[ music ] >> here's johnny! [ music ] [ cheering ] >> thank you.

thank you. thank you. thank you very much. thank you very much, everyone. that's very nice of you. really nice. that's very, uh-- thank you. that's, uh-- that's really very nice of you. and i want to tell you-- those joy buzzers on the seat work every time. [ laughter ] >> you're in a good mood tonight. thank you for coming. i came to work today. i saw people camping out in the front with sleeping bags and-- [ cheering ] >> and beach chairs. it turned out to be my staff. g.e. rented out their offices. [ laughter ] >> how ya doin'? aren't you summery? yes. >> i'm goin' all the way to the end, man. >> that way, huh? >> this is it. >> uh, i made my last visit. you know, we're gonna be out of burbank in a couple of weeks.

burbank's famed restaurant row. [ laughter ] >> fine dining out here and my favorite italian restaurant-- you've been there with me-- vinnie abruzzi's little touch of newark. [ laughter ] >> i want to tell ya-- this is a rough joint. i peeked in the kitchen and the chef was pounding the veal with brass knuckles. [ laughter ] >> and i had my favorite dish there. the big dish at little touch of newark is chicken sicilian style. chicken is first covered with parmesan cheese. covered with it. a lot of parmesan cheese. roasted for an hour at 400 degrees. that usually kills the chicken. [ laughter ] >> wouldn't you know next saturday-- this coming saturday, i believe, is the last episode of "golden girls". is that possible? yeah?

ending, but, playing himself in a cameo role, is dr. kevorkian. [ laughter ] >> that's a real sick joke, isn't it? i, uh-- no. the final episode, as i understand it in the premiere-- or preview-- bea arthur gets married. and i had a nightmare last night. [ laughter ] >> i dreamed i was a guest at bea arthur's wedding, and i caught the bouquet. [ laughter ] >> yeah. now doc reminded me today that, after g.e.-- the company with a heart-- has told him after may 22nd, he may no longer use the tonight show band. he can't use that title. [ booing ] >> that's right. so after may 22nd, it will be doc severinsen and

a lot of commercials band. [ laughter ] >> and in a similar move... mayor tom bradley informed chief of police daryl gates that when he leaves office next month, he can no longer use the term "l.a. police". [ applause ] >> i guess the president has left, has he not? bush, as you know, was in los angeles touring south central los angeles the other day. and he prepared for his meeting with the black leaders in rather an unusual way. the night before, he went to a midnight showing of "white men can't jump". [ laughter ] >> then he had a 20 limousine entourage that went through south central los angeles looking at the burned out buildings. and the president arrived a week, actually, after the riots and still beat

[ cheering ] >> getting on dangerous ground, isn't it? [ laughter ] >> interesting item in the paper today. maybe you read this about health. new study from ucla said that men-- i don't know why women, but they said men-- who consume mega-doses or moderately heavy doses of vitamin c live an average of, i think, six years longer than men who don't. did you read that? >> i read that, yeah. >> i guess the average dosage is 60 milligrams a day. if you take ten times that, it would be what? six-- six hundred milligrams, right? [ applauding ] >> wait a minute. >> rocket scientist. [ laughter ] >> yeah. vitamin c. i don't know. spending your whole life eating broccoli and cabbage. is it worth it just to have willard scott wish you a happy

[ laughter ] >> is it worth doing that joke? [ laughter ] >> okay, let's move on to another subject. you know the company frito-lay? >> yep. >> they said they're changing the taste of their potato chips, making them crispier, and making them taste more like potatoes. you know something i always wondered about? why don't they just make one humongous potato chip? you're gonna eat the whole bag anyway. [ laughter ] >> just put one big chip in there. what's the pretense for? you're just gonna have a couple. one big chip. [ laughter ] >> well, the olympics is coming-- what a blend. what a segue into that. olympics in barcelona. do you know one of the sponsors of the olympics this year is the mcdonald's company? and rightly so, because i think sometimes the difference between a good athlete and a great athlete is a nutritious diet of mcnuggets and fries.

>> here's some show business news. starting-- i sound like "amos 'n' andy." here's some show business news. starting next year on cable tv will be a 24-hour, all game show channel. god, there's a dream come true. how many times have you woken at four in the morning and had this intense craving for wink martindale? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> a game show. it might work. at four in the morning. you know, you can't sleep. it's better than halcyon. tune in. they'll be showing a 1978 rerun of "bowling for dollars." did you know that was an actual show? well, you're gonna be seeing it again. [ laughter ] >> they're gonna show some game shows that they did not show on primetime, but they're gonna have on this channel. shows that never made it. like, uh, there's one called "earn your bail." [ laughter ] >> "fly casting for spam" is a good one. and "name that rash."

