i am going to join the admiral's staff! oh, i'm going to-- - oh, congratulations, sir, and may i say that it couldn't have happened to a more deserving officer, sir. - yes, i know, i know. now, let me see--there's a lot of things to do. we have plenty of things to do here, elroy, to get everything in shape--a lot of papers to be brought up to date, a lot of reports to be made and everything, and, oh, there's the base inventory, elroy. i can't leave without bringing up the base inventory, so let's get on that right away, boy. i'm going to miss you, sir. - yeah? - believe me, i have never worked under a more inspiring, a more courageous--oh, take me with you, sir, please. - oh, get out of here! - oh, wait till you hear what's happened to the captain. you're never going to-- - ah-ah, go! - oh, i'm going! - uh--well, hi, captain. huh--captain, we need your signature on these requisitions, sir. - oh, do you? [binghamton laughs] ah--oh, mchale! it gives me great pleasure to tell you that you are not going to need my signature anymore. - oh, we don't need your signature?

- well, come on, then, parker. [binghamton chuckles] what do you mean, captain? - mchale, what would be the answer to all of our prayers? - rice pudding for lunch, sir. - you've been transferred! [chuckles] - that's it! i'm free, i'm leaving taratupa! - ha-ha! - boy, that's even better than rice pudding! - oh-oh. parker, one of these days, i'm going to kick the raisins right out of your rice pudding for you, you--oh, do--oh, you're not going to upset me today, parker. you are not going to upset me today--nothing is going to upset me today. as a matter of fact, boys, we are going to have a farewell drink together. - a farewell drink? - yeah. - well, i'm all for that, sir--yes, sir! [chuckles] - all right, then. where is the farewell drink? what happened to the farewell drink? - no, here, here--here you are, sir. - we're all going to have one-- - yes, sir. - if you don't mind, mchale. - hey, not too much for him, sir. he's-- - i see them, yes. - mchale, i'm leaving. it's farewell, it's arrivederci, it's auf wiedersehen.

- "good, good, goodbye"--all right. well, here's to a bright and glorious future, boys-- - and hear, hear, sir! - without each other! - yes! hear, hear! - how stupid! i've--every time i try to do something, you are--i've never-- - it's not your fault. now, sir, not everybody can hold their liquor. - get-- - no, no, no, no! - boy, every time-- - now, remember, sir, remember this is to our bright and glorious future, sir. - all right. - cheers. - cheers, right. - cheers. - oh! [glass breaks] - i'll be in the jeep.

- fondo, come on. - well, what do you say, urulu? we have a deal or haven't we? time is money! - you got urulu figured for dumb klutz. i no trade valuable native bracelets, good luck shark teeth for this kind junk. - junk? hey, did you hear that, guys? he called this stuff "junk." - junk? - what do you mean "junk"? - what's the matter with him? - come on, that's real class merchandise. - yeah--what you think? made in japan? - yeah, you tell him, fuj. - ok, pack up--we not deal with cheap skates. we go to marines. - what? - yes, real sports, big spenders. - all right, all right. urulu, you win. willy? - hey? - bring it in. - oh, no, grube-- no, not that. - hey, we can't give that away!

he drives a hard bargain. all right, urulu, you hijacker. you finally beat us out of it. - oh, this just old barrage balloon you try to sell urulu every week. - yeah, but it flies, in a big white ball! - it just big white elephant--what i want. - it chases away evil spirits, like jungle curse and volcano monster. - you see too many "tarzan" movies. ok, come on, we get away from these phonies. fondo, fondo! - hold, hold it, hold it! hold that fondue. tell you what i'll do--the surplus, the balloon, and four cases of sea rations. [chatter] - sea rations? sea rations--that's good, yes. yes, we feed to chickens. ok, you got deal. - all right, all right, what's all this? macy's basement or something? come on, boys, break it up. - just a little cultural exchange, skipper. - "cultural?" the only thing i see around here is larceny! - a little cultural larceny is what it is. - ah, now, i shouldn't even tell you guys the good news. - good news? - let's hear it, skip!

