in his postcard, he says, "make sure there's plenty of yogurt in the icebox." - doesn't harry every get romantic? - not him. once he said, "blanche, pucker up your lips." and i thought to myself, "ooh, this is it." - but it wasn't? - well, when i puckered up he looked at me and he said, "you know, i was right. "you would look better with a smaller mouth." (audience laughter) - oh, no. blanche, don't feel so bad. look at george. he's never been romantic. even when he was courting me. - really? - oh, well of course. he'd sit with me in the living room, and from our window there was a beautiful view of san francisco. but would george look at it? no, he'd just close the curtains and turn down the lights. - that's bad? - well, it annoyed my mother and father. with the lights low, the four of us couldn't continue with our bridge game. (audience laughter) - well, i'm going, honey, i have to turn off my sprinklers. gracie, we keep complaining about our husbands

but we don't do one thing to encourage them. - you know, you're right blanche. now take george. i doubt if he's had dinner by candlelight since electricity came in. - well, i for one am going to do something about it. - well, if you want to do it for one, do it. but i'm going to include george and do it for two. it's more fun that way. (audience laughter) - now i am going. - gracie, is breakfast ready? i'm starved. - it certainly is, lover. (audience laughter) - lover, at 8:00 in the morning? she must have said liver. bacon is delicious for breakfast. - dear, sit here. - candlelight?

- well, no dear, but candlelight is so much more romantic. in fact, it almost matches my fiery moods. how's that? - well that's real nice, but i had my heart set on some fried liver. - oh, george, look at my gown. doesn't it do something to you? - it's beautiful. -oh, well, before i put on my apron, how do you like the back of it? - well, the back and the front would look better if i could see them over a piece of fried liver. - oh, dear. for a few moments, let's forget reality. forget that we are married. you are a man, and i am a woman. let's not forget that. - good. let's not forget breakfast, either. - so let's live and love. and the more loving we live, the more we will love living. - i feel that way too, and i'll settle for some orange juice. - orange juice? - that's right. just a glass of orange juice.

champagne for breakfast? 1927. that was a good year for orange juice, too. would you care for a glass? - oh, no thanks. it might make me dizzy. (audience laughter) - that straight line i'll skip. i'll drink that later. how about some cereal? - oh, well dear, i couldn't make crepe suzette. sso i had to make oatmeal. - good, oatmeal is fine. (audience laughter) flaming oatmeal? - i told you, i couldn't make crepe suzette.

on the bottom of my bowl. - gracie, are you ready to... what are you ready for? - well, blanche, it was your idea. you said our husbands are not romantic anymore because we don't encourage them. - so this leaked out of the little hole in your head, huh? - well, harry's coming home tomorrow, and-- - i'll get dressed, and we'll go shopping, huh, blanche? goodbye, dear. - goodbye. - oh, will you miss me? - of course i'll miss you. goodbye. - goodbye. i'll only be gone an hour. - goodbye, dear. (audience laughter) - goodbye. oh, blanche, i think he's warming up. keep him that way till i get back. - goodbye, dear.

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365 days a year. call today or visit www.philipslifeline.com don't wait! i mean why don't take the chance call philips lifeline now! i wish i can help her. but i'm not the man i was 20 years ago. or 10 years ago, or 10 minutes ago. in fact, i never was the man gracie thought i was.

i'm just an older youth who's trying to keep the ashes from cooling too fast. my idea of an exciting evening is to curl up in a chair with a good book and a glass of warm milk. and the excitement comes from trying to turn the pages of the book without spilling the milk. some men fight their age, but not me. i know a fellow 60 years old, married a girl of 20 and tried to act her age. and he wore youthful clothes, and every night he took her to a cafe and never missed a dance, and didn't let 10 mintues go by without kissing her. in fact, he acted so young, that a year later when he died, his wife wanted to bury him at disneyland. (audience laughter) take mrs. vandelup, the banker's wife. i heard her say to him, "chester, you don't love me because "you don't let me sit on your lap anymore." that's not true. he still loves her. trouble is, he's reached middle age and his wife doesn't exactly sit on his lap. three quarters of it is his stomach, and it hurts.

i used to be the impulsive, romantic type. i remember when gracie and i went on our honeymoon, we stopped at this little hotel and every morning the do not disturb sign would be hanging outside the door. but i'd walk into the room anyway, and wake gracie and her mother so i could say good morning to gracie. (audience laughter) when i was a kid, i was a great lover. every time i took a girl home from the movie, i would stop for about an hour on the front porch to say goodnight to her. once a cop saw us, and said, "you and your girl better go in "and do your kissing in the living room, not out here." so we went in. pretty near put us in jail. neither of us lived there. champagne for breakfast, huh? i'm lucky if i can handle a few shots of prune juice without getting dizzy. (audience laughter) (knock on door) - [harry] george! - [george] come in! - hello, george.