>> that's right. umm, then this is sad news. i don't want to end my monologue on sad news, but the plastics engineer who invented the modern aspirin bottle died the other day in minnesota. and they cremated him. took the urn out to the ocean, took the top off, pulled out that big wad of cotton out. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> suicide joke and a cremation joke. [ laughter ] >> we got a good show tonight. mr. garry shandling is with us. one of these funny gentlemen. [ applause ] >> wonderful guy. george foreman. he's here tonight. [ applause ] >> you know, this month for the first time on the cover of penthouse magazine. george foreman is on the cover of penthouse.

ever been on the cover. they wanted to put cheesecake on it, but george ate it. [ laughter ] >> and we got some other things to show ya. stay where you are. we'll be right back.

>> thank you. [ music ] >> hey hey hey hey. [ applause ] >> thank you. tonight we have george foreman who is feeling much better. [ laughs ] and garry shandling. i should mention that jimmy stewart was gonna be our guest tonight. he is a marvelous, marvelous friend. he has been coming on this show for-- ever since we've been doing this show, and we got a message this morning. he just wasn't feeling very well. nothing serious, but he just wasn't feeling up to it. and, jimmy, if you're watching, get well soon.

[ applause ] >> anyway, so for the past couple of weeks and up until we do our final show, which is two weeks from tonight, we have been sifting through our memory file. terrible word. memory flashback. but what else can you call it? reminiscences or something like that? did i pronounce that right? >> reminiscences. >> reminiscences? >> well, you didn't want to use it, see? memory file. stick with memory file. >> try that. >> reminiscences. [ laughter ] >> no. >> no. >> no. >>wait a minute. >> reminiscences. try it again. let me hear it again. >> what do you mean? >> let me hear you say it. [ laughter ] >> reminiscences. >> reminiscences. >> reminiscences. >> that's not easy. well, you wanted to say "remininscences." >> [ mumbles incoherently ] >> you went to the durward kirby announcing school too. >> that's right. >> anyway-- >> that was a long time ago. >> we've been hearing from a lot of people saying they would like to see this sketch again or this particular piece of material, so we've just been taking things out. we have played these before on our anniversary shows. since we started this show, there have been seven presidents of the united states, believe it or not.

and i've had more fun doing-- let's see, i've done lyndon johnson on the show. nixon. done president carter and a debate with reagan. we cut and-- we had a reagan and carter debate together. and i think i get more of a kick out of doing president reagan because he had peculiar mannerisms. it was a field day for impressions. everybody loved to do president reagan. we did a sketch once called "the family feud" with richard dawson, where we had the reagan family against the windsor family of england. uh, we did, umm, "mr. ronnie's neighborhood". we did, umm, reagan reading the christmas carols. we've done a translation when gorbachev visited. we had yakov smirnoff, the comedian, as a translator. but the favorite sketch we've done goes back ten years. and, i understand, it was ten years tonight that we aired this. and when you see this sketch-- i have to point out, we did this live. we don't pre-tape them because we like the audience reaction. kind of a dangerous sketch to do because of the timing was

it's an old comedy device that you'll see in a moment. the actor was fred holliday, who plays reagan's chief of staff, jim baker. and i should point out, as a form of reference ten years ago, that james watt was the secretary of the interior in the reagan administration. so here is the reagan sketch from 1982. watch the monitor. [ applause ] >> well, now, would you send in jim baker, please? [ laughter ] >> morning, mr. president. >> well, good morning, jim. >> yes, sir. >> mr. president, your press conference is scheduled to begin in an hour, so we only have a short time for me to brief you on the kind of subjects that the press may throw at you. >> well, now, the environment is on their minds and i'm-- well, i'm sure they're ask me

the interior. >> watt? >> i said i'm sure they'll ask me about my secretary of the interior. >> watt? [ laughter ] >> jim, i just told you. i think they'll ask about my secretary of the interior. >> james watt. you're scheduled to go swimming with him tomorrow morning at the y. >> where? [ laughter ] >> y. >> why? >> that's right. with watt. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> with what? i don't even know with who, jim. [ laughter ] >> not who. watt. >> well, now, jim. let's get this straight. i'm-- i'm going swimming tomorrow with who? >> watt. >> where? >> y. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> let's, uh--

the middle east now. i-- i'll need the first name of the head of the plo. that arafat guy. >> yasser. [ laughter ] >> i said i'll need the first name of the head of the plo. >> yasser. >> jim, it's nice of you to be polite, but, uh-- [ laughter ] >> but, uh, what is his name? >> no, sir. yasser. >> well, now. you're giving me two different bad answers, jim. now what is his name? >> no, sir. yasser. >> well, now, i asked you what is the first name of the head of the plo and you tell me, "no, sir." >> that's right. >> then you tell me, "yes, sir." >> absolutely. you got it. >> i got what? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> he's the secretary of the interior.

