[ music ] >> here's johnny! [ applause ] wow! all right. that's very nice. folks, i tell ya what. hey, hey, hey. folks, you gotta simmer-- you're gonna give me performance anxiety. [ laughter ] >> i know your type. you're hot for me now, but tomorrow morning, you won't

[ laughter ] >> you sound good tonight. twenty-seven years and i still get suckered into coming out here every night by that big welcome. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> uh, before we begin tonight, i'd like to remind you that a laugh is a terrible thing to waste. [ laughter ] >> did they leave? [ laughter ] >> well, uh, did you hear the startling news today-- and i think we knew this all along. today, "the new england journal of medicine" came out and said that oat bran has no special cholesterol-lowering abilities. >> right. [ cheering ] >> it's true. everybody is shocked. today i saw wilford brimley-- [ laughter ] >> pigging out on pork links at tail o' the pup. [ applause ] >> yeah. nothing. has nothing to do with it. i'm not making any of this-- this has nothing to do with lowering your cholesterol.

a commercial today. he was a little on the defensive. he said today, "all right. so it's not the right thing to do." [ laughter ] >> but i got two ex-wives and i need the gig. so-- [ laughter ] >> but i tell ya, if you have oat bran at home, do not throw it away. it makes an excellent grout for bathroom tile. [ laughter ] >> did you ever try oat bran? how many of you've tried it? come on. be honest. [ cheering ] >> you could put a shag rug in a blender and it'd be more digestible than oat bran. it is-- now what they say-- i love this. they say, "it's still good to eat oat bran because it says it exercises the colon." [ laughter ] >> big deal. so does a bowl of styrofoam chips and milk. [ laughter ] >> is this on? or did this go off? [ laughter ] >> does the sound go away for some reason?

>> just a little bit, yes. it's not your fault. >> what? >> it's not your fault. >> well, i've had the-- >> those are good jokes. i'm laughing like hell over here. [ laughter ] >> well-- [ applause ] >> that's why you've been highly paid all these years. [ laughter ] >> what was i talking about? oat bran? >> yeah. >> oh, we brought in the one from k-mart now. [ laughter ] >> but i was shocked when i read that today. they found out that oat bran is no more effective at lowering cholesterol than otherrains. now that confirms the doubts i had before. now didn't the secretariat die at 19? the-the horse. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> big race horse who ate bran all his life. died at 19, and i'm going to join him very soon. [ laughter ] >> you know what i hope that

>> what is that? >> [ laughs ] well, i'm gonna tell ya. i hope they find out in the future that the only thing that lowers cholesterol is a big truck stop cheeseburger. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> wow. now here's another report you might not find interesting either. uh, in the paper today, they report that coffee and the caffeine improves your sex life after 60 years of age. [ laughter ] >> that's true. now i know it's true, because last night fred de cordova-- [ laughter ] >> had himself hooked up to an iv of maxwell house. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> how many of you saw that in the news? i'm not making it up. the caffeine for some reason improves the sex life. so-- >> keeps ya awake.

[ laughter ] >> i'm busting my [deleted] out here, and he gets the big laugh. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> look, i was gonna say, "it keeps you awake." [ laughter ] >> coffee improves your se-- you ought to be glad to hear that, because your honeymoon suite's gonna be kind of crowded. just you, joanne, and the hills brothers. [ laughter ] >> uh, let's see. what else is in the news? stand by in case i need ya again. [ laughter ] >> here's some rather startling news. they held a-- was it tele-- was it natpe convention? >> yeah. >> the television convention they held in new orleans. geraldo rivera came out and made a startling announcement. he announced that no longer will he do shows that feature deviant sexual behavior or kinkiness.

