dennis. dennis. hello, margaret. hello, mrs. mitchell. is dennis home? well, he must be over at tommy's. they were out here playing a minute ago. we were playing house a little while ago, but dennis deserted me and all the babies. all those mouths to feed. how are they? they're all teething. oh. well, bye, mrs. mitchell. goodbye, margaret.

yeah, dumb old margaret. oh, she's okay. she can't help it if she's a girl. can i use your bathroom? sure. come on. hey, mom. i'm home. so i hear. hello, tommy. he's polite, mom. he's just in a hurry. okay. do you know who was just here? sure. it was margaret. but i was hiding in the bushes. mrs. mitchell: why were you doing that? 'cause girls are no fun. they can't play catch 'cause they can't throw. you can't hit 'em because they're a girl. first thing you know, you end up playing house. true, true. no tv for you tonight. [phone ringing] i'll get it. i'm not complaining. i became interested in playing house when you stopped--

--making mud pies and began making apple pies. guess what we've got out there on the phone, a long-distance call for you. long distance? hello. daddy. grandpa? how are you? where are you calling from? i'm at home. but if you can put me up for a few days, i'll come for a visit. of course, we can put you up. grandpa's coming to see us. great. yeah. when? when are you coming, daddy? i thought i could start early tomorrow morning, should be there by noon. i can hardly wait to see dennis. oh, he's anxious to see you too. hurry, honey. it's long distance. oh, daddy. this is long distance, and you don't wanna run up a big bill, so--hmm? oh, all right. he wants to talk to you. oh. hello, dad. how are you? good. been working on any new inventions? no fooling.

really? what's a carburetor? dear, it's long distance. oh. well, it's good talking to you, dad. we'll see you tomorrow. yeah. oh, sure. just a second. he wants to say hello to dennis. hi, grandpa. what's a carburetor? oh. what's combustion mean? oh, sure, i know what burning means. that's what mom did to dad's new shirt yesterday when she was ironing. alice. i'm sorry. it happened when i was trying to get dennis' foot out of your ukulele. what's his foot doing in my-- never mind. i don't wanna know. hey, grandpa, do you still have all that hair in your ears? dennis. when you get down here, can we show joey? i told him about it but he wouldn't believe me. dennis, this is long distance. should i talk louder? no, shorter. do you still snore? dennis. what's your favorite tv show? mine too. it was swell last night, all about that mysterious stranger. dennis, hurry up. hey, grandpa, you wanna hurry up

please. daddy, if we don't stop talking, you won't be able to afford the trip so-- wait a minute. i wanna make one more point. this trip, i don't want you to do any of your matchmaking. oh, no? well, how about that widow you brought around? what was her name? mrs. elkins. she about drove me crazy. well, i'll admit she was an unfortunate choice. all right, daddy, i promise. no more matchmaking. goodbye. see you tomorrow. well, i've got just about a million things to do to get ready. what can i do? let's see. you will be a big help if you'd clean the front walk. okay. hey, look, tommy, here comes a mysterious stranger. [music] that's just mr. dorfman, the mailman. can't you pretend? sure i can pretend.

a mysterious stranger. that's right. and he's wearing a mr. dorfman's disguise. mr. dorfman: good morning, boys. good morning. good morning, mysterious stranger. oh, i'm mysterious all right. good old mr. dorfman wants to play the game with us. what do we do now? don't you watch tv? when a mysterious stranger comes along, you follow him. [music] are you boys trying to play some kind of trick on me?

are you okay, mr. dorfman? do you know what happened? you tripped over my wagon. i know i tripped over your wagon. it's because you were walking backwards and couldn't see where you were going. i know that. come on, tommy. let's help good old mr. dorfman up. okay. did you decide not to get up? i can't get up. you're standing on my mail sack. excuse me, mr. dorfman. look, fellas, boys, i'm not a mysterious stranger. do you understand? sure, mr. dorfman. guess he doesn't wanna play our mysterious-stranger game. sure he does. what can we play now, mr. dorfman, huh? shh. i'm hiding from miss cathcart. why are you hiding from miss cathcart? if you were a bachelor my age, you'd understand.

yeah. but you're not my age. i see you, mr. dorfman. did miss cathcart win the game, mr. dorfman? not yet, not yet. why, mr. dorfman, anybody would think you were hiding. i wasn't really, miss cathcart. then why did you tell us that you were-- shh. now, you come back in the house. i have a cup of tea waiting. yeah, but, miss cathcart, i have to deliver the mail. oh, a cup of tea will only take a minute. i'll sing a nice rousing song to speed you on your way. she has a swell voice, mr. dorfman. this morning, g for the milkma, he speeded up so much that he was practically running when he left her place. [music] oh. oh, dad, it's so good to see you again. i'll say, i've been up waiting since pretty early.

yes. you know why i was up so early? why? because i was worrying about a question i wanna ask you. can i ask it? sure. did you bring me anything? dennis. what's the matter? young man, you're talking out of turn. whose turn is it? dennis, if grandpa has brought you anything, he'll tell you about it. well, i guess it's your turn. you bet it is, and i did bring you something. it is in my suitcase. swell. why don't me and you go up and unpack? good idea. i'll carry it up for you. [music] thank you very much. you know what i learned to do last week? what? when i'm pouring milk into my glass, i learned when to stop. you know, henry, father is so young and vital. don't you think he should remarry?

but i could introduce him to someone nice. like mrs. elkins? she made his last visit miserable. i guess this is just about the swellest present anybody ever gave me. say, why don't me and you walk around the block and show it to everybody? i'm a bit tired after my trip. i'd like to take a nap first. you know, dennis, you slow down a little when you reach my age. would you like to be speeded up? i sure would. i know somebody that can do it. she sings to people. well, dennis, if it's a friend of yours, i'd like to meet her. i bet she'd like to meet you too. [music]

oh, i was expecting the laundryman. so, dennis, how are you today? fine. i brought you my shell to listen to. i'll listen to it for just a minute. i'm pretty busy vocalizing. oh, that's the sea, isn't it? well, that's nice. dennis: my grandpa brought it to me. oh, is he visiting you? he sure is. well, is your grandmother with him? he doesn't have one. why don't you come in and have a cookie while we have a little chat? okay. will you let me see you spin? spin? sure. i heard my dad say you're a spinster.

hello, margaret. hello, mrs. mitchell. is dennis home? no, i'm sorry, he isn't. the trouble with playing house alone is that there's no husband. i know. the only time dennis will play house with me is if he gets to be a cowboy that never comes home. is his grandfather here yet? yes, he is. he just came down from his nap. gee, has dennis been telling me some stories about him. can i meet him? of course, you can. come in. wait. i'll get my dolls. daddy, i'd like you to meet a very nice young lady. oh, alice. you promised no matchmaking. oh, daddy, this is margaret wade, a friend of dennis'. how do you do, margaret? i'm always glad to meet any friend of dennis'. so are we friends?

and are you gonna introduce your friend to your grandfather? sure. are you gonna sing for him? well, of course, i am. now why don't you go over and get him right away. i'll just take a cookie with me in case i meet some poor kid that's hungry, okay, miss cathcart? i enjoyed meeting you and your babies, margaret. will you come back to see me some time? i will if my babies are well. have they been sick? it's been just awful. yesterday, they were all teething, and today, they've all got the croup. oh. what are you doing for them? i rub their chests with liniment. smell. you sure did. well, bye. bye. hi, grandpa. you up from your nap? i sure am. i've been waiting for you. say, you missed a friend of yours, little margaret. i know.

that's why i came in the back way. hey, grandpa, you wanna meet another friend of mine? the one that sings? i sure do. wait. i'll get my jacket. i'm looking forward to it. so is she, boy. she's even gonna change her dress. aren't you afraid your friend will wanna play house with you? heck, no, not this one. she just sings and gives me cookies. oh, what a surprise. this is my grandpa. how do you do? i'm charlie perkins. i'm so glad to meet you. i'm esther cathcart. won't you come in? thank you. there. well, you have a very nice place here. well, it's my little nest and i try to make it cozy. any special place you want me to sit? oh, well, perhaps you'd like to go out

no, i think i'd rather stay with my grandpa. well, wouldn't you like to sit over there? no. i think i'd rather sit on my grandpa. why don't we have some refreshment while we chat? swell. for you, i have a piece of candy. i thought your friend lived here. she does. good boy, good boy. thank you. you're welcome. it's elderberry wine. thank you. i made it myself. it's delicious. oh, i'm so glad you like it. of course, i suppose i really should give credit to my mother.

that a girl's place was in the home, making her husband happy. she prepared me very carefully for marriage. that's nice. oh, i'm looking forward to meeting dennis' little friend. what little friend? the little girl. your daughter. well, i have no daughter, and i'm not married. but who sings? she does and she's gonna do it for you. that is if you'd like to hear me. oh, yes, of course. my first selection will be "love's old sweet song."

isn't she swell? softly come and go esther cathcart: though the heart be weary sad the day and long still to us at twilight comes love's old song comes love's old sweet song hours of it, henry. two whole hours. she's not a singer. she's an air raid siren. it must have been murder. well, dennis was at least an accomplice. boy, what he got me into. with such good intentions, i don't know how

well, i didn't wanna hurt his feelings about good old miss cathcart, so as far as he knows i enjoyed myself. well, it's over now, and alice isn't gonna do any matchmaking so you can just relax

[music] hey, mrs. elkins, wait a minute. i wanna show you something. hello, dennis. how are you? swell. i've been riding around the neighborhood letting people listen to my shell. well, that was very nice of you. i know it. i even let a dog that was a total stranger listen to it. good. you wanna listen? well, of course, i do. oh, it's the ocean, isn't it? did you get any in your ear? of course not. where did you get this shell? from my grandpa. oh. he sent it to you?