- thank you. but george, i was just over to my house, and blanche isn't there. - oh, we didn't expect you until tomorrow. - well, instead of proceeding by train, i decided to fly home. - well, why didn't you wire blanche you were coming today? - i wanted to surprise her. - harry, something happened today that makes me believe that our wives don't think that we're as romantic as we should be. - oh? - but we can have a little fun if you're a good sport. - how's that? - blanche doesn't expect you until tomorrow. i'll take you over to max factor's, put a beard on you, and introduce you to blanche as somebody else. - what an intriguing jest. - oh, you don't like it. - oh, yes i do. - oh that means you do? - yes. (audience laughter) - oh. - but george, how can i keep blanche from knowing it is i? - act dramatic, that ought to do it. (audience laughter) harry, can you handle a foreign accent? - once in college dramatics, i portrayed the part of a frenchman. realistically, too. - good, that's it. - you know, george, the more i think of this,

making love to my own wife. i've always wanted to try something new. (audience laughter) - george burns, i'm ashamed of you coming over here with an idea like that. - don't you even want to meet this frenchman? - i should say not. - but he's a tall handsome looking man, as long as your husband's on-- - [blanche] now look, george. george, you are wasting your time, and i wish you would leave. - and i wasted ten dollars for a beard, too. - beard? - yeah, the one your husband is wearing. - you mean my harry is home, and he's the frenchman? - he's standing right outside the door. he came home a day early to test you. - oh? well just give me enough time to put on some perfume, and then tell lafayette i am here. (audience laughter) - you think i'm double crossing harry morton, you're right. i know i'm acting mean. but next week, i come off real kind. through the entire show, i pat a little dog on the head while he's biting me on the ankle.

mr. duval? (majestic orchestra music) mrs. morton, this is pierre duval of the french consulate here, and this is mrs. morton, whose husband is on the road. - how do you do? - enchantee. - we'll all have dinner, the four of us will have dinner about 8:00. - merci beaucoup, monsieur. a votre plaisir. - well, if you can't make it at eight, we'll make it at 8:30. (audience laughter) - um, won't you sit down, mr. duval? - merci. - oh. (laughs) - oh, oh, i'm so terribly sorry! you must understand, i just slipped. (audience laughter) of course i just slipped. after all, i'm such a lonely, frustrated woman. i have practically forgotten the meaning of love.

- it is because your husband, he is away, eh? - no, it's worse when he's home. (audience laughter) - oh, i see. - oh, please. oh, please don't do that. why it's been so long since anyone touched my hand! oh, it gives me such a strange feeling! (audience laughter) - your husband, he does not hold your hand? - only when he's trying to stop me from signing a check. (audience laughter) - oh, well, i suppose it is because the americans, they are not much for the romance, eh? - oh, that's not true. why the americans are the most wonderful lovers in the whole world. - really? - well, certainly. i guess it's just that my husband isn't a very good american. (audience laughter) - oh, you poor woman. - yes. oh, don't do that. you frenchman, you're so irresistible! - perhaps a drink would settle both our nerves.

do you think that i would let you drink from this bottle? from his glass? in his home? in... (laughs) say when. oh, you... (audience laughter)