[ groaning ] >> it may be true. i saw his show today. it was, uh, florence henderson and irene dunne. [ laughter ] >> a show entitled, "women who julienne their potatoes." [ laughter ] >> one, uh-- one reason-- [ laughs ] now one reason geraldo gave for changing the show is because of his image. because of the nasty jokes that johnny carson has been doing. >> all: awww. >> folks, that's me. the george bush of comedy. i make a surgic-- [ laughter ] >> i make a surgical strike, get my man, and i'm out of there. anything? [ laughter ] >> now how many of you know that, uh-- i'm sweating a lot right now. how many of you know that? [ applause ] >> no. did you read that vice president quail's trip to latin america

he was supposed to go there. they scaled it back because they said the latin leaders did not want him. originally, dan was set to visit mexico, venezuela, and honduras. then it was revised to just honduras. now dan says he's just gonna make a courtesy call on the maitre d' at taco bell. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> and i thank you for your support. [ laughter ] >> here's a thing. "the wall street journal" reports today they have a 900 number. you know what it's for now? you won't believe this. elvis sightings. [ laughter ] >> you can call the number to find out the latest elvis sighting or to report one if you sight elvis. >> yeah. >> gee, life in america's getting better and better all the time, isn't it? and if it's successful, they're gonna put a new 900 number in. the jimmy hoffa hotline. [ laughter ] >> okay. i don't wanna keep you much longer. [ laughter ]

more important things to do. uh, we-we got a good show tonight. we have ron silver. tonight. [ applause ] that tremendous response to his name. we have one of the great football players of all time. mr. art donovan is here tonight. [ applause ] >> yeah. and from the san diego zo-- or zoo. [ laughter ] >> san diego-- how can you mispronounce zoo? [ laughter ] >> well, tonight i can do it. from the san diego zoo, miss joan embery with some fascinating animals. so stay where you are and we'll be right back.

[ music ] [ music ] [ cheering ] >> yeah. hey, there. sure. i know. okay. [ laughs ] >> now, we'll-- >> what? >> honestly, it's not your fault, 'cause the mike did fade out in-- during the monologue. >> something did happen. >> it did fade out. yeah. >> i had no presence up there. for a moment, i didn't think that the audience could hear. >> yeah. >> and then i thought, "oh, maybe they can." [ laughter ] >> yeah, there are many nights like that, you know. but this was really technical. this was not material. >> well, let's-let's-let's--

>> yes. >> who do we have on tonight. we have art donovan who played for the baltimore colts, i think, for about twelve years. >> one of the great football players. and joan embery from the san diego zoo. now one night we talked on the show about children's books. we talked about the, uh, who was it? >> yes. >> did she write that? updated it. did you know that? >> yes, i do. >> they-- what? >> i do. i have a four-year-old. i have to keep track of these things. >> yeah, well, they've changed-- apparently they can do that because they're in the public domain. they can rewrite those books. we have a book called "the equal rhymes amendment." that's true. and the author, doug larche, has rewritten about 50 classic nursery rhymes. and he says in the introduction-- this is true. "the study of nursery rhymes reveals a male dominated fairy land filled with sexism, violence, and insensitivity to the human condition." and if you go back and look at some of the old nursery rhymes and stories, that is true. so he rewrote some them. came up with stuff like this. do you remember "peter, peter,

>> here's his rewritten version. "peter, peter, pumpkin eater had a wife and wished to keep her. treated her with fair respect. she stayed with him and hugged his neck." [ laughter ] >> kind of sweet, right? >> very nice. >> what? >> very nice. >> yes, it is. >> for example, did you know in the original "snow white," the stepmother is forced to dance in red-hot iron shoes until she dies? that's true. in the original "cinderella," the stepsisters' eyes are pecked out by doves. and in the earlier versions of "little red riding hood," she is eaten alive as a fitting punishment for disobedience. those were the original versions of those children's stories. now the thing that bothered me, has always bothered me, is not the violence, but they're kind of out of date. so we wanted to update some of the nursery rhymes and kinda get 'em into the '90s, so they have some relevance. >> right. sure. >> would you like to hear some of these? >> we would love to. >> of course you would. [ applause ] >> well, you're going to

