this is the third time this month someone has written us a bad check. from now on i think we should have a rule that we're not gonna accept personal checks. - okay. - we'll take credit cards, we'll take traveler's checks, but we're not gonna take personal checks anymore. - will you back me up on this? - i just said okay. well, i know you say that, honey, but as soon as someone comes downstairs and asks if they can write us a personal check, you'll say "sure." no, i won't. just wait and see. the next person that walks down those stairs and wants to write a personal check, i'll say, "dream on, buddy." - morning. coffee fresh? - [ joanna ] yeah. ah. great. what are you doing? it's not for me. it's for my customers. listen, cindy's gonna be performing tomorrow at a charity rummage sale and she asked me to ask you guys if you wanted to donate anything. we'd love to. i've been wanting to clean out dick's closet anyway. - hm. - what about stephanie? i'm sure she's got a lot of things she could give.

could you come out here for a second? [stephanie] i guess so. what did you want? kirk just told us that cindy's gonna be performing at a charity rummage sale tomorrow and she wanted to know if you could donate anything. gee, i'd love to but i'm kind of broke right now. you don't have to give money. the idea of a rummage sale is to give things like clothes. - clothes? - well, what's the matter? well, i don't really think i have any clothes i want to give away. stephanie, i'm sure you could find something. well, i'll look. what kind of things do they want? usually they want practical things. that'll take some digging. thanks, guys. you know, i'm always telling cindy how classy you are. this makes it look like i'm telling the truth. [man] yee-haw! whoopee! yahoo! is that george? it's either george or there's a cattle drive going by.

they found a cure for being a hayseed? the greatest thing that's ever happened to me just happened. i'm gonna be a volunteer fireman. what's all this about, george? george, i didn't even know you wanted to be a fireman. oh, i've always wanted to be a volunteer fireman. i've had my name on the waiting list for years and today it came up. i'm finally going to do something that the people in this town aren't going to laugh at. george, what are you talking about? nobody laughs at you. oh, yeah? remember all that razzzzg i got last year when i said i saw a ufo? and then they put me in charge of the thanksgiving day parade and it rained? oh, let's face it, nobody in this town thinks i can do anything right. well, in their defense, i think you've given them good reason. well, not anymore. i finally found something i could really be good at. but isn't being a fireman dangerous? not in this town. we haven't had a fire since 1979. but that was a big one. where was it? at the fire station. what?

but they stopped the paper drive and they haven't had any trouble since. well, i'd better go get my work done so i'll have the whole day tomorrow to be at the firehouse. it's my orientation. yahoo! whoo-hoo! i can't believe how excited he is. yeah. you know, it's just the kind of thing he needs to boost his confidence, and i think just the kind of thing he'll be good at. well, needless to say, all of us with wood frame houses will be rooting for him. - morning. we'd like to check out now. - oh, fine. the place is beautiful. we just can't wait to come back again. thank you. we're glad you enjoyed it. how much do i owe you? two days, that's $70. will you take a check? - sure. - sure. [ honks ] hi, joanna.

oh, my gosh, i've never seen you in your outfit before. it's adorable. oh, thanks. it's just a little something i threw together. i love it! ooh, is this the stuff for the rummage sale? - yeah. stephanie! cindy's here. - [stephanie] coming. how long does it take you to look like that? about an hour. that's how long it takes me to look like this. - hi, cindy. - hi, stephanie. - here's your stuff. - oh, great. you've never seen cindy in her clown outfit before. what do you think? oh, that's right. you're in your outfit. wait a minute. this isn't what you're giving, is it? yeah, why? out of all the clothes in your closet, the only thing you could find to give to the poor was a strapless evening gown? well, i wanted to give more. i just couldn't find anything. besides, this happens to be a very fine dress. just because i could never find a pair of shoes to go with it... stephanie, the people we're giving these things to

they could shorten it and wear it for cocktails. you know, stephanie, if you don't want to give anything, it's fine. i don't want anybody to feel pressured. no, that's not it. listen. do you think it might pick up these poor people if i just loaned them something? stephanie, maybe i can help you find something. okay, but i'm telling you right now, i have looked and looked and i love everything. cindy, why don't you have a seat on the sofa? we'll only be a minute. okay. - hi, dick. - hi. it's cindy. oh. oh, right. charity rummage sale. joanna know you're here? yeah, she's upstairs with stephanie. you know, i'm curious, cindy, you... you never told us how you got to be a clown.

