hi, gloria. mmm, something smells good. what's that? sliced tongue. i was gonna put it in archie's lunchbox this morning, but he said he wouldn't eat nothing that come out of a cow's mouth. oh. what did he want instead? a couple of hard-boiled eggs. gloria, would you get me a plastic bag? ma, they're right in front of you. oh. is something bothering you? no, nothing, gloria. are you sure, ma? you've been acting kinda funny for the past few days. something on your mind? no, nothing. what on earth would be on my mind? well, i don't know, ma, but i think you wanna put the tongue in the refrigerator. oh. thank you, gloria. i better check the table.

[sneezes] gesundheit. oh, thanks, mike. what day is it? it's wednesday. we're gonna get a letter. what? if you sneeze on monday, you sneeze for danger, sneeze on tuesday, kiss a stranger, sneeze on wednesday, sneeze for a letter. i never heard that before. what's the rest of it? sneeze on wednesday, sneeze for a letter, sneeze on thursday, something better, sneeze on friday, sneeze for sorrow, sneeze on saturday, see your sweetheart tomorrow. what about sunday? there ain't no sneeze for sunday. sunday was a day of allerest. ha, ha, ha. sorry. gloria, will you help me clear the table? ma, i'm helping you set the table! that's right. ma!

me, keep secrets from you? [laughs] we better find out what's going on. yeah. ma! are you in some kind of trouble? no, and i can't tell you what it is. ma! the letter? is that what you're worried about, a letter? well, since you guessed part of it, i'll tell you the rest. here. look. gloria: wow! look at all those quarters. you must've been saving them for months. that's a lot of money. forty-seven dollars and 75 cents. and it ain't mine. where did you get it? here, read this. "keep in tune with sweetheart prunes." i sent a coupon to the prune company from the box top, and they're supposed to send me a free quarter, and they did.

and then the next day it started coming in bunches. and it's still coming. you know what that is? it's a computer foul-up. yeah, ma, it's the company's fault, not yours. well, i know, gloria, but it ain't right to keep them. they ain't mine. it's like stealing. ma, ma, take it easy. why don't you just send the quarters back? i tried that, mike, and every quarter i sent back, they sent me two more. they probably just read the computer wrong. well, they never stop. maybe they fed it some sweetheart prunes. well, i'm gonna tell archie about it tonight. no, ma, whatever you do, don't tell archie! but i have to. ma, if you tell archie, he's gonna want to spend it. and he's got no right to spend it. well, he did eat most of the prunes.

but please don't tell daddy. edith: well, hello, archie. i'm so glad to see you. and i've got nothing to tell you. what's with her? every day this week she's been nuttier than the day before. is something bothering her? i haven't noticed anything. well, you wouldn't notice nothing unless it was covered with food. gloria, what's the matter with your mother? every morning she's burning my toast. you know what happened last night? i found her laying over on my side of the bed. she's never done that before. i couldn't believe it. i jumped in, i thought i landed on a beach ball. edith, get in here! dinner in a few minutes. wait-- hey, wait a minute. wait a minute. edith. edith, i wanna talk to you now. where are you going? edith! come back here. edith. come here, come here, come here, come here. stay! stay!

you mean the quarters from the prune company? ma! huh?! ma, i think you should go get dinner. yeah. hey, edith-- edith. will you stop right-- get over here and stand still. did i just hear you say something about prunes and quarters? yeah, archie, i'll tell you all about it. but, ma-- ma. here is the whole story right in this box. jeez, look at all the quarters here. edith! oh, my god. how much money is that? forty-seven dollars and 75 cents. all i done was send in a coupon to the prune company. you sent a coupon to a prune company? yeah. and they were supposed to send me one quarter. and they did. but then they started coming every day.

why would you wanna stop it? [mutters] oh, edith, i think you found the goose that laid the golden prune. oh, edith, i'll tell you what we'll do. after supper we'll decide how we'll spend it, eh? archie, we can't spend this money. it ain't ours. it didn't come to me honest. edith, don't tell me that. i don't wanna hear nothing about how you got it. i don't wanna hear nothing i gotta deny later. don't pay no attention to them. what are you gonna do? the first thing i want you to know is i ain't mad at you. will youse two get away from here? come over here. now, all i wanna know is this. you say the quarters are still coming in? oh, yeah, they're up to $8 a week now. eight dollars a week? edith, let me see, that is $400 a year. that's-- in 10 years, that's over $4000.

