so they'll be as happy as you and missy. [doorbell rings] dennis: i'll get it! never mind, dennis. i'll get it. oh, hi, doc. henry. hi, dr. sinclair. hi, dennis. jeepers, i hardly knew you without your white stuff on. how are you? oh, you're fine. i know. is that it, doc? mm-hmm. dennis, why don't you go out and play. have we got some kind of a secret going on around our house? nothing that concerns you. well, hello, dr. sinclair. nice to see you. hello, alice. honey, doc has the p-l-a-q-u-e.

jeepers! every time something interesting goes on, somebody starts spelling. all right. run along. i just hate spelling. he just hates to be left out of anything. why haven't you told him? well, keeping secrets isn't exactly one of dennis's strong points. oh, i see. sit down, doctor. you want to surprise mr. wilson at the luncheon tomorrow, you can't let dennis in on it. i'm dying to see the plaque. oh, yes. of course. of course. oh, it's lovely. isn't it? "this plaque is awarded to george wilson "in recognition of his outstanding service as chairman of the community chest drive." that's nice. when you present that at the luncheon tomorrow, george wilson is gonna be a very surprised and a very happy man. boy, i hate secrets.

and liver. hey, there's mr. wilson. hello, mr. wilson! oh, no. he caught me again. come on, tommy. let's go see good old mr. wilson. how come you're sneaking around in the bushes, mr. wilson? i was not sneaking around in the bushes. i was getting my paper. hey, we got some kind of a secret going on around our house. do you know what it is? no, i don't. i'll probably find out by tomorrow, and then i'll tell you. i won't be here. mrs. wilson and i are going on a week's vacation first thing in the morning. boy, i'll miss you.

[door slams] boy, he sure slammed the door. yeah. it's lucky he didn't do it at my house, or mom would have made him go out and come in again. don't worry, henry. you'll make a fine presentation speech. well, i'm not much of a speaker. i can only promise it'll be loud. i don't want anyone going to sleep. well, i'll see you at the luncheon. okay, doc. whoa, there. hi, dr. sinclair. i guess you could probably tell me what the secret is now, huh? i'm afraid not, dennis. hi, tommy. how's the earache? which one was it in? the right one. i guess it's a little better 'cause i can't feel anything. well, what have you two been up to? we've been over talking to mr. wilson. he's going on a vacation in the morning. what? are you sure? sure, i'm sure.

the first thing in the morning, and he's gonna be gone a week. excuse me, dennis. i forgot something. you forgot your package, didn't you? hmm? oh, yes. the package. come on, tommy. let's go down to the bakery and smell the bread. okay. oh, dr. sin-- an emergency, alice. we have a problem. what is it? wilson won't be at the luncheon tomorrow. why not? dennis just found out he's going away on a week's vacation the first thing in the morning. oh, no. we can't let him. how can we stop him? punch holes in his tires? it's sneaky, but it's a breeze. i'll go next door and tell him someone's moving away and we want him to give the farewell speech at the luncheon tomorrow. now, you know mr. wilson isn't going to give up a chance to make a speech. it's worth a try. but who's moving out of town? well, i'll tell him you're moving, doc. he thinks a lot of you. you can't do that. a doctor doesn't move away from a town

as long as i have in this one. all right. then you go over and tell him i'm moving away. oh, henry. tell him i'm being transferred to new york. it's worth trying. attention people with hearing loss. what i'm about to tell you could change your life. does your hearing loss have you feeling left out? are you finding it harder to hear the tv or telephone? are you afraid you might not hear an alarm or intruder? if left untreated, your hearing loss can get significantly worse. a recent johns hopkins study showed that hearing loss can lead to more serious issues, including dementia. it's time to call hearusa and get a complete hearing checkup -absolutely free. and, aarp members receive expert advice and can purchase digital hearing aids as low as $795 each. i sure wish i hadn't waited so long. i hear so clearly now. i'm back to myself again.

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oh, dr. sinclair. come in. thank you, mrs. wilson. oh, hello, doc. what brings you out this way? two things. first, i want to congratulate you on the job you did for the community chest. well, now, thank you. and make sure you'll be at the men's club luncheon tomorrow. no, no. i'm afraid not this time. see, i've been working pretty hard, night and day you might say, and i thought i'd go up to the lake for a few days. oh. well, heaven knows you deserve it, but i thought you'd be there because of the mitchells. the mitchells? yes. of course you know they're moving away to new york. you must be joking.

hmm. the mitchells going away. well, that's one luncheon i'm going to hate to miss. yeah, too bad. we thought maybe you'd stand up and say a few words and farewell for all of us, you know. a speech? as only you can do, george. well... george, you must. well... we can change our plans. yes, i guess we could. all right, i'll do it. i knew you wouldn't let us down, george. little dennis moving all the way to new york. yes. well, i thank you both very much and i'm sorry i broke into your plans. oh, not at all. george and i love the mitchells. we'd do anything for them. i'd even help dennis pack. good-bye, dr. sinclair. good-bye, mrs. wilson. good-bye, george.

[laughing] oh, i feel terrible. i feel wonderful. you do not. i feel exactly as i did the day the war ended. but inside, you feel just as bad as i do. i think i'll give the mitchells a going away present and i think you ought to get something for little dennis. by golly, i just might do that. a good-bye forever present. oh, poor new york. dennis will probably cause the greatest migration west since gold was discovered in california. you're wrong, mr. wilson. we're not moving to new york. we're not moving at all. we're never gonna move. why, i wouldn't move even if i was the president of the united states. you'd think they'd tell the boy. come on in. you'll see.

tell mr. and mrs. wilson we're not gonna move. say, where is everybody? dennis, stop your shouting. oh, hi, mrs. wilson, mr. wilson. how nice of you to drop in. come on in and sit down. we heard you were moving and we came right over. dr. sinclair told us. hey, dad, we're not. we're not gonna move out of this swell old house, are we? huh, mom? huh, dad? son, what would you say if i told you we were going to move to new york? i'd say holy baloney. now, dennis. i knew i'd find out about that secret, but i didn't think it'd turn out to be something like this. you know, the old neighborhood just won't seem the same without little dennis. i'm not gonna go. i'll just move in with mr. wilson. and me and you can work on your stamp collection together. mitchell,how soon are you leaving? oh, 10 days or so, i guess.

well, i don't know. i've never flown before. maybe-- gee, neither have i! are we going on a jet? a good old jet? i suppose. wow! a jet! i've never been up in one, and i've wanted to all my life. all right, dennis. i guess when i do go up, i'll have the pilot go through the sound barrier. oh, isn't that sweet. the confidence of youth. hey, mom. yes, dennis? i'm kind of looking forward to going to new york. well, we're certainly going to miss you, dennis. i know, and i'm gonna miss you, too. well, so long, mrs. armstrong. bye, dennis. hi, mrs. holland. hello, dennis. guess what. i'm moving to new york on a jet. you are? sure. my dad got a big promotion. i guess he's in charge of the whole thing back there. why, that's wonderful, dennis.

i know. everybody is. and i'm gonna miss you, too. well, bye, mrs. holland. good-bye, dear. that's certainly a piece of news, isn't it? i can hardly believe it. such a nice family. alice is one of the sweetest women i know. i just love her. if anybody needs any help, alice is always right there. i know. you know, there's a little teapot at detwilers she's been drooling over for months. i think i'm going to get it for her as a going away present. oh, that's a lovely idea. i think i'll pick up something, too. why don't we go shopping together this afternoon? fine, just let me get my clothes out of the dryer. so henry's going to be in charge of the new york operation. isn't it wonderful? you know, i'm just thinking. my kid brother will be graduating from business college in a couple of weeks, and he hasn't lined up a job yet. why don't you have him talk to henry? that's what i was thinking. i'll have him drop by and see henry tonight. it's a wonderful speech, henry. it'll make mr. wilson very happy.

[doorbell rings] i'll get it! hi, mr. wilson. hello there, dennis. is your father home? in here, mr. wilson. oh, what a nice surprise. it's even nicer than you think. i'd like you to meet mr. robert doubleday. mr. and mrs. mitchell. how do you do? and this is dennis. hi, dennis. mr. doubleday is from the kansas chapter of my lodge. he's thinking of buying a home here in town. oh? so knowing that yours would be for sale, i persuaded him to come over and take a look at it. oh, you shouldn't have-- gone to the trouble. what are friends for, mitchell? well, take him through. and put a good, stiff price on it. [laughs] [forced laughs] you know, i watched this house being built. there's no green lumber in this place. [stamps foot] mm-mmm. solid.

well, uh... we're asking an awful price for it, probably far more than it's worth. are you going to show him through, or do i have to do it myself? all right. i'll show you the upstairs first. mr. wilson, why don't you wait down here with henry and dennis. mr. doubleday and i will just be a little while. all right, alice. i have a boy back in kansas just about your age. how'd you like a piggy back ride? sure! come on. hop on here.

terrible news, henry. our house doesn't have enough bedrooms for mr. doubleday's family. isn't that too bad. jeepers, you could use bunk beds. it's a nice house, but i'm afraid it's not for us. well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. don't worry, mitchell. i'll dig up another prospect for you.

good-bye, mr. doubleday. good-bye. oh, i'll be over later with mrs. wilson. we want to spend as much time as we can with you now that you're leaving. dennis, you go upstairs and straighten your room. it was a mess. jeepers, if we're gonna move, what difference? march, young man. okay. henry, what a situation. that's nothing. while you were upstairs, john williams dropped by to put in a pitch for my so-called old job. oh, no. oh, yes. [telephone rings] i'll get it! hello? long distance? oh, hi, grandpa. guess what. we're moving to new york. in about 10 days--

we're going on a jet. here, let me talk to daddy, honey. daddy, hello. oh, well, i'll write you about that. no, don't drive down. i'll write you a letter and explain-- but daddy, it's over 200 miles. daddy, no. wait for my letter-- now, dad-- [hangs up] hello? he's leaving for here first thing in the morning. i guess he wants to say good-bye to us, huh? [doorbell rings] i'll get it. it's okay, honey. we'll call him back when dennis goes to sleep. hi. hi. your father home? sure. that's him. i'm mr. mitchell. hello. i'm howard turner. i guess you know my sis, dorothy holland? oh, sure. come on in. honey, this is mrs. holland's brother, howard turner. how do you do, howard? how do you do, mrs. mitchell? this is our son dennis. oh, yes. i've heard of him...from sis.

