't you understand? no. it was just... one of those things. i'm sure we can all understand it. could you explain it again? show us how it happened, mom. alex, you be mr. tedesco. steven, i'mso ashamed of myself. striking anotherhuman being. look, elyse, i'm sure this can all be cleared up. cleared up very easily. now... why don't you call him and apologize? good. i'll get the number. everything's going to be fine. you just had a bad night, that's all. champ. mr. tedesco's beenasking for it forever. it's time somebodyput him in his place.

as meaning i condone violence. i don't. it was a freak occurence. ok, mom... say anythingyou have to say, but get methat recommendation. don't worry, alex. i can handle this. hello, mr. tedesco. hi, this is elyse keaton. please, please.hear me out. uh, mr. tedesco,i feel terriblyabout what happened, and i want to apologize. now, see here! what? wheredo you live? wh-where? mr. tedesco? yeah. pay noattention to her. she's beenon medication lately. hello?

mr. tedesco? may i have a word with you? you've alreadyhad seven.

huh? one ofthe dueling keatons. no, i--i-- don't come any closer. mr. tedesco, i came to apologize for my wife's behavior. she feels terrible about this. we're both really sorry. i could sue, you know. look. uh, look... let's try to gain some perspective on the situation. haven't you ever done something without thinking, something you regretted later? yes. i showed upfor parents night. look, i know you're upset, but you'reobviously a very... intelligent,civilized person who can recognizethis incidentfor what it is-- an aberration. and i hope you'llforgive and forget. fortunately, mr. keaton,

for his sake, i will allow myself to be appeased by your words. i am nothing if not civilized. i can see that. your wife, however, is an amazon. part irish,part french. no amazon. you know what i mean, keaton. she's primal. not fully evolved. it must be tough keeping her in line. tell me... do whips ever enter the picture? i'll be going now. no, i'm curious. what's it like to live with that unbridled she-devil? good-bye, mr. tedesc-- wait.one more question. does she ever, uh...

da da da da you're in a good mood. why shouldn't i bein a good mood? dad and mr. tedesco areprobably shaking hands. they're probably decidingto go for a beer. my problems are over. hey, mom. want to gofor a few rounds? float like a butterfly,sting like a bee. alex, i'm getting angry. whoa, kids, she's mad!hit the deck! will you stop it? get the table set. ok. ok. what's this? it's a plate. it used to bea plate. now it's art. there's lots more art in the cupboard. how did it go?

we didn't exactly discuss the recommendation. what did you talk about? well, um... first i introduced myself, then i told him how sorry we were. i convinced him to forgive and forget. we made a little bit of small talk, idle chatter, then i punched him in the face. i'm sorry, alex. the man is slime. elyse, if you'd heard the things he said... i can't believe this! i can't let you twoout of the house! that man would have made a killer out of gandhi. that manheld the key to my futurein his hands. that recommendationwas my passportto the ivy league,

girls named muffy. my geography teacher's been wising off lately. could one of you rough her up a bit? we've got to put a stop to this. this may sound crazy, but we ought to invite mr. tedesco to dinner tomorrow. what for?to finish him off? i don't wantthat man in my home. neither do i, steven, but until we're at peace with him, we'll never be at peace with ourselves. you're right. we owe it to alex to smooth this over. well, now you'retalking some sense. it's settled. we'll invite him for dinner tomorrow. girls, you'vegot to help me tonight. we've gotto keep thingsin an up mood.

in fact,let's practice, ok? go ahead, laugh. hee hee hee. hee hee hee. if he starts gettinginto it with mom and dad, talk about something else,like the weather. the chicken's in the oven, and the table is set. aw, chicken? is thatthe best you could do? what's wrong with chicken? you do notappease a manwith poultry. beef.we need beef. we're having chicken, alex. i've givensome thought as to what you mightsay to mr. tedesco. "never has so cruel an attack been perpetrated on so innocent a victim." "would that i couldreverse the hands of time, "i would. i beg your forgivenesswith all my heart and soul."

we shouldn't have hit him, but we're not begging his forgiveness. begging's out? we're not goingto grovel either. why are we having the guy over? [doorbell rings] i'll get it. mr. tedesco. hello, alex. come on in. please, sit down. thank you. hee hee hee hee hee! i'm gladyou could acceptour invitation. well, of course he accepted, mom. he's a very forgiving man. before yousits a human being who thinks and actson the highest plane. i came for the free dinner. mr. tedesco,

we're all reasonable,intelligent human beings who have justbehaved poorly over the past few days. my husband and iapologize for hitting you. i'm sure you're sorryfor saying the thingsyou said. what's for dinner? chicken.i was hoping-- i had chicken for lunch. there must besomething elsein the fridge. we could go out. no, alex, we are staying here, and we're eating chicken. i said i had chicken for lunch. um... they say it might rain. yeah. rain's good. now, that's the mallory i remember. mr. tedesco-- steven! i need some help in the kitchen with the chicken.

good! it's a big chicken. i'm sorry about that,mr. tedesco. it's about what i expected. there's no pointin going on with this charadeany longer. you're not writing that letterof recommendationfor me, are you? uh...are you? you know, keaton, this is one of those moments when i prize being a teacher. when i can watch a student squirm because i hold his fate. you like that, huh? i do, i do. there's something very appealing about playing god. that's howwe think of you. ah, look... i really needthat recommendation.

ok, ok, ok. you've suffered long enough. you got the recommendation. i do? i wrote it the day you asked me. it's right here. i don't usually show letters of recommendation to students, but this one's exceptionally well-written, and... well... here you go. oh. oh, mr. tedesco. oh, this is beautiful. thank you. i considered not giving you a recommendation, then i realized it wouldn't be fair. it wasn't you that hit me. no, no, it wasn't. it's not your fault your parents act that way. considering what your parents are like, you're a remarkable fellow. yeah. when they came into the classroom, i realized that evolution sometimes takes a detour. we're all descended from apes,

mr. tedesco, i'm sorry about flying off the handle earlier. my wife and i just reminded each other what this evening is all about, and how much it means to this family. we're defrostingsome steaks. it shouldbe ready shortly. yummy! no, mom. no steaks tonight. tonight, we're having chicken. no, alex, remember-- mr. tedesco had chicken for lunch. i don't care whatmr. tedesco had for lunch, and this is what i thinkof his recommendation. what are you doing? keepingmy self-respect. i overrated you, alex. i thought you were better than your parents. i was wrong. look, mr. tedesco, i don't feellike i'm betterthan my parents. if i grow up to beas good as they are, i'll be very proud.

i think we'd all appreciate it if you left now. my pleasure. nice going, alex. you should'vepunched him. no, he shouldn't have. you handled the situation just right. i know it wasn't easyfor you guys to invite himover for dinner. i know you did itfor me. thanks. the evening was a disappointment, but at least nobody got hit. alex, you're hard to figure. when i think i know you, you do something nice. [knock on door]

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