think i'll take a carrot break. honey. you know linda richards, our nice neighbor down the street? the one that's married to the navy lieutenant? uh-huh. well, her husband just called. his ship is docked in san diego and he wanted her to come down and spend a couple of days with him. well, fine. a wife's place is with her husband. that's right, honey. that's what i told her. so i thought that the neighborly thing to do... yeah? well, i told her that we'd love to take care of her baby for a couple of days. is that all right, darling? uh, i don't know, carol. oh, please say yes, honey. you must. why? well, the baby is already in the house, and linda's on her way to the airport. i didn't think you'd mind. i don't. no, it's fine. fine with me. like i said, uh, a wife's place is with her husband. and a baby's place is with its mother. or its father, or its neighbors, or anybody who'll take it. i just talked to winnie kirkwood and she said that she'd give us a hand.

and we'll give them a hand. no. i promised linda i'd watch madeline. and it just wouldn't be fair to pass her on to the neighbors. why not? we can both take turns watching her, until the kid's old enough to get married. honey, i've got a thousand things to do. will you move the crib upstairs while i fix the formula? well... that's a good boy. i... if that baby thinks that she's gonna steal wilbur away from me,

[humming] and down will come baby cradle and all (carol) wilbur! [crying] [cooing] shh, baby. [bawling] what happened? it sounded like an earthquake. you're close, winnie. it was hurricane wilbur. well, it's not my fault. my wife's carpet sweeper was double-parked. give the little angel to me.

(winnie) ah, there. there, sweetie. [baby crying] nothing like the sound of a baby to brighten a home. don't cry, honey. here, look at the colonel. [stops crying] i wonder what made her stop crying. women of all ages find me irresistible. from diapers to bikinis. [crying] [stops crying] [crying] well, there's something new on the baby market. a pacifier with a mustache. the mustache. that's it. madeline's father has a mustache. you're right. the baby thinks that you're her father. well, i don't. and it's my word against hers. she needs her sleep. now, you let her see your face while i put her back in the carriage. oh, now, i'm not-- come along, colonel.

[baby crying] dandruff. falling arches. no, no. i gotta find some sickness that will bring wilbur running back to me. nothing fatal. just sympathetic. ingrown toenails. migraine headaches. dementia praecox. no, i'd have to act screwy. and wilbur would never know the difference. the common cold. toothache. falling hair. no, i--i wouldn't know which end to let it fall from. hey, here's a goodie. mumps. a couple of apples ought to puff up my cheeks.

[baby crying] [groans] [baby continues crying] found your milk, honey. the bars all close at 2.00. what else we got here? oh. [gibbering] [baby crying] ole! [baby stops crying] [baby crying] you don't like music, don't like milk. all you like are mustaches, huh?

piece of tape... [laughing] mitch miller started this way. [baby crying] [cooing] (wilbur) looky, looky, looky. [gibbering] you'd better marry a man with a mustache, honey, or you won't get any sleep. [yawning] help! burglar! [baby starts crying] look. it's me.

i'm wearing this to stop madeline's crying. oh. i guess i'd better warm up the bottle. never mind that. just warm up the mustache. wilbur, i... i, uh, i believe it's your turn, sir. [baby continues crying] [baby stops crying] [phone ringing] hello. oh, hurry over, wilbur. i'm sick as a dog. uh, that's terrible for a horse. i'd better put my mumps on. who was that on the phone, dear?

