phew! -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com [ ] five, four, three, two... you're home, sam. [phone buzzes] this is cap-com control signing off. [chuckling] yeah. perfect. hi, tony. hello, major. take him down. oh, hello, doctor. how'd it go at your end? an unqualified success, major nelson. your prot\g\ is green for go for the real thing tomorrow. i'm certain sam appreciates your contribution. well, i didn't join the, uh, astronaut program to become a radio announcer, sir. i was hoping nasa would put me in the driver's seat. well, i'm with tony. we're the senior astronauts on this project. and who gets to make the first shot? sam. i mean, it isn't fair. now, don't be bitter, gentlemen. if you really wanted first crack at this mission, why, you-- [chuckles] you should have been more selective in choosing parents. it's all a matter of heredity. well done, sam.

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press the green one. [gibbering] roger: hey. tony: good boy. good boy, sam. there's something wrong with this. i'm gonna have to check it. i'm gonna have to get a technician to take a look at this panel. hurry up, will ya, tony? everybody else has gone for lunch. master! [gasps] oh! jeannie! oh, thank heavens. oh, for a minute, i thought that-- what are you doing here? i told you never come to nasa. never. but it is important, master. you said i could come if it was an emergency. well, what happened? what's the matter? i got lonely. you got lonely?! you got lonely?! why do we not go to a movie this afternoon? because roger and i have a lot of work to do. now, get out, and i mean it. now. [sighs]

yeah? oh, uh, s-sam. sam, please, now, don't touch any of the buttons until i give you the orders, huh? red for red, and green for green, okay? don't worry. he'll be all right when the time comes. yeah, but what good is it? he can't make any decisions. we might as well have a robot up there. i will buy lunch. i know a wonderful little restaurant along the banks of the nile. really? well, i'm starved. i-- roger, we've got work to do. lots of work to do. bellows: oh, uh, major nelson, i was-- doctor. uh... insha'allah, effendi. um... who was that? the water boy. yes. come along, sam. we have a lot of work to do. [ ] whew. [laughs] was that not brilliant, master? he did not suspect a thing. [chuckles] no. he probably just thought you were one of the regular,

[both chuckle] goodbye, jeannie. no lunch? no lunch. dr. bellows is expecting too much out of this. what do you mean? even if sam does his job properly, we're gonna get limited information. what orbiter 5 needs up there is a man. well...let's stop dreaming and get back to work. we don't have a man, we've got a monkey. master. jeannie, please. where shall i go? where does any woman go? spend the day at the beauty parlor. very well, master. jeannie. mm. yes, master? please. goodbye, master. you've done very well this morning, sam. here's a reward for you. [ ] now, sam... the next test we're gonna-- sam?

look, i-i-- that wiring's loose. i think we'd better get an electrician in here. uh... i don't think we ought to fool around with it. hold on. i got an idea. [grunts] give me-- give me the screwdriver, will ya? mm-hm. hi. oh, hi. that was fast. um, there's something wrong with the signal switch. would you look at it, please? sure. come out, come out, wherever you are. here's a nice banana for you. now, you've got to be in this room somewhere. yeah, you're new around here, aren't you? mm. hm? where--? where are you from? the cameroons. equatorial west africa. that's where i was born and raised as a kid. [chuckles] no kidding. yeah. and then my-- my whole family got captured.

wire ends. sam is irreplaceable. you are not. i want you to find that chimp. oh, i will, general. i will. and i think i know just where to look. i said to myself, if i were a chimpanzee, where would i go? and what did you decide? i'd go to where major nelson is. major nelson? yes, sir. my theory is that sam has gone in search of his mother substitute. and tony nelson is sam's mother substitute. that's right, general. after all, major nelson has worked very closely with sam. sam's animal instincts told him... that he was being placed in jeopardy. and he felt an overwhelming need for the warmth and comfort of the maternal bosom. how does that sound to you, sir? it sounds to me as though you've been seeing too many jungle pictures.

