boy, the way glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

oh, hi, honey. she's out with irene lorenzo and irene's sister. i'm cooking dinner as a surprise. hey, it smells great. yeah, it's a recipe that frank lorenzo gave me. it's called, er, cheval la bordelaise. wait a second. cheval. isn't that the french word for horse? uh-huh. you're cooking horse? michael, don't be upset. lots of people are eating it nowadays. i'm not eating horse. why not? because it used to be a horse! michael, a cow used to be a cow and a lamb used to be a lamb, but you eat them. gloria, that's totally different. i'll stick with cheese. michael, you're just being emotional. i want you to give me a good reason why you're not gonna even try it. i'll give you a great reason! it's against the law to sell horsemeat for human consumption in new york!

and that's where this horsemeat's from. mr. devlin. you know, he's the buyer down at the store? he got it for us. his family eats it all the time. fine, let them eat it. i'm not eating it. oh, michael, come on. it's a great way to save money. you know how high the price of beef is nowadays. i know, gloria. i know i'm being irrational about this, but it's just that we're taught certain things right from the cradle. i mean, certain things are for eating and certain things are not for eating. it's very, very difficult to break those habits. hey, what is this? both: horsemeat! oh, my god! why did you do that to me? you slipped me a piece of horsemeat! oh, michael! michael! ugh! ugh! ugh! ugh! don't be upset! oh, jeez! how could you do that to me? come on! i can't eat horse! i'm eating horse. all right. you're eating horse. how does it taste? it tastes like horse. come on, michael. i saw that look on your face when you put it in your mouth!

it was okay. it was just okay? no, really, it wasn't that bad. it was very good. well, see? wait a second, gloria. you're gonna serve horsemeat to archie? yeah. you gonna tell him it's horsemeat? no! well, what about ma? not gonna tell her either. and don't you tell them! don't worry, they'll never know. my lips are sealed. [snorts] [whinnies] can i have another piece there? michael! edith: gloria, i'm home! oh, michael, that's ma. please keep her out of here. oh, yeah. um... hi, ma! hi, mike. hi, gloria. hi, ma. there's a surprise going on in here. please get out. yeah, but i just wanna get frank's casserole so i can give it back to irene. mmm, something smells good! yeah, that's the dinner i'm cooking. that's the surprise. so go on, ma. thank you, gloria. what is it, chinese? no, ma, but i'll give you a hint. camptown racetrack 5 miles long

oh, i get it! we're having southern fried chicken! here you are, irene. hello, mike. hi. this is one of my family you haven't met. my sister theresa. mike: oh, hi, theresa. hello, mike. mike, theresa is a sister. yeah, i know. irene just introduced us. not, she's a "sister" sister. i'm a nun, mike. really? gee, you're not dressed like the nuns i used to know at parochial school. well, some of the orders are not as strict about clothing as they used to be. that's right! theresa says that nowadays some nuns are allowed to go around just like they was people. gloria: michael! could you please help me in here? yeah, just a second. excuse me. we'd better be going. oh, theresa, what about when you're on duty? you have to wear your uniform then, don't you? oh, yes, as a matter of fact, i'm going over to irene's to change right now.

oh, hello, archie. i'm so glad you're home. you're just in time to say hello to irene and meet her sister theresa. irene: hello, archie. oh, hi there, irene. hi there, sis. edith, look at the table over here! there ain't no dinner on it! oh, we hit him in a good mood. he's usually not this polite. look what theresa gave me. what is that? it's a saint. take the saint off of you. why? because it's catholic, edith. theresa, i think we'd better go. what have you got against catholics, mr. bunker? oh, well, it's a long story, sis. but i'll tell you the truth. i ain't got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can't make no mistakes. you know, like he's what do you call--? inflammable. if you mean infallible, archie, i believe the pope is infallible in matters of faith. i believe it devoutly. then i'm sorry for you, sis.

mr. bunker, we don't have to agree with everything his holiness says, but his job is interpreting the law of god, just like the supreme court interpreting the constitution. if the pope ever made a mistake, do you think god would fire him? no, edith, the pope is like the civil service. the guy is in for life. that's good. it must be nice having somebody looking after you and telling you what to do. oh, edith, there's much more to our religion than just having somebody look after you. it's like a deep well. you can always dip in and renew yourself. that's the trouble with you catholics. you won't quit renewing yourselves and we've got too many people in the world already. there's too many people here right now. let's go, theresa. [doorbell rings] i'll get it!