[grunts] i, uh, i think i'll get myself a sandwich. ed, what's all this about being sick? ed, your cheeks are all puffed up. what's wrong, fella? it's the mumps. mumps? yeah, i caught it from that baby. that's impossible. she doesn't have them. she's probably a carrier. like typhoid mary, she might be mumpy madeline. ed, i've never heard of a horse getting the mumps. well, just look. i'm all puffed out, and i'm not blowing a trumpet. does it hurt, ed? only when i talk, or eat, or sleep, or breathe. open your mouth. let me look. [groans] i wouldn't want you to catch it. i couldn't catch it, i had it when i was a little baby. not the horse mumps. they're bigger. ed, you got me worried.

if i'm still around. oh, you will be. you see, there's nothing really serious about the mumps. i got the worst kind. the traveling mumps. the tra... what? yeah, now i feel them in my neck. if they travel down my back, i might wind up a camel. now relax, ed. look. first thing in the morning, i'll take care of it. look, i've got to get back to carol and help her with that baby. go ahead. if a stranger is more important than your own flesh and blood. all right, ed. what can i do? sing me to sleep, wilbur. what a night. please. ok. come on. put your head on my shoulder. come on, come on. [moans] yeah, yeah. attaboy. rock-a-bye, eddie

when the wind blows the cradle will rock when the bough breaks the cradle will fall and down will come eddie mumpsy and all

[snoring] (carol) wilbur! yes, dear. [grunting] if you're gonna kiss me, wilbur, shave first. (carol) wilbur! wilbur? hi.

hiding out here in the barn so that i had to walk the baby. i'm sorry, honey. i must've fallen asleep. i don't think it was fair at all. well, i had to take care of ed. see, he came down with the mumps. the mumps? yeah. well, he didn't have 'em when he was a baby. wilbur, this is the wildest story you've ever cooked up. horses don't have the mumps. well, his--his cheeks are all puffed out, and he wasn't whistling dixie. oh, wilbur. the baby's over at the kirkwoods. now, please get dressed. i have some shopping for you to do. ok. uh, carol. look, uh, stay away from ed. see, if those are the--the traveling mumps, why, you might end up looking like a camel. i can't get over wilbur, ducking out on me all night like that. now, don't get yourself all worked up, carol. the colonel promised he'd give us a hand with the baby, today.

halt, colonel! (carol) stop, honey. stop, darling. here's your uncle gordon with his magic mustache. [stops crying] i'm shaving it off right after lunch. darling. when the preacher said: "till death do us apart," he meant the 3 of us, you,u,e and little fuzzy wuzzy. (winnie) uncle gordon. hi, honey. hello, winnie. [gordon gibbering] [gordon laughs] hi, mother. [giggles] honey, here's what i want you to get. all right. oh, you better write it down. oh, i don't need to do that. i got a brain. just what do you need? a box of talcum powder, half a dozen flannel diapers... a pair of knitted booties, a bottle of olive oil... and some safety pins. mmm-hmm. got it? sure. simple. honey? mmm? you better write it down.

and half a dozen knitted nipples. wonderful. i didn't think you could do it. you never forget what to get ed at the feed store. thanks for reminding me. i got to get something for his mumps. mumps? did he say his horse has the mumps? [baby crying] oh, colonel, quick! [baby stops crying] [baby starts crying] safety pins, talcum powder, baby... [mister ed groaning] [mister ed coughs] fella, you don't look so good. and i look better than i feel. ok, i'm going to the drugstore. is there anything i can get you? uh, just a little wreath.

i better phone the vet right away. (wilbur) yes, doctor. i'm sure my horse has the mumps. [mister ed groaning] i'm not calling from a bar. it's his cheeks. they're all puffed up. well, did you ever see a man playing the bagpipes? well, he looks like the bagpipes. doctor, surely there is something you could suggest? a psychiatrist? for the mumps? oh, for me? [phone clicking] doc-- [groaning] it's no use, ed. there's not a vet in town that will believe a horse can have the mumps. [groans] how did you get them, anyway? i had told you, wilbur. from that baby. but you've never seen the baby. yeah, but you have. next thing you know, you'll be bringing me measles, whooping cough, and before you know it, diaper rash. [mutters] oh, no.

