let me carry those. you're not supposed to carry heavy things. you had a heart attack. please, everyone, i don't want to hear the words heart attack. mom's right. you shouldn't overexert yourself since you had the... h-thingy. look, i had a... h-thingy. i'm doing fine now.

d-thingy. steven, i think you're slowly losing your m-thingy. what's for dessert, mom? i made chocolate pudding. i lovechocolate pudding. that's not for you. this is yours-- seaweed-bran pudding. elyse, this wasmy main course. not with plankton whip. mm-mmm. hi. sorry i'm late. thanks for the ride. hi, skipper. would you likesome dessert? no, thanks. i'm just going to go home to my room and carry on with my pointless and lackluster life. say hello to your parents. skippy, issomething wrong? it's not something. it's everything! today we got the results of our job aptitude tests. how did you do? oh, great!

let's hope you use your power for good instead of evil. how'd you do, skip? oh, not bad.i did fine. yeah? what are you good at? converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. there's a real future in that, skip. i've hit my peak.it's all downhillfrom here. come on, it'll work out. why don't you come with me for dessert? no, thanks. i'm going to baskin-robbins. steven,don't you dare! i'm just going to fondle some sherbet. you brought home those career brochures. i'm sure there's something in there for you. maybe you're right. "join the circus. become a human cannonball."

oh, no. it's hopeless. maybe i should go into business with my father. what's he doingthese days? he's retired. come on. look at all thesecareer opportunities-- computer technician,dental assistant, bookkeeping,chimney sweep. look at this-- the army. don't run away from chimney sweep. it says you can travel, meet interesting people, work with state-of-the-art technology. come on, you're reallynot the army type. what do you mean? it's in my blood. one relative was a revolutionary war hero-- lieutenant zachariah handleman. he was the first american soldier to be captured by his own troops. skip, be serious. that's a very big step. this is the dawn of a new, tough, courageous, independent skippy handleman.

you ok? yeah. i'm sergeant davis.can i help you? hi, sergeant davis. i'm alex b. keaton, and this is irwin handleman. irwin wants to join the army. that's good. what makes youinterested in the army? i want to be a man, sir. well, we can'tpromise anything, irwin. but we'll do our best. alex, why do you want to join? no, no, no.i'm really notthe military type. i'm a...i'm a business major. perhaps you'll want to join our new, elite fighting force-- the airborne accounting corps. the soldiers of fiscal warfare. we drop these troops behind hostile territory,

uh, well, actually i'm from a family of fiscal pacifists. too bad. have a seat. irwin, let me ask some questions. ok, shoot. age? 20. any law violations? some people sayi violate the lawsof natural selection. education? two years of college. great! where? grant college. oh. well, you know, sergeant davis, grant college... well, being an institute of lower learning, has produced some fine military prospects. may i remind you that grant college is named for ulysses s. grant.

both fine fighting men in their own right. alex, you might be an excellent candidate for our airborne verbal assault team. you flatter me. well... irwin, militarily speaking, is there a specific area that particularly interests you? i've always seen myselfdriving a tank. i feel well-preparedbecause my fatherhas a buick. tanks it is. i'm in? there are a few formalities to complete, but i sense that you're good army material. all right! hey, skip, you're moving really fast. are you serious about this? i feel really goodabout this. you've got eight weeks of basic training at fort wharton. where's that? just outside dayton. whoa! right on the front lines. i'll beseeing you there.

i'll beyour drill instructor. he'll warm up to you, sarge. don't mind if i do. thanks. dad! these chips aren't for you. they've not been approved by the american heart association. what can i eat? do you think we're insensitive? we've got the perfect solution-- cardiac chips. these are homemade.there's nothing badin them-- no salt, fat,or preservatives. great. what's the recipe? thinly slice a raw potatoand serve. [doorbell rings] that must be the handlemans. they're upset about skippy going, so try to be supportive and show them a good time. hello. private handlemanreporting for party, sir. hey. at ease, handleman, at ease. come in, rose. harry, good to see you.

thank you for throwing this shindig for irwin. i'm sure he'd do the same if we enlisted. we're so proud of him. he's going to besuch a wonderful soldier. he's goingto look so handsomein his uniform. don't worry, mom. i'll call every day-- twice a day! once a day is fine. every other day is fine. well, everybody, help yourselves. have something to eat. what's he going to eat in the army? he doesn't eat everything. it won't be like the good nourishing food he's been eating at our house and yours all these years. these are raw. when are you shipping out? sergeant davis is coming here to get me so we can reach fort wharton by 0600 hours,

is 600 hours after "o." i spoke tosergeant davison the phone. he sounds very nice. i told him aboutall of irwin's special sweetlittle quirks. you don't have to do that. you can't watch me every minute. i've got to grow up sometime. he's a big boy now. he's not the same skippy that used to chew an old blue blanket. did you pack it, mom? it's in there right next toyour asthma inhalerand night light. [doorbell rings] excuse me. oh, sergeant davis, i presume. that's correct. steven keaton. how are you? 4-f. flat feet, trick knee, heart attack. that's good to know. come in. sergeant davis, everyone.