hello, mrs. bunker. how do you do, father? can i help you? it's me. father majeski. father majeski! you grew a beard. i know. well, come in. ah! there you are, ladies. frank told me i'd find you both over here. mr. bunker. look at all the catholics. if we had bing crosby, we could make a movie. what's with the beard, majeski? you trying to save on razor blades? archie, if the ignorant were blessed, you'd be a saint. now, shall we go, ladies? wait a minute, everybody. wouldn't you like to have some coffee? oh, no, no. no, thank you. we haven't time. oh, you're wearing st. anne, i see. yeah. that's my medal. ain't it lovely? theresa gave it to me. you know, it's too bad we don't have medals like this in our church.

well, we both have the one thing that really matters, mrs. bunker. yeah, and that's the collection plate. i shouldn't think a collection plate would matter to you, archie, unless you were making change. can we eat now the pilgrimage is over? come and get it! gloria got supper for us tonight. it's a surprise. gloria, huh? gee, then it must be either chinks or colonel sanders. no, arch. it's steaks. steak? what are you doing to me? edith, you know i can't afford steak nowadays on my dough. look at that. new york cuts. no, arch, those are new jersey cuts. uh, daddy, ma didn't buy the dinner. it's our treat.

well, in that case, whoop-de-do. dig in there. yeah. [chuckling] how was your day, ma? oh, lovely. irene took me to st. patrick's cathedral in manhattan and the organist was practicing. it was just like a concert, only we couldn't clap at the end. hey, hey. hold your horses. what was you doing in st. pat's cathedral? you ain't even a catholic. oh, it was all right, archie, because irene is a member. yeah. what's all this catholic stuff anyway? look at the medal dangling off you there like you was a mother superiority. gee, ma, that's lovely. it's st. anne. theresa said she's a patron saint. of what, ma?

archie, st. anne is the patron saint of housewives and women in labor. oh, my. i hope you don't have to be in labor to wear it. you don't have to be that, but you've got to be catholic to wear it, which you ain't. you ain't yet explained to me what's all the attraction with the catholics. oh, they have lots of interesting things like those little confessionals right in the church. they're like telephone booths to god. hey, ma, that very poetic. the hell's poetic about it? i didn't hear nothing rhyme. i just had a lovely day, and it's so nice to come home to this lovely dinner. thank you, gloria. yeah! thank you, ma. you like it, daddy? i certainly do, little girl. it's delicious.

i couldn't have put it better myself, arch. my, this meat is delicious. i ain't never seen meat so lean. what kind is it? it's steak, edith. it's steak. it's steak. yeah, i know, but what kind? ma, it's, um-- [whispering] i'll be right back. what got into your mother-in-law? nothing that hasn't gotten into you too, arch. ma, why are you so upset?

but ma-- ma, we're not eating mr. ed. we're eating something the rest of the world's been eating for years. you've seen people lining up for it on the news, remember? i know, gloria. but horse! people ride horses. the queen rides a horse. ma, it's no different from eating chicken. but the queen don't ride a chicken. i'm sorry if i did something wrong, ma. oh, it's all right, gloria. i guess i'm upset because i was enjoying it. look at the time. i promised to pick up irene. we're going to guitar mass. hey, edith-- ed-- ed-- edith! edith, what are you doing? you're running around like a loose wheel. i won't be late tonight, archie. what?

bye! bye. oh, what? is she going out again tonight with that lorenzo dame? yeah, she's going to irene's church, i think. for guitar mass. why is she going to any kind of a mass? what's wrong with that? [doorbell rings] listen, meathead, we could be in trouble here. you know that? i'm hearing an awful lot of this catholic stuff lately. thnext thing you know, your mother-in-law will be giving us fish on fridays. maybe next friday, arch, but tonight-- look at that slob. a napkin beside him, he wipes his hands on his pants. hello, again, mr. bunker. do i know you? i'm theresa. oh-- oh! well, what are you doing dressed up in a nun's outfit? i'm a nun.

