hey, keith, i feel lucky today. boy, the first stop we're gonna make to is that little accountant agency, you know, where they have that foxy little personnel director with no liabilities and plenty of assets. how you feeling, keith? i feel lucky. i had a dream last night that she hired both of us. boy, i know something's gonna happen today. i can't wait to hit them streets. i'm not going. say what? try and read my lips, totem pole. i said i'm not going.

yeah, man, it's better than sitting around here all day. look, every day off for the past three weeks, i've been out, looking for a job, right? and all i've got to show for it are tired feet, scuffed shoes, and enough uncut jive to sell it wholesale. you know, keith, i know it's tough, man, but they say the unemployment rate in the ghetto is over 50%. yeah, and the other 50% are out looking for work. the answer is through education. speaking of that, i better hurry up before i'm late. later, y'all. you might as well be late. you ain't gonna find no job when you graduate anyway. well, maybe not, but at least i'll know how to read the want ads, brother. hey, keith, i don't know what you're feeling so down about. at least you did get one job offer. oh, keith, you got a job offer? j.j., i told you not to bring that up. man, i swear if your mouth was any bigger, you'd swallow your own head. come on, keith. tell me about it. all right. they wanted me to go door to door,

what? that's right -- howard cosell piggy banks. oh, and when you put the money in his mouth, he starts talking, right? no, you put money in his mouth to make him shut up. j.j., if you want to keep on going out there, you go on ahead. but i've got too much pride to keep on spending my time listening to a bunch of garbage from all those people. too much pride. keith, where you going? i'm going to the bathroom. there are some things i'm still pretty good at, you know?

[ sprays ] i don't understand keith. i mean, he used to be so level-headed, so cool, so suave. then all of a sudden, he lost it. you know, with a little more training, he could've been another me. hi, y'all. thelma: hey, willona. thelma, here's the blueberry muffins i made for keith. honey, there's only one thing on earth sweeter and more tender than these little darlings. what's that, willona? i don't know. i ain't met him yet. [ laughs ] blueberry muffins for keith, huh? i'll tell you, boy, the only thing he's been sinking his teeth into around here has been us. wait a minute, honey. you must be jivin'. after all the work i went through, staying up all night long, starting from scratch, you're gonna tell me -- hey, y'all. willona, whoo-whee! it's a wonder you ain't in jail 'cause you certainly are dressed to kill this morning.

sinking his teeth into you, huh? well, honey, get ready to bite me again. i made something nice for you. looky here. no, no, no, no, don't tell me. don't tell me. no, it can't be. not my favorite, not those delicious blueberry muffins! that's right. lord have mercy. good-looking and good cooking. what you trying to do -- throw betty crocker out on her buns? hmm. either he's got a twin in that bathroom or we're in "the twilight zone." yeah, yeah, these will be great to graze on while me and j.j. go job hunting. job hunting? but you said that we were gonna -- come on, man, there's a whole new world out there for us. but -- [ imitating rhett butler] and one day, scarlett, all this will be yours -- tara, the plantation, the river... the dam. no, wait. frankly, scarlett, i won't give a "dam." [ laughs ] [ telephone rings ] hello?

keith? hey, i told donna summer not to call me here. hello? willona, if you had been here 10 minutes ago, you'd have seen that keith had all the charm of a shark with root canal work. could you all excuse me a minute? this is kind of private. ooh, come outside and tell me what's going on. well, i'll go start the dishes. hello, joe. hey, what's happening, man? when did you get in? oh, me? i can't complain. yeah, yeah, yeah, man. just give me a couple more months. my leg will be better. i'll be out there again. look, why don't you give me your phone number, man? uh-huh. oh, keith, why don't you invite -- no, no, i got to go. see you later, joe. got to split. oh, i'm sorry. that was joe stennet, an old college teammate of mine. he's gonna be in town for a couple days. i told him i'd drop by if i got the chance. oh, you must really like him. he sure cheered you up. are you kidding? me and joe, we were so tight in college,

