guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

oh, i just can't finish this. i keep reading the same line over and over. you really miss archie, don't you, ma? oh, yeah. when i saw him put on his little soldier cap

it reminded me how much i missed him when he went off to fort dix to fight hitler. i don't understand, ma. i mean, the convention's in manhattan. why can't archie sleep here? why does he have to sleep at a hotel? well, it isn't just any hotel. it's the new howard johnson. boy! oh, boy! oh, boy, oh, boy. gloria, what's the matter? you have a hard day? michael, you don't know the half of it. i thought everything that could possibly happen to me on the subway had already happened, but tonight topped 'em all. well, what happened? i got a seat. [laughs] you tricked me! she's always doing that to me! hi, ma. hi, gloria. you tricked me, too. i'm sorry, ma. it's just that i'm in such a good mood 'cause it's saturday night. and tomorrow's sunday, which means i got the whole day off. and you bought yourself something. [doorbell rings] oh, yeah. wait till you see. what is it? michael, don't come up.

oh, hi, frank! come in. thank you. hi, mike. hey, frank. ah, edith...you got anything special on tonight? oh, no. i've worn this dress lots of times. no, no. i mean, irene and i are going to the movies. you wanna come with us? oh, thank you. are you sure it's all right? you know what they say, "two's company, three's a crowd." you want me to ditch irene? frank! i'll send her out for some popcorn and you and i can sneak up to the balcony, huh? oh, frank. you're so funny. what do you say? you wanna come? i'd love to. good! i'll go and tell irene. what's playing? cries & whispers, an ingmar bergman picture. that must be a new one. i've seen every picture she's made. oh, no, no. not ingrid. ingmar bergman, the famous swedish director. hey, frank, do you mind if gloria and i go with you? oh, it's a pleasure!

oh, no, frank, really. i mean, we'll pay our own-- no, no, no, no. i don't want to hear about it. it's bad luck to go dutch treat to a swedish movie. i'll call gloria. hey, gloria! you wanna go to the movies?! gloria: love it! hurry it up! think i'll wrap up a piece of pie to take with me. i ain't never seen a swedish movie before. how will i know what they're saying? oh, don't worry. this one will have subtitles along the bottom, which is better than the foreign film i saw last week, which had no subtitles at all. i couldn't understand a single word. oh, my. because you couldn't understand the language? how could i? it was british. well, you know how they talk. [imitates british accent] hello. cheerio, old chap. [mumbles] god save the queen, old boy! frank, what time does the movie start? oh, uh, it starts at 8:30. so let's be ready in five minutes, huh? [imitates english accent] oh, cheerio, reggie, old boy. [mumbles]

gloria: well, somebody say something. gloria, look at you. you ain't you. michael? amazing. well, do you like it? i love it! [imitating groucho marx] i suppose i should throw myself at your feet. but instead, i think i'll throw myself at your head. that tickles! it's incredible, gloria! it changes your whole personality. what made you buy it? well, i got tired of having to wash my hair every other day, and it was on sale at kressler's. it makes you look so... well, let me put it this way. oh! now let me put it this way. and let me put it this way. listen, i hate to interrupt you, but if we don't get going, we'll miss the beginning of the picture. oh, yeah. come on, michael. gloria, i was just thinking.

but, michael, it's saturday night. oh, big deal! saturday night. gloria, it's only lonely, unfulfilled people who have to go out just because it's saturday night. when two people love each other, any night of the week can be saturday night. but, michael, i've been cooped up at the store all day long, and i've really been looking forward to going out tonight. we really ought to be going. uh, ma, just a second. excuse me, please. gloria... think about it. well-- and you know what i just remembered? you know what's on tv tonight? no. citizen kane. tonight? yeah! really? that's right! oh, ma. you go ahead and go without us. we're gonna stay home tonight. i think mike wants to be alone with you. citizen kane is on tomorrow night.