actually, it's just something i always really wanted to do. i, ever, uh, tell you i was a clown once? professionally? no, no, in a school fair when i was in college. did you, uh, juggle and do magic tricks? no, i never did anything like that. - what did you do? - i just stood... by the ticket booths, and when people would walk in, i'd make my pants fall down. that sounds funny. yeah, but as the day wore on, you know... it kinda got old. besides, my back began to hurt and i wasn't pulling up my pants as fast as they were coming in. all in all, i don't miss it much. well, i'm sorry, cindy, but apparently stephanie's right. there's nothing in her closet she can bear to part with. you're not gonna donate anything? well, i know everyone hates me and i'm sorry. well, you know, stephanie, if you're really serious

- give your time. - what do you mean? i mean that you could come down today and help volunteer. and that would get me off the hook? great! here. grab a box and you can come with me. - thanks, guys. - don't mention it. listen, i've never done anything like this before, so if i do something wrong, nobody's gonna yell at me, - are they? - oh, no, of course not. will i have to work a cash register or make change or anything? no, not if you don't want to. uh, what about standing on my feet for a long time? i don't really like to do that either. - don't you like cindy? - yeah, i do. i think she looks adorable in that outfit. you know, honey, maybe someday you should tell her about the time you were a clown. come on, joanna, i do have my pride. hi, guys. george, you look wonderful! - you think so? - oh, yeah. you look like such a... fireman! how did the initiation go?

and safety procedures and then i saw a pretty gruesome film called "our flaming foe." then hank, the regular fireman, took me out for an ice cream - and i came home. - sounds like a great day. yeah. you know, i don't mean to sound cocky, but when i walked down the street in this outfit, people looked at me a lot differently than they ever did before. - i bet. - oh, and guess what else? since they only have one permanent fireman, the volunteers have to take turns spending the night at the fire station and my turn is tonight. looks like tonight the town's in your hands, george. wow! this is gonna be one of the biggest nights of my life. let me acquaint you with some of the equipment that we use here at the station. here's the truck. that's about it for equipment. on to procedure... this is where the calls come in. someday calls in about a fire,

name, address, telephone number. that's right. and when you get the address, you find it on the map here. if it's in the red section, you sound the alarm once. if it's in the blue section, you sound the alarm twice. this lets the fireman know which way to head. now, if you get the system confused, don't worry about it. the town is flat. the guys can just follow the smoke. now here's the second most important rule. never use this telephone for personal calls. only for emergencies. we can't take the risk of tying it up. - got it. - good. now-- [ phone rings ] uh, excuse me. fire department. oh, hi, honey. oh, sure, yeah, i can pick it up on the way home, yeah. anything else? oh, good. okay, fine, see you soon. bye-bye. where was i? never use this phone for personal calls. that's right.

if there's a fire, do i drive the truck? no. you have to be a fireman for ten years before you get to drive the truck. why is that? that's just because. if somebody calls in about a fire, you sound the alarm, you open the garage doors, and you start up the truck. by the time she gets warmed up, i should be able to get here. then you'll drive the truck? that's right, because i've been a fireman for ten years. now if there's nothing else, george, i'll be running along. left my number right on the board here. if you need anything at all, just give me a call. - right. - but not on that phone. - right. - good luck, george. good to have you with us.

[ siren ] [ siren stops ] utley. calling utley! this is utley. don't worry. i've got everything under control.