looks like i'll just have to stay here and treat you myself. oh, bless you, wilbur. you're more than human. you're all horse. thank you, ed. carol, relax. maybe they're busy at the drugstore. wilbur's been gone for over an hour. when i think of that phony excuse he gave me for disappearing last night, his horse has mumps. did you look at mister ed? what? well, you don't really-- who knows? maybe horses get mumps. people get charley horses. this i've got to see. [slurping] (wilbur) how's the orange juice, ed? ah, delicious. i can use another gallon. comin' up. this orange juice really doing you any good? (mister ed) oh, yeah. one thing about mumps,

yeah. the medical book also says you got to stay out of drafts, so keep away from the door, don't wave your tail anymore than you have to. ok. [blender whirring] wilbur, what on earth are you doing? uh, i'm--i'm sq-squeezing oranges. i thought i sent you to the drugstore. drugstore? for the baby, remember? baby? which... oh, oh, the baby. oh, well, honey, i, uh, i have a very sick horse here. [blender whirring] he isn't even here. what? no, that's ridiculous. he was here a minute ago. [stuttering] h-how would you like a nice gallon of orange juice, dear? how would you like to spend the night on the couch, dear?

i thought she'd never leave. why did you disappear? [stuttering] i hate family quarrels. well, i'm gonna have to square things with her. oh, don't leave me, wilbur. [stammering] i'm cold. huh? well, look, i'll--i'll cover you up. [mister ed groaning] [sneezes] [thudding] [mister ed sighs] (mister ed) uh-oh. no. so, you had the mumps, huh? yeah, holler, but don't hit. ed, this is the sneakiest trick you have ever pulled. what are you, some kind of animal? well, with that baby around, i wasn't seeing very much of you. well, you're gonna be seeing even less of me from now on.

i'm leaving home. fine. i'll help you pack. after dinner. i never travel on an empty stomach. oh, well. here. you can eat your mumps. [moaning] [musical toy playing] well, madeline, you little troublemaker, looks like you've won. [sighs] goodbye, wilbur. [baby crying] what's she yappin' about? she wasn't thrown out like me. why doesn't carol get up and take care of that kid? might be a pin sticking her. well, it's not my problem.

[musical toy playing] [baby stops crying] you're not going anywhere. come on, ed. back to your bed. i'll never figure you out.

you're not mad at me anymore, wilbur? you really like little madeline, don't you, ed? gee. how could a big horse like me be jealous of a little baby? you're just an old softie. [baby crying] uh, excuse me, wilbur. i gotta change her.

so much for the boss's mail. pretty dull stuff. nothing worth steaming open. ha, good morning, ed. sure is a beautiful day, huh?

is your wife talking to you yet? ah, we started kissing this morning. so we'll be talking before you know it. oh, hey, isn't this nice? postcard from madeline's mother, thanking us for taking care of the baby. i better show this to carol. no. don't leave me. why not? i think i got chicken pox. [clucking] you're laying an egg, ed. [laughing] hello. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed uh-huh.

well, ed, looks like i've got you trapped. (ed groans) i'd be ahead now if i hadn't swallowed my bishop. no excuses. yeah, i'm a cinch to win this game. big deal. now you can tell all your friends you beat a horse at chess. come on, ed, it's your move, huh? if you move your king, you're in check. if you move your knight, i take your queen. (chuckling) ah, it's lucky you're not a betting horse, ed. you could be riding tomorrow without a saddle. yeah, looks like... oh! ooh! -what's the matter? -it's my tooth. feels like it's got a headache. uh-huh. you probably got a cavity from all that sugar you've been eating. well, i better get the vet over here. no, not the vet! every time he comes over he gives me a shot. now, ed! keep that trigger-happy nut away from me.

i'm going to call dr. howard. i don't need old sawbones around here. my tooth feels... oh! fine now. but i tell you, i saw him. he's playing chess with his horse. oh, now, colonel. that's a ridiculous story. how could a horse play chess? i can't even learn the game. (shushing) i am telling you that it's true. oh, gordon, don't be silly. wilbur's probably practicing a few chess moves and mr. ed just happens to be standing around. no, wilbur is playing chess with his horse. not only that, the horse is winning. will you ask him to get over here as soon as possible, please? well he has my address. please tell him to hurry. thank you very much.

