do i not know it. every night, to fashion a child's toy. it's not a child's toy. this is an exact replica of the one we're gonna use next month. master? there's a moon out tonight. would it not be pleasant to stroll along the beach? hm-hmm. yeah. yeah, why don't you do that. [speaks in arabic dialect] there. there, it's done. how about that, huh? looks real enough to blast off, doesn't it, hm? [giggles] well, master, back to the old drawing board.

[ ] [chuckles] what art thou laughing at?

i'm reading a scroll. "the eman-ci-pa-tion of modern woman." what does it mean? jeannie-- oh, you don't have to worry about things like that. oh, but i do. i want to understand your way of life, so that i can please you. well, you please me very much. matter of fact, you're... you're perfect. [giggles] dost thou really think so? yes. yes, i do. oh, uh, do you have to say, "dost thou"? we say, "do you." oh. do you think it would be possible for me to view the sights of your village tonight? why, certainly. [chuckles] [chuckles] oh-- oh, no, no. why not? well, it's the way you're dressed. you look like a fugitive from a costume party. well-- how should i dress? oh, i don't know. uh... why don't you pick out someone that dresses well and copy them. [giggles]

oh, but you do dress well. well, thank you very much. but i-i wish you'd stop these silly little tricks. so...except for the manner in which i speak, dress and act... i am perfect? that's right. now, you just keep working at it. remember... practice makes perfect. i'm a little late now. i'll see you tonight. [sighs] [door closes] master! master! [car zooms away] hiya, captain nelson! how's the old boy? "are you a loser in the battle between the sexes?"

"is the man in your life aloof, indifferent to you, impossible to please?" mm-hm. "does he fail to appreciate what you have to offer as a person, as a female?" hm. the answer is obvious. "the answer is obvious." "one, you must learn how to challenge his masculine arrogance." [chuckles wickedly] "two, you must be independent, self-reliant, unpredictable. "three, you must learn to cope with him on his own grounds. in short, you must become a modern american woman." roger: check manual-mode ecs operation. tony: manual mode ecs satisfactory. check o-2 tanks one and two pressures. [click]

jjjoookkwf [speaks indistinctly] bellows: check suit temperature. suit temperature is low. check suit pressure. suit pressure normal. i'm feeling a little light-headed. switch to your manual auxiliary oxygen. you hear me, tony? i hear you. now give me a reading on your oxygen supply. o-2 flow is...normal. ugh! okay. i'll bring you down, tony. tony: roger. yeah? i mean, roger, i'm coming down. oh. [clears throat] hi, roge.

oh, we'll have it checked. how are we feeling? hungry, sir. well, didn't you eat your tube of roast beef? that's what made me hungry. i'll see you in the morning, captain. all right. get dressed. i got a real treat for you. i found the greatest chinese restaurant run by a greek, and the egg foo yung, mmm. you'll have to count me out. i'm gonna have dinner at home. how did you swing that, old bachelor buddy? um... well, i have a girl who comes in part-time. and she cooks dinner for you? yeah, sure. every night. well, where did you find this treasure? i, uh, picked her up on the beach. see you, roge. uh, uh. think you could have this girl cook for both of us some night? no, no, no. you wouldn't like it. she's a terrible cook. jeannie! home!

ahem. jeannie. are you there?! jeannie? [kicks bag] now, what is going on here? jeannie. [kicks bag] oh! there-- hiya, master! how's the old boy? how's the old boy? what have you been doing? i've been doing nothing. yeah, well, i know that, but i mean, what have you been doing? i have been studying the "emancipation of modern woman." oh. oh, that. i guess you got so caught up in it, you forgot to do the housework? oh, i did not forget. i decided to let you do it.

"how not to be a drudge. share the work with him." now, come on-- that's what it says. yeah, but that advice is for ordinary women. now, you're not ordinary women. you're a genie, jeannie. i mean, all you have to do is bat your eyes, and presto! no more presto. you must not take me for granted. y-- i never did that in my-- i never-- and besides, i'm an astronaut. i'm not a housekeeper. mmm. you must widen your horizons. yes. and you must take a little-- here, i have a present for you. now-- now, tha-- this is going just too far. [doorbell rings] [squeals] oh, no, you don't. no, you don't! [stammers] now-- jeannie, no, no, no! jeannie. will you just calm down, hm? yes? man: delivery for mrs. nelson. [squeals] mrs. nelson?! where do you want these? back at the store. i'll take them. sign this, please. what's going on here? a woman should have the kind of wardrobe