[ sighs ] [ sighs ] oh, shoot. oh, where did they go? oh, there they are. oh, no! ohh... uh, hello, dick. this is george.

did the hanger work? no, and now i can't even hang up my coat. this is terrible. i can't believe i did this. george, there has to be an extra set of keys around somewhere. i looked everywhere and i can't find any. why don't you call hank? i'm sure he has an extra set. no, no! no, if i call hank, he'll know i lost the keys and they'll probably fire me. george, you're a volunteer. they can't fire you. then they'll probably kill me. wait a minute. all we need is to move the truck. - how? - maybe we can push it. uh, george, put it in neutral. okay. - ready? - yeah. - push. push. - [ groaning ] is it moving? i don't think so. i wonder how much this weighs. eight and a half tons. that's our problem.

wait a minute, george. we don't have to move the truck. all we have to move is the tire. the tire is attached to the truck, dick. i know that, george. maybe we can jack it up and take the tire off. oh, of course. why didn't i think of that? george, you're just nervous. i guess you're right. i want so much to be a good fireman that i can't think in an emergency. all right, you see if you can find a jack. oh, wait a minute. i've got a big jack at home in the garage. great. you go home and get it and i'll wait here. no, you can't wait here, dick, you're not a fireman. all right, you wait here and i'll get the jack. - here's your jack, george. - oh, good. - did you get the lug wrench? - yeah, it's coming. uh, george, i know i promised that i wouldn't tell anybody but i couldn't get the jack in the car by myself and besides, we need someone-- who did you tell?

kirk, hand me the lug wrench. you put the jack under the truck. george, you can help me loosen these lug nuts. couldn't you have asked joanna? i just want you to know, george, you have ruined my saturday night. i'm sorry, kirk. i didn't do this on purpose. i just hate wasting my time at this stupid firehouse when i could be hanging around the rummage sale - waiting for cindy. - [ phone rings ] i'll get it. - turn harder, george. - i'm trying, dick. - this thing is stuck. - who put these on here anyway? [ straining ] it's no use. maybe this is the way things are meant to be. - you mean tight? - no. you know how they say some men are destined to be president? maybe i was destined to not be a fireman. george, try to look at the bright side - anybody who has had as much bad luck as you have is bound to be due for some good luck. maybe you're right. - there's a fire. - what? what? there can't be a fire. there hasn't been a fire since 1979!

dick, what are we going to do? - george, don't panic. - we have to panic. someone's house is burning down! all right, sound the alarm. where's the-- where's the address? you guys start getting coats and hats. - for what? - to fight the fire. how can we fight the fire if we haven't got a truck? - we'll take dick's car. - wait a minute! get the hoses. get the ladder. hold it. come on, dick, don't just stand there, hurry. we can't fight a fire in an oldsmobile! i'll just throw stuff in the back seat. george, don't you think you should be calling hank? no time now. i'll call him from the fire. [ glass breaking ] - what are you doing? - loading up. don't you at least roll down the windows? what about blankets? - why would we want blankets? - to smother the fire. well, what am i supposed to do, go find a linen closet? grab something! [ siren continues ] all right.

well, if you do hear anything, let me know, shirley. - [ joanna ] okay, thanks. - hi. hi. thank goodness someone's home. - what's the matter? - george ran into some kind of trouble at the firehouse and dick went to help him and he hasn't come back yet. - did you call down there? - there's no answer. i don't know what's going on. i'm sorry we weren't back sooner but we stopped and got a bite to eat. i'm not worried. i'm sure they're all right. how was the rummage sale? it was probably the most moving experience i've ever had. - a rummage sale? - i've never seen such an outpouring of love and clothing in my life. [ kirk ] all i'm saying is that my pants are ruined. george is paying for it. [ george ] and you're paying for the broken window in the car. oh, yeah? you wannhear something? no, i'm not. there you are. why are you dressed like that? where have you been? we were fighting a fire. [ gasps ] you fought a fire? believe me, i would have rather been at the rummage sale. oh, no, but i'm proud of you.

