i don't know. he's still mad on account of i had to blow my balloon up while he was snoring. boy. hey, look at that. wow, what is it? it's a reindeer. i wanted one of those all my life. careful, it may be alive. don't you know anything, tommy? what we got here is the front, half of the reindeer. you're supposed to use them indoors. what for? to hang things on. help me put it in my wagon. i'm gonna take it home to good ol' mom. dennis: i'm home. don't slam it-- mr. mitchell: here is the fastest slammer in the west. guess what i got, mom? well, you've got a dirty face for one thing. what else? a surprise for you. close your eyes. you, too, dad. i'll be right back. i wonder what it can be.

i hope he didn't get it out of the wilson's garden. one thing i can count on, it'll have a broken stem. well, you can always throw it away. not on your life. close your eyes and don't open them till i tell you. all right. okay. [music] bye, dennis. bye, tommy. it's right in front of you, mom. can i smell it? do you want to? of course, i do. okay. bend over. now smell.

of course not. open your eyes. don't be scared, mom. it's not alive. where did you get that? in somebody's trash box. i figured we could put it up in the dining room. oh, dennis. i bet you never thought you'd have one of these, did you? no. would you rather put it up in your bedroom? what do you say, mom? dennis, you shouldn't bring things like this home. it was a tough job, but i wanted to. you know why? 'cause you're the best mom in the whole world. oh, thank you, dennis. where are we gonna put it, mom? well-- hey, dennis, the wilson's just drove up out front. uh-oh. what's he, your lookout?

uh, just a minute young man. it's for mom, dad. she's been trying to get me to do it all day. dennis, you have to tell mr. wilson sooner or later and you might as well do it right now. can we call him on the phone? come on, dennis. [music] hello, henry. how are you? fine, thank you, mrs. wilson. how are you? i'm fine, too. hey, mr. wilson, you're wearing a smokey the bear hat, aren't you? uh, dennis. smokey the bear. oh, dennis, it's good to see you. it's good to see you, too, mr. wilson. i missed you. dennis has something to tell you, mr. wilson. oh? go ahead, dennis. well, the day after you left on your trip, there was this swell little kid who was playing baseball. a swell little kid named dennis. uh-huh. i hit a homerun.

right through your kitchen window. oh? oh. well, i mean, boys will be boys. i mean, after all, what's a broken window? well, that isn't all, mr. wilson. go ahead, dennis. well, the ball sort of bounced across the kitchen and turned on the water faucet. well, so we lost a little water down the drain. i mean, boys will be-- you didn't lose it down the drain, mr. wilson. the baseball ended up in the sink, acting as a drain plug. so you lost all your water on the floor. oh my goodness. i looked in through the window and saw what was happening, so i called mom and dad. oh well, how could you look in the window? i climbed up on the trellis, dad's already fixed it. oh? oh, then what happened? well, alice and i came over and cleaned up the mess. it didn't hurt anything. oh, thank you, henry. of course, i had to jimmy the back door open to get in. oh, you did?

of course, i fixed it later and the window, too. well--well, then everything's all right. i guess boys will be boys. well, that's not quite all, mr. wilson. oh? yesterday, dennis played baseball again. a homerun? i'm a regular willie mays. same window. oh my lands. but it didn't hit the water faucet.

what are you laughing about, mr. wilson? oh, that's a very funny story. i'm happy you can see it that way, mr. wilson. oh, mitchell, you know, i've been an old grouch in the past, but that's all over. from now on, dennis and i are gonna be good friends. really, mr. wilson?

it's gonna be right over in the park. dennis. well, by golly, i just might do that. wow, that would be swell. mr. wilson, i hope you don't mind my commenting, but you're a changed man. i really think he is, henry. well, i know i am. i mean, how could i be otherwise? i've been communing with nature. i've slept beside a babbling brook under the stars. i've listened to nature's creatures calling to me in the night. did mrs. wilson want a drink of water? mrs. wilson? no, i--dennis, i was referring to the animals and the birds. one night, i heard an owl hooting. [hooting] boy, you sure sound like one. do it again. all righty. [hooting] and at that moment, all the primitive instincts of my ancestors came back to me. oh, what did you do?

picked up my flashlight and went looking for him. boy, you're just like daniel boone, mr. wilson. did you find him? well, no. now martha, that wasn't funny. oh yes, it was. fine. he was walking along, shining his light up into the trees, and he walked right into the brook. that's 'cause you didn't wanna leave a trail, huh, mr. wilson? dennis, you're a good friend. you know, you ought to go camping sometime. boy, that would be swell. can i help you bring in the rest of your gear? well, sure. come on. dad, can i sleep out in the backyard tonight? dennis, i don't have a tent. oh, don't be a killjoy, mitchell. he could borrow our camping equipment. swell. oh, that's very generous of you. say, can i get tommy to sleep out with me?

i'll envy you, dennis, being out there under the stars. you know, mitchell, that's the only trouble being home. i'll miss the sound of the wild creatures calling in the night. can i wear your smokey the bear hat, mr. wilson? why, of course you can, dennis. now i'm gonna go see if tommy can come. oh, he's a wonderful kid. [ringing] hello? oh, hi ted. uh, henry, i was wondering if you and alice would like to come over tonight. we'll, um, play a little bridge? you sure you wanna play bridge or you got another one of those crazy sound effect records you want to show off? well, we might play a little bridge. henry, wait till you hear this one. it's the greatest. it's a train wreck from the actual soundtrack of a motion picture.

well, how about it? can you come over? well, i don't think we better tonight, ted. uh, dennis is sleeping out in the backyard, and we've got to keep an eye on him. well, look, you could watch him just as easily from over here as you can from there. uh, look right over the fence. well, i suppose we could keep an eye on him just as easily over there. any objections, honey? no, i guess not. okay. fine, ted. about 8:00? and--and ted, i do wanna play some bridge tonight. okay. bye. so do i. last saturday evening, we did nothing but listen to that crazy wild animal record of his. don't blame him, honey. he's only had that hi-fi a couple of weeks. dennis: i'm home. alice: in here, dennis. tommy can camp out with me. he'll be here in a few minutes. good. hey, you better take that hat off so you can see where you're going, young man. that's too big for you. no it isn't. it's perfect. here. tommy wishes he had one. let me put a little paper in it and try it. i don't need it. well, just try it, huh?

yeah. hey, mom, how come you haven't put up the reindeer? oh, that isn't a reindeer, dennis. it's a moose. and i have a wonderful idea of where to put it. where? why don't we put it out in the backyard and then you can pretend you're right out in the wilderness tonight? wow. and the tent can be your teepee. you mean, like we're indians? like real indian braves. you know what she is, dad? she's the best squaw in the whole world. she is on my totem pole, too. well, here i am. what do you got blankets for? we got sleeping bags. i know it. but my mom is afraid i'll catch cold. i even got to wear my underwear under my pajamas. boy, i'm glad my mom isn't like that. what are those for? for you.

oh, mom. hon, do you know where the hot water bottle is? holy baloney.

sheer ambrosia. hey, mr. wilson, you did "shave and a haircut six bits." i most certainly did, dennis. do it again, mr. wilson. all right. henry: dennis, that will be enough knocking. oh, mr. wilson, how are you? i'm sorry, mitchell, sheer animal spirit. that's quite all right. come on in. oh, no thanks. i just dropped by to tell dennis the good news.

dennis, what would be the best possible news you could hear in the whole world? that i'm getting that two-wheeler. are you getting me one? henry: oh, dennis. well, no, no. it's not that. maybe this wish is second best. you see these two circus tickets? well, we're going to the circus. oh, boy. i think you boys will be pretty comfortable out here. sure, we will. oh. honey. oh, henry, that moose head looked so real, it startled me. thank you. oh, you did a wonderful job of hanging him out here for the boys. come on, dennis. dennis: i'm filling the hot water bottle. honey, do you really think he needs it? it's pretty warm out tonight. oh, he wants it. are you sure? he said so. well, here i am. oh, hold on. i wanna see if it's hot enough. it's hot enough. i don't know. i'd have made it hotter than that, but i guess it's all right.

all right. now, if you fellows want anything, you just sing out. we'll be right behind the fence at the milton's. we won't want anything. will we, tommy? nah. well, good night boys. good night, mom. good night. good night, men. night. you're gonna have a wonderful time. hey, dennis, what are we gonna do if we get thirsty? hot root beer. wow. [music] the kids are fine, they're talking up a storm. i hope they get some sleep tonight. oh, relax, honey. it's only quarter to nine. you know, martha, those old sleepless nights are gone forever, not even 9:00.

now what are you going to do? i think i'll give dennis and tommy a thrill and do my owl imitation. [hooting] oh, come to bed, george. wait a minute, martha. you know, i bet they think that's a real owl. [hooting] you know what that was, tommy? that was mr. wilson doing his owl imitation. he's pretty good at it. yeah, that's because he heard owls and things all the time when he's out camping. animals too? sure, all kinds of them. i bet he was scared. mr. wilson? heck, no. he said they calmed his nerves. now that he's back, he's gonna miss them. [train whistles] what was that?

he was gonna play a train record for mom and dad. [train whistles] george? huh? do you hear that train? yes, it's unusually loud tonight. or else they're using that old spur track over in the park. they must be. it sounds as if it was right next door. must be some rare atmospheric condition. martha, i know why they're using the spur. that must be the circus train arriving in the park. good heaven. that sounded like a head-on collision. boy, did you ever hear anything more realistic? i should say not.

now, can we play another rubber? boy, that train wreck sure sounded swell. well, how did you hear it? you got the speaker in the patio turned on. for heaven's sakes, ted, i hope you didn't wake anybody up. oh, don't be silly. who'd be sleeping at this time? it's barely 9:00. how about playing your wild animal record, so ill be like we're camping out in the jungle? all right, dennis. and i'll bet your folks would enjoy hearing that one again too. oh, we'd love it. we can play bridge later. come on, tommy, let's get back to camp. [lion roaring] martha. that was a lion. great scott, that was the circus train and the lions are loose. [elephants trumpet] and the elephants are loose too. dennis and tommy are out in the yard.

