after i take off a slight charge for my supervision, of course. - sure, tink. that's the way we've always been doing it. - yeah. - and i say that's taxation without representation. - it ain't fair! - what do you mean it ain't fair? you never complained before. - [all shouting at once] - hold it. knock it off, you bunch of apes. now, what's all this screaming around here? - don't ask me, skip. talk to our leader admiral gruber here. - admiral gruber? gee, congratulations. i didn't even know you made chief petty officer. what--you didn't mean it? - ah, what's the matter here? can't you south sea seamstresses get along? - it's all grub's fault, skip. we're having this sarong sale for the nurses on saturday, and he's trying to give us a fast shuffle. - well, it was my idea to put on a fashion show. i got a right to be the head tailor. - yeah? well, it was my idea to heist the parachutes. he's always giving us the short end. - [all shouting at once] - all right, all right, all right, all right. now, look, tink. all i can say is that we're out here fighting for democracy, right?

then i say stick up for your rights. - you see? you listen to me-- - but-- stick up for 'em quiet. because i got rights, too. it's my siesta time! - men, i have just one last thing to say. remember: a family that sews together grows together. made that up.

- sir, captain binghamton, sir? oh. are you trying to disrupt the whole high command? - i'm sorry, sir. i didn't mean to floor you, but this is top priority. the number-3 supply hut has been hijacked, sir, and that crate of parachutes that you ordered is gone. and there isn't a clue, sir. - ah, clues. who needs clues? [telephone ringing] it's mchale and that gang of pirates around. you moron. - binghamton, who are you calling a moron? - oh, a-admiral reynolds. n-no-nobody, sir. my aide is here, admiral, and he said he was gonna take a coffee break, and i told him, i-i said, "put some more on." - sir, you called me-- - you--yes, sir. - delay the nonsense. this is important. comsubpac is sending an inspection team to check combat readiness of all pts

- y-yes, sir. efficiency test for the pts on saturday. - you make sure your men are ready. any crew that doesn't shape up will receive an immediate transfer back to ariaki for retraining and reassignment. do you read me? - oh, l-loud and clear, sir. loud and clear. retraining and reassignment. yes, sir, i'll-- yes, i'll do that, sir. g-get on the ball. uh, keep a tight ship, yes, sir. get the lead out of--yes. thanks very much, admiral. thank you. - retraining and reassignment? that could be a good way to get rid of commander mchale. - oh, who's gonna wait till saturday? i'm gonna have mchale and his parachute-grabbers in the brig within the hour. get me my hat. - yes, sir. - and get the door. - the door. - go out the door. can't trust you. - argue, all. scream, scream. everybody big prima donna around here.

- again? it never stopped. only get worse. i head for the other side of island for a little peace and quiet. maybe i even escape. - oh, and don't--don't do anything rash, there, fuj. come on, chuck. let's go over and see if we can stop him. - well, skip, i better put in for another cook. he's gonna escape. - oh, come on. - i'm telling you, sarongs with shoulder straps are more commercial. - yeah, and it's the latest rage. - maybe in timbuktu. shoulder straps went out with buggy whips. - besides that, they ain't chick. - chic. - they ain't that, either. - will you listen to them cockamamie couturiers. - and i tell you guys that this model designed by gruber should sell like mad. just look at that--full bodice and tapered hemline. - and i say my backless model with the puffed sleeves and the peter pan collar will be the smash of the season. - peter pan collar? - that's--no class. - it's too gauche. - that's your opinion. - you're all wet. - what do you slobs know? - what do you know? - [all shouting at once]

will you cut off the noise bells, all of you! now, then, what is the crisis this time? - hattie carnegie here is trying to tell us what's vogue and what isn't, skip. - well, anybody who'd want to put peter pan collars on a sarong-- - yeah, well, peter pan... - all right, all right, all right. one at a time. one at a time. go ahead. - that guy bosses me around all the time. for a whole year, he's played the lone ranger while i've had to play tonto. - could've been a lot worse. could've made you play silver. - please don't give him any more ideas. anyway, skip, when i calmly try to tell them that-- - calmly my foot. - yeah, skip. he was yelling at poor, old grub. - wewe, he had to. - besides, gruber never listens to anybody. - all right, all right, quiet. now, then, grub, what's your side? - well, skip, i got nothing to say. - oh, that'll be the day. - getting everyone from the base out here on saturday to sell them sarongs was my idea, and if he ain't grateful... - [all shouting at once]

