- oh, just wonderful. you know, i've been getting nothing but compliments for the way the water goes down the drain. (audience laughs) - well good! well, anyway, now this is my problem. as you know, i'm a widower with four daughters, but now i find i must go to san diego on a little trip, on a very important errand for a few days. so i was wondering if you would be kind enough to keep an eye on my daughters. - well, of course i will. - well, i don't live very far from here. if you just dropped in-- - oh, i wouldn't think of letting four little girls live in a house by themselves. they can stay here while you're gone. - i just knew you would say that. boy, you're nice, you're real nice. - aww... (audience laughs) it's alright girls! you can stay here while i'm gone. (girls chattering) and this is mrs. burns. - [all] how do you do, mrs. burns? - i told you she was nice, real nice. now this is jean, joan, june and joy. - oh, my, those are pretty names.

such lovely grown-up daughters. what do you girls do? - well, we're models. - yes, i model coats. - i model dresses. - i model undies. - i'm not working. - i don't blame you. (audience laughs) - [june] who's this? does he live here? - oh, yes, that's my son ronnie. (girls gasp) - isn't he handsome? - he is nice. - [all] real nice. (audience laughs) - well, just put your things up in the guest room at the head of the stairs. the house'll be a little crowded, so i'll figure out where to put my husband later. (audience laughs) (girls chattering) - well, now mrs. burns, the reason i'm going to san diego is because i feel that my daughters need a mother. now my cousin wrote me from down there that there's a little widow who is just as anxious to remarry as i am. (phone rings) - oh, excuse me. hello? - hello, this is the long-distance operator. i have a call from omaha for mrs. blanche morton. - mrs. morton?

i was told to try your house. - well, she isn't here. what do you want to speak to her about? - i don't want to speak to her, it's her husband. - oh, i'm sorry, he's not here either. (audience laughs) - i know he's not there. he's here in omaha. - well if you're both in omaha, why call him here? it seems like an awful waste of money. (audience laughs) - when mrs. morton comes in, would you please have her get in touch with operator 360? - 360, alright, i will. good-bye. 360... 360... oh, i hope i don't forget it, i have such a bad memory. - maybe you should write it down. - oh! i know, i'll associate it with something. let's see now, 360... i've got it, mary livingstone. she lives at 360 camden drive. all i have to do is think of mary livingstone and i'll remember the number. - [mr. jantzen] good! - [george] gracie, i just passed-- oh, hello, mr. jantzen. i just passed our guest room. who've we got stopping with us, the june taylor dancers? (audience laughs) - no, they're mr. jantzen's daughters.

- [gracie] i'd better go up and see if the girls are comfortable. and good luck, mr. jantzen. oh, you see, george, he has to go to san diego and talk about 'war and peace' so he can find a librarian for his motherless daughters. (audience laughs) - well, that makes sense. - it does? - of course. - does anything mrs. burns say ever confuse you? - why should it? (audience laughs) - i know, i'm the one who's at fault. i've been out of touch with this world too long. - you haven't missed much. - well, i'd better get started for san diego. i just had my suit pressed and i want to get there before it loses its crease. (audience laughs) - looks neat. - good-bye girls! - [all] bye-bye, dad! - those are lovely girls! - oh, yes. i hated to see them grow up. it was so wonderful when they were little. they could just walk right under the sink and talk to me. (audience laughs) - well, you a plumber, why don't you build a taller sink? - oh, ho, ho, ooh. (laughs) you're a rascal! (laughs) hello, ronnie! - [ronnie] hi, mr. jantzen. - [mr. jantzen] good-bye!

- ronnie, how was school today? - school? oh, school was fine. that kathy. i'm through with women, finished. i never want to see another woman again for the rest of my life. (audience laughs) - well, you came to the right place. (audience laughs) what happened with you and kathy? - we were in the malt shop. - [george] yeah. - she's so unreasonably jealous. she accused me of flirting with every girl that smiled back at me. - i guess she was pretty unreasonable. what'd you do about it? - i did what any man would do. after she gave me the ring back and walked out of the malt shop, i got sore and called off the engagement. (audience laughs) - now you're through with women? - [ronnie] forever. - good. why don't you go up in your room, lock the door, study, and never look at a girl again. - yeah. (playful music) yeah, that's exactly what i'm gonna do. i'm finished with women forever! (playful music)

hi. - [june] hi. - i'm ronnie burns. - i'm jean. - i'm joan.