you're doing this to me. >> oval office. baker. yes. you have the head of the republic of china calling for the president? premier chung dun hu? hold on. mr. president, hu's on the phone. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> well, now, jim, i don't know who's on the phone. [ laughter ] >> that is correct. >> what's correct? >> no. he's your secretary of the interior. >> now jim, let's start all over here. very quietly. just tell me, jim, who is on the phone. >> hu is on the phone. [ laughter ] >> who? >> yes, sir.

on the phone, jim? >> no, sir. hu is. >> what? >> swimming tomorrow morning at the y. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> okay. that was-- i must point out, of all the problems i've given reagan over the years, he was very gracious. i sent him a picture once-- i've never mentioned this publicly-- of me in the full reagan make-up behind the podium with the seal. and he inscribed it and he says, "dear ron or john, why should i autograph a picture of me to me?" [ laughter ] >> "all good wishes." so all politicians got a pretty good sense of humor. don't they? [ laughter ] >> okay. now it is pie-throwing time. now pie-throwing, i suppose, goes back to the very first comedian who ever walked the earth. somebody picked up a pie and hit somebody in the face and they said, "hey, that's funny." so what we're gonna do is show you some pie-throwing at people you've always wanted to throw pies at. these have to do with commercials. irritating commercials over

just have had enough. you want to retaliate. so watch some of these. >> hello. i'm henry arbloch with another of my 23 reasons why you should let me prepare your income taxes. number three-- [ laughter ] >> you're away from home and your wallet is stolen. [ laughter ] >> all your cash is gone. what will you do? what will you do? >> sir, how do you spell relief? >> how do i spell relief? i spell it r-o-l-e-- [ laughter ] >> recent reports by medical doctors have shown that hemorrhoid sufferers-- [ laughter ] >> hi, i'm steve lawrence. when that camera comes in real close, my teeth have to be their whitest-- [ laughter ] [ music ] >> it's for you, sir.

>> thank you, paine webber. [ laughter ] >> come on. i dare you. i dare you to knock this battery off my shoulder. >> come on. i double dare ya. [ laughter ] >> hi. you mind if i talk to you for just a minute? i just want to say a few words about diarrhea. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> now. sure-- sure you're saying it looks easy because we're seasoned professionals. we had to pre-tape those. the art of throwing a pie is not as easy. it's-- you know, it's got a gelatin in it, then it's got shaving cream. and it takes a marvelous artist to really throw the pie perfectly and get the trajectory. you saw the carl malden thing we did? we must have-- i don't know how many takes we did on it. here are a couple that did not work. this is rehearsal. >> in other words, as soon as i say, "you're away from home and your wallet is stolen--" >> yeah, i'm coming right in. >> he can come in. >> yeah. i'm coming right in.

our director, talking. >> you're away from home and your wallet is stolen. all your cash is gone. what will you do? what will you-- [ laughter ] >> you're away from home and your wallet is stolen. all your cash is gone. what will you do? what will you do? [ laughter ] >> you're away from home and your wallet is stolen. all your cash is gone. what will you do? what will you-- [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> that's above and beyond. we'll be right back with

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you all know garry shandling. garry shandling is truly a funny guy. a talented comedian. and he filled in here a lot when i was off before. he's got his new show coming out this august on hbo called "the larry sanders show." would you welcome garry shandling? [ music ] [ applause ] [ humming ] >> it's nice to see you, gar. >> nice to see you, johnny. i'd, uh, like to make it clear. this is not a clip. >> [ laughs ] you have no clip with you? >> no, i mean, uh, this is actually happening now. those clips are hilarious. >> how do you follow pies? you know, that's a good old staple. >> i never knew. that's why i had trouble in algebra. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> oh. you still remember. >> wait. i just wanna absorb that i really bombed on my last appearance on the tonight show.