guys, the transfer's been binghamtoned. - what? - no, no, no. what chuck means is that binghamton has been transferred! - hey! [cheers] - hey, fellows, you know something? this calls for a party! - and how! - yeah! - party--yeah. ok, union, music. fondo, fondo, fondo. oh! - huh-ho! [mchale chuckles] hey, chuck, come on, get in there and dance with her! - well, i-- - come on, boy! - i don't do this dance. if you guys could play "tea for two," i could waltz. - oh, come on! come on! - yeah, yeah! - come on, chuck! - yeah! - oh, i am the ruler of the queen's navy ha-ha--basket! [binghamton hums] - sir, i have the results-- - oh? - sir? captain binghamton? oh, captain binghamton, sir, i--i hope i didn't--

well, you did, you lummox, you! aren't you ever going to learn to knock? - well, i'm sorry, sir, but i just completed the base base inventory and, well, i-- - ah, "well, i--i--i-i!" boy, will i to be glad to get rid of you! let me have this thing. oh. - i think you should know, sir, a few shortages turned up. - so what--a few shortages! i'll pay for them out of my own pocket. i'm a sport. i'll do anything to get out of this place. a few shortages--what do i care if a few--$157,000 and 94 cents? - yes, sir, and as commanding officer, i'm afraid you're responsible for every penny of it, sir. - but short $157,000? i never--of all the stupid, idiotic-- [phone rings] what do you want? oh, admiral rogers. uh--i was just questioning a prisoner, sir. - transfer could be your big chance, so don't get bogged down in a lot of red tape. we need you here immediately. - yes, sir.

thank you. i say i'll be there immediately. how am going to leave with all that equipment missing? - what could've happened to it, though? - i'll tell you what happened to it. i'll tell in one awful, sickening, horrible word what happened to it--mchale! $157,000 worth of shortages, mchale--now you come clean. where are they? - oh, well--i--i haven't got it. besides, why blame us? maybe you mislaid the stuff. - mislaid it, mislaid a bulldozer? where would i put a thing like that--in the filing cabinet? - filing cabinet, sir? - yes, in the filing--oh, the filing cabinet is gone, too! now, you've gone too far, mchale. you know i am personally responsible for every item on that inventory. - well, i know that, sir. you can't be transferred till everything's accounted for. - exactly. now, for once, we're all on the same side--i want out and you boys want me out, hmm? - oh, we'd do anything to make you happy, sir. yes, sir.

- that's right, sir--you just name it. - i thought in a tight spot, i could count on the fellows. - captain, what are friends for? [chuckles] - yeah. now, i don't suppose we could all pitch in and see that that missing stuff is returned, buddy? - right. it'll be a pleasure, old chum! [chuckles] - you can count on us, old pal. - oh! i'm going to--oh. [chuckles] - and that's the straight poop, you bunch of pirates. every one of these missing items has to be back here by tonight! - but, skip, how are we going to get that stuff back? we traded it, we made deals! - if we welch, we're out of business. - oh, my heart is breaking. now, what's it going to be--business or binghamton? - what's the big choice? we get rid of binghamton, we double our business! - i don't understand you guys-- selling government supplies. well, we could be court- martialed, shot, or they could even write our mothers! - oh, come on, mchale. [all talking] - all right, all right--hold it! now, the first thing we do is to go to that swindling savage

- ah, i don't know about that, skip. that urulu's a tough guy to handle. when he makes a deal--ooh! - oh, i don't know--i wouldn't worry about urulu. when you tell him that the stuff's for the war effort, he'll come through. he may have his faults, but believe me, when the chips are down, he's 100% american. - i don't know, urulu. this stuff all look like seconds, yankee rejects. - no, no, no, sessua. i save best for honorable japanese. sell junk to americans-- they're real schnooks. - ok, no time argue. have to get back to boat. - wait, wait, wait, wait! you not pay. i mean, me not accept credit. - so sorry. a thousand pardons. - um, well-- - have something special for urulu. - oh, samurai sword, huh? samurai sword? - oh, better, much better. - oh! oh--back scratchers. no, all the time, back scratchers. me want sword! - trade samurai sword for this?