winnie, it was no joke. i know what i saw. wilbur was playing chess with his horse! winnie, have i ever lied to you? -no, dear. -have i ever played pranks on you? -no, dear. -then you do believe what i was telling you. no, dear.

hello, mr. post. oh, hello, dr. howard. thanks very much for coming over. what's the matter? uh, my horse seems to have a toothache. mhm. well, that's very unusual. horses rarely have any trouble with their teeth. yeah, well, he's been eating an awful lot of sugar lately. you see, i'm afraid ed has a sweet tooth.

-what happened to my instrument bag? -huh? ed! give me that bag. you stop being such a baby. gee! -sorry, doctor. -where we he going with my bag? oh. probably to bury it in the backyard. he's a terrible patient. now i've seen everything. it'll only take a minute to yank that tooth. all right. (snaps in place) i think i'd better get the big needle. it's out in the car. i'll be right back, mr. post. yeah, yeah, doctor. ed, this will just take a few... (sighs) ed. ed? ed, where are you? up here. on the barn roof. you stop kidding around.

how did you get up there? fear! and that's what's going to keep me up here. are you coming down or do i have to come up there and get you? yeah, you'll look foolish carrying a horse over your shoulder. ed, stop acting like a baby. look, you're gonna get a shot of novocaine, you won't feel a thing. ed, the tooth has to come out sooner or later. and the longer you keep putting it off, the worsde it's gonna get. (gasps) -mr. post. -hi, doc. how did your horse get on the roof? he didn't say. well, i mean, i'm not sure... but i think... oh, of course. he just took those two planks, you see. and he laid them up on that ledge, there. and then when he got up on the roof, he kicked them right back down here again, right, doc? yeah. maybe he shinnied up that tree, swung over on that big branch and dropped down. yeah. no, no. ed is not much of a climber. doctor, if i put a ladder there would you mind going up there and pulling his tooth?

but how am i gonna get him down? why don't we each hold one end of a blanket and let him jump? doctor! mr. post. i have no time for this sort of nonsense. the next time you need me you bring your horse to my office. i thought the mad butcher would never leave. i'm ashamed of you. dr. howard came all the way over here to help you and you pull a stunt like this. you know, if you had behaved yourself it would have been all over now. you wouldn't have felt a thing. as it is, you're just going to have to go on suffering. and if it starts bothering you again, don't come to me looking for sympathy, because you're not going to get any. well... now, we'll go down that plank. (stammering) what plank? the plank you used to get up here.

i shinnied up that tree and dropped off that branch. don't be a wise guy. come on. (sighs) psychiatric division, please. (phone ringing) dr. vernon speaking. oh, yes, colonel kirkwood. of course i remember you, sir. how have you been? fine, thank you. but i am worried about one of my former officers, wilbur post. i believe he's suffering from delayed battle fatigue or some neurotic, uh... well, anyways, whatever it is i'm convinced that he's finally popped his weasel. oh, why do you say that, colonel?

and now he and the horse are on the barn roof. -what are they doing up their, colonel? -don't ask me! captain, this boy served under me. he flew a lot of missions for his country and now he needs... what? how many missions did i fly? captain, we're not discussing me, we're discussing wilbur! what do you mean what ward am i in? i live at home, my wife takes care of me. no, she doesn't take care of me, she... oh! look, i know this all sounds very perculiar, but it's the truth! and... oh, just a minute. here's my wife. she can verify what i've been telling you. oh, winnie. would you take a look at wilbur's barn roof.

