[both laughing] oh, right. [both continue laughing] llllllllllllllllllllllllllo. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed hi, ed. what's this? heh heh. wilbur, how do you like this trick? well, i didn't know you could balance a ball. that's very good! take a bow, ed. you old phoney. a ball on a string. well, sure. i'm a horse, not a seal. what brought all this on, ed? the circus is in town. guess i got... (hiccups) carried away. you got the hiccups? i'll live.

i wanted to run away and join the circus. with your big talent, they'd grab you in a minute for the sideshow. i can just see your billing now. ed the talking horse. yeah, that'd put me with the freaks. well, what do you wanna be with the circus? a trapeze artist. a trap... you? who'd catch you, an elephant? wilbur... (hiccups) would you do me a favor? please take me to see the circus. oh, i can't do that. it'd be half price. i'm under 12. look, i'm going golfing with addison this afternoon. see, it's his birthday, and i promised carol and kay that i'd, i'd get him out of the house while his present's being delivered. it's a big surprise! i'd like to give old lemon-puss a gift. wilbur: you would? yeah. a leaky skin-diver outfit. ed. you should try to like addison. after all, he's our neighbor. i would like him, wilbur, except for one thing.

ed, that is a very narrow-minded attitude. (ed hiccups) you know, a lot of this could be in your own thinking. i feel that deep down inside, roger addison does not dislike you. wilbur, once and for all i demand you sell that old plug. happy birthday, roge! thank you. this skid row animal of yours sneaked into my backyard last night and chewed some of the apples off my tree. many happy returns. thank you. now, wilbur, there is a limit to how much even i can stand. you know, you don't look a day older than... who's asking you? roge, it is not fair of you to burst in here and accuse ed of eating your apples. what proof do you have? proof? i don't need any proof. i can tell by the guilty look on his face. (ed hiccups) ah, there's my proof. every time he eats my apples he gets the hiccups. now, wilbur, i think even you will admit i have been very patient with this gluttonous old nanny goat. now, roge, please, no name-calling. i mean, just because ed hiccuped, that doesn't mean he ate your apples. you can't convict a horse on circumstantial evidence. i saw his hoof prints in my yard.

well, it's not funny to me. you better tie that nag up at night. if he comes sneaking into my backyard again, you and i are going to have trouble. that mean our golf game is off? of course not. you're supposed to keep me out of the house so your wife and my wife can surprise me with my birthday gift. right. but how did you find out about that? well, that's all carol and kay have been gabbing about on the phone for the last two weeks. have you got any idea what we're giving you? no. i sure wish it was a new apple tree. well, i'll get my golf clubs and meet you outside in a few minutes. okay, birthday boy.

you're late for work. you grab your 10-gallon jug of coffee, and back out of the garage. right into your wife's car. with your wife watching. she forgives you... eventually. your insurance company, not so much. they say you only have their basic policy.

of course, they say... as long as you pay extra for it. with a liberty mutual base policy, new car replacement comes standard. and for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. learn more by calling at liberty mutual, every policy is personal, with coverage and deductibles, customized just for you. which is why we don't offer any off-the-shelf policies. switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509. call liberty mutual for a free quote today at see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. kay: oh, sweetie, addison will flip when he sees this gift you're giving him. oh, good. you know, for years he's wanted a fish pond back here. then why didn't he buy one? well, you know my husband. he hates to spend money on himself. or on anybody, come to think of it.

kay: he loved it. you know, i'd better warn you, sweetie. addison is very sentimental. you know when i gave him the jacket he practically cried? oh, you're kidding me, kay. oh, no, i'm not, sweetie. he's just an old softie. you should've seen him at our wedding. he cried so much i almost took pity on him and let him go. oh, you'd never think that roger would be... shh, shh. here they come. i still think you let me win because it's my birthday. hey. what's this? happy birthday, roge. happy birthday, roge! happy birthday, roger. it's from wilbur and carol, sweetie. here come the rains. i've only wanted that fountain... oh... thank you, carol. you're welcome, roger. and thank you, wilbur. just shake hands, roge. wilbur, i'm very deeply touched. i don't know what to say. well, just say you'll spend as much for me on my birthday.

how did you know what it cost? i've been pricing this fountain for years. look! goldfish, too. well, not exactly. they're just gold-plated. the man at the store said that you could start your collection with these. well, they've got some really expensive tropical fish, but... i wouldn't let them spend all that money. why not? oh, no, no, no. oh, no, you've been more than generous. they're beautiful. they're just beautiful. and wilbur, i know exactly the kind of fish i want to add to those. do you want to come down to the store with me now? you sure went all out with these tropical fish, roge. $65. wow. well, these fish are not ordinary. these fish are very rare. personally, i like my fish well-done. you've got a morbid sense of humor. now, the important thing is to get these little fellows in their new home. now let me see. oh, yeah, yeah. these are the celestials. $3.95 each.