- oh, oh, you break me up, too! you--wait, wait. i tell you what i gonna do. oh, you see box? here--come. some kind of balloon--secret american weapon. - secret weapon? - mm-hmm. - oh, now you talk turkey! - hmm? oh, the americans coming. hurry up, sessua--we got deal or no? - oh, deal. here's samurai sword. - oh. come, come, quick, quick! right. [groans] [speaking native language]

- that sneaky oriental-- him worse than gruber. - hello, urulu. - greetings, oh, noble storekeeper. - oh, commander mchale, gruber. what i do for you folks today? - boy, will you look at him? why, there's more of our supplies here than it is in our own warehouse! - yeah, look at all these navy supplies you're selling. why, that's downright disgraceful! boy, you should've--hey, these shoes aren't bad. how much you want for these? - oh, chuck, will you, please? look, urulu, we came here to take back our supplies and we also brought back your souvenirs. - what, you kidding me? trade good navy surplus for native junk? [chuckles] no, no. - "oggo hoggo bunga"? - that mean "no refunds, no exchanges." - just look at-- - all right, all right. now, look, look, urulu, we got a chance to get rid of captain binghamton, but it all depends on us getting our supplies back! - oh, why you not say so? to get rid of old lead bottom, i help. i do anything. - you mean you'll give us our stuff back?

i rent back--$5 a day plus breakage insurance. take it or leave it. - $5 a--why, you conniving cannibal! - that could add up to a fortune! - oh, what fortune? when binghamton gone, you steal back and you get off hook. - all right, all right, you cutthroat. you got us over a barrel. - well, i thought it pretty clever, too, yeah. - well, ok! come on, you guys--move, move! remember, we got to dig up the rest of this stuff! come on, let's go! - uh, uh, uh-- - oh, what do you want now? - five clams--first installment. - chuck? give me five dollars. - yeah, but after all, skip, he did say "oggo hoggo bunga." - come on, you! oh, what a war! one turret cover. - one turret cover. - one bulldozer tire. - one bulldozer tire. - one machine gun, caliber .50. - one machine gun, caliber .50 - one sack of cement. - sack of cement--cement? cement. - one anchor. - one anchor. - oh, incidentally, skip, you better

out to sea. - one bathtub. - and one stopper. - one torpedo! - torpedo? - where in the heck did you get that?

- a half truck and a bathtub. did you--a bathtub? i'll be--oh. and a plane--why, that's even more than i had hoped for, quinton.

- uh, well-- - oh, never mind. you did a nice thing. a real nice thing to do. oh, i want to tell you boys--fine job, chucky! fine job. - boy is he ever fickle. and one filing cabinet. - ha-ha, one filing cabinet. it's all there--it's all there! i'm free, i'm going to leave now! - ah, it just goes to prove, see--you give the men what they want and they'll come through every time! - all right, here you are--wait a minute. there's two stuck together here-- - stuck? what is stuck? i don't see any--what is--wait a minute, wait a minute. what is this about a barrage balloon? i don't see any barrage balloon here. - oh, we don't have a barrage balloon. hey, fellows! we got a barrage balloon? - no, we got no barrage balloon, skip. got a hot water bottle. - hot water bottle, sir. - i'm not interested in a hot water bottle--i want a barrage balloon! now, you better have it here-- that balloon cost $4,274.19! [chuck whistles] - boy, that's inflation. why, at coney island, they're only a penny. - boy! - all right, sir--yeah, yeah! all right, sir.