oh, well, bye, mike! oh. bye, mom! and watch out for that frank lorenzo. all right. oh, mike! honey, i'm so glad you thought of it, 'cause citizen kane is supposed to be one of the really great movies of all time. so why don't you turn on the tv and i'll be right down, okay? uh, where are you going? i'm going upstairs to take off the wig. no! i mean...no. why don't you leave it on? well, i don't need it on to watch tv. b-but think how much fun it'll be, gloria, sitting home and watching television with a glamorous, dark-haired movie star. okay, michael. come on, sit down. [sighs] oh, will you please turn on the tv? what for? well, it'll be easier to see citizen kane if the television set's on. oh, yeah. uh, well...it's not on yet. oh, well, what time does it come on?

what? uh, don't get mad, gloria. michael, you tricked me! gloria, i just wanted for the two of us to be alone, that's all. well, why'd you have to lie to me? the truth wasn't working so good. get lost, you! i know, i know. you're right, gloria. the truth is you're my wife and i love you, and, like i said, i just wanted for the two of us to be alone, that's all. i'm-- i'm sorry i lied to you. well, that's all right, michael. we can watch citizen kane tomorrow night. well, gloria, don't try to make me feel bet-- tomorrow night? yeah. that's when it's on. i marked it here in the tv guide 'cause i didn't want to miss it. gloria! you mean, you knew citizen kane wasn't on tonight? yeah. so why did you let me go on like that, making a fool out of myself? 'cause you were saying such beautiful things. you tricked me! that's right! oh, gloria! i'll kill you! your trick was worse than my trick, because you knew and i didn't know.

michael, calm down, calm down! don't tell me to calm down! not until i tell you what i have to! last one up the stairs is a rotten egg. no! hey, gloria. what's taking you so long? i'm brushing my teeth! oh. well, hurry it up! i'll be right in, honey! sorry i took so long, honey. oh, that's all right. gloria, wh-what did you do? i don't know. what did i do? you took off the wig! oh, yeah, sure. i'm not gonna sleep in it.

honey, you look so cute in it. well, don't you think i look cute without it? oh, sure, sure. you look beautiful. oh, tell me more. you know, i can't get over how cute you looked in that wig. i'm glad, honey. i didn't think you were gonna like it. are you kidding me? i loved it! it's beautiful! put it on. no, honey, 'cause i have to pin my hair and wrap it. it's a net. it takes too long. i can wait. come on, michael, come to bed. my feet are cold. wait, wait, gloria. just a second. just a second. do it for me, huh? just for me. put the wig on, huh? i-it makes you look so...different. different. makes me look so different. michael, i may be slow, but it's finally getting through to me. i only appeal to you when i have this dumb wig on! gloria, that's not true. michael, it's not me. it's this pile of hair from kressler's

i just happen to be standing underneath it. gloria, how can you say that? that's not true! i love you with or without the wig. it's just that... right now, i'd like you with the wig. sure you would! because that way, you can mess around with a different girl without cheating on your wife! what a sickie! you're calling me a sickie, gloria? you're the sick one! you're jealous of your own wig! all i know is that you're in love with the fantasy figure with dark hair. no! no, that's not true. i'm in love with you, gloria. look, i wanna show you something. look at this. look at this here. you know what this is? here, it's a whole tray full of fantasy here. and look what you've got here. perfumes, lipsticks, mascaras, blue eye shadow, green eye shadow... false eyelashes. and what is all this here for, gloria? all to make you more attractive to me.

gee, honey, what are we arguing about? come on, put it on. no! why not? i'm not gonna be the other woman in my own marriage! honey, you're not making any sense. oh, yes, i am, michael! it's not me you're attracted to...it's her! well, the three of us are not gonna share this bed tonight! i don't even think i wanna share it with you! oh, okay! if that's what you want, gloria, fine. that's okay. i'll sleep on the couch. good night! michael, wait! wait! don't forget your girlfriend.

good morning, gloria. good morning. if you're looking for mike, he ain't here. i wasn't looking for him.

