[ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> very nice. thank you. thank you. that is very nice. i know. i know. [ laughter ] >> i join in with you but i have a humility clause in my contract. [ laughter ] >> that was very nice of you. you know what is better, i never had to pay for it. [ laughter ] >> oh, come on. >> check the outfits. look at this. identical. >> why didn't you tell me you were going to wear your blue blazer and your gray slacks? >> looks like tony randall is without, doesn't it? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> you got writers coming

>> uh-huh. [ laughter ] >> did you wear something like this to your high school? this is normally what you would wear to a high school prom, right? >> yeah. >> where was your high school prom? >> it was in craduck. >> craduck? >> yes, where i was living at the time. [ laughter ] >> where is -- excuse me, tom, where is craduck? >> it's in virginia. >> craduck, virginia. [ applause ] >> who did you take to your high school prom? >> her name was glena joyce quinn. >> where do girls in the south always have three names. it's like kitty ann litter. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> glenus -- >> no glena joyce. her name was sam actually. >> whatever happened to her? >> that evening?

>> it's not fair i'm laying the monologue off on tom tonight. tommy -- tommy's a great musician but for excitement, i mean tommy's idea of a big saturday night is go down to rolf's market, pick up 11 items and sneak in the express line. just to cause trouble. [ laughter ] >> are we in august all right? >> all right. >> and you were standing outside? >> yes. >> i think it's about 98 out here in the valley. the transportation department announced that july was kind of an unusual month in california. the ground speed exceeded the 55 mile an hour speed element. [ laughter ] >> how many of you have read the commission report on pornography? any of you? [ applause ] >> maybe you haven't read the whole -- have you seen some of their findings? >> uh-huh. >> yeah. some good news today

for consenting adults to share a single strand of spaghetti as long as it's done in the privacy of your own home. [ laughter ] >> and i think i should have done that joke in the privacy of my own home. [ laughter ] >> here is exciting show business news. i like her, vanna white -- [ applause ] >> what are you laughing at? i mean she's -- she apparently -- a publisher offered her a lot of money to write her autobiography. and i understand it has already sold to the movies. meryl streep is going to play vanna white. [ laughter ] >> meryl is already learning to flip over the letters on the puzzle board. and they are negotiating with redford to play pat sajak. >> oh. [ laughter ] >> i'm always looking forward to the star of the lifestyles of the rich and famous, robin leach.

>> the book is called leach on show business. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> we almost -- i guess -- they don't know for sure whether we're going to have an actor's strike in television. settlement in near on a new contract, and they have a strong incentive to finish the talks in sherman oaks, because the alternative is spending the weekend in the valley. there is a joke in there somewhere. if you would like to go on a treasure hunt. [ laughter ] >> one of the problems with the strike was -- i just plunge right ahead -- they had new episodes being planned for this fall that were delayed indefinitely. they have a new western stars

as the wrangler of an ant farm. in the first episode the kid is killed in a stampede. >> how many of you read the emmy nominations in the paper. [ applause ] >> everybody who is in television got nominated for something. they had a category for best toupee on a tv evangelist. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> no, no, no. not from the heart. they had some strange categories. up for the same award with dustin hoffman, willard scott, and king friday from the mr. roger's show. [ applause ] >> we're getting close to a joke here. [ laughter ] >> first lady nancy reagan had a birthday.

she is now 65, and she looks wonderful. and she is now collecting social security, so both the first lady and the president are collecting social security. now let them try to live on that when they leave the white house. [ cheers and applause ] >> we have black shoes too. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> prince andrew of england and his bride sarah ferguson, now she is officially a princess now, right? >> uh-huh. >> do they call her princess sarah -- >> duchess. >> she is not a princess, she is the dutchess of york. why did you say yes? yeah, she's a princess. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i depend with you -- >> i don't want to

all weekend. >> anyway they got back after their two-week honeymoon. and prince andrew was just like any other good son, he brought his dirty laundry back to his mother's house. [ laughter ] >> his mother is the queen. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> let's see, a little extraneous information. today is the birthday of francis scott key, the composer. [ applause ] >> composer of the star spangled banner. as he was composing it in a jail, during the bombing of fort mchenry, he said to himself, one day kenny rogers will sing this