um... i-i-is that gonna take you long, uh... sam. sam. you wouldn't like another electrician to help you, would you? i'm no electrician. i'm a scientist. a scientist, huh? yeah. it's a beautiful success story. i'm the first scientist in our family. one of my brothers made it big in show business. maybe you saw him on the jerry lewis show. mm, no, i-- i don't think i caught it. uh-- y-you're gonna-- you're gonna be able to, uh, put that back together, aren't you? [buzz] uh, will you excuse me, please? hello, major nelson here. oh, hello, dr. bellows. [guttural grunts] huh? just a minute. y-you, uh-- you say sam's escaped? you think he's on his way over here. well, w-why? huh-- a mother what? oh. oh, yeah. yes, sir. of course we'll keep our eyes open for him. right, sir. yeah. hey, uh, dr. bellows is on his way over here.

don't let him get me. i wanna stay here with you. now, wait a minute here. eh, would you get off, huh? i don't wanna go back in that cage. you know, look-- get off, will you? nobody's gonna put you back in a cage. what's the matter with you, sam? sam. that's sam. i know it's sam. sam? it can't be sam. yeah-heh. uh, yes, it can be. jeannie. jeannie! why would jeannie do a thing like that? why does she do anything? jeannie! don't let 'em take me. he treated me like a monkey. yeah, but, sam, you are a monkey. hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. who are you calling a monkey? uh, sam, i'm sorry about this, but you're just gonna have to become a chimpanzee again. you wanna be a chimpanzee? be a chimpanzee. i'm staying a man. eh, sam. this whole thing is a mistake. uh, uh, uh, uh-- so you see, a friend of mine, i have this... [ ] [women chattering]

good afternoon. can i help you? oh, i hope so. my master sent me. uh, well, what exactly can we do for you? well... i-i-i am not sure. i've never been to a beauty parlor before. you've never... just one minute. i'll get mr. sidney, okay? mm. [chatter, laughter] uh, good afternoon. oh. i understand you've never been in a beauty salon before. that is right. what would you like? well, what do you have? i'm glad you asked. uh, get ready for one super deluxe. [giggles] [laughs] right this way, please. tony: sam, now-- now-- try-- sam-- uh, what i've been trying to say is that, uh, according to darwin, it's gonna be several thousand years before

uh-- oh-- sam, you-- you'd be-- be much happier as a chimp. oh, yeah? have you ever seen a chimp driving around in a convertible with a blond. heh-heh. i've got a mate you wouldn't believe. big, hairy... rrr. [sniffs] he's coming. i smell it. you smell who? hey, wait a minute. wait a minute. don't go up there. [both speaking indistinctly] any sign of sam? oh, y-yeah. uh, no. nothing to talk about. nothing to talk about, sir. well, i have a general alarm out, and i've had the base sealed off. oh, he won't get away. after all, how far can a chimpanzee get before someone sees him. well, i-- i think i can, uh, guarantee he'll be up in that capsule tomorrow. yeah, he's gone! who's gone? well, sam. we know that, major. that's why i put out a general alarm. you'd better pull yourself together. yes. and you have a lovely complexion. it's hard to believe you've never been

well, i used to go to the roman baths a lot. the roman baths? yes. nero's wife and i used to go every saturday morning before the chariot races. oh. oh, i hope my master likes the way i look. oh-ho-ho. i'm sure he will. [grunts] there we go. [screams] what? madam. oh. this isn't beauty parlor. [buzzing] sam. oh, sam. [whistles] sam. sam! what are we gonna do, tony? i'm afraid he's gotten away. oh, how could he have gotten away? there's-- there's nowhere to go. there's guards all over the place. yeah. i know. we'll use psychology. think like a chimp.

now, if you were a chimpanzee, and-- and you wanted to hide, where would you go? well, i don't know. the first place i'd go is up a tree. [ ] 0 [grunts aggressively]

[tarzan yell] shh. be quiet. uh, jeannie. jeannie what? jeannie'll change hiback. that's the answer-- would you--? but jeannie isn't here. well, she will be. whenever i'm in trouble, i just concentrate on her, and she comes to me. now, i gotta concentrate. ahem. jeannie. jeannie. would you like some coffee? i cannot hear you. would you like some coffee? oh, yes, i would. jeannie.