he's here? sure. i got him right in my house. oh, i wish i had him in mine. but daddy, just because dennis saw mrs. elkins out front doesn't mean she's going to bother you. i hope not. she's an intelligent woman, dad. she knows if you were interested, you'd be in touch with her. [phone ringing] i'll get it. hello? sure. just a minute. hey, grandpa, guess what we've got out there on the phone, good old mrs. elkins for you. too intelligent, huh? oh, don't blame me if you have an irresistible personality. very funny. daddy, maybe she just wants to say hello. if that's all she wants to say, she's a changed woman.

oh, hello, mrs. elkins. oh, i--i expect i'm just not much of a letter writer. you write swell letters to us. shh. oh, what's that? no, i'm afraid i can't make it tonight, mrs. elkins. oh, no, it's not that. you're a fine cook. she's on the prowl again. oh, she is not. well, she asked him for dinner. what if she does? it's probably just because she's very polite and wants to be nice to somebody from out of town. i'm afraid i'm gonna be busy for dinner tomorrow night, too, mrs. elkins. polite, huh? polite like a bulldozer. i expect i'll be pretty well tied up for the rest of my visit. if she's made some cookies, i could come. shh. oh, pardon me? well, as a matter of fact, there is someone else. i spent most of the afternoon at her house.

dennis introduced me, and she made an immediate impression. i never met anyone quite like her. thank you very much, mrs. elkins. i wish only the best for you too. goodbye, mrs. elkins. hey, miss cathcart. guess what grandpa said about you. [music] he never met anybody quite like me, you say? that's what he said. and everybody said i was wasting my time taking those singing lessons. i'm home, and look who i've got with me, good old miss cathcart.

dennis, don't shout. hello, miss cathcart. hello, mrs. mitchell. where's grandpa? i thought he was in here. henry, is daddy upstairs? i haven't seen him. hello, miss cathcart. hello, mr. mitchell. well, if you don't mind, i'll just sit and wait. margaret: dennis. oh, dennis. oh, no. margaret: dennis. grandpa, what are you doing in here? shh. [music]

hi, mom. hi, dad. dennis, how many times have i told you not to slam-- are those the clean overalls mrs. mitchell: i put on you this morning? i put them on, mom. all you did was hand them to me. never mind that. how did it get that way? on account that mr. wilson's got a dirty tree. ask her. oh, yeah. is it 10:00 yet? just about. oh, boy. wait a minute, fellas. i've got a lot of figuring to do. gee whiz, dad. this is the day captain blast is gonna land on mars. and the mars guys got a real mean king

all right. keep the sound low. tommy, did you just sit in some mud? yeah, mrs. mitchell. but it's okay. i just now washed it off with the hose. hey, lieutenant peep, can you think of a way out of our dilem? i'm getting his thought waves. why, that's a wonderful idea, lieutenant. boys and girls, lieutenant peep has a wonderful idea and we'll tell you all about it captain blast: right after this word from our sponsor. [music] oh, i'm sorry, dear. i'll wait till captain blast

no, that's all right, martha. do you know what that middle-aged nincompoop is telling the poor kids today? well, if he annoys you so, why do you watch him every saturday? because he's so scientifically inaccurate he fascinates me. he's got those children believing that his partner, a monkey, came all the way from venus. he ought to be horsewhipped. i tell you, martha, if i-- now, now, george, it's only fantasy. after all, the fairy stories we learned as children didn't hurt us any. yeah. well, if i could find the legal grounds, i'd sue that fathead. martha: oh, george-- hmm? a mr. sandy loomis called. i think he's president of the optical company where you bought your new telescope. president? nothing. he's just an eager beaver clerk. oh, what did he have to say? he said he's bringing over the new telescope today. that's just great. i thought you'd be pleased. are you through watching your program? forever. captain blast: and that come the corner

and now, boys and girls, here is lieutenant peep's plan. i'll tell the martians that i have a huge private army down on the eart. now, of course, the martians won't believe this, captain blast: so we'll have to do something to prove it to them. and here's where you come in. okay. what should we do? at 7:30 tonight, and every night this week, right after the sun goes down, i want every blast cadet to fire his terrestrial tracer gun up into the air. twenty-five. three. carry the two. remember, the little hand will be on seven and the big hand will be on six. captain blast: remember, the little hand on seven and the big hand on six. eighteen. fourteen. big hand on six. captain blast: when the martians

and see all these terrestrial tracer bullets being shot up into the air, they'll be frightened at the size of my army. so don't let me down. we won't. boy, that lieutenant peep sure is smart. and, remember, if you're the winner, lieutenant peep and i will come right down to your house. shh. i think the martians are coming back. now, don't forget: shoot those guns tonight. we won't forget. we won't forget. [music] well, let me look. it's my telescope. simply checking the adjustments, mr. wilson. after all, this is a-- and not a spyglass. i know what it is, mr. loomis. i picked it out and paid for it. if you recall, i traded a smaller telescope in

entirely new to the field. you should see the beautiful penumbra on this sunspot. well, let me see. it's hard to believe that a penumbra could has such majesty. well, let me look. mr. wilson, you're jiggling the-- wait until tonight. wait until tonight when the entire universe is in blossom. oh, how i envy you. you might even be the very first to see our new satellite. my golly, i might at that. has there been any word? well, canaveral thinks it's in orbit and-- say, why don't i come over tonight and i'll-- oh, no, thanks, loomis. i can handle it myself, thanks and goodbye. well, i hate to leave her here. well, maybe you can come over and visit her someday. bye. thank you. [music]

[music] you wanna see a couple of real swell balloons,

oh. go away, dennis. they give 'em to you when your mom buys you shoes. well, that's swell. what are you lookin' through that big pipe for? i was shooting the sun. gee. where do they put the bullets? dennis. this is a telescope. it's a very expensive telescope. it's a delicate instrument, so i don't want you anywhere near it ever. jeepers, o. hey, can you see up to mars on that telescope, mr. wilson? yes. goodbye, boys. we got a friend that's up there. fine. i'll give him your regards. wait a minute, what friend? his name is captain blast and-- lieutenant peep. he's a venus guy. why, they're up there right now. lieutenant peep is not a venus guy. he's just a plain, ordinary, everyday, run-of-the-mill monkey. oh, you're wrong, mr. wilson. all of the venus guys

sure, they do, mr. wilson. all right, boys. you're about to get your first real science lesson. this is a refracting telescope, and in it, there's a dark filter so we can look at the sun. gee, can we look? no. well, all right. but be careful. don't let go of the balloon, mr. wilson. on account that i don't think tommy's gonna get any shoes for a long time. well, how can you worry about a stupid balloon when you're about to look into a real telescope? it's real easy. all right, get up there. that's it. put your eye right there. oh, wait a minute. is your eye clean? sure. i ran through your sprinklers a little while ago. oh. dennis: gee. impressive, isn't it? boy, i'll say. that's the first time i ever saw a round screen. round screen. all right. that's--all right, dennis. let tommy have a look.

here, take this balloon too. that's it. now put your eye-- that's it. well, do you see it? yeah. how come it isn't doing anything? that's the sun, boys, the real sun. it gives us light. it makes the plants grow, the grass, the flowers, and not one of its life-giving rays is wasted. then how come it shines on the sidewalk? we will now take a look at the moon. get down, tommy. [music] is it 7:30 yet, dad? just about. oh, boy. [music] why is 7:30 suddenly so important? he is making mars safe for captain blast by shooting bullets into the air. bullets? ping pong balls, dear, special ones that glow in the dark. oh. oh, she'll reach almost as far out into space as some of the big telescopes, martha.

the new satellite. wait till you see the moon through this little beauty. you look at the moon, dear, and describe it to me. [music] kapow. martha, i saw it. saw what, dear? i saw the missing satellite. it passed in the west-to-east orbit. oh, check those readings. here, mm-hmm. time, 7:31. orbit, west to east. oh, call the papers. martha: where are you going, dear? to call the papers. [music] oh, oh, mitchell. mitchell. mitchell. good morning, mr. wilson. you're up bright and early. i've been down to the corner to pick up a few extra copies of the paper.

a little write-up about me. yes, i read it. it's wonderful. all it says is that i happened to sight that missing satellite on my new telescope last-- oh, you read it? oh, breakfast. congratulations. oh. oh, did you read it in the press telegraph or the news? the news. oh, the press telegraph handled it much better. i'll read what it says. mr. wilson, could we do that later? i'm quite late. oh, oh, i'll tell you what. see, i've got it folded to the right place. you can read it at stop signals. oh. thank you. oh, say, mitchell, some of the boys from the press are coming over tonight on the chance that i might sight it again. now, you're more than welcome to attend. i might do that. what time? right after sunset. that's the time to spot satellites, you know? i see. oh, say, are you sure you don't want an extra copy for the boys at the office? ah, thank you. we'll share this one. all right, mitchell. i'll see you tonight. bye.

well, i guess it's about that time. she's all in position, ready to go. shall we see what we shall see, gentlemen? is it 7:30 yet, mom? yes, dear. hey, where's my gun? right where it belongs. no, it isn't. look. gee whiz, mom. captain blast is liable to get killed. try looking in the living room. [music] i'm afraid we'll have to be going, mr. wilson. oh, no, please. be patient for just a minute. sit right down there. look through here. i know it'll come. kapow. wait a minute. i'm sure i saw something, fred. it crossed from west to east, a sort of a light. i know. so did i. you did? i did.

pow. there it goes again. pow. pow. dennis. i'm afraid so, mr. wilson. you see, every night at 7:30, he helps captain blast out. dennis: pow. what's that, mr. mitchell? well, it seems that this tv fellow, captain blast, is in a little trouble up on mars-- dennis: pow. so all of his fans shoot phosphorescent bullets into the air to help him out. oh, no. here's your mail, honey. oh, thank you, dear. henry, dennis won. won what? the contest that captain blast is coming over here this afternoon. dennis will be so thrilled. i'll have to go tell him. oh my goodness. what's the matter?