winnie, i want you to tell this man what you saw on wilbur's barn. all right, dear. hello? i saw a roof on wilbur's barn. no, tell him what you saw on top of the roof. oh, shingles. they might have climbed down. uh... you want to speak to the nurse again? just a moment. she is not my nurse. now listen, captain... i want you to check this matter immediately. i certainly will, colonel. yes, i've got the name. wilbur post. i'll check his file immediately, sir. yes. goodbye. ah! kirkwood. colonel gordon kirkwood. who was that on the phone, dear?

now he's in the psychiatric department and i was talking to him about wilbur. -wilbur? -what i saw on wilbur's barn has convinced me that that boy's cracking up. oh, now, really, colonel. many people have roofs on their barns. winnie, i saw wilbur and his horse standing on the roof of his barn. -playing chess? -no, they weren't playing chess... now who knows what they were doing! but i know what i saw, and believe me when... now, winnie, stop that! -i have not been drinking. -colonel... you look a little tired. why don't you go upstairs and have a nice nap? have a nice nap? if you saw what i did... oh, what's the use? nobody seems to believe me anyway. -i believe you, dear. -you do? do you, winnie? do you believe i saw wilbur playing chess with his horse? certainly. and if you say he was on the roof with his horse, i believe that, too. oh, thank you, winnie. at least you don't think i'm losing my marbles. of course not. you have every marble that you were born with.

-thank you. -have a nice rest! (door closing) operator. could you get me the veteran's hospital?

now, ed, i made a 3:00 appointment with dr. howard to have your tooth pulled, and i don't want to hear anymore! ed? ed, where are you? ah! is this a new couch we've got here?

now what style would you call that. um... swedish modern? french provincial? nah. i think it's palomino chicken! what do you say, ed? you're right. it's palomino chicken. oh! my tooth feels fine now, wilbur. honest. (ed groaning in pain) ed, be sensible. if i get a toothache, i head straight down to my dentist, have him put a filling in and get it over with. -oh, you'd have a filling put in, huh? -that's right. well, why doesn't the vet give me a filling? well, because, the vet's not a dentist. so, what's he doing fooling around with my teeth? well... you know, he did make a pretty snap decision.

-the tooth out. -for sure. what would happen if i got a pain in my tail? he'd want to pull that out, too. yeah? well, i wish i could help you, ed, but i never heard of any horse dentists. why, i'm not particular, wilbur. take me to your dentist. dr. pearson? (scoffs) he wouldn't put a filling in your tooth! -how do you know? -well, i... i've been going to him for 10 years now and i've yet to see a horse in his waiting room. well, there's always a first time. would you want to see your little horsie lose a tooth that might be saved? no, no. well, i could talk to him, i guess. i've been a patient of his for years and, afterall, he is a lodge brother. tell him if he does a good job on me, i'll get him every horse in the valley. what did the army psychiatrist think was gordon's problem? well he couldn't be sure until he talked to the colonel,

he thought it'd be a good idea if we had some other guests, so would you and wilbur please drop by? oh, i see. make it look kind of casual. exactly. and then, after dinner, the three of us can go out on the patio and leave the couch to the colonel and captain vernon. -poor dear. -now, winnie, don't worry. -everything's going to be all right. -gordon: winnie! oh, yes, colonel? did you have a nice nap, dear? winnie, what's all this stuff doing on my dresser? oh, i brought them for you, dear. i know how much you like games. water colors. fingerpaint set. beach stringing kit. why didn't you get me some building blocks? they were all out of them. -oh, well! -i understand fingerpainting, -is great therapy. -therapy for what? this is the kind of stuff we give to the boys before we send them... oh, now i get it.

you don't believe what i said about wilbur. carol, believe me, your husband needs help. yes, gordon, you're right. of course. now why don't you make wilbur a nice pair of beaded moccasins? all right. now, i see you still don't believe me. you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to follow wilbur around. and the next screwball thing he does with his horse, i'm coming back with a picture. fine, dear. fine. now do you want to do the picture in watercolors or fingerpaint? give me those! get out of the way! he's in a pretty bad temper. how was i to know he wanted building blocks. all right. now, boy. let's open up and look at it, huh? all right, now let's get this in position.