that's music to my ears. that's a gorgeous symphony. simply gorgeous. don't miss a note. - oh, no, sir. - not a note. - [all shouting at once] - will you guys pipe down! - yeah. we need a little togetherness. remember, a tight ship is a happy ship, a-and those other navy slogans. - that's the only way i'd ever work with him again, if i was tight. - well, as far as i'm concerned, you can start beating the sidewalks. you're fired. - you can't fire me because i quit. and furthermore, i'm going into business for myself. - [all shouting at once] - all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. you meatheads want free enterprise, go ahead and have it. i don't care. do whatever you want. i'm washing my hands of this whole mess. - i-i better go show him where the soap is. - let's take our half. - [all shouting at once] - oh, it's cut and dried, sir. i think we can stick them for 30 days. - you're not paid to think. you're only a lieutenant.

when we can stick themorever? you saw them--they were all at each other's throats. why don't we just leave them that way through the pt efficiency tests on saturday? - are you serious, sir? and if they fail, they'll be shipped out for reassignment. oh, sir, that's brilliant. captain binghamton, you are brilliant, sir. [chuckles] - thank you, elroy. and thank you. - hey, skip, can i borrow your toothpa-- hey, what's going on? - i don't know, but it looks like somebody's trying to put a divided highway right through the middle of our island. and i'm gonna find out who. - well, wait a minute, skip. safety first. always walk facing the traffic.

now, what's all this? the walls of jericho? all right, come on, you bunch of hem stitches. start talking. what's with this white line? - don't blame us, skip. - they wanted it this way. - no, we didn't. - it was better like this. - skip-- - don't try to pass the buck-- - hey, hey, you're on our side of the line! - mr. parker, would you kindly tell mr. bell he's standing on private property? - mr. gruber wants me to tell you you're standing on private property. - oh, yeah? well, you can tell mr. gruber... - all right, knock it off! - skipper said to knock it off. and you better tell mr. gruber that, too. - ok, now, listen, you swabs. for your information, you're still in the navy and there's still a war going on! - yeah, and if you don't believe him, just take a look at that nip zero. that'll prove--nip zero? hey, [indistinct] - come on, boys. let's get outside. take a crack at him. let's go! - [indistinct] [gunfire]

yeah! go ahead! go ahead! well, what's the matter, virg? you had him right in your sights. why'd you stop shooting? - it was on their side of the island. - oh, no. i heard it but i don't believe it. - [all shouting at once] - all right. all right, that does it. now, you schlockmeisters been cutting each other's throat in a price war, and i don't care. but when it comes to a shooting war and you won't cooperate, then i close up your shop forever. finito. that's right. now you two guys are out of business. bankrupt, finished, kaput, and that is an order. - just think, another 24 hours and i'll be rid of mchale forever, and then i can really enjoy this war. ha ha ha. how about that, f.d.? mac? huh?

- captain. oh, captain binghamton, something awful has happened. - i know. and if i'm damaged, i'm gonna have you up on charges for striking a superior officer. - well, i apologize, sir, but i thought you'd want to know this right away. commander mchale has called off the sarong sale tomorrow. - called it off? he can't do that. how could he--did he find out about the efficiency test? - oh, no, sir, no, sir. we kept it a secret from him, just as you ordered, sir. - oh, this is a foul blow, carpenter. i'd counted on those pirates staying at each other's throats right up until the-- but now with the sale called off, mchale might even get the-- yet on the other hand, if mchale were called away until after the test begins tomorrow... - called away, sir? but commander mchale isn't going anywhere. - hmm? and neither are you with that vacuum you call a brain. i have a hunch that a little birdie is going to order mchale to baraga for a 24-hour refresher course on combat communications,

- oh, sir, you are a smart little birdie. - shut up and get off of my face. - ooh. - this is the captain speaking. get me mchale. smart little birdie. you're a cuckoo. - yes, sir. on the ball. tight ship. get the lead out. yes, sir. - yes. bye-bye, sir. bye. well, gentlemen, looks like i'm flying up to baraga. - but why? - you don't need a refresher course. - it don't make sense. - ah, well, ours is not to reason why. gruber, get the gig ready, and listen, you bunch of monkeys, no sarong sale and no squabbling, you hear? - yeah, sure thing, skip. nothing would've ever happened if it wasn't for a certain party. - don't put the finger on me. if you hadn't been so... - [all shouting at once] - ahem. while i am gone, the order of the day will be togetherness. don't forget it. now, get out of here while i pack. - all right, now, you men heard the skipper. a little togetherness.

come on, boys. two by two. let's go. move out. - don't you have a buddy, virgil?