hi, ed. you sleep well? terrible. i can't get rid of these hiccups. all night my head kept bouncing like a rubber ball. (hiccups) oh. that'll teach you to stay away from addison's apples. well, if you ask me, those weren't apples. they were mexican jumping beans. (groans) let's see if we can't do something to fix you up, fella. (groaning) ah. here we are. we'll take care of you, kid. (groaning) i want you to take a long drink of water here, without breathing. okay, ed? oh... (hiccups) kay. there. how do you feel? swell, wilbur. it's completely... (hiccups) back again. well, let's see. what else can we do. you know, a couple months ago carol got the hiccups, and she cured them by breathing into a paper bag.

this is the way it works. when you breathe into a paper bag, you build up all of the carbon dioxide in the body and that gets rid of the hiccups. oh. here, just put your head in there. (groaning) atta boy. look, just breathe normally, see. all right? yeah. inhale the good air... (einhaling) exhale the bad air. (ed exhaling) inhale the good air, i mean, the bad air... (ed breathing loudly) exhale the inhale. uh, the good air. the bad air. you're mixing me up. i'm forgetting how to breathe. look! it cured the hiccups. yeah! that's... (hiccups) ed: oh, me. well, look, i'll try one more thing. i want you to turn around and face the wall. okay? oh... (hiccups) kay. come on. turn around and don't look back. (ed sighing)

i won't. wilbur: how do you feel? i thought you shot me. ed. i wouldn't hurt you. nobody's ever gonna hurt you, ed. i'll shoot that horse, i'll kill him... wait a minute, roge. what happened? that blasted nanny goat of yours ate up all my tropical fish. what? oh, no. when did this happen? during the night. he does all his dirty work at night. now, look, roge, i can't believe this. i mean, ed might eat apples, but fish? that horse would eat anything. come on, i'll show you. i should've stood in bed today. shoot, kay, i don't think mister ed could've eaten those fish. well, i don't know, sweetie. first the apples, now this. maybe ed thinks we're running an all-night cafeteria. it just doesn't seem possible. there you are. look for yourself. now do you believe me? he has only two fish left. yours. your horse left only the cheap ones.

i've got a suggestion. say, "roger, here's your $65 back." now, wait a minute. we don't have any proof. proof? when your horse ate my apples he got the hiccups. what do you expect him to do now? swim upstream? kay: oh, addison... keep out of this, kay. now, wilbur, this is the last straw. either you sell that horse, or don't bother to come around here anymore. well, i'm sorry, roge, but i am not selling ed. goodbye, wilbur. come, carol. but... carol. ed: oh. why so busy? why so busy? what is this? a lynching party?

i just lost a good neighbor. because you broke your word. but i didn't, wilbur! i didn't eat the fish. i don't like fish. sorry, ed. i don't believe you. i didn't eat the fish. i didn't eat the fish. (hiccups) that's apples. oh, i wish the boys would make up. wilbur's trying to pretend he doesn't care, but... i know he just feels awful. yeah. my doll too. you know, wilbur's the closest friend addison has had since i've known him. and that includes me. i wish there was something we could do to bring them together. hah. let's face it, sweetie. as long as wilbur keeps mister ed, addison won't budge. where is he now?

the lumber yard? what for? i don't know, sweetie.

building a fence, huh? no. a swimming pool. i want to tell you something, roge. i'm an architect, but i've never seen anybody put in pickets this straight. and the way you've got these crosspieces put in, it's a work of art. i want to congratulate you, roge. shake. i am not talking to you. no, but i'm talking to you. and i always say half a conversation is better than none. what do you say, roge? you know, the boys at the club always say,

"i mean, he's always so well dressed, "so intellectual, so charming..." i never know what to answer them. but now i know what to tell 'em. "he's a fence builder." i'm glad you didn't say anything, roge. that shows character. i'm proud of you, neighbor. shake. again. again you didn't talk. they say silence is golden, and you are the fort knox of our neighborhood. yes, sir. and the way you can paint on one knee. you know, van gogh had to stand up. michelangelo used a ladder. but you? you do it on one knee. shake. what a beautiful job. nobody can paint a hand like you. why, this hand should be hanging in the louvre.

