[ chuckles ]o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed what were you two prattling about before i came in? oh, i don't know. i guess wives are all the same, rog'. when carol gets into that paper, somehow she won't listen even if the house were on fire. she... rog'? i heard you. the house is on fire. you thinking of getting an alligator bag, too? what? oh, oh! oh, i'm sorry. i hate to tell carol not to spend money, but, gee, lately i've been getting some big bills, you know. wilbur, your troubles are over. how would you like to make $25,000? i'd love to, but carol won't let me marry a rich widow. is that your answer? no, no, really, i'm serious. just listen to this. "entertainer seeks new talent for las vegas.

that has never been seen before." you can play the bagpipes. you call that a novelty act? if you play 'em underwater, yeah. i could sure use that money. hmm, wish i were houdini. there was a great act. you know, i saw a novelty act once, really a great one. oh, this was a long time ago. had everybody fooled. the fellow had a talking dog. a talking dog? yeah, a german police dog. but it talked with such a heavy accent, nobody could understand it. a talking animal. yeah, the act broke up, though, in 1929, when they found out the fellow was a ventriloquist. who squealed? his dog. a talking animal, uh, that would be a real novelty, wouldn't it? george burns would pay $25,000 for it in a minute. if there were such a thing. well, i'll see you later. goodbye, carol. [birds twittering]

to conclude our first french lesson, repeat after me: je vois marie. i see mary. uh, uh, je vois marie. i see mary. tu vois marie. you see mary. tu vois marie. you see mary. remember, that is the familiar. [chuckling] if we all see mary, she sure is. (woman on radio) il voit marie. ed, wait till you hear this. guess what? ah, turn that radio back on, wilbur, i can't cut class the first day. george burns is offering $25,000

so? so, have a lump of sugar. uh, what's the catch? you are the new novelty act. me, a novelty act? what do i do that's different? you're the only horse in the world who talks! for pleasure, not for money. ed, forget yourself once, will you? forget yourself. think about me. wouldn't you like to help me? wouldn't you like to see me free from all money worries? believe me, wilbur, too much money only ruins people. so ruin me, ed, ruin me! i've never asked you for a favor before, have i, old friend? won't you talk to george burns, pleasas for me? uh, excuse me, i hate to see a man cry. look, don't you turn your back on me! ed, i know how you feel, but surely we can sit down and talk this over like 2 grown-- like a grown man and a stubborn horse. sorry, wilbur,

i'll just be another freak. and that's your final decision? put yourself in my place. never mind. i asked you to do me a favor. you won't do it, ok. ok. now, at least, i know where i stand. i am not going to beg you. i am not going to beg you, ed. the horse isn't born that will see wilbur post down on his knees. oh, i'm begging you, ed. won't you please talk to george burns? sorry, mother taught us kids never to talk to strangers. welcome home. oh, hi, doll. did you girls buy the alligator bags? oh, no. but kay got something. guess what you bought me for my birthday, doll. your birthday? that's 3 months away. oh, but not the mayfair's sale. thanks for the gift, angel. you have such wonderful taste. i'm glad you like it. well, do i get to see what i bought you, or are you going to surprise me with it on your birthday? oh, wait till you see it, addison. it's a perfect gift. something i'd just never have bought for myself.

thank you. thanks, carol. look, it's a japanese ceremonial robe. pure silk. well? doesn't she look like madame butterfly? yeah, when she was a caterpillar. oh, roger. well, i better start wilbur's dinner. oh, carol? i'd like to talk to you about wilbur. why? is anything wrong? i'm very fond of wilbur, carol, and frankly, i'm worried about him. why? i stopped by the barn this morning, and, well, i found him talking to his horse again. so what? lots of people talk to their animals. horses, dogs, cats, canaries. true, but they don't expect them to answer back. oh, roger, wilbur doesn't expect mister ed to answer him. carol, i was standing there, and i heard him begging that old plug to do him a favor. favor? what favor? don't ask me. all i know is that when he goes into that barn, he enters the twilight zone. he talks to that animal as if it were human, and do you know why?

exactly. butterfly, one more crack like that and i'll reach for the net. why does wilbur talk to mister ed so much? now, i don't want to offend you, carol, but i suspect it's because he feels he has no one else to confide in. oh, well, i'm his wife, he can confide in me. i'm not so sure. this morning at breakfast, he was trying to talk about something that was very important to him, and all you could talk about was alligator bags. i hate to admit it, but i think addison makes sense. i think so, too. thank you very much, roger. from now on, when wilbur talks to me, i'm going to listen. i'm going to try and be an understanding wife. good girl. bye-bye. bye. there must be a way to make him talk. humans are smarter than animals. there must be a way to keep him from pestering me.