"thanks to the scientific investigation "of one george wilson of this city, "the mystery of the missing satellite is now cleared up. it emanates every night from a little boy's pop gun." there's more but i haven't the heart to read it. let me see. [music] now people have been laughing at me all day. i never wanna see another heavenly body as long as i live. from now on, the sun is nothing but a hot rock. as far as that miserable moon is concerned-- he's hysterical. i am not hysterical. i just wanna get rid of that blasted telescope, so take it back to your store and sell it for whatever you can get. i just can't bring myself to dismantle her. you take a delicate instrument like this and you put it in crates. why-- just take it back. if you can't sell it, then throw it away. please reconsider, mr. wilson. after all, this is an age of discovery. oh. our satellites have gone beyond the sun. soon, we'll know what's on the other side of the moon.

from one of the moons of saturn. morse code, no doubt. oh, really. the signal--look, a man from space. really, loomis, you'll do anything to sell a telescope, won't you? how can i arrange something like this? who do we call? the coast guard? oh, we don't call anybody. the little one's a monkey and the big one's captain blast. captain blast? [music] [doorbell] gee. dennis mitchell? gee. lieutenant peep. gee. gee.

that captain blast is just as middle-aged as i am. i'm going to take him by the throat and make him admit to dennis that he's a fraud. please, george. he's a hero to dennis and all the children. you'll break dennis' heart. well, maybe. dennis may not like it right now, but when he's 30, he'll thank me. [music] oh, hello, mr. wilson. come on in. dennis won a visit from that tv man, captain blast, and he's in the living room now telling the children stories. they're absolutely spellbound. that's what i came over for. you see-- well, you just go right on in. you'll find him fascinating. i'm making some lemonade for later on. [music] now, after the venus people found out that i meant them no harm, they invited me to a banquet in one of their tree castles.

no, sir. this is mr. wilson. he got his picture in the paper and everything. wonderful. come sit down, mr. wilson. join us. you know, it isn't often that we get to visit with a real celebrity like you, is it, lieutenant? then what happened, captain blast? well, while i was enjoying the banquet, my good friend, the professor was exploring the famous caves of titan. gee, where's that, captain blast? titan is one of the moons of jupiter. saturn. saturn. titan is one of the moons of saturn. thank you very much. well, these caves had never been explored before, and the professor had his hands full, captain blast: i can tell you that. gee. well, fortunately for the professor, just then, a gust of wind came up

and that isn't easy when you consider the atmosphere of titan is mostly ammonia, crystals, and methane gas. i'm sorry. that may be true on the surface of titan, mr. wilson, but who knows what's down in those caves? captain blast: now, when the wind blew the hat off captain blast: the professor's head, it frightened captain blast: the snake people because they had never seen a hat before. oh, what did they think it was, captain blast? an oxygen helmet? the professor feels that too much attention to this type of detail spoils the fantasy for the little creatures. they lose interest at this age. may i say that's only the professor's opinion? did the snake guys come back, captain blast? well, yes, they did, only this time,

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here, here. now, now, now. now you tell mr. wilson you're sorry. you deliberately sicked that monkey onto me. no, no, no, mr. wilson, i assure you. i-- he's not a monkey, mr. wilson. he's a venus guy. now, you children are going to listen to me for a change. don't you wanna listen to captain blast, mr. wilson? captain blast here has never-- he's just back from mars, mr. wilson. why, he's never-- well, he's just--

you can go to any zoo and see a monkey just like-- just like that. gee. can you, captain blast? well, dennis, let's see what mr. wilson has to say. is he just an ordinary monkey, mr. wilson? well-- [music] --well, it's just-- now that i take a better look at the lieutenant here, i think it's safe to say that there isn't another like him in any zoo i've ever seen.

heck, that's okay. he doesn't care, huh, lieutenant peep? well, now that the professor knew what to expect from the snake people, he got out his ray gun right away and hid behind a big rock. what, lieutenant? oh, lieutenant peep says to tell you thank you very much. dennis: did the professor shoot the snake guys? well, no. no, he didn't, dennis, because just then, the king of the snake people came in and he looks a little bit like a mongoose. well, everybody knows how afraid snakes are of mongooses, so the-- and then, martha, i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i know, dear. the way dennis and those other kids looked at him, why, it would have been pulling the rug out from under mother goose. it would take a pretty mean man to destroy a little boy's legend.

--i remember how i felt when i found out about the tooth fairy. well, dennis, what can we do for you? hello, mrs. wilson. mr. wilson forgot his card that captain blast left for him. hmm? what card, dennis? this one, mr. wilson. "this is to certify that george wilson "has been made an admiral "in the space fleet navy. "signed, captain blast. countersigned, lieutenant peep." now, how could he make me an admiral if he's only a-- george-- oh, well, this is just fine, dennis. thank you very much. that's okay. mr. wilson? yeah? if you ever buy a pair of shoes and they give you a balloon and you don't want it, can i have it? mine's busted. all right, kid. [applause] [music]

captioning performed by peoplesupport starring barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont,

and jerry mathers

(bright orchestra music) - dear, look what i found in wally's jacket. - alma hanson. - that's a girl's name and her telephone number. - well what'd you expect to find in a high school boy's clothes, a teething ring? (laughter) - ward, do you think he's serious about this girl? - i think if he was serious about her, he wouldn't leave this around for us to find. - well i wish you wouldn't be so calm about it. i think you should come right out and ask wally who this girl is. - well i suppose i could sort of hint around about it at lunch. - oh, i just wish wally didn't have girls' names in his pocket, he's still such a baby. - well to you he's still a baby,

another cary grant. (laughter) - wally, i believe your father has something to ask you. - yeah, what is it, dad? - uh, well wally, when your mother was getting your clothes ready for the cleaners, she found this is your jacket. - oh her, that's nothin', dad. - well it must be something if you're saving it. - i'll be it's a secret girl he's in love with and he's gonna elope with her on a ladder and it'll be in all the papers. - cut it out, will ya beaver? - wally, we're not prying, we're just curious. - oh, well they're havin' this picnic at school and they made all the guys pull girls' names out of this basket, and i got alma so i gotta take her. - oh, well what's she like? - well, she's kinda cute. i guess she's okay for a picnic. - have you called her and asked her yet? - well gee, dad, the picnic's not til next saturday. i can just ask her when i see her in school.

after all, she might be sitting by the telphone waiting for you to call. - well gee, mom, nobody does that, except in old-fashioned books. - wally, there's nothing old-fashioned about politeness. now you call that girl and ask her. - okay. uh, i a, i think i'll call her from the living room. (laughter) - boy, i'm never goin' to high school if they make you call girls. - dear, i thought you objected when you found that girl's name in wally's pocket? - oh, well that's because it was so mysterious, but now it's just a little high school picnic. - oh. - [june] and anyway, i don't like to see girls sitting around waiting for boys to call 'em. - oh, isn't she home? - yeah, she was home. - you didn't talk very long. - well, i asked her if she wanted to go to that thing and she said, "okay" and i sad, "okay," and then i hung up and could you please pass the mustard? (laughter)

- hello? mrs. hanson? oh, yes, alma's mother. no, i don't believe we have met. yes, wally mentioned this morning that he was taking alma to the school picnic. tonight? well, yes, i think he can. yes, i think it's a good idea. uh huh. yeah. yes, i do, uh huh. alright, thank you. goodbye. - now who were you yessing on the telephone? - oh, that was mrs. hanson, alma's mother. the girl wally's taking to the picnic. - oh sure, university 29804. - her mother wants wally to come over for dinner tonight. - yeah? - well, they wanna see what the boy's like who's taking their daughter to the school picnic. - well what if they don't approve of him, what'll they do, just throw him back? - now dear, the hansons are a nice family. and naturally they're concerned about the boy who's taking their daughter out.

of anyone putting our boy under a microscope. - now ward look, if we had a daughter, you wouldn't want her to go out with just any boy would you? - well i don't consider our son just any boy. (laughter) - well dear, they won't know he's not just any boy until they meet him. - alright, alright, send our little peasant lad up to the manor house with his hat in his hand. - dear, he doesn't have a hat. (laughter) - yes, dear. - hey wally, how come you're goin' to this girl's house? - 'cause they wanna look at me. - i guess they never saw anybody like you before, huh wally? - cut it out, will ya beave? boy, sure wish i didn't have to go. - then how come you're goin'? - well, that alma's kind of an okay girl, and anyway mom told me that junk about it bein' the polite thing to do and that she's done a lot of junk for me and it's the least i could do for her. - yeah, she uses that on me to get me to brush my teeth. what'd dad say? - he just gave me that look.

- you know, the one that means i know how it is, but don't make a big thing out of it. - hey, maybe the girl's father'll like ya, and he'll be rich and you'll wind up marrying his daughter and being the president of his company and a millionaire. - cut it out, will ya beaver? whaddaya say junk like that for? - heck, if i had brother who was a millionaire, i could goof off for the rest of my life. (laughter) - [ward] wally! time to go! - okay, dad. - it's kind of exciting, isn't it? - yeah, it reminds the time my brother and i had our prize hog in the 4h club show. - ward! - oh wally, don't you look sweet? doesn't he, ward? - well i'm not sure that "sweet" is exactly the word. whadda you think, beave? - course not, he's not goin' over there so they could smell him. (laughter) - um, can we get goin', dad and get it over with? - sure, come on wally, i'm ready. - now wally, you watch your manners,

you just eat it anyway. (laughter) - yeah, sure mom. - [june] have a good time now, wally. - [wally] see ya later. - hey mom, how come eatin' stuff you don't like is good manners? - because he's a guest. - well what if he ate somethin' he didn't like and got sick, that wouldn't be good manners, would it? - beaver, you know it wouldn't. - yeah, but i just wanted to see what you'd say. (laughter) - are you picking wally up? - uh no, the hansons are bringing him home. - you didn't tell me what they're like. didn't you meet them when you dropped wally off? - oh yeah. well, she's a tall woman who wears bracelets, and he has a moustache and stands by the fireplace. (laughter) - ward, is that all you can tell me? - well dear, i was only there a minute.