i took a bath over at her house? yeah, that's right. this is the first we've heard of it. sure. i was just a little kid and i did it in her bird bath. oh, for heaven's sakes. come on in and sit down, howard. thank you. i hope you don't mind my dropping in like this, but when sis told me you were taking over the new york operation of your company, well, i just had to come by. i'll be finishing business college in a couple of weeks and i'm gonna be looking for a job. well-- i've always wanted to live in new york, and i was just hoping there might be a place for me in your company. well, i don't think-- i don't expect a big job or big pay. just enough to get me started while i prove myself. honey, i think you'd better take dennis into the kitchen for a minute. what's going on here? have we got some kind of another secret going on around here? come on, dennis. are people gonna start spelling and all that stuff?

i'll explain it all to you when they get into the kitchen. hello, mr. wilson. hi, mrs. mitchell. hi, mr. wilson. hi, dennis. martha will be over in just a minute. she's wrapping something. heh heh heh. how come you're smiling at me like that? am i unbuttoned someplace? why, no. i'm smiling because i like you. i brought you a little going away present. oh, you shouldn't have done that, mr. wilson. sure, he should. dennis can't accept that, mr. wilson. sure, i can. i want the boy to have it. i know it's something he's wanted for a long time. sure, i have. what is it? open it up and see. wow! thanks, mr. wilson. a real bugle. [toot] great scott. that's going to drive you out of your mind. oh, that's all right. besides, it'll only be for a few days. well, hello there, howard. what brings you out this way?

was going to be in charge in new york and i'm gonna be looking for a job in a couple weeks. oh. well, don't worry. he'll find a place for you. smart boy. i'm sure he is, but i haven't taken over yet. [doorbell rings] well, that's okay. i'm not through school for a few weeks yet. alice, dear alice, i'm gonna miss you so when you go to new york. gladys, we haven't exactly gone yet. oh, here's a little something to remember me by. i couldn't possibly-- [telephone rings] excuse me just a minute, please. i'll just wait in the living room. hello? long distance? hello? oh, uncle ernie. how did you find out? daddy shouldn't have told you that because-- [doorbell rings] will somebody get that, please? dennis: i'll get it. hi, mrs. holland. come on in. we're having a regular party. thank you, dennis. everybody's here, mrs. holland.

yes, i know you're in real estate. yes, uncle ernie. oh, no! not you, uncle ernie. yes, of course we'd let you handle it. what will your title be, henry? vice president? oh, no. not that. manager, i suppose. yeah, i guess something like that. i can type 55 words a minute, sir. oh. now, uncle ernie, please don't feel hurt. you know we love you. yes, we do. we adore you. tell him about the comptometer, howard. oh, yes. i can also operate a comptometer. now, you just try and tell me that you can't use a young man with qualifications like howard's. hi, folks. i'm matt mccoy. for people as experienced as you and me... [ tires screech ]

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[doorbell rings] oh, excuse me. i hear the doorbell. uncle ernie, please don't cry.

oh, mrs. wilson. hello, henry. alice. uncle ernie, i'll call you right back. i'll explain the whole thing. yes. good-bye. alice, this is one of my most treasured possessions. it's been in the family for over 100 years. i want you to have it. mrs. wilson, i couldn't possibly take it. henry, something's got to be done. maybe we'd better move to new york. we'd better go in there and explain the whole thing. mrs. wilson, would you go in the living room, please? well, yes, henry. hi, mrs. wilson. hi, dennis. gladys, dorothy. you know my brother howard. may i have your attention for a moment please? you're looking very solemn, henry. i'm feeling very solemn. quite innocently, i've made all of you the victims of a hoax. we're not moving to new york. what's that?

[everyone talking] great scott, the bugle. how come we're not moving to new york? dennis, you'd better give me the bugle. give him the bugle, dennis. and i'm going to return your gifts to all of you. we lied to you, mr. wilson, so that you'd be at the luncheon tomorrow. it's to honor you for your generous contribution in time and money for the community chest. a luncheon for me? that's right, mr. wilson. well, that is a surprise. here, dennis. you keep the bugle. [playing off key] so, you see, son, it was just a story to fool mr. wilson into staying for the luncheon. do you understand? sure. it was just a fib, like when i told the kids you were tattooed. well, not exactly.

and not watch tv. dennis, it's not the same thing. what we told mr. wilson, dennis, was just a little white lie. what color was mine? your turn. well, a white lie is something that makes someone happy. you saw how mr. wilson laughed when we confessed to him. sure. aw, then you do understand. sure, i guess you should have told him the truth in the first place, huh? i guess we should have. and then you could have watched tv instead of going to your room. that's what happened to me when i told a fib. but the fights are on tonight. yes, i know, and you just lost. well, i guess i'll go up and get a good night's sleep. good night, dennis. good night, mom. coming in, henry? i guess so. good night, dad.

[music] [telephone rings] hello. oh, yes, mrs. webster. yes, dennis is right up in his room. did he do anything wrong? that's good. you're interested in dennis for the community pageant? well, i don't think... really? oh, in that case, i'm sure dennis would love it. alice: dennis? mom, i've told you and told you.

i'm sorry, tex. can i see you down here in the south 40? coming, partner. and joey, it's 5 minutes of 4:00. if you expect to get home by 4:00, you'd better hurry. okay. bye, joey. bye. bye, joey. what do you want, mom? dennis, i've just had a phone call from mrs. webster. oh. what'd she want? dennis, you're standing on my feet again. that's a very bad habit you've gotten into lately. am i too heavy? yes, you are. now, mrs. webster wants to talk to you about being in the community pageant. oh, no. not me. i wouldn't do it for a million dollars. all right. it's up to you. you don't have to. that's good, 'cause i don't want to. i think you will when you find out who else is going to be in it. i don't wanna be-- who?

whip crawford. is whip crawford gonna be in it? that's what mrs. webster said. boy, man, whip crawford. boy, am i glad i'm gonna be in that good old pageant. now, wait a minute. hold on. mrs. webster's just going to come talk to you about it. it isn't settled yet. why isn't it settled? why not? because mrs. webster is going to talk to lots of little boys. she wants to find just the right one, so you must be very polite. boy, i sure hope she picks me. mrs. webster is a very, um... dignified lady, so you must be careful of what you say. now, why don't you go upstairs and clean up a little. okay. i'll wash my hands and face... and neck and ears. that's a good boy. you know what? i think i'll even take a whole bath. i understand mrs. webster's coming over to see you.

with whip crawford. dennis, you're standing on my foot again. am i too heavy? well, not for me, but i want to warn you not to stand on mrs. webster's foot. she might not like it. okay, dad. let's see now. where were we? we were talking about baths. mom took one, too. well, good for her. why don't you take one? well, i don't think i have time. besides, i just came up here to give you a couple of pointers on how to make a good impression. oh, i know how to make a good impression, dad. i learned from you. i'm glad to hear that. sure. it's like when your boss comes to dinner. i'm gonna do the same thing with mrs. webster. everything she says, i'm gonna laugh real loud and say, that's a good one, mrs. webster. you'll do no such thing. you just be polite, act natural, and don't stand on mrs. webster's foot. okay, dad. where's your tie? oh, there's one thing i want to warn you.

oh. is she fat? well, yes, but if you mention it, it'll hurt her feelings. okay, dad. did you warn mom? yes, everybody's been warned. oh, and one thing more. your mother will be serving something, so be careful. you mean spilling? i mean spilling. okay, dad, but you better tell her not to give me any milk, 'cause i've been having a lot of trouble

eaea, mrs. webster? oh, thank you, mrs. mitchell. well, here i am. dennis, this is mrs. webster. how do you do, mrs. webster? hello, dennis. my, don't you look nice. this is my sunday suit. it's very good looking. everything i have on is clean, and i'm wearing my new underwear. that's enough about your clothes, dennis. i took a bath just before you came. so did mom.

she didn't have time to clean it. dennis! dad didn't have time to take a bath, but he took a shower this morning, so he's not too dirty. dennis. why don't you come over here so we can get know each other. all right. careful, dennis. why, is something the matter? she's afraid i'm gonna stand on your foot. oh, i see. [laughs] would you like my dish of ice cream? i haven't touched it. i'm afraid it's too close to dinner. much too close. they're afraid i might spill it on you. oh, i see. well, i'm sure you'll be very, very careful. of course, my dress has just come back from the cleaners. okay, mom? okay.

watch out! oh, henry! i'm terribly sorry, mrs. webster. that was very clumsy of me. and he's over 30. well, accidents will happen, apparently. why don't you tell us more about the pageant, mrs. webster? the pageant? oh, yes. the pageant. well, it depicts the settling of our town and the fighting off the indians. i wrote it myself. how nice. where is it going to be held? i was fortunate enough to get the kirkwood playhouse. you don't say. yes. it took quite a bit of doing.

after all, you carry a great deal of weight in this community. i thought we weren't gonna talk about that. talk about what? she didn't mean it, mrs. webster. it just slipped out. what slipped out? what she said about you being fat. dennis, you misunderstood your mother. who else around here is fat? dennis, i didn't mean anything like that at all. tell us more about the pageant, mrs. webster. i'm looking for a little boy to play the part of the town founder's son. mr. whip crawford is going to play the part of the founder. you know, i was his third grade schoolteacher. really? yes, oh, yes. so last month, when i heard he was coming to town for personal appearances, i telephoned his studio and he agreed to appear in our pageant.