(audience laughs) (audience laughs) (playful music) - (sighs) coffee break. - ronnie! he's out in the garden taking care of mr. jantzen's children. - oh! i didn't know that ronnie liked children. - well, i didn't either, but he seems to be crazy about these. (audience laughs) - kathy! what are you doing here? - ronnie, please forgive me. i've been such a stupid fool for doubting you and what's that hair doing on your sweater? - oh, that's mine. - but this happens to be red! - well, um, uh, ronnie hasn't had that sweater on in a couple of weeks and that was the color of my hair then. - there i go being jealous again. oh, ronnie, if you'll give me back the ring, i promise i'll never take it off.

- good music! - we're sorry. we didn't know you had company. bye. (giggling) - those are the jantzen children? they're lovely, they're charming, and we're not engaged. (angry music) - kathy, what's the matter? - nothing, and our engagement is off. - ronnie, what's wrong? - oh, it's kathy. there's four beautiful girls living in the house and she's jealous because i was in the garden with them. kathy! - four beautiful girls in the garden? (audience laughs) - it was awful walking in on ronnie when that girl was there. - i'll bet that's the girl he's going 'round with. - kind of cute. - oh yes, and he's a good dancer, too. - [von zell] george, are you up in the den? there, there's, there's, uh...

could this be the burns home? i'm harry von zell, i'm an announcer. - i'm jean. - i'm joan. - i'm june. - i'm joy. (audience laughs) - yes. you girls are so very pretty, you must be in show business. - we're models. - you know if the four of them add their ages together, they're still younger than von zell? (audience laughs) - we better go help mrs. burns with dinner. - oh, good idea. - oh, well then, i'll be seeing you at dinner. - are you staying to dinner? - no, not yet, but i will. i'll just go hand mr. burns a story and he'll swallow it hook, line and sinker. he's not very sharp, you know. (chuckles) (audience laughs) well, good-bye, girls. good-bye, jean. - no, i'm joan. - i'm jean. - i'm june. - i'm joy. - and i'm going. (audience laughs) (playful music) (knocking on door) - come in! - oh, hi, boss! - hello, harry! - look, george, you've done me so many favors, i want... i hope you haven't made any plans for tonight. i'll tell you why. i want to take you and gracie out to dinner

- thanks, harry, we'll be glad to go. (audience laughs) - well, good. (chuckles nervously) good. of course, i might be too late to bring it up. i noticed coming through the kitchen gracie has some stuff on the stove cooking. - nah, they're simple . - i wouldn't want to upset her. - she'll press a button and just turns it off. we'll be glad to go, harry. (audience laughs) - no, but you know what i mean is, george, i wouldn't want to upset gracie and make her angry, you know, 'cause if she gets angry, you'll get mad, and if you get mad, i get fired. (chuckles) - in other words, you'd like to have dinner here with us tonight. - well, yeah. - those four beautiful girls? - sure... (chuckles) - fired. (audience laughs) - i'm fired? - thought that i would swallow this hook, line and sinker? - wha, wha, what did you say? - out. - hey, hey, hey, how 'bout this, george, look... - out. (audience laughs) - bef-- - out! (audience laughs) (playful music)

- well, you got three phone calls and you were supposed to call right back. - who? - um, let's see, 360 camden drive... oh! you're supposed to call mary livingstone right away. - mary livingstone... i wonder why she'd call. (phone rings) - hello? - hello, mary, this is blanche morton. - oh, hello, blanche. i haven't heard from you in a long time. - i haven't heard from you in a long time, either. how are you? - i'm fine, how are you? - fine. uh... well, what is it? - what is what? - didn't you want to speak to me? - why, no. - but i had a message to call you. - that's impossible. who gave you the message? - gracie. - it's possible. (audience laughs) - she's here right now.

(whispering) honey, she didn't call me. you talk to her. - hello, mary? - hello, gracie. what gave you the idea i wanted blanche to call? - the girl in omaha told me. - omaha? gracie, i don't understand this. - well, neither do i. what are you doing in omaha? - i'm not in omaha, i'm right here at home. - really? when did you get back? did you have a nice trip? - trip? what trip? - from omaha to beverly hills... (audience laughs) - gracie, i've never been there. - oh, mary, you are confused. look, you've lived in beverly hills for years. you're right there now! (audience laughs) - yes i am, i think. - oh, now i see why you can't remember what you wanted to speak to blanche about. - well gracie, i... how long was i in omaha?