i gotta make him talk to george burns. i'm not talking to george burns. darling, i heard you mumbling. is anything bothering you? something i can help you with? no, no, i--i have a problem. only i can solve i i wilbur, remember how we used to talk before we were married? who talked? we were always neckin'. darling, please share your problem with me. all right. honey, if--if you wanted somebody to talk and he was acting stubborn, how would you go about breaking him down? well, what is it you want him to say? anything. lincoln's gettysburg address, "how now, brown cow," "hello," "goodbye." "thanks for the 25,000." what 25,000? i know what you're going to say: goad him into talking. tell him how stupid he's acting. tell him his i.q. is the lowest. whose i.q.? that's it! honey, you've solved it! appeal to his pride!

thank you, my sweetheart! ed, i'm sorry i tried to make you talk, old buddy boy. huh? i've, uh, just been reading this book on animal psychology. it says that horses have the lowest i.q. of the animal kingdom. all right, so i'm stupid. get me a dunce cap. don't believe me, huh? just let me read you what it says here. ahem. uh, "monkeys, dogs, cats and cows "are all smarter than the horse. even the lowly mule is a genius compared to the horse." ah, name me one mule that ever won the kentucky derby. haven't you got any pride? look, l-l-listen to this: "according to i.q. tests, even a skunk is more intelligent than a horse." then how come he doesn't take showers? excuse me.

i am not going to tell you. ed, doesn't it bother you that psychologists consider the horse stupid? aren't you going to do something to prove that horses have some intelligence? all right, you found them. stop showing off how smart you are. a household hint, wilbur: store carrots in a cool, dark place to keep 'em fresh. look, ed, if you talk on george burns' show, you'll be the idol of millions. you'll be on t.v., in the movies. there won't be a filly in the world that'll be able to resist you. [laughing] i've got all i can handle right now. so you're not going to help me get the $25,000, huh? i think that offer burns made is a phony. ed, i'm going to see mr. burns tomorrow,

and if he agrees to put up the money, whether you like it or not,

oh, is, uh, mr. burns in, please? yes. thank you. [telephone ringing] hello? yeah, this is george burns. yeah, that's true about the money. but the act has gotta be a great novelty act. what does your client do? he sings melancholy baby while you shoot him out of a cannon? where is he now? in chicago? well, shoot him out here, i'd like to look at him. and by the way, this is a long trip, have him learn 2 more songs. goodbye. this is murder.

mr. burns? yeah, what do you do? are you kidding? i'm your secretary. oh, i'm sorry, mary. what a day. i got rid of most of the acts in the reception room. there's only 2 left. good. is that man still out there, who dives 600 feet into a rain barrel? yes, sir. uh, but he wants you to give his wife the money before he dives. because he told me he never did the act before. well, uh, tell him i can't use him. and if he ever does the act, tell him to put lukewarm water in the rain barrel. i wouldn't want a smart fellow like that to catch cold. anybody else out there? and i know i'm gonna be sorry i asked. yeah, some man who says he's got a talking horse. talking? is he--is he sitting on our couch, or is he lying down? he's sitting. he's in the wrong position. yeah, i'll get rid of him. mary, send him in.

will you come in? oh, thank you. mr. burns, i'm mr. post. so far you're doing good. i, uh, i read your story in the paper about your novelty act, and, uh, i have a horse that talks. shame, you're such a young fella. sit down. thank you. you, uh, you say, you, uh, you have a horse that talks? yes, sir. uh, what--what language does your horse talk? well, his native tongue is english, but he's very intelligent, and lately, he's been studying french. nice to hear about your horse. but let's get down to business. i'm--i'm--i'm looking for a novelty act, have you got anything like that? well, my horse. he talks! i mean, he'd be a sensation! well, at least it hasn't been kicked. it's a fresh idea. it might even be better than dean martin and his pink elephants. mr. burns, i don't think you believe me. now what makes you say that?