he's not an actor. he's a cowboy. do i get to be in it? well... i sure wanna be. i wanna be in that pageant with whip crawford more than anything in the whole world. well, it's between you and johnny brady. i'll tell you what you do. you come to the playhouse tomorrow at 10:00, and i'll try you both out. gee, that's swell, mrs. webster. all right. thank you. i'm so sorry about spilling my tea on your dress. i hope you'll allow me to pay for the cleaning. oh, certainly not. i wouldn't think of it. well, that's very big of you. there you go, talking about her size again. dennis, that isn't what i meant. i'm sorry, mrs. webster. good afternoon. well, i behaved pretty good,

girls, over here. into the cabin area. that's it. there you are. fine. fine. now let's see. psst. mrs. webster: this is a window. the indians start... what do you want? i wanna be in the pageant with whip crawford. so what? so do i. but i wanna be in it bad enough to give this for it. what is it? it's my own personal turtle. oh, now, children, while we're waiting for mr. crawford to come, i'm going to show you what you're supposed to do. come here, indians. now, listen, boys. come here. come here. that's right. when i give you a signal, i want you to start creeping on your hands and knees toward the cabin.

oh, and girls, of course you're terribly frightened, so you go up here and cower in this corner. you know, you're really frightened. and your brother is here, helping your brave father keep off the indians by loading the muskets. and remember: realism. realism. oh, oh, johnny? johnny brady, we'll start with you first. johnny's decided that he doesn't want to be in it, so do i get the part? well, i guess so, but for pity's sake, whatever made him change his mind? well, he doesn't like whip crawford

arartner, i'd be mighty proud to give you my autograph. well, it's like we say when we're out riding the range: if a cowpoke won't give his autograph to a friend,

partners, i wanna think of all of you as my friend. gee, thanks, whip. and i'm gonna keep tuning in every friday night. you do that, son. i got some mighty exciting adventures coming up... if'n my blame writers can think of 'em. my feet hurt. kids, you can have 'em. all these personal appearances are killing me. you know what i'm gonna do till them reporters get up here? i'm just gonna soak my poor little old feet. what about the pageant you agreed to appear in for that mrs. webster? well, mrs. webster can go soak her little old head. my feet are killing me. you know, i think sensitive feet run in my family. my ma had sensitive feet. will you forget about your feet? and you can't run out on the pageant. the press would tear you to pieces. you just let me handle them reporters. i'll swear i never heard of mrs. webster

are we gonna start without whip crawford? well, evidently, mr. crawford has been detained, so we'll go through it once and i'll play his part while we're waiting for him. jeepers, mrs. webster. you? yes, me. now, children, this is a window and i am shooting at the indians and dennis is loading the muskets. oh, dennis, do you know how? sure, i know how from watching tv. where's the gunpowder and the bullets? oh, no, no, no, dear. we're not really going to load, you know. this is just make believe. now, indians, start creeping toward the cabin. that's right, creep. cower, girls.

now then, i'll start shooting. bang! get me another loaded musket, dennis, before they get here. all right, boys. all right, indians, creep. creep. bang! cower, girls. excuse me, mrs. webster, but you're banging. i beg your pardon? you're banging. you gotta kapow. i've got to what? when you shoot, you gotta go kapow, like that: kapow. kapow? oh, oh, oh. kapow. oh, all right. all right now, indians, once again. start creeping toward us. that's it. that's it. kapow! oh, indians. you're not doing it right at all. now, you must act like indians. you must think like indians.

excuse me, mrs. webster, but i got a friend that's a very good indian, so i know how. would you like me to tell 'em how to creep up on us right? well, all right, dennis. all right. come on, fellas. look, what kind of an indian would go to right up to a window and get shot? indians were plenty smart, boy. mrs. webster: hurry up, dennis. okay, mrs. webster. you want this to be a surprise attack? all right, make it a surprise. now, we wanna do this good for mrs. webster, so instead of doing it like dumb indians from the front, you guys sneak around back and come up behind mrs. webster. okay? well, are they all ready? they sure are, mrs. webster. good. let's get started. and remember, everybody:

all right, now, indians. come on. creep. indians? indians, where are you? they're creeping, mrs. webster. well, i don't see them. it's a surprise attack. well, for heaven sake, where are they? come on, you guys. [war whoops] i guess the indians won, huh, mrs. webster? that's perfectly ridiculous. the indians can't win. where in the world is that whip crawford so we can get this thing done right? that's what i'd like to know. well, i'm going to telephone his hotel. come on, whip. get your feet out of the water. get your boots on. we can't keep the press waiting.

put your boots on, please? what if i just wore my slippers? i'll explain to them reporters that i got very sensitive feet. now, that would be just dandy. what a story they'd make out of that. i can just see it: whip crawford revealed as tenderfoot. boy, they'd laugh you off the tv screens. all right. all right. [telephone rings] hello? he can't come to the phone. this is his manager speak--his mana-- rehearsal? what rehearsal? oh, you must be mistaken, mrs. webster. if whip crawford had agreed to appear, i'm sure he would have told me about it. positively impossible, lady. whip crawford is having a press conference.

you should have heard what mrs. webster said about him. she said she called him up and he wouldn't even talk to her. did she say why? mrs. webster says it's because he's gotten a big head. you know what i told her? i told her you gotta have one to fill a 10-gallon hat. true. true. i bet i could go down there and talk to him, he'd be in our pageant. you better forget it, dennis. you couldn't get

jeepers, it'd only take a minute. not a chance. whip crawford has given special orders he's not to be bothered by any kids.

mister-- shh, shh, shh. desk. yes, sir. i passed the order on to room service. but i... oh, i'm sorry, sir. tell mr. crawford his coffee will be up any minute. was that whip crawford's room? yes, it was. now will you run along, little boy? i have things to do. i bet they take whip crawford's coffee up in that elevator right over there, won't they? why, of course not. they use the service elevator in the back. and when i get a little more loot in my old saddle bag, i'm gonna set up a home for boys like that so they can breathe clean air, where they can learn to ride a horse and handle cattle and bulldog a steer, things like that, so they'll be prepared later on in life if they get a tv show of their own. maybe the western cycle will be over by then, mr. crawford. you hold on there, now, mister.

westerns are clean tv, and they teach the american way. [knock on door] that must be the coffee now. oh, come on in. much obliged to you, partner. yes, sir. and here's a little something for your trouble. thank you, sir. all right, partners. crawl up around this here chuckwagon and grab yourself a hunk of that there coffee. excuse me, whip, but i gotta talk to you. where'd you come from? i came up in the service elevator to see you. just what did you want to see him about? you don't wanna get him started. this kind of thing happens all the time. come on, kid. out in the hall. they told me downstairs that you didn't want to be bothered by kids, but i know that's wrong 'cause you love 'em. he does. he does. i love kids. i'll shake your hand and give you my autograph and you run on downstairs, huh, partner? am i your partner?

we'll shake hands and then i'll give you my autograph. partner, you're standing too close. you know what i came up to talk to you about, partner? what? i came up to talk to you about-- careful, partner. being in the pageant. oh, son. i like it better when you call me partner. partner, you just gotta move back a little bit. what's the matter, whip? you got sore feet? well... certainly not. heck, no. whip's the toughest cowboy in the whole world. aren't you, partner? you bet your life. wouldn't you like to go over and sit in that nice big chair, partner? i'm not tired. he's so full of muscles that it didn't even hurt him when they tied him up with barbed wire. right, partner? kid, what did you want to talk to me about? the pageant you promised to be in for mrs. webster. partner, you're on my-- i'm on your foot, aren't i?

well... i bet i could stand here all day and it wouldn't hurt 'cause he's so tough. right, partner? well... right. talk fast, son. well, it all started when mrs. webster called my mom and wanted to know if wanted to be in the pageant. at first i said no-- faster, kid. then i heard that you were gonna be in it, so i said i would. and then i went to the rehearsal and you weren't there-- son, can't you make this just a little bit shorter? what's this, whip? backing out on our pageant? heck, no. that's what mrs. webster said, but i know she's wrong. when whip crawford gives his word, he keeps it. what about the pageant, whip? i plumb forgot about it. partner, you just gotta stand back a little bit... so i got room enough to stand up. art, you're slipping. you should have reminded me about that there pageant. are we going right now? we sure are, partner.

why, sure we can. wait a minute. we do it like this. i stand on his feet. now walk. oh, partner.

starring barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont tony dow and jerry mathers

(cheerful music) - [wally] hi, mom, hi, dad. - hi, wally. - good morning, wally. well how's track practice going these days? - okay, dad. they cut eddie haskell from the squad yesterday. - oh, what was the matter? - well we were having time trials and he loosened peewee logan's starting block. when the gun went off, peewee fell flat on his face. - i don't think that was very funny.

he chased eddie right off the field. - [june] seems to me eddie's always doing something like that. - yeah. he says that's the way jerry lewis got started. (audience laughs) - [beaver] hi, mom, hi, dad, hi, wally. - [june] hi there, beaver. - [ward] good morning, beaver. uh, beave ... (audience laughs) - [beave] dad, can i have 20 cents for flowers for miss landers? - what's the occasion? - [beaver] she's sick. - oh, well that's too bad. is she gonna be out long? - well i guess so. we're spendin' four dollars. when she was sick with the flu we only spent $2.50. (audience laughs) - there you are, beaver. - [beaver] thanks, dad. - hey, beave, you know who your substitute's gonna be? - we're not havin' a substitute. mrs. rayburn, the principal's, taking over till miss landers get back. - boy, you better watch your step with miss rayburn teachin' ya. - well, sure, when she just comes in and says, "good morning," you know you can't mess around. (audience laughs) - well, children, i think we've all had time to finish our maps of africa. mr. whitney, would you care to collect them? - yes, mrs. rayburn. - yes, judy?