- i can't even remember how long i've been in beverly hills. - oh you poor girl. just call blanche back sometime when you're head is cleared. good-bye, dear. - bye. i wonder if it ever will clear. (audience laughs) - almost time for dinner. where are the jantzen girls? - well, ronnie convinced kathy that they were just friends and took the five of them out to dinner. - oh, where did he get the money? - he said good-bye to me five times. (audience laughs) - oh. (giggles) thought i'd try out my new dress. - [blanche] oh, gracie, that's darling. - pretty. (doorbell rings) - you like it? - [blanche] yes! - well, you'd better put on your fur. i phoned harry von zell and here he is. hi, harry. - well, george, i meant what i said on the phone. i'm ready to take you and the girls out to dinner, any place you say. (chuckles) - come on, girls! harry's here to take us to dinner! - [gracie] oh, thanks, harry. - [blanche] well, thank you, harry. - come on, harry, let's go. - but wait a minute, george. where are the girls? - just went out.

- just passed us. let's go. (audience laughs) - no, wait a minute. where are the other four girls? - they went out, too, with ronnie. let's go. (audience laughs) - you mean there's just gonna be you and me and blanche and gracie? - that's right. - then why did you have me put on a tuxedo? - i wanted the show to have a classy finish. (audience laughs) real silk.

(applause)@ - thank you very much. well, gracie, who will we talk about today? - would you like to talk about my cousin the news analyst? - i'd love to. - alright, go ahead! (audience laughs) - no, i thought maybe you'd like to talk about him. - ooooh. - news analyst, sounds interesting. what's his name? - edward r. allen. (audience laughs) - edward r. allen? - oh, and george, he's great. besides analyzing the news, he has his own television show and he sits in the studio and interviews famous - and interviews a lot of people? people in their homes. - did your cousin ever hear of edward r. murrow? - ooooh, i don't know. but he's important enough, i'm sure my cousin's had him on the show. (audience laughs) - that's a great break for murrow. so your cousin is a news analyst too, huh? - right. now, for instance, during the presidential campaign, he studied every angle of it and interviewed voters in every part of the country. - i'll bet it was a brilliant analysis. - well, it will be when it's finished.

- this edward r. allen was born 10 years ahead of his time and two years behind the news. - oh, yes. you know, he's been all over the world getting stories. - oh? - once his editor sent him to china to get a story on the red chinese army... - the red chinese army, yeah... - yes, he spent almost a year there studying the soldiers and he finally wrote his report. - must have been a long report. - no, no, it was very short. he just said, "there are no red chinese, "you must be thinking of indians." (audience laughs) - yeah, well, no wonder his editor keeps sending him out of town. - and nobody can dig up news the way he can. no matter how important a person is, cousin edward always calls them by his first name. - calls them by their first name, huh? - he calls them 'edward'. you see, he can't remember names, so he calls everybody - of course, he calls them - [together] by his first name. (audience laughs) - yes, like 'edward gable', 'edward yogi berra', 'edward lollobrigida'... - oh, i don't think he met him. - oh,well he's a nice boy.

- oh, my cousin would do anything to get news. he used to take a microphone and go right where the news was happening. - really? - once he interviewed a man while the man was taking a parachute jump from a high building. - you mean he took a mic and jumped with him? - yes, and in the excitement, edward forgot to put on a parachute. - well that must have been terrible. - oh, it certainly was. you know, he came down a lot faster than the man and he had to keep yelling the questions up at him. (audience laughs) - how did the interview end? - well, just before cousin edward hit, he said, "we now return you to the studio for some organ music." (audience laughs) - say goodnight. - goodnight. - goodnight. (applause) (intro music)

- bryan, come on in. - hey, ronnie. - what brings you around? - thanks for the golf clubs. ronnie, i'm leaving sc. - no! - yeah, and after nine years at that college. dean went and wrote to my daddy that i was just a hopeless case and daddy's taking me out of school at the end of the week so i can go back home and help on the ranch. - gee, well we're all going to miss you, bryan. can't you talk your dad into letting you flunk out another year? - no, not a chance. trigonometry ... i never should have taken that course, it's all greek to me. - maybe you should have taken greek. - i took greek once. it was all trigonometry to me. - i guess you had ever course at sc. - you name it, i flunked it. - you're exaggerating. - no, i'm just naturally stupid. i think it must be my height, i figure it takes too long