all right, wilbur. all right. you've had your laugh, you've had your joke, you've had your fun. but as long as you keep that horse this fence stays. and you and i are not talking. look, roge, all joking aside, i wanna keep you as my friend. now, i've tied ed up. he can't possibly bother you anymore. i'm not taking any chances. i've just restocked my fish pond, and i don't intend it to be a snack bar for your horse. then this fence stays? the fence stays. in that case, i have a sad story for you, roge. you see that little marker behind you? that marks the boundary between our two houses, and this fence is on my property. what? and as for you being a great fence builder... (chuckles)

there. and just where do you think you are going? i'm running away to join the circus. you are, huh? well, i'm gonna tie you up so you will never get loose. i don't want to stay where people don't take my word. still denying that you ate addison's fish? what do i have to do? establish an alibi? yeah. okay. the night of the crime, i was out shooting pool with jackie gleason. oh, that's very funny. well, you don't believe the truth. yeah, i know, ed. at the time of the fish caper you were standing here in the barn, minding your own business. that's true. i gave you my word of honor. i think your story is fishier than the caper. wilbur, you know why you're the only human i ever talk to? why? because you love animals. you trust them. at least, i thought you did.

no, you won't, wilbur. i'm never talking to you again. well... suit yourself, ed. (sniffling) (sniffling) kay. how do i look? well, addison, you're not going to wear your birthday present to bed. well, no, of course not, i'm just trying it on. how do i look? like a well-dressed zebra. (roger sighing) you're thinking of wilbur? i am not. he's the furthest thing from my mind. you know, doll, wilbur will never let his horse go. if you feel like putting up your fence, put it up. but don't stop talking to wilbur. (cat yowling) i know what i'm doing.

making nightly raids on my property. (cat yowling) those darned cats! that is all i needed, just to have those cats out there. oh, addison, please... they've gone bad enough around here. roger: oh, no. my tropical fish. scram! beat it! go away! go on! come on, cats, out of here. come on. oh, good heavens, go away or addison will kill you. did they get many, doll? i don't know! there's my $4 fish. there's my $3.99 fish. hey, what do you know? they got one of wilbur's 25-cent fish! isn't that wonderful? um, speaking of wilbur, wouldn't you say that you owe him an apology? an apology? what for... oh, you mean for blaming it on his horse? yes, i mean for blaming it on his horse. now come along with mother, doll. no, no. i'll talk to him tomorrow. i'm not dressed. you'll talk to him now, if we have to have a pajama party.

honey, you haven't touched your sandwich. if he won't talk to me anymore, i won't have the heart to go in that barn. what does roger have to do with the barn? hm? that's right, who needs him in the barn? who needs who in the barn? that's exactly the way i feel. i don't need anybody in the barn. now that i got you. kay: are you kids still up? we're in the kitchen, kay. come on in and have a sandwich. whatever's missing, ed didn't take it because he's tied up in the barn and i'm his witness. wilbur, addison has something to say to you. me? wilbur. it seems there were some cats in my backyard... now, just a minute. apples, he'll eat. fish, maybe. but cats, never. wilbur...

hi, fella. look... addison just found out that some cats ate his fish. i'm sorry i didn't take your word. ed. i know you said you'd never talk to me again, and... well, i... look, i... i really can't blame you. i mean, you gave me your word, and... i should've believed you. like i said, i... i got it coming to me, ed. i only hope that someday, maybe you'll forgive me, and

ed: wilbur. ed. you talked! what is it, ed? what do you want? i'll forgive you, if you do me a great favor. anything, ed! just name it, anything. come closer. (inaudible whispering) barker: you have plenty of time to... two? thank you, sir. you have plenty of time to stop here and see the sideshow! and, ladies and gentlemen, the admission price is 25 cents! uh, two tickets, please. two tickets. yes, sir. and thank you very much, sir. now, ladies and gentlemen, the price of admission is 25 cents! thank you, sir. kids are a dime, or $1.20 a dozen. and now, ladies and gentlemen, let me call your attention to these exotic dancers. wilbur: two tickets, please. these girls... how many, sir? two. yeah. two tickets?

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you know, i'm sure glad you decided not to build that fence, roge. mm. yeah, there's one thing about me, wilbur. whenever i'm wrong, i'm the first to admit it. true? well, let's say you're among the first. (telephone ringing) excuse me. hello? wilbur, they're... (hiccups) back again. oh. well, did you try drinking a large bucket of water? you try breathing into a paper bag? couldn't get the bag over your face, eh? well, i'll be right over. right back, roge. where are you going?