[ laughs ] he's playing for the miami dolphins. signed up for his second year. i got to go, babe. bye-bye. bye. bye-bye. [ door closes ] greetings, unemployment fans. hey, where's keith? he'll be up in a minute. he's downstairs, arguing with bookman. bookman? what did bookman do this time? nothing, but he's not doing it the way keith wants him to. i'll tell you, as far as keith is concerned, old fang face is back. bad day, huh? well, let me put it to you this way. it's the kind of day donny would punch out marie. i don't know. that keith, there's something. it's those crazy, unpredictable moods of his.

j.j., that's not fair, now. you're making it sound like keith has an emotional problem. well, you're wrong, and i'm gonna prove it to you. hello, sweetheart. i have a surprise for you. who cares? like putty in your hand. hey, brother-in-law, what's wrong, man -- the employers turn you down? yeah, white employers, black employers, chicano employers, eskimo employers. i'm an equal-opportunity reject. you know, keith, you just can't go around, threatening personnel directors. i didn't threaten nobody. what do you call putting a man's tie in an electric pencil sharpener? yeah, and then you had it all the way up to the knot till i stopped you. uh, keith, now, why don't you sit down over here and relax yourself? let me tell you about the surprise, okay? are you pregnant? no. then i don't want to hear about it. well, it's about your friend joe stennet.

here? you invited joe here without asking me? are you crazy? keith, i thought that you -- i don't care what you thought! if i wanted him over here, i would've asked him here myself. now call him and cancel. oh, keith, come on, now. i already cooked dinner. then warn him, and he'll call and cancel. keith, he'll be here in a few minutes. damn it, thelma, you had no right butting into my business like that. oh, keith -- get out of my way! hey! well, i guess i showed him. okay, where is he, huh?! where is he?! hey there, bookman. don't "bookman" me! look, thelma, i got a bone to pick with your husband. well, if you're involved, that's the only thing that's left. am i laughing?

no! and want to know why? all i did was ask that nut who he likes in the super bowl. you know what he said? "your mama"! if your mama is built anything like you, she won't be able to fit in the super bowl. um, bookman, look here. let me explain. let me explain. see, keith has gone cuckoo. uh, see, what happened is that keith's been under a lot of tension and strain lately. you understand? yo-yo city, bookman, yo-yo city. so, on behalf of the family and everybody involved, we wish our sincere apologies, and we will talk to keith about this and promise you that this will never happen again. and, uh, my apologies, also, to your big, fat mama! hey! j.j., i heard what you said, and i didn't like it one bit.

oh, yeah? well, if he's a tree, i wouldn't want to stand under him. i think he's sick. physically, that is. you can call me ray and you can call me jay michael, the only time he seems to be happy is when he comes out of that bathroom... and i got a hunch

wait a minute. now, who'd be stupid enough to hide -- oh...yeah. mm-hmm. either this is keith's joy juice or the tidy bowl man has a new boat.

yes, vodka -- the russian revenge. no wonder keith's been acting crazy lately, man. he killed this bottle, too. yeah. no wonder he thinks he's a king. his throne is 90 proof. [ laughs ] and then the coach held up this size 40, double-"d" cup bra and said, "what you call this, stennet -- dolly parton knee pads?" [ laughter ] and speaking of holidays, did you know this is national take a lemon to lunch week? oh? oh, already? that's right. yeah. so, let's get rid of this booze, and let's break out the lemonade! [ slurring ]hey, hey, and let all this good, 20-year-old scotch go to waste? come on. joe brought this by to help keep things lively, didn't you, joe? right on, keithy. [ both laugh ]

yeah, yeah, hold on a second. who used to call me that? it was... that girl, that girl, right. what was her name? annette. annette, annette, right! right. big old buck-toothed annette. thelma, you ain't seen nothing until you seen annette. ugliest girl on campus. pass the bottle. [ laughs ] scotch, fool. keith. thelma, that girl was so ugly, we were gonna make her the team mascot and change the name of the team to the orangutans. [ laughs ] a real dog! bow-wow, bow-wow! good old annette. i wonder what ever happened to her. we've been married for half a year now.