[ laughter ] >> how many of you have been watching the footage from the titanic? [ applause ] >> wonderful picture. now i hate to say this, i'm starting to doubt it's authenticity. i was watching it last night, and the camera was panning b deck, and i saw doc, gopher, and charro. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> okay. you have all quieted down now from -- from the outburst. we got a good show for you tonight. we have a very talented actor, gentlemen who has been on the show a number of times, and i still do not understand most of what he talks about, mr. charles grodin. [ cheers and applause ] >> we have -- very funny young comedian who has been with us before, dom irrera. [ cheers and applause ]

of tommy walton. he is known as -- officially -- >> hot dog vendor -- >> well, he is bigger than that, isn't he? doesn't he do something -- >> he is the world's greatest? >> world's greatest hot dog vendor. that's what we're talking about. [ cheers and applause ] >> stay where you are, and we'll be right back. [ music ]

[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> hello there. [ cheers and applause ] >> yes. >> friday night. >> yes. you can tell it. >> the reason doc is not here tonight

he and his group -- that's good -- jazz fusion? >> yes. >> what is the difference between straight jazz and jazz fusion. is there a difference? >> yes. [ laughter ] >> it's a combination of jazz and rock. i see. okay. >> hum. >> they are going to playing at the rb smith park in fort lauderdale, and on sunday they'll be performing in long island. that's a big jump. >> sure. >> if you happen to be there, drop in and see doc. how many of you -- somebody said last week in the audience, they were out taking an nbc tour, and they went to the nbc gift shop. have you ever been to the nbc gift shop. did any of you visit the nbc gift shop? [ laughter ]

asked why the tonight show didn't have any memorabilia, and i said i didn't know. but they do have a store out here. and i guess people who come through want a memento of their trip. let me show you what is currently available. [ laughter ] >> okay. you watch the show st. elsewhere, you can actually buy -- >> a hospital gown? >> a hospital gown. they sell these out here. >> st. elsewhere. >> fine workmanship. [ laughter ] >> elves make this at night. >> they get $13.75 for this. we are missing the boat here. [ laughter ] >> letterman is ripping the public off. yeah. david has got caps out there. the cap is $9.75.

$16.50 for the sweatshirt. a real bargain. [ laughter ] >> what are all of these? apparently they have shirts from every show, remington steel, miami vice. [ applause ] >> what does this go for? anybody know? >> $10. >> ten bucks! [ laughter ] >> it's just a little -- >> we don't have one. >> no, we're going to have some. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> we're talking -- we're talking major league rippoff. >> family ties. >> family ties has got one. hill street blues, the a team. all $10. what is this? night court. night court has a t-shirt. [ applause ] >> oh, here, now folks, this a treasure -- [ laughter ] >> this you will probably want to pass down

an nbc flashlight. it has the little nbc logo, there is an actual switch and -- >> and nothing happens. >> this giant eliminating beam -- >> batteries not included. >> -- which casts a beam from here to the coffee cup. are batteries included? >> no. >> $3.75. okay. let's see what else here? >> hum. >> an nbc cigarette lighter, handsomely mounted in plastic. [ laughter ] >> of course, the nbc -- there is a logo on everything. >> sure. >> i found out a young lady from -- did she work for nbc? i asked her about this, and she said if you are an employee of nbc, you can buy this

[ laughter ] [ applause ] >> that's enough for people to say, hey, tomorrow i want to get a job with nbc just so i can save $0.60. i would get in here tomorrow, folks and become an employee. >> uh-huh. >> two bucks for the lighter. do you believe this? a little bib. >> wait a minute, i need that. >> well, you better come up with money. $2.75. >> $2.75? >> i'm make this donation. >> katherine mary likes that, thank you. [ applause ] >> that of course is in lieu of a big christmas gift that i was -- just remember, bib from johnny. [ laughter ] >> this -- these are items you buy out here. you know what this is, folks?

that goes for 25 bucks. >> i should have waited after the bib. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> now -- now what this is -- [ laughter ] >> see nbc is no dummy, some shows don't last. they go off the air. this is the head less doll, so this one at one time the mcclain stevenson doll, then the tom snyder doll, and then they put on a fresh head as soon as somebody is canceled. this is jeff of pink lady and jeff, remember that show. they just screw on a new head. nbc also had a little boutique back of that. there are some things you might not have seen. for example. [ laughter ] >> days of our lives coffee mug. [ applause ] >> yeah, for real.

[ applause ] >> and the golden girls glass with actual teeth -- [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> well, let's see what else we have here. many, many fine things here. [ laughter ] >> now you have seen frederick's of hollywood, right? [ cheers and applause ] >> nbc doesn't put these out because of children. >> yeah. >> but little pasties with little nbc logos. [ laughter ] >> it's kind of a one of kind -- this is an autographed photo of wheel of fortune's vanna white the night she stretched her right arm 23 feet, when she tried to spin the wheel of an amtrak train.

[ applause ] >> peter was right on that one -- do you think the long arm will go? and i said sure, it's a funny picture. [ laughter ] >> here is another one that he said might not play. [ laughter ] >> this is one of the crates of nutri-slim that is ordered each week by the cast of facts of life. >> oooooooh. [ laughter ] >> peter was right on two. [ laughter ] >> st. elsewhere, a paste-on scar. [ laughter ] >> how many of you watch highway to heaven? michael landon? this is a bottle of michael landon's favorite dandruff shampoo. are you ready for this one? halo and shoulders.

[ applause ] >> they were ready for it. [ laughter ] >> no. some of these -- we're getting behind time, so i'll just edit some. [ laughter ] >> oh, boy. [ laughter ] >> i see it coming. >> you see this one coming. >> yes. >> the today show has these for sale. bryant gum balls. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> there is a certain amount of security to do this type of professional comedy. [ laughter ] >> here is another thing you can buy. peter says where is he going? we didn't do that one. a roll of willard scott paper toupees.

[ applause ] >> boo. >> you are right, sir, you are entitled. the guy goes boo. okay. that one is not too good. oh, here is one. you see this? the -- take a close-up, the ed mcmuffin. [ cheers and applause ] >> keepsake of the tonight show from doc, ed, and me, pop-up marriage contracts. [ applause ] >> moving along here now. >> yes. this would go -- >> what? >> that would go. >> yes, the carnac camode. [ laughter ]

>> okay. let's see. i know i'm just jumping around, peter. now they have got the t-shirts, right? they have missed a big thing here. everybody has t-shirts, hats, sweat pants, and we just put out a line of shorts. [ laughter ] >> here's johnny. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> how flattering. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> all right. now we have got that out of the way. charles grodin is here, dom irrera, tommy walton, the hot dog king. right now we are going to

premeum wine cooler

[ applau [ cheers and applause ] >> all right. we are back. [ cheers and applause ] >> whoopi. okay. [ applause ] >> charles grodin is an unusual fellow. >> fine actor. he does comedy, and drama. he is currently starring in a picture called the last resort, and a new movie called ishtar. would you welcome charles grodin. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> what are you -- you are frowning at my outfit. >> i didn't frown at your outfit. >> you frowned at something. >> are you going to start already?

for quite a long time. this is the longest relationship i have ever had. >> the longest relationship i have ever had too. [ laughter ] >> maybe that shirt is supposed to be worn? >> i don't know about that. i thought that when i looked in the mirror, when they sold it, they said you can wear it any way you want it. but i look better with it out. >> that's a matter of opinion, i think. [ laughter ] >> yeah. i have to clear the air first of all because the last time i was on -- >> yes, i remember that vividly. >> and you mentioned that you saw me in the makeup room. the last time i was here i asked you who you were, and who your friends were and what you want out of life. >> yeah, a lot of personal questions. >> right. a lot of people felt that was vicious.

a lot of mail and i got a lot of comments that i behaved badly. it is considered an unfair vicious question, who is johnny carson. >> i didn't know how to answer that -- >> right. sorry i touched your -- >> that's all right. i was taken back, i didn't know how to answer that question. >> you wouldn't think to ask someone who you are would cripple you to that degree. >> right. [ laughter ] >> i didn't mean to say cripple -- >> right. set me off. >> set you off to that degree. and it seemed that every question i asked was difficult, like who are your friends, what do you want out of life? and i think i made you uncomfortable and possibly embarrassed you. >> and you are doing it again. [ laughter ] >> and even though the audience seemed to enjoy your discomfort,

of doing that. so i wrote you a letter. >> a very nice letter. >> and i said surely you know, i was out here for amusing reasons. >> i knew that. >> but you didn't answer the letter. >> i did answer. >> you did answer? >> no. [ laughter ] >> it's all right to tell a lie as somebody doesn't press yes, i did. did you? no, i didn't, so -- [ laughter ] >> so i -- i am left -- >> i was going to answer it. >> what happened? >> i didn't answer it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> that's all. i got to take a break here. we'll be right back.

[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> thank you, tom. we are talking with

[ cheers and applause ] >> anyway -- anyway, i-i -- after the last appearance, i-i try -- i wanted to come back and apologize -- >> you don't have to do that. >> if i made you uncomfortable. >> you didn't. >> but then i thought what will i do next time. and i said to my wife, i read an article in the big interview with you a few weeks ago, and i was curious about a few things in the article. [ laughter ] >> and my wife said, oh, you must not go on and press some of these points in this article. he is really going to resent that. and i said i don't think so. i don't think so at all. [ laughter ] >> what does your wife -- >> she said why don't you go on and reveal personal things about yourself? and i said no, no, i don't think the audience is interested in that. is more interested in hearing personal things about you. [ laughter ]