you can't go out there. i've got to, martha. those boys are in danger. i'll do what i can with my log sword. you call the police. oh, good heavens, he forgot his glasses. sure is swell being out here in the wilderness. yeah. dennis? what are you doing, mr. wilson? i'm going to save you from the lions. boys, get back in your tent. mr. wilson must be playing he's out in the wilderness too. and please hurry,

hey, mr. wilson, here comes a fierce tiger. i hope martha phoned for help. george, i brought you your glasses. steady, martha. are you all right? yes, so far. i haven't met any of the lions yet,

oh. you boys all right? we're pretty scared. well, you stay where you are. now, there might be a lion behind any bush, martha, so you stay right close to me. here are your glasses, george. you come out to play too, mrs. wilson? dennis, go back inside. don't you understand the danger? didn't you hear the animal roars? sure, i heard them. that's because mr. milton had the speaker in his patio turned on. what? sure. they were on a record he was playing on his new hi-fi. nonsense. what about that moose i decapitated? he wasn't playing that on his hi-fi. george, will you please put on your glasses. well, i will.

oh, no. martha, not a word of this to anybody. [siren] oh, lord, i feel so humiliated. now, george, you were only doing what you thought was right. it was a very brave thing to do, mr. wilson. oh. sure it was. you thought there were lions out there. have the police left? yes, dear. the reporters? yes, dear. and that police psychiatrist? yes, dear. you know what i heard him say, mr. wilson? he said you're as nutty as a fruitcake. when did he say that? right after i told him you do swell owl imitations

and to think i dumped out all my nerve medicine. oh, martha, take me home and put me to bed. of course. dennis: hey, mr. wilson, what time are we going to the circus tomorrow? oh, that-- [applause] [music] alice. what's this bill from detwiler's department store? what does it say? i don't know. i can't read it. they always manage to get the amount clearly enough, but what you're paying for is a mystery.

to keep husbands from knowing what their wives buy. let me see. it says one dozen golf balls. honey, that television set's got to be fixed. i don't play golf. i know, honey. that television-- dennis doesn't play golf. honey, i know. i wonder who around here could have bought one dozen golf balls. well, i could tell you, but my mother always said, son, never talk with your mouth full of crow. your mother is a very wise woman. seriously, though, honey, the bills this month are just fierce. doctor, dentist, lights, water. there's even a two month bill here from the quigley grocery store. how did that happen? last month's bill got jammed in the back of the drawer and i overlooked it. i'm afraid there's something else you don't even know about yet. what's that?

honey, i'm just sick about it. here in the house? well, i remember putting it up on the sink last night when i started to do the dinner dishes, and it must have gone down the drain. well, i'm not paying a plumber to come and get it out. i'll borrow a wrench from mr. wilson and check the drain myself. i'm home. hey, dad, the mailman left a letter for you. if it's another bill, i'll shoot myself. shoot yourself? he's only fooling, tommy. dennis, have you seen my engagement ring? i've lost it somewhere. no, mom. i haven't seen it. now, this is what i've been looking for. "harassed by creditors? "haunted by overdue bills? "borrow in confidence from the sincere loan company." i'm gonna put this right up here where i can find it easily. speaking of finding, i think i'll go upstairs and look for my ring. honey, while you're up there, you might as well change your clothes. we'll be heading for downtown pretty quick. do you need money, dad?

but i thought we were rich. i always felt rich. well, in the way you mean it, son, we are. see? but not where money is concerned. there we're a long, long way from being rich. i knew it. that's why i have to work my fingers to the bone. if i didn't, we'd lose the house. you mean like mom lost her ring? no. you see, dennis, the bank owns the house and if i don't keep up the payments, they'll take it away from us. jeepers. the same thing is true with the car. how about the tv set? well, the store could take that. we make payments to them even though it only works about half the time. you're a very important member of this family, and, well, you can help me by not wasting food and turning out lights when you leave the room. things like that. i'm gonna help you all i can, dad. and from now on, if mom puts it on my plate, i'm even gonna eat liver.

while mom and dad are downtown, tommy? we're gonna make some money for good old dad by selling bottles. you're gonna give the money to your dad? i'd keep it. that's 'cause you're just a little kid. i'm a very important member of this family and dad needs my help. we're so poor, we're right down to our bones. jeepers, only two? let's look in the refrigerator. they're all full. the bottles aren't worth anything full. that's all you know. i'm gonna start up a root beer stand. i'm gonna make so much money that i'll probably take dad downtown and buy him a new car. how much you gonna charge for a root beer? a penny for all you can drink. you won't make much money that way. tommy, you just don't understand business.

delicious root beer for sale! root beer! hey! hello, tommy. hi, mrs. elkins. you wanna buy some root beer? he's earning money to help his dad. i'm sure mr. mitchell doesn't need dennis's help. sure, he does. he told me so. dennis is helping pay off the tv set so the store won't take it back. oh, tommy. how much is your root beer? a penny for all you can drink. you won't make very much money that way. yes, he will. you don't know dennis. how much do you think i can drink? about that much. that's all i'll give. well, all right. i think that's about a nickel's worth.

here you are. thank you. you know, tommy, i don't see why dad's having such a tough time. it's easy to make money. hi, i'm leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind and gave my father a second chance at life. daddy is invincible. that's how we want to think about our parents. knowing that dad lives alone, we worry. that's why was so hard for all of us when he had his heart attack. i wasn't feeling well that day. the heart attack hit me, i fell to the floor, and i was trying to crawl back to the bed. of course in excruciating pain. i'm alive today because of philips lifeline. philips lifeline is the number one medical alert service in the u.s. today.

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take care of my self. innovation and you. with philips lifeline medical alert service you get fast, easy access to help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. call today or visit www.philipslifeline.com don't wait! i mean why don't take the chance call philips lifeline now! of finishing your car before 5:00. 5:00? henry, and we have a dozen errands to run. well, i'll tell you, my son brought his car in for a lube job. you could use that this afternoon. say, we'd sure appreciate it. well, there she is. oh, i'm afraid we couldn't. what time did you say your hair appointment was, honey? that's what i was saying. i'm afraid we couldn't possibly make my hair appointment unless we used your car. you're welcome to it. the keys are in the dash. thanks a lot. be it ever so humble, there's no place like transportation. just in case we see anybody we know,

[cloth rips] doggone it. i tore my jacket. oh, well, that coat was ready for the salvation army anyhow. say, mr. mitchell. you may hot have noticed that sharp place on the door when you got in. watch it or you could tear your clothes. thanks a lot. i'll watch it. there we are. there are your peaches, mrs. burns. all right. hi, mr. quigley. mrs. burns. oh, hello, dennis. tommy. keep away from the bananas, dennis. you always say that to me, don't you, mr. quigley? i sure do. is that on account of the time i unzipped 'em for you? that's right. i was out back in the storeroom. couldn't have been gone more than two minutes. when i came back, he'd taken the skins off about 60 bananas. i thought they'd sell faster.

now, dennis, don't bother me while i'm waiting on mrs. burns. okay. anything else, mrs. burns? no. oh, yes. a dozen eggs and you can just put all these things on my account, mr. quigley. a dozen eggs. dennis, if you'll carry this bag to my care for me, i'll give you a nickel. i don't think i'd do that, mrs. burns. why not? with dennis, something always goes wrong. oh, nonsense. dennis, you want to earn that nickel? sure, i do. my dad needs the money so they won't take our tv set away from us. they could even lose their house and car. what? oh. come on, dennis. i'm in a hurry. yes, mrs. burns. i told you. whoops. it's your own fault. you shouldn't have put the eggs on top. i think some of them got broke a little. there's some yellow coming out.

and carry your bag out myself. good-bye, boys. good-bye, mrs. burns. don't touch anything. i guess he didn't mean these eggs, tommy. let's pick 'em up for him. hand 'em to me, tommy. you might drop 'em. careful. careful now. well, boys. we meet again. what are you doing with those eggs? we picked them up for mr. quigley. they got dropped 'cause he put 'em on top. mr. quigley's carrying mrs. burns package out for her. i wanted the job, but he got it. she's paying a nickel. things must be a little slow for mr. quigley. i think he's broke like my dad. oh, dennis. how's your mother? not so good. she lost her engagement ring. oh, what a shame.

dennis, what are you doing with those eggs? i'm holding them for you. hold still. you might drop 'em. mr. quigley, don't get so excited. i always get excited when he comes in. when i was a young man, i drove a nitroglycerin truck in the texas oil fields and i was cool as a cucumber, but five minutes of dennis and i'm a total wreck. now, what was it you wanted, dennis? i got six pop bottles in my wagon and i wanna turn 'em in to get 12 cents to give to my dad 'cause he needs the money. all right. all right. i'll give you your 12 cents and get you out of here. oh, for pete's sake. hey, mr. quigley, you busted a couple of eggs. yeah, i know. did you see that, tommy? mr. quigley was putting those bottles on the counter and he busted a couple eggs. i guess he didn't see 'em. didn't you see those eggs, mr. quigley? you put 'em there.

and buy a nitroglycerin truck. here. here's your money. now run on home. for two cents? for two cents. well? what are you waiting for? i'm trying to make up my mind about buying your store. see what i mean? he drives me out of my mind. you boys better run along home now. okay. bye, mr. quigley. good-bye. good-bye. bye, mrs. elkins. good-bye. i'll be back later if i can find some more bottles to sell you. my dad needs all the money i can get. bye.

otottle of cider vinegar, quigley. oh, i'll get it, mrs. elkins. i wonder what all that talk was about his father needing money. i don't know. dennis said something about repossessing the tv set. that's hard to believe. and the other boy mentioned the bank

the mitchells? say, come to think of it, they haven't paid their last month's bill. if they don't pay it pretty soon, i'll have to cut off their credit. you just never know, do you? charge it. all right, mrs. elkins. bye. bye. [telephone rings] hello? oh, yes. mrs. elkins. i wondered if you heard about the trouble the mitchells are in. well, let me tell you. they're driving an old wreck because the bank has repossessed their car

and little dennis is out selling bottles so they won't lose their tv set. why, you've never seen such a brave little boy in your life. why, i just can't believe it. well, that isn't all. mrs. mitchell has lost her engagement ring. she's probably pawned it. well, i'm just gonna have to go over there and see for myself. i've always thought of them as one of the pillars of the community. what do you think? well, i don't know, mr. mitchell. i think i'd better take it back to the store. it's too big a job to do here. okay, if you have to. honey, i'm going next door and borrow that pipe wrench from mr. wilson. all right, dear. when will we get it back? not for a couple of days anyway. don't get up, mrs. mitchell. i can make it all right. well, bring it back as fast as you can.