you don't have to salute. if you do this at the base, nobody will want to share a foxhole with you. sergeant davis, i'm rose handleman. we spokeon the phone. i haven't forgotten. your son can't digest milk products. don't forget,at night-- he kicks off the covers and needs to be tucked in. guess i'm off to war. what about you, alex? it's not too late. no, sergeant. really. actually, i inherited my dad's trick knee. yeah. alex, you don'thave a trick knee. jennifer, listen-- whoa! my foot just went flat. wow. this is really goodbye. well, not quite yet. rose, harry, skippy, look.

but, uh...it's hard to put it in words, so, uh... [plays harmonica] [humming the battle hymn of the republic] goodbye, mrs. keaton. i'll never forget you. i'll miss you so much. you've meantthe world to me. mr. keaton, you'llwait for me, won't you? we better go now. glory, glory, hallelujah glory, glory, hallelujah glory, glory, hallelujah

[daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment.

hurry. inspection's in five. irwin, come on, get up. one more minute, mommy. i'm not your mommy. i've got a gun. oh. hi, holworthy. hi, snookums. get up. it's inspection. you've already failed twice. this time, i'm prepared. pull yourselftogether, or you'll loseyour weekend pass. what are you doing with your weekend pass? i thoughti'd stay here and brush up onthe geneva convention. you hear what handleman's doing with his weekend pass? brushing up on the geneva convention. what the hell is the geneva convention? you should stay and brush up with me. you talking to me,handleman?

you're not scaring me. ok, maybe you are scaring me. ten-hut! ready for inspection? yes, drill sergeant! actually, i could use a few more minutes. put a lid on it, soldier! soldiers, stand at ease. get to your bunks. good job, curtis. well done, matthews. good job, strauss.

are you looking for something specific? yes. i'm looking forthe signs of a soldier, and i don'tsee one here. um...sergeant davis, can we talkfor a minute? what happened to us? we used to be so close. don't you remember, backat the recruiting office? well, we'll always have columbus, handleman. but right now, when one of you screws up, you let the whole platoon down. when one of you fails, you all fail! weekend passes revoked, compliments of private irwin handleman. um...

guys, i've got some extra fig newtons. [whistling] who am i kidding? celery dog, elyse? steven, tonight you'regoing to get lucky.

that's what i was talking about. you've been pathetic, eating low-cholesterol food. i called dr. harrison, and he said occasionally you could have a small treat. don't tease me, elyse. feast your eyes on this. oh, god, elyse.thank you. no, no. you can't have it all. you can just have this much. aren't you going to finish?

we got a postcard from skippy. what's it say? i don't know. it's in spanish. "mis amigos keatons. todo esta muy bueno aqui en akron." it was somethingabout akron. how do you know, jennifer? did you take spanish? you know... he's only been gone a couple of weeks, but i really miss our little skippito. i can't believe this, dad, but i have to agree with you.

like when he'd come over, instead of knocking, he'd squish his face against the glass-- aah! skippy. skippy! i didn't think they'd give you time off. do the letters a-w-o-l mean anything to you? you went awol? that's right. i went awol. what is awol? i means absent without leave. really? i thought it literally meant "a wall," as in "going over a wall," which i did. what are you talking about? you said everything was fine. it was a disaster. nobody liked me. come on, skip. you should be used to that. [knock on door] sergeant davis! what am i going to do? well, skip, no, i-- well, sergeant davis. mr. keaton.

about-face. i'm looking forprivate irwin handleman. do you hear that, steven? he's look-- he's looking for private irwin-- want a celery dog, sir? i'm here, sergeant davis. thank you, mrs. keaton, but this is my problem, and i've got to deal with it. folks, would you mind if i speak tothe private privately? [humming the battle hymn of the republic] handleman,you have committeda very serious offense. going awolis one of ourleast favorite things. what's going to happen to me now?

or we could put youon a rock pile. or we could do what we're going to do, let you out. you can do that? it's called a trainee discharge for unadaptability. this won't be the firstone of these i've gotten. look, irwin. part of growing up is finding out where you fit in and where you don't. we both know you don't fit into the army. i don't feel good about this. i feel like i'm quitting. you're not. you're fired. great. back to square one. i'm no good at anything. listen to me,irwin. it took courage for youto join the army. that's the same courage

you're goingto become a man. thank you, sergeant davis. alex, i want you! you know, actually, i've been thinking about that airborne accounting corps and-- oh! darn. the old trick knee. i'll be back for you. irwin.

public performance of captions prohibited without permission ofnational captioning institute captions copyright what would we do, baby without us what would we do, baby without us and there ain't no nothin' we can't love each other through what would we do, baby without us