- well it's not like i want it just for myself. well this would mean a lot to kathy, to betty, to mom. an investment is what it really is. an investment in family togetherness. why everyone is buying a boat these days. - well i'll tell you, bud. i have a very simple answer to your problem. you wanna buy a boat? get yourself a part- time job, earn the money and buy it. - oh, well now it's not that easy dad. i've looked for a job. - yeah, where? - everywhere. - (laughs) that cover's quite an area. give me a for- instance. - well i tried a couple of service stations. cross road service down on main street. - yeah - bill shepard's over on 4th, nothing but... (squeaking wheels of garage door) (audience laughs) - oh, sorry bud. bud! bud! - it's tough for a guy going to school

- hi father. - [jim] hi - do me a favor, will you? - mmhmm? - where do you buy your gas and oil and tires and things like that? - where do you think we buy them? at the shoe store. - well wherever you buy them, don't buy them there anymore. buy them at bill shepard's service station! - i wonder if that was a paid commercial announcement. - yeah - mother! oh i've had a simply wonderful day. how are you? - oh i'm fine. what's his name? - who? - oh, let me do that for you. the boy who's responsible for this being a simply wonderful day. - does it show that much really? - well it couldn't be more obvious if you printed his name across your forehead. - he's hardly a boy. bill's at least 26. - bill who? - bill shepard. he owns that real nice service station over on 4th street. honestly mother, he's one of the most thoroughly charming men i've ever met. - well i've got news for you. he wasn't so charming to me when i asked him for a job yesterday. - [betty]did he know who you were? - well i didn't run up to him and say, "hire me quick, i'm betty anderson's brother!" it was the first time i'd seen the guy. - oh, he was probably busy or something.

- yes mom. would you like a job in his service station? - sure, i'd like a job in anybody's service station. - [betty]well, i'll talk to him tomorrow. - [bud]great. - well now wait let's back up a little here. i don't go along with this. - well why shouldn't i ask him? the station is always crawling with cars. bill needs someone to help him, i know he does. - i think what your father is trying to say is that it might be better for bud if he got the job on his own. is that the message dear? - that's the message. i'll make a deal with you bud. - yeah? - if you get a job at bill shepard's gas station. on your own hook. and not let him know you're betty's brother, i'll match what you make dollar for dollar toward buying the boat. how's that? - well that's great dad. - well that's silly. why can't i just... - look, would you mind pulling out of this gas station, you're interfering with business. - i'll never understand the workings of the male mind. - now i assume from what betty said that bill shepard needs some help in his station. - oh i'm sure he does.

- alright, the thing for you to do then is to prove to him that he needs you around the place. - how? - very simple. go over there after school and if he's busy just ask him if you can give him a hand. don't talk about money right away. just pitch in and do whatever needs to be done. i guarantee you'll get a job. - well ok, if you say so. - but remember. if anybody spills the beans that you and betty are brother and sister, then our dollar for dollar deal is off. - whatever you say dad. i'll drop by the station tomorrow. - bud can't go into the station a perfect stranger and start working just like that. bill will think he's being invaded. he'll call the police, won't he? - i don't know. it's been a long time since i've managed a gas station.

- i'll be with you in a sec. - hi - hello there. what can i do for ya? - oh, nothing. i noticed you're kind of busy. i see you're kind of busy. - yeah. yeah it happens this way sometimes. they all come in at once. - well, i've got nothing else to do.

oh i wouldn't be working for you or anything. i would just do it for kicks, to have something to do. (car honking) - well sure. sure. if you want to work just to have something to do it's alright with me, go ahead. - great!

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how's my prettiest customer? - that's a sneaky way to sell gasoline. - you just had the tank filled yesterday. you can't be out of gas already. - nope. the fact of the matter is i don't need a thing. except, perhaps, the windshield wiped off. - uh- huh. there you go again, taking advantage of my kind and generous nature. there are not many people i do this for. - not more than four or five hundred.

- oh him. no, no. i didn't hire him. he just appeared, said he wanted to work for the fun of it, so i let him. he's been working like a dog ever since. (energetic music) - he must be a very energetic young man. - well he's either very energetic or he's going through a fraternity initiation or he's very sick, i don't know. oh betty, by the way. there's a play opening up the stockwell theater tonight. the green hills. it's got most of the original new york cast in it, and well, would you like to go? - uh, here. the fella paid for a tire job. - oh, thanks. (phone rings) excuse me a minute.

- stall him off? - yeah, you've got to. look, if he comes over to the house he's bound to find out you're my sister. - well let him find out. - no! if he does, my deal with dad is off. gimme a chance, will ya? restrain yourself. (audience laughing) - well betty, what do you say? would you like to go tonight? - i'd love to go bill. but, umm... mid- term exams are coming up pretty soon and i've just got to stay home and study. maybe another time? - definitely. - thanks for asking me. - look, i'll see ya. - and thank you.

- so far you're doing fine son. you've got a foot in the door. now here's another suggestion. - oh no. - what do you mean, "oh no."? first idea i gave you worked out alright, didn't it? alright, now here's step number two. this is the clincher. this is the key to making the grade in any job at any time. now here's the secret. always give a little more than you're asked to give. work a little harder than you're expected to work. it's as simple as that. it's true bud. take my word for it. work a little harder than the boss expects you to work and you'll succeed. it never fails. - well, if you say so dad. i'll try it. - good. - whatever you're going to do, do it quick. there's a man at stake and i'm not getting any younger.

- say, you're doing a good job there bud. what gave the idea of washing the windows? - well, i wasn't busy and they looked like they could use a little cleaning. i'm just about through now. - say bud, come over here a minute will you? now i'll tell ya what to do. when you get through over there, if you want you can come on in here and clean everything out of the lube rack. you know, stack up these grease drums here. stack up these oil drums here. clean the grease guns. get rid of all this trash. throw out the tires. put the lube equipment in the boxes. well, you've got to clean out that work bench a little bit. and get rid of all these cans here.

you know, strip the place bare and scrub it down. you'll find a mop and a brush back in the storeroom.

- i, uh. grease rack's all clean. anything else? - no, go on home. i'll see ya tomorrow. - [bill] hello, betty? betty, this is bill. - how are you? - oh well, i'm fine betty. uh, listen. i'm trying again for that date. you know the play that opened up in the stockwell theater last night? well it's supposed to be a smash. well, would you like to go tonight? - oh i'd love to go bill. - you can't! what about bud?