you mean your friend's not gonna change me back again. yeah, that's right. come on, let's go. roger: wait a minute. hey! wait for me. do you hear something? no. i thought i heard someone calling my name. may i use your phone? oh, yes. there's one in the other room. oh. i'll get it. please do not bother. the first thing i'm gonna do is move in with you. i'm a lot of laughs once you get to know me. boy, we'll really be swinging. at the end of a noose. what? nothing. sam, you wouldn't want to hold up the space program, would you? what? who, me? i'm all ready to go up.

is call dr. bellows and tell him who i am. he's got you there. hey. what do you say we all go nightclubbing? someplace where they got a lot of swinging chicks. zowie. [intercom buzzes] that's probably dr. bellows. give him my love. hello. major nelson here. jeannie: hello, master. oh. heh-heh. hello, uh-- hello, major. major? [giggles] this is jeannie, master. yes, i know. you know that package you exchanged for me? package? [gasps] oh. you must mean sam. i knew that would make you happy, master. heh-heh. well, happy's not really the word for it. yeah, i'd like you to take it back. oh, but i thought that-- yeah, look-- jeannie, i'd like you to take it back right now. if that is what you wish. that's what i wish. ohh! [gasps] hello? roger: i don't think we'll ever get this place back together again. [gibbering] what did you say?

hey, tony, it's that-- jeannie's turned him back again. oh, you're not gonna do any nightclubbing after all. you're going up in space tomorrow. not if i can help it. say... on him it looks good. see you later. [gibbering] tony? is that you tony? don't worry about a thing. i'm gonna sneak you out of here. sam! where? you found sam. oh, this-- found sam. oh, that's, uh-- that's not sam, sir. then who is it? who is that? oh, that's, uh-- that's ernie. it's his cousin. used to hang around at the zoo, and-- now, don't be ridiculous, major healey. there's only one chimpanzee around here. why-- besides, i know sam when i see him. here we are. come along, sam. whoa, whoa. wait a minute. you can't take sam with you, sir. and why not? well, he's just a baby. oh, major healey. sam has been trained for this mission. where's major nelson? i-i think he's at the end of his rope. send him to me as soon as you find him. this mission is going up on schedule. sir? oh. jeannie. jeannie.

there. that looks truly elegant. no. thank you very much but i think i like it better the other way. there. do you not think this is bet--? [thump] receptionist: mr. sidney. yes, general wisten, that's right. sam is right here in my office. and he's in fine shape for his little trip into space. [gibbering] oh. don't worry, sir. hm-hm. i intend to keep sam here right with me every second until blastoff. thank you, general. that's very kind of you. well, it was just a question of understanding

yes. the animal mind is so different-- [high-pitched wail] dr. bellows. are you there? general wisten... i've just discovered the missing link. [gibbering] oh, excuse me. i'll see ya later, honey. i gotta visit a sick friend. [grunting softly] well... how you doing, buddy boy? [gibbering] i know just how you feel. i'm up to here with them bananas myself.

i kind of like it. master. master, i'm home. [brakes screech] jeannie! oh, major healey. oh. where's major nelson? where? you're asking me where major nelson is? he's a monkey, that's where he is. i do not understand. yeah, well, you blinked cockeyed and turned him into a chimpanzee. oh, no. oh, no. wait for me! wait. oh, wait. wait! i'd help you out, buddy boy, but i have this date tonight with a brunette. this is the life. i'm taking her up to our place for a drink. good luck, tony. oh. hi. how's tricks? i will show you. oh. oh. jeannie. oh, master. you are not angry with me? uh-- angry with you?

you're the most beautiful person i've ever seen in my life. where have ya been? i went to the beauty parlor, where you sent me. jeannie: why did you not call me? [tony laughs] why didn't i call you? mm. uh-- uh-- excuse me. yes. excuse me. uh, i'm afraid you're not gonna be able to keep that date tonight. you're not really dressed for it, you know. sam. you may not believe this... but i envy you. i really do. you're gonna g-- go up there and have a wonderful trip. and we're gonna get you down safely. thattaboy. oh. oh. roger. roger. he's gotta be going crazy. roger. i gotta find roger. [giggles] there you are, love bug. oh, yeah. good one. [giggles] bellows: this is the most miraculous thing i've ever seen. oh. if this is a joke of some kind... general.

well-- i'll go down in history. ask him to write something. yes, sir. oh, sam. uh, uh-- this is general wisten. he would, uh, like to see you write something. now, it doesn't have to be anything fancy. four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. you really believe this. oh, you'll see it for yourself, general. now...here we are. "the gettysburg address." written... by a monkey. you almost had it right, doctor. it was dictated by a monkey. psychiatrists! [door slams] where did i go wrong?