- why don't you collect them on this side of the room, and, whitey, you collect them on the other side? (cheerful music) - put mine on the bottom. (audience laughs) - you know, children, i was thinking instead of our regular homework assignment, we might try something different for tomorrow. thank you, judy. thank you, whitey. you know, i thought instead of our usual assignment of homework, we could write an original composition. i'm gonna leave the subject up to the class. do we have any suggestions? yes, whitey? - how 'bout submarines? - no, i don't think that's fair to the girls. yes, judy? - charles fredericks is chewing gum. (audience laughs) - thank you, judy. i was going to speak to charles about that after class. (audience laughs) yes, richard? - can we write about movie stars?

(audience laughs) - well, i think we better have some more suggestions. yes, theodore? - tigers? - no, theodore, i don't think so. (audience laughs) yes, larry? - well, mother's day is soon and we could write about our mothers. how we love 'em and pray for 'em, how they fix our lunch, and they wash our dirty clothes and everything. - well, larry, that's a very good idea. but instead of our writing about our mothers as they are now, suppose we write about our mothers as they were before they were married? oh, i'm sure that you have mothers with very interesting backgrounds and careers. yes, judy? - my mother was head buyer for a big department store. - see that? - she bought for ladies ready to wear. - [mrs. rayburn] yes, richard? - my mother was a wac in the army. - [mrs. rayburn] well then, children, it's all settled.

our mothers did before they married. yes, theodore? - 50 words? (school bell rings) - that's right. class dismissed. larry, will you place this world globe back on the shelf, please? - yes, mrs. rayburn. (cheerful music) - [beaver] hey, larry, what did your mother do before she was married? - she was a dental nurse. that's how she met my father. he had cavities. (audience laughs) - oh. - my mother says if my father didn't have cavities, i never would have been born. - maybe she would've married somebody else who had cavities. - i don't know, she didn't say. hey, what did your mother do, beaver? - she never told me. maybe she just hung around and did nothin'. (audience laughs) (cheerful music) - dear, beaver's in the den. he'd like to talk to you about something.

couldn't you find out what it is? - nope, he insists on talking to you. - well, all right, come on, here, you finish these. watch out, that water's hot. - now, june, i've done hundreds of dishes since we were married. - all right, dear. (ward chuckles) - ow! (audience laughs) - did you want to see me, beaver? - yeah, mom. when you were a girl, what'd you do besides wait around for dad to come and marry ya? (audience laughs) - you been talking to your father? - no, i've been talking to wally. i gotta write a composition about what ya did when you were a girl. - oh. well, i went to boarding school and i spent my summers with aunt martha. - did you ever have an exciting job? - well, one christmas vacation i worked in a department store. - were ya head buyer? (audience laughs) - hmm? - judy hensler's mother was a head buyer for ready to wear. - (chuckles) oh no, honey, i worked in the book department. i sold red books and green books and yellow books. - and i'll bet ya sold so many books that they

- [june] well, no, beaver. after about five days i had my sales slips so mixed up they let me go. - oh. ever have any other kind of exciting job? - well during the war i worked for the uso. - is that the same as the wacs? did you go overseas? (audience laughs) - well, no, beaver, that was right here in mayfield. you see, every thursday night i'd go down and i'd help them serve coffee and sandwiches to the soldiers and the sailors. - gee, mom, didn't ya ever do anything exciting before you stopped being a girl? - well, once at summer camp i won a blue bathing cap at swimming meet. - that's pretty good, mom. (audience laughs) - well, i better go finish my dishes. who thought of writing about mothers? - larry mondello. - well wasn't that sweet of larry? - he's sweet about a lot of things. he even gets mad if ya step on bugs. (audience laughs) - well what'd beaver want? - oh, he's writing a composition

i hope i was exciting enough for him. - well, dear, you were exciting enough for me. - you're just saying that because you want me to finish the dishes. - that's right, dear. (audience laughs) - [wally] hey, how'd ya make out with mom? - well, pretty good. she won a blue bathing cap for swimmin' and served coffee to soldiers and had a job in a book store for five whole days. (audience laughs) - gee, i never knew all that. she won a cap for swimmin', huh? boy, now when we go to the beach ya can hardly drag her near the water. - yeah, i guess that's 'cause when you're married you don't care about havin' fun anymore. (audience laughs) - yeah. - [judy] and then she was promoted to buyer for the dresses and got a salary of $175 a week. - [class] whoa! - she was going to be made general manager of the store when she decided to get married. - [mrs. rayburn] well that was very interesting, judy.

all right, larry. (audience laughs) - mother by lawrence mondello. my mother was a dental nurse before she was married. she had to go to school for three years to learn how to be a dental nurse. when she passed her test as a dental nurse she got a job as a dental nurse with a dentist. (audience laughs) - [mrs. rayburn] good, larry. yes? - i'm proud of my mother too. (audience laughs) - [mrs. rayburn] you have reason to be. she was apparently very much of a success in her chosen field. yes, larry? - she was a dental nurse. (audience laughs) - yes, i know. all right, richard. - my mother. my mother joined the wacs during the last war. she started out as a private, but after six months, she got promoted to a corporal. (audience laughs) then she was sent overseas and was promoted to a captain. and she got a medal for doing more than her duty.

a dinner and free suitcases for serving her country. - [mrs. rayburn] well, richard, your mother had a very exciting career. to be promoted from a private to a captain was quite an honor. very well, theodore. - i haven't got mine. - why not, theodore? - well i don't know. - well did you forget to write it, lose it, or what? - well, somethin' happened to it. - [mrs. rayburn] i see. well we won't finish reading all of them today. just make sure you have it here tomorrow, theodore. - yes, ma'am. - [mrs. rayburn] without fail. - yes, ma'am.

- here ya are, dear. let's go. - let's go where? - we're due at the rutherfords' to play bridge. when they called up two weeks ago you told me to make the date tonight. - oh, well, when i said that i was just trying to put it off as long as possible. ya know, sort of operating on the theory that tomorrow never comes. - well tomorrow is here, dear, so come on, put your coat on. - come on, wally. - look, beaver, i got a geometry test. i can't help ya with your composition. - but gee, wally, some of the guys even got heroes for moms. i can't make my mom sound like she's nothin'. - well look then, why don't ya write it up like a poem? that always makes junk sound better. - heck, even a poem wouldn't make gettin' fired from a book store sound good. - well, i'm busy, beaver, but why don't you go ask mom? if she knows you're in trouble, she'll help ya out. - no. i'd be too ashamed to tell her i'm not gettin' anyplace with her life. (audience laughs)

- [beaver] hi. - [june] hi. - you guys goin' out tonight? - uh-huh, we're gonna play bridge with the rutherfords. - you fellas have a lot of homework to do? - yeah, dad, wally's jammin' geometry in his head and i gotta finish my composition. - how's your composition coming? - oh, pretty good, mom. i got an extra day so i'm fixin' it up. - that's the way to do it, beaver. well, you fellas behave yourselves. - goodnight, wally. - goodnight, mom. - beaver, before you go to bed, i want you to take a bath. - yes, mom. - okay, goodnight. - night. - goodnight. - well, beaver, don't just sit there and look dumb. if you're gonna look dumb, go somewhere else and look dumb. - okay, i'll go downstairs and look dumb. (audience laughs) - before ya start goofin' off, ya better take your bath. - yeah, you'd think with all my other problems at least i wouldn't have to take a bath. (audience laughs)

- [voiceover] laura, it's really a pleasure to welcome you to my show. - [voiceover] it was nice of you to ask me, frank. - [frank] (chuckles) you know, laura, you had a colorful and exciting career. and i'm sure that my audience out there would be very interested in how you achieved this tremendous success. - [laura] well, i'll start off by telling you that to become a success on broadway is a long, hard, struggle (chuckles). - [frank] i can well imagine. - [laura] it doesn't happen overnight. - [frank] i'm sure it doesn't. for my audience, why don't you start from the beginning? - [laura] well, i guess the beginning was when i was 17 years old. - mmhmm. - and my parents wanted me to be a school teacher. - school teacher (chuckles)? - but i wanted to go on the stage. so it ended up with me running away from home. oh, i don't recommend that, but it did get me started. - i understand (mumbling). now where did you go first?

and i tried to get a job as a chorus girl, but ... - [frank] with all these obstacles, what did ya do? - [laura] well, i was running out of money so i just took dancing jobs any place i could get them. i don't know what they call them now, but they used to call them dives. (laura laughs) - laura, just how did ya get your break? i mean how long was it before somebody recognized that you had talent and your career really started to go up? - [laura] well ... - well, i think we can close our arithmetic books and then we'll get back to our compositions. let's see, who was the last one to read his yesterday? - richard was the last one, but beaver didn't have any. (audience laughs) - i have mine today, mrs. rayburn. - well, very well, theodore, we'll start with you. i had to use more than 50 words 'cause my mother's such a big success. - well that's perfectly all right.

my famous mother ran away from home when she was 17 to be a dancer. she tried to get a job dancing as a ... chorus girl. that's a lady who dances in her bare feet. (class laughs) but she couldn't, so she got a job dancing in dives. also beer parlor joints. - your mother? - yeah. - wow. - one day a big gangster put my famous mother in a show and she was a big success. - boy, gangsters! (audience laughs) - yeah. then the gangster got arrested but my mother didn't. she was in five more shows but quit when she married my father who was a tap dancer. - well, theodore, that was very interesting. (audience laughs) - thank you, mrs. rayburn. (audience laughs)

- hi, dad. - hi, beave. - what ya doin'? - i'm cooking dinner. - gee, i thought you could only cook outside. i didn't know you could cook inside. - sure i can. i used to cook for my fraternity brothers when i was in college. - gee, dad, that's neat. if ya ever got fired, you could get a job workin' at a diner. - [ward] you bet i could, beaver. - where's mom? - oh, she left a note. she went over to school to talk to mrs. rayburn about something. - oh. - you know what it's all about? - no, i don't know what it's all about. (audience laughs) (boiling) (audience laughs) - [wally] oh, hi, dad. - hello, wally. - hey, how come the kitchen's all messed up? - wally, the kitchen is not all messed up. your mother's out and i'm cooking dinner.