somewhere, sir. - captain binghamton, sir-- - what is it? - admiral rogers on the phone for you, sir--the admiral. - admiral rog--oh, well, now, he wants me and what am i going to tell him? mchale, you better find that balloon! - yes, sir--yes, sir! yes, sir! gruber! all right, you schlock meister, where's that barrage balloon? - oh, that fink urulu must've held out on us. - boy, that just goes to show you-- you can't trust a polynesian with a barrage balloon. - well, at least we know where it's at. come on, let's go tell binghamton. - oh, yes, admiral rogers. how--how nice of you to call, sir. uh--how's the misses? - never mind about that. you were expected here this morning--what happened? - oh, well, it's just a small delay, sir. there's--it's the base inventory, you see, so there's-- a small item is missing. - incidentally, reconnaissance reported an american barrage balloon flying over one of those japanese islands near you. you'd better investigate it. - barrage balloon floating over a japanese island? yes, sir--i'll get to the bottom of this, sir.

- captain, guess what-- - oh! - easy, sir. yeah. captain, your worries are all over. we found the exact location of your balloon. - yeah. - oh, you did, huh? well, i found about it, too--carpenter! get in here--arrest these men! - you're arrested. - see there? you're arrested! high treason, trading with the enemy! - what? - you're a dead duck, mchale. the admiral just told me on the phone right this minute my balloon is floating over a japanese island. - your barrage balloon is floating over a japanese isl-- why, that two-timing urulu! - don't you try and blame some poor, innocent savage. you're all going to hang for this! - hang? but, sir, we're your pals. now, look, maybe guard duty or k.p. on sunday, but, boy, hanging-- - lock them up! - follow me! - oh, now, now, now, wait a minute, captain. now, if you lock us up now, how are you going to get your barrage balloon back? and remember your transfer. - ugh! all right, mchale, all right, but if you don't bring that barrage balloon back here, you're all going to be swinging from the yardarm!

now, look, the cat 'o nine tails are going to bed without our dinner-- [knock on door] - get out of the way! - you're trading with the japanese, huh? you double-crossing cannibal! - oh, no, no--innocent. this all big frame-up. - he's lying, skip. - he must've sold the balloon. - let me at him! - yeah, i'll give him a judo chop! ha--ah! - all right, all right, hold it. ok, urulu, who'd you sell it to and where is he? stop stalling! - customer list confidential. urulu no talk. you can kill, burn soles of feet, pull out fingernails. - we'll give you 10 bucks. - who need fingernails? customer name sessua konokotu, 17943 imperial japanese army, island of molokai--you trade. - chuck, give him 10 dollars. - getting to be kind of an expensive war there, skip. - boys, we're going to pay little old sessua a social visit. - yeah, but, skip, that island is

how are we going to get behind the lines? - oh, well, i figured that out, too--urulu's going to take us. yeah. we're all signing on as his new traveling salesmen. [chuckles] - yeah, yeah. - oh, no, can't go. tonight tuesday--got to stay open for late shoppers. - urulu, i'm warning you. - ok, ok, but heck of a way for salesman to treat boss. - come on. - shh, shh. we here. - hey, skip, that's our barrage balloon. - what does the sign say?

- look, that is not only an enemy, he's our competitor. price cutter. - hey, boys, remember now-- we're polynesian salesmen, huh? - yeah. - count on us, skip--oggo hoggo bunga. - oggo hoggo bunga! - all right, all right, hold it, hold it. - this set natives back 20 years. [speaking foreign language] - urulu, unexpected visit. - me come on business, big trade. - well, who you bring here? - uh, oh, these--well, these are new salesmen-- - oggo hoggo bunga! - i'm breaking in. - bunch of funny-looking natives. what you got trade? - got new terrific fall line. yeah, but, first, got to get mood, huh? ceremonial selling dance--fondo!