[men chattering indistinctly] this is control to orbiter 5. control to orbiter 5. can you hear me, sam? tony: good. you're doing fine. just-- just relax. i want you to press the green button, sam. the green button on the panel board. [man speaks indistinctly over pa] he did it. i knew he could. heh. all right, you're doing great. now, sam, i want you to press the red button. yeah. excellent. all right now, sam, you-- you're just doing fine. i want you to press the red and the green button at the same time. tony: red and green, sam. green and red, sam. sam: red and green? are you kidding? i've only got two hands, you know. it's do this, do that. do you know the trouble with you human beings? you're never satisfied.

[ ] tony: i will. yes, you know i will. all right, give my love to dad and sis. yes, okay, bye. was that your mother again, master? uh-huh. the usual thing, you know. stay out of drafts, marry a nice girl. i am a nice girl, master. yes, i know you are, jeannie. somehow i-- i don't think you're exactly what my mother has in mind. my family never calls me. do you know, master, i have not seen my sister jeannie for over 200 years. jeannie? your sister's name is jeannie? oh, yes, we are all jeannies. [chuckling] no kidding. how do they tell you apart? oh, you would have no difficulty telling my sister jeannie from me, master. she's very... different. well, if you miss her so much, why don't you call her?

[laughs] [ ] i'll be home early. i want to get to bed early. don't plan anything fancy, huh? have a good day, master. okay. [giggles] "reverse the charges." [giggles] well, i will do better than that. oh. yes, master poopsie, what is it this time? jeannie. do you not recognize me? it is your sister, jeannie. well, careful, careful, darling, my hair. well, what am i doing here? well, my master was talking about his family so i began to think, we had not seen each other

well... here you are. well, frankly, darling, i'm grateful. your homey, little impulse may just have saved me from a long, dull summer. [sighs] i don't know what your master is like, but mine's a drag. oh, not my major nelson. he is a wonderful man. for starters, he's 80, and he's got 36 wives. well, my major nelson is not married. [giggles] but i am hopeful. [laughs smugly] so, he keeps me in that stuffy, old bottle all day long until the ashtrays in one of his limousines gets filled up. and then it's zap, out of the bottle. poof, a new limousine. and squish, back in the old jug again. i'm so bored i could scream. well, my master hardly let's me give him anything.

well, if he doesn't want anything, what do you do all day long? oh, we go places and do things together. in fact, i am hardly ever in my bottle. jeannie's sister: is this your major nelson, darling? jeannie: is he not beautiful? mmmm. groovy. [chuckles] but he sure could provide you with a better bottle. this is pretty tiny. oh, no, it is quite comfortable. oh, don't kid me, sis. you must be cramped in there. oh, no, truly, i will show you. jeannie: see? it is most cozy. glad you like it, darling, because from now on it's home sweet home. what are you doing? jeannie: you let me out of here. and don't worry about your major nelson, darling.

[laughs] ugh.

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[ ] hello? anybody home? well. master, darling, oh, hi, jeannie you're home. well, that's what i call starting the day off right. you're not... i-- i always knew i had sneaky charm, it just takes a-- a year or two to sink in. [chuckles] help, major healey! let me out! you are an imposter. jeannie: let me out! don't look now but i think somebody's in your bottle. oh, it's just the cleaning lady, sweetheart. pay no attention. jeannie: it is me, major healey. it is me, jeannie. oh, let me out. let me out.