hey, dad? i think that's the brush that mom usually cleans bottles with. (audience laughs) - oh. well, let's just not say anything about it, shall we? - sure, it's okay with me. (audience laughs) hey, you want me to put some more water in the corn? (ward clears his throat) - wally, did you ever hear that too many cooks spoil the broth? - oh, sure, dad, i'll get lost. (audience laughs) - hey, beaver? hey, beaver! - [beaver] go away, wally. (audience laughs) - [wally] hey, beaver, what are ya doin' sittin' in there? - i'm sittin' in here so nobody can get at me. - what are ya talkin' about? - well i wrote a composition about mom and it was a whole bunch of lies.

and as soon as she gets home everybody's gonna jump on me. (audience laughs) - well sure, but they'll find ya in there. - i know, but until they do, i feel kinda safe sittin' in here. - yeah, i know. when i was a kid i used to hide under the bed. - well then did you pretend you dissolved into nothin', and when they came to get ya alls they could find was your clothes? (audience laughs) - 'course not. what do you think i was, a kook or somethin'? - well go away, will ya, wally? (sad music) - "one day a big gangster put my famous mother "in a show and she was a big success. "then the gangster got arrested but my mother didn't. "she was in five more shows but quit when she "was married to my father who was a tap dancer." (audience laughs) don't you dare laugh. - oh, i'm not laughing, dear. what did miss rayburn say? - well of course she knew it was all made up. - well that's something to be thankful for.

dear, can you imagine what's gonna happen when the other children go home and tell their parents that i was a chorus girl who danced in beer joints? - yep. i'm afraid this kills your chances for mother of the year. (audience laughs) - but, ward, why would beaver make up a thing like this? - because he loves you. - loves me? - sure. and he wants you to be the most glamorous, exciting mother in the whole world. want some coffee? - no thanks. well i'm sorry i let him down. - oh, it's not a question of that. you know how kids are. didn't you once tell all your friends at boarding school that your mother was a movie star? - well, yes i did, but she made me get up in front of the whole school and tell 'em i made it up. - well, you want to do that to beaver? - well, no, dear, but we can't let him get away with making up things like this. - of course we can't. what did miss rayburn suggest? - well, she said that she'd talk to him,

- yeah. well, i guess you -- (sizzling) oh my gosh, my steaks! (audience laughs) - [june] oh, honey! oh, honey, i'll take care of these. you go on up and talk to beaver. (audience laughs) oh. - dad, is mom mad at me for makin' her up a chorus girl? - no, she's not mad at you because we both understand why you did it. - does mrs. rayburn understand? - i think she does. - well if everybody understands, how come you're yellin' at me? - beaver, i'm not yelling at ya. son, we'd all like to have the most glamorous, exciting parents in the world, but we just have to accept things the way god gives them to us. - i know, dad. that's what ya told me when i had that mole on my stomach. - he's not tryin' to be funny, dad. that's what ya told him. - beaver, there's nothing wrong with imagining things and pretending to yourself and daydreaming. we all do that.

on paper and try to pass them off as the truth. - yeah, dad, i guess it is. - if you live your life in a dream, beaver, some day you're gonna wake up and find out you've never had anything real. you think that over, son. i'm going down to help your mother with supper. - hey, wally, you think i ought to go down and tell mom i'm sorry about makin' her a chorus girl? - ah, heck, beaver, she's a mom. they know when you're sorry without even tellin' 'em. - yeah, but i think i'll tell her anyways. (cheerful music) (cheerful music) attention people with hearing loss. what i'm about to tell you could change your life. does your hearing loss have you feeling left out? are you finding it harder to hear the tv or telephone? are you afraid you might not hear an alarm or intruder?

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- gee whiz, beaver, you don't have to be afraid to go to school on monday. guys won't make fun of ya. - gee, larry, now they know my composition was all made up. - they knew it on friday. we were sorta talkin' after class and everybody knew your mother wasn't a dancer. - they did? - well yeah, but they like your composition anyway. it's like when you go to the movies, and you see king kong eatin' people. everybody knows it's all made up, but even so, it's exciting. bam, bam! ehhhh, bam! - yeah, well i guess it was exciting all right. - especially the gangsters. pfff! (audience laughs) - yeah, i guess it was kinda good. - boy, beaver, i wish i'd made up stuff about my mom. - you do, larry? - yeah, 'cause what she did before

she was a dental nurse. - gee, i didn't know that. - mmm. (audience laughs)

starring, barbara billingsley hugh beaumont, tony dow, and jerry mathers

- more coffee, dear? - no thanks. boys get off to school alright? - yes, we had a little fuss. beaver wanted money for lunch, and i only had a dollar bill, and i didn't want to give him that. so he said, "alright, i'll just starve." - what did you do? - gave him the dollar bill.

- say dear, have you seen my fountain pen anywhere? - it was up on the dresser. - i looked all over the dresser. - alright dear, i'll go look for it. (happy humming) - good morning, ward! - oh, hi fred. i was just coming by to pick you up. - oh i know it's your day to drive to the office. but it was so beautiful, that i decided to take a little constitutional and walk over. - well fine, i'll be ready in just a minute. june's looking for my fountain pen. - your turn to do the dishes? - would you like some coffee, fred? - don't mind if i do. say ward, i hate to mention it, but this neighborhood is getting a little on the rough side. - oh? - yes, coming down the block just now, a kid yelled "hey skinhead" at me. - oh is that so? - i don't like it, ward. don't like it at all. in my day it was "ma'am" and "mister". - well i guess kids are just

- yes. - sugar? - oh, no thanks. say ward, gwen and i have been meaning to get together with you folks. how would a picnic this weekend, up at friends' lake strike you and the little bride? - oh, it sounds great. - we asked the andersons, he's president of the trust company. but they had some people come in from out of town unexpectedly. so we thought you could fill in, and the weekend wouldn't be a total lost. - oh, thanks a lot, fred. - hello fred. - june. - here's your pen, dear. - where'd you find it? - on the dresser just where i told you it was. - just like a couple of little boys, eh ward? just like a couple of little boys. - yes. well fred, i guess we'd better get going. - right you are. no sense in us chiefs being late, and setting a bad example for the indians. bye, bye june. - bye, bye fred. [june] ward? you didn't kiss me goodbye. - in front of fred?

- now, what did he mean by that? (telephone ringing) hello? oh, hello fred. no, ward isn't home. oh, alright i'll tell him-- fred, wait a minute, he just drove in. if you can hang on for a minute, i'll go out in the garage and get him, and you can tell him yourself. alright. ward? (audience laughter)

- what are you doing out there? - i went out to get you. fred rutherford's waiting for you on the phone. - no he's not, i hung up. - without talking to him? - yeah, i thought one of the boys had left the receiver off the hook. what did fred want? - well, he wanted to remind you to tell the boys something about a picnic. - oh, sure! fred wants us to go up to friends' lake with him tomorrow. gwendolyn's fixing picnic lunch, and they wanted wally and beaver to go too. - oh, well you'd better tell the boys before they make other plans. - yeah, okay. hi, fellas! - oh, hi dad. - hi, dad. - what are you guys up to? - well gee, dad. we're not up to anything. we're just sitting here. - oh, well how would you fellas like to drive up to friends' lake tomorrow? have a nice picnic lunch, play some baseball, go swimming, do a little hiking.

- of course you don't have to go, beaver. but the rutherfords have invited us. and i'm sure we'll all have a lot of fun. - well, it's okay with me, dad. hey dad, you think mr. rutherford will wear those shorts and that baseball cap to play softball in? - uh, i really don't know, wally. - boy, i sure hope not. people are liable to think he's our father. - and i was gonna play with whitey whitney tomorrow, but i guess it'll be okay. - well, i'm sure we'll all have a good time, beaver. and you should have fun, violet's going. - violet? - well sure, she's a friend of yours, isn't she? she's in your class. - she's in my class but she's not a friend of mine. she's a girl. - oh, well i'm sure you could put up with her for one day. - now look guys, mr. rutherford is gonna be by for us in the morning at 8 o'clock. so you be ready. - oh sure, dad. - [beaver] yes, sir. boy, violet. - heck, beav. it might not be so bad. she hangs around too much,

- yeah, and if i find a dead fish, i can chase her with it. - sure. see beav, this picnic isn't gonna be so bad. (audience laughter) - i like to stow things away all ship-shape and bristol fashion. - just like a boat, eh fred? - of course, ward. that's the expression. bristol is a seafaring port in england. - oh, right. - [june] oh, what a beautiful day for a picnic, gwen. - fred arranged it that way. - you'd better let me stow that, june. don't want things tipping over in the high seas. did you pay your respects to the cleaver's, violet? - yes, daddy, you made me do that when they got here. (audience laughter) - wally? beaver? well fred, shall we heave anchor, and get this windjammer on the road? - "windjammer on the road," you're my kind of people, ward. well let's set sail. uh junie, i'll take care of the seating. - ah, fred worked it all out last night. took him an hour and a half.

- alright. - ward, you're in the middle there. - very good, sir. - gwen, you're next. comfy, girls? - yes, we're comfy. - well, let the skipper get at the wheel. wally, you're next. beaver, you're next. - where do i sit, daddy? - well vi, you just get in here, and sit on your little schoolmate's lap. - dad! - never mind, beaver. - well, here we go. wally, it's too bad we didn't bring along another little girl to sit on your lap. - yes, sir.

- hey richard, did you see that? that looked like beaver. - where? - in that car, with a girl sittin' on his lap. - you're goofy, whitey. beaver wouldn't be caught dead with a girl sittin' on his lap. - yeah, i guess so. but it sure looked like beaver alright. - well, it's sure nice being with you, whitey. - shut up, will ya! (pleasant music) - hey beav, you got any more of those worms? - yeah wally, right here. - hey, what do you keep 'em in there for? - well, if i kept them in my back pocket, if i sat on them, i'd squish 'em. - yeah. - uh ward, put your arm around june. now, look pleasant folks. try to forget you're old married people. (audience laughter) here we go. hold it.