- well, she looks a little like her father, except she doesn't have a moustache. (laughter) - what did wally say? - (laughing) well, he said, "i'm very pleased "to meet you, mr. hanson. "how do you do, mrs. hanson?" and then he sat down in the candy dish. (laughter) - oh ward, he didn't? - (laughing) no, but he almost did. (laughter) - hey mom, hey dad! a car just drove up and wally's in it. - they're bringing him home pretty early. - well maybe he goofed somethin' up and they sent in home. - [ward] beaver, will you go back to bed?! - yes, dad. - now look dear, don't start pumping him as soon as he comes in, just let him talk. - alright, dear. - [june] is that you, wally? - yeah mom, i'm home. well, goodnight mom, goodnight dad.

- did you have a good time? - yeah, it was okay. - what was mrs. hanson like? - she was okay. - did you like mr. hanson? - yeah, he was okay. - well wally, you went over there so the parents could meet you, do you think they liked you? - search me. is it okay if i go to bed now? - certainly son. - goodnight. - goodnight. - hey you little goof, you were listenin'! - well sure, i wanted to get in on all the goof stuff too. (laughter) - [wally] come on, let's go to bed. - [beaver] hi, mom. - hi, beaver. - we're home from sunday school. oh boy, apple pie huh? - uh huh, what's up now? - oh, it's such a nice day out i thought i'd spend it with the boys. beave, go change your clothes, we'll play some catch. - sure dad. - [ward] tell wally to come, too.

- wally's not here, dear. he's playing tennis with alma hanson. - when did he ask her to play tennis? - oh, wally didn't do the asking. alma's mother called up and suggested it. - oh. - and next week after the picnic they want him to go up to the lake with them. mrs. hanson was very impressed with wally. - well, i'm glad she's impressed. don't you think she's pushing a little? - wally doesn't seem to mind. - well i mind, i don't like mothers promoting romances. let him find his own girlfriends like i used to. (laughter) - and how many girls did you find before you found me? - well uh... - i thought your main interest was prize hogs. - well dear, a boy's life can't be all one-sided. (laughter) - dear, do you think wally's old enough to have a white dinner jacket? - what for? - well, when mrs. hanson called she said there was a dance at the country club in two weeks. and mrs. hanson said it was formal. - you know, when wally gets home i think i'm gonna have a talk with him.

and i certainly don't approve if he's going steady her mother. (laughter) - hey wally, did you skunk the girl at tennis?

and with committed support, they thrive.

- no, i didn't skunk her, she won. - you got beat by a girl? - yeah well, i kinda let her win. you know, when you're playing with a girl that's sorta the polite thing to do. anyway, her mother was watchin'. - how come it works that way? - what way? - you gotta be nice and polite to girls, but they don't have to be polite to you. - well, it's kinda like chivalry. the knights started that stuff a long time ago. - you mean on account of a lot of dead guys we've gotta let girls push us around? (laughter) - yeah. - (singing) she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes, when she comes. she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes, she'll be comin' round the mountain,

oh, hi dad, wally got beat by a girl. (laughter) - i think your tennis racket's a little out of tune, beaver. - yeah, sure dad. - well wally, your mother tells me you may need a white coat for a dance soon. - yeah well, gee dad, i don't know. i kinda don't wanna go. - why don't you just tell alma you don't wanna go? you're not afraid to tell her are you? - no, but he's afraid to tell her mother. (laughter) - oh. - yeah dad, and it's pretty rough when she starts workin' on ya. - wally, you're too young to see so much of one girl anyway, i think you can afford to just pass up some of these invitations. - gee, i'd sure like to dad, but i don't wanna hurt alma's feelings, she's okay. - oh. well i'll ya, son, it just might be that i can be of a little help to ya here. - you know somethin' about girls, dad? - yeah, a little. you know wally, when i was in college there was a girl who uh,

anyway, i wasn't particularly interested so from that time on whenever i called on her i just happened to take one of my fraternity brothers along. and the first thing you know, she got interested in one of the other fellows and i was off the hook. - gee dad, a guy never thinks of his father as bein' that sharp. (laughter) what i mean is that, um, well gee, that's real neat dad. - you might find it helpful with alma and her mother. i wouldn't let this thing get out of hand. - yeah, yeah thanks dad. i think i might try that. - okay. oh fellas, there's no need to mention any of this to your mother. - gee dad, she was't the girl you ditched, was she? - oh no, no, but there's no need to spill the beans to her anyway. (laughter) - you know wally, if you ditch this alma,

- the way i figure it, a guy my age shouldn't waste another summer hanging around mayfield. the minute school's out, little old eddie heads straight for europe. - are you really going to europe, eddie? - sure, if i can't pry the change loose from my old man, i'll work my way across. either as a purser, or maybe a companion to some old millionaire. - [alma] where would go in europe? - well, i might start off by givin' england a break. personally i don't dig the way they live over there, but that's their business. - eddie kinda likes to talk, alma. - really? i never would have known. - and from england i'll make it over to france. i dig that oo la la. (laughter) - do you plan to call on general de gaulle? (laughter) - who knows, if the cat's in the book, i might give him a ring. (laughter) hey, you got any more of these peanuts? - hey, look eddie, i think we better get goin'.

- well... - wally, the next time you come over, please don't bring eddie. - well um, uh, gee alma, i know he likes you a lot, and well, actually, he's a pretty nice guy, when he doesn't talk so much. (laughter) - wally! ho wally! - he's not home, dear. - oh, i wanted him to pick the papers up off the front lawn. - he went over to alma hanson's. he took clarence rutherford with him. - oh? - and i think he took eddie haskell with him yesterday. - oh he did, huh? (laughter) - is something going on i don't know about? - oh, not at all. - then why are you smiling like that? (laughter) - like what? - like something's going on i don't know about. (laughter) - uh, clarence was telling me that after he gets out of college,

isn't that right, lumpy? - yeah, a trial lawyer. - that's nice. - lumpy's in the school band, you know. he plays clarinet. - alto clarinet. - and last summer he and the whole band went up to madison for the state music festival. the band won second prize and they stayed there for two whole days and they played for the governor and everything. everybody got a medal. - i didn't go. - oh. - i had swollen glands. well a guy can't play clarinet if he's got swollen glands. (laughter) - hi mom. - hi there, beaver. i thought you might come home with wally. - uh uh, he went over to alma hanson's. - again today? - yeah, he took harry myers with him. - harry myers? yesterday he took lumpy and the day before that he took eddie. have you any idea why he's taking all those boys over there?

'cause that's the way dad used to ditch all his girls when he was in college. (laughter) - beaver, did your father tell wally that? - yeah. he also told me not to spill any beans. (laughter) - well that's very interesting. - oh, but it's alright mom, 'cause he said he never pulled it on you. (laughter) - so you see, if you can divide a parallelogram into two triangles, if you can prove that angle a is equal to angle c, well you got the problem licked. - why harry, that's wonderful, isn't it, wally? - yeah, and if you're havin' any trouble in your spanish, i know this real neat guy named frankie mendoza, he comes from south america. he can catch ya up on your verbs or vocabulary or anything. - well thank you, wally. - [wally] yeah, and he can probably teach ya the cha cha, too. oh, but he's not as nice a guy as harry is.

- what are you doing? - just thinking. - thinking up new ways to ditch girls? (laughter) - dear, i was just trying to help wally over a difficult situation. - well i don't like you teaching him the mean tricks that you used to do. - i didn't think of it that way at all. i was just thinking that wally is a very nice looking boy, and from time to time he may catch the eyes of quite a few ambitious mothers and their daughters. - you know you really can't blame mrs. hanson. wally'd make a nice date for any girl. - yes, i know, but i -- (doorbell ringing) - i'll get it, dear. - [june] oh, hello, won't you come in? ward! it's mr. and mrs. hanson. you know my husband. - oh yes, yes, of course. - won't you sit down? - thank you.

- we have a problem. and i'll get right to the point. i'm afraid your son wally has been demanding much too much of my daughter's time. - oh? - i didn't mind wally coming over in the beginning, but now he's at our house every day. and even if poor alma has another boy come to call, your son always manages to be there. - mrs. hanson -- - mrs. hanson, we can see how that would be quite a problem. now do you have any solution in mind? - naturally we wouldn't want to hurt wally's feelings. he seems to be rather a nice boy. so i think that if you just kept wally at home for a few days, it would give alma a chance to see more of these other boys who've been flocking around. i just don't like to see a popular girl tying herself down to any one boy. - (yelling) mrs. hanson -- - mrs. hanson, if you say so, we'll certainly try to restrain wally.

- thank you for understanding. mrs. cleaver, i hope we didn't keep you away from your dishes. - not at all, they're used to being alone. (laughter) - yes, well, come along alfred. - it's been a pleasure, mr. cleaver, being able to talk man to man like this. (laughter) - yes, of course. - oh ward, how could you stand there grinning and agreeing with her? why the things she said about wally. - well, i guess i'm just too much like my older son, dear, i just can't hurt people's feelings. - you couldn't possible have hurt that woman's feelings. - i wasn't worried about her feelings, actually i was thinking of alma, and maybe just a little bit of poor alfred. (laughter) - [june] you better go up and talk to wally.