- kathy! - sorry, small family problem. well about tonight, i honestly do want to see the play and it's very sweet of you to ask me. i do have to wait... what happened to you? - [margaret] oh no. - hello betty. betty, you still there? - what in the world have you been doing? - working. - well take those things off bud - bill hire you on regular yet? - no, not yet. - hello, operator? - well why is he making you work so hard if he hasn't even hired you? - well he isn't making me. - well he's letting you. - i don't think its one bit fair. hello, bill? i'm awfully sorry. i can't go with you tonight. well, somethings come up. a family matter. thank you very much for asking me. maybe another evening. goodbye. - oh no no, wait a minute betty. hello, betty? - poor guy. there dear. - one minute i'm doing great and

why the switch? - one more day of this and i'm going to put my foot down. - i don't know whether to be angry at bill or at father. - well, my two beautiful dolls. - there must be some way to run this world without men. - here is your paper, dear. (audience laughing) - what's all this, bud? you moving me out? - no. i figured, as long as we've got the lube rack all cleaned up yesterday i may as well do the same thing in here. - oh alright. it's fine with me if you want to do it. oh, bud. by the way.

with me, that is. - well, perhaps i might make it on saturday night. - well good. - by the way, how's that young man getting along? - well there's the greatest mystery of all time. human perpetual motion. he never stops working. - you were lucky to be able to hire him. - oh i haven't hired him yet. he's just on temporary. you see, it's turned into a game with me now. (laughs) i just want to see how much work that kid'll do. (laughs) - i can't go with you saturday night. - what? hey look out, the nozzle is still in the tank.

she did it again. - father, it's a lovely idea. "work a little harder than you're expected to. "give a little more than is asked." but it just doesn't work anymore. - i think it does. in fact, i know it does. well, bud. what's the report? - nothing. i work like a dog. i scrubbed out the whole tire and battery room. i scrubbed out the grease rack.

he didn't even say thanks. - well i'd like to hit him. just hit him. - you know what's even worse? when i was leaving just now. he said he wanted me to come in at seven o'clock in the morning. he wants me to paint the repair shop. what do you think i should do, dad? think i should go down there at seven o'clock in the morning, or just forget the whole thing, huh?

maybe you better decide for yourself. - father, it's too bad, but people aren't as nice as you think they are. you know what you are? you're a dreamer. - well fellas, that's the wall i want painted back there. you're late for work. you grab your 10-gallon jug of coffee, and back out of the garage. right into your wife's car.

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there is some hose over there in the corner. if that gets in your way, if you like, feel free to put it out here on the rack. try to put down a cloth of some kind, cause we kind of like to keep the place clean, ya know. shouldn't have any problems. i'll be out working out here most of the day and there won't be any work going on in the garage. oh good morning bud. - hi. what are they doing? - they're painting the repair shop. - i thought you wanted me to do that. - oh no no, bud i changed my mind. these fellas are professionals. they'll do a better job. - well i suppose i could find something else to do. - i don't think so. the windows have all been washed. everything in the station has been wiped, and dusted and scrubbed. sorted. you just worked yourself right out of your temporary job bud. (ominous music) - you mean i'm through? - well bud, that's the way it shapes up.

- father, i don't know why you let bud come down here this morning in the first place. - this was his own idea. - good morning. oh, hello betty. - hello. - we stopped by to see bud anderson. is he here? - oh bud? yeah he's here. he's-- did you say bud anderson? are you and he related? - sorta. he's my brother. - what? - too bad you didn't find that out sooner, isn't it? what do you have him doing now, breaking rocks? - no! he's in there. he's changing his clothes. look betty, it wasn't like you think at all.

oh look, here he comes. - tada! how do you like my new outfit, huh? - well it's beautiful. and white. - allow me to introduce my... my new assistant manager. - assistant manager? - well, congratulations son. - i'm sorry i made it so tough on you, bud. but when i'm lining a man up to by my assistant, he has to prove himself. and he certainly did mr. anderson. i had to hire him. the way he was working around here, i couldn't afford not to. and never once did he mention that he had

- is that play still running at the stockwell theater? - well it better be. i've got two tickets for saturday night. and bud will be here to run the store. - alright, assistant manager. give us a sample of your service. check the oil and water. check the battery. check the tires. fill up the tank. clean off the windshield. - are you kidding? and get my new uniform dirty, i wouldn't think of it. (laughing) (applause) - [voiceover] robert young.

(laughter) with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin ... in father knows best. - [margaret] wait till you see what we have for dessert, bart. - [jim] (muffled conversation) - [margaret] i'll be right in, dear. - [jim] take your time, honey. bart and i can talk a little business in the meantime. - (chuckles) it will be hard to get back to business after a wonderful meal like that. - [jim] sit down, bart. - yeah, mom doesn't cook that way for everybody, mr. holden. you must be pretty important. - (chuckles) i don't feel very important. even the bottom rung of the ladder looks mighty high from where i stand. - you'll do all right, bart. it just takes a little time and patience to get started in any business. the insurance business is no exception. and, i think you're gonna like springfield, too. it's a good town. - if this is any example of its hospitality, i know i will. - thank you. - tell me, mr. anderson. how long did it take you to get where you are? - oh, it was tough sledding for quite a few years ... but worth it! - 'course, in this day and age, it shouldn't take so long. everything's geared up, now, to a faster pace.

but, i ... wonder if the people who have the speed are geared up to it. sometimes, the ... slow way is the best way. particularly when it comes to handling prospective clients. personally, i like to ... find out what kind of a man i'm dealing with. what he likes. his hobbies, if he has any. now, you take someone like ... brian page. - you're telling me brian page is a client of yours?! - well, i don't have his name on a policy yet ... but i'm hoping. - you better work fast, mr. anderson. i'll bet every insurance agent in town's after this character. - that's the point i'm trying to make, bart. before i see him again, i want a little time to find out more about him. i know, for instance, that his hobby is tropical fish. so, i've been spending a little time in the local aquarium, boning up, so-to-speak. - it says, here, he's got one fish worth over 500 dollars. - 500 dollars for one fish?!

- one ... plain, old ... fish?! - that plain, old fish, bud, happens to be a gambusia affinis. - oh. - it's a real pet. mr. page calls it hector. - (chuckles) funny name for a fish. - bart seems like a very nice young man. - what i like about him is he's so quiet, in a smooth way. how did father find him, anyway? - and gold fishbowls. - [margaret] at a rotary club luncheon, i believe. your father took a liking to him, and offered to help him get started in the insurance business. - father should go to more rotary club luncheons. i hope he's single. - want me to ask him for ya? - thank you. no. - you're not gettin' any younger, you know? - bud. do two things for me, will ya? - anything to advance the cause. - open the door, and shut your mouth? (humorous music)

as long as bart's gonna settle in springfield, he'll need a place to live. know anyone with an apartment they want to rent? - what kind of an apartment, bart? - she means, are you looking for a bachelor or a double? - oh! bud! - you better be careful, bud, or you'll be looking for an apartment. - a bachelor would be just right. after all, its for me. and, i am a bachelor. - [bud] see how easy it is? - you'll have to excuse my brother. sometimes, he convulses us with his humor. - (chuckles) don't mind me. not having any brothers or sisters, i kind of enjoy this banter. - oh! then, wait 'till kathy gets here. we're just warmin' up. - [jim] kathy's our youngest. (laughs) - they're having a box social at the church. she's been looking forward to it for a month. big deal. - you should have seen the boxed lunch she fixed up for herself and her boyfriend. - she had enough food in it to give her boyfriend, burgess, indigestion for a week. - oh, here she is now, bart. - [kathy] daddy? - [jim] come on in here, kitten. i'd like to have you meet a friend of ours. - if you don't mind, daddy ... i'd like to be excused.

