hi, ed, how you doing? i'm dying. that's nice. [sighing] [sniffs] ah. boy, the plans for this murdoch house are coming along... dying? you know that cold you caught last week? yeah. i caught it this week. oh, now, just a minute, ed. don't you blame me. a horse can't catch a cold from a human. [sneezes] then why am i sneezing? better call the vet and have him give you a shot, huh? oh, no. keep that trigger-happy quack away from me. wait a minute. look, dr. evans happens to be one of the best men in town. then why didn't you go to him for your cold? i go to my own doctor.

he doesn't treat horses. why not? uh, tell him it's your cold, it just moved to a bigger location. ed, take it easy for a few days. you'll be fine. now, look, i've--i've got to finish those murdoch plans. then carol and i are going to the ballet tonight with the addisons. [clears throat] [sneezes] gesundheit. let's face it, i'm sick as a dog. oh, look at those watery eyes, and that red nose. ahhh. i'm not long for this world. [sniffles] wilbur, feel my head. i think i'm getting a fever. you won't let me call a doctor, what can i do? well, you could nurse me back to health with your own loving hands.

i'll go down to the drug store and see what cold remedies they have. ah, good.

rog', i'm going to the drug store. can i get you... hey, is that your new camera? yeah. isn't that a beauty? mmm. wilbur, this lens is so powerful, i can take a picture of a fly at 100 feet. profile or full face? with this beauty, i'm a cinch to win my club's photography contest this year. well, i wish you good luck, rog'. [kay ululating] [drumming] [hollering] how.

she fell off a wagon train when she was a papoose. roger, i think it's very nice of kay to offer to help you out. see? he wanted to go out and hire one of those young models to stand around the beach in a bikini. so i said, "why waste your wampum when you've got me?" well, he had to admit i was right. of course, she was holding a tomahawk over my head at the time. hope you don't mind me using your yard, i'm trying to get different backgrounds. oh, no, help yourself. i gotta go to the drug store. oh, you're not sick? we've been looking forward to the ballet tonight. no, i'm fine. it's ed. he caught my cold. what? why, that's impossible. horses can't catch cold from humans. then why is he sneezing? see you later. all right, "minnie ha-ha." stand over there about 6, 7 feet away. shade your eyes, and look off into the distance. make like an indian. all right, great white doll. [birds chirping]

hold it. what am i watching for? oh. white settlers, uh, a herd of buffalo, a--a traveling blanket salesman, anything. yeah, that's right, sir. ok. goodbye. feeling better, ed? the man at the drug store said this vaporizer should clear a cold up immediately. yeah, it--it--it certainly did. [sneezes] take it away. ok. this sun lamp feels good. am i getting a tan? no. with your complexion, you'll probably just freckle. i know this stuff i got you should help. you know what would really help me? what? a nice, hot bath.

i've got 3 feet in the grave and you're making jokes. there isn't a tub in town that could hold you. you know anybody who's got a heated pool? look, i've got to get mr. murdoch's plans out, we're going to the ballet tonight. why don't you just close your eyes, relax, and take a nice little nap? shouldn't i be drinking lots of liquids? want me to get you some water? no. no water. my mother always said hot carrot juice is the only thing for a cough. what cough? [coughs] ed, we haven't got any carrot juice. i'd have to run clear into town for that, and i haven't got time. [coughing] remember, wilbur, i got this cold from you. you know what your problem is? you are a hypochondriac. yeah, i think i got a touch of that, too. do i get my carrot juice? all right, i'll get you some carrot juice. oh, wilbur, no horse ever had a better mother.

oh, honey, which dress should i wear to the ballet tonight? well, you'd look pretty in all of them. [giggles] carol, i gotta run into town. i won't be long. oh, have you finished with the plans for mr. murdoch? no, not yet, uh, i, uh--uh, well, i gotta pick up a gallon of carrot juice. ed's getting worse. oh, wilbur, honestly, the way you spoil that horse is ridiculous. why, you didn't pamper me that way when i had my cold 2 weeks ago. well, you're not a dumb animal. neither is mister ed. [clearing throat] [grunts] it's still a little red. all right, you germs in there, i want you all out of this horse by sundown. honey, if you could hear poor ed sneezing and coughing, it'd tear your heart out. wilbur, you know i like mister ed. but if he's so sick, why don't you call dr. evans? that trigger-happy quack?