if you're jeannie... then who are you? i'm glad you asked, darling. hey, wait a minute. whoa! boy, she sure has a spooky idea of a practical joke. oh! going south? [yawning] hey, jeannie, i'm home. yummy. [growls] master, i'm so happy to finally see you. what's gotten into you anyway? oh, nothing. don't i always kiss you when you come home at night? yeah, well not that way. what a waste. look. restrain yourself, please. what's for dinner? well, that's up to you, baby.

for a nice, thick chateaubriand with b\arnaise sauce? [chuckling] the kitchen. look, i'm bushed. anything in the refrigerator will be fine. master, darling, we're going out to eat. oh, no, we're not. i want you to promise me never to do this sort of thing again. cherries jubilee, my utter favorite. i thought you hated cherries. well, i mean, my new favorite. [giggles] jeannie, i don't know what you're trying to prove but this new style of yours has got to quit. oh, but that's what you need, master, a new style. and a brand-new jeannie to go with it. and there are going to be some changes made, darling. you're really going to swing. i'm going home. and so are you. home? [laughs] darling, the evening is young. pay the check. pay the check?

jeannie, i don't know if you've forgotten, but i'm the guy that found you in that bottle on the beach. i give the orders around here. we are going home. [go-go music playing] no, no, darling. it's all in the hips. watch. i'm watching, i'm watching. you could get arrested for that. for this? oh, darling, you should see me when i really move. [laughs] can't we get outta here, please? oh, i dig. like you say, you're the master, darling.

cha-cha-cha. huh? oh. jeannie, can't-- can't we go home? i'm-- i'm due at the base in two hours. oh, not yet, darling. i want to see the sun rise above sugarloaf. uh, well, all right, you-- you can stay here and do all the dancing you want to. i'm going home. sugarloaf? where are we? brazil. huh? all right, major nelson, i want your reactions to yesterday's simulator flight, exactly as you remember them. now, uh, major nelson? wake up, major. oh. dr. bellows, what are you doing here, sir? this happens to be my office. oh, of course it is. i'm sorry, sir. i-- i didn't get much sleep last night. [yawns] should we get started with the de-briefing. uh, fine.

major nelson. wake up! [knocks] tony? tony? are you in there? i've gotta talk to you. jeannie: major healey, help! let me out. jeannie, is that you? oh, it is terrible. my own sister, she has locked me in my bottle. oh, where is she? she is with my master. oh, please, help me! oh, don't worry, don't worry. old roge will come to the rescue. please, hurry. okay, here i come. [magic boings] hi. bye. [laughs] comfy, sister dear?

what have you done with my master? where is he? oh, cool it, sis. we've got business to discuss. master? master? relax. he's at his little dullsville job. his job is not dullsville. i could make him the swingingest master going. you don't appreciate his potential. i like him the way he is. mm-hmm. well, i see him in a white dinner jacket with a daiquiri in one hand and an expensive cigar in the other. uh, i'm fine now, sir. good. now, if we-- major nelson, what are you wearing? wearing, sir? well, my uniform.

well, my master and i are perfectly happy and-- and i-- i think he looks handsome in his uniform. that's a uniform? yes, sir. oh, i-- [laughs] i'm sorry, major. uh, for a moment, i could have sworn that you were wearing a dinner jacket and smoking a cigar. i don't smoke, sir. i didn't let you out of the bottle to argue with you. i've got it all figured out. you're going to take my place back in baghdad, keeping old ibn grandpa supplied in limousines. i will do no such thing. while i stay here and teach that gorgeous hunk of a sow's ear what life is all about. how dare you suggest such a thing. i-- what makes you think i will allow you to steal my master? oh, let's face it, sis. your major nelson has jet-set potential, and you're a horse-and-buggy genie.

may we get along with the debriefing, sir. [bugle plays] uh?! oh! i'm s-- major, put down that polo mallet. what polo mallet, sir? don't make me get rough, sis. you'll like the old coot. he's, uh, just your style. well, i would not trade my master for 50 sheiks. oh, now, how do you know, you haven't even seen him yet. he can be pretty, uh, regal in his burnoose and his flowing, white robes. [muffled yell] do, uh, i look all right to you? oh, fine, fine, sir. well, a second ago, i-- i thought you were standing over me with a polo mallet. uh, look at my eyes, do they look clouded or anything? no, sir, you look just the same.