you're taking their tv set back to the store? yes, ma'am. had to do it. oh, what a shame. yeah. little boy's gonna miss it. oh, mrs. holland. i just happened to be in the neighborhood and i thought i'd drop by and say hello. i'm so glad you did. won't you come in? henry will be right back. he just went next door to the wilsons to borrow something. i hope i haven't come at a bad time. oh, not at all. i was just mending henry's old coat here. we're going to give it to the salvation army. of course. could i get you something cold to drink? why, thank you. yes. you come right in and sit down.

we're going to have to speak to dennis. there isn't a cold drink in this house. i just bought six bottles yesterday. yes, sir. that boy's gonna have to have a little talking to. well, come on in and say hello to mrs. holland. she just stopped by for a minute. it's so nice of you to drop by, mrs. holland. well, i'm glad i caught you home. you'll have to pardon the way i look. i was just about to do a little plumbing job. of cououe.

but a penny saved is a penny earned. believe me, i understand. why don't we all sit down. i'm sorry i can't give you that cold drink i offered you, but our cupboard seems to be bare. oh, my dear, don't give it another thought. mr. mitchell, may i ask you a question? certainly. well, let us say that a young couple with a little boy are in financial difficulty. now, do you think that they should forget their pride and accept charity from their friends and neighbors? it would seem to me that that would depend on the actual circumstances of this hypothetical couple. dennis: we're home! in here, dennis. this is not a hypothetical couple, mr. mitchell. their little boy just entered this room. hey, dad, have i got a surprise for you. not now, dennis.

dennis, not now. are you sure of your facts, mrs. holland? we know, mrs. mitchell. in spite of their putting up a very brave front, we know. well, in that case, i'm sure every member of the family would be grateful for any help that's given. you mean you wouldn't mind if we brought a few things here during the next few days? we'd be happy to volunteer our house as a collection center. oh, thank you, mr. mitchell. that was very delicately put. now, if you'll excuse me, i must go mobilize the neighborhood. mom, can i have something to eat? i'm starving. oh, that boy. he's always hungry. oh, i'll hurry just as fast as i can. i think this is a wonderful thing you're doing. in this town, we always take care of our own, mrs. mitchell.

good-bye, mrs. holland. good-bye. hey, what's going on here? not now, dear. tommy, i just remembered your mother called and she wants you to come right home. okay, mrs. mitchell. bye, dennis. bye, tommy. poor little tyke. i'm amazed. i was talking with mrs. anderson only yesterday and she seemed so cheerful. honey, mrs. holland isn't one to jump to conclusions. hey, dad, guess what i got for you. 36 cents. i've been selling root beer and empty bottles. so that's what happened to the root beer. well, father, do your duty. [clears throat] i did it for you 'cause i knew you needed the money. oh. don't you lay a hand on that child.

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it's awfully nice of you to give up your sunday afternoon to bring these things over. i'm glad to do it, mrs. mitchell. my, the neighborhood certainly has been generous. yes, they certainly have. is mr. mitchell home? no, he's over at the club playing golf. that seems a little peculiar. he always plays golf on sunday. dennis usually tags along. well, i'm glad circumstances haven't forced him to change his routine. good afternoon. good afternoon. well, i wonder what's the matter with him. dennis: we're home. in here. hi.

i found my ring in the clothes hamper. what happened to your eye? it's black and blue. it's the best one i ever saw. let me see. [gasps] henry, how did it happen? tommy's dad did it in the clubhouse. mr. anderson was out playing golf while his family's going hungry? i was just about to walk up and tell him off when he walked up to me. what did he say? he said, mitchell, don't you think a man ought to provide for his family before he plays golf. i said, i certainly do, anderson. boy, dad and tommy's dad were looking at each other so fierce they were practically touching noses. and then he said to me, mitchell, don't you think that a man who plays golf under these circumstances is taking advantage of his friends and neighbors? i said, frankly, anderson, i think a man like that's a parasite. then he said to me, well, what do you think ought to happen to a man like that? and i said, i think someone ought to punch him in the eye.

gee, was i? i didn't even know what you were talking about. i was just about to haul off and sock him when he hit me in the eye. no! i was gonna hit him back, but the fellas held us apart. [doorbell rings] boy, everybody was so mad at mr. anderson that they started slapping him on the back and making him smoke cigars. hello, mrs. holland. i heard about your eye, and i must say, you deserved it. what? out at the club playing golf. what's the matter with that? you were playing golf while your neighbors were feeding and clothing your family. i'll tell you what i think. i think you're pretty contemptible. henry: but mrs. holland... honey, she seems to think we're the needy family. where would she get an idea like that? from me. i told her what you said

i've been telling everybody. that's terrible. no, it isn't. remember when you were in the shower room putting the cold towel on your eye? henry: yes. i took up a collection for us in the lockerroom. but they made me promise

starring barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont, tony dow, and jerry mathers as the beaver. (door opens) attention people with hearing loss. what i'm about to tell you could change your life. does your hearing loss have you feeling left out? are you finding it harder to hear the tv or telephone?

if left untreated, your hearing loss can get significantly worse. a recent johns hopkins study showed that hearing loss can lead to more serious issues, including dementia. it's time to call hearusa and get a complete hearing checkup -absolutely free. and, aarp members receive expert advice and can purchase digital hearing aids as low as $795 each. i sure wish i hadn't waited so long. i hear so clearly now. i'm back to myself again. if you call hearusa now you'll even get a risk-free 90-day trial,backed by a 100% satisfaction guarantee. don't wait another minute call this toll-free number and start improving your hearing and your life today. hello. i'm jerry mathers. i was the beaver in "leave it to beaver." a few years later, i was a type 2 diabetic. but i'm not anymore. diabetes causes neuropathy, blindness, and amputation.

today i want you to have a look at an amazing breakthrough that has stopped diabetes in its tracks for over 200,000 people just like you and me. now you can do the same thing, because it's all spelled out in a very special system called the diabetes solution kit. i urge you to try this all-natural, done-for-you program so you can finally live independent of drugs and insulin shots. i'm jerry mathers, and if i can do it, you can do it, too. - hi mom. - hi there beaver, you're home a little bit late. - larry and i stopped off at the drug store

(audience laughs) - why doesn't his sister buy her own cream? - she doesn't want the drug store to know she's got things on her face. (audience laughs) (bag crinkles) - what are you doing? - putting some cheese in here. - what for? - so my mouse won't get hungry. - beaver! have you got a live mouse in there? - sure mom, i wouldn't be feeding a dead mouse. - well you can't keep a mouse here. beaver, a mouse is not a clean animal. - well, this one will be cause when larry comes over we're gonna give him a bath. (audience laughs) - [wally] hi ma. (door slams) hi beav. - hi wally. - you wanna see my mouse? - now look, you're not gonna keep that mouse so don't get your heart set on it. - oh, he sure is little. - yeah, you think maybe instead of being a mouse he's a baby rat? - nah, rats have rattier looking tails. - look, you boys put that animal out in the garage until your father comes home and

- okay, mom. - ward, it is not all right for the beaver to have a mouse. i just don't want it around here. - but dear, bringing a mouse home is just part of boyhood. - but a mouse, ooh. - all right, dear. - hey wally, how do you give a mouse a bath? - boy beaver, you sure come up with some goofy questions. - i think i'll have larry hold him while i scrub him with your toothbrush. (audience laughs) - look, if you're gonna scrub a mouse, use your own toothbrush. (audience laughs) what are you gonna do if dad says you can't keep the mouse? - give him to larry and go and visit him. (audience laughs) - well hi fellas. - hi dad. - hi dad. hey, when does beaver have to get rid of the mouse? - wally, why don't you go brush your teeth while i talk to the beaver? - oh, well, okay dad. - gee dad, can't i keep the mouse? (clears throat)

was ever meant to be a, you know, to be a pet. you see beaver, your mother and i wouldn't have objected too much if you'd brought home a regular pet. - gee, no fooling dad? (audience laughs) - i thought i told you to brush your teeth. - well, i am. (audience laughs) - look beaver, your mother and i just want you to be very sure before you select a pet. and then it has to be something sensible. - yeah dad, i guess so. - fine, now then, what are we gonna do with the mouse? - maybe i should take him back to the drug store and let him go. - um, no, beaver, i'm afraid the druggist wouldn't appreciate that. - hey beav, on the way home from school tomorrow, why don't you take the mouse over to the dump and let him loose there? any mouse would be happy running around in all that garbage. (audience laughs) - well, goodnight fellas. - goodnight dad. - night dad. - mom, hey ma!

- well, gee mom, what are you doing down there? - well i'm just lying down. - well are you sick or something? you never saw a mom lying down in the daytime before. (audience laughs) - wally, i'm just resting. look, i know it's against the rules but don't tell anybody, hmm? (audience laughs) did you see your brother on the way home? - yeah, he and larry let the mouse loose over at metzger's field. then they're going to the supermarket on account of their giving away free samples. - oh, why didn't you go with them? - well heck mom, that's kid stuff. and anyway, i told the beaver to bring me some if it was any good. (audience laughs) (engines rumbling) - hey larry, what's this free junk the lady gave us? - it's deviled ham on a cracker. - what's deviled ham? - well, you know what a deviled egg is? - no. - then i can't explain it to you. just eat it, it won't make you sick or anything. (audience laughs) - i'm taking three of 'em home to my brother.

- in my pocket. - yeah, that way you won't get germs on 'em. (audience laughs) - [beaver] hey, let's go see if there's any good junk for sale today. - boy, neat, there's a garage for rent. i'd like to rent a garage. (audience laughs) - good home wanted for full grown monkey. free, cage included, owners leaving town! and it gives a phone number and everything. - golly, a whole free monkey for nothing! hey, i'll get it beav and you can come over and visit it all you want. - well, i read it first. - yeah, but i was gonna read it in a minute. - would your pa let you have a monkey? - nah, i don't think so. man, if he ever came home from a business trip and he found a monkey in the house, whoo would he blow his top.