no, no, no, no, forget about the interest. we can't get that because that would come from a savings bank, see, and there would be records, we'd get mixed up with the infernal revenue there. archie-- edith, edith, edith. i know-- i know what we gotta do. we gotta do the right thing with this money. good, archie. we gotta spend it. oh, no, archie. we can't spend it. that money ain't ours. edith, edith, don't say that. don't even think that. now just turn right around, go back in the kitchen, and get dinner on the table, huh? daddy, you got to send that money back to the prune company! shut up, you. go and help your mother get dinner on the table. but, daddy! gloria, we'll get dinner on now. you're cheating that company, arch. you're cheating that company! oh, come on. don't you think big companies are always cheating little people like us? what about that big company last year offering a free trip to hawaii and two free cars and never delivered on nothing? you remember that. yeah, i remember that. i told you about it. well? you said, "so what? that's the american way." well, it is the american way.

getting even on that american way. all right. go ahead, go ahead, cheat the companies, let the companies cheat you. meanwhile, there's no more human contact left. the whole country's being ruled by machines. ah, get out of here, will you? you're always singing the blues about the country. let me tell you something. this country ain't ruled by machines, this country is ruled by our president. there you go, arch, proving my point again. ah, there he goes, taking another rap at poor richard e. nixon. listen, buddy, that ain't rapping mr. nixon, calling him a machine. that's a compliment. you know why? because machines are great. and american machines are the greatest. american machines are what keeps this country number one and ahead of the rest of the world. what, do you wanna be like the chinks, counting up things on beads? give me computers any time. don't you see what computers are doing? they're making everything depersonalized. i mean, if something goes wrong, you got a complaint, wouldn't you rather talk to a human being face to face?

dinner. [doorbell rings] i'll get it. well, i was trying to make a point, but i guess the one on your head beat me to it. will you get away from me? arch, don't you see? if things keep going the way they are, pretty soon computers will be doing all our thinking for us. if computers can do it better than us, then what's the difference? none to you, arch, because you haven't been thinking for years. listen, buddy, i work for a living, i don't have to think. that makes sense. ah! archie, here's a letter from the veterans' administration, special delivery. well, give me it. no. it's addressed to me. why would the va be writing to you? you ain't a veteran. i got a death benefit coming. you got a what? a death benefit. a death--? edith, that means you're collecting on some kind of insurance. edith, this is a red-letter day for us. look at this. forty-seven dollars worth of quarters

who died?

yes, operator, i'm still holding. here's your toast, gloria. thanks, ma. you're looking kind of tired, you know. didn't you sleep well last night? not too good. i had an awful nightmare about archie really being dead, and he got mad at me. in the dream? no, when i woke him up to make sure he was alive. hey, ma, i got through to the prune company in buffalo. hello? is this mr. henderson? yeah. uh, good. i'm calling you for my mother-in-law, mrs. archie bunker. she sent you a letter about a week ago. right. right, about the $47.75. well, she's sending you a money order by mail. and-- hello? hello?

who-- who's this? a-- what?! stolen chickens are loose on interstate 27? who is this? who am i talking to? the lubbock, texas, police department? i don't want to talk to you. i was talking to the prune company in buffalo. no, i'm not kidding. officer, will you get off the line, please? we got the lines-- hello? who is this? oh, mr. henderson. hi. how are you? yeah, we got-- no, forget the chickens! that wasn't me. that was some cop in texas. yeah. i was calling you about the lady with the quarters. right. now, please, don't send her any more quarters, all right? good. okay, thank you very much. bye. thank you, michael. it's insanity. the whole country's got their lines crossed. archie: edith, can't you keep nothing running in this house? the bulb in the bathroom is going dim up there. i'm shaving and i don't even know