- whoo, whoo! - stop, thief! shoplifter, shoplifter! your salesmen crooks! - oh, what i do? wartime--good help hard to find. - oh, we not come here steal, we come here buy. - right. that brother speak with straight tongue. we trade him valuable trinkets for worthless bag of wind. - kidding? me swap good balloons for--for--for that maybe. - huh? oh, oh, no. watch em not em for sale. trinkets for sale em. - oh, not want that--want this! - ah, no start monkey business, chicolo. - better give him. - now wait em darn minute. how come i always get stuck em? - give watch--we got deal? - ah, sold. - now that not fair. that gift em from mother. - oh, we get you another one, chicolo. inga tonga bonga hugai! no need deliver--we take balloon with us. bye-bye, bye-bye. - bye-bye. see you january white sale.

that balloon. - oh, look, sir! - he's got it! he's got the balloon, carpenter! i'm free, boy! ha-ha, i'm free! carpenter, control yourself--what's the matter? ahoy, mates! ahoy! - ahoy, sir! ahoy! mission accomplished, sir! - ha-ha-ha! good work, mchale. i hate to admit it, but good work. [chuckles] - yeah, we got it back from the enemy, sir, just as good as new--look. whoo! help, help! hey, you guys, get me down! [yelling] - help! help! - parker, you come back here with that balloon! - should we go after him, sir? - he's going out to sea! boys, we got to save him! - help, help! - never mind him--i want the balloon! parker, you're a.w.o.l.!

- but, captain, he's being blown out to sea! - oh-- - hang on tight, chuck! - help! whew. [gunshot - good shot, skip! - he's coming down! - all right, let's go get him--there he goes! - hi, captain. - look at that--ruined, shattered, full of holes. - oh, no, sir, i'm fine--not a scratch! good as new! - my $4,000 balloon. - oh, well, now, look at it this way, captain--maybe you did lose a balloon, but you did gain an ensign. - gained an ensign? give me that thing! how do these work? - no, no, no, no! captain, no, no! - whoa!

- well, there it is, sir--just as good as new. the men spent all night patching it up. - well, i guess i should thank you men for making it possible for me to leave. - believe me, captain, it was a labor of love. - well, bye-bye, captain. - bye. - sayonara, captain! - au revoir! - yes, yes, yes. goodbye, goodbye. - hey, captain binghamton, sir, a message for you from admiral rogers. - oh, what does he want now? "delays have forced us to replace you with another officer. your transfer is canceled. good luck at your old post. admiral rogers." oh. - oh, no!

miserable balloon! help me! look at me! help me! help, help! help, mchale! shoot! shoot! - but, captain, the balloon costs $4,000! - and 19 cents, but who's counting? shoot! - ok, boys, target practice! [cheers] - don't shoot! o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed

darn that horse. [snickers] market drops 5 points. i'm glad my money's tied up in hay. [door opens] oh, morning, wilbur. never mind that. i'm tired of you beating me to the morning paper. i like to read it with my eggs. i like to read it with my hay. when you get finished with the paper, nobody else can look at it. hey, wilbur, get a load of this story. here at the bottom of the page, in the corner. hmm. "little old lady leaves cat $50,000." boy, that's silly. what do you mean, "silly"? what's a cat gonna do with $50,000?

that's true. he could buy himself 40 or 50 cows, have a lifetime supply of milk. that cat's got security, which is more than i've got. if it'll make you feel any better, if anything happens to me, carol will take care of you. yeah, suppose she marries a horse-hater? no, she won't. carol only marries nice people. wilbur. what? am i mentioned in your will? now, wait a minute, ed. no horse gets better care than you do. you get the finest hay, the best carrots, and--and something else. last night i went out and i spent $5 on you for these special mineral tablets. supposed to be good for your coat. well, i'm not worried about my health, it's your health i'm worried about. come on. no, thanks. i'm a horse, not a guinea pig. if carol finds out i've--i've wasted $5 on these, she'll kill me. and then marry that horse-hater.