- gee thanks, dad, for gettin' me off the hook with alma, i was kinda runnin' out of guys to take over there. - well, i'd better go down and make my peace with your mother. - is she mad at you, dad? - a little bit, but i don't think she knows why, so i'd better go down and tell her. (laughter) - hey wally, who's the guy with the moustache you and dad were talkin' about? - oh, that's alma's father. - what does he do? - he stands by the fireplace and smokes a pipe. - what's wrong with that? - well nothin', but that's all he does. (laughter)

- oh that's alright. i felt we owed it to mrs. hanson's picture of us. - you know, i was thinking about alma and mrs. hanson. you know, they remind me a little bit of my mother. - oh come now, dear, your mother was a fine, understanding woman. - well, mother's can't be fine and understanding all the time. i remember when i was about 15 my mother went to see helen hayes in "antony and cleopatra." right then and there she decided that i was gonna be an actress. - she didn't?! - yes, she did, she gave me special dramatics lessons and voice courses, and she even worked behind the scenes to get me the lead in the school play. - well what happened? - oh, well a week after she saw me in the school play she saw helen hayes again. comparison almost killed her. (laughter) - well honey i'm glad she gave up the idea. because if she hadn't, right now i'd be paying $4 dollars a seat just to look at you. (laughter)

starring barbara billingsley,

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- hi. - hi. - when did you get home? - oh, couple of minutes ago, i'm kinda tired. - why are you tired? - well, dear i'm tired from having

- beaver wants to see you. - i'll talk to him after supper. - oh, honey, he's been waiting since 3:30. come on, you talk to him now. - alright, i'll go talk to him. you don't think there's anything wrong, do you? - no, if there were i think he'd have told me first so i could break it to you gently. dear? you didn't really have a happy, riotous time at the office, did you? - no, dear. - you just see that you never do. - yes, dear. - wally, do you think when i ask him dad'll say yes? - well, i don't know. sometimes when you think he'll say no, he says yes. and sometimes when you think he'll say yes, he says no. i think that's got something to do with being a father. - i hope he's in yes mood tonight. (knocking on door)

well, beaver, your mother tells me you wanna have a little talk with me. - well, i don't wanna have a little talk with you, dad. i just wanna know could i ride my bike to school. - well, beaver, you just got it saturday. anyway you ride to school on the bus. - but if i rode my bike i wouldn't have to ride on the bus. - well... - well, sure dad, you can't argue with him there. - can i, dad? can i, huh? - well, beaver, i thought you were happy just to ride your bike around here, i don't know about riding it to school. well, gee, whitey whitney's father lets him ride his bike to school, and larry mondello's father lets him ride his bike to school. i don't wanna be the only guy with no bicycle, father. - just a minute, beaver. if their fathers let them play with dynamite, would you expect me to let you do the same thing? - but i don't wanna play with dynamite. i just wanna ride my bike to school. - well, i think i better talk this over with your mother. - that means he' can't do it, huh dad?

it just means that i think this is the sort of thing your mother and i should agree on. - i'll let you know after supper. - well, thanks a lot, dad. - what do you think, wally? - well, i don't know. you in good with mom right now? - well, i think so. when i came home from school today i gave her a big hug. - well, that might help but i don't know if women understand bikes too good. i think it'd be better if you wanted to plant flowers or something. - let's go, beav. - [beaver] okay. - come on beav, let's go. - okay. i gotta go now, so long mom, so long dad. - goodbye, beaver. - don't kiss me, mom, the guys are watching. - i hope he'll be alright. - don't worry, mom. kids are dumb but they manage to grow up. - oh, they do, do they? - well, sure.

- almost, wally, almost. - so long. - goodbye. - bye, wally. - hi, wally. - oh, hi, mom. - what in the world are you eating? - this? it's my own invention. it's a sandwich with the meat on the outside. - let me get you a plate. - here you are. - all gone, mom. - wally, don't they teach you any manners at school? - you know, that's funny, mom. at school they're always saying, "don't they teach you any manners at home?" - did you see beaver on the way home? - nah, he'll be home. he's probably just goofing around on his bike.

i hope he doesn't come home late. - hey, mom, how come you and dad are always worrying about us? - because, wally, along with a lot of other things, we're responsible for you boys until you're 21. - eddie says it's 18. - eddie seems to know a lot about the law. - yeah, he told his father that in three years he's going over the wall. - wally, what a terrible thing to say. - he doesn't really mean it, mom. eddie just says junk like that so his father won't know he likes him. - is it so awful to like your father? - well, it is when you're trying to be a character like eddie. - if beaver doesn't come home soon i'm gonna call your father and have him look for him on the way home. - well, gosh mom, what if dad found him in front of the guys? that'd ruin his life before he even got started. - hey, larry, how come after we paid for the sodas, the man in the store told us to beat it? - i don't know. i guess 'cause we're kids.

- well, hi. - hi. - hey kid is this neat bike your bike? - yeah, this neat bike's my bike. - sure, who do you think it belonged to? - well, i wasn't hurting it. i was just thinking, "boy, this bike must belong to some millionaire's kid." - well, i'm no millionaire's kid. it's a new bike and i ride it to school. - hey, it's got hand brakes. - that's a gear shift for going up hills more easy. - gee, i'd sure like to ride a bike like this. do you think i could give it a try? - give it a try where? - like around the block? - yeah and going up the hill, you could try out the gears. - boy, thanks, i'll be back in a couple of minutes. (playful music) - he's a nice kid, huh larry? - yeah.

- well, sure. what do you wanna be, a bike miser? (playful music) - [larry] you won me again, beav. - hey, larry, how long did that kid say he'd be gone? - a couple of minutes. - has he been gone that long? - i think he's been gone a couple a couple of minutes. - he'll be back, won't he? - oh, sure, he'll be back. he was a nice guy. he's probably just trying out the gears. - yeah. i wish i didn't have gears. maybe he'd be back by now. - come on, beav, play me another game. (playful music)

i think you should go and look for him. - well, let's give him a few more minutes, june. i don't want him to think we don't trust him the first day he takes his bike. - hey, dad, beaver home yet? - no, he's not. - hey, maybe he wrecked his bike against a tree and he's carrying in it home on his back. - wally, i'm sure if something happened he'd phone us and let us know. - gee, i don't know if he'd waste a whole dime just calling home. well, i don't think he would. - he wasn't down my side of the street. - he wasn't down my side of the street either. he sure been gone more than a couple of minutes. - yeah, last time we looked at the clock

- you know, larry, i don't think he's coming back tonight. - i don't think he's ever coming back. - he can't never come back, 'cause we know where he lives. - how do we know that? - on account that he's a friend of yours. - gee, beaver, i never saw that kid before. - but gee, larry, you said hi to him. - well, i say hi to everybody. - but gee, larry, you told me to let him have my bike and be a good guy. - well, i didn't tell you to be a dumb good guy. (audience laughs) - you know, larry, that kid stole my bike. - you know, beaver, you ought to go tell somebody quick. - yeah. - what's the matter? - i'm trying to think of somebody i could tell who's not gonna yell at me. - yeah, i know. do you want me to go home with you

- no, if he's gonna yell at me, i'd rather he yell at me by myself. - bye, beav. - so long, larry.

- june, june? - is beaver here? - no, he's not, dear and i think i better go look for him. - i knew it was a mistake to let him ride his bicycle to school. - yes, dear, you've told me that twice already. - well, dear, i'm not exactly blaming you. - no, you're coming as close to it as you can though. - hey, dad, would you like me to go look for the beaver while you guys finish the argument? - wally, we're not arguing. and i'll go and look for him. well, so here we are. - yes, sir. here we are. - where have you been, beaver? didn't you know we were worried about you?

but i didn't know what i could do about it. - beaver, i gave you permission to ride back and forth to school, but you had no business to stay out this late on your bicycle. - i didn't stay out this late on my bicycle. - well, of course you did, it's ten after six. dad, i think he's trying to tell you something happened to the bike. - beaver, is your bicycle wrecked or was it lost? - no, mom, it was stoled. - stoled? - yes, sir, it was stoled by a kid in front of the candy store. - boy, beaver. - beaver, that was a brand new bicycle. to let it be stolen was an absolutely stupid and careless thing to do. what did you do after you found it was gone? - i wished i was dead. - you wished you were dead? - yeah, i wished it for about 15 minutes, but nothing happened so i came home. - now, look, beaver. - dear, supper's all ready. don't you think we could talk about it later?

- you go upstairs and get washed, beaver. - yes, mom. - boy, beaver, how could you let a kid steal your bike? - i don't know, i guess 'cause he stole a little at a time. (dramatic music) - something goes wrong and he wishes he were dead. - ward, i remember when i was beaver's age, and i did something wrong, i used to wish that all of a sudden it would be tomorrow. and don't you dare say he's just like me. (playful music) - it was a white bike, with blue trim. - it seems to me that it was more blue than it was white, dear. and it had all sorts of little doo-dads on it. - look, dear, i'm sure the bike was mainly white. you know, after all i helped him pick it out. - but dear, it's a... come on in, beaver.

he's going to help us find your bike. - thank you for gonna help us. - okay, son, can you describe the bike? - oh, yes sir, it was a blue bike with white trim, and had gear shifts and hand brakes and racing tires, and it had a seat that said "made in st. louis", and the handlebars were turned up, and it had mud under the front fender from going through a puddle. - well, that's a pretty good description. you say it was a new bike? - yes, yes, we got it last weekend. - well, of course the best we have to go on is the registration number. - the registration number? - yes, didn't you take it down to police headquarters and have it registered and they gave you a little license tag? it's a city ordinance, you know. - oh, yes, i did know about that, and i meant to register it, i guess we just didn't get around to it, eh beav? - you didn't tell me anything about it. - oh, i thought i had. - well, mr. cleaver it's pretty difficult to trace down a bicycle that's not registered. - but you still think you can find it, don't you? - well, we'll do our best. - now if you will' give me the serial number. - oh yes, i'll call the store in the morning.

