[ "tonight show" theme ] >> here's johnny! [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> how are ya? oh. nice crowd. thank you. that's very nice.

thank you. look, that-- thank you. very nice, of you. anything i can do, for you? [ laughter ] friday night, huh? >> yup. >> friday-- it's always this way. what is it? >> yeah. >> can always tell, when you've got a great audience-- see a lady-- i see her-- wearing a t-shirt that says "abstinence "shmabtinence. "make me an offer." [ laughter ] hello, tom. >> how are ya? >> where's-- you know where doc is? >> yes, i do. >> where he-- what he-- where he's gonna be, this weekend? >> well, he's in phoenix, right now. >> wasn't he-- i thought he was going to the white house. >> that's sunday. [ laughter ] is he just going, via phoenix, or what? >> no, he's conducting the phoenix pops-- >> oh, he's doing the phoenix pops, tonight, and then sunday? >> sunday, at the white house. >> doc's appearing at the white house, at some kind of a-- i dunno. it's a little-- they're playing at the white house.

to the white house? >> well, i played a gypsy wedding, one time. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> where do those come from? what? you sound like a good, uh, group, but you reported late, tonight, so i'm gonna use the scab audience, instead, standing outside. [ laughter ] this is the monologue, uh, portion of the show, and i should remind you-- remember our motto-- "he who laughs last laughs outside." [ laughter ] the football strike is over. how many o' you knew that? [ applause ] yeah. yeah. and the head of the players' union, gene upshaw, is going back to his old job, as judge bork's p.r. man. [ laughter ] [ booing ] didn't t-- everybody

>> yeah. >> did you know, this week, bartles and jaymes are scabbing, for siskel and ebert? [ laughter ] speaking of bork, did you know reagan tried to give his pro-bork speech, the other day, and the three networks turned him down? they wouldn't let him on? [ applause ] uh, he went on cable. he went on cable, and he was such a hit, on cable, that he's replacing gallagher , on showtime, next week. [ laughter ] speaking of bork-- he seems like a nice man. i'm not taking a stand on thi-- if-- i-- one of the reasons i think he lost-- how many of you think he looked familiar? when you first saw judge bork. [ laughter ] you didn't think-- he used to be the evil dictator that was overthrown, every week, by the "mission impossible" team. [ laughter ] remember the-- they would always say, "this is [ indistinct ] you must capture him, and--" remember? [ laughter ] now, i-- it wasn't about the football strike. this, i don't understand.

did not come out, too well. they did not get the free agency they wanted, they don't have a collective bargaining agreement, they won't get full pay this week, and they can't play sunday. >> oy. >> aw. >> no, they can't play, because the owner said if they didn't report by wednesday, and they came in thursday, they can't play, this sunday. the owners did lighten up, a little bit, though. they offered the, uh-- the players season tickets, at half price. [ laughter ] [ clearing throat ] if they buy 'em before sunday. [ applause ] here's some-- hey, here's some thrilling news. guess who's gonna hold a telethon, next week. to raise money for operating expenses. the ptl. [ audience groaning ] is gonna have a telethon, to raise-- they have a $1.2 million payroll, and they have to meet operating expenses. they're gonna be on a two-hour telethon, five days a week... to cure the heartbreak of jim and tammy.

jim and tammy will personally call you. for $100, they won't call you, at all. [ laughter ] i was going for that. nothing much new, in the-- candidates out here, this weekend? >> yeah. who's out here? paul-paul simon is out here. uh, who else is out here, tryna raise money? dukakis? george bush has come up with a new campaign slogan. have you heard it? i think it's great. i've already got the parking spot." [ laughter ] that's his-- that's his campaign slogan. i'm just fishing around, here. don't worry! look, you got in, for nothin'. whaddya expect? [ laughter ] be thankful, for little favors. uh, how many of you know-- on this date, in 1758, noel webster, creator of the first dictionary, was born? [ applause ] that's right.

in 1800, and not one person, since then, has ever used those little thumb holes, on the side. [ laughter ] i don't know what they're there for. you just flip-- anybody, uh... [ laughter ] a gypsy wedding? [ laughter ] anybody here from new york city? [ applause ] [ cheering ] diyou see what happened to the people back there who collect the money from parking meters? thirty-three people-- which is almost the entire force of people who collect money from parking meters-- were arrested, for stealing money. [ laughter ] they were caught, when they tried to buy a house in the hamptons, for 900,000 quarters. [ laughter ] and they got wise, to it. well-- [ chuckling ] okay, we won't detain ya, any longer. we'll-- [ laughter ] [ laughing ] rush along, with our show. we've got, uh-- who do we have on, tonight? uh, we have a

what? [ laughter ] f-fred has the shakes, again. what-- w-what? what? i know what you're tryna tell me. i used to play charades. yes. or flautist-- what do you prefer? [ applause ] what? flautist? >> when you play like james galway, it's a flautist. >> ah. it's like, if you pay $500, or something, it's a "vase" instead of a vase? would that be a similar analogy? >> no. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughing ] o-okay. we have james galway, flautist extraordinaire. we have a young actress by the name of jennifer tilly-- is with us, tonight. and, a lady i have not met, yet, but-- it sounds fascinating, to me, and a lot of people have said to us, over the years, "when are you gonna have somebody