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hi. hi. ed, i've changed my mind. i've decided to see a lawyer and get a will drawn up, so that you'll be taken care of. ho-ho, that's swell. you planning to leave something for your wife, too? you feel more secure now? yeah, maybe i won't be a wealthy cat, but i won't be a starving horse. oh, uh, before i go, how about trying one of these mineral pills, huh? no, wilbur, i don't want that junk. i hate to waste them, they're so expensive. then you eat them. you know, carol is right. i pamper you too much. oh, wilbur. yeah. i don't know how much you plan to leave me, but remember one thing. what?

all right, mr. post. now that we've listed your assets, let's get on with the provisions of your will. i assume you wish to leave the bulk of your estate to mrs. post? that's right. i'd also like to provide for the care of mister ed. mister ed. relative? well, you, um, you better just put down there, uh, friend. friend. and, uh, how do you want to provide for him? um, uh, food. i'd like him to have, uh, a lifetime supply of--of, uh, carrots, oats, barley. he's a vegetarian? semantically. i'd also like you, uh, to put a little money aside to keep him in shoes. i understand. shoes, clothing. just shoes. he doesn't wear clothes. no clothes? just a blanket. oh, i see. he's an indian, eh?

mister ed is a horse? yes. and i--i know this may sound peculiar, mr. dieterle, but, uh, there are several other provisions i'd like included in the will. yes, mr. post. well, the first: his t.v. set must be kept in good working order. your horse has his own t.v. set? well, my wife won't let him in the house to watch with us. she won't? you can't blame her. a horse doesn't belong inside a house. of course not. he's much happier where he is. in my office. your office? well, it's, uh, it's really a corner of the barn that i converted. i see. [clears throat] will there be, uh, anything else, mr. post? mmm, no.

now you'll just have mrs. post come down here... oh, no, no. i--i don't want my wife to know anything about this. you see, she feels that i'm overly attached to my horse. what could have gave her that idea? [inaudible] you know women. yes. now, before my secretary types this up, let's just review these notes. "i, wilbur post, being of sound mind... "and not being actuated by any duress, menace, fraud, undue influence..." [door opens] [sighs] well, ed, all finished. i just made out my will. good. who did you name as executor? executor? you know, the one who hands out the loot. oh, addison. oh, wilbur, he hates me. that's like cutting me off without one red carrot.

you may not like roger, but when the chips are down, he's a perfectly gentle and honest man. yeah? name me one animal lover who had a mustache. theodore roosevelt. please! he was cruel to horses. theodore roosevelt? well, sure. why do you think they called him a rough rider? will you stop worrying? i tell you, roger addison is a perfectly honest man. you'll get all the food that's coming to you. yeah, with him dishing out my hay, i'd hire a food taster. what do you want me to do? call the lawyer. tell him when you named addison, it was temporary insanity. tell me, who do you want as executor? well, i know somebody who's fair, honest, and completely trustworthy. yeah, who? me! honey, i've been thinking. if something should happen to me, and you should marry again, what sort of man would you marry? mmm, someone like you.

i'm serious, carol. wilbur, what brought all this on? well, i mean, we've got to be realistic. you know, a man's got to provide for his loved ones. oh, wilbur, really. well, i mean, i've been thinking. if something should happen to me, who would take care of mister ed? honey, you mean who would take care of me? well, ed and you. you and ed. what i mean is, if something should happen to me, would you take care of ed? that's what i mean. are you all right? oh, i'm fine. you just promise me one thing, you won't marry a horse-hater. all right, i promise. well, let's have breakfast. oh, hi, honey. where have you been all morning? oh, out on--on business. [laughs] wow! it's, uh, time for ed's lunch.

me? yeah, well, i think you ought to get used to feeding him. why? that way you can both get to know each other better. oh, wilbur, please. i'm--i'm too busy to feed mister ed. i wish you'd take an interest in him, carol. you could give him love, security... all right. get me some steel wool and--and i'll knit him a pair of horseshoes. you shouldn't joke about it, carol. ed needs you. why, if something ever happened to me, you can get married, ed couldn't. have you got your clothes ready yet, carol? mmm-hmm. my little doll is going to drive us down to the cleaners. oh, thanks, rog'. it's only fair. she's been taking me to the cleaners for years. oh, roger. can i help you with those? oh, thank you. where's wilbur? i haven't seen him all morning. he's feeding ed. roger, i'm worried about him. why? is anything wrong? well, i don't know.