what happened? i made another dumb mistake, that's what happened. no, you didn't. this man performed a giant act of courage. yeah, disguised as a fit of panic. he didn't panic. he went into a smoke-filled kitchen not knowing what danger was waiting for him. what danger? it was a blazing filet of sole. he didn't know it was fish. the point is, it was brave of him to even go in there in the first place. then explain to me why he tossed a burning skillet in the backyard and then threw himself on top of it. it was a natural reaction. to a hand grenade. not to someone's dinner. kirk's right. i may have looked brave but the whole thing wouldn't have happened if i hadn't messed everything up. let's face it. i'm no fireman. i'm going down tomorrow and resign. george! don't feel that way. you did the best you could. yeah, i'm not sure that i understand everything that happened but it sounds to me like you were a hero.

we're talking about me, right? okay, it's true. while i might have been smarter about putting the fire out - instead of throwing myself on top it i would have used dick's coat - the point is you were thinking about other people while i was thinking about myself. and you. you were brave. and if anybody asks me, that's what i'm gonna tell them. - gee, thanks, kirk. - excuse me. oh, hank. uh, joanna, stephanie, cindy, this is hank dawson, our permanent fireman. - oh, hi. - nice to meet you. - is everybody okay here? - yeah, we're fine. hank, i'm sorry about everything that happened. i'd turn in my badge except i never got one. what are you talking about? you didn't do anything wrong. see? and he's a fireman. well, i lost the keys to the fire truck. oh, we lose keys to that fire truck all the time. - you do? - oh, sure. with so many volunteers, guys take them home with them,

isn't that kind of risky? i mean, anyone could come in and drive off with the fire truck. no, no, you can't drive the truck till you've been a fireman for ten years. listen, george, i'm really sorry about this. i had the badge in my pocket all day long. i forgot all about it. there you go. george, congratulations. oh, here-here! i've gotta be running along, everybody. nice meeting you. good night. [ overlapping "good nights" ] - now how do you feel? - oh, i think i'm gonna cry. - oh, that's sweet. - no, that's pain.

hi, george. well, you're out early this morning. what have you got there? ohh. just cosmetics. where do you keep all that stuff? anyplace i can find. would you like me to make something for you to keep all that in? you mean like a vanity? would you, george? sure. i'd be glad to. it wouldn't have to be anything fancy. it would just have to be a place to hold my moisturizers, mud packs, foundations, powders, blushers, mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow, curler, lipsticks and glosses. is all that on there now? most of it.

where's, uh, where's joanna? she's in the basement doing the laundry. honey, would you come up here for a second? in a minute. as long as you're doing this, do you think you could build me a swivel stool so i can do this? what are you guys, talking about? george is going to build me a vanity. isn't that great? stephanie, don't you think you've put a little too much emphasis on, you know, how you look? well, maybe, but what am i supposed to do? i mean, nobody's ever said to me, "gee, stephanie, you're smart" or "gee, stephanie, you're fun to be with." all i've ever been complimented on are my looks. frankly, dick, being attractive can be a real burden. this is true. you don't know how lucky you are. what did you want, honey? oh, i have some good news. paul frazier called me. he's the host of "book talk," and he wants me to be his guest sunday. you're kidding. that's wonderful.

yeah, i don't think i've ever seen it. well, it's a local television program where they interview writers. about what? about what they're written. no wonder i've never seen it. well, i'm proud of you. i think it's great. the most beautiful girl in the world picks my ties out, cooks me dinner is a winner hi, guys. everybody-- dick: kirk. the most beautiful girl in the world cooks me dinner i take it cindy cooked dinner for you last night. it was unbelievable. we had veal scaloppini, carrots vichy, creamed spinach, chantilly potatoes, and french chocolate mousse. but then, i guess when you're in love, anything tastes good. so what's new with you guys? we just found out dick's going to be on "book talk" this sunday. "book talk." is that the show that's on at 4:00 in the morning right after "amish aerobics"? no, it happens to be a very highly thought of program on sunday.