mr. bunker, i'd love to stay and discuss it with you, but i've got to get back to the convent. i just wanted to drop these by for edith. when we were talking a little while ago, she said she'd like to read them. nice to meet you. yeah, likewise, i'm sure, there, sis. daddy, what did she leave for ma? oh, i don't know. some kind of pamphlets here that she... oh, holy cow! look at this! instructions in the catholic faith. wow, sounds like ma is really taking it seriously. well, that's what i was telling youse two before, she's taking it serious. well, i'm going to take it serious too. daddy, where are you going? i'm going to over to see that father majeski with the beard. gloria: what for? after all these years with edith,

that the bunkers don't need another religion in the family. i'm afraid i don't understand. i'm afraid that my wife is gonna turn into a catholic. you make it sound like some kind of a horror movie. and when does this happen, at midnight under a full moon? listen, i just don't want no one trying to make my wife change from a christian to a catholic, that's all. oh, no, no, no. no, we can't let that happen, can we? look what i got here that them lorenzos have been leaving around my house. the pamphlets. here, look at this one. instructions in the catholic faith. here's another one. the holy father's newest encyclical. as if anybody cares what he rides around on. god works in mysterious ways, mr. bunker. and you're one of his darkest mysteries.

and i know what you're there for. you and the lorenzos trying to convert my wife. as much as i like your wife, i didn't go over to see her, i went to see irene lorenzo. oh, sure. to give irene lorenzo advice on how to win over my wife. that dame's been hanging around my wife's neck like an albacore. it just struck me that they were good friends, that's all. what is friendly about taking my wife out, taking her to churches, giving her presents, then? well, that is fairly hostile, i must admit. and after all, you catholics would have no use for edith. i mean, she ain't never got nothing to confess. you couldn't use her in a choir. she sings like a hinge. mr. bunker, believe me, no one's trying to convert your wife. oh, i don't know whether i can believe that. if you really want me to, i tell you what you do. you get a hold of edith, and talk her out of what she's s ing. what do you think this is here, some sort of a religious schick center? why don't you talk to your wife yourself? you know, from what you tell me,

why don't you try to communicate with her? why should i do that? i'm living in the same house with her. maybe she's looking for companionship. now, hold it. hold it there, majeski. no, you hold it. if you can't talk to your wife, talk to your minister. who, the reverend fletcher? felcher. whatever. why should i talk to that dumbbell? he's turned more protestants into catholics than you have. that is my last word to you. i don't want no more of this messing around. i don't want you or anybody else doing it. everybody, just keep hands off of my wife. or else. come on in, irene, and i'll make you some coffee. oh, good. gloria: how did the guitar mass go? oh, it was lovely.

quite a surprise tonight for dinner. horsemeat la frank lorenzo. don't let archie hear you say that. that's all right, ma. he's out. now he's in. hello, archie. don't give me none of that "hello, archie," and the smiles all over your face. i know where you been tonight. you been over to st. mary's. oh, yeah, and it was a beautiful service. i came out of the church feeling like a new woman. holy cow! you mean you done it already? done what, archie? ohhh! gee, look at you. you wouldn't even know what you done if you done it. did you get on your knees and kiss anybody's ring tonight? what? did any guy take a stick and splash water all over you? no. did you eat a cookie? no.

what, are they using that now? oh, archie, that's dumb, even for you. listen, irene, this is all your fault. no, i didn't have the ice cream in church, archie. irene and me stopped on the way home. that's all? yeah. you didn't do nothing besides that? no. well, then, thank god i got you in time, irene. now, what is that supposed to mean? listen, i ain't going to beat around the brush with you no more. i want you to stop trying to make my wife into a catholic. are you trying to accuse me of proselytizing? what? no! arch, irene means that she's not trying to convert ma. no one's talking to you there, big mouth. edith, come over here. come over here! i got one word to say to you and one word only.

oh, archie. you know i would never do that. i just wanted to learn something about irene's religion. that don't mean i'm gonna join. well, it certainly looked as if you was. archie, edith doesn't have to join our church to find out what religion is all about. she learned a long time ago that the important thing in life is to love other people. irene, that's the best definition of religion i've ever heard. oh, listen to the atheist over here, shooting his mouth off! what the hell do you know about religion? arch, i know that the most important thing in life is to love other people. baloney! i happen to feel that you can achieve that without bringing god into it, but if that's irene's way, i respect it. at least we're going for the same results. the only result i ever seen you going for was the icebox. mike, you may be an atheist, but that was a very christian thing to say. thank you, irene. oh, listen to the catholic and the atheist

i can't stand it no more. get away from me, all of youse! edith, it was a lovely evening. good night, kids. good night, irene. arrivederci, irene. archie, i don't like comparing your church with mine, but there is one big difference that makes me very happy. yeah, what's that?

u're wearing one.

