ed! oh-oh. don't ever do that, wilbur. my little heart is pounding like a bongo drum! when i get through with you, your head will pound like a bongo drum. just look at this mess! holler, but don't hit. and what are you doing at my file cabinet? i was looking under "c" for carrots. between meals? i thought you were on a diet. i am. that's why i'm hungry. ed, ed. [paper rustling] why did you go on this diet anyway? well, you know that cute little spanish filly we've been meeting in the park, sundays? chiquita? yeah. she digs skinny horses. you old son of a gun. so you're in love again, huh? yeah. one smile from chiquita, and even my tail gets goose pimples. why, you sure go for these foreign fillies, don't you? let's see. before chiquita, it was a little french filly, suzette. and before suzette,

[ed chuckling] i'm just a gay, international playboy. [ed laughing] ed, just look at this pigsty! when i got up this morning, my mouth was dry, and i just had to have a carrot. why didn't you eat some hay? if your mouth was dry, would you eat hay? never mind. look, ed, i don't mind you trying to lose a few pounds, but i will not stand for your messing up this place. you're just too darned sloppy. no, i will not jump in the lake. huh? uh, how did you know i said that? i can read lips. i don't believe it. all right, then, try me. [inaudible] no, i will not tell you where i hid the carrots. ok. so you can read lips. and look, you're not gonna get any more carrots until you clean this place up. now get going.

(wilbur) just you get in there and clean it up. from sunup to sundown, a horse's work is never done. get your work done. clean it up. wilbur, i've just got a wire from daddy, and he's driving in tonight. isn't that wonderful? oh, joy! now, honey, i know you think daddy doesn't like you, but deep down, he does. then why did he lock me in the cloakroom just before the wedding ceremony? now, wilbur, you know that isn't true. you were the only bride who had to show a claim check to get a groom. look, let's face it. your father never forgave me for stealing you away from that doctor. but, wilbur, you know i never really loved henry. that didn't bother your father. he didn't want a son-in-law. he just wanted a cheap medical plan. how long will he be staying? he didn't say. he's coming out on some sort of real estate deal. honey, promise me you'll be nice to daddy. for my sake. oh, of course.

you know, at the wedding i had the feeling your father wasn't giving you away. he was just sort of, uh, leasing you out.

you're late for work. you grab your 10-gallon jug of coffee, and back out of the garage. right into your wife's car. with your wife watching. she forgives you... eventually. your insurance company, not so much. they say you only have their basic policy. don't basic policies cover basic accidents? of course, they say... as long as you pay extra for it. with a liberty mutual base policy, new car replacement comes standard. and for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. learn more by calling at liberty mutual, every policy is personal, with coverage and deductibles,

which is why we don't offer any off-the-shelf policies. switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509. call liberty mutual for a free quote today at see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. wilbur! [gasping] hi, dad. welcome-- welcome to the house. oh, carol! what is it? oh, honey, you mussed up the couch. and i want everything to look neat for daddy. yeah, yeah, yeah. and, wilbur, shine your shoes and put on a tie. is your dad coming here for a visit, or barracks inspection? but darling, i want him to see what a beautiful home we have, and how well you're doing. why don't you wear your cashmere jacket? my new brown jacket? mmm-hmm. with the best white silk shirt? yes!

good luck, charlie. oh, wilbur! please. i heard screaming. when did your father get in? we expect him any minute. [sighs] ooh. i'd better go check the roast. excuse me, roger. oh, rog', when does kay get back from palm springs? as soon as my money runs out. you know, i kind of miss my nightly fights with her, so i thought i'd drop by here and catch one of yours. oh, we weren't fighting. carol's a little bit jittery about her father getting here. yeah, from what i understand, he wasn't too pleased about getting you for a son-in-law. he would have preferred somebody normal. oh, cut it out. don't let him upset you, wilbur. try to understand her father. after all, carol is his only daughter. well, i'm her only husband. carol didn't do too badly, you know. i make a pretty good income. i have a beautiful home here. i'm--i'm intelligent, personable, and, if i must say so, quite charming. then why did her father lock you up in the cloakroom? how did you learn about that? carol told kay.