it's a filler between the end of the football game and the news. certainly sounds like something people take seriously. kirk, it doesn't matter what time it's on. it's an honor that dick has been recognized as a fine writer. or a fine filler. well, i know i'm going to watch. me, too. kirk: not me. why not? because i'm dating cindy. i have a life now. well, i think the least you can do is take a few minutes out to watch dick. this is true. can i watch it over here? my tv's broken. of course. we'll make it a party. we'll pop some popcorn, have some hot cider, and make an afternoon of it. boy, that sounds great. would you like me to bring something? sure. what would you like to bring? cindy. dick: the best part is you just remove the two screws, and it becomes completely portable so you can put it anywhere. dick, this is fascinating. we're talking to dick loudon,

and we'll be right back after this commercial word. he's doing great, isn't he? i can't believe cindy had to work today. kirk, would you stop pouting? she's entertaining at a child's birthday party. this is what i hate about dating a professional clown. they're always busy on weekends. that should be my time with cindy. kirk, you're being selfish. i'm being selfish? i'm not the one who picked today to turn 6. shh. the commercial is almost over. well, big whip. kirk, if you don't want to watch, why don't you just go home? oh, no. if i stay here, at least i know there's someone more bored than i am. who's that? the guy who's talking to dick. [theme] [laughing] welcome back. we're talking to dick loudon,

which you can pick up at your neighborhood bookstore. no, it's not in the bookstores. it's in the hardware stores. oh. locally, it can be found at handy sam the hardware man. well, thank you, dick. you've been a wonderful guest. i'm sorry the game ran long and we didn't have more time to talk. well, you know what they say: sometimes a man says more when he doesn't say anything. oh. so true, so true. well, that closes the cover on another sunday afternoon. this is paul frazier for "book talk," saying keep reading. [theme] man: clear! thanks, dick. i really enjoyed talking to you. i like your book, too. oh, thank you. nice program, paul. oh, thanks. dick, this is our producer michael harris. oh. how do you do? nice show. thank you. if you two will excuse me,

dick, can you spare a moment? uh, sure. i like the way you handled yourself out there. you're witty, you're articulate, you think quick on your seat. i was impressed. thank you. i mean it. you've got poise, charm, and intelligence, and you seem to possess a keen insight into human nature. you're no slouch yourself. let me get right to the point. paul is leaving us. in fact, uh, this was his last show. we've been looking around for a replacement. i think you'd be perfect. me? why not? uh, don't get me wrong. i'm flattered, but i-- i-- i don't have the time. well, this doesn't take much time. all you need to do is schedule a guest and read a book a week. you do read, don't you? you, uh, you really think i-- i could do it? not only do i think you could do it, i think you'd be terrific at it. the show could really use a personality like yours, not to mention it would be an opportunity to meet and talk to other writers.

and you can get anybody you want because it's your show. well, there are a few writers out there i'd-- i'd like to talk with. why don't you give it a try? okay. what the heck. great. you know, i was-- i was honored just being a guest on the show. i never thought that i'd-- i'd be a host. uh, carson better hope i never do "the tonight show." that's wit, right? right. love it. well, see you next sunday. uh, what-- what time should i be here? just make sure you're here by the two-minute warning. hal, do we have any danish? do you want me to pick up anything on the way? okay. well, i'll see you in about 20 minutes. bye-bye. oh, hi, dick. something i can do for you? i just came over to say

what?

uh, paul, i-- i'm sorry. i-- i was under the impression that-- that leaving was-- was your idea. no. uh, don't-- don't leave yet. i'll be right back. well, check with dave and get back to me. uh, excuse me. oh, hi, dick. i thought paul knew he was leaving. you didn't tell him, did you? yes. oh. how'd he take it? he's crushed. who wouldn't be? look, i-- i can't take this job. oh, dick, listen, you don't understand. paul is leaving whether you decide to be the new host or not. this decision was made long before we spotted you. yeah, but still... he's been here 15 years. i think they just feel it's time for a new face. look, it's not even my decision. this comes straight from the president.

