come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous

you can't take those undershorts, stanley. they're torn. it's not going to be formal, helen. look, i can't help the hole in your head but you're not leaving here with a hole in your shorts.

'cause i'm taking this trip, huh? mad? just because you prefer to spend your night looking at some godforsaken piece of desert instead of at me? desert? you call this property a desert? look at this. look. see the hotel? see the swimming pool? see the tennis courts? where? right there where it says "artist conception." it's a long way between conception and birth, you know. why do you have to bring sex into everything? if i don't, who will? well, it looks like nothing now but that's why you can get it so cheap. you see, that's the trick. you buy low and you wait for it to go up. and suppose it doesn't? you know the trouble with you, helen? you're afraid to take a risk.

i married you, didn't i? i just want to go up there to make some money for us. oh, come on, stanley, i know you. you want to go up there for the free plane ride and the free entertainment. my toothbrush. they'll take you for everything you've got. helen, i'm in the bathroom. oh. oh, sorry, stanley. i only meant... well, you're such a pushover for a sales pitch. helen, don't worry. i'm not going to lay out a penny until i'm convinced it's a sure thing. i'm nobody's fool. oh, yes, you are. you're mine. all mine. well, i got a couple of hours till the plane leaves. how am i going to kill the time?

yeah. i forgot my aspirin. good morning. hi. uh, excuse me, i'd like to ask a question but i don't know which end to talk to. what is it, jack? ah, there you are. what is this supposed to do for you? oh, well, it eases the mind it soothes the spirit and it firms up the body. yeah, well, don't get too firm. i like to see a jiggle now and then. these exercises wouldn't do you any harm. oh, this stuff's not for me. when i want exercise see, i go down to the gym. i lift some weights, punch the bag do a couple of miles around the track-- real exercise. this is kid's stuff. kid's stuff, huh? i'd like to see you try it. oh, this is going to be easy. i'll... i'm... what do you want me to do? let's start out with a simple posture, the lotus.

yeah. take one of your feets... yeah? lift it up with the bottom towards the ceiling and gently place it in this position. it's easy. okay, now take the other one and do the same thing... gently. hey, that's pretty good. thank you. see, i told you it was easy. it's really great. i didn't think he could do it. uh, when does it stop? when does what stop? the pain. okay, janet, how do i get out of this? well, that's next week's lesson.

come here. hey. it was easy, huh? i said it was easy getting into it not getting out of it. all right. all right. i'll help you. ( phone rings ) oh, wait a minute, got to get the phone. hello? oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. hey, it's for you. shall i say you're all tied up? give me the phone. ( groans ) hello? oh, it's you, linda. how are you, baby? huh? how come i sound so passionate this early in the morning? oh, uh, well, i guess it's 'cause i'm talking to you. i can't help myself. uh, listen, linda, real fast you want to do something tomorrow night? oh, terrific. look, uh, i got to run now, okay? i'll talk to you later. bye-bye. here. okay.

would you please help me out of this? all right. all right. ( groans ) easy. ( squeals ) you want to make a wish? no! ( doorbell rings ) oh, good morning, chrissy. hi. come on in. i hope i'm not interrupting anything. oh, no. we're just exercising. oh. did you lose something, jack? yeah, my circulation. what's new, mrs. roper? oh, stanley's leaving me. oh, no. what? hold the congratulations. he'll only be gone overnight-- a business trip. oh. oh. so, tonight i'll be free as a bird. have the house all to myself. be able to do anything i please.

what do you plan to do? i plan to be terrified. what? oh, janet, i hate being alone. it scares me to death. i jump at every little noise. oh, gee, well, why don't you get somebody to stay overnight with you? well, i wouldn't want to impose. that is no imposition. a real friend would be glad to. oh, thank you, janet! i accept. what? you're a real friend. oh, but mrs. roper... oh, i'm so excited. just imagine-- tonight i'll have someone to talk to. that was very nice of you, janet to volunteer like that. but don't worry about us. we'll think of something to do. i'll bet you will. what do you mean, "i'll bet you will"? i know what she means. i know what was going through your wicked little mind. you think that the moment you're gone i'm going to grab chrissy like this and bend her over and smother her with kisses and pick her up in amy arms