- no, now gracie, george has warned me to help preserve our environment. i got involved. i boosted tourism in my farm community by by painting 55 barn quilts. i got involved. i enjoy gardening and love delivering a fresh supply of produce and flowers to a local shelter. i got involved. young volunteers have a winning spirit that we think is worth celebrating. middle and high school students: ask your school principal about applying for a prudential spirit of community award. volunteer! i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e

all is love is love ow! ooh ooh... [howling] announcer: for great play ideas, visit www.smallstep.gov. about getting mixed up in any more of your schemes. look, if i do it again, george will fire me and make it stick! - but i've got to save blanche! - i know, and i'd like to help, gracie, and believe me, if i was a big, brave, strong fellow with a lot of muscle, i'd go over there and throw that bearded romeo out. but i'm not. i'm not. i'm just a big fat, jolly, cowardly announcer. (upbeat music)

now where would i f... a gymnasium! - hi, george. - hello, harry. - boss, i was just over talking to gracie, and i have made a decision that will make you proud of me. - good. - she's got - you know gracie, she's got a silly idea that blanche morton is having a romance with some fellow with a beard. and she wanted me to put on a beard and go over there and break it up. and that's where i made the right move. - i'm sure you did, harry. i'm glad that you agreed to help gracie. (audience laughter) you see, the mortons are our close friend, and their home is at stake, and if you had turned gracie down, this time i'd have fired and never taken you back. - that's why i stopped in here. to tell you i'm on my way over to get the beard. - good. - should i get a long one or a short one? - and a wide one.

you want a muscle man to go to mrs. morton's house, and throw out that guy with the beard? - that's right. and right away, because her husband comes back tomorrow. - and for this, your husband will advertise my gym on his television show? - oh, that's a promise. - you've got yourself a deal. now all we need is a muscle man to do the job. - mm hmm. uh, who do you suggest? (audience laughter) - suggest? - yeah. - say, how about this one? he has a wonderful chest. - mrs. burns, take another look. - oh, do you know, you're right? this one is even better. (audience laughter) - mrs. burns. take a look at this back. - (gasps) oh my goodness! well, there's no sense in my looking at it. with lumps like that, you better see a doctor. (audience laughter) - mrs. burns, feel my bicep. - oh my goodness, you're fat. you know, you ought to exercise. (audience laughter)

- well, all right, if you think you're strong enough. - strong enough? i was mr. america in '52. - oh, i apologize. for a man of 52, you look fine. (audience laughter) goodbye, mr. foley, and come over as soon as you can. - bye, bye. - maybe blanche knew it was you. - impossible, george. why, she knows i would never stoop to such low conduct. in all the years we've been married, i have treated her with the utmost respect. - i told blanche it was you. - what? - otherwise she wouldn't have gone through with it. she was having a little fun. - well fun for her, but not for me. oh, good heavens. i have now created a standard which i will never be able to live up to! (audience laughter) - george burns, you and your ideas. i was over there trying to make love to blanche morton, and this big muscle man comes in and picks me up bodily and throws me out of the window.

- who is this? - who is that? you fellas ought to know one another, you've both been in the cough drop business for years. (audience laughter) - goerge burns, you should be ashamed of yourself. - goodbye, trade. - mark, in there and take that beard off, and i'll explain everything to you downstairs. everything but the muscle man who threw out von zell. somebody must have ad libbed him. there's no use getting angry, harry. now go back to your wife and be half the man you were. - you and your distorted sense of humor. - george, i... oh, harry, you're home. - that's right. much to my regret, i decided to arrive early. - oh, and i thought that mr. foley with the bad back had until tomorrow to throw that frenchman out. - please, no more of that, i've had enough trouble. - oh, harry, i thought i'd find you here. look, i wanted to explain about what happened this afternoon.

- what? - it's sweet of you to try to protect me. george, this dear friend of mine was trying to keep the world from knowing about my lover. i'll keep talking while you get rid of him. (audience laughter) - you have a lover? that frenchman over at blanche's house? - well, she was just keeping him there for me. but don't worry, it won't last forever. this frenchman has promised to try to forget me. he's joining the american legion. (audience laughter) then i've got nothing to worry about. - oh, hi everybody. this is gloria. (everyone says hello) - my, you're pretty. - [gloria] thank you, mrs. burns. - now, where was i? oh, yes, george dear, can you ever forgive me for loving another man? (audience laughter) - of course i forgive you. - blanche, go over there and get rid of him. - blanche, go over there and get rid of him. - yeah, i'll go throw him out.