[blowing] and you're sure there's no way that paul could get his job back? dick, they're already out there scraping his name off the parking space. believe me, you're not squeezing anybody out. you're filling a vacancy. i still don't like the idea. but you will do it? i-- i guess so. terrific. but i'm, uh-- i'm dedicating next week's show to paul. that's a super idea. see you next week. paul, i'm, uh, i'm sorry. oh, then it's true? uh, i'm afraid so. but i've been doing this show for 15 years. who are they going to get to replace me? uh, ac-actually, they-- they mentioned something about me.

i guess if a man can build a barbecue, he can host a talk show. oh, look. you'll give me some time to clear out my desk, won't you? oh, sure. you know, take all the time you need. elliot, you're a literary agent. you must know some authors. it's not timbuktu. it's vermont. i don't care who you get. just get somebody. trouble? nobody wants to do the show. i thought you were going to get norman mailer. i was. he turned me down. you talked to norman mailer? i talked to his agent's secretary. she turned me down. well, honey, the only reason i took this job was-- was to meet and talk with authors. i thought they'd be as excited as i am to be on the show. what are you going to do? i'll just hope that elliot can come up with somebody.

well, is there anything i can do to help? can you write a book by sunday? i have got great news. guess who's going to sponsor your show. oh, lord. you would not believe how cheap it is to advertise on that program. i don't want to hear. are you sure? it's funny. why are you doing this, kirk? it's a perfect tie-in. the host of "book talk" is my neighbor and my best friend. would you quit calling me your best friend? this is not the kind of program where you-- you hawk hamburgers. dick, i realize it's a classy show, but i intend to do a classy commercial. that's why i want joanna to be my spokeswoman for the caf\. me? joanna? honey, i really don't think we both have to be that surprised. i think you'd be perfect. you're the most sophisticated woman i know. i am? yeah. what do you think, dick? well, honey, it's up to you, but, i mean, you really want to be seen representing a greasy, crummy caf\? what would i wear? anything you want.

that kirk is going to do something embarrassing, but if i were there, i could make sure that didn't happen. honey, i told you, if you want to do it, it's up to you. well, okay. if everybody really thinks i'd be good. great. we have to shoot the commercial on sunday. sunday's fine. wait a minute. neither of us is going to be here on sunday. i'd better tell george and stephanie. oh, by the way, they say tv adds 10 pounds to you, so you might want to drop a few beforehand. you haven't seen the producer of the show, have you? hal? have you seen the producer of the show? have a good show, dick. oh, michael, wait a minute. where have you been? i've been trying to reach you all week. you never returned my calls. didn't i? sorry. uh, what's the problem? well, you never told me how hard it was to get guests.

i've been on the phone all week calling people. gee, i hope you got somebody. yeah, i did. i don't know how good he is. i got him at the last minute. what's his book? "the complete history of the universe." sounds good. what's the problem? this is it. well, don't worry. the game will probably go into overtime. you'll just be on for a few minutes anyway. have a good one. two minutes, mr. loudon. have you-- have you seen my guest? that's starting to hurt. excuse me. mr. loudon? yes. my name is lloyd menninger. i'm supposed to be your guest today. my-- my guest's name is donald boone. oh, apparently, mr. boonly, mr. boone couldn't make it, and i'm supposed to be a replacement. oh, great. just what i needed. i'm sorry if that's a problem. no, no. that's all right. i just haven't read your book.

"up the amazon," by colonel lloyd menninger. you're a colonel? yes. air force, but i'm retired. ah. what's-- what's the book about? it's about a canoe trip i took up the amazon a couple of years ago. one minute, mr. loudon. oh. okay. uh, do you think you can talk about this for 10 or 15 minutes? oh, i can talk about this for days. great. thank you. okay, i'll, uh, i'll introduce you, and then i'll say "tell us about your trip, colonel," and then you-- you take it from there. fine. okay, when i give you your cue, read this. in 5, 4, 3, 2. [theme] hi. i'm dick loudon, and this is "book talk." for those of you who are used to seeing paul frazier sitting in this chair, i should tell you that paul has decided to leave and go on to what i'm sure