did you really try to put the ring on carol's thumb? that could have happened to anybody. you know what tiny fingers carol has. and i got the wrong-size ring. naturally. and it was dark in there. after all, we had a candlelight ceremony, you see, and when i reached over to put the ring on her finger... like i said, it was dark. you're lucky you didn't marry the best man. stop worrying about your father-in-law, wilbur. now, from what i understand, he has nothing personal against you. except for one thing. what's that? he thinks you're a kook. do you think i'm a kook? well, wilbur. let's face it. any man who has a beautiful wife, and yet spends all his time with a horse, is hardly the type we'd pick to head mental health week. there's nothing wrong with a man spending time with his horse. carol didn't want me to tell you this until it was certain. but you're in an excellent position to land that architect's job on her father's big real estate deal. so, for heaven's sake, keep away from that old plug. look, i don't want any favors from him. i'm doing pretty well, thank you. if she thinks i'm gonna make a big fuss about her father,

that's him. that's him! where's my cashmere jacket? carol, where s my tie? it's in the closet. carol, your father's outside! open the door! [doorbell ringing] wait! wait till i put on my jie and tacket. i mean, my tack and jiet. will you excuse me? i break up at these touching scenes. [doorbell ringing] i can't keep him waiting out there all night. here. let me! oh! he hasn't changed a bit. hi. had a little accident. the floor was just waxed. floor waxed? that's carpeting. uh, slippery as the dickens underneath. oh, daddy, it's so wonderful to see you. how are you, honey?

of course. everything s fine. (carol) mmm, you're looking wonderful, dad. how was the trip? come on and sit down, and tell me everything. yes, sit down. tell us everything, dad. well, there isn't much to tell. how long can you stay with us? well, i won't be able to stay very long, carol. you see, there's a real estate syndicate here: carmichael and hogan. and i may buy some land from them for our housing project. housing. i used to do all that kind of work. uh, you're looking beautiful, carol. california really agrees with you, doesn't it? oh, we really love it here. tell me, how are aunt alice and aunt gertrude? i built a 6-story office building downtown last year. oh, they're fine. and uncle joe? is he still with that hardware company? oh, yes. they'll make him vice president yet. yes, siree. they say it's a show place. what's a regular show place? the alligator farm. it's right in the middle of the city. would you care to go down and see it on sunday? why would i want to go and see a-- an alligator farm? i'm here to close a real estate deal. i don't know. i thought you just might like alligators. dad, you must be starved.

while i put dinner on the table? fine, honey. right up the stairs, turn right, you'll be in the cloakroom-- uh, the bathroom, bathroom. oh, i've waited years for this. for what? i'm gonna lock him in the bathroom. wilbur! (wilbur) is that you, ed? uh-oh. here comes another lecture on neatness. ed, where have you... oh, no! ed, look at yourself! revoltin', huh? look, ed, i told you, come in here once more looking like that... and as far as i'm concerned, you'll stay that way.

and i'm a lover, so love me. oh, you crazy horse. [ed singing] got a date, a little later when the moon is on the trail you're, uh, you're really stuck on that chiquita, huh? yeah. she sure makes a horse wanna settle down. you know, you're not the marrying type, ed. you're more of a lone wolf. you know, "love 'em and leave 'em." matter of fact, i, uh-- i was like that myself, you know. you were, huh? oh! hello, dad. i-- i was just, uh... talking to the horse? yeah. uh, no. no, to myself. not that i--i talk to myself, but-- where've you been all morning, dad? uh, looking over that property. is this were you work? yes. yes. this, uh, this is my office. sit down. i'll show you some of the things i'm working on. [sighs]

designing a medical building, you see. i've laid out the parking lot in an l-shape, so all the approaches are centralized. i've got some other innovations. instead of using steel posts as bracers, i'm using an alloy. well, i have an architect in new york. oh, what's his name? maybe i know him. no, i don't think so. he's one of the big ones. pretty good, huh? i always pick the best. my success has been based on being able to pick the right people for the right job. if there's one thing i pride myself on, it's my knowledge of character. [phone ringing] excuse me. hello? oh, yes, yes. it's--it's-- it's for you. oh. thank you. hello? oh, yes, mr. carmichael. i know that you're anxious to get on with the purchase of our property, mr. higgins. so if you wish, we can have our legal staff rush the contracts, and we can submit it for your approval by tomorrow. splendid. the sooner the better. uh, what time can you drop by tomorrow?

that's 17230, valley spring. goodbye. bye. well... so far so good, huh? yup.

i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e

all is love is love ow! ooh ooh... [howling] announcer: for great play ideas, visit www.smallstep.gov. hi, ed. ed, are you in there? oh, no. wo-wo-wonderful day, isn't it? sun is shining, birds are on the wing. dew is on the grass... and the dirt is on the horse! how could you get so filthy? i heard mud baths were good for reducing. oh you did, huh? wilbur, i gotta lose 18 more pounds before sunday. ed, do you remember what i told you yesterday? i forgot. wash me down while you're reminding me.

you could clean yourself up. clean myself? how? i don't know. go to a car wash for all i care. [chuckling] a car wash. oh, wilbur, you're beautiful. w-why aren't you laughing? i meant what i said, ed. you got yourself dirty, now you can figure out some way of getting yourself clean. now wait a minute, buddy boy. i've got a big date with chiquita, sunday. i can't show up looking like a slob. there's only one chance you have of getting clean. what? i'll do anything. what? pray for rain. [inaudible] you'll turn who in to the s.p.c.a.? yeah. you and your lip reading. and i'll break that code some day, too.