- yeah, he raises enough heck when i just have a friend over. (audience laughs) would your father let you have a monkey? - sure, he said i could have any pet i wanted as long as it was sensible. - yeah, a monkey sure is a sensible pet. (audience laughs) (phone rings) - hello. yeah, this is mr. cleaver. uh-huh. my son what? (audience laughs) a monkey? well, yes i did tell him he could have a pet but i... (laughs) yes, i imagine theodore was very enthusiastic. say, could i have your phone number and call you back? uh-huh, yes, all right, well thank you very much.

- oh, nothing unusual. seems our son is on his way home with a monkey. - a live monkey? - live monkey. he saw a notice on the bulletin board down at the market and went over and picked it up. that was the owner calling. - ward, we can't have a monkey here. why didn't you tell him then? - well dear, we did tell beaver he could have a pet and you were the one who dispossessed his mouse. (audience laughs) - oh yes, ward, but, a monkey! - well june, try and look at it from beaver's point of view. just imagine the appeal a monkey has for a child. didn't you want one when you were a little girl? - well i may have been peculiar, but i didn't. (audience laughs) - well dear, we took his mouse away from him. we can't take his monkey away from him. at least not until we find a way out. (audience laughs) - ward, i am not having a monkey in this house. - all right. but when he comes home with his monkey in his arms, you look into his happy little face and tell him he has to take it back to its owner.

after all, you're his father. - well right now i don't want to think like a father. i want to think like a kid. - oh, honey, i just can't imagine a little monkey running around the house. - well it's not such a little monkey, dear. the man says it weighs 20 pounds. (audience laughs) - 20 pounds? - 20 pounds. - oh, i'm gonna go start my dinner. - now dear, the monkey's name is stanley. (audience laughs) - boy wally, this is the neatest pet a guy ever had. - yeah, he's almost as big as little benji from across the street. - well he's smarter too. the man said he used to be a circus monkey, but he didn't want to sell him because he wanted him to have a good home. - i think dad likes him, but i don't know about mom. - i guess that's cause monkeys are more like men than they are like women. (audience laughs) - well, i'm gonna put him away. (cage rattles)

- swell, dad. - he's the best pet i ever had. - he's the biggest one, too. - mom, don't clean the room or anything because the man says that if you leave the windows open, monkeys can't stand drafts. - yeah, and when you feed him, don't feed him steaks and potatoes and junk like that. - oh, now beaver, feeding him's gonna be your job. - you sure he can't get out of that cage? - oh i think he's very happy there, dear. it's been his home for a long time. - beaver, you really like stanley, don't you? - sure mom, he's almost as neat as having a baby brother. (audience laughs) - well, you take good care of him dear. (audience laughs) (door slams) - hey beaver, i just thought of something funny. - what? - well if we ever got another monkey, we could call him livingston. - why would we do that? - well, then we'd have stanley and livingston. (audience laughs) well gee, beaver, didn't you ever study about africa in school?

(audience laughs) - bye, dear. - bye, honey. what time are you coming home? - oh around five. - good, the girls will be gone by then. - what girls? - well, i'm having a little luncheon bridge today and i don't want you coming home early and making them feel uncomfortable. - don't worry about a thing, dear. if there are cars out front i'll climb in the bedroom window. (audience laughs) - all right, honey, all right. (horn honks) - hey, that's beaver's bus. - beaver! your bus is here! - hey beaver, they're hollering for you. - i know. - so long, stanley. (horn honks) - bye, stanley, see you after school. (audience laughs) - i came into the room and she was wearing the same dress i was, only she had it on backwards. (laughing) - backwards?

(chatter, laughter) (yelling) (audience laughs) - oh, girls. (muttering) (audience laughs) (light rattles) (dishes clatter)

- yes, well you have our number in case you hear anything. all right, thank you. well, the animal shelter's gonna keep an eye out. how's beaver taking it? - he's pretty upset. ward, maybe i should've tried to catch stanley before he got away. - well, dear, it wasn't your fault. i should've made sure the cage door wasn't open. i'm just sorry about the mess here this afternoon. - oh, honey, i can forget the luncheon.

i sure hope stanley comes back. (thunder rumbles) (rain pounding) - wally? wally? - gee whiz, beaver, aren't you asleep yet? - huh-uh. - what do you want? - can cats beat up monkeys? - huh? - well, maybe stanley's hiding in a tree and cats can climb trees. - oh, aw heck beaver, in the jungle, monkeys beat up cats all the time. (audience laughs) - you sure, wally? - well sure, you learn about that when you start studying africa. (audience laughs)

- wally? - hmm? - can owls beat up monkeys? - no, now will you go to sleep? (thunder cracks) (knocks) dad, hey dad! mom? hey dad! - what's the matter wally, what's happened? - stanley's back. - oh, oh. oh, beaver, not my good towels. (audience laughs) oh, all right. - when did he get back? - about ten minutes ago. we woke up and heard scratching at the window. - hey look dad, he's shivering all over.

- see if he's got a fever, mom. - oh, i'm sure he's all right, beaver. - but feel his forehead like you do with me. (audience laughs) - well i'm afraid it's pneumonia. - is he gonna die? - well, you see son, this is a macaque monkey. he lives in the tropics. he doesn't belong in a climate like this. - yeah, but is he gonna die? - beaver. - well, it's hard to say, son. - is there an animal hospital we could put him in? - well right now, he's better off around here with people he knows. - well, sure, dad, like the time i had my tonsils out. i didn't want to be in the hospital

- well, thank you very much, doctor. - yes, sir. - i'll show you out, doctor. - thank you. (door slams) - hey, dear. - hi. - how's stanley? - he slept for four hours. - oh, the doctor said to keep him warm. he didn't kick the covers off, did he? - no honey, no he didn't. - you sure? - i'm positive. i sat with him most of the day. (audience laughs) (slurping) (doorbell rings) - hello mrs. cleaver. - hello there, larry. i'm afraid beaver can't play today.

- well, i didn't come over to play. i came over to ask how does stanley feel? - well, i'm afraid he's still pretty sick. - oh. mrs. cleaver? - [june] yes, larry? - would it be dumb to bring flowers to a monkey? - well of course not. and i think beaver would be very pleased. - yeah, well, here. - why thank you, larry. that was very thoughtful of you. i'll take them right upstairs. - oh, mrs. cleaver? tell beaver not to tell whitey or gilbert or any of the guys where they came from. - why, dear? - well, just in case it is dumb to bring flowers to a monkey. - all right, larry. bye. - [beaver] wally, you think he's ever gonna get better? - [wally] ah, sure.

- wally? how much would it cost to send a monkey to the tropics? you know, south america? - well, i guess it would depend on what kind of package you put him in. (audience laughs) why? - well, the veterinarian said this is the wrong kind of climate for stanley. - yeah, boy if i was a monkey, i'd sure be a lot happier in south america. - you know, wally, i made a promise to myself. if stanley ever gets better, i'm gonna find a way to send him to south america or some place like that. - yeah but, gee beaver, won't you miss him? - well sure, but i'd miss him a whole lot worse if he was dead. - dead? gee beaver, you shouldn't say junk like that. - well i wouldn't say it if i thought stanley knew what we were talking about. (audience laughs) (knocking) - hey mom, hey dad.

- what's the matter now, is stanley worse? - no, i think he's all better. - oh, june, stanley's better! (clears throat) - look dad, he feels fine now. (audience laughs) - hi, dear. - hi, how's our happy household? - fine, want some coffee? - yeah, a little. - stanley's just fine. you know he sat up in our room for an hour this afternoon watching television? - well, i think that medium has finally found its audience. (audience laughs) - very funny. dear? what are we gonna do about stanley? he's just too big for us to keep. - i know we can't keep him, but i'd sure like to wait a couple of days before we tell beaver.

it's just gonna break his heart if he has to give him up. - is he upstairs? - i think so. why don't you go up and kind of prepare him for it? - all right. - ward? you know, i'm gonna sort of miss stanley, too. - yeah, almost as neat as having a baby brother. (audience laughs) - hello? are you the man in charge of flying monkeys? well, my name is theodore cleaver, and my monkey's name is stanley, and i'd like to send him to south america. 80 whole dollars? (audience laughs) couldn't he go children's fare? he's not as big as i am. oh no, sir, i'm not playing a joke on ya. stanley's been sick, and i don't want him to get pneumonia again. yes sir, i'll see if someone big can call you, but i don't know. goodbye. - hi, beaver.

- i guess you think quite a lot of stanley, huh? - i sure do, but it costs 80 whole dollars to send him to south america, and i don't have it, and no kid should ask for 80 dollars. - well i'll tell you, beaver, maybe there's another way out of this. - gee dad, no foolin'? - yeah, you know we've got a pretty good zoo here in mayfield, remember when we were out there? and they had that big steam-heated monkey house? and a place for them to play outside in the summer? - you think they'd give a home to stanley? - well, we can sure call and find out. i think they'd like to have a smart fellow like stanley. - well, gee dad, that'd be real neat. and then i can go down to the zoo and tell all the people that will watch him, that was my monkey. - sure you could, beav. and he'd probably sit there with the rest of the monkeys and say there's the fellow who took care of me when i was sick. - gee dad, that'd be neat. well, but stanley doesn't have to do that if he doesn't want to. - well, knowing stanley as i do, i'm sure he'll want to.

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- oh hi beav. hey, where you been all afternoon? just horsing around? - huh-uh, me and larry went to visit stanley at the zoo. - oh yeah? hey, how was he? - oh great. he's got his own tree and he's got a tire to swing on and he still knows me. he started jumping up and down and talking to me right in front of all those people. - yeah, boy he oughta have a ball with all those other monkeys. - you know, wally, i'm gonna go visit stanley every day for the rest of my life. - you just say that now, but pretty soon you'll get in high school and college and, well, you just won't have time. - then i'll visit him every weekend. - yeah, but, after a while you'd get married and stuff and, well, you're not gonna find a wife that's

(audience laughs) - sure i will, and then someday i'll get a job and i'll be a bank president, and i'll be the only bank president in the whole world who's got a monkey for a friend. (audience laughs) - oh, cut it out, beaver. it just doesn't work that way. pretty soon, you'll forget all about stanley. he'll forget all about you and none of that junk will never happen. - i know, but right now it makes me feel good to think it will. (audience laughs)

- [voiceover] leave it to beaver. starring barbara billingsley. hugh beaumont. tony dow. and jerry mathers...