- dad, what's going on here? - instead of telling you, ronnie, i'd rather wait and let you see it on television. - what? - nothing. how about all of us having dinner? - great. - [gracie] oh, that would be wonderful. - come on, gloria. i'll get your coat, mother. - yeah, all right, ronnie. can we have dinner by candlelight, lover? - by candlelight, yes. but this time it's gonna be liver. (audience laughter) (all talking) - now wait a minute. i pretty near forgot. eat more and weigh less. fighting fat is fun at foley's. gracie promised him.

- thank you very much.@ gracie, what member of your family will we talk about tonight? - well, how about my uncle who was a deep sea diver, doodle allen? - doodle allen, sort of a deep sea doodle. - oh, you heard of him. - well, they wrote a song about him. how did he get into that line of work? - well, he was known as an underwater man long before he ever had a diving suit. - oh? - in fact, on his first trip, he walked halfway across san francisco bay with nothing but a coffee can over his head. - he used a coffee can instead of a diving helmet? - no, no, no. he wasn't using it for anything. - oh, i see. - see, a man jammed it down over his head, and he couldn't get it off. - oh, someobdy jammed it down. - yes, and the next thing he knew, he was walking underwater, halfway to oakland. - well, with that thing jammed down over his head, he couldn't see where he was going.

he wouldn't have recognized anything. you see, he'd never walked underwater to oakland before. - yeah, well a trip like that can fade your tan. so he became a deep sea diver by accident? - accident? why, he practiced diving ever since he was a young boy. every night, he used to put his head in a goldfish bowl. - what about the goldfish? - well, he didn't want to hurt them, so he took them out and laid them on the table. - well, didn't that hurt them? - no, no. my uncle found out that they could live longer out of the bowl than-- - than he could live in it? - yeah, uh-huh. - that was quite a parlay from goldfish bowls to coffee cans to diving helmets. -mm hmm. you know, before my uncle dove, he always made sure that his helmet was on tight. and that he was wearing a tie clasp so his necktie wouldn't float out in front of his face. - hold it, hold it, hold it. he wore a neck tie when he dove? - oh, well, yes, he didn't think a man should be a sloppy dresser during working hours.

in the bay area to wear an ivy league diving suit with four buttons and no padding in the shoulders. - sort of a damp (mumbles) now, tell me about some of his adventures. - well, once he was diving for pearls, and he almost lost his life because he was such a good sport. - so he was a good sport and he almost lost his life? - yes, a swordfish swam along side of him, and he took his knife out of his belt and he started to fence with the swordfish. - oh, fence with the fish. - yes, so the swordfish scored the first point, and my uncle took his helmet off to say "touche." - we pretty near said farewell to doodle allen. - well, now one day, in the middle of winter, he cut a hole in the ice, and he went down in his diving suit. - well, it must have been pretty cold down there. - oh, it was. and after he'd been down awhile, the hole froze over and he couldn't come up. - what'd he do? - what could he do? he had to wait till spring, and the ice melted.

- well how come he didn't freeze down there, or starve? - oh, because he had his assistant pump hot soup down through the air hose, and that kept him warm, and it was nourishing too. - i know i shouldn't ask this, but with hot soup in the air hose, how did he get any air? - oh, well that was easy. he had a hole in his pants. - say goodnight. - goodnight. - goodnight. (applause) [voiceover] appearing on tonight's show - jumping torpedoes! look at that! - wow! let's get out of here, skip. - that's the yakamura. the nips don't make them any bigger. [gunfire throughout] - hey, skip, they're firing on us. what are we going to do? - i don't know. we can't make it! we can't fight a battleship. we're finished! finished! oh, thanks, chuck. i needed that!

i'm taking over! all right, men, battle stations! - but, sir, that's the yakamura! - darn the yakamura! full speed ahead! we've not yet begun to fight! don't fire till you've seen the whites of their eyes! remember the vermont! maine? maine! - so the daring young ensign took command of the 73 and then the devil may care torpedo run, sank the infamous yakamura! boy, another great chapter in my war novel, "the fighting 73." documented story of a daring young ensign who faced the japanese. cooley, determinedly, fearlessly. - after you're captured, you're not supposed to sneak up on people!