of course, i've been married to gracie allen over 30 years, i believe anything. wonderful! would you talk to him on the phone? of course, success hasn't gone to my head, i talk to anybody. wonderful. why are we smiling? i don't know. ed, is that you? yeah. ed, i, uh, i'm with mr. george burns, uh, he'd lie to say a few words to you. well, ok. but tell him to make it snappy. ricky starr is on t.v. in a few minutes. he's--he's on phone now, huh? my horse. yeah. hello, horse? hello, burns? you're a horse and you talk, huh? yes, but not to you. goodbye. [phone slams]

honestly, that was my horse talking. excuse me, i must open the window. oh, why? i'm expecting somebody to fly in here from chicago any minute. i don't believe that you believe that my horse talks. [intercom buzzing] no, i don't. [door opening] (mary) did you buzz, mr. burns? yes, uh, will you show mr. post out? he may have a little trouble finding it by himself. i understand. what if i find a witness? somebody who will testify that my horse really talks. and i don't mean another horse. get a witness and you got a deal. good. well, that should do it for the morning. oh, no, mr. burns. there's a man who just came in who says he hangs from a wire by his teeth and dances the twist.

yeah, but he says he's tattooed all over, and when he does it, you see moving pictures. get rid of him, i'd rather watch television. yes, sir. [laughing] talking horse. [laughing] oh, brother! (addison) hi, wilbur. rog'. rog', you couldn't have come over at a more opportune time. rog', we're good friends, right? of course. i mean, if i wanted you to do me a favor, no questions asked, you'd do it, right? if you paid me back within the week. yeah. it's not money. i want you to be a witness when somebody talks in their sleep. do you think carol will allow me in your bedroom? no, it's isn't carol, it--it's, uh, somebody else. see, he always talks in his sleep after a heavy meal, and i need a witness. so if i phone you, would you rush right over? all right. who is this? remember, rog', no questions asked. good. i'll be waiting for your call.

who are you calling, wilbur? uh, nobody, ed. was he home? look, i--i was just calling the newspaper for tomorrow's weather. why? did you think they'd send it today? now look, ed, you are fighting sleep, and i can't stay here all this time. i've had a hard day and i'm tired myself, so, ed, will you please go to sleep? all right. but, uh, tell me a story. ok. [grunting] [sighing] which story do you want to hear, ed? uh, about cinderella, that kid with the glass slipper is a gas. all right. well, once upon a time, ed, there were 3 sisters, see? now, the youngest of the sisters was called cinderella.

yeah, but her stepmother was very, very cruel to her. that's it. now, it happened that one day a handsome prince passed through their little town. yeah, that's right, wilbur, have a nice sleep. happy, happy dreams. rock-a-bye, bab-- wilbur in the treetop when the wind blows, the cradle will rock congratulations, mister ed, you are the first horse to ever receive a sheepskin. [laughing] it was nothing.

hello, congressmen. [coughing] cough drop, senator? get lost, boy, i'm introducing a new bill. [clearing throat] fellow congressmen, we're getting nowhere with people sense. it's time now for a little horse sense. so that's about it. our boys just weren't able to break this code, and we'll have to have your help again, mister ed. mister ed? i'm sorry, sir. maj. ed. proceed, lieutenant. well, sir, if you could break this code, we'd know just where to drop you over enemy territory. looks easy. but there's something i gotta do first. pilot post. yes, major, sir? scratch my back.

oh, carrot. give me a carrot. it's been 3 days. [german accent] do you tell us your country's secrets, major, or do you starve? never. i have but one life. should i give him the hose? no. he ate the first one. you will save us a lot of trouble, my friend, if you just tell us what we ask you. i have only one thing to say to you rats. what is that? help! the a.s.p.c.a. boys will get you for this! (man) firing squad. ready. aim. fire. fire. fire. fire. fire. no! no! don't shoot! it's all my fault! wh-wh-wh-what's the matter, wilbur? ed! oh, ed. oh, thank heaven you're alive. oh, what a terrible dream. [laughing] funny.

ed, never again will i force you to talk to anybody. never. uh, how about all that money? oh, ed, i'd rather have you than $25,000. i'd rather have you than 25,000 carrots. [laughing] you crazy horse. [laughing] you both have a perfect driving record. no tickets. no accidents... >>that is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. >>yup... now, you would think your insurance company would cut you some slack, right? >>no. your insurance rates go through the roof. your perfect record doesn't get you anything. >>anything. perfect! for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. and if you do have an accident,

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one more lump, please. sorry, ed. no more sugar. please, wilbur, just one more lump. ed, i'm not going to have a horse with cavities. i promise to brush my teeth. i said no, ed. oh... oh, what a secret for one man to keep. ed, you got no idea what a miracle this is. i mean, a horse talking. i know. i didn't believe people talked

[both laughing]