doing something else. ahem. just a-- just a personal note. good luck, paul. this one's for you. my guest in the studio today is colonel lloyd menninger. he's written a fascinating book called, uh, "up the amazon." colonel, tell us about your trip. thank you, dick. i've always been fascinated by stories about the amazon, so when i retired from the air force, i arranged for some guides and canoes, and, after months of planning, set out to travel from the mouth to the source of the amazon. the whole trip was a medley of pain and pleasure. and why is that, colonel? well, there were times the mosquitoes were so thick, we couldn't see each other. and sometimes the air was so heavy, we felt we were drinking it instead of breathing it. and yet the sheer spectacle

unspoiled by any man, was worth every inconvenience. now, did you get to the source of the river? not quite, dick. about five months into the trip, we decided to explore a tributary hundreds of miles from any civilization. a day or two into this side trip, we pulled the canoes over to the bank and decided to do some exploring on foot. we walked for several miles when we came upon a clearing in the jungle that had some of the most breathtaking scenery i think i've ever seen. why don't you tell us about it, colonel? well, dick, it was a beautiful primeval valley, filled with hundreds of varieties of exotic vegetation and, perhaps most amazing, a herd of prehistoric dinosaurs. uh, what?

some docile brontosauri, flying pterodactyls, and, of course, the king of these great beasts, the carnivorous tyrannosaurus rex. needless to say, we were shocked. amazed... simultaneously amazed and terrified, we were torn between running for our lives and running for our cameras. uh, are you-- are you trying to tell us that-- that you found dinosaurs in south america? correct, dick. of course, i would not be making these claims without documented proof. i have here an actual unretouched photo clearly showing the existence of these giant reptiles. i-- i can't make out anything in that photo.

wait-- wait a minute. i thought you said you made the trip by canoe. we did, dick, but we were graciously transported aloft to take this photograph by the extraterrestrials who live in the area. extraterrestrials? that's right. they are actually ball-shaped and communicate through telepathy. don't go away. not that you would. we'll-- we'll be right back after this-- this word from our sponsor. and we're into commercial. all right, okay. great guest, dick. michael harris. terrific. thank you.

m-michael, could-- could i talk to you for a second? after the show, dick. just look at the monitor, dick. i'll cue you when the commercial's over. hi, friends. kirk devane, owner of the minuteman caf\. how much would you pay for this delicious, juicy all-beef hamburger patty on a wonderful white bread bun? well, don't answer yet. what if i threw in a very green lettuce leaf, an entire onion slice, and some mm-mm lip-smacking pickles? now how much would you pay? well, don't say anything because at the minuteman we also give you your choice of condiments: mustard or ketchup. now, you might expect to pay as much as $15 or $20 for a meal like this at some restaurants. but at the minuteman, the monster meal on a bun is only $3.29. you heard me right. $3.29. and they are irresistible. why, this lady here-- turn around--

yes, a perfectly attractive woman willing to eat herself into obesity for my burgers. and you will, too, once you've had a monster meal on a bun at kirk devane's minuteman caf\, next door to the stratford inn, owned by your "book talk" host dick loudon. back to you, dick. we're back. cue dick! right. we're, uh, talking with retired air force colonel lloyd menninger... who has written a book called "up the amazon," in which he purports to have seen... dinosaurs and aliens... living somewhere in brazil. colonel, uh, i-- i'm sure that you'll have to admit that you've made some extraordinary claims,

it-- it seems to me that, uh, if there were dinosaurs and alien beings on the banks of the amazon, we would have heard about it before this. well, not from me, dick. i've been in hiding. hiding? correct, dick. the government is trying to kill me. obviously, when i say government, i mean specifically the cia. they know that if this information were to get out, it would panic the public. but... you're-- you're not hiding now. well, dick, i didn't feel i could pass up an opportunity to speak on television. i've been trying for months to tell my story over the airwaves. but as we all know, the three major networks as well as pbs and most cable channels

okay, i'm, uh-- [ahem]-- i'm afraid that's all the time we have for today. four more minutes, dick. not for me, pal. this is dick loudon for "book talk" saying goodbye... and please try to forget this.