[indistinct chatter] - hi, boys. - hi, skip. - hey, chuck, there's a letter for you i just picked up over at the main base. - oh, thanks, skip! hey, it's from my girl. mary! she wrote me a letter. - hey, how's the great war novel coming? - oh, great, skip. today i captured hirohito. and that's only chapter 2. - hey, how about that! yesterday the yakamura, today hirohito. we should be home by friday! - oh, no!

- it's my girl. she's not my girl anymore! look, she wrote me a dear chuck letter. - that's a tough break, mr. parker! - what a raw deal! - go trust women! - i don't understand it, skip! mary and i grew up together. went to kindergarten together. got our first set of braces together. boy, how soon they forget. - oh, look, it's not as bad as you're making it, chuck. all she said is she just went out on a couple of dates, that's all. - yeah, with a hotshot flyboy from the air force. big hero in north africa. shot down 30 messerschmitt-- boy, have you got problems. - listen, mr. parker, don't you worry. things will work out. - why, sure it will! - i don't want bother you guys with my problems. i'm going to take a long walk... into the ocean. - hey, wait a minute! chuck! hey, chuck! - poor parker-son. - fellas, we gotta get mr. parker's girl back for him. - how? he can't compete with a guy that shot down 13 messerschmitts. - why not?

- what are you talking about, grube? - with this! they say the pen is mightier than the sword. so, virg, get into action, my boy. take a letter. let's see. we've got a choice. should we have him kidnap the emperor or sink the yakamura? - have him sink the yakamura. kidnap emperor is unfriendly act. - yes...ensign charles parker. they're going to reprint the entire letter on the front page? wonderful. i'll bring it right down to your office. bye. - oh, mary, mary, mary. - hi, chuck. how's it-- hard to port! - huh?

- reverse all engines! - too late? - there you are, capitan. - all right, sir-- - but, sir, i was at the wheel. i take full blame, sir. - carpenter? take this down. - yes, sir. - i want this man relieved of active duty as of this second. - oh, but, sir-- - oh, don't disturb me. from now on, hot rod parker here is assigned to shore duty. when he takes a bath, there are to be no boats in the tub. - no boats in the tub. - oh, don't write that! - sir, if i may say something on behalf of ensign parker. - yes, you may say good-bye to ensign parker! ensign parker is leaving the 73 and that's an order. parker, here, get me my cap. - cap! i'll get you your cap. captain's cap! here it is. look, sir, i'm really sorry about this. - ahh! - does this affect my chance for promotion, sir? - did you guys check the docks?

- i don't know. i've been around this base twice and i haven't been able to find him. - hey, sailor. have you seen anything of our ensign parker? hey, chuck! what the heck are you doing? - hi, skip. binghamton put me on pest control. he says i'm a pest that needs to be controlled. - he can't do that to you. you're an officer. - he says i'm not going to be one long. - oh, mr. parker. this ought to cheer you right up. - it's from your girl. - my girl! mary? you mean, she wrote me another letter? boy! - now, can you imagine putting an officer on a detail like this? - i can't even imagine putting an enlisted man on a detail like this. - hey, you guys. she loves me! she loves me! boy, oh, boy. - parker! - sir? - parker, get in here!

- admiral hastings? congressman fogelson here. well, one of the boys from my district finally made it. and i want to see that he gets a medal and-- who? why, parker, of course. ensign parker! he sunk the yakamura! don't you boys at the pentagon know anything that's going on out there in the pacific? never mind. i'll drop by your office and explain everything. - you call yourself an officer in the united states navy. i call you a menace! that's what i call you. you're incompetent, you're inept, you're inefficient, you're inadequate, you're in... - inconsiderate. - oh, shut up! - captain, sir! - oh, don't you ever knock? one nitwit isn't enough, now i've got a set of nitwits here. what is it? what? what? what? what? - sir, it's a signal from the pentagon. "congressman fogelson flying in from washington, will arrive taratupa 0800 friday," sir. - thank you, carpenter. - you're welcome, sir.

about peter cottontail, while she was stuffing me into my jammies. - did your folks read you peter cottontail, too? didn't you hate that mean old briar wolf? - i'd just like to kill him... what is this anyway? "arriving for formal ceremony to present a medal to the hero of taratupa." what hero? - if i may say so. there is only one man on taratupa who fits the word hero. you, sir. - me, sir? oh, me? - oh, but definitely, sir. - you've always been my hero. and not only mine, sir. all of the men respect and honor you. - yes, i know, i know, i know, but carpenter, a medal from a congressman, you've got to do something to earn an honor like that. - he's right. it's not him. - would you get out of here and spray those weeds? and be careful that old briar rabbit doesn't jump out and get you. - congressman fogelson, honored guests, it is with great pride and humility that i accept this unexpected honor.