and, uh-- >> really? >> hey, ed. [ applause ] >> you are leaving may 20- >> two weeks from tonight. >> oh. okay. and what was the date ed left? [ laughter ] >> no. ed. okay. so, uh, not only [ laughs ]-- not only, uh, you-- >> yeah. >> but the set and-- which i assume you're dismantling and setting up at your house. [ laughter ] >> it's easier to talk to people like this, isn't it? >> yes, it is. >> don't you wish when you had a guest over, you could just say, "we're out of time." >> sorry, it's time for a commercial. you've been a great guest. >> yeah. really. move down one. >> that's right. [ laughter ] >> uh, so, umm-- this is so weird. i'm still worried about

so, umm-- so, uh-- so, uh... my shrink-- >> still? >> well, not still. just, uh-- it's a new one. >> i see. >> and, uh-- said, uh, that i should come right out and ask you this, because i'm having trouble in this, uh-- >> yeah? >> situation with you. >> sure. >> and he said, "just blurt it out." >> best thing to do. >> all right. you're not leaving because you don't wanna see me anymore, are ya? [ laughter ] >> it's grodin, isn't it? >> yup. [ laughter ] >> i mean, i always have my material. i'm ready. i never sit down and just look at you and go, "what?" >> that's right. that's right. >> you know, i'm ready. i'm here. >> well, i hope to see you after this is over. i hope to see a lot of friends who've come here. you know, you wanna see people-- >> i hope so. i hope so. i went up and visited doc up at his-- i know he's got a new ranch. and he still dresses like that, so you've got some

[ laughter ] >> that could stampede the herd very quickly. yup. >> well, it's good they'll have time off. they can get into that, uh, rehab program. [ laughter ] >> so-- and, ed, i'm sorry i teased you right off the bat. ed and i actually will continue, i assume, to rollerblade together on saturdays. >> oh, surely. anytime you're free. >> oh, you're gonna hear from ed till the day you die. we all are. envelopes just keep rolling in. [ laughter ] >> was i right when i said "the larry sanders show"? >> i'm doing a, umm-- >> why wouldn't it be "the garry shandling show"? >> uh, well-- >> oh, you've done that, huh? >> i did that show. now i am playing a host of a late night talk show. network show. uh, i-- it's gonna be on hbo. it's on cable again, so i'll catch a lot of those guys flipping around looking for women taking their tops off. [ laughter ] >> and, uh-- [ laughter ]

than it usually is? >> well, yes. you're a little, uh-- >> what is it? >> i don't know. you-- >> it's not like i'm leaving. [ laughter ] >> so listen. so-- no. what i mean is-- >> sure. >> i don't even know-- i time-- i think i timed this just right. i think i've-- you're leaving, and i think i am completely out of material. [ laughter ] >> this is-- so i'm, uh, doing this show where i host a late night talk show. >> uh-huh. >> and, uh, we get to see backstage what happens. 'cause i have always found one of the most interesting things about being here is really what goes on once you exit. >> sure. backstage. and it's really pretty interesting. we shot the first one yesterday. and i'm looking for story ideas, bounce something-- some stuff off of you. maybe you could help me? >> i'll do my best. don't know if i'm-- >> okay. have you ever, umm, hit your sidekick? >> i don't think i've physically struck him. no. no. >> okay. >> have you ever had sex with

[ laughter ] [ cheering ] >> now you're-- now you're bringing up ed again. [ cheering ] >> put that down as a-- >> that, uh-- as a three parter. >> put that down as a indefinite. yeah. >> okay. and if you did have sex, did it affect your monologue performance? >> no. no. no. >> no. >> excellent to know. [ laughter ] >> have you ever, uh, had a situation where one of those people who do the bird calls just lost their mind and tried to peck your eyes out? [ laughter ] >> yes. that has happened. >> 'cause i just want this to >> of course. >> so that's, again, why i'm explaining this. uh, i feel like ed right now. this is-- i'm just trying to get these-- this is a-- have you ever, uh, told your bandleader he's very attractive?

>> umm, well, not attractive. fashionable. i've said he's fashionable, but not attractive in that sense. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> no, wait a second. no. no. [ laughter ] >> i'm trying to remember. we were on the road together and, you know, you've-- all right. >> and have you ever rode over one of joan embry's animals out in the-- [ laughing ] >> no, no. so those are then-- will that help you out at all? >> it's incredible. especially the thing about you and ed. >> yes. we'll be the little sidebar in the show. >> so i look forward to seeing you on the other side of the commercial break so we can talk about, uh-- >> great.