- they'll be right here, daddy. - oh, the boys having a good time? - i don't know, mommy. i can't tell with boys. - oh ward, how about you taking a picture of mrs. r and me? - [ward] oh sure, sure! (cheerful music) - oh, shouldn't he use the filter, dear? you know how your head always shines in the lens. - great sense of humor, gwen has. that's what vassar did for her. (chuckling) - daddy's really funny, isn't he mrs. cleaver? - of course he is, violet. - oh, i didn't know. - now hold it. hello fellas, where are all the fish? - guess they're still in the lake, dad. - hey dad, beaver's still got some more worms in his pocket if you wanna go fishing later. - [ward] thanks, wally. - let's get a picture of the younger generation.

- do i have to, mom? - beaver, don't make a fuss. - gee, mom. - please. - you'll have to get closer together, i can't see you in the finder. - beaver, look as though you're enjoying it. - violet, put your arm around him. and now hold it. violet, give him a great big kiss. that was great. ward, what's the matter with the little fella? - i really don't know, fred. - maybe it was something he ate, fred. - what's the matter with her? - maybe it was something she ate too, fred.

- what is it, dear? - [ward] come here a minute. i wanna show you something. where are the boys? - upstairs, what's all the mystery about? - our office magazine came out today. - oh ward, isn't that sweet? - sweet? well it may be sweet to you, and to the people down at the office. but i don't think it's gonna be sweet to beaver if he sees it. - no, i guess not. - now why in the world would fred do a thing like that? - ward, you didn't get mad at fred for putting it in, did you? - it's impossible to get mad at fred. no matter what you call him, he thinks you're kidding. - i think the best thing is just not let beaver see it. - yeah, i guess you're right. - hi, dad. what are you hiding from the beaver? - oh, nothing. - it's just something we don't want beaver to see. - what don't you want me to see? - it's nothing that should concern you, son. well, what are we having for supper tonight, dear? - leg of lamb.

come on, i'll give you a hand with it. i was just saying on my way home, "my wouldn't it be nice if we had leg of lamb." - hey wally, what do you think they're hiding from me? - gee, i don't know, beav. it must be something pretty good. because they wouldn't even show it to me. - maybe dad found a million dollars in gold. and he's hiding it because he doesn't want to give it to us until we're 21. - beaver, can't you think of something better than that? - what could be better than a million dollars in gold? - dear, what are you gonna do about that magazine? - oh, don't worry about it. on my way to work in the morning, i'll throw it out with the trash. - ward, why would a little boy object to a little girl kissing him? - well dear, that's a protective instinct we men are born with. unfortunately most of us outgrow it. - oh, ward. - how come you brought me home

- well look whitey, larry's sick. if i show you something, would you promise never not to tell anybody what it is as long as you live? - gee, i don't know. let me see it first. - first you've gotta take an oath. - well i guess that's better than not seeing it. okay, i just made an oath. (peculiar music) - boy. - remember whitey, you took an oath. - yeah, but i didn't know it was gonna be this good. - but you promised! - okay, okay i'm no indian promiser. how did it happen, beaver? - well, mr. rutherford had a camera. then violet kissed me, and he took it when i wasn't looking. then my mom and dad tried to hide it from me. but i found it in the trash can, when i was looking for good stuff. - yeah, i always look in the trash for good stuff. half the good stuff in my house ends up in the trash.

- nah-uh. - it means that violet rutherford is in love with you. - aw, cut it out, whitey. she is not. - sure she is. - gee, i've never had a girl in love with me before. what should i do? - gee, i don't know. i've never had a girl in love with me either. - maybe we should ask a grownup. - nah, that'll just get us in trouble. but you know something, getting your picture on here and everything. you're kind of famous. - yeah, but i don't like being famous for kissing. well i wouldn't mind being famous for killing guys or good stuff like that. - yeah. - [wally] open up in there. - that's wally! - hey beaver, you got a phone call. - who is it, wally? - it's that violet rutherford. she wants to speak to you. - tell her i'm not home, wally.

- did you tell beaver violet's on the phone? - yeah, i told him. he said to tell her he wouldn't be home for the rest of his life. - now why would he say something like that? i better go up there and make him talk to her. - okay, mom. but he's got that door locked, and there sure gonna be a lot of yellin' and screamin'. - alright, but what am i gonna tell violet? - just say he's not home. - well wally, that wouldn't be honest. - well okay, then just say he doesn't want to talk to you because he thinks you're creepy. - i'll handle it myself. violet? i'm sorry to keep you waiting. but beaver is not available right now. may i take a message? - alright, thank you. bye. - boy, mom. i sure wish i could do that. - do what? - give somebody the brush off,

- wally. dear, did you notice the beaver before he left this morning? i think something was bothering him. - well it's a school day and he had to get up this morning. sometimes that enough to bother any kid. - no, i think it was more than that, dear. he just sat there just staring into his egg. - well, when i was a kid along about this time of year, i used to get spring fever. - oh honey, no one gets that anymore. it's too old-fashioned. - now just a minute. if it was good enough for me, it's good enough for my son. - hey dad, can i go to hawaii this summer? - wally, why would you ask a question like that? - because i'm entering this contest. and the first prize is a trip to hawaii. you just send in the entry blank, if you won't let me go. - i think we can discuss that, wally, if and when you win. - gee dad, eddie haskell's father gave him permission. he said he can go anywhere in the whole world.

- well, you should be glad your father doesn't take that attitude. - sure, mom. - wally, have you any idea what's bothering your brother? - search me, i'm not speaking to him. - why aren't you speaking to beaver? - on account he threw his dirty socks on my clean shirts. - that's no reason to stop speaking to him. - well heck dad, would you want your shirts smelling like dirty feet? (audience laughter) - wally, would you run along to school, please? - sure dad, that's where i was going until you started asking me all those questions. (audience laughter) - you don't suppose beaver saw that magazine? - no, of course not. i threw it out yesterday. - i still think there's something bothering him.

- oh, hi richard. - what's the matter, beav? - nothing, i thought you were a girl. - oh, cut it out, will ya? i got a haircut yesterday. - i thought you were violet rutherford. - what would you be ascared of her for? - for nothing. - hey, here she comes! - do me a favor, richard. tell her you haven't seen me in a long time. - richard, have you seen beaver cleaver? - no, beaver told me to tell you i haven't seen him for a long time. (audience laughter) - did violet catch you yet? - nah-uh, that's why i didn't go out on the playground at recess. - i saw her looking at you in class. - was it a love look? - nah, it was kind of a dumb look. - i think that's the same thing. you know what i'm gonna do? i'm gonna stay in class after school until everybody goes home. - that's a good idea.

- stand in front of me, whitey! - hi, whitey. - hi, violet. - have you seen beaver? - i think he just went in the classroom. - oh. - boy, beaver, having a girl in love with you is a lot rougher than i thought it was. - yeah. (audience laughter) - hello, beaver. - hello, violet. - i've been looking for you all day. - i gotta go home and help my mother. - i saw a picture on the magazine. - what about it? - well i wanna tell you something. - better not, i might punch you. - i'll tell you anyway. i only kissed you because my father told me to.

- no fooling? - of course i'm not fooling. you're like all boys, you're dirty, and you're messy and you do mean things. - gee, i was hoping you didn't like me. but i was afraid to ask you. - no, i really don't like you. i'd rather kiss a dead lizard than kiss you again. - that's neat, you make me feel creepy too. - don't you dare go showing that picture to anybody. - oh, don't worry. i already burned it up and spit on the ashes. - i'm glad you feel that way. because if you didn't, i was gonna ask my father to change schools. - you know something, violet? - what? - you're not so bad for a girl.

- well, did you notice how happy the beaver was at supper tonight? - yes, quite a difference from this morning. - it's great the way kids can forget their troubles. i guess you have to wait until you're an intelligent adult before you can learn to get upset over nothing. - aren't you the kitchen philosopher? - yeah wally, she came right out and said i was messy and dirty, and she didn't like me. - violet came right out and said all that, huh? - yeah, it's pretty neat when you think a girl that likes you turns out to hate you. - yeah, i guess at your age that's a real kick. - you know what, wally. - what? - i'm gonna stay messy and dirty for the rest of my life. and that way, girls will never like me.

but you'll never stick with it. by the time you get to be 14 or 15, you find yourself washing and taking baths and everything. - is that why you got mad at me when i threw my dirty socks in your clean shirts? - yeah, that's the way it happens to a guy. (audience laughter)

okay. now, we're gonna try another one, all right? you're getting very smart. now, you have five apples, right? you get one, two, three more apples. how many apples do you have? eight apples. that's very good. now, think carefully. you have eight apple how many apples are left? take away two apples? that's easy, mommy. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] that leaves six! [ clears throat ] you saw that? i saw that. well, how do you like them apples? sam, what's going on? new math? all right, tabitha, bring back the apples. yes, sweetheart, those winesaps cost 35 cents a po okay.