(upbeat music)

on doing my shopping this morning. oh, well if it's the only time you can come, then i'll wait for you. all right, thank you, goodbye. - who was on the phone, mom? - oh, that was the nursery, beaver. - no fooling, we're gonna have a baby brother? (audience laughter) - no beaver, this is the kind of nursery that brings plants and flowers. - oh, i thought it was the kind that brought baby brothers. (audience laughter) - i have to wait for mr. johnson to show him where to put the camellia bushes. i don't how i'm going to get to the market. - i'll go for you, mom. - hi, beav. - hi, dad. - oh, dear. - dear, i have to wait for mr. johnson. could you take my grocery list and go to the market? - well, i'd like to, dear, but don't you remember? i have a dentist appointment. - then you can't get my groceries? - well, i think the dentist appointment is more important. don't you, beaver? - sure, dad. if all your teeth fall out, you won't have anything to eat groceries with anyways. (audience laughter) - that's right, beaver.

oh, you have an empty milk bottle in your hand. - i know. (audience laughter) - i'll go for you, mom. - hi, mom. - oh, wally. wally, i wonder if you'd mind going to the supermarket for me. - well, i guess i could. i'm not hardly doing anything. - wally, you never use not and hardly together. either you're not doing anything, or you're hardly doing anything. - ohl, i wasn't sure, so i stuck them both in. - well, as long as you go to the market. - sure. i'll go get my jacket. - fine. - oh, um, hey mom. you got an empty milk bottle in your hand. (audience laughter) (june laughs) - oh beaver, you know both of you boys should watch your grammar. - gee mom, this is saturday. they make us watch it all day in school. (audience laughter) (knocking) - good morning, mrs. cleaver. - good morning, eddie. come on in. - good morning, theodore. - eddie, how come you're only polite

(audience laughter) - uh, mrs. cleaver, is wally ready? - ready? - yes, he and i had a date to go jumping this morning. (audience laughter) - jumping? - yes, at the trampoline place. it's very helpful, mrs. cleaver. it develops your coordination and timing. - and a lot of girls hang around there, too. (audience laughter) - hi, eddie. - hi, wally. - eddie tells me you two have a date. - oh gee, eddie, i forgot. i was just going to the market for mom. - well, that's all right. but i did break two previous engagements to go jumping with you. (audience laughter) - well, all right, wally, you can go ahead. i'll find some other way to get my groceries. - gee, thanks a lot, mom. - it's all right. - mrs. cleaver, you should try cater's market, like my mother does. they deliver. of course it's a little more expensive. (audience laughter) - thank you, eddie. (audience laughter)

- yes, mom? - do you think you could possibly go to the market for me? - sure, mom, i think i could possibly go. (audience laughter) (upbeat music) - hey, beav, just 'cause you gotta go shopping, how come i gotta go shopping with ya? - 'cause you're the only kid i know whose got a wagon. (audience laughter) - oh. - gee, larry, don't you like to go to market? - uh uh. - how come? - 'cause when i was a little kid, i used to knock things over in the market and my mom would hit me. (audience laughter) - hey, larry, look! there's a wallet! - aw, it's just a hunk of junk someone threw away. (audience laughter) - look, larry, it's stuffed with money! - boy! - there must be hundreds of dollars in there! has it got any name on it? - uh uh, it's just stuffed with money. - boy! it's lucky we found it!

well it's lucky i found it! you said it was a hunk of junk! - well, i meant the wallet was a hunk of junk. i didn't mean the money was a hunk of junk. come on, beav, let's go someplace and divvy it up. - we can't do that. we gotta find who it belongs to, 'cause that's what we're supposed to do. - yeah. you know, it's too bad we're not two guys from mars who don't know what you supposed to do, then we could spend the money on bicycles or something. (audience laughter) - too bad, but if we were two guys from mars, we wouldn't know how to ride bicycles. (audience laughter) - yeah. well, we better go tell our parents we found it. - yeah. - we better go to my house. it's closer. (audience laughter) - are you sure no one around the market saw them? two boys, beaver cleaver and larry mondello. oh, well if you should see them, would you ask them to call home? thank you, bye. - are you back from the dentist so soon? - yep, he took one look at my teeth, said i'd been a good boy and sent me home. (audience laughter)

your son didn't show up at the market. - wally? - beaver. he was going to pick up larry and then he was going to go do my shopping and that was almost two hours ago. - well, two boys on a saturday morning can find a lot of delightful diversions. i remember when i was a kid, i used to fool around watching the milkman feed his horse, or the water wagon wet down the dirt streets. - well, that's fine, dear, but this is the 20th century. (audience laughter) where do you suppose beaver could be? - well, i don't know, dear. but if he's not back soon, i'll go look for him. i thought wally was going to do your shopping for you. - well, he was, but eddie stopped by and they went out jumping. - oh. (audience laughter) - on the trampoline. beaver said it's a new way to meet girls. (audience laughter) - well, what won't they think of next? but this is the 20th century. (audience laughter) (upbeat music)

- gee, larry, when we first came in here i thought it was a good idea, but now i don't think so. - well, my mom wasn't home. where else could we go with a wallet? - yeah. well, i just feel kinda funny sitting in a police station. - how come? we haven't done anything wrong. - but gee, larry, someone might see us sitting here and think we did something to put us in jail! (audience laughter) - yeah. that's kinda what happened to the count of monte cristo. - who's he? - it's a story i saw on television. they put him in a dungeon 'cause he was flirtin with a police chief's girlfriend. (audience laughter) - well, gee, larry. we're not old enough to do anything like that. alls we did was find the wallet. (audience laughter) - yeah. i guess we're okay. - well, hello there. are you the two boys who found a wallet? - yes, sir. i'm theodore cleaver, and this is my friend larry mondello. we found it over on grant avenue, in the gutter.

show it to him, beaver. - well, how much money is in here? - well, we counted it three times. (audience laughter) and once there was 87 dollars, and once there was 89 dollars. and the last time we counted it, there was 91 dollars. (audience laughter) - we were kinda nervous 'cause we never counted that much money before. (audience laughter) - oh i see. well, if you boys will just come in the office with me, i'll make out a report and give you a receipt. - then what happens, mister? - well, we keep the wallet in the safe. and after r n days, if no one calls for it, then the finder gets the money. - boy oh boy! - by the way, which one of you actually found it? - he did, mister. i just said it was a hunk of junk. - oh, i see. (upbeat music) - well, thank you for calling, mrs. mondello. yes, i'll call you back if i hear anything.

joan! joan. - what is it, dear? - that was larry's mother on the phone. - oh, are the boys over there? - no, but they've been there because they left a note saying where they were going. - well, where are they? - they're at the police station. (audience laughter) - at the police station? ward! - hi, mom. hi, dad. well, what's the matter? did i do something wrong? - wally, your brother left for the market with larry this morning and now we've just heard they're at the police station! - well, gee, mom, that doesn't mean they swiped anything at the market. (audience laughter) they coulda just been around when it was held up or something. (audience laughter) - wally, they never even got to the market. now, i'm sure when we find out what this is all about, it'll be nothing. - sure. you guys are probably just blowing your tops for nothing. (audience laughter) - we're not blowing our tops, wally! (door slams) - [beaver] hey, mom! hey, dad! i'm home! - beaver, are you all right? - sure, i'm all right. - well, beaver, where are the groceries? (audience laughter) - gee, dad, i didn't get to get em. - hey, how come they yanked you down

- wally, i think i can handle this. now, beaver, you've been gone exactly two hours and a half. now, what precisely did happen? - well, on the way to the market, larry and i were looking in the gutter. and we found a wallet. and larry's house was closer, so we took it there, but nobody was home, so we took it to the police station and in ten days i get to keep the money! (audience laughter) - you found a wallet, and you took it to the police station? - beaver, are you telling the truth? - oh sure, dad. here's even the recipe the man gave me. (audience laughter) - 89 dollars! - wow! boy, what a lucky goof! - oh, sorry 'bout the grocery order, mom. - oh, that's all right, beaver. your father and i can drive to the market. - well, beaver, we were very upset here. but i'm certainly proud of you that you took the wallet to the police station and turned it in. - well, i'll see what sort of lunch i can scrape up. - i'll give you a hand.

that i'll get to keep the 89 dollars? - well, gee, i don't know, beav. if you think you're gonna get to keep it, you probably won't. - then if i think i won't get it, does that mean i will? (audience laughter) - no, it doesn't work that way neither. the best thing to do is just to wait 10 days and hope for the best. (audience laughter) - yeah. you know something, wally? i wish i could go to sleep for 10 days. (audience laughter) - yeah, sure.