it's not the bulb, daddy, there's been another brownout. oh, gee, i wish i could get my hands on the guy in this city that cuts the juice at the wrong time. it's no guy, arch, it's another computer. they got machines to figure everything out, just like they figured out you were dead. lay off that, will you? why are you wearing a tie today? is something special going on at work? yeah, something very special, edith. i ain't going to work. i'm calling in sick. archie, you ain't starting to feel sick? oh, stop it, i'm fine. hey, it's like the twilight zone. maybe that letter got here a little early. doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo will you tell your husband to shut up? i'm fine. i don't know, daddy. you came home yesterday saying you were half-dead. [in unison] doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo... why don't the two of youse doo-doo doo-doo out the door? i haven't had a sweet roll yet. have your sweet roll on the subway.

gloria, forget it. come on. go to work! go to school! i'm going. where are you going all dressed up? i'm going down to the veterans' administration and you're going with me. i gotta get my death wiped out. that's a lot easier said than done, arch. once those computers make a mistake, it's a fact. i think you're dead. i thought you was doo-doo-dooing to the subway. you know something? if i wasn't an atheist, i'd say that big computer in the sky is doing everything this week just to prove my point. what point? that machines are ruining this country. look, you're dead, the subways keep breaking down, there's a brownout every other day, ma's prunes keep sending her quarters. before i'm trying to get buffalo on the phone, i get lubbock, texas. i think you're dead. what are you trying to get buffalo on the phone for? i think you're dead too. archie: what are you--? you're dead. you're dead. what are you trying to get buffalo on the phone for? why is he trying to get buffalo on my phone? archie, i asked him to call the prune company in buffalo

say that again. i asked mike to call the prune company in buffalo so they wouldn't send me-- send you quarters. i heard you! why did you do that, edith? all that money coming in. ah, well, you couldn't help yourself. you don't know no better. at least we got the $47 worth of quarters we can spend, huh? no, archie, we ain't got that neither. i sent them that in a money order yesterday. you done that too, have you? [groans] what's the matter, archie? you should've kept the quarters and sent back the prunes. sorry to keep you folks waiting, but i finally found your file. don't worry, mrs. bunker,

understand these problems very well. now, the first thing i need to know is... where is your husband buried? her husband ain't buried. well, we'll certainly take care of that. where's the body? hey, mac, i'm the body. i'm her husband. oh, no. what do you mean, no? am i your husband? oh, yeah. i'm her husband. i'm her husband. i'm alive, believe me. mr. bunker, i believe you're alive. you believe it, your wife believes it, but now we've got to get the computer to believe it too. oh, uh, dundee here. can you get me a quick check on 2-357-58? thank you. oh. you don't know what we're up against. we have to wipe out this tape and reprogram it.

well, don't blame me, mac. i mean, i didn't commit suicide. your computer bumped me off. well, let me show you just how complicated this is. this is your card from our deceased file. oh, i hate that. and each of these little holes has a meaning all its own. this is your life, archie bunker. a bunch of holes? that's what it comes down to. and you see that little hole here? yeah? that's the one that means you're dead. fill that in, will you? [rings] hello. uh, dundee. yes? what?

well, thank you. one number out of place. mr. bunker, you're the victim of a slipped digit. you're not dead at all. well, there. i'm off the death list anyway. no, not yet. not until you receive official confirmation in the mail. ohh. well, ain't this nice? it means nobody died. well, a man named archie binker died. oh, that's too bad. what do you mean, too bad? you want me to be dead? no, archie, i don't want nobody to be dead. edith, somebody's gotta be dead. that's life. what do we have here? nothing from the va, and that creep dundee told me three days ago he's gonna fill my hole in. is there anything for me? no, nothing for you, meathead.

those people probably found out you're still alive. who are you talking to on the phone there? uh, excuse me, please. it's a man from the welcome mat real estate company. what does he want? he wants to know if i wanna sell the house. he says lots of widows sell their houses. give me the phone. give me that phone! hello. this is archie bunker talking to you from the grave. wish you was here. when are these creeps gonna get off my back? not until the computer takes you off the death list. arch, it's machines talking to other machines.