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boy, the way glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

you're crazy! pay up. what for? you lost the bet. you made the bet and you lost the bet--

the matter is, your husband ain't got no honor. you know that? he's a welsher. he made me a bet of a dollar, he lost the bet, and now he won't pay up. you know that joke was funny! arch, the joke was not funny! you didn't see me laugh, did you? i seen you trying not to laugh. but you didn't fool me, because i seen your mustache twitching. what is this all about? i bet him a dollar that if he could hear stretch cunningham tell one of his own jokes in his own voice, that he had to laugh, he'd think it was funny. can you believe he actually tape-recorded stretch telling one of those rotten jokes! that's right. right here. hey! daddy, did you buy that? no, no, stretch loaned it to me. he uses it to try out his jokes on himself, see? now, listen to this. no, i don't want to listen to that again. it stinks, arch. just wrap up the sandwiches, gloria. let's get going. wait a minute. wait a minute! pay me the buck before you go on your vacation. no! daddy.

it's a weekend seminar in the mountains. it's a sociology study group. it's a working weekend for michael. "a working weekend," i know what that meathead's gonna be working on as soon as youse two get up in the woods alone. funny, arch. hey, i'm back. archie: yeah. come on, close the door, irene. it's cold. i got the weather stripping for your cellar door. come on, you welcher! you pay me a buck! no! come on, gloria. let's go. well, you can go, but not with that. daddy! what are you doing? give that back. that's our lunches! give that back! you want the lunch, pay me the buck. oh, forget it, michael. pay him and let's go. no. it would be lying. in my opinion, that joke was not funny. and in my opinion, as the head of this house, the joke was damn funny. all right. all right, why don't we have somebody else judge it, okay? all right. if you can get an indepartial judge. uh, how about irene? all right, sure. come on, irene. get over here and judge this thing here. oh, no, you're not getting me involved in a family argument. come on. come on, irene. oh, come on, irene, please? because we have to go.

get out of here, youse two! now you listen to this and you tell me if stretch cunningham ain't the funniest guy you ever heard. hey, hey. don't prejudice her. what are you talking about prejudice? stretch cunningham's a white guy. now... stretch [on tape recorder]: hi, everybody! this is stretch cunningham talking. you know how you can tell when an elephant's been in the refrigerator? you find his footprints in the butter! ha ha! ha! ha ha ha! huh? i'll get your door fixed in just a few minutes, edith. michael: come on, gloria. let's go. come on, irene. that was a funny joke. you didn't laugh at it. what's the big idea? bye, everybody. edith: bye! hey, ma, have a nice time in scranton. thanks. bye, daddy. [laughs] i got the sandwiches! [laughing] we'll see you tomorrow night if you're still up when we get home. have a good time in the woods. say hello to the pinko patrol up there.

yeah, all right. hurry up, will you? i'm so worried about going away for the whole weekend. are you sure you're gonna be all right? i'm a grown man, edith. i can take care of myself. ow! jeez! you strangled my nail. i'm sorry. you want me to kiss it and make it better? shush! irene's standing there! you want me to kiss it and make it better? cut the funnies, huh, irene? will you hurry up? if you don't get that dress there to scranton in time, they'll be baptizing the baby in the nude. come on! come on! you're missing that bus. the last bus to scranton leaves at 5:00 tonight. yeah, all right. all your meals are in the icebox. everything's labeled, so you can't go wrong. did you label the beer cans too?

no, no! go! here, come on, will you? i'm sorry. bye, archie. oh! mwah. i wish you were coming with me. it's cold and the air is coming in here. oh! irene! goodbye. goodbye, edith. don't do anything i wouldn't do. all right. oh! [laughing] come on, will you? will you get going! all right, archie! yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah. goodbye, house. oh... oh, well, all right, irene. not to be disneighborly or anything, but you're next. are you finished here? yeah, your door is all fixed now. you got a draft-proof strip on the bottom and you got a burglar-proof lock. oh! oh! one thing about this lock. be sure and turn the knob to the left because that clicks on the safety latch. if you turn it to the right, it locks. yeah, i know all--

i know about them locks. well, i just wanted to show you. and i put on that automatic closer, last week. and-- boy, that closes fast! maybe i'd better just ease it back a little. no! don't worry about it. leave it alone. it'll be all right. it'll just take a minute. no, no, no. you shouldn't stay here, you know. because you and me alone here in the house like this, it, uh-- it don't look-- what do you call it? good. oh, you're right. you know what frank would say if he caught us together? what? "you can do better than that, irene." aw! [laughing] cut it out! you're as nutty as your old man. i had you going there for a minute, didn't i, archie? here's your tools. listen, why don't you come on over and stay with frank and me today? at least you'll be warmer. it's all right. i'm just gonna be by myself. anyway, i gotta wait for the oil man. he was gonna make a delivery. well, if you change your mind. yeah, well, i ain't gonna change my mind, irene.