- i suspect this calls for a small conference. excuse me, bart. - 'course. - you better stay a bachelor, bart. save yourself a lot of trouble. (sullen music) - what's the matter, kitten? didn't burgess like your boxed lunch? wanna tell me about it? - [kathy] if i do, i'll start crying. - i've got pretty good shoulders for that, you know? - i'm too mad to even cry! - now ... let's have the whole story, so i can be mad, too. - well ... you know how box socials work. - somewhere, in the dim past,

- the girls fix up nice, boxed lunches, and the boys bid on 'em. - don't tell me no one bid on yours. - no one did, because burgess was supposed to bid on mine. 'cept, he didn't get mine. - well, whose did he get? - patty! she told him to bid on the one with the purple ribbon. thought it was mine! - ah. a glimmer of light's beginning to show. - she was describing her boxed lunch. i sure looked silly eating by candlelight and music all by myself.

- does murder have one d, or two? - [jim] one. murder?! revenge?! what're you doing? writing a mystery story? - making up a list of things to do to patty for stealing burgess away from me. - what?! - i have to get even with her some way. - you can't gain anything by ... getting even with people, kathy. - i can try. - think of all the time and energy you waste. - i'm loaded with both. - not only that, what's even worse it makes you fill your mind with dark, unpleasant thoughts.

- just what would you do if somebody double-crossed you? - it would depend on the circumstances, of course. but sometimes, it's better not to do anything. particularly in your case. patty's a friend. - you mean to tell me, daddy, that if someone you trusted suddenly did something real mean, you wouldn't do anything?! - i don't think i would. i think i'd just pretend it didn't happen. (chuckles) turn the other cheek. - of course, you have seen more of life than i have. i suppose you ought to know. frankly though, i don't think it makes much sense! (humorous music) but, i'll think about it. - you better think about it, too, jim. - oh, hi, honey! - kathy's not the only one who's been double-crossed by a friend. remember that fine, young man you've been doing so much for? the one you'd gone out of your way

- bart? - well, mrs. brown was at the brian page home this morning, visiting. - [jim] hmm? - [margaret] she said, while she was there, a young insurance salesman arrived, and insisted that he talk to mr. page. it was bart. he was trying to sell mr. page a quick policy. - what?! - that's only part of it. he tried to convince the page's that your methods of selling insurance were old-fashioned and out of date. all i can say is if mr. page's hobby is collecting fish, he's got himself a first-class eel this time. - there must be a mistake, margaret! bart would have no reason to double-cross me. he'd only hurt himself! i'm his friend! - well, evidently, he's not yours. - but, i've been trying to help him. we all have! even betty wa-- margaret. he's taking betty out to dinner tonight. - wha-- - [jim] now, you know,

and face us if-- (car horn honks) - [voiceover] i'll get it! (car horn honks) it's probably bart! (car horn honks) - we'll not have betty going out with that ... - now, wait a minute. don't you think we ought to hear his side of the story? - well ... all right. - hi, bart. i'll be right out. - [margaret] betty! - [betty] i won't be too late, mother. - [jim] is bart coming in? i'd like to at least say hello to him. - there's something about his engine. he says, if he shuts it off, he can't get it started again. so, i guess, in a case like this, i can overlook the finer point today again. bye, bye. really won't be too long. - is it all right if i stop smiling now, jim? (sullen music) - [jim] how was the date, princess? - what a character. - we know. - what do you mean? - he's not only square, he's oblong, and dull! all this man talks about is money, and how fast it can be made. and when he wasn't talking about money,

new client he'd heard about recently. - he didn't happen to mention this client's name, did he? - no. in fact, he was very careful not to mention it. i don't know why. i couldn't have been less interested. (yawns) i guess i'll go to bed now. good night. just hope i don't dream about fish all night. - fish?! - fish?! - oh, that's another little gem. bart's developed a strange, new hobby. tropical fish. i'll bet you didn't know that a gambusia affinis ... fish, to you ... gives birth to living young! and if you'd like any other information, just check with me. we spent the entire evening at the aquarium! - you know what upsets me the most? it isn't that bart might get a client away from me. that happens in business all the time. we expect it. it's the fact that someone i trusted,

would go behind my back to do such a thing. i suppose it doesn't make sense, but ... actually, i feel sorry for him. - how can you feel sorry for someone who's doing everything in his power to double-cross you? - i feel sorry for him, because he's letting himself in for a lot of hard knocks. - what're you gonna do about him, dad? - i don't know. - why don't you do what you told me to do, daddy? - hmm? - [kathy] you know! don't do anything. just turn the other cheek! - i also said, kathy, that circumstances can be different. - what's so different? we both lost something we were working on. you lost a client, and i lost a boyfriend. - well, i can't argue with that. - then, let's forget this other-cheek business, and get in and fight, huh?!

- what have i done that's so wrong? - there's nothing wrong in what you've done. it's the way that you'd done it. i could respect you, if you'd been man enough to come to me and tell me what you were doing ... instead of going around behind my back with these underhanded methods. - okay. and, you call my way of doing things underhanded. i call it aggressive. furthermore, the way you've been holding back on this man ... controlling him, and getting to know him, as you put it. you'd lose him anyway. - tell me, bart. this ... aggressive approach of yours ... have you sold him a policy? - no! i've only talked to him twice. - well, now let me tell you something, my young friend. my methods may not be aggressive ...

but they happen to be ethical. i would suggest that if you want to be successful in this community ... and if you want the respect of the other businessmen here, you'd better become acquainted with that word, ethics. - look, i didn't mean for you to get all shook up. - well, i am all shook up! there's one other thing i think you should know. brian page made a name for himself, many years ago, by practicing honesty and ethics in business. if you'd taken the time that i've taken to know this man, you'd find that he hasn't changed his theories through the years. so, you go ahead with your modern theories, bart. we'll see which method works. yours ... or mine.

- how do i know you won't go to page and tell him this whole deal? after all, you're pretty much in the driver's seat. - that's just the point, bart. you don't know. your best bet is to hope that i am as ethical a businessman as i claim to be. (telephone buzzes) yes? who is it, miss thomas? mr. page?! (lighthearted music) - daddy?! look! - what is it, kitten? patty's reservation for a trip to the moon? - something even better! it's a note she wrote to burgess in class today, only he never got it. i did! - what good is it gonna do you?

and, all i have to do is give this note to the teacher, and old patty will have to stay after school every night for a week. - what?! - ah! that'll get even with her for snitchin' my boyfriend away. - now, wait a minute, kathy. - it's too bad you can't get even with mr. holden, like i'm gonna get even with patty. (evil laughs) - [jim] well, i had a good chance to get even with him today. - yeah?! - as you put it, i had a good chance to snitch on him. mr. page called me. he wanted to know what kind of a person bart holden is. - boy! now, you're cookin'! - what did you tell him, jim? - oh ... the truth. or, what i thought was the truth once. i told him i had high hopes for bart in the insurance world. which, i did at one time. and, that i was sure he would do everything in his power to give him the best of service. which, i'm sure he will.

couldn't you have thrown in just a couple of mean things? - i could've. - jim, honestly. it's one thing to turn the other cheek. you don't have to lean over backwards. i think you should've told mr. page exactly the kind of person bart is. - don't think it wasn't a temptation. - [margaret] then, why didn't you? - because, all of a sudden, it became a challenge to me. it became a matter of ethical practice over dishonest practice ... of high-pressure salesmanship as opposed to ... my old-fashioned ideas. one being that ... i believe there should be a code of ethics among friends. even when they are competing ... they're in the same profession.

why should i lower my standards to conform to those of someone like bart? - well ... i guess if you can risk losing mr. page, i can risk losing burgess. i won't tell on patty. - good for you. - i'd sure like to know what's in this note though. - you mean you haven't read it? - well, i don't read other people's mail. - kitten. i have an idea. - you think i should read it?! - [jim] no. i think you should see that burgess gets that note. - [kathy] what?! - after all, it was to be delivered to him, not to you. - but, supposing it's a pleasant pen letter about me?! - i just said it was an idea.