[ laughter ] "that collects potato chips?" [ laughter ] "and has an actual potato chip collection?" well, we found that lady. [ laughter ] [ chuckling ] she is myrtle young. she is from-- i believe, uh, from fort wayne, indiana? and she's gonna-- [ cheering ] and she's gonna show us her collection... [ laughter ] of potato chips. so, uh, you better fire up the old, uh, betamax. you wan-- you wanna-- [ laughter ] [ laughing ] so, stay where ya are.

[ applause ] [ applause ] >> we are back. we are back here. >> right. >> gypsy weddings-- it-- >> what was that? oh. "i played a gypsy wedding, once." >> it wasn't a gypsy wedding. what was it? >> was it a gypsy wedding? >> yes. >> oh, okay. i forgot. anyway, tonight, we have, uh-- hi, tom. [ laughter ] >> [ chuckling ] >> we have, uh-- [ laughing ] what are you, posing for a class picture, or something? [ laughter ] we have, um-- >> [ laughing ] [ laughter ] >> james galway, on the show, tonight. flautist. >> right. flautist. >> i thought it was flutist. i guess either one is interchangeable. jennifer tilly

okay, we have something here we-we think is rather interesting. if-if it happens to be humorous, along the way-- >> that would be great. >> that-that's gravy. do you think-- would if you met a guest, would you think you have more spare time-- leisure time-- whatever you wanna call it-- on your hands, now, than you did in 1960? because of technology. people say, "well, you have more leisure time." >> i don't think so. >> you don't think so? >> no. >> well, you're doing that-- >> would you like me to do-- think so? >> no, you don't have to, but-- >> if you want me to think so, i'll think so. i think so. >> that you have, what? less spare time? >> i have more spare time, now, because of technology. >> well, that-that's what i wanted you to say. [ laughter ] >> well, i just said it. >> and you were gonna go in the other way, because you knew i was goin' this way. >> [ chuckling ] >> i know how you play that game. do you ever-- you know what that game is called? that's called gamesmanship. >>eah. >> it's called underestimation. it's like if you drive to palm springs. now, palm springs, from here, is about what? 130 miles? 135 miles. >> right. >> people are always so proud of how fast they drive it. >> right. >> so, even though they're supposed to legally drive 55. here's what is called gamesmanship.

to palm springs. >> yeah. >> and i'm gonna ask you-- and let's say i drove it in, say, what? an hour and 45 minutes. >> right. >> and i'm really proud of it. how long do you think it took me to drive to palm springs, yesterday? >> about an hour? [ laughter ] >> you see what happens? you underestimate it-- killing 'em right off. that's what you were doing, here. >> i-- not on purpose. >> well. [ clearing throat ] no matter what you say, "american demographics--" >> [ chuckling ] >> there's a magazine called, uh, "american demographics." did you know that? >> no. >> you knew that, fred? >> yes, sir. >> it's a statistical magazine. how would you know about a magazine called-- >> i'm very interested in statistics. >> you are-- he-he's doing the same thing. >> [ chuckling ] >> this magazine says, despite all the advances in technology, we have only gained about 60 minutes a week of spare time, since 1960. >> that's hard to believe.

>> well, that's what it says. now, most people try to allot their spare time. have you ever had something to do on a weekend? well, you say, "i'll do that, in my spare time." >> right. >> and yet, you never seem to have enough spare time to do that. i'm overempa-- i'm over-explaining this bit. >> [ laughing ] >> for example, if you wanna find out what your-- where your money went, whaddya you do? you look in your checkbook, right? >> right. >> or you look at bank statement. >> right. >> and you can find out where every dollar went. right? >> that's exactly right. >> just keep saying "right." [ laughter ] well, where do you look to find out where your time goes? >> right. >> no, no. no. [ laughter ] [ applause ] there's no place to look where your time goes, right? well, what we did-- we made a study of our own. >> [ chuckling ] >> we think you'll find it enlightening. if you happen to find it humorous, so be it. we're not promising that. uh ,for example-- now, i have some cards, here, and i have to start off, this way. for example, we start off with 24 hours a day, 365 days in a year, right? >> mmm-hmm. >> that's 8760 hours a year. >> right. >> now, you don't have to keep saying that.