- hey beav, whatta you been writing there? - i'm makin a list of the stuff i'm gonna buy when i get the 89 dollars. - yeah. - whatta got on there? - a tennis racket, an army sword, a pair of hip boots-- - hey, wait a minute, beav. what would you want with a pair of hip boots?

around rescuing people. - aw, you're goofy, beaver. you better not go around counting your chickens before they're hatched. - yeah. i guess it's the same with money as it is with chickens. (audience laughter) - hi, fellas. - hi, dad. - hi, dad. - you know, beaver, i've been thinking about that money you found. - he's been thinking about it too, dad. he's practically got it all spent. (audience laughter) - yeah. well, beav, i think we should make an effort to locate the owner. i think it'd be a good idea to put an ad in the paper. - gee, dad, i thought i was being honest enough already. (audience laughter) - someone may have lost that money who really needs it. you know, someone who has to buy food and clothing for a family. - well sure, beav. you don't want someone kicking the bucket just 'cause you want a pair of hip boots. (audience laughter) - yeah, i guess i wouldn't be lucky enough to have a millionaire lose it. - well, i'll tell you what, beaver. you think it over, and tomorrow you

- okay, dad. - i know you're disappointed, son. but it's the right thing to do. - wally, would it be right to pray that nobody claims the money? - not if you put an ad in the paper. they you'd have two things working against each other. (audience laughter) (upbeat music) - hey, wally, nobody's home. let's call up some girls and pretend we're talent scouts. (audience laughter) - hello, eddie. - oh, hi, mrs. cleaver. gee, mrs. cleaver, your hair looks real pretty today. - well, you should know, eddie, being a talent scout. (audience laughter) - yeah. - wally, if you go upstairs, don't bother your brother. he's working on his lost and found ad. - oh sure, mom. gee, eddie, can't you ever watch what you're saying? - well, how did i know your mom was hiding in the den? (audience laughter)

(blows eraser dust) - hey, beav. - hi, wally. hi, eddie. you guys aren't supposed to disturb me. - we know, we know. - you wanna hear what i have? - okay. - "i found a green wallet in the gutter "with 89 dollars in it. "it was on grant avenue near 10th street on saturday. "and if you lost it, you can get it at the "mayfield police station. "signed theodore cleaver." - well, that tells just about everything. - look, kid, your pop said you had to put an ad in the paper, he didn't say you had to draw a map. - whatta you mean, eddie? - with all that stuff in there, the owner's gonna know right away it's his. - well, that's the idea, isn't it, eddie? - sure, but you can cut out all those details. (audience laughter)

- no, it wouldn't. if the guy lost it, he knows it's green. if he lost it on grant avenue, he knows that too. just put in there, "found. "one wallet." - yeah, i guess that'd be all right. - sure. and why put in there about the police station? the guy who lost it might be a crook. walks into the police station, they're liable to arrest him. you better leave your name out, too, boy. - why? - [eddie] why? if the guy's a crook, he's liable to come around and rub you out for stealing his money. (audience laughter) you're messing with dynamite, kid. if i were you, i'd just tear it up. (audience laughter) - cut it out, eddie! you better show it to dad. he'll fix it up. - yeah, i guess so. - hey, eddie. how come you're always giving beaver the business? - i'm not giving him the business, i'm just trying to wise him up. i don't want him going out into the world and getting slaughtered. (audience laughter)

- hi. - i thought you were going to be home early this afternoon. - well, i would have been, but i drove fred rutherford home. and he had to stop by his insurance broker's. he thinks he broke his toe. (audience laughter) - well, how'd he do that? - got up in the night, slammed the bedroom door on it. - how did that happen? - well, i didn't ask him for details, but he said it was gwendolyn's fault. (audience laughter) - you know, beaver came home right from school again today. and he called the sergeant down at the police station twice, asking about the money. - yeah, i guess he's pretty anxious. anyone claim it yet? - no, and he has eight more days to go. do you think anyone will? - i don't know. but however it turns out, beaver's gonna have a week he'll never forget. (audience laughter) - hello, sergeant? this is theodore cleaver. i just got home from school. did anyone show up to claim my found money today? oh, they didn't? well, yes sir. i know i don't have to call up everyday. yes, sir. goodbye.

yes, i'm calling for my brother theodore, on account he doesn't wannna bother ya. oh, um, yes sir. yes, sir. thank you. - did anyone claim it, wally? - uh uh. - oh boy! - that's right, sergeant, i'm calling about the wallet. no, this isn't another cleaver. this is a mondello. that's a name! (audience laughter) i'm calling for my friend theodore, on account of his parents told him not to call you anymore. oh. thank you. goodbye. not yet! - boy, larry. it two whole days, i'll be almost a millionaire! - yeah! (audience laughter) - yes, ward, the officer called from the police station and beaver went right down there after school. - well, this is the tenth day. looks like he's going to get his money. - he was so excited and happy.

and he's going to give larry ten dollars, just because he was with him when he found it. - well, you know we're pretty lucky to have a boy who thinks of other people. - would you have given your parents silk pajamas? - well, dear, i was brought up on a farm. silk pajamas were something you only saw in movies. (audience laughter) - theodore, if you can wait a few minutes, the sergeant will come out and talk to you. - i already waited ten whole days, so i guess i can wait a few more minutes. (audience laughter) - that's fine. - hello, there. - hello, lady. - are you alone? - yes, ma'am. - aren't you rather young to come to a place like this by yourself? - uh uh. i only look young. (audience laughter)

- no, i didn't. - neither did i. well, i came here to see about the lost and found. - well, so did i. - well, i found something and they're gonna give it to me. - well, i lost something. i guess that puts us both in the same boat. - well, i guess you lost a dog or a cat or something, huh, lady? (audience laughter) - no, as a matter of fact, i lost a wallet. - there's hundreds of people who lose wallets. - i ppose they do. - was it a red wallet? or maybe a black one? - no, it was green. - yeah, and you lost it on grant avenue near 10th street and it had 89 dollars in it. - you must be the one who found it. - yeah, i'm the one. - well, that's wonderful! - yeah, isn't it? - you see i've been out of town, and i just got back this morning and i saw an ad in the paper. - we put it in there. - well, i see you two have already met. - yes, sir. it's her wallet.

that a nice honest little fellow like this found it. - i certainly am, and i think he's just a wonderful boy. i'm going to take your name and address and send you the very nicest present i can find. - gee! thanks a lot, lady! (kisses) - june, i was just looking out of an upstairs window. what in the world is beaver doing sitting out on the curb on a saturday morning? - dear, he's waiting for the mailman. - well, it was four or five days ago that woman said she sent him a present. hasn't he given up hope yet? - no, i guess when you're beaver's age, you just don't know enough about the world to give up hope so soon. - well, i think that's an awful thing for that woman to do. - dear, do you think it would help if we called the sergeant and told him what she did? - what good would that do, dear? they started arresting people for selfishness, half the world would be in jail. - hey, mom! hey, dad! hey, wally! it came, it came!

- it's my present from the wallet lady! - the mailman just gave it to me! it was parcel posted! - well! - hey, what's all the screaming about? - it's my present from the wallet lady! - well, she finally came through, huh? - well, i know she would! i knew she would! - look, wally, it's a radio with a clock in its middle! - boy, beaver, and i was beginning to think that lady was just giving you the business. - it's a very nice present, beaver. you can use it to get to school on time. - yeah. and i can use for good stuff, too. (audience laughter) - you should be very happy, beaver. that's quite a reward. - well sure, dad. i knew she'd send it. all this time, she's probably been looking in the store to find something real good. come on, wall, let's take it upstairs and see how it works. - well, that sure is neat, beav. - it is a very nice reward, dear. when did you find time to buy it? - yesterday, noon time. i may have gone a little overboard, but i think it was worth $16.95 to restore his faith in human nature. - i think so, too.

- hey, what're you doing, beav? - setting it for six o'clock. - six o'clock? - yeah, so i can wake up and set it for seven. (audience laughter) - you're goofy, beaver. (knock at door) - well, fellas, we just came upstairs to say goodnight. - did you finish your homework, wally? - yeah. beaver was playing the radio, so i had to finish it up in the bathroom. (audience laughter) - oh, well now, beaver, that's all right the first day, but i don't want you doing that on school nights. - sure, dad. dad, would you put this in a envelope and mail it from your office? - sure.

- uh uh. it's a thank you letter for the lady who sent me the radio. i called the police station and got where she lives. - oh i see. - well, i wrote her. "dear mrs. tomkins, "thank you for sending me the radio for finding your wallet in the gutter. "every time i play the radio, or it wakes me up, "i will think about you. "i hope you will also think about me sometimes. "yours truly, theodore cleaver." - hey, that's pretty good, beav. maybe you are learning something in school. (audience laughter) - isn't it all right, mom? - oh yes, beaver, it's very nice. - i'll take care of it for you, beav. - thanks, dad. - goodnight, fellas. - goodnight, dad. - goodnight, dad. - goodnight, wally. - goodnight, mom. - goodnight, beav. - goodnight, mom. - wally, do you know any station that plays indian music? - what're you talking about? - i just thought it'd be nice to be waked up by indian music.

- look, you just gotta set it and take your chances. it might wake you up with a commerical, or a weather report or anything. - it's a very sweet note, isn't it? - uh huh. - shame you can't mail it for him. - well, i'll mail it the first thing in the morning. - you are? - you bet i am. maybe when that miss tompkins reads it,

i don't know how you can sit there so calmly. this will be our first real vacation in five years. do you realize where we'll be tomorrow night at this time? mm-hmm. sitting under a caribbean moon with no thoughts of diapers, dinners, or demand feedings. yeah, we'll be guzzling exotic rum drinks a thousand miles away from layouts, business lunches, and larry. do you realize that he is the reason we haven't had a vacation in five years? somehow he always manages to work it out so that we can't go. yeah, well, not this time. we're leaving tomorrow morning. i just have a feeling the phone's going to ring any minute. [ doorbell rings ] there. you see?

oh. forget it. huh? we're going on our vacation, and nothing you can do is going to stop us. bravo! have you two gone bananas? is this the way you treat someone who's come all this way to wish you bon voyage? i'm sorry, larry. i guess we both lost our heads. yes. we're both a little light-headed. i can't think of two people who deserve it more. that's darn nice of you. louise sends her best. oh! well, thank her. how is she? fair. fair? she's got a little upper-respiratory something. oh, well, that's a shame. yeah, kind of hate to leave her, but first thing tomorrow morning, off i go to chicago. can't you take her with you? unh-unh. she's not well enough to travel. why don't you put off the trip to chicago?

the only reason i'm going is because you couldn't. oh. yeah. but listen. i didn't come here to burden you. i just brought a little going-away present. it's a portable bar to make those carefree, happy moments even happier and carefree-er. oh! how about that? larry, that's very sweet. it's on the company. well, got to go. i have to stop by the pharmacy and pick up a prescription. sam, i'd appreciate it if you'd look in on louise while i'm -- oh, what's the matter with me? you won't even be here. maybe i'll call my mother and ask her to -- no, she'd only make louise feel worse. well, louise is used to being alone.