- well ... okay. - now, jim. i appreciate the fact you're trying to set a good example for kathy. but, hers is a child's problem. yours is different. this is a pretty big business deal you're gambling with. - i know. but, margaret, i ... i couldn't do it any other way. i just couldn't!

- [margaret] a

- [margaret] i don't mean to rub it in. you must've really sold bart to him. - it looks that way. - mrs. brown said he's been to the page's twice for dinner. and evidently, he plays golf with him. anyway, i saw them together up at the club the other day. i think you oversold him, jim. - well, that's my profession, honey. selling. (laughter) (telephone rings) oh, that's miss thomas. - all right, dear. hello? yes. well, he's on his way to the office. who is this? page? mr. page?! jim! jim, come back! hold the page, mr. line. i mean just a minute, mr. page. i mean i can catch him! - what is it, dear? - it's mr. page! oh. excuse me. he's coming.

yes, mr. page. oh. i was just on my way to the office. - have you seen my cap? - oh, shh! - i'll be glad to! i could stop by on the way! (chuckles) will i what? mr. page, believe me. i would consider it a great honor. all right. goodbye. - what did he say, jim? - are you gonna handle his insurance? - i think so. - really? - well, he said his writing arm was in good shape! - congratulations, jim. - yeah! (yells and laughter) you know, margaret? i wasn't at all sure it would turn out this way. - i wasn't either, as you know, but it did.

- i ... guess my old-fashioned methods weren't so bad after all. you know what else he told me?! - what?! - hector had twins this morning. - now, how could a hector have twins? - i guess when you have as much money as mr. page, anything is possible! particularly when hector turned out to be a lady! (laughter) - oh, i must wake betty, and tell her of the blessed event. - yeah! (margaret makes silly sounds) - you mean that 500-dollar fish is a mother? - that's right! - [bud] 500 dollars for one fish. let's see, three times 500 is 1500 smackers. now, that's the kind of multiplying i dig. - daddy, can i have 50 cents? - what for? - so, i can buy patty and me some ice cream. - you and patty must've made up. - uh-huh. i guess you knew what you were doing, after all.

now, we're all friends again. - you certainly arouse my curiosity. what was in that note anyway? - well ... patty wrote to burgess about what she did to me at the box social. said she was sorry. - well, i'm glad to hear that, kitten. - thanks. has mr. holden said he was sorry for what he did? - no. - do you think he ever will? - he might. one day. (laughs) particularly when he finds out he missed being godfather to a gambusia affinis.

[ ] [whistling] [phone ringing] to the rear. hup! company, halt. one, two. baxter residence. oh, hi, charlie. no. nope. i told you a thousand times, i won't go to the movies with you as long as you're wearing that bag of garlic around your neck. oh, go on. that's just superstition. it don't keep off colds. it just keeps off friends. charlie, i ain't got time to argue with ya.

oh, he's mr. b.'s nephew. he's gonna be staying with us for a while. okay, charlie. sure. call later. bye. poor fella. he gets lonely. won't anybody talk to him? just over the phone. it's that way every year. by the time it's spring... [laughs] he's glassy-eyed and muttering to himself. it's pathetic. [car approaching] is he here? well, i heard a car, but i guess it was next door. i fixed up the guest room. i wanted to put some fresh flowers in there, but there ain't nothing left in the garden. well, i'm sure a boy just out of the army can survive without flowers in his room. his wife might like 'em. well, uh... son, uh... helen won't be with him. she won't? why not? well, you see, sport, kevin and helen ain't exactly married no more. hazel, yes, they are still married. well, she wrote him, asking for a divorce. any wife that'd do that

oh, the little snip. i'd like to turn her over my knee. hazel, that's enough. what's going on? well, we were just telling harold about kevin and helen. she's gonna divorce him. yes, i know. somebody should give that girl a good spanking. right. all right, you two. now, we don't know how or why she came to such a decision. and it's unfair to judge her without knowing the facts. any girl that tries to divorce her husband when he's overseas ain't worth-- all right, hazel. let's stop talking about it. two cents. hazel, where is that new box of candy? i want to put it out for kevin. oh, i'll get it for ya, missy. i hid it in one of the top shelves in the kitchen. i didn't want... you-know-who eating it all up. oh, harold wouldn't eat all that candy. oh, i didn't mean harold, mr. b. one of these days that woman's going too far. harold, now, i want to warn you about kevin. don't mention helen to him at all. we don't want to make him feel badly.

if he wants to talk about it, let him bring it up. [car horn honks] oh, there he is. [car door closes] where's his rifle? son, they have to turn them in. that's a gyp. hazel: oh, i-is he here? he just drove up out front. do i look all right? oh, you look fine. hi, kevin! welcome home, kevin! welcome, kevin! kevin, oh, it's so good to see you. oh, it's good to be back. welcome, kevin. thanks, uncle george. hi, kevin. did you bring a bayonet? i'm afraid not, harold. hey, you've grown. i know it. these are new pants. hi, kevin. hello, hazel. how's my favorite letter writer? oh, terrific. give me a big hug. that's better. boy, you're handsomer than ever. that little snip must be out of her mind. hazel. now that you're back in the old neighborhood, you're gonna have the time of your life. right, mr. b.? right, hazel. you're gonna meet some nice girl, and you'll just forget that little snip ever existed. hazel, please. well, shall we go in the house? we have a lot of catching up to do. ye. no, no, here, i'll get it.