come in! - furthermore, friends, i would like you all to know that... oh, mchale. what are you doing here? -oh. well, i came here about ensign parker, sir. i demand that he be returned to active duty, sir. - you demand of your superior officer? - you get your hands off of me. - yes, sir. stand at attention when you're in here with me. - sir! sir! if i may interrupt, sir. - no, you may not interrupt. i'm talking. and when i'm talking, i want to hear absolute silence. - captain? - that goes for you, too, you old goat! admiral elliot! how are you, sir? very nice to see you. you may snap to attention with your superior officer. - as you were. good day, gentlemen. - yes, it is a good day, admiral. a very good day. where is congressman fogelson? - the congressman is arriving on the next plane. the pentagon sent me ahead to prepare for the medal ceremony. - medal ceremony, sir? - to honor the hero of taratupa, commander. didn't you inform your men, captain? - well, yes. i did, sir. - sir, who is the hero of taratupa? we're all most anxious to know. - well, i assumed that all of you here would automatically know who it is.

- parker? - parker? - parker? - somebody call me? - this is ensign parker? - yes, sir. you can see for yourself by looking at a thing like that-- parker a hero? - hero? who's a hero? - you are according to the admiral here. - admiral, are you sure you've got the right parker, sir? i mean, you mean charles beaumont parker? - of course i'm sure. and what's he doing with that pick and shovel? - oh, well, i was out in back digging a tu-- - a tunnel! a tunnel he's digging a tunnel, admiral. he's on a special espionage detail. he's, uh... he's our tunnel expert. - tunnel expert? - yes, sir. tunnel expert. you see, old dare or die chucky here, he was volunteering his free time teaching the boys how to tunnel their way out of enemy prison camps. - it's an honor to meet you.

- tut, tut! don't salute me, boy! it is i who should salute you, the hero of taratupa! - but, admiral elliot, i don't think... - don't call me admiral elliot. call me bruce. and if you'd show me to the officer's club, i'd be pleased to buy you a drink, young man. - captain, can i have a drink with bruce? - by all means, boys. yes. and don't call me captain. don't do that to me. call me wally. well, i'll see you later, chuck. run along now. - sir, can you hang on to-- - aah! ohh, ohh! commander, if i hear one more snicker... - now, don't call me commander, sir. just call me quinton.

- come on, hurry up, hap, will ya? you know i just can't believe that mr. parker is a hero. - it's sure hard to believe, all right. - it doesn't seem possible.

- there must be some mistake. - yeah, and we made it when we sent that letter to mr. parker's girl. here. get a load of this! it just came in his mail. - oy vey! - well, that explains everything. - sure. the girlfriend went and blabbed. - boy, are we in trouble. - oh, boy. wait till the skipper finds out about this. - we don't have to wait. - hey, any of you guys seen our boy hero? - last time i saw him he was in the shack. - yeah, autographing pictures of himself to give to the nurses. - oh, brother. i gotta get down to the bottom of this. hey, chuck! chuck! - coming, skip! - autographing pictures of himself. - ready for action, commander. - what are you dressed up for? - dangerous mission. request permission to take the 73 out and its gallant crew, for a sub hunt. - a sub hunt? - a what? - a what? - here's what we do. we use the 73 as a decoy. now, we lure a sub to the surface, now, i take a raft,

now, i pull the pin. i send the grenade down the periscope. what are you guys afraid of? i'm the guy who's taking all the chances. - chuck, chuck! you're hold a live grenade. - i know i got a-- i got a--whaah! whoa! [explosion] - all right, who threw the grenade? - well-a, well-a, well-a, well-a-- - this is your last well-a, well-a, well-a, mchale. your whole pack of cutthroats are going to be up for attempted assassination for trying to kill a superior officer. now, before i lose consciousness, who threw the grenade? - i cannot tell a lie. i threw it, sir. - you threw the grenade. i ought to give you... who are you? oh, chucky. it's you! i didn't see you standing there. you, with the pin. out there with the grenade. my goodness, what a shot that was, huh?