and then who knows what? what? is that the kind of guy you think i am? yes. well, i'm not going to stand here and be insulted. i'm leaving. oh, yeah? where you going? well, i got to do some fast shopping for a very special dinner for two. uh, chrissy, maybe i shouldn't stay with mrs. roper tonight. now i'm insulted. oh, no, don't get me wrong. hey, i have been alone with jack before. well, never all night. do you think i need a chaperone? is that what you think? oh, no, no, no. i'm just saying don't do anything to give him the wrong ideas. or the right ideas, or any ideas. like what? well, like, walking around the apartment in your little teeny, shorty night gown. or-or getting too close to him. or... oh, look, chrissy, all i'm trying to say is

chrissy? how about a little wine and cheese before dinner? chrissy... i know. i look icky, don't i? no, you look wonderful. i do? yeah. natural and real. it's such a refreshing change. it is? and those curlers-- oh, chrissy. reminds me of my first girlfriend. i was crazy about her. you were? oh, yeah. every time i came to her house she had these curlers in her hair. it really turned me on. they did? you know something, chrissy i love it when you're not afraid to be yourself in front of me. it makes me feel so much closer to you.

yeah. come on, sit down. what are you doing? i'm reading. well, isn't that kind of rude? you said you like me to be myself. well, yeah, but i didn't mean to pull out a book and start... hey, but i'm at the most exciting part and i just can't put it down. you know something, chrissy even when you're rude, you're cute.

that mrs. roper and i had a pretty exciting evening. yeah, we played dominoes for about four hours. which reminds me, i still owe mrs. roper 1,700 match sticks. that's nice. yeah, and we talked. yeah, yes, we did. ( chuckling ) did you know that mrs. roper's mother was a dressmaker?

( chuckling ) yeah, you know, when mrs. roper married stanley her mother made all the bridesmaids' gowns for the wedding. all in black satin. that's nice. chrissy, is something wrong? oh, janet will you knock it off? the last thing i need is your third degree so just get off my back, okay? ( door shuts ) chrissy?! jack: oh, what a beautiful mornin' oh, what a beautiful day hwa!!! i've got... jack, are you decent? depends on what you got in mind. jack?! sure, come on in. hi. hi. isn't it a sensational day? i feel great, the sun is shining the birds are singing, surf's up. how was your night? oh, it was okay but i always find it hard sleeping in a strange bed. oh, me, too.

so, what did you do? oh, nothing much. it was very quiet without you around. thank you. i mean it gave me a chance to get really close to chrissy. how close? i know a lot more about her now than i did before. when chrissy's had a little to drink she really loosens up. how loose? did you know she has a heart-shaped birthmark right on her...? yes, i did. and that she talks in her sleep? jack?! there's a bright, golden haze on the meadow... uh, chrissy uh, i think maybe we should talk about last night. oh, i can't. it's... it's just too humiliating. humiliating? i knew it! oh, now, listen, chrissy

you beast. how did it start? oh, it started out real nice and then we had some wine. oh, boy, does he know his onions. oh, no, we didn't have any onions. we had some cheese, and... no. no, no, chrissy, what happened after the wine? we talked. and? he kissed me on the forehead. before or after? instead of. do you mean that he didn't try to...? no. not even a little...? no! he just wasn't interested. wasn't interested? oh, janet, do you think i'm losing my sex appeal? oh...! come on. he didn't try anything all night. well, chrissy... oh, i am losing my sex appeal. what did you want him to do? nothing. that's what he did.