[ laughter ] >> "mary had a little lamb." you remember that one? >> i remember that. >> of course you do. "mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white and wavy. it followed her to cooking school, and now it's lamb with gravy." you see, it's an updated-- [ laughter ] >> "humpty dumpty sat on the berlin wall. humpty dumpty had a great fall. now all the king's subjects, from bottom to top, are hawking his pieces at ten bucks a pop." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> "georgie bushy, puddin' and pie--" [ laughter ] >> "grabbed manuel and made him cry. when manuel cried, "help me, please," the vatican said, "non capisce." [ laughter ] >> all right. i knew if we hung in there we'd get you with the good stuff. "jack be nimble, jack be leggy. jack go to denmark,

[ laughter ] >> "little jack horner sat in the corner eating a fruitcake slice. tried to put in his thumb to pull out a plum and broke both his wrist and his knife." or-- >> or? >> how about "pease porridge hot"? "pease porridge cold. pease porridge in the pot nine days old would still taste better than oat bran." [ applause ] >> "jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a white wine spritzer. they both laid down for half an hour, now none of her dresses fits her." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> "diddle diddle dumpling, my son john had three houses, but they be gone." [ laughter ] >> let's see. remember that one?

yeah. >> of course you do. "climbed up the water spout. till down the drain came acid rain and washed his guts right out." [ laughter ] >> these are really updated. "old mother fennel went to the kennel to get her poor doggie a check-up. but they mixed up the charts and cut off some parts. now he's only a he from the neck up." and that's-- [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> "jack spratt could eat no fat. his wife, no zucchini. they liked to take off all their clothes and smear on beanie weenie." [ laughter ] >> class stuff. this is class stuff. >> yeah. >> what? >> proud. >> are you? you should be proud. we have a couple more here. "hickory dickory dock. prime time live is at ten o' clock. sawyer's astute, witty and cute, but donaldson looks like spock." sam donaldson. [ laughter ] >> yeah. closing with a big one? >> what? >> closing with a big one? >> up till now i thought so, but-- [ laughter ] >> i'm wavering a little bit on this.

and lincoln snl. for .02 billion squandered all to hell. when the bill was open, a guy named charles was sued for it. but the taxpayers usually will end up getting screwed for it." [ laughter ] >> that's the last one. had enough of that. i'm getting out of show business. [ cheering ] >> you seem to be very warm. >> i'm getting out of show business. [ laughter ] >> you are show business. [ laughs ] >> well, i thought i was show business, but i'm getting too tough. just too tough. and not much fun. [ laughter ] >> animals, they may just go for. we have-- we have animals. you like animals? >> all: yes! >> we'll be bringing stuff out here till we hook ya. [ laughter ] >> okay. let's, uh-- why don't we

do the rest of the show? >> no, no. no. >> no. >> joan embery will be out. >> we'll be right back after this.

[ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] >> here we are. [ laughs ] yeah. okay. well. one of the best times we all have on the show is when-- [ laughs ] is when miss joan embery drops by from the san diego zoo with some unusual animals. let's see what she's brought tonight. would you welcome miss joan embery? [ music ] [ applause ] >> he's a big boy. >> oh, what a beautiful, uh-- >> this is dakota-- >> dakota? >> and he is a canada lynx from our rare and wild show at our-- >> a lynx? >> san diego wild animal park. >> l-y-n-x, right? >> l-y-n-x. and they are incredible because they have been designed for living in the snow, and they have snowshoes built-- >> is that--?