of course. physically, he's fine. of course, mentally, that's a different story. oh, stop being such a clown. can't you see she's worried? believe me, my dear, you've nothing to worry about. i'm sure that wilbur is in perfect health. i guess i'm worrying about nothing. actually... what's this? my goodness, look at the size of that pill. i've seen smaller bowling balls. wilbur's never taken a pill in his life. why has he been hiding this from me? oh, they're probably just vitamin pills. has he complained about feeling sick lately? no, on the contrary, last night he took me dancing, and then for a moonlight ride on the beach. oh, he hasn't been so romantic since our honeymoon. come on, doll. open up for mommy. oh, come on, kay! cut that out. well, there goes my moonlight ride. don't look so grim, carol.

well, of course, sweetie. if there was anything wrong with wilbur, you'd know it. oh, that's right. if it hadn't been for you two, i'd be a nervous wreck. as long as your mind is at ease, my dear. [phone ringing] oh, excuse me. hello. hello, is mr. post in? no. this is mrs. post. is there any message? yes, please. i'm calling for your husband's attorney. mr. dieterle left town and he asked me to inform mr. post that his will would be ready for notarization this monday. [sighs] what's the matter, honey? wilbur made out a will without telling me. oh, now there you go again, carol. just because your husband has been talking morbidly, and made out a will, and carries around a few pills...

now remember, i expect you to be brave. now let's all smile, pretend to be gay. wilbur! come in. sorry, i'm late, rog'. oh, think nothing of it, old boy. go ahead. the girls are waiting for you. boy, what a beautiful night. why are you all smiling? uh, addison just told us a very funny joke. [all laughing] wilbur, i'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my annual checkup. how about coming along with me? why, you scared of doctors? no, i just like company. well, now that the cans are all open, shall we have dinner? [phone ringing] oh, pardon me. hello?

wilbur, it's for you. hold it, just a minute. thanks, rog'. (wilbur) hello? roger, i can't stand it. i'm going to ask him what's wrong with him. yeah, maybe she should. you'll never get wilbur to your doctor. no, but maybe i can get my doctor to come to him. but, roger, you heard him. wilbur would never submit to an examination. not if he's trying to hide something from me. he'll never even know that he's been examined by a doctor. oh, how in the world are you going to do that? dr. reynolds happens to be an excellent golfer. i'll introduce him as a golf instructor. now leave everything to me. [patio door opening] (kay) carol. oh, hi, kay. has the doctor-- not doctor, golf pro. where's wilbur?. upstairs, changing to his golf clothes. he's so excited about this lesson he thinks he's taking. oh, now, my dear, remember, you promised to be brave.

the doctor might-- shh! i mean, the golf pro might find he's not so sick after all. kay, why don't you wait outside, huh? addison, i promise you, i won't say a word-- [doorbell ringing] that's the doctor! i'll let him-- why don't you wait out on the patio, loose lips? i'll get it. hello, john. rog', how are you? come in. he's upstairs. john reynolds, this is carol post. how do you do? how do you do? you have a lovely home. thank you. and my wife, kay. how do you do? my husband tells me that you're one of the finest doctors-- i'll be out on the patio. roger, i'm only doing this out of friendship for you and to relieve mrs. post's anxiety. oh, and i appreciate it so much. now, you understand i can't give your husband a thorough physical examination this way.

just check him for the major symptoms. later we'll get him to your office for a complete checkup. (wilbur) honey, is the golf pro here yet? yes, wilbur, he's here. i'll wait outside. hi, wilbur. hi. wilbur post, john reynolds. how do you do? hello, john. boy, this is a real treat for me. rog' has been telling me how much you've improved his game. well, he's been a very apt pupil. now, if you'll just sit down and watch, i'll demonstrate the proper stance. ok. all right. now, the most important thing in getting a good, smooth stroke is to, uh, pivot your knee correctly. oh, which knee? oh, that's fine. fine. now you take the club because i want to check your grip. oh, all right. there we are. uh, the right hand first. there we are. good. now. nice grip. firm but gentle. that's it.