and she can reach the doctor in an emergency, that's all that -- larry. yes? you want me to go to chicago for you, don't you? where'd you ever get an idea like that? oh, he just made a wild stab. believe me, the thought never entered my mind. unless... wait a minute. you mean you'd make a stop in chicago on your way to the caribbean? chicago is on the way to the caribbean only if you're going around the world first. [ chuckles ] sure. i was just...dreaming. well, have a ball. think of me on the icy streets of chicago. [ door opens ] i won't be leaving till 10:00 in the morning, just for your information, in case you need anything.

do you believe it? only because i heard it. and i think before we leave, we're going to hear it again. well, as far as i'm concerned, he's just shouting down a rain barrel. well, at least we got a portable bar out of it. just the same, it's going to be interesting to see who's on that plane to chicago tomorrow morning. i guarantee you it won't be me unless there's a way i can be in two places at the same time. darrin, shh! who's gonna hear me? the walls have ears. and so has my mother. remember what happened the last time you said you couldn't be in two places at once. remember? it'd be easier to forget my name. well, it did have its funny side, too. you were so anxious for me to get to that hospital in time to have that baby that you didn't even want to go to work. there i was, bragging to mother about what a devoted husband you are when you barged in and announced... sam, i don't know how to tell you this, but, well, i have to fly to japan this afternoon.

well, it's only for a few days. and only this morning he didn't want to leave you to go to the office. [ laughs ] what a difference a day makes. i tried everything i could to get out of it. i reasoned. i argued. i -- you did everything but refuse. i couldn't refuse, sam. mr. tanaka, president of tanaka enterprises, is going back to japan today. and if i make the trip with him, we'll be able to go over my layouts on the plane, and it might just clinch the deal. sweetheart, you have no choice. go. yes! go. samantha will be in the best possible hands. [ water running ] tabitha, are you playing with the hose? tabitha: yes, mommy. i'm watering my sand. we'll discuss this in a minute over lunch. i think i'll make lunch. sam looks tired. that money-mad boss of yours won't exactly love it if you don't show up on that plane.

sam is more important to me than any job. too bad you can't be in two places at once. well, we can't have everything. that's one thing we mortals learned to accept long ago. [ ding! ] atoms split, and so can man. be in both places -- here and japan.

oh, sam, i made our lunch. do you want it on the patio? what are you doing here? i thought you were going to tokyo. you did? what gave you that idea? um... i guess i got the idea when you said, "i'm going to tokyo." but i told you i wasn't going. haven't we been through all this? yes. we certainly have. then why are we going through it again? becau-- i don't know yet. i'll get the lunch.

okay, mommy. mother, i would like a word with you. of course, darling. admit it, mother. you divided darrin. i don't see why you're so upset. he'll be furious! oh! i'll admit that made it irresistible. all right, mother, you've had your fun. now put him back together. oh, samantha, what harm can it do? half of him wanted to stay home, and half of him wanted to make a business deal in tokyo. you should thank me. tabitha, will you open the door? darrin! do you feel any different? different than what? never mind.

no, thanks. now, our sales approach should stress the quality factor of tanaka electronics. uh-huh. if we could stress the high degree of quality control that exists on the assembly line of each and every tanaka product, then i think we'll be in business. now, this graph shows your -- not now. oh, well, how about this graph? it indicates your sales posture for the last year. mr. stephens, please. at the moment, it's not sales posture i'm interested in. it's delicious, sweetheart. there wasn't too much salt in the omelet? no, no, no. it's just fine. the coffee? it isn't too strong? i love strong coffee. as a matter of fact, it's so good, i think i'll save it for lunch. okay. now, you go in the living room and sit down and make yourself comfortable

sweetheart, it's enough that you cooked breakfast. i will not have you washing the dishes. and i will not have you walking around any more than you have to. just sit right down here and take the weight off those feet. it's a little chilly in here. i'll get you a blanket. don't bother, sweetheart. i'm fine. no, no, no, no. i'll make a fire. that'll make it all nice and warm and cozy. darrin. hmm? i'm already nice and warm and cozy. as a matter of fact, i'm getting a little hot. you're hot? i'll open the patio door. why don't you build a fire and open the patio door at the same time? that way you have everything. mother. good morning, endora. it's always nice to see you. what did i do to deserve that? as if you didn't know. sweetheart, i have an idea. why don't you --

i was just going to suggest that you go out and play golf. oh, no. i couldn't play golf. i'd be worried sick about you. sweetheart, i feel fine. and the only thing that would make me feel great would be if you went out and played golf. i would really enjoy sitting here thinking about that. well, all right, but i'm only playing golf for you. i'll get my clubs. you sure i can't get you something, sam -- a little coffee, a little warm milk? a little peace. nothing, sweetheart. mother, put him back together. why? because i only want one darrin. i know what you mean, dear. it's humiliating to look as if you've made the same mistake twice. put him back! [ sighs ]

where do you want him? in japan, of course, so he can finish his business deal. samantha! i'll have to zonk him across the international date line. that isn't going to be easy. [ golf clubs clank ] i'll see you later, honey. oh, wait a minute! what? what? before you go, uh,

i have a campaign in mind to show the consumer the growing importance of electronics in his daily life. now, to the average person, electronics is something they feel is just beyond their intelligence. what i plan to accomplish is to humanize, so to speak -- mr. stephens, would you mind taking your plate from my wife? as you can see, she's quite pregnant. and at this time, it's difficult for her to bend and place it before you. oh. of course. i understand. my wife is pregnant, too. good. i'm glad to see you're not all work. [ laughs ]

[ giggles ] that's cute. now, on page seven... hurry up, mother. oh, believe me, samantha, it would be much easier to zap the working derwood back from japan. that's merely a reverse-the-spell spell. hold it. here you are, sweetheart. i didn't know what you wanted, so i brought sugar and cream and lemon. there. here, let me get those pillows. i'll put them behind your back, then you'll be all nice and comfy, hmm? darrin. hmm? um, would you mind toasting me a couple of crumpets, well-done? coming up. thank you, mrs. tanaka, for a very delicious dinner. now, let's get back to business. here, dear. let me help you with that. if you'll excuse me, mr. stephens, i will assist my wife with the dishes. you see how much i've learned from your western culture? but i haven't even told you our ideas

you're all business, aren't you, mr. stephens? you really should learn how to play a little. [ laughs ] sirloins and sapphires and all things rare. take the derwood from here and send him back there. [ ding! ] your crumpets are on, honey. i'll put the clubs away. i've decided i don't want to play golf... [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] ...anyway. i'm sorry it took me so long, but -- but i'm...glad to see you had time to change into something more comfortable. mr. stephens... may i ask where you got those golf clubs and how you changed so quickly? uh, clubs.

i got the golf clubs at the -- a little pro shop where i play, uh, golf. change -- i, uh -- and change -- i, uh -- well, i like -- i've always liked to change. after all, the world is changing. yes. nice place you have. very oriental. you seem rather upset to me. i have a feeling you're very concerned about your wife. oh, i am. very. i am very concerned about what i'm doing here. well, i don't blame you. larry tate should never have insisted on you coming to japan, not with your wife about to have a baby. frankly, had i known, i would have suggested we conclude our business at a later date. now, would you like me to drive you to the airport? oh, i certainly would. i'm sure my wife needs me desperately. i'll get the keys. enough of two dum-dums.

let us have one derwood -- the big, crashing bore. i asked for an incantation, not a revue. [ sighs ] [ ding! ] there you are. two for the price of one. all right, mr. stephens, we're ready to -- he's gone. what's going on? well, sweetheart, it's rather hard to explain. i have the feeling this is the work of your mother, the wicked witch. ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. there. there. you see, mother? he's back to normal. [ ding! ] okay, sam. out with it. well, yesterday when you couldn't decide whether to -- wait a minute. on second thought, i think i'll make a drink.

there isn't any ice. i don't think i'll need any ice. well, um, yesterday when you couldn't make up your mind whether to go to japan or -- wait a minute. what yesterday? what happened to today? well, today is really tomorrow. i don't know if i can explain this. try. well, you see, today is really today, but somewhere along the line, you lost a day. where did i lose it? [ laughs ] well, it isn't exactly lost. it's just that you don't remember. i think i'll make it a double. you see, you couldn't decide

and the business side of you was having a struggle with the, uh, dear, devoted, considerate -- samantha, get on with it. um, mother divided you and sent the business side to tokyo. i think i'll make it a triple. the, uh, domestic d and the business darrin came here. they sort of switched. oh, boy. i think i'll make it a quadruple. okay. i'll tell you the rest after you pass out.

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but mother actually thought she was doing you a favor by splitting you in half. sure. if your mother was really interested in my welfare, she'd migrate to another planet. i have a feeling i shouldn't have raked over the coals. they're obviously still burning. you all packed? why? think we ought to go upstairs and unpack? what are you talking about? oh. you don't seriously think that larry is still gonna try to con me into going to chicago? you don't seriously think that he's gonna give up after one little try? larry is made of much sterner stuff. sam, i promise you here and now, no matter what trick larry pulls, no matter how much he pleads or threatens, i am not going to postpone our vacation. [ doorbell rings ] want odds on who that is? i'll get rid of him so fast it'll make his head spin.

can't straighten up. it's an old football injury. just on the way to the hospital. darrin, i hate to do this to you. larry, i've just got one thing to say to you. of course he'll go to chicago for you. what? it's the least he can do for an old friend. and, larry, dear, don't you give a thought to our foolish little vacation. you have to think about yourself. sam...you're a gem. real gem. i don't believe my ears. [ ding! ] darrin, look, here it comes again. a bat! a vampire bat! cover your head! [ ding! ] okay, it's gone.

just be sure you take good care of that portable bar i lent you. last one to finish packing is a rotten egg. whoo! darrin! -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com all right -- oh, tabitha, come on. adam ate almost all of his lunch. now, you finish yours so we can go shoppin yoo-hoo, esmeralda? [ ding! ] hello, samantha. is, um... yes, but he'll be leaving in a minute. oh, good. [ ding! ] hello, tabitha. hello, esmeralda. esmeralda, would you mind babysitting while i take tabitha to get some shoes and while darrin goes to the driving range to hit some golf balls... or at hello, esmeralda. how nice to see you... for a change. [ ding! ]

ooh, what i meant was it's always nice to see you. [ ding! ] thank you, mr. stephens. samantha, have you seen my golf glove? isn't it with your clubs? no, and it's not upstairs. then it must be downstairs. i'll help you look tabitha, please, finish your lunch. i'm not hungry. sweetheart, you've been saying that an awful lot lately. i think it's psychological. i think it's related to her feelings toward the new b-a-b-y. that spells "baby." smart, isn't she? tabitha, will you please eat your lunch? no, i don't want to. young lady, you'll finish everything on your plate, or you'll go straight to you room.

let's go look for your golf glove. she's expressing her emotions of rivalry by refusing to eat. i wish i could help her. well, i can. i'll break through her appetite barrier by casting a as a trumpet sounds with a shimmering beat, she who drinks this will crave to eat. sweetheart... where is that boo "how to line up your fourth putt"? that was called "how to improve your swing." sounds like the same thing to me. on the tv set. why?

it looks like a rose you were saving from your first dance. thanks. [ smooches ] see you later. have fun. esmeralda, where are you headed? oh, i'm taking tabitha her milk. never mind. but her little stomach's empty. and her little stubborn streak cannot go unpunished, so she will stay in her room... for at least a good 10 minutes. i'll put her milk in the refrigerator so it doesn't go to waste. oh, it won't go to waste. samantha, you drank tabitha's milk. so? it wasn't wasted. it wasn't intended for you. oh, that's all right. it's all in the family.