he went for a walk in the park. i hope he gets mugged... gloria. ...by someone wearing a wig. gloria, i'll fix you a nice breakfast. then you'll feel better. no, thanks, ma. i have no appetite. oh, it was the same with mike. he only ate two pieces of bacon and he hardly touched his third egg. [sarcastically] oh, the poor thing. well, he was very upset, gloria. he told me about you and him and the wig. gloria, i don't understand. what did he do that made you so mad? ma, how would you feel? i put on the wig, and something came over him. he became sensuous and demanding and passionate. it was terrible. i must have missed something.

oh, the long and the short and the tall gloria, here comes your father! there'll be no promotion this side of the ocean so cheer up, my lads bless 'em all well, edith... as general macarthur said, we have returned lafayette. oh! my soldier boy has returned! yeah! oh, archie, i missed you so much. yeah, i know that, edith. hi there, little girl. hi, daddy. [mockingly] hi, daddy. jeez, that's a swell greeting i get. what's the matter? anything wrong with you? i've seen happier faces on iodine bottles. i'm fine. did you have a good time at your convention? oh, yeah! we had--

that we go to conventions, to have a good time, you know. we've got a lot of important things to do. edith, get coffee, huh? yes. so, yeah, while we're there, we welcome new members. we go to meetings. we attend them there, what do you call... secret crocuses. the most important thing we do is defend our country, long may she wave, against the bleeding-heart liberals, who want to destroy the peace of this world by taking the guns away from our boys. where's the meathead? i wish he could hear some of this. didn't you have any fun, archie? oh, yeah. yeah, sure, edith. we had a little fun. you know, just before lights out, bend a few elbows, have a few laughs. i tell you, there's this guy, jerry cromwell, from jersey city, you know. he got himself one of these electric cattle prods. he'd get into the elevator, you know. he introduced himself to the ladies from behind with a little whoops, eh?

yeah, edith, he always does it. that's, er, what do you call it? tradition. i mean, that's what makes the military what it is. tradition. sounds like a million laughs. now, listen, little girl... we do just what we done overseas there in ww2. come back after a hard day's fighting, you need a few laughs to break up the monogamy. that's what these conventions do. they break up monogamy. some fun. a bunch of old goats molesting unsuspecting women. ah, come on, now! hey! there was no molesting, eh. nobody laid a hand on nobody else. just every now and then, a little electric whoops with the prod. it's a little innocent fun. and them old goats you're talking about are just like your father here. they're happy married men. happily married men? don't you tell me about happily married men.

i should know, 'cause i'm married to a happily married man. what the hell's this all about? i don't wanna talk about it! you just talked about it! will you leave me alone? [moans] it's that time of the month again, huh? no, archie. mike and gloria had a fight, and he walked out of the house. you ain't just telling that to make me feel good, are you? archie! all right, all right. well, what happened, anyway? give me the whole story. but don't make any detours, huh? just give it to me short and sweet. all right. mike fell in love with a wig.

gloria said he did, and she was there. you see, gloria bought this wig, and when she put it on, she looked beautiful. mike loved her in it. well, what's the matter with that? well, there's more, but i can't talk about it. force yourself, huh? well... mike wanted her to wear the wig when... when... well, you know what married people do...

oh, here he is, huh? here's the-- wait a minute! where do you think you're going? to talk to gloria. oh, no, no. hey! hey, gloria, the meathead's back! lock your door! my daughter don't wanna talk to you, you hair lover. i thought you were still in the city making times square safe for democracy. i want to talk to you, though! well, well, well. look who's here. did you decide to come back to finish your third egg? gloria, i wanna talk to you. hey, hey, did he eat three eggs? gloria, for the past hour, i've been walking around in the park. arm in arm with a wig? will you stay out of this, please? i've been walking in the park feeling terribly guilty about what happened last night. then suddenly it hit me. what am i feeling guilty about? i mean, what did i do wrong? will somebody please tell me what i did wrong?