yeah. the mink coat will arrive tomorrow. mink coat? where did you get the money for all this? chapter three: "how to open a charge account." yeah, well, i want you to forget this subversive literature. all those boxes go-- go straight back to the store. i don't know how you think i'm gonna have the money to spend on this kind of thing. jeannie, it's-- i just can't afford this-- jeannie... you are pleased? pleased? oh, you're beautiful. i may keep the gown? is it... very expensive? insanely. you may keep the insanely. a-and the slippers? and the slippers. a-a-and the perfume? [sniffs] and the perfume. [squeals] thou art all heart. you didn't learn that from reading any magazine.

famished. [chuckles quietly] what will we have? champagne. mm-hmm. caviar. mm-hmm. filet mignon? what next? oriental. uh, uh, fresh asparagus? mm-hmm. uh, baked alaska. yes. [chuckles] uh, uh, napoleon brandy with the coffee? mm-hm. [giggles] well? well, what? aren't you gonna conjure it up? oh, nay, master. no more of those silly little tricks. from now on, you will do the conjuring,

uh, why don't i order for both of us. uh, we'll have two filet mignons. we will have fish.

lesson two: "you must be independent, self-reliant, unpredictable without seeming obvious." ahem. we'll have two fillets...of sole. may i suggest a white wine with the fish? a nice chablis? yes, yes. that'll be fine. oh, i will have champagne. lesson number three. no, five. "an expensive woman is a popular woman." champagne, please. very good. jeannie, i think it's very nice that you want to learn more about modern american women, but a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. do you realize, master, that this is the first time you have ever taken me out? i want it to be a memorable occasion. oh, i'll remember it all right. i'll remember how beautiful you look. [giggles] well, that is because i am having such a wonderful time. good. i have not enjoyed myself so much since the night my master, the sultan harun al-rashid, entertained the great marco polo. you really met marco polo?

we used to hunt wild boar together. what was he like? oh, he was a wild bore. are you sure you need this? yeah-- oh, yes, yes. pour, please. [fanfare playing] [applause] bonsoir, mesdames et messieurs. for your pleasure, the tail of the peacock is happy to present a program of authentic harem dance. [loudly] oh, i used to do those dances at parties for the sultan. performed by the distinguished artiste, sadelia! [applause]

[clinking cymbals] in my day, she would be flung to the crocodiles.

she has never been a harem dancer. that girl is an impostor! [quietly] jeannie, please. she is not fit to dance for an audience of camel drivers. be quiet, jeannie, please. i'll show you how the dance should be done! all right, lady. now, we are going home. oh. she calls that harem dancing? monsieur! i know, i know, i know. we're going. not before you pay your bill. hm? oh! sorry about that. sorry about that? sixty-four dollars?! that includes the amusement tax. we were not amused. neither were we, mademoiselle.

she is my wife. sorry about that. here. keep the change. [mutters] come on. [giggles] [music playing at high speed] [both laughing] that's the funniest thing i ever saw. that poor girl. [chuckling] well, i am pleased that it amused you, master. [chuckles] where are we going tomorrow night? nowhere. oh, but-- but there are 17 more lessons that i have not tried out yet. yeah, well, forget it. i don't think they had you in mind when they wrote that magazine article, jeannie. but... but i-i want to be a typical woman. well, woman, maybe. typical, never. a woman, maybe? i have been practicing for over 2000 years. you just better keep right on practicing, young lady,

but your behavior this evening was absolutely disgraceful. oh, and let me tell you one more thing--

oh, jeannie, i'm ready for breakfast. hey, how about conjuring up some... bacon and eggs?

now, jeannie, come on. you might have waited breakfast. let's see, uh... "demonstrator wanted. "no... "no experience necessary. sam's discount center." good morning. allah be with you. huh? ladies, gaze upon the ultimate in kitchen wonders: the miracle oven. well, what about it? oh, what about it? uh...well... uh, it-- its wonders include an automatic timer, electric clock, stainless-steel counter, built-in meat thermometer, an all-new, built-in roasterama interior, heh. uh, whatever that is. eh... it's just like all the others. come on, pauline. let's try the shop across the street. oh, please, wait! if you do not fork over,

oh, believe me. believe me. this miracle oven is truly magical. for instance? well, uh... i-it will cook whatever you desire... [snaps] ...instantly. instantly? i will demonstrate. it is done. i don't believe it. i will show you. [all gasping] [crowd chattering indistinctly] did you see what i saw, pauline? i think so, frances. i think i'll buy one. [all shouting] you wouldn't like it. now, really, ladies, we-- when you get home, it won't work.