- bye, skip. - bye. - have a nice trip. [sniffles] boy, i sure hate goodbyes. - well, get ready for another one. binghamton coming. i going. bye. - oh, boy, now, look, you guys, don't panic. just everybody snap to and look shapeship. uh, shipshop. shopship. well, do--try attention. - at ease, men. - at ease, men! really in the order, sir. - oh, good, good, sir. actually, we can belay the formalities. this is just a social call. ha ha ha. - it is? - yes. - gee, wally, i didn't even think you liked us. - oh, ha. didn't you think i-- oh, for goodness' sake.

- yes, sir. - that means, uh, you scratch my back, i'll scratch yours. - well, if you want me to, sir, i--where do-- - [laughs] he has a great sense of humor this morning, doesn't he? ha ha. oh, i... actually, chuckie, my boy, you see, i'm-- i'm in sort of a bind. i promised my wife that i would send her a genuine south sea sarong, and i--i don't seem to be able to find one. i--i don't suppose any of you men might know where i could find one. hmm? - [clears throat] - ah, yes, lester? - sir, let's put it this way, captain. if i was in the sarong business, which i ain't, i might just be able to fix you up, which i can't, providing you didn't object to a guy making a slight profit, which i wouldn't. - oh, no objection. why should i object, lester? actually, you'd be doing me a favor, to say nothing of all the sailors and nurses over at the base

on a genuine taratupa sarong. - uh, well, i beg your pardon, captain, but you see, commander mchale... - aah! don't you mention that man to me. don't mention him. aah. tyrant, that fellow. tyrant. i'm the base commander here and i--i feel that my personnel should be allowed to indulge in a little free enterprise. now, shall we say that the sale starts at 1200 noon tomorrow? huh? well, elroy, let's go. we mustn't interfere with the production line. - so long, willy. all right, men, you heard the captain. now let's man our sewing stations. ready your thimbles. knit one. purl two. full stitch ahead. - so i was thinking about 2 dozen of those summer [indistinct] models will do for a start. - are you kidding? no self-respecting nurse would be caught dead in this place.

- oh, please let them keep it up till 1300 tomorrow. oh, that's mid-pacific standard time, sir. - good morning. good morning. and a good morning it is. and welcome to the premiere showing of our summer collection of informal attire for milady and migent. sweet. - [cheering and whistling] - [indistinct] masterpiece of strapless simplicity. note the subdued shade of shocking pink in direct contrast to gooney bird egg blue. and it's all yours for the unbelievable stipend of... - whoo! - [french accent] attencion, s'il vous plait, attencion.

only from le maison gruber can you obtain ze dynamic, ze daring, ze divine paris look. if you please. hey, hey. - [cheering and whistling] and ze prices, zey are cut even lower zan ze neckline. only $14, and zat is factory cost. - ignore the gentleman with the big mouth. we are marking our goods down to $9.95. - whoo! - pay no attention. do not get stuck with le junk. we will part with our originals for only $6.95. huh? and our garments are guaranteed not to wear out. show zem, mademoiselle. - [cheering] - congratulations, wally. that's the third boat to come through with flying colors. who's next? - oh, that--lieutenant baker in the 94.

almost 1300. you get a jeep and you go over to the airstrip and bring mchale here as soon as he lands. - oh, yes, sir, and when shall we send for the rest of the troops, sir? - i'll give them a few more minutes. i want to make sure that they're finished cutting each other's prices and they're ready to start cutting each other's throats. - [giggles] - [french accent] and so, my friends, with each magnifique garment, there's a low price of only 3 dollar. a special gift for ze ladies. a one-ounce bottle of genuine french perfume. "nuit de taratupa." - he's robbing you blind, folks. that's ordinary jungle juice. and we're giving a quart with each sarong for 2 bucks even. - [cheering] - oh, yeah? well, let's make it a buck and a half. 2 bottles of perfume, and we'll throw in a free ride around the lagoon. - all right, folks. come and get it. a buck even and a quart of hooch, and a date with this beautiful model. will you let that sailor through? come right in. [indistinct] there you are, son. you're a good winner. - oh, uh, attention. as you were, everybody. quiet. ok. at ease,