hey, hey! cut that out! edith don't wanna talk about that! i ain't talking, archie. i'm just listening. well, stifle yourself and quit listening. okay, michael, if you're gonna talk about our private problems in front of the whole world, you might as well tell 'em everything. you wanted to make love to me because i was wearing a wig. you, buddy, are a weirdwolf. gloria, why did you buy the wig? so i wouldn't have to shampoo my hair every five minutes. no, now that is not the only reason. you also know that you happen to look very attractive in it. well, i liked it. it worked. worked? you need a dose of saltpeter in your cornflakes! michael...are you actually saying that i'd turn myself into a sex object for your pleasure? sometimes, yes. the same way

how do you do that? put a bag over your head? why don't you run down to the post office and salute a flag? if you go with me! gloria, honey, believe me. it wasn't the wig. it was the fact that you were wearing the wig. that's what did it. gloria, remember the time i went shopping with you, and you bought that blue dress? there were three other girls in that store trying on the same dress, but they didn't do a thing for me. but when you put it on, remember how i reacted? yeah, you loved it. i didn't love the dress, gloria. i loved you in the dress. if i saw that dress on a hanger right now, it wouldn't do a thing for me. i'd like to see you on a hanger in the rain. will you just stay out of this, please? gloria, don't you see what i'm trying to say? it's-- it's not the object you're wearing.

i love you, gloria. did you get any sleep last night? no. neither did i. i think i'm gonna go take a little nap.

announcer: all in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.

guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days hello. i'm jerry mathers. i was the beaver in "leave it to beaver." a few years later, i was a type 2 diabetic. but i'm not anymore. diabetes causes neuropathy, blindness, and amputation. at its worst, it can kill you. today i want you to have a look

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hi, mike. hi, honey. hi. where you been? out shopping for a trousseau. oh, yeah? who's getting married? nobody. but someone's going on a honeymoon. that's the way to do it, skip the ceremony and get right to the essentials.

ma, he's gonna find out pretty soon anyway. can i tell him now? well, all right. but you gotta promise not to tell archie. okay. ma's going on a second honeymoon. with who? michael! well, you told me not to tell archie. i figured, hey, hey! no, mike! see, i wanna keep it a secret and surprise him so i ain't telling him till the night before we leave. where are you going? the hotel atlantic city in atlantic city. it's the same place we spent our first honeymoon 25 years ago. isn't that a great way to celebrate a 25th anniversary? yeah, that's very romantic, ma. what made you think of a second honeymoon? i was in the dentist's office reading this article in cosmopolitan magazine,

well, the first nine ways were a little too fresh for archie. but the last one said, "go on a second honeymoon and feel like a newlywed again," and that's what we're gonna do. honey, wouldn't you like to go on a second honeymoon? no. why not? i'm not through with my first one yet. all: ohhh! mike, while we was gone, was there a phone call or a telegram for me? no, ma. oh, my, the hotel said they'd let me know if they could give us the same room we had 25 years ago. [doorbell rings] maybe that's the telegram! i got the idea of the same room from watching the movie plaza suite. oh, hi, louise. hello, honeymoon girl. oh! hi, there. hi, louise. will this be all right for you?

it's airplane luggage. oh, my. oh, but don't worry, edith, you can take it on the bus. that's good. mike, would you take this upstairs to your room? if archie sees it, he may catch on. oh, sure, ma. oh, and, ma, i'd better hide your new negligee because if daddy sees it, he'll go wild. you mean, you haven't told archie yet? oh, no. i ain't gonna tell him till the last minute. i wanna surprise him. well, the last time we went away on a weekend, my husband surprised me. george and his practical jokes. what did he do? he signed the hotel register "mr. and mrs. george wallace." well, archie was very nice on our honeymoon. he was the perfect gentleman. oh, i'm sorry to hear that. better luck this time. oh!

what's with her, she hit on a number? no, archie, she's just happy. yeah? well, how come she's so happy in the middle of the week? i certainly ain't happy and i got a bone to pick with that son of hers, lionel. what happened? i wanted to go to the knicks-lakers game but i couldn't get off work to buy a ticket. i says to lionel, "i'll give you 5 bucks "if you go into madison square garden, stand on line for a ticket." that was two days ago. i ain't seen hide nor hair of him since. [phone ringing] i'll get it. i'll get it! i'll get it! go get it! edith: hello? yes, this is her. oh, would you hold on a minute, please? archie, this is a personal call.