all: yeah. all right. jeannie: oh. uh, what kind of a cake do you desire? oh. devil's food. food of a devil? pauline: oh. well, chocolate cake? with coconut icing. [snaps] here you are. [all gasping] woman 2: that's fantastic. [whistles] do you know what it is? sure. it's a fraud. she's a phony! [crowd yelling] pardon me, ladies. pardon me, ladies. ladies, ladies, ladies-- ladies, will you please don't be excited? it's just some little misunderstanding, i'm sure. i was just pitching a demo, so they would fork over a commission. that discount store across the street sent you here to make trouble. oh, no! yeah, let's go, jeannie. she's not going anywhere. oh, yes, she is. don't let her get away!

jeannie. you've been in there all evening. now, come on out. jeannie, there's no reason to be unhappy. it could have happened to anyone. [sobs quietly] it could not have happened to a modern woman. you were right. i'm a failure as a woman. oh, you are not. you're everything a man could want. you're-- you're warm and considerate. affectionate. oh, master. you need an outlet for all that affection in you. oh, that is what i've been trying to tell you. and i have the answer. oh. yes? you need a pet. a pet?

did you ever own a pet back there? oh, yes. once. his name was sim. the sultan gave him to me. good. well, first thing tomorrow morning, you run down to the pet shop and get one just like him. or better yet, why don't you... fetch old sim here? oh, master, thou art brilliant. ohh. [nervously] ah, ha. yeah. [snorts] [sighing] oh. ooh. you were leaving without me. i explained everything in my note. i was on my way to a-- [grunts] to a military mission. where? to a city called hollywood, in a place called california, where they make moving pictures. why must you go? because nasa has assigned me as a technical director for an astronaut movie that mammoth studios is going to make.

mm-hm. yeah. that's right. well, actually, it stars rita mitchell. rita mitchell has had six husbands and is looking for her seventh. oh, you are going to need all the help i can give you. say, that's a cute outfit. where do you think you're going? i am going with thee. i have never seen pictures that move or a rita mitchell. well, it's really nothing much to see. besides, you've got your studying to do, young lady. and that's important. you got 2000 years to catch up on. uh, by the way, have you done your homework? but there are so many things in your newspapers and books that i do not understand. well, just take, uh-- take the red crayon, and circle all the things you don't understand, and i'll explain it all-- explain everything to you... [sighs] why can i not make red circles in hollywood?

come on. yes? the car is here, captain. huh? can i get your bags? uh, no, no, i'll take care of my own bags. and i'll see you in a moment, sergeant. yes, sir. thank you. now, jeannie. now-- hey, hey, hey, i got a good idea. a very, very good idea. look, i'm gonna-- i-i'm gonna put my name on this envelope. and i'm gonna give you the address of my hotel... in hollywood, california, and anything you don't understand, you just mail to me, and i'll explain to you by return mail. see? as you wish, master. i hope your journey gives you much pleasure. there are no pleasures involved in this. this is a military assignment direct from washington d.c. now, you be a good girl.

thank you, jeannie. write often. [ ]

[ ] thank you. here you are. thanks. rita mitchell, huh? [knock] captain nelson? mm-hm?

rita, or should i say, ms. mitchell, as your technical advisor, i want you to know that no sacrifice is too great. master, what is medicare? jeannie, what are you doing here? don't tell. don't tell me. i know. i know. you couldn't finish the article until you knew what a "medicare" was. thou art so clever. [chuckles] oh, god, if there's anything i can't stand, it's a smart-aleck genie. if i was so clever, i'd never have opened your bottle on that beach. oh, art thou really sorry? no, i guess not. i've grown accustomed to your smoke. oh, so that is rita mitchell? she is beautiful. "rita mitchell's six husbands. who will be number seven?" [phone rings] yes? yes, this is captain nelson here. oh, h-hello, mr. tracy. uh-huh. st-stage 12-a?