- [all groaning] - what do you mean over, mr. parker? we ain't sold nothing yet. - yeah, give us a chance, mr. parker. - sorry, guys. captain binghamton's orders. he wants us mainside right away. let's go. let's move out. - ok, folks, same time tomorrow. same place, same prices, huh? - all right, come on, men. now let's go. let's move it. let's step lively. let's-- oh, you better stay here. you're out of uniform. - the 94 boat did an excellent job. let's see, wally. that brings us to-- - the 73 boat. it's due at 1300. oh, there's the skipper. - thanks, driver. captain. how do you do, sir? say, thanks for the buggy ride, sir. i thought maybe i was gonna have to hitchhike back all the way from the airfield. - oh, no, no, no. no chance of that, mchale. i wouldn't dream of letting anything interfere with your little date with destiny. - destiny? - i presume you're ready to go, mchale. incidentally, where's your boat? - the pt 73. why, back on the island, sir, i guess.

here she comes now. i sent for her personally. - i'm anxious to see you put her through the efficiency test, mchale. if you do half as well as the other boats, we can forget about any crew from taratupa getting shipped out for retraining. - and reassignment. - so that's the ticket, huh, captain? you shanghaied me so we wouldn't have any time to prepare for the test, hoping we'd flunk. - why, mchale, how could you accuse me of anything so dastardly? - [indistinct] bankrupt. - you blew the whole sarong sale. - you're lying. - [indistinct shouting] - [indistinct] - all right, you guys. we're gonna have some togetherness. - [all shouting at once] - well, mchale, have a nice, harmonious test run, and don't forget to send me a postcard from your new base. - [giggles] - [stomps foot] - oh! - all right, sir. - [all shouting at once]

- mchale? when did you get back? - look, i'm warning you feather merchants. either you quit fighting and get right back on the ball or so help me, i'll strangle you in your own sarongs. now, let's move out. - yeah. what he said. - eyeing that target. plane starting its run. stand by to fire, virg. - i--something's wrong, skip. the gun's jammed. - well, unjam it. the target plane's practically overhead. - i can't skip. it's all rusted out. - aha. rusted out. your sewing machine, you were oiling, but this gun--oh, i oughta-- chuck, get over here and give him a hand, will you? [thud] - it's coming this way. take cover!

all right, you guys. i'm coming around for the torpedo run. now, see if you can do something right. - gee, i thought that depth charge had good trajectory. see, it went-- - all right, grub, boy, it's up to you. now put that number-one fish right in a barrel. - just hold her steady, skip, for 10 more seconds and old lovable lester will-- [clanking] - hey, tink, what's wrong with these engines? - sorry, skipper. the fuel pump's stuck. - well, unstick it, you sarong salesman, and fast. - you don't have to hurry, skip. looks like somebody else is taking their turn at the target. boy, they're lousy shots, too. their torpedo's coming right at--us! - nip sub! nip sub off the port bow! - oh, boy, now we're really up the creek without a paddle. - boy, i'll say. hey, any of you guys got a paddle? - it's working, skip. i got it fixed.

- number 2? what's wrong with number 1? - because number 2 is pointed right at them. now quit arguing and fire! hey, grub, what's wrong with that torpedo? it's acting awful funny. - i tried to warn you, skip. i had all my merchandise stuffed in that tube. - oh, no! those blasted sarongs again! - skip, look. we've blinded him. - yeah. boy. how embarrassing can it get? - we can still nail him if-- grub, what do you got in the number-one cube? more sarongs? - not this time, skipper. just a big, fat fish full of tnt. - all right, then stand by to fire.

- ha ha ha. this is the worst marksmanship in naval history. they're gonna miss the target by a thousand yards. - target? who cares about the target? they're going to score a bull's-eye on a nip sub. - ah...sub? what is a sub doing out here? - yahoo! - [cheering] - gruber, you are the luckiest con artist that walked in 2 shoes. - oh, there's nothing to it, skip. just a bit of american know-how and free enterprise.

- i'm going to recommend the 73 boat for a unit citation.

they didn't pass the test. - wally, if that's what comes from guzzling torpedo juice, i'm going to recommend they serve it to every pt crew in the pacific. - why me? why is it always me? captioning made possible by - happy. - thanks, willie. - christy. - virgil. - one for me. and one for you, skip. - oh, thanks, willie. - and a package for mr. parker and a package for gruber. - mom's been in the kitchen again. ok, guys, gruber's gourmet shop is open for business. - hot diggity! i hope she sent more matzo balls. - that's my pizzone! - what do you got, mr. parker? - it's the first lesson in the correspondence course i sent away for. - what kind of course? - i don't know. you take an aptitude test and they send you whatever you're