- cut it out, bryan. i'd certainly like to keep in touch with you. - i'll give you my address. - wow, who's that? - my kid sister. bonnie sue, she runs an elevator in the shamrock hilton down in houston. - boy, she's pretty. - yeah. - what's she doing running an elevator? - well my daddy says it's safer than having her drive a car. - oh ronnie, would you ask blanche-- oh, i didn't know you had company. - mother, this is bryan mcafee. - how do you do, ma'am. - oh, how do you do. would you mind sitting down? looking up that high makes me dizzy. - yes, ma'am. - mother, bryan lives in houston, texas. this is his sister, she runs the elevator down at the shamrock hotel. - oh, you know your father and i played two weeks there. - how about that? isn't that pretty? - oh, well if you think the elevator's pretty, you should see the rest of the hotel!

- i know you do. - yeah, well we're going to miss you at school, bryan. bryan's father is pulling him out of sc. - [blanche] yoohoo, gracie! - oh, i'll be right out! - i'm sorry to hear that, bryan. - so am i, i never did care for cattle, and now i got to go home and help with around, the fields are just full of those herders. - well if the place is full of herders, why can't they bring in the cattle so you can stay in school? - mrs. burns, they are cattle. see, they have white faces. - what difference does that make? so they have white faces. i suppose the roundups have brown faces. you should still stay in school. - well blanche, here i am. - well it arrived from my darling husband in omaha! - really? - uh huh, the second postcard in ten days. - oh, what did he say? - my dear blanche, you will be happy to know that i am in fine fettle. you have my--

why did he send the postcard from omaha? - that a suburb of omaha. - oh. - anyway, you have my assurance that i continue to miss you. your devoted spouse, harry hugh morton jr. i've gotten more romantic notes from the gas company. - is that all he sent you? - no, he also sent me a big package. - oh good! what was in it? - his laundry. wants me to do it and send it back to him. - oh, well don't blame him. maybe fine fettle is too small a place to have a hand laundry. - yup. - poor bryan, he's heartbroken because he can't stay at sc. - who's bryan? - he's a friend of mine from school. - his father, who has a white face and mr. herbert own a ranch and they raise roundups. - mrs. morton, i'll explain it to you. - oh, you don't have to, they do the same thing in fine fettle. - that you'll have to explain to me. - ronnie, do you mean to say that boy really wants to stay in college and his father won't let him? - that's right, mother. his father wants hims back in his ranch in texas.

i think every boy should have a chance to finish college. he'll remember all those wonderful things he learned there long after he's forgotten them. - gracie, can i have my lunch? i got a lot of work to do this afternoon. - lunch? lunch! a boy's future is at stake and all you think of is lunch. can't you get your mind out of your stomach? - if it was in there i wouldn't be hungry. - well i better go and take care of harry's shirts. - wait a minute blanche, have you heard from harry? where is he? - oh, he's in fine fettle, nebraska. - fine fettle, nebraska? i thought i played every town, but there's one i missed. - of course! how could they have a theater there, it isn't big enough to have a laundry! - what goes with your mother? - oh, she's upset because a friend of mine's father wants him to quit school. - oh,lunch! you know sometimes george burns, i don't understand you at all. - sometimes i can say the same thing. - well if you can't even understand yourself,

- that isn't what i meant. - lunch... - look gracie, ronnie explained the whole thing to me, don't take it out on me. the boy's father wants to take him out of school. somebody ought to go and talk to him. - well i wish i could. - why don't you? go talk to him. - you mean you wouldn't mind if i went to the boy's home and spoke to his father? - no, go talk to him. - oh george, you're wonderful. what a nice thing to do. when do we start? - i can't go, i'm busy today. why don't you take blanche? - blanche, really? - sure, you and blanche go talk to him. - oh, well that'll make it just perfect. blanche is alone, goodbye dear! - gracie, just a minute. - would it be alright if we took ronnie with us? - sure, take ronnie too, he knows the boy, he might help. - oh george, you're the sweetest husband a woman ever had! - gracie! gracie! - hmm? - what about lunch? - oh no dear, you've done enough for me already. just get something yourself. - so i'm letting gracie drive out to this man's house. see how easy it is to get your wife happy?