right. thank you. that's the producer. he's waiting for me at the studio. what am i gonna do with you? take me with you. as what? a harem dancer? this is business. meet thy new secretary. jeannie, i'm going to put my foot down. you are not gonna leave this room. i can't have you-- we are late, master. pardon me, um, i'm captain nelson. i have an appointment with mr. tracy. oh, yes, captain. mr. tracy is waiting for you on stage 12-a. you'll find it down this way. to the left. thank you. charlie, i want you to make rita mitchell's spacesuit look like a bikini. remember, the male eyes of america expect to see her that way. well, captain nelson. i see it didn't take you long to get here.

tony: thank you very much. this is my secretary, miss...jeannie. and what is your first name, my dear? uh, jeannie. oh, jeannie jeannie. we haven't had one of those around here since simone simon. n-now our picture deals with an american astronaut named thompson, who finds himself in a rather interesting predicament, inasmuch as it has become necessary to reduce him to the size of a pinhead. the size of a pinhead? you see, captain, by reducing this little astronaut... ...it is now possible to inject him into the body of a russian astronaut. say, about the size of you. now, here, we have an enlargement of the astronaut. oh, he's cute.

the tiny american works his way slowly but torturously through bone and marrow into his very brain. oh, even i cannot do that. i'll bet you could. she's got a sense of humor, huh? oh, yes--yes, she's a million laughs. what does he do-- the little astronaut. --once he gets inside there? i hope he does not sneeze. not a bad idea. on second thought, negative. it might scatter the information he's obtained. now--now we have the little astronaut inside the big astronaut, and he has obtained information vital and necessary

any questions? yes. how does the little astronaut get out? good question. how does he get out? i'd better track down that writer of ours, wherever he is. i want you to know that we have put the best story minds in hollywood on this. and we have spared no expense in casting. we've done our part. now you must do your part. and what's that, sir? keep this picture believable. man: ms. mitchell, ready on the set, please. i want you to meet our lovely astronaut, ms. rita mitchell. ready, ms. mitchell.

the famous captain tony thompson. nelson. oh, well, i'm impressed. henry, i never thought i'd get to meet a real live astronaut. we--well, i never thought i'd get to meet a real-life... rita mitchell. i'm giving a little cocktail party tonight in your honor at my house. um, shall we say 7:00? oh, 7:00 will be fine. good. o-oh, and of course, you're invited too. oh, thank you. it will be a welcome change from staying home alone with my bottle. [coughs] they're ready for you, ms. mitchell. oh, yes. [ ] oh, there you are, darling. come in. i am sorry we are late, but captain nelson had much dictating to do.

i'm three olives ahead of you. [both chuckle] this is captain nelson's secretary. and i think maybe i'm in the wrong business. [laughs] maybe you're in the wrong business. isn't she scrumptious? this is jeannie jeannie. a name worth repeating. this is hubie, and this is chris daily. how do you do? tracy: tell me, how long have you been a secretary? uh, since noon. oh? and where did you study stenography? uh, where did i study, uh, what? i've always been fascinated by space. i'm a scientist at heart. [chuckles] no kidding? you don't look like one. don't laugh. i have a master's degree in physics. really? well, maybe you're in the wrong business. maybe you should think of becoming an astronaut. jeannie. you don't mind if i call you jeannie, do you? you know, you really ought to think

there aren't many girls like you around. how did you know? well, i-- [chuckles] you know, honey, you're my kind of people. [chuckles] the, uh, neck ring fits onto the suit here, and the helmet threads onto it. and the unit is carried by hand. do you believe in fate? oh, yes. i do too. oh, you and i are gonna make beautiful musicals together. let's have a drink on that. well, i can't offer you the excitement i'm sure you're used to as an astronaut, but i do hope you'll let me show you the real hollywood. [thunder crashes] that sounds exciting. good, then we'll start with lunch tomorrow in beverly hills. beverly hills. about 1:00? oh! oh! oh, boy!

jeannie, you cut this out! now, jeannie, i'm not kidding, this time you've gone too far!