- "hypnosis, the power of suggestion." - "for those with a forceful and dominating mind"? - boy, i must've done better on the test than i thought. forceful and dominating mind. boy. - hey, you guys, listen to this. we got a letter from that miss parfrey at the mission orphanage over on buena loa, she says it seems they got hit pretty bad by that last tropical storm. - gee, the poor kids. - what a rough break. - anybody get hurt, skip? - no, but according to her the place is a shambles and she's kinda counting on us to help them get back on their feet. - that means they need dough, boys, and lots of it. so, come on, start digging. come on. dig deep. - skip, what lousy timing. we got cleaned out in the crap game with the marines yesterday. - ah, you and your marines. come on, boys. - they made a beach head out of our wallets. - we're broke. busted, flat. - sorry, skip, my mother's two weeks behind in my allowance. - don't look at me, skip. - and i'm down to my last sawbuck. and those kids are expecting an answer to their mayday

- say, we can always try to unload a piece of hot merchandise. - what hot merchandise? - i don't know. i haven't swiped it yet! [all talking at once] - all right, all right. knock it off, you thieving pirates. we're going to get dough, but were going to do it legit. - hey, skip, i've got an idea. why don't we put on a little benefit show? that's how they hustle dough for charities back in the states. - oh, now listen to this. not only beauty but brains. shows us a good idea. and you know something? even binghamton wouldn't turn down that thing. - yeah. boy, this arrived just in time. i can put on a hypnotism act. - a hypo-who act? - hypnotism! it's simple, skip. all you need is a dominating mind and a bright and shiny object. - we can make a pile of dough. - yeah, we can put on a heck of a show! - everybody can do something. [all talking at once] - you're going to sleep. watch the watch. you're getting very tired. you're going to sleep. you're going to sleep. - hold it! hold it! hold it!

but in the first place we got to go over and ask binghamton for the use of the recreation hall. so, come on, chuck. let's go. chuck. chuck? come on. let's go, will ya? - ok, men. let's hit it. let's move it out. hey, skip, we overslept. it's 4:00.

- yes, sir. yes, sir, admiral. i realize how important this is to you, sir. we'll all be on our toes here. yes, sir. carpenter? carpenter? carpenter? - yes, sir. did you want me, sir? - no. i didn't want you. i was just practicing for the fleet yodeling contest. - i hope you win, sir. - thank you. come back here. of course i wanted you. that was the admiral on the phone. senator block is due here saturday on an inspection tour. - old watch dog block, sir? chairman of the armed services committee. i hear he's a rough one. - rough. compared to him, jack the ripper looks like a choirboy. all he's interested in is efficiency, economy. cut the budget. no waste, no relaxation. no frivolity. - what should we do, sir? - what should we do? - what should we do? - we'll throw a big mardi gras for him, that's what we'll do. we're going to close the service club. we're going to close down the p-x. we're going to close the officer's club.

[knock at the door] - good afternoon, captain. - not anymore it isn't. well, come on, come on, i don't have time for a lot of idol chatter. what do you want? what is it? what? what? - well, sir. we'd like permission to sue the recreation hall. you see, the men want to put on a little show. - oh. is that what the men want? they want to put on a little show? - yes, sir. - a little show with singing and dancing? - that kind of stuff? - that's right. you see, there's little old orphanage over at buena loa-- - i've had enough jabber, mchale. what in the name of nimitz do you think i'm running? - you don't understand, sir. the proceeds are going to go to-- - be quiet! - to an orph-- - i said be quiet and when i say be quiet, you freeze! - yes, sir. - as for you, mchale. there will be no show here. this is a combat base. do you read me? no show! - oh, but, captain. - don't you but captain me. i'm expecting a visit from senator block saturday and if that rat pack of yours isn't in shape, believe me, you'll be getting your social security checks from leavenworth. now get out of here! out! out! out! out!

- permission to be cross, sir. - out! - you certainly told them off, sir. - shut up, bird brain. we'll be late for rehearsal. - rehearsal? but, sir, you just gave mchale a direct order. no show. - you know, carpenter, with a little effort you could make full fledged half-wit. - thank you, sir. - shut up. get my hat. - yes, sir. - mchale couldn't follow an order if it had a big white line painted right down the middle of it. - well? - well! - oh, yes. - do something to earn your pay. - deprive a bunch of needy kids of food and clothing. - all right, all right. hold it, you guys. nobody's going to deprive any kids of anything. when as far as we're concerned, we're going to go full steam ahead. - what do you mean, skip? - what's the plan, skip? - yeah, what about that senator coming? - no sweat! look, as far as we're concerned, the senator comes on saturday, right? we put on the show friday night. on the other side of the island, where captain binghamton can't spot us. - and by saturday the decks are all cleared.