(whirring) there. he he. now that should do it. get it out of there. thank you. now, i'll just have this developed and be right... oh, what am i doing. eh, i'll be back. what was all that about, wilbur? he just took a picture of your tooth. oh, so in case he pulls it out, i'll remember how it looked. he wanted to find out what the trouble was. -oh. -come on, let me have a look in there, will you? open wide! (wilbur muttering to ed) huh?

hello, colonel. it's nice to see you again. captain vernon, what are you doing here? well, i, uh... um... i... uh, uh. well he just happened to drop in for dinner, dear. yes, yes. i was in the neighborhood and i thought i'd drop in to say "hello". well, that's fine. i'm glad you did. oh, carol. you have no idea how sick poor wilbur is. i followed him tonight and do you know what he did? he took mr. ed to a medical building, broke into a dentist's office and began playing doctor with his horse. colonel, your building blocks came in. and they're the giant-sized, too. oh, now stop that. i've got proof right here. there.

a picture of my face? i, uh... (groans) oh, i guess i was in such a hurry, i held the camera backwards. yes, yes. of course, of course. now, why don't we just sit down on the couch, and have a nice little chat, shall we? chat about what? -oh, well we might talk about many things. -name one. -hey, hey. i'm sorry i'm late, but... -lieutenant? as your former commanding officer, i order you to tell the truth. is that clear? -yes, sir. -this morning, were you playing chess in the barn? and after that did you take your horse up to the barn roof, and tonight did you take your horse to a dentist's office? is that true or not? -that's true, sir. -ha, there. (laughing) well, you see, what happened... hello... (laughing) well, what happened, is ed got this toothache, you see. and the vet wanted to pull it out, while i got to thinking, "why pull out a perfectly good tooth when all it might need is a little filling?"

i hope that's all it needs. we won't know for sure until the x-rays come through. i see... why don't you, uh, sit down, mr. post? -oh, right here? -right here will be fine. oh, thank you. you see, ed's scared to death of the vet. that's why he was on the barn roof, he didn't want to get his tooth pulled. (both laughing) and it is true that you play chess with your horse? well, you know, just now and again.

-hey, ed. i'm back. -hi. did you pass that psychiatric examination? oh, it was a cinch. well, they put me through a lot of tests, but there's nothing wrong with me. oh, no? let's face it, wilbur, you're a bit eccentric. eccentric? yeah! what man talks to a horse? hm. i suppose you're so normal, huh? what horse talks to a man? (laughing heartily) i guess we're just a couple of kooks, huh? yeah. oh, look. i got some good news for you. i just dropped by the dentist and there's nothing wrong with you. -you're just getting a new tooth. -oh, darn the luck. -what do you mean? -well, i was hoping i'd get a gold filling. a gold filling, why? to make the fillies think i'm a rich horse.

hey! how about a game of ping pong, kook? okay. i better lock the door first, huh? yeah, that's a good idea. because the next time you might not pass those tests. yeah, yes. oops! (laughing) (ball bouncing) wilbur: hey, good shot, ed! oops! (grunts) got you with that one! come on, let's keep this rally going, huh? ooh! (wilbur laughing heartily) ah, darn you, ed! winnie, you'll never believe what's going on in that barn. wilbur and that horse are... (stammering) they, they... uh... yes, colonel? what about wilbur and the horse? (stammering) well, they...

where'd you put my building blocks? you are without shoes again. i will go fetch your slippers. no, no, no, please. don't bother. don't bother. it's no bother at all, master. i don't like being fussed over-- when i'm working, i don't like being fussed over. but, master, i do not-- please don't call me "master." it makes me feel like a fat old caliph. oh, thou art neither old nor fat. thou art most handsome. am i? mmm. what did i do with that glue? oh, i'll get it. hey, hey, hey! now, be careful.

do i not know it.