of gas once in awhile. sometimes i'm amazed how sharp i am. there was a mirror here, i'd applaud myself for five or six minutes. it's a cinch to keep your house running smoothly. i know there are people that laugh at marriage, but who are they? just a lot of bachelors who can still laugh. but i get along well with gracie because our marriage is a 50/50 proposition. we give up things for each other. now recently i gave up smoking in bed and she gave up threatening to leave me if i didn't. but i'm glad gracie went out to see this boy's father to have him continue school. i believe in education. i'd had a lot of it. i was in the fifth grade for seven years. i wasn't in the fifth grade that long because i was stupid. although it helped a lot.

because she couldn't get it through my head that $5 and $5 made $10. i thought there was no reason to learn it because we were so poor i didn't believe that there was such a thing as $10. my mother didn't mind when i quit school. in fact she was in favor of it. i came home once and i told her that i'd just learn that vienna was the capital of austria. she said, "modern education, ha!

- oh isn't it wonderful, blanche? just think, in an hour from now we'll be on our way to houston. - that was very sweet of george to be so generous. while you're gone, what is he going to do with himself for three or four days? - oh, play bridge at the friar's club

- maybe he's trying to get you out of town so he can be with some gorgeous blonde. - oh blanche, don't be silly. they don't allow women in the friar's club. - maybe he'll take her to the mocambo. - that's even sillier. it's too dark to play bridge in there. - gracie, you're different from other women. (phone rings) i bet my husband wishes i were. hello. - mrs. morton? the cab's out front that's going to take us to the airport. tell mother i wanted to say goodbye to dad but he's not here. - oh , well we better get going. you can phone your dad from houston. - come on gracie, let's go. oh by the way honey, where are we staying? - oh ronnie made a reservation at the shamrock hilton. he's crazy about the elevator there. - gracie! gracie? (doorbell rings)

hello sweetheart, i've been-- oh excuse me, i thought you were my wife. - no sir, i'm bryan mcafee. - i should have know you're not my wife. she always carries a purse. come on in. - i came over to thank you. ronnie phoned and he told me what all he and mrs. burns were doing to keep me in college. - oh, so you're the boy, huh? - yes, sir. i sure do appreciate you letting them go back home and talk to my daddy. - could you repeat that line again? - i sure do appreciate you letting them go back home and talk-- - you've repeat it enough. by your accent, "back home" couldn't be glendale. - no, sir. - further south? - yes, sir. - past laguna beach? beyond oceanside? in other words i can go on like this for 20 minutes until i hit texas? - yes, sir, back home is just outside houston. - has my wife and son left already? - oh yes sir, why their plane

- a half a hour ago? well i can't stop them, i can certainly join them. (doorbell rings) - i'll get the door, mr. burns. - thank you. - goodbye and thanks for everything. - oh it's nothing, i'm just glad you didn't say back home with a chinese accent. - oh, how do you do. - how do you do, sir. - [operator] we have a plane leaving for houston in an hour. - good, i'll be right down in a half hour to pick up my ticket for houston. thank you. - hey, you going to houston? - yeah, oh hello, harry. - texas? - yeah! harry, the darndest thing just happened. you know that big texan you just saw at the door? - well look, never mind the details, george. you can tell me on the way to the plane. - good, good, and i'm glad you're driving with me to the airport. - airport? look, i'm going all the way to texas with you. look, you're not going to leave me out of any oil deal. - oil deal? you found out about it. i knew you would, you're too sharp. - oh george, are you kidding?

that's the oil center of the world. i've been looking to fall into something like this for years! - well the way you're starting you'll be in it up to your neck in no time. - then we're partners! - no harry, i can't go for it. i'll tell you the truth, but you'll never believe it. that kid at the door goes to sc with ronnie. his father's trying to get him out of school. i told gracie to go talk to his father thinking he lives on roxbury drive. turns out he lives in houston. gracie and blanche and ronnie are on their way to houston and i'm on my way to bring them back. that's the truth. - you thought i wouldn't believe that. - that's right. - you're right, i don't. shake, partner. - okay, the boy at the door is a geologist and they're opening up an oil field in houston in an hour and i'm not letting anybody in on the deal, so goodbye ex-partner. - [operator] hello, airport. - look airport, you've got to get me out on the first flight to houston, texas. it's an emergency.