[laughing] anything new from your father and mother, kevin? no, just that they'll be getting back from florida next week. i sure appreciate your putting me up until then. oh, don't be silly. you're welcome to stay here as long as you like. sure. you couldn't be more welcome if you was a blood relative. hazel, he is a blood relative. oh, i mean, of mine. i bet you're just dying to call all your old friends. well, uh, not right away. i'll see. well, let's go inside. sure. come on in. well, kevin, your friends will probably be calling you. i bet you wrote 'em all you was coming home. no, uh, nobody except you and my parents and, uh, you. oh, well, then how do you expect to get back in circulation? well, i'm... really not sure i want to get back in circulation. if you don't mind, i'd like to go upstairs and unpack. same room? same room.

well, he's certainly changed. yeah. the sparkle's all gone out of him. he's been hurt, and he's withdrawn from people, i guess. well, we'll get him back in the swim. hazel, please don't interfere. well, mr. b., you know i got this terrific understanding of psychology. hazel, kevin will resent any effort on your part to-- [phone ringing] oh, excuse me, mr. b. baxter residence. oh, hi, charlie. no, i don't think myrtle'll go out with you, either. well, you gotta face it, charlie. that bag of garlic around your neck is a social handicap. well, of course you can. just call anytime. and if i ain't here, just talk to mr. b. or anybody that answers the phone. [chuckles]

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yes. well, if you didn't wear that bag of garlic, maybe you-- charlie, that's superstition. well, maybe your grandmother was wrong. look, would you like to talk to hazel? she's right in the kitchen, and i could-- well, yes, charlie, i can understand your wanting to talk to a man once in a while but, uh, well-- charlie, my wife has something very important she wants me to do. yes, right away. all right. goodbye, charlie. ye gods, what has that woman gotten me into? forget about that, george. i'm worried about kevin. his door is closed. and when i spoke to him, he would hardly answer me. really? well, maybe the kid's very depressed. i'll go up. it's like charlie said on the phone-- sometimes a man wants a man to talk to. well, i don't think that's the answer, george. i think-- please, will you let me handle it? uncle george. yes? how're you doing, old buddy? fine.

not right now. well, i'll tell you what. uh, why don't you come down when you're ready? all right. it's probably the best cake i ever baked. and when it cools, i'm gonna frost it. we're going to have it tonight for dinner with vanilla ice cream. uh, how'd you do, george? i didn't get any farther than you did. what's the matter? well, it's kevin. he's still up in his room. are you kidding? is he sick? i don't think so. he just seems to want to stay up there. oh, i better go check on him. oh, now, hazel, we've both been up there. if he won't talk to us, he certainly won't talk to you. oh, but there's a difference, mr. b. you see, i got this terrific understanding of psychology. oh, brother. hazel, i honestly don't think it'll do any good. well, it won't do any harm, will it? no. well, then i'm gonna give it a try. that woman is incredible. did you ever see such ego? oh, it's not ego, george. she's concerned about kevin. dorothy, it's ego.

so she wants to go up there and show me up. well, i'll have the last laugh, because she'll be down those stairs in exactly two seconds. kevin? are you decent? kevin: yes. well. grabbing a little sack time, huh? yeah. yeah, something like that. [chuckles] reminds me of the summer you stayed here when you was a kid. oh, boy, the time i had getting you up in the morning. [laughs] [chuckles] yeah. yeah, i remember. you remember how i did it? uh-huh. kitchy-kitchy-kitchy, kitchy-kitchy-kitchy, kitchy-kitchy-kitchy, kitchy-kitchy-kitchy... oh, h-hazel, now, come on. now, i'm a grown man. kitchy-kitchy-kitchy... oh, you wouldn't. no, you wouldn't! hazel, stop! all right! all right! cut it out. stop it. you're darn tootin'. [laughs] well... come on. now, level with me.

oh, just thinking. oh, down in the dumps? yeah. yeah, i guess so. you shouldn't be, now you're back in your hometown. oh, big deal. oh, i see. her. well, kevin, you gotta start thinking about your future. you know, you gotta start making plans. what would you like to do? go back to school? no. no, i wanna get a job. oh. what do you wanna do? i don't care, as long as i make money. well, you might as well do something you enjoy. most jobs pay a living wage. hazel, i don't want to make a living wage. i want to make big money, and lots of it. after all, what else is there in this life? oh, for pete's sake, there's lots of things. there's love-- what, like my wife's? oh, no, not like her, the little snip. no, but there's your family and your friends. [scoffs] my "friends." oh, why do you say that? all them wonderful kids-- hazel, you know, when i first went overseas,

six months later, they wrote me sometimes. and a year later, my wonderful friends stopped writing. oh, for pete's sake, why? well, let's just put it in its kindest light and say that they were all struck down by a plague of writer's cramp. oh, no. hazel, you know, while i was overseas, the only letters that i could really count on were from my parents, my relatives, and you. your letters were wonderful. they were the only ones that really let me know what was going on in the old neighborhood. oh, well, i was glad to do it. but your friends are-- hazel, i don't want to talk about my friends. i don't want any part of them. well, it just doesn't make sense. no, it sure don't. kids that have been friends all through their lives don't turn on a pal when he's overseas. that's crazy. but if they stopped writing, i'm sure it was just a matter of getting caught up in their own lives-- uh, finding jobs, uh, getting married, having babies, and things like that.

say, i got an idea. why don't we get them all together. we can have a surprise party on friday night for kevin. say, that's a great idea. it certainly is. when kevin sees how they really feel about him, he'll be a changed person. there's just one problem, though. who were his friends? oh, for pete's sake, missy and me know 'em all. we can phone 'em tonight. bill kincaid, first of all. he was kevin's closest friend. sure. and herb talbot and al scott.

let's call jim barker. oh, jim barker went to camp with kevin. hello? jim? hazel burke over at the baxters. [laughs] oh, i'm terrific. how are you? oh, swell. say, have i got good news. guess who's back in town. kevin burkett. well, that ain't a very nice thing to say. goodbye to you.

as soon as i mentioned kevin's name, he said, "tell him to go jump in the lake." and then he said, "first, tell him to put rocks in his pocket." oh, for heaven's sake. something funny's going on here, missy. first, herb is as cold as a sardine's elbow, and then jim says to tell kevin to jump in the lake. now, let's not jump to conclusions, hazel. uh, call bill kincaid. now, he was kevin's closest friend. i know he'll want to come. well, you know, it's funny, ain't it? hello? hello, bill. hazel burke over at the baxters. [chuckles] oh, i'm terrific. how are you? well, i'm glad to hear it. say, friday night would you be free to go to a party? oh. terrific. uh, now, brace yourself. the baxters are giving a surprise party for kevin burkett. yeah, he's out of the army and back in town.

well, y-you just said you was free. but why wouldn't you want to see your oldest friend? well, he used to be your friend. bill, i gotta straighten this out. is it okay if i come over and see ya? okay, yeah. i'll be there in about 15 minutes. bye. what's going on? missy, i think i smell a rat, and the rat's that little snip that's trying to divorce kevin. she's poisoned everybody's mind against him. oh, thanks. [sighs] well, i guess you figured i'm here about kevin. yes. did you know his wife is gonna divorce him? yes, we know. we still see her every once in a while. well, you know. you've helped us out when we've had her over to parties. does she ever talk about him? oh, yes. many times. well, for pete's sake, do you just sit there and let that little snip run your friend down? she isn't a little snip, hazel.