think of poor mr. binker. yeah, i'm sitting here waiting for somebody to tell me i'm alive, he's laying in the ground somewheres waiting for someone to tell him he's dead. [doorbell rings] i'll get it. that's right. meanwhile, archie binker is still alive on hundreds of lists all over the country. i'm telling you, there's no respect for human dignity anymore. pretty soon, we're not gonna be names, just numbers. it's 1984. ah, shut up. you don't even know what year it is. archie, 1984 is a book written by george orwell-- will you leave me alone? i'm telling you-- you are giving me a headache. here, it's your letter. what? from the veterans' administration. give me that letter. here it is. what are you talking about here? let me see. here, edith, i can't read it. i haven't got my glasses here. i'll read it. all right, meathead, see what the computer turned up here, huh? you're knocking a computer. turn your ears this way. listen. all right, edith, read it from the top line.

no, don't read the letterhead. start where it says "dear sir." it don't say "dear sir." well, whatever it says, edith! "dear alice bunker..." what? at least you're not dead, miss bunker. oh, hello, archie. how was your day? who are you on the phone to? the prune company in buffalo. what, they're sending you more quarters?

n n songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

how is everything, archie? well, edith, the chicken could have stood a little more cooking. i thought it was delicious. how would you know delicious? you shovel it into your face so fast it hits your stomach before your mouth has a chance to know what it tastes like. the chicken was a little underdone, ma. what do you mean underdone? it was alive. it was fighting me all the way down. daddy, you're exaggerating. it's okay. your mother's dessert took charge, though. the apple pie is now holding him down. the ice cream is freezing him to death. oh, ma! ma, it's getting late. you know, we better clear the table

oh, i almost forgot about that. yeah, i'll get the game ready. arch, you want to play? nah. what is it? it's a new game. it's called group therapy. is it anything like monopoly? no, no, no, no. this is an adult game. i ain't playing nothing dirty. it's not dirty, arch. it's a psychological game. i mean, if you play this thing right, you can really learn a lot about yourself and the people you're playing it with. oh, "the people, the people." it sounds left-wing to me. anything after george iii is left-wing to you. arch, it's a very simple game. you pick a card when it comes your turn, you read it and then you do what it says. i think you're gonna like the game, daddy. it can get very exciting. yeah, i doubt it. look, there ain't no dice there, no money, no boardwalk, no nothing there. some little card with writing on it. oh, yeah. i forgot to tell you, arch.

let's see what it says. ah... "do an interpretative dance to show the way you feel--" oh, jeez, listen to this. "to show the way you feel when you think nobody likes you." get out! daddy, the dance is just a device to show your true feelings, instead of talking. i can show my true feelings without talking. look... [blows raspberry] archie, you used to like to dance. with girls, edith, not with myself. what else you got over here? this says, uh... "discuss the part of your body you are the most proud of." all right! where are you going? i ain't playing. that's where i'm going.

stay and play the game with us. i'll tell you what i'll do for you, little girl. i'll give you my interpretative of a guy going down to kelsey's for a couple of beers. too-doo too-doo too-doo doo mike: oh, you're gonna love this game. it gives us a chance to be completely open and free with each other. we can let everything out. well, that should be right down my alley. italians never hold anything in. we let out so much that the mouth can't handle it alone. the hands have to carry the rest of the load. [doorbell rings] oh, i'll get that. edith: i'll bet that's lionel. yeah, probably. all: hey, lionel! come on in, lionel! here, let me get you a chair. sit over here. ooh, and lionel, by the way, i gotta tell you about this article i read in harper's. it's all about urban tensions. covers the whole black problem. oh, really? i always thought it was a white problem. hey, hey. funny. funny, lionel. here. here's a card. what are these cards for? oh, these are the voting cards. you see, if you feel that somebody's being honest,

and if you feel that they're not telling the truth, then you vote cop out. see? it's very simple. ma, why don't you start. take a yellow card, stand up and read it out loud. oh, all right. "name the person in the world you would most like to look like and tell why." that's easy. katharine hepburn. michael: hey! why, ma? well, in the first place, her hair and her eyes are a lot like mine so i don't think archie would mind too much if i looked like her. and then, i love the way she talked in them old movies. you know, like she was kind of running out of breath. [breathily] hello, darling. i'm so glad to see you and i love you very much. michael: oh, that's terrific! great. i vote with it. what do you say? all: yeah! michael: absolutely, ma. thank you, everybody. it's unanimous. you get five with its. one, two, three, four, five. who wants to go next? frank: me! i'll go next. okay. go ahead, frank.