the feet on this. >> huge feet. he's nine months old. >> look at the feet. >> and he's only half grown. he weighs about, oh, 18-20 pounds, but they can weigh up to 40 pounds. >> that was not out of the wild. this was raised domestically, so he's-- >> this one was born in captivity, and-- >> could i pet him? >> yes. he's going to come see you. >> oh. >> and the tufts that you see on his ears-- >> wow. yup. >> actually are like antennas. they help him to hear. >> uh-huh. >> [ laughs ] he's looking for his toys. >> what is his toy? >> we have one right here. >> oh, look at this. isn't that beautiful. >> let me show you how agile he is. he's purring. >> all right. he's purring, yes. >> really loudly. >> turn around. >> hi. turn around here. >> oh, go here. what's his name? >> dakota. >> look at dakota. >> dakota. here. >> look how quick they move. is he declawed at all or-- >> no. he has all his claws. and they're sheathed. and if he wants to capture his prey, which is mostly snowshoe hare, then he uses those, uh, claws to grasp them. 'cause they're also very quick. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> he's looking around. >> notice how he goes right for it. >> we have some lights down there on that-- the lights may be bothering him a little bit. >> now their population is directly related to

lots of snowshoe hare, their population rises because there's lots of game. >> yeah. >> and then, as they knock off the population-- >> that's not an endangered species, is it? >> he is not. >> oh. >> but in europe he is, where he's been hunted excessively for their beautiful fur for coats. >> this is not something you have for a house pet, is it? >> i would not suggest it, no. they're very active. >> can you see a mouse come out at night seeing this? [ laughter ] >> wow. >> very active. and they would destroy your furniture-- >> yeah. >> because they like-- they'll mark their territory by-by actually raking their claws on the trees. >> yeah. >> and if you had them in the house, they'd be doing that to your furniture. >> that's a beautiful animal. that's a beautiful animal. okay. >> [ laughs ] okay. that was-- >> okay, we'll take him-- we'll take him back. >> come on. >> go ahead, dakota. >> go ahead, dakota. we'll see you later. >> look at those feet. >> a lynx. [ applause ] >> i don't know what she brought tonight. >> oh, boy. >> what the hell is that?

>> well, we have a marvelous reptile collection, and not everybody, umm, sees them up close. they often-- >> i thought they were-- i thought they were stuffed. >> they often bypass them looking for the large mammals like lions and tigers and bears. >> what-what is this? >> that is a chameleon. and that one is from kenya. this one's from madagascar. and they are arboreal lizards that come from-- in the most part-- tropical areas. from africa, madagascar, and there are a few other specimens. what we're going to try and do is show you the most unique feature about them. they have eyes on turrets so they can look forward and backwards and the same time, which helps them to hunt. >> right. >> and the horns are prevalent on the males. but the most incredible thing is that they have a tongue that's longer than the length of their body, which they use for capturing insects, because they're slow moving-- >> they're sticky-- sticky on the end, you mean? >> sticky on the end. there's a sticky pad. so it's folded accordion-like in their mouth. >> uh-huh. >> and what he want to try and do is see if we can entice one of them to actually eat for you. >> all right. >> now this one is quite large, so he eats--

>> he eats-- uh, this is a, uh, cockroach. [ laughter ] >> a cockroach? he's watching it. >> look. look-look at the tongue. [ screaming ] [ cheering ] [ applause ] >> wow. >> now it-- >> can you see him at the drive-by window of mcdonald's? [ laughter ] >> here's your burger-- aah! [ laughter ] >> and he makes pretty quick work of it. now so what they do is their eyes will both focus straight forward. [ laughter ] >> their eyes will focus forward and then-- then they-they focus on it and that tongue just will go out and, in his case, he can reach about two feet.