kevin is no longer a friend of mine, not after the way he's behaved. why? what do you mean? his letters from overseas. oh, at first they were all right. he was the same old kevin. and then, well, he started asking about helen. well, what of it? she's his wife, ain't she? he wanted to know about the "other men" she was seeing. oh, no. of course, she wasn't seeing anyone. and i wrote him, and i tried to reassure him. didn't do any good. he wanted me to spy on her. oh, for pete's sake. i can't believe it. well, it wasn't just bill that got the letters. all of kevin's friends did. and they were getting worse and worse. finally, we just stopped writing him. it wasn't any use. we couldn't reason with him. and that's when he really started on helen. gee, i-- i-- i just can't believe it. hazel, one day i stopped by helen's just after she'd received one. why, she was almost hysterical, and told me to read it. it accused her of having a big fling

well, you remember the one. you helped me with the beef stroganoff. oh, helen was just sick, hazel. you see, she loved him very much. but he wouldn't believe it. no matter how many times she told him so in her letters, he wouldn't believe it. finally, she just couldn't take it anymore. well, uh... maybe i've been unfair. i just took kevin's part because... well... [chuckles] you know, he's-- he's one of the family. i know. and helen's from out of town, and i never really got to know her. i know. of course, we had her over to the house once in a while, and i used to see her around town. oh, gee... i feel kind of sick inside. oh, i hate to say it, but that's gin again. oh! oh, look at him. he's winning every hand. well, hazel always says, "lucky in cards, unlucky in love."

oh, that's all right. he didn't mean it. uh... hi, hazel. kevin, i'd like to have a little talk with you. yes, hazel? not here, in the den. oh, not now, hazel. we're playing cards. right now. hazel, i said no. and i said yes. i don't care if you fire me. now, march. what in the world? well, uh, hazel, you look very serious. well, i feel very serious. you know, the baxters and me were planning a surprise party for you, but the surprise was on us. none of your friends would come. well, that doesn't surprise me. well, i suppose not, but i wanted to know the reason. so tonight i went over to bill and gloria kincaid's. well? well, they told me. they told me why they stopped writing you overseas. you ought to be ashamed of yourself. why should i be ashamed?

where did you get them silly ideas about her? where did i get them? how can you ask me that? i got them from your letters. what?! every letter you wrote, you kept telling me about seeing helen at some party, or at the beach, or someplace. you always made such a big point about how much fun she was having. i was just trying to cheer you up. cheer me up? when a man is overseas, he doesn't want to hear that his wife and some fellow he's never heard of have just won a dance contest. oh, well, that was a private party. i was there, helping out. and then she was dancing the charleston with betty dorn's father. father? yeah, sure. huh? oh, wait a second. what about the--? you said you saw her at the bowling center and that she was entered in the mixed doubles. well, she did. w-with some fellow by the name of henry sharpe, and that they won and that she kissed him. sure, she kissed him on the cheek. you know henry. i do not. karen sharpe's brother. he's only 12. oh, no.

and the moonlight swim? that was a church picnic. there was over a hundred people there. i told you that in the letter. i don't remember that. it seems you only read what you want to read. you... you mean, i've been wrong about everything? she's never done anything out of line, as far as i know. oh, hazel. oh, this is awful. you see, i-- i loved her so much, and, well, i was-- i was so lonely, and my imagination would get to working. and, well, i just couldn't help it. i guess... i guess i loved her too much. oh, no, that ain't it. you just didn't love her enough. if you loved her, you would have trusted her. well, don't just sit there. go get mr. b.'s car.

and i'll make it up to you, helen. i don't know. i can't forget those letters. you'll forget. i'll make you forget. i'm the one who'll never forget them or ever stop being ashamed of them.

do you love me? i used to. i don't know. even a little? kevin, things can't be the way they were, not all at once. i just don't know-- oh, here you are. i thought i heard the car drive up. missy, mr. b., kevin's here with helen. oh, gee, it's terrific seeing you again, helen. come on in. uh, i just wanted you to see that i'd at least made a start. i'm glad. we all are. i got your bag all packed. oh, well, hazel, you see, we haven't-- i don't think we're ready to-- one of your shirts has a button off. i was gonna sew it on, but i figured-- you know how to sew on buttons, don't you, helen? oh, yes, but i-- terrific. why don't you two drop around for dinner sometime next week? hazel. hazel, too much has happened. we can't just take up where we left off. well, i-it's like mr. b.'s always saying to me-- "hazel, you got this terrific understanding

so what do you think a young couple ought to do if they break up?" so i says, "it all depends if they're in love or not. if they ain't, it's all off. but if they really love each other deep down in their hearts, then they just, uh, forgive and try again." that's what i said to mr. b. what do you think? let's go home. [laughs] thank you all. thank you all very much. george: keep in touch, kevin. thank you. goodbye, everybody. bye. good night. bye. george: bye. [laughing] aw. ain't that wonderful? do you really think it'll work out? oh, it'll work out if they work at it. remember, george? we had to. yeah. [phone ringing] baxter residence. oh, yeah. just a sec. it's for you, mr. b.

i'm all puddled up. hello? oh, hello, charlie. no, i'm afraid not. yes, i know it's an outdoor sport, but i don't play tennis anymore. well, i'm sorry you're lonely, charlie, but-- oh, that's a superstition. oh? really, charlie? well, i'll be darned. oh. well, i'll be talking to you real soon. goodbye. well, now, that's a curious thing. what is, mr. b.? well, what charlie just told me. he hasn't had a cold in 25 years. [ ]

[ ] yeah, he's still mad, rosie, and i don't blame him a bit. yeah, that's what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna tell him how sorry i am about last night. hazel, i want-- yeah-- oh, go ahead. finish your call. oh, no, mr. b., i'm finished. goodbye, rosie. i'm glad you came out. i wanted to talk to you about last night. and i want to talk about that, too. i want to tell you how sorry i am, you know, saying that to mr. yates. i didn't mean to embarrass you, mr. b., and it seems i did, so i want to apologize. all right, hazel, i accept your apology. oh, good. but this sort of thing has happened too many times in the past, and i don't want it to happen again. but i was just trying to help mr. yates out. i didn't mean to cause him no trouble. i know you didn't mean to cause trouble, hazel, and we're not gonna have any more trouble like this

from butting into things that don't concern you. oh, come on, mr. b. you make it sound as if i go around butting into all kinds of stuff. i don't do that. well, now, let me see if i can give you a few examples. uh, like last month when that friend of yours sprained his ankle getting out of the bus, and he decided to sue the bus company. you told him i'd be very glad to represent him. well, i was just trying to help out an old friend. hmm, well, when the bus company heard about it, they were quite surprised, since my firm is retained to represent the bus company. well, i didn't know that. of course you didn't know it, hazel. but the point is, it was none of your business, just like it was none of your business to get into that argument i had with the power company. oh, those guys. you never should have paid that bill. you didn't hold off long enough. so you took it upon yourself to hold back the check i gave you to mail. remember what happened? oh... yeah. oh, well, having dinner by candlelight wasn't so bad. missy loved it.

we do? we do. starting right now, we're all going to mind our own business, and only our own business. now, i'm not going to butt in on your cooking or your housekeeping, and you're going to stay strictly out of my affairs and the affairs of my friends. okay? okay, mr. b. whatever you say goes. you're the boss. good. now, i think things are going to work out just fine. oh, hazel, have you seen my car keys anywhere this morning? i left them somewhere last night, and i can't remember where. my department is cooking and housekeeping. big things, like keeping track of keys, is your department. it seems like instead of being helpful around here, the way i thought i was, i'm just a big buttinsky. george didn't mean it to sound that way, hazel. now, don't worry about it.