i'll hang onto a kite, i've got to get there! ("i've been working on the railroad" plays) - i hope they have a nice room for us. - oh i'm sure they will. - mother, i'll see you in a little while. - whe are you going? - i'm going to check the elevator to make sure it's safe for you to use. - oh. now isn't he thoughtful? where could you find a son like that? - anywhere there's a pretty girl. - oooh! - oooh! - may i help you please? - we have a reservation, i'm mrs. george burns. - mrs. burns! forgive me for not recognizing you. my wife and i enjoy you on television and so do our children. - well i love children.

we have boys, seven and six. - 13 boys! the climate out here must be wonderful. - i understand. you have that same sense of humor offstage too. - well thank you, and so have you. - i enjoy your husband too, especially his monologue. - oh thank you. - i thought last week he was in fine fettle. - oh no no, he was in beverly hills. you're thinking of her husband. - what? - it's just a small place, they don't even have a laundry. - or a theater. - i have you all on the sixth floor. i have a nice single room for your son and a fine double room for you and mrs. morton. it has twin beds. - oh, well we'll take it, but we don't even look alike. we're just very good friends. - as soon as we get up to the room i'll call bryan's father mr. mcafee and have him come over. - main floor, lobby.

oh, mother, maybe you and mrs. morton better use the other elevator. i still haven't had a chance to find out if this one is safe yet. going up. - oh ronnie, if anything goes wrong, if you get stuck between the floors, just yell for help. - i certainly will. - well i guess i ought to explain. i was just looking for a chance to talk to you alone. - i don't understand this. i don't see how anyone can act so much a wolf and look so much like a nice innocent hound dog. - you got me wrong, bonnie sue. you see your brother bryan told me to look you up when i came to houston. he and i go to school together. - a friend of bryan's, why well didn't you say so? how's he doing? - oh he feels fine. - how's he doing in school? - he feels fine. - poor bryan, still loyal to the sophomore class. - say bonnie sue, i know a nice place where you and i can talk alone. it's real close by. - really? where?

- george, look i've been begging you all the way from los angeles, listen, i don't want half of this oil deal. i didn't even want a third of it. i don't want a 10th of it. i just want a little piece. - okay harry, but you'll have to keep it under your hat. - yeah, sure. - i got this tip from a representative of the texas oil company. - oh boy, well what did they say? - they have very clean restrooms. - george, please! you got a room for me? i'm george burns. - why mr. burns! yes, i have a fine room for you in 616. - thank you. - i want you to know that my wife and i enjoy you on television every week and we think you're just great. - thank you very much. - what about me? - you're harry von zell! -[von zell] that's right. - sorry, we're all filled up. - well you can share my room.

- has it got twin beds? - yes. - good. - you two don't look alike, you're only friends. - oh you met my wife, huh? - oh, she's in 622. - thought so. what's the matter? - i don't know, we better take the other elevator. this one seems to be stuck. (door buzzes) - mrs. burns? - i'm mr. mcafee. - oh, come in, bryan's father. i was expecting you. - well i'm sorry i detained you. one of the hoofers got stick eating too much alfalfa. - oh that's too bad. but if your partner eats that, what do you feed the cows? - i want talking about the cows, ma'am. - oh, so was i. let's talk about bryan. - fine. i just can't understand you coming all the way to texas

- because he's a very brilliant boy and he should finish his education. - you say he's brilliant? - yes. - you mean bryan? - yes! - tall boy? - mmmhm (affirmative) - red hair? - yes! - for a minute i thought i had another son i'd never met. - maybe you have. the desk clerk has 13. - 13 sons? - yes, they were all born between 6 and 7. that must be the best time of day out here in texas. - you know, i can understand why you think bryan is brilliant, but honestly mrs. burns, that boy has been in that school for nine years. he's still taking sophomore courses. - well alright, so sophomore must be a tough subject. - oh, you must be mr. mcafee. - yes, ma'am. - how do you do. - how do you do. - are you going to let your boy stay in school? - no, he's coming home!

will be terribly disappointed. - yes. - the professor thinks bryan is a genius. - he certainly is! - if the professor here didn't mean it, she wouldn't say so. - are you the professor? - well if there's nobody else in the room i guess i am. yeah, i'm professor anderson. - well now, tell me, what you do teach? - did you go to college? - i was a fine student. - i suppose you took chemistry. - one of my best subjects. - i don't teach that. what about psychology? - one of my best subjects. - i don't teach that either. - how about foreign languages? - that was my downfall. can't speak a word of it. - that's what i teach! i'm professor anderson, the foreign language department. - bryan is her best student. - oh yes, he speaks excellent french and fine spanish.