- yes sir, i sure hope you can find my bike, 'cause that was the first one i ever had new. i had one before but it was left over from my brother. - we'll sure try. (playful music) - i'm certainly sorry about not registering that bike. it just never occurred to me that anyone would steal it the first week. i guess i was a little careless, and a little too trusting of human nature. - well, mr. cleaver, i'm afraid that's exactly what our little friend here was too. goodnight. - goodnight. - night. - well, beaver, i gave you quite a lecture about carelessness and responsibility. i guess it's your turn to give me the same lecture. - gee, dad, i wouldn't do that. a guy doesn't wanna make his father feel bad.

well, i sure let him down. - oh, honey, things aren't too bad. even if they don't find the bike at least it was covered by insurance. - yeah. - dear, does that look on your face mean you didn't get around to insuring it either? - you wanna know something? - what? - i wish i was dead. - do you think they'll ever find your bike, beaver? - i don't know, larry. it's been gone for three whole days now. - well, me and whitey are riding to friend's lake on saturday. i sure hope they find your bike by then. - friend's lake isn't so hot anyways. - you're just saying that, aren't you beav? - yeah, i'm just saying it. hey larry, do you got your bike registered? - yeah, my mom did it. but you know, beav, maybe it wasn't your father's fault that he didn't register your bike.

- yeah, he might've, but he still said it was his fault. - you know, my father never said anything was his fault in his whole life. - never? - well, once when he was blaming me for something, i sat down and proved to him it was really his fault. - did he agree with ya? - no, he hit me for being a wise guy. - boy. - my mother said if he was home more he'd understand me better. - do you think he would? - he might, but why stick your neck out? - yeah. - i hope they find your bike soon, beav. - i hope so too. (playful music) - here you are. - hold on, what's this, mom? - oh, that's a little invention of mine, a sandwich with the bread outside, served on a plate.

where's beaver this afternoon? - wally, we have good news. the police called and they found the bicycle, and your father went to school to pick beaver up and they've gone down to get it. - hey, that's neat. did they catch the guy that crooked it? - wally, i wish you wouldn't use words like that. suppose you were somewhere, suppose you met the president, now you wouldn't use a word like "crooked it", would you? - heck no, mom, if i ever met the president i'd be too scared to say anything. - want a glass of milk? - yeah, a little, mom. hey, mom, when beaver gets his bike back you gonna let him ride it to school? - well, i'd rather he wouldn't but if all of his friends do then i guess i won't say no. - well, gee mom, what if all his friends played with dynamite, would you let him do that too? - wally, where in the world would you get such a silly idea? - dad pulled it on beaver the other night. - oh. i hope they come home soon with the bicycle. - you know, that's pretty good sandwich, mom.

(audience laughs) (playful music) - oh, beaver, what a shame, your brand new bicycle. - well, you know, actually june it isn't too bad. it can be fixed. - well, sure, and anyway after he had it a month it would look like this anyway. - well, it would not. what did you go and say that for? - well, heck, i was just trying to make you feel better. - wally, why don't you go inside the house and give your mother a hand. i'll help beaver put the bike away. well, beav, i guess you fell a little bad about all of this, don't you? - i feel whole lot bad about it. they just shouldn't have found the bike, they should've found the guy that stole it, and they should've chased him and stuck him in a police car, and put him in jail for the rest of his life. that's what should've happened. - well, maybe so, beaver but a lot of things that should happen, just don't happen.

while i got a busted bike, and he's going around knowing he got away with something without being punished or anything. - oh now, wait a minute, beaver. no one ever gets away without being punished. the chances are right now that boy's conscience is really punishing him and making him very unhappy. - i'd still like it better if he was in jail. - well, you know beaver, this kind of punishment may be a lot worse. you stop and think about it a minute. every time that boy leaves the house he's probably afraid he's going to run into you, or larry or someone else who knows what he did. every time he sees a police car go by, he probably thinks they're looking for him. - he could run away and hide, couldn't he? - no, beaver, you can run away from people, dut you can't run away and hide from yourself. - but he was kind of a wise guy, dad. suppose he didn't have a conscience and it didn't bother him at all. - well, if he's that kind of a boy, beaver, he just might end up spending the rest of his life in jail. - gee dad, that's what i wanted in the first place.

- no, dad, i guess i don't. 'cause i don't even like to see guys in movies in jail, even though i know when the picture's over

(playful music) - hey, beaver. beaver, i was over on grand avenue, and i saw that kid who stole your bike. - you saw him, you really saw him? - yeah and i went up and tried to speak to him and he ran away.

on account that his conscience would bother him. - boy it was something, beav. i never had a guy that big run away from me before. - yeah, that conscience stuff is really something. did your conscience ever bother you, larry? - sure, once when i called my sister a big ugly toad, i felt funny right in my stomach. - is that where you conscience is? - that's where mine is. hey, beav, will your bike be fixed by tomorrow? - yeah, it'll be fixed. - okay, i'll pick you up on the way to school. - i'm not riding my bike to school. - how come? - on account of my mom. - oh, she told you you couldn't, huh? - no, but wally said she told him she'd rather i wouldn't, but she wasn't gonna tell me and spoil it for me. - that's why you're not doing it? - yeah, i don't want my conscience to start hurting me in my stomach.

darrin? what kind of eggs would you like? how about chicken gs? ho ho. fried or scrambled? surprise me. [ smooches ] love you.

[ adam cries ] what's the matter, love? [ coos ] missed your mommy, huh? "i am a prisoner in an egg fu yung factory." okay, who's the smart-aleck witch? you owe me one egg. [ ding! ] i hardly think that's the proper way to address your father. oh, daddy, i-i'm sorry. i thought maybe it was mother or serena. i hardly expected you to make such a quiet entrance i didn't want to disturb. how is the little prince? just fine. looking more like you every day. just for that, my darling daughter, i'm going to bestow on you the highest honor at my disposal. oh! [ laughs ] thank you, daddy. hello, there, little adam!

my, he is just thriving, isn't he? oh, incidentally i entered him for membership in the warlock club. at the age of 10 weeks? well, it's never too early. before you know it, he'll be a man, and a man never knows when he's going to want to spend the night in town. if he isn't a member of the club, he'll have to stay in a hotel, and we can't have that, can we? no, i guess not. and how is little tabitha? as radiant as her mother, i hope? she's taking a walk with esmeralda. why don't you stay for breakfast? you can see her later. love to! i'll have, uh, a beluga caviar, of course, caught off the north shore of caspian in the month of may. and the champagne -- i'm sorry, but we're fresh out of champagne and caviar from anywhere. nonsense! you can't be fresh out of anything as long as you have your powers. oh, daddy, stop it.

except in extreme emergencies. but this is an emergency! i'm dying for some caviar and champagne. well, you haven't lived until you've tasted a handmade breakfast. you know the trouble around here is ego -- plain, unvarnished mortal ego. your husband doesn't want you to use your natural powers because it makes him feel inferior, but i tell you unequivocally that if he had those same powers, his objections would vanish in a flash. i don't agree. oh, what a pleasant surprise -- company for breakfast. daddy's always a wonderful surprise. well, well, well, how good to see you, dustbin! darrin. it's been far too long since our last meeting. well, i wouldn't say that. darrin, daddy's gonna join us for breakfast. terrific. samantha's looking absolutely fabulous, my boy, no doubt due to your tender, loving care.

sit down, sit down. thank you, sir. why so formal? call me maurice. okay. maurice. or "dad"? okay, dad. you were right. "sir" is best. what's for breakfast? i think we're having fatted calf. i have a little surprise for you, daryl... darrin! ...in honor of the arrival of my first grandson. [ ding! ] that really wasn't necessary, maurice. "sir." sir. that watch is waterproof, antimagnetic, and has built-in aircraft radar. well, it's really very handsome. it's shockproof, too. i don't know what to say. but best of all, you can perform witchcraft with it. now i know what to say. no, thank you.

what's wrong with using the watch just to tell the time? you didn't mention it could do that. oh, dustin, my boy -- it's "darrin, my boy." thank you. daddy, if he doesn't want it, why force him? why does he have to be such a dog in the manger? he's no such thing. he's a man of principle. you mean he was a man of principle. [ ding! ] daddy, that is unfair, unreasonable, and downright despicable! it is, isn't it? i order you to cha-- you what? oh, um, i-i mean i -- i beg you to change him back.

before samantha comes back down, just between us fellows, why don't you save yourself a lot of trouble and take the watch? [ growls, barks ] sit down. his highness is tucked in, and all is well with the world, except right here.

one minute you tell me how well i look thanks to his tender, loving care, and then you do something like this. [ growls ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] everything's fine now, sweetheart. sure. thank you -- from the bottom of my jowls. n-now, sweetheart, let's be reasonable. let's keep an open mind. it's open. it's also made up. look here, man, my daughter's been decent enough to live your mortal life for five long years, has she not? well, yes. well, the least you can do is to experience the other side of the coin for a few short days. oh, now that sounds like a fair compromise. a few short days? one short day, if you like. it's a deal, sir. call me maurice.

now that he's gone, there are a couple of other things i'd like to call him. i wouldn't if i were you. daddy may be out of sight, but he's seldom out of earshot. [ telephone rings ] hello? oh, hi, larry. [ sighs ] well, i was held up by some, uh, unexpected visitors. yeye, i'm just leaving. right. goodbye. i've got to run, honey. well, you haven't had your breakfast. oh. y-yes, you have. i've got an important meeting this morning, and i don't want to be late, and you know how bad the traffic is at this hour. [ ding! ] what is all this traffic nonsense? all you have to do is command the watch, and -- pssh! -- you're at the office. actually, maurice, i love to drive. gives me time to relax, listen to the traffic bulletins. you're trying my patience. darrin, you know daddy's temper. you're doggone right. now, just a few simple instructions. you hold the watch,

and you say, "zoldar planken kopec lum." zolda pranken kopec lum?! that was a dirty trick! um, b-b-bye, sweetheart! s-see you at dinner. [ chuckles nervously ] well, i'll say this for darrin -- he disappeared like he's been doing it all his life -- except for that pained look on his face. and these. oh. but he'll improve with practice. okay, darrin needs a new pair of shoes. zolda pranken kopec lum. [ ding! ]

toes are a little pointy, but what does a watch know about shoes? oh, he's a fine young lad. have you any indication yet of what his powers may be? he's only 10 weeks old. what of it? at his age, i flew. how can you remember a thing like that? when you get caught in a flock of swallows returning to capistrano, you don't forget. [ chuckles ] i do the feeding. you do the burping. well, i think i'll just pop in and see how dustin is doing. [ ding! ] oh, my goodness. daddy? you're setting the father-in-law business back 100 years! that's silly. he isn't really. he's very nice when you get to know him.