honey, no. i mean, dr. evans, he's too free and easy with that needle. i didn't raise my horse to be a dart board. oh, when are you going to stop spoiling that animal? l-look, i'd better get going. i want to get back before the freeway traffic gets heavy. now, don't forget, wilbur, don't be late. i'je been counting on this ballet for weeks. honey, don't worry. i'll be back in time. [sighs] uh, carol. honey, if you get a chance, look in on ed, will you? oh, certainly. and while i'm there, shall i tell him a bedtime story? yeah, i think he'd like that. [police siren wailing]

yes, i'm, uh, afraid i was, officer. see, i'm in a hurry to ge-get home. there's a sickness in the family. your wife? no, my horse. very funny. may i see your driver's license, please? i--i wasn't trying to be funny, officer. i--i mean, there... my horse really is sick. he has--he has a terrible cold. my wife gave it to me, and i--i gave it to him. honey, you shouldn't be sitting there in the cold. that's right. i should be sitting at the ballet. honey, you--you have every right in the world to be angry. i guess you're wondering where i've been. in jail. in jail? well, it's a-- it's a long story. i passed the sobriety test with flying colors, but had a little bit of trouble

[gasps] i knew when you left the house today, something would happen. well, the addisons have left, we've missed the ballet, and i hope that precious horse of yours enjoys his carrot juice. [slamming] negligee is very pretty. looks beautiful on you. i'm sure you'd like it better if it were a horse blanket. carol, i'm sorry about tonight. gee, i tried to explain. that horse always comes first. he does not. sometimes i wish he were another woman, then i'd stand a chance. now, carol, believe me... everything is for mister ed. i just wish you cared one-tenth as much for me. i . that is, you mean just as much to me as that horse.

look, sweetie, i'll make it up to you. we'll go to the ballet tomorrow night, huh? we'll eat out and then we'll go dancing to a night club. ooh, we'll really live it up. oh, wilbur. but what if mister ed sneezes again? honey, if he's still got his cold tomorrow, i send him to a vet. oh, thank you, darling. [phone ringing] oh, who could that be at this hour? hello? wilbur. i'm cold. i've got chills. well, there's, uh, nothing i can do about it now. bring me some blankets. my teeth are chattering so loud, i can't sleep. [teeth chattering] ok, i'll take care of it right away. goodbye, mr. murdoch. mr. murdoch at this hour? yeah, well, he, uh, he suddenly wants me to add a fireplace to the master bedroom.

poor darling. how long will it take you? oh, just a couple of blankets. uh, a couple of minutes.

m more nice hot carrot juice, huh? yeah, the way i feel, i can use a stiff drink. [laughs] [moaning] there we go. [sighs] ok, ed. bottoms up. uh, can i have my straw? all right. thanks. [slurping] good. ah. uh, now, how about one for the road? oh, no, you've had enough. you're feeling better, eh? ah, let me just take your temperature.

open up. i hope mr. murdoch's temperature is normal. while i was here, ed caught a chill. why don't you throw him over your shoulder and burp him? honey, i was just coming up to bed. don't bother. you can snuggle up here with your sick friend. [footsteps approaching] well, how do you like addison's latest brainstorm? very cute, kay.

so he figures that foreign girls are the answer. uh-huh. are you and wilbur going on a trip? no. we had a fight and i'm going home to mother. oh, now, wait a minute, doll. if you have a fight with your husband, you don't go home to mother. you bring your mother home to him. no, kay, i'm through. i'm tired of playing second fiddle to a horse. hey, kay, i just got some news about-- uh, just a minute, addison. there's a real domestic problem here. wha-- oh, now, carol, come on. i--i know you're upset about not going to the ballet last night, but--but you can't expect a husband to be perfect. mine isn't even normal. she has a point there. now, sweetie, don't do anything rash. you've only been married for a short while. it takes years of living together for a couple to really hate each other. if wilbur wants me back, he'll know where i am.