all i have to do is stick to our agreement. he tends to his business, and i tend to mine. oh, hazel, you're taking this whole thing too seriously. well, when i make a bargain, i always take it serious. all i gotta tend to is the cooking and the housework. well, that gives me quite a problem, hazel. i was going to ask you to do something that's not really your department. it's george's job, usually. well, then don't ask me to touch it. oh, please, hazel, please, just this once? zip me up? well, all right, seeing as it's you. but don't you tell mr. b. i did it. right there on the bottom line, mr. griffin. oh. all right. that does it. good. i think you've covered everything, baxter. you always do. [chuckles] oh. [chuckles] well, i've been at this a long time. i may have some more contracts for you to draw up soon, if i go ahead with a deal i'm looking into. oh? what sort of a deal? i may go into the market with a new invention a fellow brought me--

a disposable skillet? it's made out of a heavy metallic paper. you can cooknything in it, from pork chops to fried fish, then throw it away. well, that, uh... that sounds pretty interesting. say, tell hazel about this idea and see if she thinks they'll sell. oh, well, hazel? well, she's no expert. she is when it comes to housekeeping. well, yes, she's a good housekeeper. and a very smart woman, solid, dependable, full of good old-fashioned common sense. she reminds me of my mother. yes, so you've told me. hazel always brings me luck. if she likes an idea, i know it's a good one. she's never given me a bum steer yet. so tell her about this skillet idea and see what she thinks. all right, mr. griffin, i'll-- i'll ask her. that's what makes you so valuable to me, baxter. for the price i pay you for your services, i get the benefit of hazel's advice absolutely free.

oh... hello, hazel. oh, hi, mr. b. something wrong with the hors d'oeuvres? no, no, they're just fine. that is, i haven't had a chance to taste them yet, but they're always great. excuse me. uh, uh, hazel, uh, i'd like to talk to you about our conversation this morning. oh, you mean, about agreeing not to butt into each other's business? uh, yes. uh, i was, uh-- excuse me. uh, hazel, uh... [chuckles] i'm afraid you misunderstood my feelings this morning. i, uh-- well, i don't think i explained myself very well. oh, no... excuse me, mr. b. you made yourself very plain. that's the nice thing about being a lawyer.

[chuckles] actually, i don't think i did a very good job. excuse me. i gotta check the roast. h-hazel, hazel, will you please just stop things for a minute and listen to me? oh, sure. go right ahead. look, i-- i may have sounded a little harsh this morning, but i didn't mean it. oh, i didn't notice. i don't want you to think we don't value your opinions on anything, because we do. there are some things on which your advice is very welcome. oh, good for me. things that you know much more about than i do or even mr. griffin. mr. griffin? yes, yes. as a matter of fact, there's something he wants me to get your opinion on today. it's a new idea he may invest in, a disposable skillet. skillet? yes. it's made out of heavy metallic paper. there's no messy cleaning up to do. you just use it and throw it away. he wants to know what you think about the general idea and, uh... oh, what a shame. [clucks tongue]

you'll tell him just how it is. just how what is? about the new rule you made today and how i promised to keep it-- not to poke my nose into yours or your friends' business, either. but, hazel, i'm asking you to-- one thing you know about me, mr. b.: when i make a promise, i keep it. dinner will be ready in 40 minutes. so that's the way it stands now. mr. b.'s got himself over a barrel, and he don't know how to get off. well, it's his own fault. he started it, didn't he? oh, well, he's got a point. i guess i do sometimes talk too much. oh, yeah, i've noticed that. yeah, and i guess i do have a tendency to butt in. oh, yeah, there's no doubt about that. what do you mean, there's no doubt about that? well, i-- well, you're the one that said it. i was just agreeing with you.

well, i figure mr. b.'s suffered long enough, and i'm gonna get him off the hook just before he goes to the office this morning. oh, hazel, you're so loyal. besides, he'll be so grateful when i let him off. [door closes] there he is. whoo-hoo! mr. b., just a minute! yes, hazel? you was asking my advice last night for mr. griffin. i know, hazel, when you make a promise, you never break it. you told me that. you mean, you're still sore about it? i'm not sore. i'm just not going to give you the pleasure of turning me down again, that's all. but, mr. b.... i'm going to have the market research people run a survey on it for me. now, forget it. well... for pete's sake, how do you like that? i told you to let him stew. i sure will. i'm beginning to stew myself a little. [lounge music plays]

where's madame farina? i told her you were waiting. oh. there she is now. oh. ah, mr. griffin. hello, madame farina. it is nice to see my favorite customer again. how's business? i'm sorry you ask. in the words of the immortal juan ramon salazar, king of the gypsies, business stinks. oh, i'm sorry to hear that. for you i see in the cards big things, mr. griffin. you are about to make an important financial move. is it not so? that's right. uh, could you tell that just by glancing at the cards? in the hands of madame farina, the cards tell all. now, wait a minute. i make a lot of business deals. that's no secret. uh... [clears throat] which, uh, important financial move do you see in the cards there? you're just trying to trick me, mr. griffin. you know very well which deal i mean, the one you are thinking of right now. the skillet invention? well, i'll be darned. why, that's amazing.

all right, go ahead. read 'em. i'm a hardheaded businessman, you know. i don't believe in this stuff, but it is fun. oh, i, uh... i didn't hurt your feelings, did i? if you will cross my palm with money, my feelings will never hurt. ah. there you are. now... go ahead. what do you see? i see more about this big money deal you are going into. oh, i haven't gone into it yet. i'm-- of course not. i see by this card and this that opposing forces are working on your mind. you are thinking, but you have not yet decided. right. that's absolutely right. i'm not sure yet whether to put money into it or not. ah! the queen. a woman. woman? you mean i should ask a woman about it? a woman must tell you what to do.

how about that? i knew it. i just had a feeling. this woman is very wise, my friend. if she does not like the deal, poof, out. but if she say put in your money, you will be rich. oh, that's great news, madame farina. terrific! so be here tomorrow at the same time... yeah. and i will find this woman and introduce you to her for ten percent of the gross. so find her-- find her? why, i've known hazel for years. i'm going over to her boss's office right now. thanks again. [laughing] [american accent] darn it.

guy: hey, sara. oh my gosh. he's so cute. how do you know him? c'mon donovan, do it like i taught ya.

let's go! dude. what? dude, that's sara. who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about. oh, that's sara. theater two on your left. hey sara, what color underwear today? hey sara. so, when you gonna post something new? announcer: anything you post online, anyone can see. family, friends... see ya later, sara. even not-so-friendly people. you're late for work. you grab your 10-gallon jug of coffee, and back out of the garage. right into your wife's car. with your wife watching. she forgives you... eventually. your insurance company, not so much.