[with stuffy nose] you rained on me. go on, deny it. deny that you were that rainstorm. i refuse to answer on the grounds that you might get angry. get angry? i'd like to mail you home. your home, not mine. you are going out again with the woman of many husbands? yes, as a matter of fact, i am. we're gonna have lunch and discuss the picture. and i don't want you raining in my soup. master, if i were a movie star, would you have lunch with me? sure. sure. any time. i'll see you later. goodbye. then i will have to become a movie star. i do not know how, but if it will save him, then i must do it.

may i get down now, please? hold it. don't move. you could get hurt up there. i'll let you down. ooh. i wish you extras would quit playing around with our equipment. hey, who are you? you're not one of our extras. i am looking for mr. tracy. uh, is he here? oh, is he expecting you? oh, no, i do not think so. but last night he said i should be a star like rita mitchell. oh. oh-ho, just like that, huh? yes. i would like to be a star by tonight, if it is not too much trouble for you. oh, no, no. no trouble at all, ha-ha-ha. you know what she needs? a screen test.

what can you do? well, i can make myself into smoke. oh, no, no. everybody does that. did you have a scene ready? a scene? a scene. lines. some dialogue. do you know, uh, "the face on the barroom floor"? no. but i can recite the rub*iy*t of omar khayy*m. he would not mind. he was a friend of mine. a friend of yours, huh? oh, yes. he used to try out all his material on me. he wrote poetry. oh, look. oh, how lovely. it's just like home. it is empty. [laughs] isn't she beautiful. isn't she beautiful. say, listen.

for the test? i-if you so desire. action. [gong] the moving finger writes and, having writ, moves on nor all thy piety nor wit can lure it back to cancel half a line nor all thy tears wash out a word of it and when like her o s*k^, you shall pass among the guests star-scattered in the grass and in your joyous errand reach the spot where i made one turn down an empty glass [applause] who is she? i'm sorry, mr. huberts. i didn't know you came back from lunch. i'll get rid of her right away.

i wanna test her. oh. screen test? jeannie, they were putting you on. putting me on what? i mean, they were teasing you. you just can't walk into a film studio and get a screen test. i did it for you. now i can please you as much as rita mitchell does because i'm going to be a big star. yeah, who said so? jason huberts. he is a very nice man. he is going to help me. he's gonna help you what? oh, master. is it that you are jealous of him? no, don't be ridiculous. of course i'm not jealous of him. i just--well, i hate to see a nice genie like you make a fool of yourself. that's all. he makes a very handsome caliph. listen, the last time you got involved with a caliph, it cost you the best 2000 years of your life. i wish you would not speak to me as though i were a child. after all, i'm-- i'm older than you are. yeah, on a mere technicality. jeannie, i'm just telling these things to you for your own good.

i've gotta go and meet ms. mitchell. oh, i was hoping that you would come see my screen test. well, i can't. the whole thing's ridiculous. where is it showing? at the studio. in mr. tracy's projection room. well, i have another engagement. i can't. this had better be good, hubie. you're taking me away from-- oh, hello, jeannie. you're gonna love this kid, henry. i can't wait. all right, roll it. [projector whirring] man: action. the rose is pale and lifeless compared to thy ruby lips. jeannie: oh, mighty caliph,

the strength cometh from my love. hold me. what is this? what's the gag? huberts: my desert siren, when thou lookest at me this way, it seemeth as though thou wert looking right through me. all right, cut it. cut it. who's the droll fellow that thought this little stunt would be amusing? you, hubie? me? i tell you, she was in that test. she was brilliant. it must have been the cameraman or special effects. dragging a busy man away for this nonsense... when he's got little astronauts to worry about. jeannie, i--

[sneezes] sorry. [sobbing] master, wha--? what are you doing here? i came to see your screen test. i did not know they could not make pictures of me. jeannie. here. if there's anything i can't stand, it's a crying genie. you are being kind. do-- do not bother with me.

i cancelled that date. i promise i-i will not rain on you anymore. you what? i cancelled that date. why? well, i was a little worried about you. oh, master. i cannot believe it. you can't believe what? i have taken thee away from the biggest movie star in hollywood. [laughing]

[ ] master, what is all this? hm? oh, these are footprints of hollywood movie stars. oh. there's clark gable, wallace beery.

well, for one thing, you can't do it that way. uh, the cement would have to be soft. oh, tabitha, your daddy is going to be awfully proud of you this evening. imagine -- pointing at your age. hi, sweetheart. hi, darling. hello, tabitha. did you have a nice day today? well, we had a very important day today. darling, you have a most unusual daughter. well, what makes you say that?

well, what did she do that was so unusual?