and then, when the new bliss cough syrup bottle is on the shelves, we coordinate an advertising campaign on radio and television pegged on the slogan, "ask any doctor about a bad cough and he'll tell you, 'silence is bliss.'" clever... i think. clever? it'll knock the competition on its ear! oh, you're right... i guess. sure, i'm right, and that new bottle design is a beauty! yes, it's very handsome -- very nice. but... oh, no buts. no buts at all. good, then it's settled. of course, the square bottle with the little gold cap -- which was my father's idea -- has been our trademark since 1918. oh. really? not to mention that my father has always prided himself on making bliss cough syrup a household name strictly by word of mouth. well, mr. bliss, word of mouth is a good way to spread a cough, not a cough syrup. oh, that's a good one. [ laughs ] you are joking, aren't you?

the old that sounds like a good idea! how do you do that? yes, larry, how do you do that? uh...uh, let's talk about it over lunch. oh, i couldn't possibly make lunch. i'm expected at a board meeting this afternoon. oh, in fact, i'm late already. oh, i'm sure the board will be delighted with our unique appro uh, maybe. but, uh, as you know, we've also been talking to gilby associates about handling our account. oh? no, i didn't know. of course, what darrin was just saying about new packaging and using television -- that was strictly a personal opinion. he doesn't have the last word -- that's up to me. larry! well, um, we'll definitely be deciding on the approach we want at the board meeting today... maybe. thanks for the vote of confidence. darrin, i'm sorry, but i had to do something to show that we were strong yet flexible. like a tower of jell-o. i'm a man who operates on the theory

and that's what you give him. there's only one fly in that jell-o -- we're not going to be at that board meeting. well, dolphin, doesn't that suggest something to you? maurice, if you don't mind, i'm not the slightest bit interested in attending tha you see, it's obviously important to you, or you wouldn't be so overwrought. why don't we talk about it over lunch? i know a charming little chinese restaurant -- very relaxed -- only a few seconds from here. well, since i have to eat somewhere... splendid! come along! [ ding! ] [ far east music plays ] you can tell the food is excellent. all the hong kong ricksha drivers eat here. never mind that. you shanghaied me to hong kong.

that pun is worthy of uncle arthur. maurice, i demand you get me out of here this instant! look into my eyes and listen to me very carefully. you are quicksliver, a fleeting shadow, a distant sound. your life has no boundary beyond which you can pass. you live on the wind and in the sparkle of a star. go to that board meeting. listen. learn. once you've tasted the forbidden fruit, you'll love it. [ ding! ] now then, father, turning to the gilby associates approach -- they have a completely opposite viewpoint from that of mcmann & tate. [ ding! ]

um, gilby recommends that we keep the traditional bliss cough syrup bottle. with the little gold cap on top? with the little gold cap on top. good, good. i like the little gold cap. doesn't everybody? yes! yes! yes! yes! [ ding! ] sorry i'm late. i had to pay the check, and they couldn't change a million-yen bill. what's the matter? you got a headache? shh! they'll hear us! no, they won't. we're both invisible and inaudible. now, uh, to mcmann & tate, father. they're recommending radio, television, and all that sort of thing. and what about the gilby people? what's their scheme? the old mail-order approach. well, uh, what do you say, son? well, sir, i say... i'd love to hear what you have to say, first. smart boy. respects his father. he'll go far, right? right! right! right! right!

notice how he controls his child. i wonder how he does shh! please. i told you, they can't hear us. no, no. them -- i can't hear them. bliss sr.: i'll tell you what i think about it. i say we've been in business 50 years, right? right! right! right! right! what's good enough for 50 years is good enough for 51, right? right! right! right! right! i say we go with gilby. with gilby, sir, all the way! right! right! right! right! zolda pranken -- just think it, lad. [ ding! ] hmm, he did that beautifully. well, i know when i'm not needed. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] darrin, for pete's sake! what are you doing in my office? i didn't even hear you come in. well, it's these, uh -- these shoes.

bliss hasn't called me yet. what do you think it means? i think it means we've lost the account to gilby. who asked you? i know how we can get it back. get it back? we haven't lost it yet. i just told you, bliss hasn't called. larry, i have inside information. you have? the only way we can get that account is to give old man bliss what he wants. what's that? his little gold cap and a 1930s sales approach. darrin, are you sure? i'll stake my job on it. you have. you have. get busy on the new roughs. i'll call bliss and try to talk him into another meeting.

well, i talked and hinted that we'd scrapped our whizban for a more traditional concept, and he went for it. larry, you're gonna have to get used to something -- i'm never wrong. oh, i can get used to you never being wrong, but i don't kn yeah, well, i better get these over to the art department. uh, darrin, how did you get that inside info? larry, if i told you, you wouldn't believe me. uh-huh. you son of a gun! today, bliss pharmaceutical... tomorrow, the world! you're late for work. you grab your 10-gallon jug of coffee, and back out of the garage. right into your wife's car. with your wife watching. she forgives you... eventually. your insurance company, not so much.

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i don't think so, samantha. he has opened the forbidden can of peas. he has taken the proverbial inch. he has tasted power. it's like pat\ de foie gras -- once you start, you can't stop. you don't know dar i know mortals. they have as much backbone as an earthworm. darrin is an exceptional human being. your loyalty is commendable, my dear, but your perspective a little distorted. that's not true. he's sensitive, principled, and a very good judge of character. shh! what is it? here comes the judge. goodbye, my dear [ ding! ] goodbye, daddy. hi, sweetheart. [ door closes ] hi, sweetheart. guess what happened today? can it wait? i've got some really good news. mine's pretty good, too. sam, i've got to get this off my chest. i've come to the conclusion that your father is right.

if i love you enough, i have to accept that, and i have no right to deny you the things that are your natural heritage. well, that's all over now. over? yes. your father is right. you deserve all the things i haven't been able to give you. darrin, i have everything i want. not enough. by the time i can afford to buy you a mink coat, minks might be extinct. all i'm suggesting is we speed things up a little. now, tell me -- what's your good news? oh, well, um, it's -- it's about the baby. he rolled over today. rolled over what? you know! turned over by himself! oh! hey, that's great! let's celebrate. how about dinner at maxim's in paris? darrin, would you mind

uh, your good news has taken a lot out of me. i knew you'd be thrilled. so we'll have a quiet dinner at home. i'll go get cleaned up. [ smooches ] maurice: he has opened the forbidden can of peas. he has taken the proverbial inch. he has tasted power. it's like pat\ de foie gras -- once you start, you can't stop. not darrin. no. i-it's been a big day for him. a-a good night's rest, and he'll come to his senses. i hope. -- captions by vitac -- www.vi [ laughs ] i think you're going to find this next activity very amusing, young man. it's called "making daddy's breakfast." mm-hmm! now... [ coos ]

french toast is -- well, it isn't french, and it isn't toast, and that gives you an idea of what you're gonna be up against in this world. [ ding! ] what's the big idea? [ ding! ] daddy. yes. "daddy." thanks for the mess. any time. may i have my egg back? [ ding! ] thanks. i pop in to see how your father's enjoying his gift of infinite power, and what do i find? daddy, darrin agreed to accept your gift for only one day. now, i'm sure by now he's back to normal. ah, but you forget how easy it was to persuade him to use my magic gift. let me refresh your memory. shall we tune in the refrigerator? [ ding! ] now, just a few simple instructions --

you concentrate on where you want to be, and you say, "zolda prankan kopek lum." zolda prankan kopek lum?! that was a dirty trick! ah, he was beautiful, samantha. you should have seen him zapping and popping like an old pro, especially when he popped into the client's office to get some inside information. that wasn't cricket. no, it was eavesdropping. i don't believe you. uh, darrin, how did you get that inside info? larry, if i told you, you wouldn't believe me. you son of a gun! today, bliss pharmaceutical, tomorrow, the world! [ gasps ] now tell me that isn't the look of a man who sees the open door to fame and fortune. no.

who is trying to satisfy the wishes of his father-in-law for one day. i'm sure by now he's back to normal. i don't think so, samantha. it's like p t\ de foie gras -- once you've tasted it, you can't stop. as the boys say on carnaby street -- "he's hooked." we'll see. darrin's different. so you keep saying. good morning, adam. hello, maurice. good morning, my boy! sweetheart. what's for breakfast? french toast. oh. what do you mean "oh"? well, i had my taste buds set for something a little more, uh, exotic, like... eggs florentine, perhaps? yeah, that might be good. and truffles and caf\ au lait? now, that's what i call a proper breakfast. sorry, darrin, but this kitchen is fresh out of truffles. now, i know one that's not. the caf\ chez henri in paris. say the magic words. concentrate on "chez henri."

zolda prankan kopek lum.