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[ ding! ] mr. druggist, may i please have something that might help -- oh, not mr. druggist, mr. apothecary -- purveyor of prescriptions to some of the biggest names in the cosmos. oh, excuse me, mr. apothecary, i need something -- gee, how about some premium-grade nightingale's tongues? they're going for a song. that's an oldie but a goody. will they cure a hunger spell? no, but they're great for warlock's foot. i appreciate your peachy sense of humor, but i need something to cure a hunger spell which i cast, and now i can't remove. don't know as much as you think you know, huh? that's the trouble with you teenagers. oh, i'm not a teenager. i'm a young unmarried. i was hoping maybe you could give me a potion. no "maybes" about it,

cuckoo. [ knock on door ] mrs. stephens, are you busy? mnh-mnh. not at all, mr. kravitz. i was just getting ready to make myself a sandwich. you already have one. i know. but somehow, i think i'm gonna want another. boy, are you a fast eater. that was peanut butter and jelly. would you like me to make one for you? no, thanks. mrs. stephens, my wife generously offered to circulate a petition then went to visit her mother, so -- excuse me. it's a petition to, uh... do you mind if i come back sometime when you're less hungry? you do mind?

ah, thank you. bon appetite. anybody home? i'm in the kitchen. samantha, no joking about it, you're a witch with an eating problem. back from the shoe store? i didn't go. no? tabitha still pouting? oh, no. oh, she's fine. she's playing outside. then why didn't you take her shopping? because the shoe store doesn't sell hamburgers. i guess i should ask what that means. sweetheart, i don't want to alarm you, but there's something wrong with me. i have a virus that creates an uncontrollable craving for food.

well, i've tried to call dr. bombay...five times. but he didn't answer. i forgot. saturday's his afternoon for his buffalo polo game. how could you forget that? it wasn't easy. in the meantime, i just ate tonight's dinner. so better go to the market. i'll take you. if you're sick, you shouldn't drive. who's gonna stay with the kids? isn't esmeralda here? no. no, she went on an errand. oh, but i'll get her. how soon will it be ready? well, that's tough i'm a slow worker... except with a groovy chick like you. samantha: yoo-hoo, esmeralda! whoever paged you pooped my potion. now i've got to start all over again.

[ ding! ] [ groans ] [ ding! ] you called? oh, uh, yes. esmeralda, can you stay with the kids while mr. stephens how do you feel? hungry. i should have told her, and i will. i definitely will. i'll tell her... right after i cure her. sam, control yourself. yes, sweetheart, i'll try. young woman, that's my apple.

i no longer desire it. samantha, will you stop that? how? hey, what's she doing? she's eating your lettuce. hey, man, what a far-out thing to be hooked on. but, baby, if your bag is shoplifting, don't steal from me. steal from the store. [ with mouth full ] want to put the groceries in the kitchen? esmeralda, how is everything? oh, fine. tabitha's up in her room, and adam's taking a nap. do you need me anymore? oh, no. no, i'm gonna take tabitha to get her shoes on monday, and -- [ ding! ]

i guess she had a date. why don't you try dr. bombay again? he should have his buffalo back at the stable by now. calling dr. bombay! calling dr. bombay! emergency! come right away! [ ding! ] dr. bombay is unavailable. his buffalo polo match went into triple overtime. how thrilling. may i help you? who are you? i'm his new trained nurse. oh... well, i'm samantha stephens, and i think i'm suffering from voracious ravenous-itis. do you know how to cure that? i've never even heard of it. you have never heard of voracious ravenous-itis? i thought you were a trained nurse. i am, but that's not what i'm trained in. i'll give the doctor your message. [ ding! ] should i take a wild guess at what she is trained in?

say, i just thought of something. what?

i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e it's a mystery all is love is love ow!

[howling] announcer: for great play ideas, visit www.smallstep.gov. i thought you were in the baby's room, but you weren't. no, i'm here. i'm just fixing myself a little sandwich. you call that little? oh, be gentle with me, darrin. i've become a food-aholic. esmeralda: oh! oh, come on, baby. how's about a kiss? no. oh, come on, now, it's saturday night, and we're young. oh, dear, i'm in a hurry.

well, i'm waiting for an ingredient i had to orde lately, deliveries from neptune have been running late. so just to keep us occupied, let's fool around, you know what i mean? i don't want to oh, don't fight it, baby. you dig me, and you know it. [ panting ] take five. oh, sweetheart, would you make me a cup of coffee? with saccharin -- got to watch those calories. [ ding! ] yes, samantha, what is it? oh, dr. bombay, i'm so glad you're here. who won the polo match? sam, who cares? i do, and so does my buffalo. well, what's the problem? i have to get back to an important conference. i know. we saw her. dr. bombay, i think i have voracious ravenous-itis. really? i haven't seen a good case of voracious ravenous-itis

well, never mind seeing it, just cure it. my good man, i have to see it before i can cure it. oh... left elbow, please. [ warbling ] by all disease, you won't be bested. your symptoms are forthwith arrested. that's all? i don't believe in a lot of mumbo jumbo. how do you feel? stuffed. darrin, i'm cured. doctor, you're okay. if i ever become a warlock, i'll use you. if you ever become a warlock, i'll become a mortal. [ ding! ] [ yawns ] well, sweetheart, let's go back to bed. i have had a very full day. eat your breakfast, tabitha. do i have to? yes. good morning, darrin, tabitha.

sam? sam? good morning, darrin, tabitha. i'm sorry i -- you already said that. i did? what happened? you fell asleep. that's impossible. she did it again. [ snaps fingers ] hmm? are you all right? sure, i feel great -- bright-eyed and bushy-- darrin, i think there may be something wrong with me. you know what i think i have? voracious sleep-itis? no. no, i think i have a side effect from dr. bombay's cure. you take tabitha upstairs, and i'll call him. all right. come on, honey. dr. bombay! paging dr. bombay!

[ knock on door ] mrs. stephens? oh, h-h-hi, mr. kravitz. excuse me for bothering you, but when i circulate a petition, i wear my victims down until they sign it. to refresh your memory from yesterday, this concerns trash collection. [ clears throat ] oh, yes, mr. kravitz? you fell asleep. oh, well, i'm terribly sorry, but things have been a little hectic around here. apology accepted. it requests the city council to change -- [ snaps fingers ]

but still in all, it's our community, and as citizens -- boy, she must have had some night. i never even knew she drank. [ ding! ] is it ready? is it ready? oh, i've been working on it all night. it's ready, willing, and able, and so am i. please, let me have it. ohh, only in exchange for a kiss. oh, would you settle for a nice, warm handshake? a kiss, a whole kis whoa. [ smooches ] [ ding! ] they just can't keep their lips off of me.

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[ ding! ] eureka! where am i? samantha, i have the answer. [ gasps ] what was the question? yesterday, i put a spell on tabitha's milk, but you drank it. i deserve your hatred. i'm no good. i'm a blundering fool who loves not wisely but too well. esmeralda, you mean, she didn't have voracious ravenous-itis? no, but this will cure her. ah, well, thanks anyway, esmeralda. but i'm afraid you're too late. i don't get it. esmeralda, since mrs. stephens is temporarily indisposed, would you be good enough to call for dr. bombay? dr. bombay! paging dr. bombay!

[ ding! ] this better be pretty important to take me away from my tennis game. that's what you wear for tennis? it is when i'm tackling my new nurse. [ laughs ] dr. bombay, what my wife thought was voracious ravenous-itis wasn't. well, this is terrible. the treatment i prescribed could produce side effects. yes, it did. she keeps falling asleep. well, naturally. because my incantation called for all her symptoms to be arrested. so near and yet so far. mmm. oh, dr. bombay, now, listen quick before i fall asleep. esmeralda has a potion that will remove her spell. now, if you can remove your cure, her cure can cure me. is she right? i don't know, but it can't hurt to try. left elbow?

[ warbling ] the result of my treatment will all fade away. zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-a. my, oh, my, what a wonderful day. bit of a square, aren't you? wow, am i hungry. samantha, drink this in good health. did it work? i think so. yes. good. in that case, i can get back to my tennis match with my new nurse. and what's the score? i don't know, but my nurse does. [ laughs ] [ ding! ] there, you see? everyone got all excited over nothing.

[ ding! ] sam? sam?! just a little joke, sweetheart. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com you mean, dr. bellows invited himself for dinner tonight at your place? yeah. he's looking for jeannie. oh, well, don't let him come. don't you see? it's a trap. he's not hungry. he's looking for jeannie. wait a minute. you know and you're not gonna stop him? oh, don't worry. i'm giving a dinner party tonight. and dr. bellows and his wife are coming, and i want you to come and bring a girl. okay, but who--? who are you gonna bring? kathryn golato. kathryn-- you haven't seen her in ages. yeah, well, i'm seeing her tonight. what about jeannie? what's gonna happen when she finds another girl's at your house for dinner? yeah. don't worry about jeannie.