hello, carol. oh, hi, roger. where's wilbur? he's out in the office, working. any chance of your father letting him draw the plans for that big project? i don't know. every time i bring it up, daddy mumbles something about wilbur being eccentric. he seems to think that anyone who has an office in his barn can't be too reliable. that shouldn't make any difference. after all, it's wilbur who designs the plans, not the horse. although sometimes i wonder. it's, uh, a beautiful building. i have their plans just over at my office. i--i can go and get them if you're interested. all right. be right back. daddy, what happened to wilbur? oh, he was telling me about some office building he designed and he--he went out to the barn-- uh, to his office to get the plans. dad, now that we have a few minutes together,

now, i know you think he's eccentric. but just wait till you get to know him. "went to the cahuenga car wash. bring money." oh, boy. it's all i need. i'd better sneak over the back fence. [water running] hey, harry! do you see what i see? it's a horse! what's a horse doin' here? who knows? if some nut wants his horse washed, we'll wash it. think we should? we're not thinkers, we're washers. yeah. i'll take the front end, harry.

[car engine whirring] ok, ed! come on home. you got your laugh. hey! what's going on here? what does it look like, mr. burke? we're washing a horse! what's this horse doin' here? what is this? a publicity gag? i'm sorry, sir. my horse ran away. he ran-- you fellows get back to work. there's some more cars coming in back there. and as for you, mister... wait a minute. hey, this could be good for a lot of publicity. what a picture for the papers! uh, hold him here, will you? i want to go get my camera. come on.

well, i'm wiping ed down. carol, if you're sensible-- i--i've kept your room back home for you just the way you left it. oh! but, daddy... well, ed, what more could you possibly do to me? [gasping] it's just a short contract, mr. higgins. uh, you won't find any technical difficulties. i'm sure. i'm an architect, you know, and i do know something about lands. so if there's anything in the contract you want me to explain... please. we left the house to get away from you. i don't want you to think i'm rushing you, mr. higgins. but we do have other clients interested in this deal. [phone ringing]

my partner was to call me at 4:00 sharp on some important matter. uh, may i? certainly. uh, there's an extension in the barn. help yourself. oh, thank you. sure thing. [tittering] sure thing. bill? yeah, everything's coming along just fine. no, he doesn't know anything about rerouting the freeway. no, he doesn't know about the city putting a garbage dump out there. stop worrying. the way this deal's going, i'll have everything wrapped up in 10 minutes. don't like alligators, huh? sorry about the interruption, mr. higgins. that was another client interested in the same deal. but you've got first call. well, this contract looks fine. yes. looks like we've got a deal. may i use your pen, please? yes, sir. just a minute.

about the new freeway being diverted away from this property? free-- freeway? well, i was wondering how far you'd go before you brought that up. well, actually, i don't think the rerouting of the freeway makes much difference. but if it bothers you, mr. higgins, perhaps we can make some adjustment in the price. hmm. [inaudible] and while you're adjusting the price, what about the new dump the city is putting next to this property? dump? well, actually, that's just a rumor. the city council hasn't voted on it yet. but like i say, mr. higgins, perhaps an adjustment in the price? [inaudible] and how about some carrots? (both) carrots? uh, he knows what i mean. no, i don't! i don't know anything about any carrot situation. well, it's pretty bad. pretty bad. freeway! city dump!

uh, no, mr. higgins. it's lucky for me my son-in-law checked on you. good day, mr. carmichael! good day, mr. carmichael! wilbur, i owe you an apology. you're a pretty smart fellow. hey, where'd you get all that information? straight from the horse's mouth, dad.

you both have a perfect driving record. >>perfect. no tickets. no accidents... >>that is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. >>yup... now, you would think your insurance company would cut you some slack, right? >>no. your insurance rates go through the roof. your perfect record doesn't get you anything. >>anything. perfect! for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident.

our claim centers are available to assist you 24/7. for a free quote, call liberty mutual at switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509 call today at see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. mmm! well, what's all that for? for winning daddy over. know what he told me just before he left? that i was a kook? no. that he's glad i married you. that's one thing i like about your father: when he's wrong, he's the first one to deny it. oh! i'll call you when dinner's ready. ok.

ed, you haven't stopped eating all day. what happened to your diet? i thought you wanted to lose 40 pounds for chiquita. i gave her up. you did? how come? if she wants a long, skinny horse, let her get a giraffe. you know, you're the kook. hehehehehehehehehehehehello. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed -oh, roger, she's just beautiful. -thank you, carol. every inch a champion and worth her weight in gold. oh, addison, i still can't believe we own a race horse. roger, am i seeing things? you bought a horse? please. this magnificent animal is not just a horse. oh, i'm sorry. with those four legs and that tail, she sure had me fooled. well, lady linda happens to be a first-class racing thoroughbred.