- now, wait a minute, gruber. rugged, maybe, but not beautiful. - ooh! i tripped, sir. - i don't care what you did. do you want them to hear us? now, tippy toe. tippy toe! - now, is it clear to you? i want these pirates in the brig before senator block sets a foot onto taratupa. now, the only way we can do this is to catch them disobeying a direct order. do you understand that? - oh, yes, sir. and if they're putting on a show, they're goners. - yes, that's correct. now let's split up. you catch them with any evidence, sing out. - yes, sir. oh, sir? - what is it? - what shall i sing? - i know what you should sing. sing the "beer barrel polka." - i don't know it! - out! i don't know. why is it me?

- that's not it. here it is. i say, now ladies and gentleman, here's a trick. watch very closely. i say, here's a trick that's out of this world. - oh, grube! - it's also out of this act. here's another one. this one should work. - it better or you won't. - have a little compassion. please, will ya? someday you might have kids of your own. - all right, all right, gruber. your act is in but please try to keep it down to an hour, will ya? - i'll try, sir, thank you. - all right, chuck, who's next? - parker, the great. hypnotism and fancy chatter. ok, come on, boys. we gotta... oh, that's me, now, let's see, you're going to sleep... i need a subject. - willy, volunteer. - me? i ain't no volunteer. - oh, my mistake. you're drafted. sit down over here. come on. let's go. proceed, oh, noble one. - concentrate on the watch. concentrate on the watch.

you're getting sleepy. he's getting sleepy. you're getting sleepy. the only voice you hear is mine. you'll obey my every command. do you understand? my voice is the only voice you hear. you'll obey my every command. hey, it worked. it worked! he's out like a light. - you're kidding. - if you don't believe me, somebody get me a sharp pin. - oh, no, you don't! - you mean you weren't even under? - nope! - we're you even a little drowsy? - nuh-uh. - if it's any consolation, chuck, my foot fell asleep for a little while. - maybe i didn't do so bad after all. take a look. - captain, before you blow your stack, let me explain. i know you said we couldn't put on a show, but... - knock it off, mchale. - now look, captain, those kids over at the orphanage need to have...ok, i'll freeze.

you want to put on a show? we'll put on a show. - huh? - anything you want to do, it's all right with me. - well, i'm the seventh son of a seventh son. chuck, you did it! you hypnotized old lead bottom. - aren't you gonna ask me in, chucky? - i am? yeah! come on in, wally. - when he comes in, you pinch him and see what happens. - oh, skip. i can't pitch him. he's a captain. - cut it out. go ahead and do it. - here i am, chuck. - uh...ahem. hi, wally. - hi, chuck. - chuck, you really got him under your power. - yeah. well, look, captain, why don't you sit down a minute? oh. here, listen to the ocean. - can i wear your hat? - no! - this is just great. great! - i don't know, skip. i've got to bring him out. it's just not right. yeah, here it is.

- don't you dare! this is the break we've been looking for. with binghamton willing to do anything you say, why, shucks, we can hold that show right out in the open. - show, what about poker? crap games? roulette. this could be the monte carlo of the pacific. - oh, gruber, this is strictly for the kiddies at the mission and don't you forget it! - captain binghamton! oh, there you are, sir. sir, look, i found the evidence, just as you thought. oh, i'm sorry, sir. i see you've nailed them already. oh, wonderful work, sir. sir, wonderful. i'll go get the sps. - now, hold it, carpy. now the captain wants the show to go on. doesn't he, chuck? - he sure does. he's doing it for me, you know. - now, listen here, ensign. you mind your ps and qs. - carpenter, if chucky wants the show to go on, if that's what he wants, that's what i want. - so, bye-bye, carpy. - but, sir, in your office and on the way over here, i distinctly heard you say you did not want a show. - carpenter, have you been drinking again? he's a terrible person, chuck. he's drinking all the time. - but--but-- - i've got a wonderful idea for the show, chuck. why don't you let me be it? i do a snazzy little soft shoe.

- sir, what about senator block? old watch dog block? you know how he feels. - oh, quiet, carpy. can't you see the captain's dancing? dance, captain, dance. - how was that? i've got a great idea, chuck. why don't we do a duet? binghamton and parker. huh? - oh, i don't know, wally. - oh, i'm sorry. parker and binghamton. part of it is hand work, you know.