that's a snap. it is? it wasn't such a snap for archie. for me, it's easy. go ahead, frank. the world is waiting. all right, all right. the part of my body i am most proud of is...my nose. your nose? don't laugh! they don't make noses like this anymore. they don't make edsels anymore either. you don't hear ford bragging about it. let me give you the full view. observe the nose. notice how it cuts out, down and under, like a roman eagle. and behold the full flare of the nostrils, proudly proclaiming, "leave the breathing to us." i got with it. irene: oh, no, no. he's copping out. frank, you're copping out. it's not your nose you love the most. irene, i got four with its. no, no, wait a second. that's part of the game. if irene can persuade us that you're copping out,

that's in the rules. now, irene, if it's not his nose he loves the most, what is it? it's his body. irene, cut it out. he loves that body? well, actually, it's his skin. it's soft and smooth like a baby's bottom. [laughs] irene. he hasn't got a hair on his chest. irene, cut it out, huh? he takes about a half-hour to put his shirt on in the morning. he hates to cover up all that beauty. a half-hour to put my shirt on? it only takes me 20 minutes. oh. then you do love your body more than you love your nose, so i give you a cop out. cop out, frank. hey, lionel, why don't you give one a try? okay. "choose a member of the group. "now standing back-to-back and pushing each other, tell him why it is hard for you to be direct with him." it's too bad, lionel. archie's not here. you'll have to pass. no, no. i choose you. me? yeah, yeah. come on. frank: come on! go ahead. fine. what the heck? i'm game. all right, let's see. standing back-to-back.

now tell me why it's hard for you to be direct with me. well, look what's happening. the card said push. you're not pushing. well, i-i don't want to knock you off balance. well, would you push harder if i was white? what? well, i mean, you're always bending over backwards for me, mike. i can't even get into a good argument with you, you're so quick to agree with me. well, lionel, we're supposed to be friends. yeah, well, that's why i'm telling you this. you gonna push? fine. i'll push. yeah, just once i'd like for you to talk to me like i was lionel jefferson, and not a representative of the whole black race. oh, come on, lionel, i don't do that! sure! what's the first thing you say whenever i see you? always something about the black problem, right? well, what do you want me to talk about, the weather? sometimes, yeah. i mean, black people have weather too, you know. i mean, we get rained on and everything. now, look, lionel. enough! i'm sorry. jeez, you really had me faked out there. what an act. but i didn't believe it, lionel. no, sir. i didn't believe one word you said. i vote cop out. what does everybody else say? frank and irene: with it. with it. i vote with it.

michael, that's four with its. all right, fine. four with its. good. one, two, three, four. but i vote cop out. one back. i can't believe you bought that. michael, isn't this game great? it's just like you said. you just learned a lot about yourself. yeah, yeah, gloria. i learned a whole pile. i learned that lionel could fake you all out. fine. go ahead, gloria. it's your turn. sheesh. okay. "pick the person closest in the group to you and tell them something you think will help them." okay. ma, i don't want to embarrass you-- hey, ah, ah, ah. gloria, uh, what are you doing? talking to ma. i know. you should be talking to me. why? the card said, "pick the person closest in the group to you." that-- that's me, your husband. michael, don't be silly. you're both very close to me. gloria, you're missing the point! the card says, "pick the person," see, "closest in the group." michael, you're being so picky. closest! closest!