gotten in the way. i'll have to be more careful, boy, when you're taking care of-- - that's ok, wally. - oh, not only bravery and modesty, but compassion, too. is it any wonder i picked you to be my personal aide? - personal aide? - yes, mchale. i'm afraid i'll have to borrow your executive officer once more. we have a lot of things to do in preparation for the medal ceremony. - boy, you aren't kidding, you're a mess. - you noticed that, did you? very clever of you, boy. come on, i know you'll want work on your acceptance speech. you'll probably want to say a lot of nice things about your old commanding officer. huh? - i don't get it. now, why would they pick on chuck for all this? i don't know. there's something weird going on here. - hey, grube. you'd better tune the skip in before hero parker gets us all killed. - well, either way we die. but this is less painful. skip? - what?

- oh, now, come on. who's interested in small town newspapers? - all right, so, "hometown hero sinks yakamura." what interests me is why is that congressman flying over here all the way from washington... ohh. jumping jellyfish. hubba hubba hubba. - it's our fault, skip, we sent a chapter of mr. parker's novel to his gal like it really happened. - of all the lame-brain stunts! - we were only trying to help, mr. parker. - some help! you helped him right into the brig and you guys right along with him. oh, what a mess! - where are going, skip? - i'm going to go over and try to put a stop to all this before that congressman arrives. - how did this ever get to the pentagon? who the heck reads "the chagrin falls gazette?"

- sank the yakamura! parker sank the yakamura? carpenter, where did you get this paper? - sir, i sneaked around, like you told me to, and i found a stack of these in admiral elliot's quarters. - do you actually think that it's possible that a goof like this parker could sink the biggest battleship in the japanese navy? - well, sir, an admiral from the pentagon is here, and it says right there.--- - you nitwit, i can see what it says right there. i'm going to check this out. there is only one way to get to the bottom of this. get me admiral rogers at comfleet. this could very possibly be another one of mchale's tricks, you know. oh, hello admiral rogers, captain binghamton here. oh, you knew. you knew. i was just calling you, sir. i wanted to check a ridiculous rumor about the sinking of the yakamura by... oh, you were going to call me about that.

- he sank it. this is all your fault, you numbskull. sneaking around, stealing papers out of the admiral's quarters. making a lot of trouble. - but, sir, you told me-- - out, out, out! get out of here! out, out, out! chuck! - you all right, sir? - oh, yes. yes, boy, yes. i was just leaning against the safe, resting here for a minute. come on in, chuck. good to see you, boy. good to see you. how ya been? sit down there, chuck. make yourself comfortable. put your feet up there, get the blood to your head. it'll do wonders for you. how are you, boy? - just fine, sir. - good. just had a talk with admiral rogers. very proud of you, son. - well, it's not everybody that can be the hero of taratupa. - i should say not, boy. say, why, didn't you tell me you sank the yakamura? - well, it was nothing, wally. and i didn't want to worry you. after all, you gave... sank the yakamura? - don't be modest on top of everything else,

it's all right here in your hometown paper! - hometown paper! - yes. - hi, captain. chuck. - mchale, what, what, what? - sir, i wanted to talk to ya about... oh, i see you got a copy. then you know all about the phony story? - phony story, huh? i'll have you know, that story was just confirmed by admiral rogers at comfleet. - it was? - but this is ridiculous! mr. parker never sank the yakamura! - he's right, wally. i never really sank the yakamura. see, it was just a chapter in my war novel. now it ever got in that... - no. no. no, boy. i admire your loyalty to old yellow belly here, but you don't have to cover up for him anymore. - yellow belly! cover up for me! - that's right! the details are all right here in the paper, mchale. indecision in the line of duty. your ensign had to move in for you and make the kill. - but i tell you, sir, that never happened! that was just some story that the boys sent in just to-- - knock it off!