- it's the greatest little show on earth. it's mchale's follies. this friday night, boys. there's gonna be acts. big acts. 8 acts, boys. all kinds of acts. wait a minute, sailor. girls. girls. girls dancing just the way you'd like to see them, you know what i mean? how am i doing, chucky? - fine, wally. just fine. - nothing, he calls it! mr. parker,

island as fast as you did. - gentlemen, a toast to mr. parker and his forceful dominating mind. - here, here! - mr. parker? - huh? oh, sorry. carpenter? - ensign, this is the last bottle of the captain's private stock. - now see here, lieutenant, you wouldn't want us to tell the captain that you refused mr. parker and his friends? fill 'er up. - all right. now, just what's going on here? - oh, hi, skip. come on in. the wine's fine. - oh, it is, is it? carpy? you'll excuse us. we have a little private matter to take care of. now, you listen to me, you bunch of knot heads! - gosh, skip. what are you getting mad at? - what do i get-- - look, we're supposed to be putting on show, or did you forget? - no, skip. i got binghamton and he assigned some details to paint the scenery and pick up the costumes.

- oh? and who did you send over to rehearse your acts for you? huh? all right, you miserable playboys! come on! get out of there. get out! out! out! you've got rehearsal to do. outside! get out of here! - commander mchale, i don't know what-- - carpy, didn't the captain give you something special to do? huh? - hey, where's the captain? - he's taking a rehearsal break with the rest of the guys. - oh. - we've got the dice? ok, baby, a 7 or 11. - hey, gruber. - hi, mr. parker. - hi, chucky. - hi, wally. - come here a minute, gruber.

- hey, gruber, have you blown your stack? three hours until show time and you get binghamton in a crap game. - we told him he said it was ok. - now, you know the skipper said about not to take advantage of binghamton. - what advantage? he's winning. - come on, chucky, you're holding up the game, buddy. gruber, give my old pal the dice. you want to roll, chuck? - me? i don't...well... - come on, chuck. you're covered. - come on, 7! [snap] - no, chuck! - where am i? what in the name of houses is going on here? where am i? who are these people? what are they staring at? this must be mchale. - he's out of it! - all because i snapped my...oh, boy. - aha! a crap game! i've got you pirates this time! - take it easy, captain. take it easy. - take it easy, wally. just watch the watch. - watch the watch. watch the watch. - don't you wally me. get that thing out of my face. so, mchale, i've really got your salt water crabs this time, holding

- can you think of a better place, sir? and besides, you were in the game. - me? in a crap game? that's ridiculous! i've never been in a... i seem to have a high-- you're all under arrest. carpenter? carpenter? - watch the dog tags, wally. see the dog tags. you're getting sleepier. you're getting sleeper. - sleepier? would you take those things out of my face? carpenter? - yes, sir. i'm right here, captain. - it's about time you got here. i want all of these men-- what in the blue pacific are you doing in that outfit? - well, sir, quint here, gave me a specialty. how do you like my outfit, sir? - how do i like it? are you out of your mind? - no, sir. i'm supposed to be the bird in the gilded cage, sir. - is that what you're supposed to be? the bird in the-- well, you're going to be a dead pigeon in the brig, that's what you're gonna be, unless you explain to me what is going on here. - we're only putting on the show that you authorized, sir. - a show that i authorized? are you all out of your minds? do you think i would authorize a show like this with senator block on his way here?

the stockade, that's what i'm going to do with you and it's going to be one of the longest runs in history. - watch the belt, captain. see the belt. - i'll belt you if you don't get those things out of my face. carpenter, you get out of that ridiculous outfit. - yes, sir. sir, i'm having a little trouble with my zipper. would you help me? - your zipper? oh, yes. i used to do this for mrs... oh, get your own zipper! you didn't see that. - what now, skip? the show is supposed to go on in a hour, and we can't get the money back for the tickets. we already shipped it over to the orphanage. - if only mr. parker could get another chance at hypnotizing the captain. - how can we get near him? we're supposed to be on our way to the brig. - hey, wait a minute, fellas. i got an idea. - come here. come here. come here. boys, look, it's a long shot, but it's worth a chance, right? chuck. i want you to get on that phone over there

you know where it's at. ok, virgil... [telephone ringing] - yes? - are you watching the light? see it swaying to and fro, to and fro. - now, now see here. - you're getting sleepy. you're getting very sleepy. this is chuck. whatever i tell you to do you will do. do you understand? - whatever you say, chuck. anything you say. - ok.