[ ding! ] thanks, tabitha. well, lesson's over, sweetheart. darrin, i really do think she's ready for kindergarten. i think she's ready for "the ed sullivan show." good morning, dear child. my precious tabitha. hello, grandmama. good morning, derwood. it was, wasn't it? mother, darrin and i are having an important discussion. so, if you don't mind... of course i don't mind. what is more important than tabitha's education? fortunately, i have solved your problem. may i present professor poindexter phipps? [ ding! ] forget it, endora. tabitha is not having a warlock for a teacher. why not? she has a witch for a mother.

and you must be derwood. try "darrin." apple for the teacher. good form for a mortal. sam, i want to talk to you. when? now. oh. excuse us. yes, sweetheart? i just heard it. oh, sweetheart, mother was just trying to be helpful. and you will admit it's time tabitha was getting a formal education, won't you? now, sam... who could be more qualified to teach a young witch thirsting for knowledge than a warlock? well, i guess it can't hurt to try. but only if you promise the professor will teach t in a perfectly normal, perfectly mortal way. i promise. witch's honor.

i should have warned you, professor phipps. derwood is a little eccentric. it's no matter. i'll be happy to comply.

it's true i am a warlock. but first i do not teach witchcraft. i teach the arts, music, literature, et cetera. in the mortal way. as you wish. goodbye, dear. is, uh...this a sample of your work? yes, that's a cam "don't cry over spilt milk. neat'n nourishing." your daughter's acquiring a tutor none too soon. tabitha, come, my dear. mother, the art of using familiar phrases to catch the public eye is a very important part of the advertising business. forget it, sam. i'm late for the office. endora, i'm sorry i can't stay and chat, but if you're able to drop in tomorrow morning, i certainly hope not.

could think up more of those so-called phrases, he would be more successful doing whatever it is he does? of course. advertising men get paid a lot of money to come up with clever slogans. really? now, mother... [ ding! ] excuse me, herb. have a nice day, mr. stephens. [ ding! ] spirits north and spirits south, let my spell control your mouth. let derwood find to his dismay that all his words are now clich\. [ laughs ] [ ding! ] thanks, ted. but nothing comes easy. the proof of the pudding is in the eating. the trick is to walk softly and carry a big stick. that's what they say.

[ ding! ] tabitha, i would like you to meet the artful dodger. [ english accent ] charmed, my dear. [ laughs ] come on. are you gonna smile a little bit? oh. he looks just like darrin, doesn't he? oh, nonsense. babies always have that bewildered expression. mother. i'm gonna go down and sneak a peak at tabitha's lesson. you want to come? oh, in a moment, love. i want to stay and play with my grandson. come on, you. come on. look at grandmama. come on. that's a boy. that's a little fellow. professor, who in the world is this? the artful dodger at your service, fair lady. my ring, please. ring? what ring? the one you just removed from my finger.

that must be this hangnail -- catches everything. isn't he wonderful, samantha? a page out of dickens come to life. professor, you promised us there wouldn't be any witchcraft. i promised i wouldn't teach witchcraft, and i haven't. well, i don't think that darrin would see it that way. so why don't we just return him to the pages of literature? i will return my teaching aide from whence he came when i decide the lesson is over. is that clear? now, just a moment, professor -- is that clear? yes, sir. darrin, these sales figures for kitty kakes are fantastic, thanks to your slogan. the public bought it hook, line, and sinker. i'll say, you son of a gun. and multiple industries couldn't be happier. tickled pink, huh? the color's more like green, mr. phrasemaker.

a bonus? well, that would be a sight for sore eyes. right. anyway, h.b. summers, multiple's head of marketing, wants you to create a new slogan for their farm-machinery division. how do you like that? i don't. you know, the acoustics are lousy in this room. i already have a campaign worked out for the farm-machinery division. what's good for the goose doesn't mean it's good for the gander. darrin, this gander wants slogans, and if we don't come up with some, our goose is cooked. we should put this in the think tank for a while. darrin, what's the matter with you? you sound like an encyclopedia of clich\s. well, you can't judge a book by its cover. there you go again. you're right. uh... clich\s are like popcorn. once you get started, you can't stop. pull yourself together, darrin. multiple industries makes everything from safety pins to bulldozers. and all we need is a few good slogans, and we're in. now, here's a list of all their products. can you come up with something by noon? larry, i don't like to blow my own horn -- that's perfect!

their musical-instruments division. where are you going? home, sweet home. you know, when the cat's away, the mice will play. huh? what i meant was, i left something at home. but i'd forget my head if it wasn't fastened on. all right, but be quick about it. we have a lunch date with summers at the blue boar at 1:00. larry, i'll be there to grab the bull by its horns before any more water passes under the bridge. sam? hi, sweetheart. what's the matter? what's the matter? i'll try to keep a civil tongue in my head and, at the same time, talk turkey. i smell a rat. darrin, why are you talking so funny? because someone put a spell on me, and i'll bet dollars to doughnuts i know who did it. mother! yes, my love? did you put a spell on darrin? i cannot tell a lie. i did place a friendly little spell on derwood.

would you tell her to button her lip? mother, you've had your little joke, so if you would... would it be presumptuous of me to request a little silence during school hours? i'm terribly sorry, professor. we'll try to keep it quieter. mother, if you don't remove that spell... oh, i say, a handsome gentleman. me hand, sir. sam, who is this? one thing at a time, sweetheart. the spell, remember? come on. mother. oh, very well, i'll take the spell off. oh, you try to do a good turn for someone... [ ding! ] sweetheart, say something. i'll say something. who was that english kid in there, and -- and where's my watch? i think your second question answered your first question.

that settles it. i said, "no witchcraft," and he used witchcraft. sam, the professor goes. just a minute, derwood. endora, you've been a busy little bee. now buzz off. oh, really. [ ding! ] well, i certainly hope mother's

ah, there goes my little pigeon. [ ding! ] the spell, i renew, you boorish lout. your clich\s will be few, but you'll act them out. [ ding! ] goodbye, and thank you. yes. goodbye. has mr. tate arrived yet? yes, he and another gentleman have been here for a few minutes. i'll take you to their table.

how did you do that? sorry. family secret. [ laughs ] would you tell mr. tate that mr. stephens called and said he couldn't make it. larry: darrin. come on. summers is anxious to meet you. h.b. summers, meet darrin stephens, better known as "the slogan king." my pleasure, stephens. i'm a great admirer of yours. oh, well, thanks, mr. summers. h.b. to my friends. stephens, you're my kind of adman. your campaigns are clever. they hit that nail right on the head. right, h.b. darrin has the genius to get through to the common man. tate was telling me about your latest slogan. [ hums fanfare ] "blow your own horn." i like that, stephens. it's knockout. thanks, h.b.

...with you. darrin, you all right? sure. sure. i was just attempting to point out that slogans can be overdone. now, i have a campaign worked out for your farm-machinery division. forget it. i got a little idea myself for the bulldozer division. now, what do you think of this? "make molehills out of mountains." you get it? there's that twist there. [ laughs ] of course we get it, h.b. and it's...knockout. right, darrin? truthfully, no. it just doesn't ring the bell. [ bell rings ] what was that? two bells, and all is well. it's an old custom here. that reminds me -- i've got to call home. you have to do it now? yes. just order me a club sandwich. i'll be back quicker than you can say "jack robinson." jack robinson. jack robinson. [ laughs ] that's very good.

why did we say that? i don't know. maybe it's catchy. well, i warned you. mother's very sensitive about being told to buzz off. there aren't as many clich\s now, but when i do say one, it comes true. well, just calm down, sweetheart. i'll find mother. how come all the creative ones have a screw loose upstairs? h.b., as of this moment, stephens is off your account. why? he may be a ding-a-ling, but he's got a magic touch. exactly, and he'll be with you as long as you want him. sam? sam? where are you? i'm in the nursery. i'll be right down. have you reached your mother yet? i don't know whether i'm coming or going. darrin? oh, i thought i heard you come in.

[ tires screech ] it's larry. we're not home. [ doorbell rings ] you want the slogan king, you'll get the slogan king... [ doorbell rings ] ...if i have to bring him in in a net. darrin. darrin? darrin! tate, what are you doing? darrin and i have an understanding. if he doesn't answer the doorbell, i'm supposed to crawl in the window. there you are, darrin. come on in, h.b. oh, hi, larry. i was just going to open the door.

sam, mr. summers. how do you do? maybe you can talk some sense into your husband. i'm sorry, larry, but i won't have anything to do with a campaign based on slogans. come on, stephens. we're grown men. why can't we reach a compromise? darrin: all right, h.b. if you'll play ball with me, i'll play ball with you. [ ding! ] mother! mother, you come here this instant! mother! you materialize, and fast. that isn't a very affectionate way to summon one's mother. after what you have done to darrin, what do you expect -- the witch's love call? well, to coin a mortal phrase, it looks like they've bored each other stiff. very amusing. now, undo your thing. if you insist.

[ ding! ] really... [ ding! ] sam, what happened? never mind what happened. let's just worry about what's going to happen. yeah, how am i gonna explain those baseball uniforms? you won't have to. you just take their coats off while i make a couple of drinks. sam, would you mind telling me what -- we have a lot to do. i'll tell you as we go along. you sure he won't break? [ chuckles ] of course not. [ grunts ] we'll just get them comfortable on the sofa. then i'll bring them to.

but what are we chatting about? oh, about how nice it is that they dropped in. oh, and how pleased i am that h.b... finally agreed to go for my campaign instead of the slogans. very good. oh, honey, hand me a drink. and you put one in his hand. goodness. you, too. mmm. okay. you ready? mm-hmm. [ ding! ] [ laughing ] oh, mr. summers, you have such a delightful sense of humor. so, you really feel, h.b., that my idea is knockout? i don't understand this. last thing i remember, i was standing over there

baseball uniform? oh, you are joking, mr. summers. listen, didn't we crawl in through the window? crawl in the window? what are you trying to do -- gaslight me? [ laughter ] well, just another little joke. but now back to our discussion about my idea for the farm machinery. oh, personally, i love darrin's idea. oh, not that i count, of course. it's the fact that you like it so much, mr. summers, that matters. how about you, larry? you're the only one we haven't heard from. well, if h.b. likes it, uh... i -- i like it, too. i mean... you do like it, don't you? oh, it's knockout. isn't it? certainly.