no. for me. archie, this is private. hold it there. this happens to be my house, my living room. that's my telephone there. i'm in on all the privates in this house. hello? um, there's someone here in this room who ain't supposed to hear what i'm gonna say. so you talk and i'll go, "mm-hm," or "mm-mm." yeah. yeah. go ahead. mm-hm. mm-hm. mm-hm! oh, thank you! yeah. goodbye. what was that all about? [doorbell ringing] oh, i'll get it, i'll get it. i'll get it! get it! oh, hi, lionel. hi, mrs. bunker.

i came to tell you about the tickets. you didn't get it? no. i got it for you. you got the ticket! oh, whoop-de-do. lionel, i could kiss you. this i gotta see. shut up, huh? what's going on? there, a ticket to the lakers-knicks game. there. eat your heart out, meathead. oh, and, lionel, here's that $2 we was talking about. buy yourself something there. hey, wait, wait. didn't you say $5? well, let's wait and see if the game is any good, huh? hey, this game is next sunday. next sunday? oh, no, archie, you can't go! why not? next sunday is our 25th anniversary, remember? oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. oh, jeez, i'm sorry, edith, i forgot all about it. don't worry, don't worry. i'll make good. don't worry. hey, lionel, come here. you see the way this is, i'm in a corner here. you know, 25th anniversary,

i don't feel i can leave edith alone. you understand what i mean? i know what you mean. you want me to sell the ticket. no! i want you to get another ticket for edith. archie, i don't wanna go. you're going! no. it's impossible, mr. bunker. there's not another ticket around. they're all sold out. then i gotta go by myself. well, you heard me trying there, didn't you, with lionel? here, lionel, thanks very much. thanks for all you've done for me, really. that's all right, mr. bunker. hey, listen, is it really your 25th anniversary? twenty-fifth, lionel. you know this 2 bucks you gave me? yeah? buy yourself something. what does he expect me to buy with 2 bucks? archie, please don't go to the game.

we're gonna be together, edith, after the game. i'll come home, i'll pick you up, i'll maybe take you out for a pizza, a glass of wine or something. but it's our anniversary! i know it's our anniversary. our anniversary. that's a fifty-fifty proposition. what do you wanna do, spoil my half? i think you'd better tell him the surprise now. oh, yeah. i wanted to keep it a secret till next week, archie. does room 822 mean anything to you? it's a tv show, ain't it? no! don't you remember the hotel atlantic city? oh, yeah. what a fleabag. no, archie. it was lovely. that's where we spent our honeymoon. ah. remember? and i've reserved the same room for next weekend.

oh, no, we ain't, edie. you reserved that room, you just unreserve it. i got money invested in this ticket. what, arch, $7.50? ma, how much is that hotel reservation gonna cost? sixty-two dollars. sixty-two dollars? where did you get that kind of money? i saved a little bit every week from the house money. oh, well, edith, i'm sorry. you just better go get that money back. oh, but, archie, i can't. it's what they call a guaranteed reservation. you got a ticket worth $7.50 that you can easily get back, but you've got $62 invested in the hotel reservation that you can't get back. well, i'll show you the kind of man i am. i'll take the loss and go to the game. oh, no, archie. you can take your loss, but i ain't gonna take mine. you can go to a basketball game any day,

come right on in. archie! the first time we were here, you carried me across the threshold. get in here. oh, my! it's even prettier than last time. last time? yeah, we was here 25 years ago. ah, it's nice to have steady customers. here's your key, sir. if you need anything, just pick up the phone and ask for albert. i hope you have a very pleasant stay. yeah, thank you. good night. let me take care of-- oh, no, sir. our customers usually take care of us at checkout time. oh, yeah. good night.

it'll probably cost me more. well, i gotta hand it to you, edie. the hotel certainly has come up in the world. oh, yes! been all redecorated and everything. well, i wasn't talking about the redecoration. i was talking about the help, you know? notice all the high-tone coloreds here? that's what it takes for service. you know, that's what killed the railroads. they run out of all them high-tone coloreds. and after that, you couldn't get a decent pancake no more. i hope they think we're high-tone whites. well, archie! well, what?