congressman fogelson's plane is due in here in one hour. i want that scurvy crew of yours rubbed and scrubbed and disinfected and lined up for the medal presentation at 1700. now, shove off. see ya later, son. - let's go, chicken, chipper, skipper. - oh, and chuck? if you ever do anything like this again, boy, let me know. - now, right this way, congressman. admiral, right over here. hi, chuck! how are ya? congressman fogelson, i'd like you to meet one of my boys. - i'll take over, binghamton. congressman, this is the man you've been so anxious to meet. the modest young officer who sank the yakamura, ensign charles parker. - my boy, your congressman is proud of ya. chagrin falls is proud of ya. ohio is proud of you. your nation is proud of you. - i wish i were proud of me. - what was that, son?

i'm mchale, commanding officer of the 73. - yes, i heard about you. for shame, cracking up like that. it's lucky my boy parker was there! - he's one of my boys, too, congressman. - now look here, congressman. - mchale. shall we get on with the ceremony, sir? - by all means! i am most anxious to see that this brave young man gets what he so richly deserves. come along, my boy. right up here we go. just sit down. attention! your attention, please. it is my great privilege to present the right honorable roger s. fogelson, congressman from ohio. - officers and men of the united states navy, we are gathered here today to pay honor to a gallant warrior of the sea, ensign crles beaumont parker!

- a daring young man, who, without thought of personal safety, did shout those 6 defiant words. "darn the yakamura, full speed ahead!" in honor of this bold action, i'm proud to present this award-- [explosion] - what in tammany hall was that? - captain, where under attack, sir. - under attack? what? what? what? - that's the yakamura! - the yakamura? - yaka--uh-oh! - parker, i thought you said you sunk it! - i didn't say it. you're the one who kept saying it! - any order to shoot? - yeah. shoot! - arrest that man and give me your helmet! - oh, sir! - when i get my hands on that parker, i want to... - you called, sir? - parker!

- oh, no, you could get killed up there. - i know. if they don't get you, i will. get on top! - i can't move. - what's the matter with you? - i've got a pebble in my shoe. - oh, never mind the pebble in your shoe. get on top. i'm liable to be hurt. [grunting] - can i have the hat? i'm on top. - yes, take the--no, you can't have the hat! put the other hat on. no, not the one with the brain. - that's the last time i ever write a war novel. is there room for two of us down there? - there go our bombers now! - who is it? - captain, look! our planes are here! - where? - parker, you did that on purpose.

- they got her! she's going down! - and i was here! oh, wait till the boys in the coat room hear about this! - hey, we got her! we got her! - parker, would you stop knocking on me! you're giving me a headache! - but we got the yakamura! - captain, it's safe to come up now. - i know. i couldn't move. parker panicked. the man is a disgrace. - now, ensign parker, i demand to know what this is all about. i want explanations. do you hear? explanations! - of all the dastardly lies i ever heard of in my life, claiming that you sank the yakamura! - did you say dastardly lies, captain? - actually, he did sink the yakamura. - just what are you getting at, admiral? - well, you got an assist on this, too, congressman. - oh, i did? - when parker's imaginative story was inadvertently printed as the truth, naval intelligence decided to go along with it, hoping that the japanese would try to save face and retaliate.

our bombers could get a crack at it. and, as you gentlemen have just witnessed, the rest is history. [men cheering] - charles, my boy, i'm proud of ya! your methods are a bit unorthodox, but you're still our first hometown hero. - oh, it's nothing that any other guy from chagrin falls wouldn't have done. why-- whoo! all clear! all clear.

- hey, chuck, grab your socks.

- in a minute, skip. i'm just finishing the chapter where the daring young ensign blows up mount fujiama and the entire city of tokyo! skip! don't you want to hear what happens when the avalanche hits the japanese supreme headquarters? those guys can hustle. now, wait a minute. they think it's a giant air raid, see? but when they see that mount fujiama is gone, well, boy these guys come hustling out of there and they just... you don't want to hear about it. - captain binghamton, sir! captain-- - what's the matter with you? why do you always come bursting in here like that? where's your naval etiquette? where's your military discipline? don't you know this is a military installation? you come bursting-- - i'm sorry, sir, but-- - now you're bursting in! - would you please look at this? it just came for you from admiral rogers, sir. please, read it, sir, please! - bursting, always burst--"admiral rogers." "you're hereby ordered to report to com fleet headquarters." [binghamton laughs] that's my transfer, elroy! that's my transfer! it's come through!

i am going to join the admiral's staff!