>> what i need to do-- can you hold him for one-- i-i-i need to release this a little bit. we put a rubber band on it, so that it wouldn't get away back-backstage. >> how often-- how many times a day does he eat? >> there we go. he-- well, they'll eat a couple of these every day. you wanna try another one? >> yeah, no. i don't think so. >> we have smaller ones for yours. let's see if the little guy will eat here. this one i don't mind grabbing quite so much. picking up cockroaches is not really my favorite-- >> no. >> pastime. >> i can see why. >> ah. >> try to get a hold of it. okay. [ laughs ] [ laughter ] >> there we go. let's see if this guy will do it. >> does he see it? >> it's kind of better if it moves. he's watching you. see the one eye pointed backwards? >> he's looking back over here. >> now this-- the one that we're trying to feed--

>> the small one here is a live bearer, but that one lays eggs. >> he's looking back here. backwards. >> he's watching you. >> over here. over-- >> he can actually watch you and watch this cockroach at the same time. >> watch this. over here. that's it. >> here you go. here it is. here it is. see it's not moving, maybe, enough. >> oh. well. maybe he's just not hungry. >> let's try this one. here. you want another one? notice the prehensile tale wrapped around the branch. here he goes. [ laughter ] >> now he's-he's watching me too. now the foot structure on this animal is really incredible. it's just made for trees. here we go. come on. the tongue slides forward to the front of their mouth and then muscles around the tongue-- >> uh-oh. uh-oh. >> contract. and, as they contract, they shoot that tongue out.

[ laughter ] [ groaning ] >> that's okay. >> let's try a big one. >> that's all right. >> let's try a big one. >> these are hard to catch. >> hey, what's-what's-what's he doing here? what's this one doing? >> he's watching movement. >> why is he coming this way? [ laughter ] >> he's coming down the branch here. [ laughter ] >> they are-- they just eat insects. okay. here we go. come on. >> yuck.

>> go for it. [ cheering ] >> well, i guess-- >> nope. >> he's not gonna do it, huh? >> well-- not gonna. >> almost. >> why did i guess this kind of an audience would like this? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> we have to take a break.

[ cheering ] [ music ] [ applause ] >> let me show ya. let me show ya what i saw on the side of my coffee cup a moment ago. look at this. [ groaning ] >> it's not real. one of our fun-loving staff

[ laughter ] [ applause ] >> all righty. uh, what does joan have for us now? >> another animal. >> another animal. no kidding? okay. >> all: awww. >> it's a large rat. [ laughter ] >> actually-- >> i think we've had-- is this the kinkajou? >> no. >> no, it's not. >> actually, this is the cuscus and there are-- >> a what? >> only two. cuscus. >> a cuscus? >> it's a phalanger. and a phalanger is a marsupial. and there are only two in the united states. >> i've never heard of it before. c-u-s-c-u-s? >> it's a spotted-- c-u-s-c-u-s and she was found in new guinea. we were doing a expedition to remove animals where forests were being completely devastated and to save some of what is represented there, which is very unusual wildlife. and we'll see if we can bring her down. >> a cuscus. >> her name-- her name is clare. here, clare. clare is arboreal. [ laughs ] >> and she's got a hold of your hair too. >> clare has a hold of my hair. come here, clare. come here, girl. okay. now. >> that's a very unusual animal.

>> what does she have? she has a little bean here? >> she's a spotted cuscus, but only the males are spotted. >> yeah? >> and she has a prehensile tail and she likes fruit and vegetables. lives in the trees. is nocturnal. and most people have never seen one. >> i've never seen one before. >> because they live in very dense forested areas. >> look at the little hands. she's grasping that-- >> and we're hoping to find a mate for her an try to raise them, because new guinea is very sensitive right now with the tremendous loss of forest habitat to animals that live there. >> yeah. cuscus. >> cuscus. >> how many of you have ever heard of that before? i haven't. would you like some, uh, pineapple? >> and very little is known about this animal. nobody knows the gestatiom period, for instance, which we assume is short because she has a pouch. >> right. >> and we don't know anything of, at this point, captively of rearing the young. we know that they eat fruits and vegetables. and they have-- and they look like a tree kangaroo, a little bit, in the way their feet are structured for climbing trees. [ laughter ] >> she kind-- she has a real rubber looking face. you can see the eyes are--

>> uh, typical of