i'm not fighting, ma. i'm just trying to get your daughter to play the game right, that's all. michael, don't be ridiculous. i'm not being ridiculous, gloria. i am your husband. i am in this group. i am the closest. if you have anything to say, you say it to me. all right, i'm sorry. michael, i think the dresses you've been wearing make you look older. you satisfied? no, i am not satisfied, gloria, because you should have come to me first. am i right, ma? gloria, do you really think this dress makes me look older? ma, i'm trying to make a point here! oh, michael. you've made your point. i'll pass my turn. what are you acting like this for, gloria? it's all right. i'll go next time. will you excuse me, please? ooh, i beg your pardon. gee, i can't believe the way you're acting, gloria. whose turn is it? it's my turn. gloria, does my hair look old too? gloria: take a card, michael. gloria, just because i'm trying to play the game by the rules--

bad attitude, gloria. very bad attitude. very bad. hey, hey. come on, kids. we're getting away from the game. come on. come on, pick a card. i'm sorry. here, it's my turn. "stand up and tell the group what makes you mature." ha! gloria: oh! i'll ignore that, gloria. i'll ignore that because that is part of my answer. i feel that i'm mature because... i'm open-minded. i'm tolerant of the other guy's opinions. [laughing] that i'm not going to ignore. she gave you a little zingeroo there, huh? mike: hey, frank! what are you egging her on for? what's so funny, gloria? "tolerant of the other guy's opinion." i'm just thinking about you and daddy. gloria, how do you expect me to be tolerant of archie? the man is a walking monument to intolerance. mike! i'm sorry, ma. i'm just being honest.

how many with its do i get? lionel: no, no. hey, wait, wait. wait, wait. now, a 5-year-old kid can be honest, but does that make him mature? lionel, are you calling me a 5-year-old kid? hey, don't you take your hostilities out on me just 'cause you're mad at archie. what are you talking--? archie's not even here! just remember, lionel, he is the one that doesn't want blacks in this neighborhood. i'm not the bigot in this house. he is! yeah, but he doesn't know any better. i don't accept that kind of reasoning. no, sir, lionel. i don't accept that at all. oh, boy. now, there's a show of tolerance. you sound just like daddy. okay. okay, fine. fine. that's it. all right. i pass. i pass. i'm tolerant enough to know that you're all dead wrong, but i'm not gonna spoil the game. lionel: no, wait. it is just a game. don't take it so seriously. forget it, will you, lionel? come on, let's play the game. are we gonna have fun or not? irene, it's your turn. let's have fun!

"who makes you the most nervous and tell 'em why." oh. irene! i make you nervous? mike, look, you know how much we like you, but you are making me very tense because you're getting so uptight about this game. how can you say that, irene? i'm not uptight! i vote cop out. i give her a with it! you people with the with its. all right, fine, with it. here we go. one, two, three, four. michael: i vote cop out. one back. how can you people say i'm uptight? do i look uptight? i'm not uptight! jeez! i'm glad it's ma's turn. here, ma. [scoffing] all right. "say something to someone which you have never said before but which you would like to say." i don't like this one.

you'll feel better. i don't think i will. ma, don't pass your turn. come on! we can take it. all right. mike, i don't like the way you've been acting so stuck-up lately. what? well, i think it's mean to make fun of archie and call him names the way you do. ma, you're saying that to me? me? well, you're right, mike. you sure can take it. will you just stay out of this, lionel? i'm talking to my mother-in-law. ma, you know all the dumb, stupid things archie says. how do you expect me to take the man seriously? come on, ma! i have a brain! if you was really smarter than archie, you'd be smart enough not to let him see that you're smarter than him. oh, she's got you there. zing!

wait a second here! what is with you people? what are you all ganging up on me for?! we're not ganging up on you. can't you believe the fact that she is right? she's right, huh? all right. all right. fine.

oh, mike, i'm so glad you came back down. and i'm sorry if i upset you before. no, no. ma, really, it's all right. it was all my fault. oh hello. look who's back. you're just in time for tea. i'll get two more cups. uh, uh, frank, before you do that... would everybody sit down for just one second? i have something i want to tell you. edith: oh, all right. come on, everybody sit down. just one minute. uh...gloria and i had a calm, quiet talk upstairs and...