would he have succeeded? of course not, but he didn't know that. you're right. men are really beasts. beast!!! it's all mr. roper's fault for going away in the first place. fun? helen, i'm not having any fun. no, what do you mean "it sounds like fun?" no, that's some crazy party in the next room. kept me up all night. as a matter of fact i called the police to complain about it. i'm not a spoilsport. do you know i had to drink seven cups of cocoa to get to sleep? and then, i couldn't sleep

what? the property? yeah, i saw the property. it's a very nice piece of desert. but the one thing i can't figure out is where they're going to get the water from. ( knock at door ) somebody at the door. come in. hey, roper, what's the matter? i just found out you're not at the party! hey, you're missing out on a swell time, right, sherry? mmm, it's a real blast! ( laughing ) is that your party next door? yeah, didn't you get the invitation? i never got an invitation. oh, hey, i'm sorry. oh, uh, sherry lee, stan roper. how do you do, stanley? hello. sherry, is it? mm-hmm. come on out to the pool. we're all going to take a... skinny dip. skinny dip? helen, uh, listen, i got a meeting. uh, mr. crawford just came in with one of his, uh... men. yeah.

that hasn't bought a lot yet. well, he's the only one that isn't bombed out of his skull. well, you get freaks once in a while. work on him. okay, but why do they always have to look like that? i'll be home tonight, helen. yeah, o-okay. bye. stanley... could i use your bathroom for a minute? i spilled a little drinkie-poo on my blouse. sure, go ahead. stan, everybody's buying up those lots out there. i'm afraid they're all going to be gone unless you sign up right now. what about the water? the water's fine. why don't you come on out and splash around with the girls? i don't mean that water. stanley? whoa, on second thought i think you can have some fun right here, huh? ( laughing ) hey, listen, i'll save that lot for you. see you later, stan. yeah, but, mr. crawford...

what is it? do you have a shirt i could wear? i had to wash my blouse. but, you're not wearing any... but, it's soaking wet. i don't think i have a shirt in your... sizes. uh, size! i'll take anything you've got. i don't have anything. i mean, sh-shouldn't...? ( pounding on door ) police! oh, my god, it's a raid! hey, charlie, here's another one. okay, you two, let's go. but officer. i'm the one who called. that's right, gramps-- you called, she came. so, let's go, let's go. get dressed. that's right, linda, where do you want to go tonight? jack, please?

can you call me back in a little bit? oh, thanks. okay, bye-bye. listen, jack, i know this sounds stupid but i think you should apologize to chrissy. she's upset about last night. nothing happened. that's what i mean. just a minute. you mean, she expected me to...? and she's upset because i didn't make a...? well, that's crazy. oh, now, listen, jack chrissy knows you come on strong with every girl you meet so, last night, when you didn't come on with her she just thought she wasn't worth the effort. oh... with chrissy, it wouldn't be an effort. well, tell her. chrissy, hey, i-i'm sorry you're upset. who says i'm upset? well, you always eat too much when you're upset. so, i'm fat and ugly. who cares? i do. look, chrissy... i'm sorry i didn't make a pass at you last night. oh, janet, how could you have told him that?! wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

now, sit down, chrissy. look, see, i thought that... chrissy, she told me because she loves you and i love you. i mean, i don't "love you" love you. i love you in a "like you" kind of way. when i say "i love you"... get on with it. chrissy, i thought we had a great time last night. maybe it could have been even better. maybe i would have tried to get it on with you but i'm seeing linda now on a regular basis and i can't help it. i guess i'm a one-woman kind of guy. one at a time. it is not important. it is important! if i wasn't dating linda i'd have been all over you last night. yeah, i would have thrown you on the sofa and ripped off your clothes and attacked you like a mad dog.

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that'll be linda again. she's crazy about me. you okay now, chrissy? ( doorbell ringing ) all better? ah, mrs. roper. hi, janet. oh, excuse me. this is personal. what? what time is mr. roper getting home? well, i just had a call from him and he says that he's going to have to stay in apache springs for two more days. why? what happened? i don't know. he was very vague about it. something about "official business" and "being detained for 48 hours." i just hope he checks with me before he gets everything locked up. oh, janet, i hate to impose but, well, could you stay with me for two more nights? oh... well, go ahead. don't worry about me. remember, he's got linda. okay. okay, okay.

oh, wonderful! oh, that's swell. hey, i'll polish up the dominoes. eee!!! i forgot about the dominoes. boy, that linda. i'm thinking of breaking it off with her. she said something i didn't dig. what? she said, "get lost." she's found another guy. well, anyway, you're looking at a free man, girls. so, what's on for tonight?