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well, let's go, tate. mrs. stephens, thank you for your hospitality. lessons are over. we'll be leaving for the day. well, larry, mr. summers, this is professor phipps and master dodger, tabitha's tutors. yes. you see, we're the tutors, and she's the tutee. cute little dickens, isn't he? well, good day. oh, professor. don't you want to leave by the front door? well, that's a quaint notion. let's try it, dodger. it's a pleasure meeting you, fine gentlemen. take care, now. goodbye, sam. thank you. mr. summers. sure. well... [ doorbell rings ] i seem to have lost my cufflinks. call me if you find them.

-- captions by vitac -- www.vi yoo-hoo! mother, i'm sorry i'm late, but the stores were jammed -- bonjour, samantha. mother. i have had a tough day shopping. darrin is coming home early from work, and i'd like so, if you don't mind... i would like to have my old furniture back. if you expect me to babysit, it's going to have to be in the grand style to which i am accustomed. as far as darrin and i are concerned, our old furniture is grand enough. oh, samantha, the salvation army wouldn't even send a truck out for it. where is your breeding, your culture, your upbringing, darling? i still have those, mother. only my furniture is gone.

oh, samantha, i don't understand you. you could be living in the lap of luxury instead of on the bony knees of poverty. i happen to like bony knees. oh, samantha, i'm still a guest in your home, and happy surroundings make a happy guest. mother, your babysitting chores are over, and so is your horsing around with my living room. [ gasps ] oh, uh, mrs., um... uh -- uh, m-mother, you know darrin's m-mother, mrs. --

the furniture -- it's normal.

and now it's back? uh-huh. the furniture's back, and all's right with the world. here, have a tranq you don't know what i'm talking about, do you? huh? how could you? i'm obviously losing my mind. oh, mrs. stephens, that's crazy. i -- i mean, that's ridiculous. you are one of the most solid, realistic, well-adjusted people i know. here, have a tranquilizer. samantha, i know you're trying to soothe me, but let's face it. there's nothing you can say, dear. when the mind starts to go, what can anyone say? what about..."bon voyage"? mother!

it might make you feel a little better. oh, perhaps you're right. i'd be less of a nuisance. let me help you. no, no. thank you, dear. you've -- you've already done enough. yeah. more than enough. honey? honey? have i got great news. shh, not so loud. samantha, i just landed an account i've been trying to six months of badgering larry to try a new angle. and you know how i did it? i just -- darrin, yo how wonderful. i can tell you both. she's lying down. you mean she's resting? recuperating might be a better word. recuperating from what? well, actually, it's not as bad as you might expect. let me be the judge of that. i think you better sit down. i think so, too.

it's just that she thinks she's losing her mind. out with it, sam. what happened? well, when i came back from shopping, mother had changed the furniture. you mean she moved it around. not around, out, and exchanged it with louis xiv furniture. my mother came in and caught the bobbsey twins at play. now she thinks she's losing her mind. that's about it. terrific. darrin, to say i am sorry is a masterpiece of understatement. not only that. it doesn't solve anything. well, there's only one solution. what's that? we'll have to tell your mother the truth. samantha, my mother isn't losing her mind. you are. we have no other choice. yes, we do. but i don't know which one is better --

or to tell her that her son is married to a witch. oh, well, she'll take it all right. you told me yourself you had an aunt who thought she was a lighthouse. yeah, she was kind of weird. let's look at the bright side. you find it, and i'll be glad to look at it. well, first and most important is the relief of not having to pretend anymore. after six years, the truth can be told. tell me more about the bright side. darrin, what else can we do? as the wise man said, "honesty is the best policy." i'll bet that wise man didn't have to tell his mother his wife is a witch. phyllis: frank, is that you? oh, it's you, darrin. hi, mom. how -- how do you feel? i heard voices, and i -- i thought it was your father. i guess i can't even recognize my own husband's voice anymore. i suppose samantha told you what happened. yes, she told me all right.

i'll disappear quietly into oblivion. and your father will be all right. he's young. he can remarry... even start a new family. wouldn't you like a baby brother? mom, you're talking nonsense. of course i'm talking nonsense. my mind is gone. well, mother, you're about to hear something that's going to relieve you... and shock you. go ahead. shock treatment may be just what i need right now. it's all yours, sam. well, um, mrs. stephens... the furniture that you saw changing back and forth -- it actually did change.

yes. i...am a witch. you're a what? i'm a witch. so is my mother. [ laughs ] oh, samantha, that's ridiculous. although, i'm not so sure about your mother. no, uh, you see, i really am a witch -- a cauldron-stirring, card-carrying witch. and i have magic powers, and i can make things move around. samantha, there's no such thing as witches. well...i guess i'll just have to prove it.

please. [ tinkles ] it's magic. it's all done with mirrors. it must be. [ sighs ] uh, how about this, mrs. stephens? oh, that's awful! i gave you that for your last wedding anniversary. don't worry. i'll put it back together. samantha... you're a witch. now you're talking. and the furniture really did change.

uh-huh. mm-hmm. she did that, too. [ doorbell rings ] oh, that must be frank. now, mom, it's not necessary to tell dad about all this right now. we'll find the right moment, and then we'll spring it on him. in the meantime, it'll be our little secret, okay? okay. hi, dad. darrin, i got the strangest call from your mother. she seems to think she's... phyllis: frank. phyllis. i'm so glad to see you. are you all right? oh, it's true, frank. i thought i was losing my mind, but i'm not. oh, of course you're not. i realized i was perfectly sane once i found out samantha is a witch. samantha's a what? a witch. she's a witch. now, look, phyllis, you made me miss my pinochle game,

i'm in no mood for jokes. samantha, go ahead. prove you're a witch. phyllis, you're talking about our daughter-in-law. watch this. hey! that's the present we got them for their last anniversary. i know. you'll see, frank. having a witch in the family will be fun. if i break a vase, i'll just call samantha, and she puts it back together again. go ahead, sam. [ sighs ] [ tinkles ] one more time.

how do you feel? well, i feel fine. i just don't understand what happened. [ ding! ] i just heard, samantha. it was the witches' council that removed you how dare they! how dare you? revealing yourself to mortals can be disastrous. how soon you forget the beating we took at s but the witches' council doesn't have any right to take away my powers! they have the right to prevent you from frivolously flaunting yourself as a witch. now, you still have your powers -- wait -- wait -- wait a minute. [ tinkles ] but not in front of mortals. derwood doesn't count. how am i gonna convince mrs. stephens that she hasn't flipped? well, you can't show yourself as a witch,

but there is no other way. as usual, derwood, you're a bottomless pit of ideas. [ german accent ] now, tell me, mrs. stephens, what seems to be the trouble? [ sighs ] dr. rhinehouse... i'm losing my mind. mm-hmm. and what else is bothering you? doctor, i don i said i'm losing my mind. my dear mrs. stephens, we're all losing our mind, more or less. the world is a very anxious, uptight place. but, doctor, i saw an ashtray fly across the room, a vase shatter and put itself back together again. at least you haven't been bored. bored?! i'm mad!

an active imagination doesn't mean you're mad. have you tried writing? dr. rhinehouse, if you want to know the truth, i still think my daughter-in-law's a witch. so? i think my son-in-law is a bum. he hasn't worked in eight months. but, doctor, my daughter-in-law is a real witch. i mean, she does all kinds of witch tricks. you mean she, uh, flies on a broom? i don't know. she might if she was in a hurry. charming. you don't believe me. you think i'm making it up. i tell you, i'm sick! please. i am the doctor. if you're sick, i tell you. "dear frank, i know dr. rhinehouse "wasn't telling me the truth. please try to forget me. love, phyllis." i just don't understand it.

but she's never gone off the track before. i have a hunch where she might have gone. where's that? well, the logical place for a person to go who thinks she's -- uh...well... i think she'd go to a rest home. that's a possibility. there must be hundreds of rest homes in the city. we'll call them all. i'll bet she's in one of them right now, taking her pills. yeah...her pills. excuse me while i check my roast. i'll get the phone book, dad. yeah. here. try the whippoorwill rest home.

elixir of herbs whisk me to where mrs. stephens is. oh, that's terrible. [ ding! ] i'm mrs. quigley. what's your name, sweetie? mrs. stephens. what are you in for? i'm having hallucinations. i think my daughter-in-law is a witch. my kids put me away. unappreciative, rotten, little -- what are you in for? i told you. i have delusions that my daughter-in-law's a witch. do you play gin? no. no, i never learned. well, you should have. people ought to plan for their old age. what are you in for? i've been trying to tell you. my --

no, i don't. that's the trouble with you youngsters. you're unaccomplished. you never did tell me what -- [ ding! ] what's in that bottle? those are oh, let me have one. mine aren't working at all. oh, do you really think you should? boy, you are a worrier. i don't blame your kids for putting you away. they didn't put me away. i put myself away. people and things, be wild and free, but only for mrs. quigley to see. look at that!

those oranges -- they all floated off the tree and then bounced around on the ground and then floated back onto the tree again. it was wild. [ ding! ] look at that! look at what? those pills -- what's in those pills? i'm on a trip you wouldn't believe.

oh, mrs. stephens, thank goodness i found you. samantha! what are you doing here? looking for you! mr. stephens and darrin are worried sick. do you play canasta? i'm afraid not. oh, that's the trouble with teenagers. you're worse than the youngsters. what's the matter, mrs. quigley? give me those pills, sweetie. take a look at t these aren't tranquilizers. they're hallucinogenics. they are?

and you can imagine all sorts of wild things. i'll take a gross. samantha, those are my pills. there seems to be some sort of a mistake here. the bottle is marked "tranquilizers," but these are hallucinogenic pills. well, that explains everything. the druggist must have given you the wrong pills. you've got a lawsuit here, mrs. stephens. oh, doctor, i'm too relieved for that. i've been seeing crazy things all day, and now i know why. oh, samantha, dear, forgive me. i don't know what to say. don't say anything, mrs. stephens. i understand. just thank mrs. quigley. if it hadn't been for her, we might never ha mrs. quigley. oh, you want to hand-wrestle. well, that's one thing i don't do. but i will take those pills, sweetie.