gee, joe, i didn't know, man. i'm sorry. [ laughs ] but you know what they say, man. beauty goes a-wandering, but homely stays at home! [ laughs ] hey, come on, you all. joe understands. come on, we jive around like this all the time, don't we, joe? helps keep things lively, huh? keith, a little toast first, a little toast. all right, i'll drink to that. all right. here's to keith and thelma, and may they always have happiness and health. amen. and...may prosperity be just down the road. all right. and...may they always have the respect of their friends and relatives.

through the yellow brick road to their future, we're all little lambs that have lost our way. baa-aa, baa-aa-aa, baa-aa. we're all little lambs -- enough! enough, enough, enough! [ hiccups ] and as jackie gleason would say... "smo-o-o-o-oth!" oh, keith, what are you trying to prove? and as w.c. fields would say, "i only use this in case of snakebite... and i always carry a snake with me." ah, yes, smo-o-o-o-oth. yeah, yeah, yeah. uh, keith, if you have one more drink of scotch, you're gonna start seeing plaid elephants. yeah, keith, i think you've had enough. hey, hey, hey, come on, now. enough. well, excuse me.

let go of the bottle, keith. [ sniffing ] do i smell dessert? i doubt it. we're having jell-o. keith, i said let it go. all right. all right, i let it go, mr. stennet. now, is there anything else i can do for you, brother, like wash your car, shine your shoes? you know, we poor folk, we're supposed to be able to do that pretty good. keith, please. no, no, thelma, it's cool. stennet, you ain't foolin' nobody. the only reason you came by here tonight was the hope of seeing me on crutches. oh, wow, man, you have it all -- yeah, you just wish it were last year, so then you would've been the one up for the heisman trophy, right?! right?! you were jealous of me then, and you are still jealous -- jive sucka! look! i think i'd better go.

we still got stories to tell, man. like how about that ohio state game? look, man, i don't know what you're talking about. i didn't think you would, so let me fresh your memory. j.j., get out there. keith, i thought i would stay here. i said get out there! keith, you're embarrassing everybody. would you shut up? now, it was our ball, third down and long yardage. it was me over here, and joe was over here. now, hike the ball, j.j. what ball? hike the ball! keith, stop it. would you let me finish?! you're drunk! i said shut up! aah! thelma? thelma, i didn't mean it. j.j., i swear, man.

hey, michael? i don't want to hear it. yeah, you better have a good excuse for this one, keith. otherwise, we're gonna put you in every shot glass across chicago. hey, hey, everybody! hey, i'm -- i'm sorry. hey, joe, man. aw, who you gonna tell, man -- me or your wife? thelma, would it help at least if i said i'm sorry?

but running away won't solve anything. well, you sure got that right 'cause i live here. these things are yours. i should've known that. can't we at least talk about it, babe? talk? talk about what?! just who the hell do you think you are?! do i look like a punching bag to you? do you see the word "everlast" written across my face? no, babe. all right, then! is this yours? yeah. now i understand. no, you don't understand, babe. do you know what it's like to be one of the best running backs in the world and have your leg and your life snap out from under you and end up driving cabs part time? babe, you can't begin to understand.

a bottle of fermented potatoes understand. keith, don't you know i love you? what if you -- no, babe! keith, you're only 24 years old. since when does life end at 24? you want to play football? then get out there and play! i can't! then try something else! i did! then try again! baby, honey, what the hell do you want from me?! everything! everything you have to give me, keith, because, remember, you are still my husband whether you're playing in the super bowl or driving people to it! so you hurt your leg and you can't run anymore. big deal! but your wallowing in self-pity is not gonna help. you got to face it. the world is gonna go on whether you are sitting on top of it or stretched out under it.

is it me... ...or this? babe. one minute. we're gonna start all over again, right? right. everything even between us? right.

guess that makes us even, babe. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com

keeping your head above water

good times anytime you need a payment good times anytime you need a friend good times anytime you're out from under not getting hassled, not getting hustled keeping your head above water making a wave when you can temporary layoffs good times easy credit rip-offs good times scratching and surviving good times hanging in a chow line good times ain't we lucky we got 'em?