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well, she was just meddling in my affairs, and i told her to mind her own business. mm-hmm. fortunately, though, getting her advice isn't important anyway. now, what do you mean, it's not important? it's darned important. i can't make a move on those disposable skillets until i get it. well, it didn't seem to matter that much yesterday. well, things have changed since yesterday. before i came here, i was having lunch, and that's when i got-- uh, that's when i got the, uh, inspiration. something told me not to decide without hazel's advice. i have got to have it. call hazel again. mr. griffin, i'll just get another turndown. she gave me another one again this morning. all right. so it's up to me. uh, hello. uh, get me hazel burke. i should have done this in the first place. [phone rings] baxter residence. hello, hazel. this is harvey. harvey griffin. how do you feel today?

why, sure. i always like to know how my friends are feeling. and we are friends, aren't we, hazel? we've always gotten along fine, haven't we? you bet we have. and if there was, uh, something i wanted to know real bad, you'd tell me right off the bat, wouldn't you? if it's about them disposable skillets, i can't help you a bit. because we have-- what do you mean, you can't help me? sorry, mr. griffin. bye. well, you've really got things fouled up this time. you got hazel so mad, she wouldn't even help an easygoing, good-natured man like me. like you? you heard me. i'm such a soft-hearted slob, that nobody gives a hoot about what i want, and that includes you, my fine-feathered attorney.

i didn't think mr. griffin would be so unreasonable. oh, i know he blusters a lot, but i always thought he had a heart of gold. he also has a head of solid iron. there's only one thing to do, george-- persuade hazel to help you. you mean, beg her to give in? well, yes. honey, if i went to hazel, crawling on my hands and knees, which i have no intention of doing, she'd still turn me down. even if you told her you'll lose mr. griffin's account? she'd only dig her heels in harder. i'd be humbling myself for nothing. you make it sound like a hopeless situation. that's exactly what it is. i am caught between the two most stubborn people in the world-- harvey griffin and hazel. well, i sure don't wanna lose mr. b. any more work, rosie. you know, i could hardly sleep last night, thinking about them skillets.

i got my pride. so i'm gonna have a little talk with missy that maybe will solve the whole thing. you probably think i'm being awful pigheaded, right, missy? oh, i'm just an innocent bystander, hazel. it's between you and george. just the same, if you was me, i bet you'd stick to your guns, too. after all, a bargain is a bargain. if that's your point of view, i won't try to change it. oh, i can change it. i agreed not to mess in mr. b.'s affairs, and he agreed not to mess in mine. yes, i know. and as long as he keeps his bargain, i gotta keep mine. well, what if george did try to interfere in your business? oh, if he did that, the bargain would be off, all bets would be off, and i could mess in his affairs just as much as i please. that's only fair, ain't it, missy? it certainly is. but he'd never do that, never in a million years. oh, you never can tell, hazel. he might.

well, i guess i better clean the upstairs now. she said she was keeping her part of the bargain because i was keeping mine? that's right, darling. and that if i butted into her business, she'd feel free to do the same to me? exactly. so i thought-- hold it, hold it. i've got a great idea. i'll go in the kitchen and really butt in, deliberately break what she calls a bargain and trick her into giving me the advice that mr. griffin wants. now, how is that for thinking? we don't stand a chance with you men. just remember that. now, i'm going out and take care of miss burke. hi, dad. hello there, son. and good evening to you, hazel. hi, mr. b. you want something? oh, i just came in to see what we were going to have for dinner. oh, it's gonna be a swell dinner, dad. we're having lamb chops, peas, potatoes, a mixed-up salad, and ice cream. uh, thank you, son, but i was speaking to hazel.

hazel's the one that's cooking it, so she knows we're having lamb chops, peas, potatoes... never mind. and ice cream. son, uh, don't you have something to do upstairs? no. would you please find something to do? in case you didn't hear, we're having lamb chops, peas, and baked potatoes-- i know, hazel, but i wouldn't call it a very inspired menu. what do you mean, inspired? well, it's rather plain, isn't it? why don't we ever have kidneys saut\ed in wine, or truffles? oh. i didn't know you liked that fancy stuff. what you really mean is, you don't know how to cook it. well, now that you're getting to be such a gourmet, maybe i could learn. hazel, wait a minute. uh, shouldn't you tear the lettuce into smaller pieces? it's just the size i always tear 'em. you always managed to get your mouth around them before. they're much too large. hazel, salad is for people, not rabbits. oh! hazel, hazel, these peas need a lot more water.

oh, well, i ain't ever burned one yet. well, today could be the day. and they're not cooking fast enough. now, i'd like my dinner before bedtime. all right. there. now... you satisfied? quite. you should pay more attention to what you're doing. uh, for instance, you ought to turn these chops now. mr. b., that does it. does what? i've been very patient about you coming out here and picking on my cooking, but you gone far enough. the deal's off. deal? yeah. you come out here, butting into my business, and that gives me the right to butt into yours and your friends', too. well, hazel, i didn't-- you wouldn't listen to me this morning when i tried to give you advice about mr. griffin's skillets. well, you're gonna listen now. well, i-- i guess i did break the bargain. break it? you fractured it. now, listen to this. good cooks and housekeepers like me wouldn't give skillets like that house-room.

because we got our favorites that we like to use, and we wouldn't exchange 'em for none of those throwaways that you have to go down to the store and haul home every time you want to fry an egg. but, hazel, you don't have to wash them. that's the big thing. you don't wash skillets, either, mr. smarty. you just wipe 'em out so they'll keep mellow and not scratchy. uh, and you don't think mr. griffin should make this investment? i certainly would not. he's just gonna throw his money away on those skillets, and you can tell him that for me. hazel, come with me. well, if i were you, mr. griffin, i'd save my money to buy something that makes more sense. sure. mr. b. knows that i'm calling you. he kind of pushed me into it. mm-hmm. you're welcome. well, goodbye. i gotta get back to my dinner. oh, uh, hazel. [chuckles] uh, just a minute. now, i don't like to gloat, but i think you should know

george, you shouldn't tell her. why not? hazel is convinced she can outsmart anybody. well, this time i outsmarted her, and i don't see why i shouldn't bring it to her attention. you outsmarted me, mr. b.? completely. hazel... [chuckles] that was just an act i put on in the kitchen. i did it so you'd come through with that information for mr. griffin. and, believe me, you took the bait, and not only the bait but the hook, line and sinker. [laughs] well, for pete's sake. [laughs] you sure put one over on me. that i did. and it isn't nice to rub it in, george. oh, that's all right. when anyone's so dumb, they deserve to have it rubbed in. is it okay if i make another phone call, mr. b.? oh, of course. go right ahead. well, when anyone pulls anything as smart as that, they've got a right to brag a little. [chuckles] hi, rosie. i just wanted to tell ya it worked like a charm.

yeah, see you soon. dinner will be ready in a half hour, mr. b. no, no, hazel, uh, just a minute. uh, what was that that worked like a charm? oh, our bargain is off, so it's okay if i give you a little advice, right, mr. b.? well, yes, of course. well, you're so happy now. my advice to you is: don't ask what worked. could she have...? [chuckling] oh, no... i outsmarted her. or did i? of course you did, darling. you're a man. [laughing]