being as here is where we was headed, edith. i don't see no miracle there. what do you wanna do first? oh, look at this. the three stooges are on the late show. oh! oh, no! now, take it easy. you don't like that, we watch johnny carson. archie, we can watch tv at home. we're on our honeymoon! oh, now, listen. now, listen. hey. take it easy with that stuff, huh? come on, will you? a honeymoon is for kids, edie. it's not for older people like you. archie, for your information, i'm at the prime of my life

i can't believe this. well, i didn't either until i read it in cosmopolitan magazine. don't believe everything you read, huh? no, archie! why don't we do what we did on our first honeymoon? what do you expect me to be? like the light switch? don't you remember? we sat by the window and listened to the ocean and talked about our future and all the things we was gonna do. i know, but we done all them things, edith. what's left to talk about? well, if we done them, then they're memories,

come on and sit down with me. don't push me around like a broom! ooh! wait a minute. oh, look, archie! it's still there! the atlantic ocean! oh, yes. well, i hope you can remember something. i can't think of nothing. i was just remembering how funny i felt the first time we was alone together in this room. well, it's only natural, edie. a young girl on her wedding night is bound to be a little scared, nervous. i wasn't scared.

because i was kind and, uh-- what do you call it? considerate. and sick. archie, have you been happy with me? well, certainly i've been happy with you, edith. jeez. of course, it took a little getting used to. i had to tell you a lot of little things, you remember? oh, yeah. i know. like, for instance, not to shake a beer can like tomato juice. in the first three days of our marriage,

what about you, edith? have you been happy with me? oh, yeah, archie. yeah? you mean, no complaints or nothing? oh, no. nothing. come on, now, edith. i know i'm pretty good but nobody's perfect. oh, that's right. everybody has some faults. yes. what faults? mmm, nothing. nothing. just... come on! what? what? well, like right now, you've got kind of a quick temper. but that ain't my fault. world war ii done that to me! but you're a good husband and a good father. remember when gloria had the measles

you came home and sat up with her all night long. you didn't get any sleep for two days. archie: yeah. and then when the fever broke, i remember we went down in the kitchen for a cup of coffee. the look on your face! i ain't never seen you happier in my life. well, that's probably because it was the first time you gave me a good cup of coffee. archie. ooh, my, look at the time. it's 1:00. let's go to bed, archie. i want everything to be just the same as it was on our first honeymoon. i'll be right back! alrighty. [knock at door] who's that? albert: albert, sir. oh, yeah, yeah. albert. i'm opening the door for you, albert. hey, what's all this? the basket of fruit

and the bottle of champagne was ordered to be delivered to your room. oh, yeah? and what about you? well, there's a card on the bottle, sir. oh. good night. yeah, good night. wait a minute. let me take care of you. oh, no, no, no. checkout time. got a feeling albert's going to cost me an arm and a leg. let's see what the card says here. "to the happy couple. "we hope this adds a little sparkle to your honeymoon. love, mike and gloria." i see the meathead puts his name first. and i bet it was gloria's idea. so what have we got here? new york champagne. hmm.

they don't grow raisins in new york. there. here we are. good old bubbles. [pops] edith: oh! archie! it's champagne! come on out, edie. it's a surprise out here! edith: what surprise? the kids! the kids. they sent us a bottle of champagne. edith: oh, ain't that sweet? well, come on out, now, and get some. edith: i'm coming! [archie clears throat]

gee, edie. you know, you look kind of pretty standing there. is that the same dress you was wearing when i first seen you come through that bathroom door? oh, no, archie, i just got this at bloomingdale's. gee, that's funny. you look just like you did 25 years ago. thank you, archie! come on. come on! let's kill this bottle of champagne, hey? uh-huh. wait! i'm going to make a toast. thank you for a wonderful 25 years. wow, edith. thank you too. after all, i couldn't have did it without you. [burps]

ahh. well, edith. well, what?

[ ] announcer: all in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience. captioning made possible by u.s. department of education, phillips petroleum, alcoa foundation,