book, come. book, return. darrin... don't tell me. let me tell you. you think you saw a book going by. yeah. i did think that. i was just experimenting with my latest diversion -- mind over matter. you see, by deep concentration, i channel my thoughts to your cerebellum,

darrin, will you please knock it off with all this hocus-pocus and channel your brain waves to the bliss pharmaceutical presentation? oh, it's almost finished. well, here's a little incentive to help you finish it. $5,000? now, why are you so surprised? i told you that would be your bonus if we landed the bliss account. well, frankly, larry, i didn't think you'd really come through with it. hey, this check is dated a year from today. just a formality. we don't have the account yet. [ intercom buzzes ] woman: mr. bliss for mr. tate. junior or senior? senior. put him on. hello, mr. bliss? yes. fine, fine! i'll pick you up personally at 7:00. yes, stephens will have the material prepared. i am delighted, too, mr. bliss. see you later. your info was right.

and that's what we'll give him when we have dinner with him at your house at 7:30 tonight. why my house? because that whole new approach was your idea, wasn't it? now we've got to scrap it. look at all the effort i've wasted. so, the least you can do to make up for it is have the dinner at your house. larry, that's not a very good reason. how about it's gonna be there because i said so? that's a good reason. hey! i'm gonna have this check redrawn and dated for tomorrow. you son of a gun. take me to samantha. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] ohh! good grief! darrin, what are you trying to do -- give me whiplash? oh, come on, sam, that's old stuff for you. remember me? i'm a convert. yeah, well, what happened to that wonderful, sweet mortal i said "love, honor, and no witchcraft" to?

all that sacrificing, all that doing without is over. where's maurice? i'd like to tell him the good news. he has a skiing date in zermatt with jean-claude killy, but he'll be back before dinner. oh, i almost forgot. mr. bliss, senior and junior, are coming here for dinner tonight. that's the new account we're about to land, and larry has given me a $5,000 bonus. larry?! why would he do that? well, i had a little inside info that tied the ribbon on that account. "inside info"? how did you get that "inside info"? i attended a private board meeting, compliments of daddy. sam, from now on, you're gonna have everything you deserve and more. now listen to me, darrin. you may have given up, but i haven't. i enjoy taking care of my husband and my children in the everyday mortal way. i like things the way they are. if i didn't, i wouldn't be here. now, you married me for what i am,

sam, i've made you live like a mortal for so long that you're beginning to act like one. [ sighs ] okay, darrin, what would you like me to zap up for dinner? anything you want, sweetheart -- only make it fancy. don't you worry. i'll give you the witch's special. okay. well, i've got to be getting to the office. oh, uh, sam, no more of that, huh? [ ding! ] [ ding! ]

oh, hi, larry.

no place. a minute ago, i left the office, came right back in, and you were gone. now you're back again! mind over matter. i made you think i wasn't here. darrin, will you cut it out with this mind-over-matter bunk? you're giving me the creeps! larry, how do you think i got that "inside" information on the bliss account? you mean by using that mind-over-matter bunk -- uh, stuff -- you can tell what our clients are thinking? certainly. you want me to prove it? yeah. okay. uh, you go out and ask betty what she had for breakfast. now, she doesn't even have to tell you. just ask her to write it down on a piece of paper. and then what? then come back in here, and i'll tell you what she had for breakfast. [ chuckles ] boy, this is crazy, but if it works, i love it! betty, what'd you have for breakfast? well, i... [ ding! ]

just write it down on that piece of paper. mr. tate, are you all right? betty, just write down what you had for breakfast. why do you care what i had for breakfast? i don't care what you had for breakfast. i just want you to write it down on a piece of paper. mr. tate, i don't mean to be arbitrary, but isn't this a little...peculiar? betty, will you stop making a federal case out of this? i just want you to write down what you had for breakfast. it's not important at all, and nobody cares one way or another, so do as i tell you, or you're fired. yes, sir. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] orange juice, bacon, eggs -- straight up, sweet roll, and coffee. darrin, ours is a great partnership -- a wonderful wedding. with my greed and your talent, nothing can stop us.

gladly. with my greed and your talent, nothing can stop us! no, before that. ours is a great partnership -- a wonderful wedding. "wedding." like in marriage. yeah. uh, darrin, we've got to keep this... samantha: darrin, what happened to the sweet, wonderful mortal that i said "love, honor, and no witchcraft" to? i happen to enjoy taking care of my husband and children in the everyday mortal way. i like things the way they are. if i didn't, i wouldn't be here. [ ding! ] oh. hi, daddy. my darling daughter. samantha! tell your father what's wrong. oh. daddy, i'm worried. if you're right about darrin, that means he's changed. he hasn't changed -- he's matured. darrin: sam? how did you get home?

and i enjoyed every bumper-to-bumper minute of it. hi, honey. hi. you're behaving very strangely, darrin. you think so? could we have a little private talk? just as soon as i have a private talk with him. but don't go away. i don't want that much privacy. maurice -- i have a feeling it's going to be "sir" from here on in. could be. well, then, i'll have a martini. spanish gin, italian vermouth, and a greek olive. you'll have a martini the way i make one for you. and forget the witch's special for dinner. take six chicken pies out of the freezer. is something disturbing you, dustbin? yes. this. take back your hocus-pocus. your vocabulary could use a little polishing, but i think i get the idea. now, darrin, don't be ungracious. remember -- it does tell time, too. forget it. as a warlock named will once said, "lord, what fools these mortals be!"

"all the world's a stage, "and all the men and women merely players. "they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts." daddy, don't you think you're getting a little carried away? oh, sorry about that. i'm leaving the watch here. do with it what you will. as for me, i have a previous engagement for dinner, which i propose to make as soon as i leave. but i'll be back for the fun. "good night! good night! "parting is such sweet sorrow, that i shall say good night --" say "good night," daddy. good night, daddy. [ ding! ] "o what a rogue and peasant knave is he!" oh, darrin, i'm so proud of you. you stood up to daddy like you had nothing to lose. as long as i have you, i have nothing to lose. ah, marvelous -- just marvelous, mrs. stephens.

well, i'm sorry it wasn't a bit more elegant, but i really didn't have the time. nonsense, girl. i admire your lack of pretension. it's an excellent quality. thank you. [ ding! ] oh! daddy, i'm so glad you popped in! yes. uh, this is my father. mr. bliss sr., mr. bliss jr., and, uh, you remember larry tate. maurice. oh, please, don't let me interrupt. please go on. well, stephens, let's, uh, get down to business. what have you got on your mind? there he goes. i'll give you odds. darrin: before we get to the business at hand, why don't we make ourselves comfortable? that's dirty pool. gentlemen, we call this meeting to present an entirely new concept before you decide where to place your account. very well. i assume that. and frankly, we're delighted in view of mcmann & tate's superior reputation in the business.

go ahead, darrin. mr. bliss... i firmly believe... ...that we should present our original campaign, which we think is more modern and up-to-date. right. wrong! what are you talking about? when i went along with your conservative approach, it was based on my knowledge of what you wanted. how did you know what i wanted? call it instinct. "instinct." after careful consideration, i'm sorry to say that i find your advertising ideas unimaginative and pedestrian. darrin, what kind of a joke is this? now, now, tate, let the boy talk. at least he has the courage of his convictions. you got to give him that. that, and two weeks' notice. you were saying, stephens? well, mr. bliss, getting your account is not our main purpose.

that, in our opinion, will incr which, believe me, your present campaign will not do. darrin, about that two weeks' notice -- make it 24 hours -- starting yesterday. i don't know why, tate. he makes perfect sense to me. that's why i'm backing him 100%. i admire stephens' integrity. integrity is our hallmark. too bad i can't agree with his advertising concepts. darrin, if i've told you once, i've told you a thousand times, integrity doesn't feed the bulldog! well, i've taken up enough of your time. silas. come along. wait -- wait a minute, mr. bliss. stephens doesn't have the last word at mcmann & tate. i do. he isn't even with the company anymore. mr. bliss, please listen. [ door closes ] okay, maurice, your magic watch threw the bliss account right in my lap. okay, i've just thrown it out.

in mortal behavior. you're supposed to be motivated almost entirely by greed. don't you know that? daddy, why don't you admit that darrin's something special? some divine power prevents me. you have a lot to learn about human beings. i beg your pardon? daddy, i hope you're gonna take this little setback graciously. don't i always? now, daddy. daddy, a-are you through? i don't think so. i won't say another word. say something -- it would be a lot cheaper. that's what he calls "gracious"? for daddy, that's gracious.

and be off to mount olympus, where the gods and i will laugh to scorn your mortal folly! [ ding! ] [ thunder crashing ]

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good morning, sam. [ door closes ] where's darrin? upstairs, dressing. uh, will you tell him i'm here? darrin! yes? an ex-friend of yours is here! who? larry! tell him i've gone fishing.

i just dropped by to congratulate him. for what -- being fired? no -- for landing the bliss account. larry, it's a little early in the morning. what are you talking about? i got a telephone call from bliss junior first thing this morning, and he told me that his father had second thoughts. he said any man who could jeopardize an account as big as bliss pharmaceutical, and at the same time lose his job, has to have the best interests of the client at heart. sweetheart, isn't that wonderful? now, wait a minute. larry, are you putting me on? no. i've got the signed contract right here. there's, uh -- there's just one thing. what's that? well, bliss thought, uh, as a formality, he'd like your signature on the contract. well, how about that? yeah, how about that? even though i assured him that you'd be assigned to the account. me? oh, you fired me. that's right. you fired him.

i knew what you were up to. that's why i threw in the clincher and pretended to fire you. i think that was a touch that swung the deal. larry, you expect me to believe that? no. just sign the contract. darrin, you and i are an unbeatable team. thank you! and i'm a big enough man to admit that it was your genius that made this deal. ciao. [ laughs ] oh, that son of a gun. -- captions by vitac -- ww i would make a wonderful secretary for your general. oh, boy. hey, that's a great idea. she'd make a great secretary. oh, thanks. it would solve everything. i would be around your general all day long, and by the time i am finished, he will want to make you a general. i'm ordering you. don't go near general peterson. oh, but i get so tired waiting around all day for you.