papers for commander mchale and the entire 73 crew. just as you ordered. waiting for your signature. - court martial mchale and the crew of the 73? my fellow players? mr. parker's friends? - but, sir, i don't understand. you told me to go outside and make up the court martial-- - it's not yours to reason why. it's yours to obey your commanding officer. - sir, i've been trying to do that all day, but you just won't let me. first you say one thing, then you say another. sir, no matter what i do, i just can't seem to please you. - pull yourself together, boy! we have a show to do. for chuck. - go, lead bottom, go! they're loving it out there. - keep it up, wally! - i'm senator block. is this captain binghamton's office? - yes, sir. only the captain isn't in.

- dancing in the show? - he does a mean soft shoe. - my coming a day ahead of time could prove interesting. where is this rec hall? [applause] - thank you. thank you, talent worshippers. i wish i could say i didn't deserve it, but i do. and now for the piece de resistance of the evening. i assume you all know my assistant, captain twinkle toes binghamton. - you're on. go ahead. - boy, what a ham. he wants to be in everything. - thank you. and now for the big one of the evening, i shall saw the captain in half. - just a second, gruber. i didn't know about this. - it's all right, captain. it's for chucky. if you please. preparation.

there we go. now, don't worry, folks. he's got a 50/50 chance. actually, i've done this trick once before. poor fellow would've been 35 tomorrow. well, let's get on with it. captain, step right here. - [muttering] watch that first step. - do i lie down here? - lie right down in there. there we go. nice and cozy. - bye-bye, captain. - bye-bye, captain. [piano playing] - ha ha! gently, gruber, gently. gently. - nothing to worry about, captain. i'm bound to be at least half right. - hey, let's pick up the tempo. will ya? we're dying out here. a little faster like this. - no! not the fingers! not the fingers! - good. [snapping] [piano playing faster] - where am i? what am i doing up here? - i'm sawing you in half, captain, see! - well, thank heaven, for a while there,

[applause] - good heavens, i'm split! put me back together! get me out of this thing. - please, please, not in the middle of my act. - i'm going to have you all shot! where are the s.p.s? get them! bring back my legs! - close the curtain! fast! close it! all right, folks. that's all for tonight. i hope you enjoyed the show! good night! - get me out of this thing. you're all under arrest. - now take it easy, captain. just watch the watch. see it swinging to and fro. - you'll swing to and fro when i get out of here, i'll tell you that. get that thing out of my face. he's always sticking things... - now take it easy, sir. don't lose your head. - my head i've got. it's my feet i want. look at them over there. it's ridiculous. mchale, i'm warning you. - why, hello, senator block! senator block. - welcome aboard, sir. - hi! i'm a hypnotist. - he's a hypnotist. pardon me for not getting up, senator. - that's quiet all right, captain. i understand.

you don't understand at all. but i'll explain once i get out of this contraption. - now, don't be so modest. i just came backstage to congratulate you. - you what? - i said i want to congratulate you. putting on a show of your own, without any outside help. you're to be commended for what you've done. - did you hear that, sir? we're to be commended for what we did. - binghamton, you're an efficiency expert after my own heart. - oh, i'm after... - well, we try to do things on our own here, senator. that's...we all pitch in together, don't we? - yes, sir. yes, sir. oh, and speaking of togetherness, grube... - yes, sir. - that's quiet a stunt you put on there, pretending that you weren't enjoying yourself. made the whole stunt even funnier. - well, we planned it that way, didn't we, boys? - what's the matter grube? come on. - i don't know how to say this, skip, but for the life of me, i forgot how to... - what? - well, think, man, think! - i'm thinking. i'm thinking. - nah, that's for the flower trick. - no, that's...

what are my feet doing down here now? put me together right now! - all right, captain. - you're all going to be court martialed! [all talking at once] - mail call! happy. - ok. - tinker. - thank you! - christy. - thanks. - here's a letter for you, skip. - thanks, willie. - mr. parker, here's a package for you and a letter for me. - hey, you guys. this letter is from miss parfrey. she wants to thank us and says the money we sent got the orphanage back on its feet and everything is just like it was, oh, except the bed time prayers take five minutes

- what you got, mr. parker? - i don't know. i took another aptitude test for the home correspondence course. - brain surgery. self-taught! - yeah. brain surgery! boy, that's even better than hypnotism! and look. they include a scalpel. boy! hehehehehehehehehehehehello. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed i wonder where can he be hiding the carrots? no.