oh, no, mike. no, no, no, ma. that's the word: stupid. i should have been adult enough to take the criticism. i just want to say that i apologize and tell you i'm very sorry. we understand. mike, come on. you don't have to apologize. no, really, ma. so you picked on me a little. i mean-- lionel: hey, mike. what do you mean, "picked on you?" lionel, why are you jumping on every word i say? i didn't mean that either. forget it! gee, you can't even make an apology around here. michael, don't get excited. haven't you learned anything? gloria, i tried to apologize, didn't i? yes, you did, michael. and you were beautiful. now, come on, everybody. let's have some tea. irene, but you're missing the whole point completely. i admit it, i overreacted. but the point is, anybody would have done the same thing if they had been hit as hard as i was. will you forget it? hey, do you admit i was right? yeah, sure. have some tea. hey, don't patronize me, lionel. michael, please! stay out of this, gloria. i'm making a point here. lionel, i want to see you say something to somebody here that you've never said before but you'd like to say.

mike, have some tea. i don't want any tea, frank. leave me alone! come on, say something to somebody here that you've never said before. pick somebody. okay. mrs. bunker, i have something i'd like to say to you. all right, lionel. i don't know how to say this. oh, come on, lionel. don't cop out. mrs. bunker... when we first moved here, i was kind of scared. my whole family was scared. but because of the way you made us feel welcome, we knew that no matter what, we had one good friend in this neighborhood. i don't know why it took so long to tell you this, but i'm very grateful. oh, thank you, lionel. that's it? you don't have anything more you want to say to her? no. well, what about the criticism? i don't have any. but criticism is the whole point of this game! there's no fun without it.

don't start with me, frank. i'm the only one who's opened up here tonight. all we know about you is that you love your nose and your pretty chest. why don't you pick on somebody here? i would, but i can't think of anything i want to say. michael, don't cop out by going upstairs. ho, ho, ho! don't you talk to me about copping out, gloria. i am the only one who has played this game honest tonight. that's right. i thought we could get together, have a nice game without archie here. but as it turns out, i'm playing the game with five archies, and every one of you is worse than the real one. michael, right now you sound worse than daddy ever sounded. how can you say that to me, gloria? you know the way the man talks to me. he never even says hello. the first thing out of his mouth is "get away from me, meathead." michael, you know you yell at daddy just as much as he yells at you. gloria, it's different. it's self-defense. he forces me to yell at him. mike, i don't think you yell at archie because of archie. i think you yell at him because of you-- ma, what are you talking about?! will you let her finish? i'd like to hear what she has to say. yes, but she's not making any sense!

you never let anybody talk. oh. oh, thank you, lionel. thank you. fine. is that what everybody wants, for her to talk? okay. all right, ma. you talk, i'll listen. go ahead, ma, talk. well...i remember a story we learned in school once about a man who saved another man's life. ma, what has this got to do with anything? wait, wait, wait. what were you saying about saving somebody's life? yeah, this man saved another man's life. and the man who was saved, instead of being thankful, got madder and madder at the man who saved him. and the moral of the story-- michael: all right, ma. what you're trying to say is that i resent archie because i owe him so much. well, i've told him a hundred times i'd pay him back with interest, every cent. now, excuse me, please. oh, no, wait. wait a minute, mike. i ain't finished. there's more to the moral than that. now, the teacher said that what the story really meant was that if you owe somebody an awful lot,

and that makes you resent that person even more. you see what i mean? i'm going to the kitchen. i think that i'd better have another talk with him. oh, no, gloria. let me. excuse me. mike! i'm all right, ma. out there, i told you why you yell at archie. don't you want to hear why archie yells at you? ma... i know why he yells at me. he hates me. oh, no, mike. archie yells at you 'cause he's jealous of you. ma, i don't want to listen to this! oh, now, wait a minute. you will listen to me! archie is jealous of you. oh, come on, ma. now, that ain't hard to understand. mike, you're going to college and you got your whole life ahead of you. archie had to quit school to support his family. he ain't never gonna be nothing more than he is right now.

that's why archie's jealous of you. he sees in you all the things that he could never be. so the next time archie yells at you, try to be a little more understanding. now, you think that over. and when you're ready, come back in here with us and be with our friends. keep away from me, meathead. oh, are they still all here? get away from me. arch, uh... i want to tell you something. oh, what?

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