yeah, bye! whoop-dee-doo! alone at last. i'll watch a little tv, have a little beer for myself in here. and first of all, try out this little item here. huh? first of all, we turn stretch over. yeah, you're a funny guy, stretch. i don't give a damn what they say. ah. this is for record, there. [clears throat] [suavely] good evening, folks. this is archie bunker talking to you from the gardenia room, 704 hauser street. all alone i'm so all alone there is no one here but me all alone by the telephone

jeez, it's awful cold in this house here. let's see what this is. the thermostat says-- sixty-four! jeez! down the cellar i go to check that fuel supply

[grunts] oh! [groans] a tool here. ah! chains. who would keep all this crapola down here? yeah!

ow! jeez! ow! ow! oh! [moans] i'm locked in the cellar! it's colder down here than upstairs. why not? it's the cellar. let's check the oil here. not a drop left. thank you, arabs. i want something here to put over myself. i'll freeze to death down here. what's this?

i know what we'll do, a little note. "help. man...in...cellar." hey! anybody! there's a note up there! oh, jeez... [mumbles indistinctly] there's nothing.

polish vodka. what's this doing down here? a card. "gloria and mike. "best wishes on your wedding day. "may all your troubles be little ones. uncle casmir." that dumbbell from chicago. well, casmir, here's to you. nothing. ooh! jeez. that was a while coming, there.

yeah. "one hundred proof." boy, that's a blanket in a bottle. [telephone ringing] oh, the time. it stopped. [grunts] gloria! mike, gloria!

it must be sunday. if it ain't monday. holy... ugh... i could croak down here and nobody would know. i know what i've got to do. last will and tentacle. this is archie bunker, 704 hauser street,

to my wife, edith bunker, to her all my worldly goods i do endow, including the house, 704 hauser street, and everything in it, except the following items. to my son-in-law, meathead stivic, i leave my original 48-star american flag, leaving out alaska and hawaii. to my dear daughter, gloria bunker, who i forgive for marrying the above, i leave my personal living-room chair for her to use as a centralpiece

to mrs. irene lorenzo... who killed me... to mrs. irene lorenzo-- [blows raspberry] that was a hell of a sleep. another day gone by. maybe it's tuesday, if it ain't wednesday. ohh... last will and tail.

meathead, you take care of my little girl. don't you ever go on the welfare. support her. don't worry, arch, i'll take care of her. she's my responsibility now and i'll provide for her. daddy, don't worry about us. what about mom? oh, god takes care of dingbats, little girl. where is your mother? right here, archie. oh, yeah, there you are, edith. how are you managing without me? oh, we're fine. i don't wanna hear that. how are you gonna be fine? how youse all gonna live without me around? oh, daddy, we'll be all right. why, ma just won $2 from the daily news for writing her most embarrassing moment. yeah. i'll read it to you.

i went down the cellar and found archie dead." bye, arch. bye, daddy. bye, archie. no! edith, come back here. come back here. oh, archie, i'm glad you called me back. i've got something to tell you. i know you'll be upset, because this is a thing that a guy don't usually tell a woman. i love you, edith. i know, archie. you mean i didn't have to tell you, then? no. then why didn't you stop me? oh, i'm sorry. oh, that's all right, edith. i forgive you.

here, edith. come here, edith, and give me a kiss. oh, there she goes. hey, lord, i don't wanna stay here. if you're gonna take me, come on, take me out of this joint. [knock at door] man: are you down there, mr. bunker? jeez, that was fast. here i am, lord! down the cellar! i can't open these doors. oh, gee, i thought you could do anything, lord. i'll come through the front door. yeah, anything you say, lord. i always wanted to see him come through the wall.

i'm coming to get you. i'm waiting here. hey... all right, this is it. this is it. archie bunker signing off for the last time. the lord is coming to take me by the hand, and the next thing you'll hear from me will be from a better world than this. i'm going with the man upstairs. man: mr. bunker? where are you, mr. bunker? here i am, lord, down the cellar. i know you're in the cellar. where's the cellar door? it's that one with the new lock on it, lord. hang on, mr. bunker. i'm coming for you. okay, i found the door. hold on, mr. bunker. all right, i'm waiting for you. mr. bunker. here i am.

yes, yes, yes! forgive me, lord.

erering you" playing]