[speaking softly] 99. uh, what was that? 99. louder, please. 99. fine. fine. what's fine? uh, your grip. now, let's see about those shoulders. they must be straight, you know. [laughs] i'll try not to tickle you. now, let's see. no tenseness. no tenseness. now, let's see. would you take a deep breath for me, please? a deep breath? oh, yes, it's--it's very important just before you hit the ball, to hold your breath. gets the power. power. that's right, power. now, would you breathe for me? [inhaling] let it out. [exhales] that's fine. very good. now, let's see. we'd better-- we better check on your backswing, i think. ok. let me help you here. there we go. up, up, up slowly. slowly. there we go. now, when you get to the top of the swing, it's very important to pause. how long? uh, 5 seconds. 1,2, 3, 4, 5. good, good. very good.

[both laughing] now, let's see. uh, we've taken care of your backswing. now, we'll attend to the downswing in a minute, but first, i want to check your sense of balance. would you close your eyes, please. and hold your hands out in front of you. boy, i've never had a lesson like this before. and you never will again. uh, listen to him, wilbur. listen to him. he took 6 strokes off my game. oh, would you close your eyes, please? yeah. hands out in front of you. now, have you got your eyes closed? yes. all right. well, let's see. we'll check this balance here. uh-huh. seems to be all right there. that's fine. is this for the grip or the swing? everything. everything. covers everything. let's see. yes, i think you're doing just fine. sure make a good-- oh, eyes closed. sorry, i thought you were finished. now, now, hold your hands up. now, would you lift your right leg for me, please? lift my leg? yes, lift your leg. keep your eyes closed, hands out. there we are. very good. mmm-hmm.

this is the strangest golf lesson. yes. well, you can't teach a man to line up a putt properly, unless he's got good peripheral vision. yeah, looks fine. fine. [phone ringing] excuse me. hello? wilbur, that golf pro is really a doctor. he is? you wouldn't go for a checkup, so, they're bringing the checkup to you. oh. well, uh, thank you for the call. they had me terribly worried with that doctor. you ought to teach them a lesson. i, uh, i think you're right. and i will. goodbye, mr. jackson. [chattering] well, uh, where were we? what is the matter with you? nothing, i...

what do you worry about? getting these nervous attacks. tell me, how long have you had these attacks? oh! [coughs] just since i fell off my horse. wilbur, you never told me you fell off a horse. well, i--i didn't really fall off it, i--i fainted. do you get these attacks often? oh, only when my wife isn't around. i don't like to worry her. we haven't got time now, honey. got to continue with our golf lesson. uh, how about a little putting practice, doctor? look, i'm sorry. you knew it all the time, didn't you? oh, of course. golf pro! with those bloomers, you got m.d. written all over you. and, carol, i mean, that was a pretty sneaky way of--of getting a man examined. hmm. but--but you're sick and--and you're-- wait, wait. whatever gave you the idea that i am sick?

and those pills i found in your pocket. honey, those pills are for ed and so was the will. for ed? excuse me, who is ed? ed is my horse. you made out a will to your horse? well, that's no stranger than making out a will to a cat. roger, let's get on with the examination. you hold him. now wait a minute.

poor old ed. they sure had me worried with that doctor. [laughing] yeah. you were practically in tears over the phone. you're all i've got, wilbur. i know, ed. i'm really your next of kin. to me, you're like a blood brother. thanks, ed. well, at least you're well provided for now. say, how did she take it when you told her i was in your will? what do you mean, "how did she take it"?

that's the way i wanted it, and that was that. [laughs] boy, that's telling her. good night, boss. good night, ed. [lamp clicks] o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed a pretty little filly with a ponytail [clears throat] and, uh, now my latest hit: when you galloped out of my life,

[clears throat]