i'm going to visit mother for a while. maybe a few weeks, maybe a month. oh, now that's being silly. oh? you spend the night soaking that horse's feet, and i'm silly! well, he happens to be sick. i'm sick, too. sick of your treating your horse better than you do your wife. now, just a moment, both of you. what's needed here is a calm, cool head. he's right. where can we find one? carol, wilbur, this whole thing can be settled in a quiet, mature way. why don't you let some unbiased party hear both sides, and then have him tell you what he thinks? fine. ok with me. all right. now, carol, as i see it, you hate that 4-legged bindlestiff out there. a feeling which i share with you completely. oh, i want a lawyer. roger, i don't hate mister ed. i'm very fond of him. what i object to is the way wilbur pampers him. surely, as his wife, i'm entitled to a little attention. certainly, my dear. don't you want to hear my side of the story?

you should be ashamed of yourself, the way you treat this girl in such a shabby manner. in my book, you're guilty. and i'll help you carry your bags to the station. i can't say i haven't had a fair trial. wilbur, if you are wise, you will stop pampering your horse, and start pampering your wife. and be kind, and gentle, and sweet. come on, kay, you've meddled in their affairs enough. i've meddled? honey, well, i'm sorry, dear. you're right. i--i have been spoiling ed and i promise i'll stop. ok? do you mean it? word of honor. can i take these back upstairs? uh-huh. [both laughing] oh, honey. lead the way. i handled that rather nicely, don't you think? my strategy worked perfectly. mmm, very good, doll. but why don't you ever take the wife's side when we have a fight? my dear, we never have fights.

come on. you better take my picture while i'm still speaking to you. my dear, there has been a slight change of plans. i just learned that charley morton is going to judge this contest, and his taste tends more to animal pictures. ok. find a tree and get me a banana. [door opening] hi, ed. how do you feel? uh, i think i'm losing the cold. good. but i'm getting pneumonia. pneumonia? maybe you'd better fly me to the mayo clinic. look, i nearly lost carol. she nearly left me. and i'm gonna stop pampering you. if you're really sick, i'll call a doctor. no, no. i-i-i'll fight our germs alone. you know, ed, you worry too much. i got over my cold in a couple of days, and so can you. how did you do it, wilbur? i just got into bed, and i stayed there. ok. get me a bed.

[door opening] [door closing] yeah, a bed. i think it's a good idea. hello, operator. ed, we're finally off to the ballet. [chuckling] ed? ed, where did this come from? oh, this feels good. i think i'll have breakfast in bed tomorrow. ed, if carol sees this, she'll leave me for sure.

genuine silk. this bed has got to go. come-- please, wilbur! i'm not wearing pajamas. [sputters] what am i gonna do with this animal? oh, no! (addison) wilbur, are you in there? not one peep out of you. [snoring] wilbur, the animal picture i just thought of has got to win first prize. what picture? i'm going to have kay stand on mister ed's back. it'll make a terrific shot. but--but rog'... honey, it'll only take a few seconds. you see, wilbur, the beauty of this shot is that it combines the girl--

carol, start packing. [gasps] [sighs] wilbur, goodbye! i'll drive you to the airport. you're sick, wilbur. very sick. just a minute. you've been talking all day long about getting a great animal picture, right? yeah. hmm. i've gone to all this trouble, and this--this is the thanks i get! you mean this is just for the contest? (wilbur) that's right. wilbur, this is a stroke of genius. this can't miss. this has got to take first prize. i'm gonna get in this picture if it kills me.

come on, honey, we'll be late for the ballet. oh, wilbur. oh, roger. yeah? when you're finished with ed, put a couple of hot water bottles next to his feet.

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switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509 call today at see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. hi, ed. how do you feel today? in the pink, wilbur. it's good to be on my feet again. mmm. how'd you like your new bed? oh, what a night. when i was covered, my tail wasn't. and when my tail was covered, i wasn't. then you didn't like the bed, uh? no. but the mattress was delicious. and jane wyatt. with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin,