@ - [gracie] oh, good morning, ralph. - good morning, mrs. burns. - say, shouldn't you be at sc? - oh, it's so nice out today i thought i'd just cut class. - oh, well you shouldn't ralph. i remember, i went to school even on the most beautiful spring days. - yeah, but on days like that could you keep your mind on your studies? - well, no and i found it helped my mox tremendously. - is ronnie home? - oh, yea, ronnie? ralph is here. - say, did you see this picture of maria tornini with ronnie? - yes. - boy, what a shape. - well, i'll let you in on a little secret, it's really not that good. - no? - no, you see ronnie always had a little padding put in on his shoulders. (audience laughing) - well he fooled me. - oh, hiya ralph, good to see ya.

i figured if you were going to the studio today-- - you'd want to go with me? - maybe i would, yeah. oh, i'm very interested in the technical stuff and the equipment they have there. - i like that, especially if it's imported from italy? - yeah. - well, if you'll excuse me. i have to take some breakfast up to your father. - boy, would i like to trample grapes with her. tell me ronnie, why is it all those italian actresses have such beautiful shapes. - well, it's because of their diet. you know, the italian people eat a lot of olives and you know how round olives are. - well the girls i wind up with must eat nothing but celery. - well, look, all i care about is kathy. this business with marie is just a publicity stunt. (doorbell) i wish someone else would take her out. - you just got yourself a stand in. - oh, kathy. - ron burns, i just came over here to tell you i never want to talk to you again. - hi, kathy.

it's nothing. - nothing? look at that picture, you standing there leaning over that italian girl like the tower of pisa. well, believe me, if you feel free to run around, two can play the same game. oh, hello ralph. - hello, kathy. - nice to find you here. - oh look, kathy, you're so angry that you can't listen to reason. - let her alone, she knows what she's doing. thank you. - ralph, she's making a fool out of you. - who cares? - [kathy] yes, who cares? well, come on ralph, you can take me home through the park, the long way. - oh, no, kathy, honestly i can explain everything. look, the only reason i took maria out was because the publicity department forced me, right ralph. - ha! - [ronnie] oh, look kathy, really the only reason was that they forced me to. - ha!

- ha. well kathy, we finally got together. - why, how dare you. - women, i wish they loved me as much as they confused me. (door bell) - [ralph] ronnie, you were right. - ha. - nice of you to bring up my breakfast. - it was nothing. - gracie, i like four minute eggs, this one's almost raw. - well i put it in the water exactly four minutes ago. - yeah but from the kitchen it takes three minutes to get up here. - if you wanted seven minute eggs, why didn't you say so? - next time i will. - [ronnie] well, i'm leaving for the studio. bye, mom. - goodbye, ronnie. - bye, dad. - sound like you lost your best friend. - i did, best girl too. - what happened? - kathy saw my picture in the paper with maria and

i don't know what to do. she's beautiful, sweet and charming but sometimes she mixes me up so, i just don't know where i am. - why don't you do what i did, marry the girl. - oh, george, don't give ronnie wrong advice, you know you married me. - well, i'm leaving. i sure wish kathy would listen to reason. - [gracie] don't worry ronnie, by the time you get back from the studio, everything will be straightened out. - gracie, this is between ronnie and his girl and i want you to stay out of it. - i wasn't even thinking of it. - and don't go over to blanche's and get her mixed up in this. - i wasn't even thinking of it. i'm just going over to ask her to go shopping. - and keep harry von zell out of it. - i wasn't even thinking of that either. i'm just gonna phone him and ask him to take us shopping. - well it's 20 minutes since gracie left.

15 minutes for von zell to get here, so right now gracie and von zell should be over at blanches house. i'll turn on my television set and see. the first thing you'll hear is von zell saying, " i wont do it gracie, george will fire me." - isn't this a beautiful day? - that line must be left out of last week's show. - harry, don't change the subject. - no. - i won't do it gracie, george'll fire me. - back on schedule again. - why, i think gracie has a wonderful idea. all you have to do is go to the studio and say you're maria tornini's father and you don't want her to go out with ronnie tonight. - oh, it wont work. i don't speak italian. all i can say in that language is, arrivederci, and if they ask me, what flavor, i'm stuck.

- look, you two go. i'll talk to my harry, he speaks italian and maybe i'll pursued him. - good, good. blanche? - hmm? - thank you. - harry? - blanche, look if your harry wont do it i'll hold on to this one. he might have to learn what flavor arrivederci is. - [von zell] hey did gracie, where'd you go? - [gracie] come on, come one. - didn't i hear voices in here. - oh, yes, harry von zell and gracie just left. do you know something, i always thought that harry von zell was bright. - so did i. - yeah, well, after all i shouldn't blame him. you know, i could probably search the neighborhood and not find one man who can speak italian. - but blanche, that is one of the languages i speak fluently. - oh, harry, you amaze me. there's no limit to your intelligence. - true. - look, would you say in italian, i am the father of maria tornini.

(speaking italian) - oh, that's wonderful. now say, i will not permit my daughter to go out. (speaking italian) - (laughing) harry, you've got the part. - first let me say, (speaking italian) - what does that mean? - i will not get involved in any of gracie's fantastic schemes. (audience laughing) - [blanche] how did you know? - [harry] as we agreed, there is no limit to my intelligence. - [blanche] well all i can say to you is, arrivederci in all six flavors.

- and goodbye gracie, you know who is leaving. - goodbye.

- well sure, i'll just go to the studio and tell the publicity man i'm ronnie's mother and i don't want him mixed up in these stunts, bye. - is that all you're gonna say? - well, sure, if that doesn't work i'll just have to give up. - [von zell] oh, well, look. - [gracie] bye. - [von zell] gracie, in that case i'll be very happy to drive you out there. - no, no, no, it isn't necessary. - oh, now i insist. - [gracie] well, alright. - how about that von zell? that's the first time i ever seen the lamb hand the butcher the knife. (audience laughing) - won't you come in and sit down please. - well, thank you. - i'm mr. denton. - oh, you're in charge of publicity? - yes. - well, you're just the man i want to see. - [mr. denton] oh? well tell me, what can i do for you? - well, that publicity romance between maria tornini and ronnie burns has got to stop. - why, it'll do 'em a lot of good.

mr. tornini, is very strict and he wont permit. (von zell stammering) well you see, he doesn't speak a word of english. - oh? - do you understand italian, mr. denton? - no, no i don't. - that's what he's speaking. - sounded more like he was stuttering. - yeah, but in pure italian. (von zell stammering) oh, stop showing off. you see, that's why he brought me along, i'm his interpreter. - (von zell stammering) gracie? - now you see, gracie, that's italian for thanks. you're welcome, i'm glad to do it for you. - there's one thing i want to know. will you ask mr. tornini why he objects to this harmless little publicity stunt? - alright, mr. tornini, why do you object to this harmless little publicity stunt? - aren't you gonna ask him in italian? - oh, i don't speak the language, i just interpret it.

- well, speak up mr. tornini, why? - arrivederci. - oh, you see. you'll get one as soon as we get to the ice cream parlor. - you're very charming mrs. burns. mr. von zell if any other studio needs an italian father i'll be very happy to recommend you. - oh, now, you see, i knew i shouldn't have brought you here. that's the last time i'll ever let you talk me into anything. - [mr. denton] bye, mrs. burns. - bye mr. denton. - arrivederci. - [gracie] oh, no, i just wont buy you any. (von zell stammering) - stop showing off. - [george] yes. - mr. burns? - [george] that's right. - i am maria tornini and i need your help. - [george] well, come right in. - this is my sweetheart, pietro carvo. - how do you do? - hello. - mr. pietro is not in show business and he does not understand it is part of my career

- well, my son is outside in the garden with his girl and she doesn't understand it either. kids will you come in. miss. tornini, i'm sure i can straighten you out. i mean, i can get your problem straightened out. - oh, i hope so. - [george] i know i can. - you know mr. burns, there is something about you remind me of your son. - that's my signature, used it last night at the mccombo in romans. - pietro, it is a joke. that is another part of show business. - i will never understand it. - well it's subtle, it's bad. jack benny gave it to me, doesn't want me to do well. - maria? - well, she even follows you home. (all talking at once) - [george] hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. now, look, you're all in the same boat. you're angry because maria went out with ronnie. you're angry because ronnie went out with maria. now why don't the four of you go out together and the studio wont know the difference.

- kathy! - pietro! - maria! - how do you like that staging, with a couple on each side? now if this was a musical comedy, what a spot for me to sing in the heart of the cherry. (inaudible) in the heart of a cherry, stony heart of a cherry, wow that's when the manager made the ball bounce out in the street. - [gracie] hey, george? who's this? - gracie, this is maria tornini. - well, how do you do? - [maria] hello. - and this is pietro carvo. - well, how do you do? - how do you do, sweetheart? - oh, are you italian? - yes, i am. - i've got a wonderful idea. listen, why don't you take maria out and the four of you go out together and the studio would never know the difference. - mother, that's a wonderful idea and lets get started. - yeah.

- bye mr. von zell. - bye, ronnie. - oh, george, i'm so ashamed of you. - why? - well i always have to straighten things out while you just sit around and do nothing. - i don't know what i'd do without you. - well someday you'll realize that i'm not like other wives. - i've realized that. - gracie? everything worked out fine. - oh, sure. bye. - goodbye. - mr. tornini, how do you say, you just lost your job? italian, how do you say that? - (von zell stammering) abba, abba, abba. - abba, abbaba? okay, abba, abba. abba, abba, abba. - arrivederci.

ieience applause) - thank you, thank you. thank you very much. gracie, what member of your family will we talk about tonight? - well, how about my cousin, the strong man, atlas allen? - atlas allen, strong man. big fella, did he weigh much? - well, 250 pounds on his hands and knees. - on his hands and knees? - well, he couldn't weigh himself any other way, you see his bathroom scale was under the sink. - seems like a bright fella, this atlas. instead of getting down on his hands and knees, why didn't he move it? - well he did but then he had to get a plumber

- well, wouldn't it be more sensible to move the scale? - oh, george. atlas was a strong man, not a thinker. - i see. and this atlas, was he always strong? did he start out that way? - oh, yes, yes, he started out by building his body up when he was a boy. - i see. - and he lived near a farm where there was a new born calf so he went over and picked it up and carried it around on one shoulder. - well that's nothing, i can do that. calfs are very light. - yes i know but he went over everyday and did the same thing and after five years he was carrying a full grown cow around. - a cow around on his shoulders, didn't that bother him? - well, no, but it made it harder for the farmer because twice a day he had to sit on atlas' - [gracie] other shoulder to milk the cow. - [george] and milk the cow. this atlas must of had broad shoulders. - yeah, but they looked narrow because his neck was even wider. - oh he had a thick neck, what about his head? - he was ashamed of that. - he was ashamed of his head?

- well, he was a strong man not a thinker. - yeah, right. and when he was 15 his father gave him a rowing machine. - a rowing machine, well it's very good for exercise. - well, yes, and it was useful too. you see, his father had it rigged up so that when atlas was working the rowing machine it ran a generator that made electricity for their lights. - for their lights and the father got free electricity. - yes, and every night atlas got on the machine and he rod till day break. - he road the machine all till the morning? - yes, well he knew if he stopped the lights would go out and he was afraid of the dark. - your strong man was also a coward. - [gracie] no he wasn't. - [george] oh, he wasn't a coward? - he got married. - oh, he got married. - and to a very stout girl. - a stout girl? - people couldn't understand why. they didn't realize that it was because of his pride. - because of his pride? - yes, you see-- - why he married a stout girl, well that's pride. - yes, you see, a man has to carry the woman -[gracie] he marries across the threshold. - [george] across the threshold, -[george] that's an old custom, now. - [gracie] yes,

less than 300 pounds. - did they go on a honeymoon? - well, he did and he took his rowing machine but he didn't take her. - well, why didn't he take her? - well, he couldn't, the rowing machine only had one seat and goodnight. (laughing and applause) - oh gracie, you know that was very sweet of ronnie to invite you to have lunch with him at the sc malt shop. - yes, blanche how do i look? i don't want ronnie to be ashamed of his mother in front of all those college kids. - oh gracie, in that outfit you look so young and so pretty, i'll bet you'll be mistaken for one of his girlfriends. - oh blanche, now you're being ridiculous.

i might be mistaken for his sister. - that's what i meant. his sister. - older or younger sister? - younger. - oh blanche we're both lying but i love it. - no, but that is a beautiful spring outfit. does george know how expensive it was? - i told him exactly how much it cost. - and didn't he object to the price? - why should he? he doesn't know i bought it yet. - hello dear. - so, when i answered those four questions correctly on that quiz program... hello dear. the man said, "mrs. burns you have just won "a complete new spring outfit". how does it look it dear? - it looks so pretty on you i'm glad the quiz master sent me the bill. (audience laughing) where are you going? what about my lunch? - oh i forgot to tell you i'm having lunch with ronnie at sc. - what about my lunch?

you like your chops medium well don't you? - [george] that's right. - well don't worry, blanche won't burn them. - but gracie you didn't... i have to fix harry's lunch. - oh well that's alright. we'll even things up. next time you and i'll go out together and harry can fix lunch for george. bye. - well blanche i like my chops medium well done-- - george look, just a minute. - and trim the fat off. - if your going to have lunch with us, you'll have to take potluck. - i don't like the way that sounded. what kind of luck have you got in that pot? - well harry's having his usual lunch, carrot juice cocktail, a yogurt sprinkled with wheat germ, a side order of black strap molasses, and soybean cutlet with diced organic vegetables. - what do you eat? - after fixing that stuff, who can eat? - well thanks for the invitation, but i'm going to eat at the brown derby with a friend of mine. if i can't find a friend, i'm eating with an enemy. - well i don't blame you. boy i'd love to get my teeth into some real food. - why don't you have lunch with me?

you don't think i'd let him eat by himself. - happy organic vegetables. - i'll be ready in five minutes. - i thought so. (audience laughing) - i thought i'd find you here. do you realize it is two minutes past my lunch time? why are you doddling with george? - why shouldn't we doddle? it's too early to go swimming. - george i find your sense of humor extremely jejune. - well if it's jejune then it isn't too early to go swimming. (audience laughing) - blanche. - i'm having lunch at the brown derby with george. - but what about my lunch? who's going to prepare it for me? - nobody has to prepare it. that food is so healthy all you have to do is open the refrigerator and it'll jump right out at you. (audience laughing) (dramatic music) - you like harry morton's diet? yogurt, wheat germ, and black strap molasses. his cocktail before lunch will probably be brewers yeast over the rocks. (audience laughing) of course those foods have their advantages.

you get it before you eat. or you get it before you eat. or you get it before you eat. nice thing about a joke like that is that you can tell five or six different ways and not get a laugh with it. (audience laughing) people overdo that health food thing. for instance, lou taberman, my tailor. now he exercises for two hours strenuously every morning and chews each mouth full of food exactly 120 times. he's got very big muscles and very short teeth. and i know a fellow who eats nothing but fish. he told me it's brain food. it really works. been eating fish for 40 years and it's made him brilliant. in fact, he's such an interesting talker that people hardly notice it when he stops talking now and then to squeeze lemon juice on himself. when i was a kid there was no such thing as food fads. come to think of it, in my family there's very little food.

send us to bed without dinner. i always misbehaved. it was better than sitting at the table without dinner. i didn't miss much. frankly, my mother was not a great cook. finally bought her a big fat cook book and the food got a little better. see she was very short and by standing on the cook book she could finally see to put the salt in the right pot. coffee with too much salt in it doesn't taste good. when i went out to broadville eating really go to be a problem, but i had a trick. i'd go into a restaurant and the waiter would bring over a bread basket full of bread, and i'd say, "i'll order when my friend gets here". then i would eat the bread, say, "i'm sorry he "didn't show up", and then i'd leave. did that for three days and the fourth day the waiter brought over an empty basket. i said, "where's the bread?" he said, "your friend was here ahead of you". (audience laughing) a bottle of ketchup straightens everything out. ordered a cup of coffee and the basket was delicious.

or the basket was... now there's another joke you could tell

(audience laughing) - you know this is the best malted milk i ever tasted. - thank you. mr. freedman's wife and the people who own the shop believe in putting plenty of ice cream in their malts. i like them, but some of the kids think they're too thick. - well they may not be smart, but they

(audience laughing) - yea deb they're good malts. - you look very familiar to me. - well thank you. i think you are too. so ronnie, how does it feel being back in college after you were a movie star for five weeks? - mother hold it down. i wasn't a star. i just had a supporting role. - well that's nothing to be ashamed of. your father was a big star in broadville and i was very proud when i heard practically everybody say i was supporting him. (audience laughing) - well let's not talk about me being in the movies anymore. i mean i'm already getting enough ribbing. the guys are calling me rock and tab. when you hear them talk you'd think i had gone hollywood. - but you haven't, have you? - of course not. - i knew you wouldn't. you're too nice a boy to let one part in movie go to your head. - sure, but that doesn't stop them. like this morning, they asked me would i much rather have my name on my desk in electric lights or neon.

a star can afford to be choosy. - may i have your autograph sir? - oh sit down ralph and knock it off. - ooh marvin is full of temperament today. hi mrs. burns. - hello ralph. - come on ron, it's just a gag. - yea well it's a gag i'm fed up with. i haven't gone hollywood and you know it. - okay rory, i mean ronnie. i'll tell ya, making that picture sure hasn't done him any harm with the girls. i can't get to first base with them now. - yea well don't blame me for that. you've struck out every since i've known you. - hi fellas. - hi brian. - hi brian. - mother you remember brian mcafee. he's a student here. - why, i've been one for the last nine years. howdy mrs. burns. - well how are you brian? - just fine mam. could i have a little talk with you? - well certainly. - here, sit here brian. ralph and i have to get to class. - yea we're just gonna make it. - thank you. - i'll see you at home mother. - alright, bye. - come tyro. (audience laughing)

- well you remember my sister, bonnie sue? you met her last year down in houston. - oh of course, she's the one who wanted to be an actress. - that's the whole doggone trouble now. she picked up and left home and now she's here aiming to bust into the movin pictures. now she thinks that she can take hollywood like grant and although i do hate to mention it, tuck richmond. - well maybe she could get a job brian. you know she's very pretty and she's got a good figure. - well yes ma'am, but she's got no talent for acting. now of course she might get a part where she walks around in one of those little bitty bathing suits, but her heart wouldn't be in it. - oh i don't t tnk they cut them that low. - anyways, she's engage to marry the foreman at my daddy's ranch. now, if she gets a job out here he's gonna quit, and i'll have to give up my schooling. - and you don't want to do that. - no ma'am, i want to finish college if it's the last thing i do in my life.

(audience laughing) - well how can i help? - well bonnie sue seems to think that your husband, mr. burns can put her into the show business. now she's probably going to be at your house in a half a hour. - well, don't worry brian, i've got an idea. when bonnie sue gets there, i'll make her believe that people in show business are very unhappy and then she'll take the next plane back to texas. - oh thank you mrs. burns. is it anything i can do to show my appreciation? - well i'm not sure, but if you think of anything let me know. - yes ma'am. - hello. - remember me mrs. burns? we met in houston. i'm brian's sister. - oh bonnie sue, come on in. my goodness, what brings you out here? of course i didn't speak to your brother brian today so it's a wonderful surprise to see you, even though you won't be in california long.

i'm in here to get into moving pictures. - oh, you know harry von zell don't you? - well hello bonnie sue. how are you? - good, thank you. mrs. burns i've got my heart set on being an actress. i've been going dramatic school and i've been working very hard. well in fact, i've even gotten rid of my old texas accent. - well you known i've noticed that and i like your new one much better. - really? mr. von zell do you think i still talk in my old texas accent? - oh you sure enough don't ma'am. - you know bonnie sue, i know you could be a fine actress. and i hate to say this, but give up show business and go back to texas before you become as unhappy as i am. - you're unhappy? - [gracie] well i-- - gracie, what's wrong? - well i never thought i'd have to tell you this harry or tell anybody, but i don't want this sweet young girl to suffer as i have all these years with george.

- well, when we're out on the stage and we're doing our broadville routine, and george says, "gracie, say goodnight", i hate to say it. - why? - well you know i get all the laughs and when we get back to the dressing room he beats me. - oh, i don't believe that. - well i knew you wouldn't but that's because he's so careful. he never beats me around the face or any place where it would show. - now gracie listen, i know that george writes those routines and he gives you all the jokes so you'll get all the laughs. - and he likes to beat me. - now gracie. - ooh. - that's one of the places? well, he'll answer to me for that. (audience laughing) that no talented wife beater. (dramatic music) - well, now are you ready to give up show business and go back to texas? - no ma'am, if i could be a star i wouldn't mind a few bruises.

you want their lives ruined? - children? - well yes, now take my son ronnie. he made one movie and show business ruined his life too. - well how? - well, wait till i get him down here, you'll see. i don't know just what it's done to him. i'll figure that out on the way up.

- george, where is he? - why don't you look in the drawer? - oh there you are i've been looking for you. - harry would you like to go to the fryers club with me? - the fryers club, you're not even fit to belong to the human race. - they can't put me out of those organizations. i pay dues in both of them. - i never realized before that i was working for a monster and a fiend. - you're not, monster and fiend do a ballroom dancing act. you're working for burns and allen. - go ahead, be funny, make a joke. if i get a laugh you'll beat me. - harry you've got nothing to worry about. - and you'll beat me where it doesn't show. - there isn't a bit of you that doesn't show.

- well i'll tell you this, i've had it. i have had it. i wouldn't work for a contemptable wife beater. and you don't have to fire me, you're fired, out, out. well listen to me, i quit! you hear, i quit! i'm finished, through, forever. - harry i was just thinking of giving you a raise. - oh you can't bribe me, like i said, i quit. - not a small raise. - well i'm finished. - real big raise. - through. - see the season is over. next season i thought of giving you more money. real nice sized raise. - [harry] george, how much of a raise did you have in mind? - out. (audience laughing) - ronnie, put these on and come right down. - what, this old stuff that dad wore when he first came to hollywood? - well it's for publicity. the photographer's right downstairs.

- he'll be right down. you know every since he made that movie he stands in front of the mirror and he can't tear himself away from himself. - ronnie, but he seems so sweet and shy. - one picture ruined him. go back to texas and marry your boyfriend and have 12 or 15 children and be normal like everyone else. (audience laughing) look at him, here he comes. ronnie go upstairs and take that silly outfit off. - but mother you told me-- (door bell rings) bonnie sue. - oh hi ralph. - hi ro... and i thought i was just kidding you about going hollywood. wait until the kids in the campus here about this. - now wait ralph, i can explain. - so blanche, i just sent bonnie sue to your house to show her how happy you and harry are because you're not in show business. - happy? honey we've been fighting all day. i just told him to get out and he's packing right now to spend the night at the accountants club.

come in. - oh please blanche, for my sake act happy. that little girl's brother asked me to help her. - yea well alright gracie. bonnie sue, come on in. - mrs. burns asked me to come over here and visit with you. - well welcome to our love nest. - alright, i'll sleep at the club, i may stay there permanently, but i can't find a pair of pajamas. where do you hide them? - darling, bonnie sue came over to see us, say hello to her. - hello! what (mumbling) would it be to have someone fix my lunch who knows how to cook! - oh thank you dear, you'll be eating at home again. - where are my pajamas? - harry, bonnie sue came over to see how happy we are. - happy! how did you arrive at that weird conclusion? who is responsible for spreading these false and malicious rumors? you send my.. you send my pajamas to the club! happy! (audience laughing) (blanche laughing nervously)

(audience laughing) - gracie what made you tell harry von zell i was a wife beater? - oh george, don't worry about that. as long as it isn't true the only harm it can do is give you a bad name temporarily. - well i never thought of that. - mr. burns. - hello bonnie sue, i didn't know you were here. - bonnie sue, did you talk to the mortons, and are you going back to texas, and you're going to get married? - i saw them and i certainly am not. - oh dear. - mr. burns, i just got to get into show business so will you help me? - well sure if you've got talent. - i know i'm ready. you all just set a spell and listen. - no matter how good she is, don't encourage her. - okay, let's set a spell. (audience laughing) - this is scene from macbeth and i play the part of lady macbeth. my husband mr. macbeth is out in the veranda murdering duncan mccain and i'm waiting for him. and i'm just sort of pacing back and forth, talking to myself.

that which hath made them drunk, hath made me bold. what hath quenched them, hath given me fire. - bonnie sue, that-- - hark, peace, it was the owl that shrieked. the fatal bellman which gives the sternest goodnight. psst psst. - yea. - i was calling mr. macbeth. he's been off stage for happy hour. - oh well that's a pretty long time. - well he says, "who's there, what, ho?" and i say, alack, i lay there daggers ready. he could not miss them. had he not resembled my father as he slept, i'd have done it myself. - psst. - what, ho? - no, that's me, not mr. macbeth. - george i know she's wonderful, but we've got to get her back to texas. - well bonnie sue you're very good, but the play, isn't it supposed to take place in scotland.

like that if i hadn't lost my texas accent. - well that's too bad because you're really losing a big opportunity. - what is that sir? - well you see, the studio that made the picture, the giant, is making a sequel, bride of the giant, and they're looking for a real texas girl to play the lead. - and here i am talking like a northerner. - why don't you go back home for about a year or two until you get that accent back. - i sure will, and thank you very much mr. and mrs. burns. you don't know how much i appreciate everything you've done for me. - you stay home now because you've lost it. - bye. - bye - oh thank you dear. now she'll go back and marry the man she loves and brian can finish college. - good, how about we go on out to dinner. - alright, i'll go upstairs and change. - don't take too long now. - no i'll only be a happy hour. (audience laughing) - now when gracie says, "a happy hour", she means about a hour.

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- thank you. - thank you. - thank you very much. well gracie, who will we talk about? - well how about my cousin clyde allen, the talent scout for the zoo. - he was a talent scout for a zoo? - yes, he travels all over the world and finds interesting animals and brings them back. - alive? - well the last letter i got from him he was. - well clyde sounds like he leads and interesting life. - oh he certainly does. right now he's in africa. the zoo wants him to bring back a baby lion. - oh a baby lion, and has he been able to find one?

that he's got very good lead, but they'll just have to be a little patient. - what's the lead that he's got? - well he's following a pair of lions and lately the lady lion has been waking up in the middle of the night and asking her husband to get her some strange food to eat. - well that's very encouraging. - no, not very. you see cousin clyde is one of the things she wants to eat. - well at least if gives him a feeling of being wanted. he sounds like a very good hunter. - oh yea he knows all the tricks. - i imagine he does. - once he went out to capture a live elephant and he dug a 20 foot hole, and it was 20 feet wide, and 20 feet deep. - deep, yea. - and then he covered it over with leaves, and branches, and brush. and then, nobody knew it was there. - naturally, he covered it over. - yea. - and then he waited a week. - a week? - yea. - what happened? - well luckily and elephant came along and pulled him out. (audience laughing)

that cousin clyde forgot. did he get much money for bringing back these animals? - of course he didn't charge too much if an animal was too old. - well how did he tell the animal's age, by the teeth? - well i imagine so. even i know the older an animal is, the harder it is to get your teeth into it. - no, i mean did he tell the animal's age by the teeth like you do with horses? - oh no, i'm sure clyde wouldn't try that method again. - again? - well he once put his hand in the horse's mouth and felt his teeth to see how old it was. - and? - and while he was doing that the horse bit his fingers to see how old clyde was. - old clyde was. (audience laughing) - well at least he got it straight from the horse's mouth. - oh he was always smart. like the time he went to capture a dozen monkeys for a zoo, he decided the best way to do it was to win their confidence first. - well how did he do that? - well by making them think he was another monkey. you see, he let his beard grow it wasn't easy to tell the difference.

- so he lived with them for weeks, eating coconuts and scratching himself, doing everything they did. - and now the zoo has got a dozen monkeys? - 13. - 13? - yes and if the zoo could tell which one was clyde, they'd pay him. - say goodnight. - goodnight everyone. (audience applauding) - [voiceover] appearing on tonight's show - one more. just hold still, now. - ow! my finger! hey, who swiped my thimble? [whistle blows] - all right. at ease, at ease, girls. now, here's the duty roster for the first shift. willy and happy do the cutting. christy in charge of seams. fuji on button holes. tinker on bodices, and virgil got the hems. hey, watch it. just dropped a stitch there, virg. - ok, grub, that takes care of us. now, what do you do? - what do you mean, what do i do? i'm the floor manager. - look, grub, if we're gonna knock out all these sarongs on time, we're gonna need some indians around here, not all chiefs. - listen, we do all the work and you make all the loot. - you can say that again. we're always getting the short end.

after i take off a slight charge for my supervision, of course.