almost. well-- well, okay, sis, if you feel that way about it. after all, i only want you to be happy. we are sisters, aren't we? a bient t. tony's voice: jeannie, help. she's got me trapped in the bottle. she's gonna take me back with her. oh. oh! do not worry, master, i am coming. master? better luck next time. [gasps] she tricked me with his voice. ooh! ha, ha! you can forget about your major nelson, sweetheart.

jeannie, would you get us home? would ya? what is this? uh, hadn't you better shoot, love? i think he's charging. [snorts] [screams] bravo, bwana. jeannie's sister: i won't be a minute, darling, and then we're off to portugal. [knocking on glass] come in. what did you say, darling? i thought i heard somebody knock. [laughs] your nerves are jumpy. [knocking on glass] jeannie: master. [knocking]

help! master, let me out! wh-- jeannie? jeannie's sister: angel mustn't get impatient. [gasping] oh, master! wait a minute. your sister? your sister? oh, i am so glad you are safe. safe? nobody's safe with her around. i'm almost dead. jeannie's sister: i'm ready, tony, baby. shh. pretend that you still think she is me. you-- wait a minute. wait-- jeannie. jeannie's sister: how does this strike you? do you think it'll match portugal? oh, it's very nice. it's-- i like the blue one better. uh, the blue one? yeah, my favorite. the one you wore last saturday night. it's in your bottle. where did you get that? oh, it was right here, where it always is.

you know, jeannie, i like you much better now than the way you were before. you do? say, why don't you hop into that little blue number and we'll paint portugal red, huh? well... okay. it'll just take a minute. gotcha. oh, boy. tony! now we'll see who's master around here. tony! jeannie's in there. we gotta let her out quick. wait. wait a minute. she's been trapped in there for days. do you know what you've done? yeah, there's a bad jeannie around here someplace, and the real one's in the bottle. and the bad jeannie came... and the real... yeah, yeah. wrong jeannie. right, jeannie, darling. wrong man. bye, tony.

[chuckles] she's all heart. jeannie? tony: jeannie! i am here, master. stop her, stop her. well, so you want a showdown? he is mine and you keep your hands off. well, if you want him, sister dear, you simply have to fight for him. well, all right, then. i will. house rules? house rules. [cackles] uh, w-what's house rules? she means we can only use what's here in the house. oh, well, hey, if that's the case-- well, maybe if i shed some light on the subject you'd see things more clearly. ladies, i really don't think-- [laughs] look, uh, girls, why don't you negotiate? i mean, after all, you're sisters.

yeah, uh-- i mean, blood is thicker than-- master! [laughs] tony: wait a minute. [chuckles] [yells] waa! ow! tony: wait a minute. wait-- [coughs] would you-- would you-- jeannie, doesn't she have a master of her own? oh, master, you are brilliant. [laughing] oh. why did i not think of that? ahh, there you are, you wicked jeannie. i've been looking for you everywhere. i will have you whipped for this. back in the bottle. dirty pool. sheik: in the bottle,

yes, master. i'll be back, darlings. uh, major nelson, i understand now what happened this morning. it was all suggestion. [chuckles] you were saying, sir? uh, nothing, major. i'm not even here. [ ] you both have a perfect driving record. >>perfect. no tickets. no accidents... >>that is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. >>yup... now, you would think your insurance company would cut you some slack, right?

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psst! let's make a break for it. roge, you look half dead. come on inside. oh, no, no, i can't. she'll send me to the bottom of the sea. that's the only place left. no, we got rid of her. relax, it's okay. no, it's okay, come on in. oh, you... you don't know how hot it can get. yeah, i know. you don't know how cold it can get. [as her sister] darlings. [laughs] oh, it is my sister's, master, and i thought i would try it on. do you like it? you gave me quite a start, young lady. it's all right, roger. it's the real jeannie. no, it-- no, it really is. tell him, um-- tell him about last wednesday night, all the fun we had. wednesday night? yeah. i do not remember. tuesday night? nope. um, thursday night? no. well, you-- you-- you pick a night.