- well you ladies sure put on a fine show to save my bryan. (door buzzes) - oh, excuse me. well professor von zell and dean burns of usc, i certainly didn't expect to see you here! - yeah, they threw us both off the campus, and hello, dear. mr. mcafee? - yes, sir. (phone rings) - mr. mcafee, if you don't let your boy stay in school, my wife won't be fit to live with. - well sir, i just can't let him stay there. it's a point of honor. - honor? - yes, you see i was a sophomore for 9 years myself. i don't my boy to break my record. - well you held the record long enough. - yeah. okay, you win! let him kee on flunking. - thank you, mr. mcafee. - oh, thank you, thank you. now if you'll excuse me,

he wants to talk to me. - question. - yeah? - you mean to say that that lie you told me in los angeles was true? - was true. - why didn't you tell me it was a lie, then i would believe it. - then you'd believe it? - so mother, i thought if you could talk to the manager and get someone to take bonnie sue's place, we can go dancing at the emerald room. (door buzzes) - yes, i'm sure the manager mr. harris would do it if you asked him. - oh, well you two go on and dance and i'll talk to him after this trip. - mother, no! (buzzing) - now you'll have a chance to meet my daughter bonnie sue, she runs the elevator. she's much smarter than bryan, but she sure can't drive a car. - she can't run an elevator either.

- she missed it again. - are you sure she's smarter than bryan? - i always thought so, but i can't understand this. - would you gentlemen mind walking down a flight? i just can't seem to hit the sixth floor. - yes, george and gracie will be right back and do

- [voiceover] george and gracie. - thank you. - thank you very much. well gracie, who will we talk about today? - well how about talking about my cousin henry wadsworth allen the poet? - henry wadsworth allen? so you have a poet in the family. - george, we've got everything in our family. - that i'm sure of, but i never heard of henry wadsworth allen. - well that's the trouble, you see no poet is ever famous until he's dead. - yeah, well that's true. - cousin henry's worried because he can't wait that long.

- well he wrote a lot of poems about birds and animals. oh george, he was wonderful because he got so close to his subject. - he got close to all his subjects, hm? - yes, you see when he wrote about a bird he'd climb a tree and he sat by its nest. - sat right there by the bird. - yes, and when he wrote about an animal he went right into the animal's den. - right into the den, huh? - yes. one of his finest poems was called thoughts while being gnawed on by a bear. - your cousin henry sounds like quite a nature lover. - oh he certainly was. now for instance, one of his greatest poems started like this: i think that i shall never look at a poem lovely as a brook. - that sounds vaguely familiar. - oh, that's probably because you heard the other one, i think i'll never write a line as lovely as a porcupine. - no, i was thinking the one with the tree. - oh, he wrote that.

- i think that i have never spoke a poem as lovely as an oak. - yeah, well that's the one i meant. did he ever make any money writing poems? - oh yes, the first one he wrote he sent it to a magazine, he got $3 for it. - oh, and the magazine paid him $3 for his poem? - no no, he insured it and the post office lost it. - oh, the post office paid him. that's all the money he ever made as a poet? - yes, but finally he started making some money by writing greeting cards. - oh, verses for all occasions. there's a lot of money in that. - whenever henry wrote a new one for a greeting card he always tried it out first. - oh, he tried it out. - yes, he'd send a copy to some friend or a member of the family to see how they liked it. - to see how they-- - yes, and that's how we almost lost my grandmother. - lost your grandmother on account of a card? - well it was quite a shock when she got a card that said "i hope the rumor i heard is true, "that the stork is coming to visit you." - yeah, well a card like that would make me a little nervous too.

- double his income, huh? - he had a card that you send to all your friends who were well and it said, "get sick." - get sick. - yeah, and then after they got sick you could send them one if his get well cards. - get well! i see what you mean, and that's the way he doubled his income. - yes, but after 15 years he realized he'd never be a good greeting card writer. - so he quit. - no, no, he couldn't by that time, he was making too much money to quit. - you know gracie, i'm a poet myself, listen to this. roses are red, violets are blue, and if you'll say goodnight, i'll say so too. - that's good, goodnight! - yes, goodnight! - [voiceover] appearing on tonight's show - [voiceover] the jack benny program. (audience applauds)

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