now, let's start to see how this breaks down. you w-- [ laughing ] now, you work about 40 hours a week, right? maybe two weeks off, a year? five-- the long weekends? that's 1960 hours working, which leaves 3880 hours a year, to get things done. okay? moving along, here. eating three meals a day and snacking takes about 45 minutes per meal. that leaves 2767 hours a year, to get things done. are you following this, so far? >> yes. >> okay. >> all right. the average american spends half an hour, commuting each way to and from work, plus three hours a week, driving to the supermarket, post office. that leaves 2361 hours a year, to get things done. so far, there's not a laugh in this entire-- [ laughter ] okay, let's-let's-let's roll along, here. >> very interesting. >> what? >> it's very interesting. [ laughter ] >> okay. personal hygiene. would you believe that showering, shaving, doing

dressing, laundry, and so-- two hours a day? leaves 1631 hours a year, to get things done? >> right. >> okay. of course you don't. okay. two hundred hours, standing in the 10 items or less... [ laughter ] [ applause ] line. >> now-- you see? >> took a long time to get a laugh, with this, but we got there. [ laughter ] you spend that amount of time-- 200 hours, standing in 10 items or less, at the supermarket, behind a woman with 91 bags of cat food and a husband who looks like rocky marciano. all right. you spend 350 hours a year, trying to reset the damn clock on your vcr... [ laughter ] [ applause ] so it will-- [ cheering ] to get it away from 12:00 noon blinking forever. okay? we spend an average of 81 hours a year, standing in line at the dmv, behind the chubby guy with a pint-sized coffee stain on his back--

we call that "scenic sunset." that leaves ya 1000 hours per year. you spend 20 hours, tryna get the tiny plastic strip outta the telephone, so you can write your phone number on the little card. [ laughter ] just the choreogro-- choreography of this thing, alone. we spend an average of 200 hours a year, on the telephone, on hold, listening to barry manilow sing "looks like we made it." [ laughter ] [ applause ] trying to remember which floor of 18-level mall parking structure you left your car takes an average of 150 hours a year, leaving 630 hours, there. fifty hours are spent ducking coworkers you run into at the water cooler, every day, who say, "we gotta stop meeting like this." [ laughter ] >> [ chuckling ] >> american men spend 20 minutes a day, or 120 hours a year, combing what hair they have over the hair

[ laughter ] you spend 40 hours a year at the self-service gas station cashier's window, signing the credit card voucher and wondering the last person who used that ballpoint pen. that leaves you 420 hours. [ laughter ] the graphics, alone, on this bit, to print these cards, probably cost us, oh, what? five, six hundred dollars. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> i'm now going for sympathy. [ laughter ] thirty hours a year are spent watching, uh-- watching the roll around your middle jiggle in the mirror, when you reach for the toothbrush. [ laughter ] that leaves ya 390 hours. you spend 55 hours trying to figure out who fooled with your bathroom tissue, so the paper now tears up, rather than from the bottom. [ laughter ] [ applause ] little known fact. telling the guy at the door that you think you should know if you ordered a pizza or not uses up 11 hours a year. [ laughter ] you spend three hours, trying to decide what would be the right

for sparky anderson's neck. [ audience groaning ] [ booing ] all right. twenty-five hours, talking to your wife into wearing the special lingerie that comes in a vacuum pack bag. [ laughter ] how long you spend, at that. this is a long piece of material. >> [ chuckling ] >> no, it's too late to help. [ laughter ] i'm in it, now, and i gotta go through with it. eight hours a year-- you may not know this-- eight hours a year are spent listening to the radio and wondering what accident caused paul harvey to say "good day" that way. [ laughter ] okay, going to five hour parties a year, then spending five mornings a year hungover, listening to your eyelids open and shut like the backdoor of a bekins van. [ laughter ] takes up to 20 hours a year. all right. american men spend 70 hours a year, trying to find alka-seltzer, cotton balls, razor blades, potato chips, shaving cream, band-aids, shampoo, and tile cleaner in

buy one box of condoms. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you spend 18 hours a year, driving home, because you remember you left the pitbull on sick. [ laughter ] weird. four hours are spent wondering where the escalator steps go, when they disappear, and whether they gossip about your feet. [ laughter ] shee-- oh, yourself. you oughta be down here. [ laughter ] saying-- now, this is called-- uh, what is this called? "humoring lunatics." you probably happen to-- >> [ laughing ] >> [ clearing throat ] saying "is that so?" to a guy on an elevator, who's showing you how the aliens told him to saliva-coat his hat, before eating it takes 55 hours a year. [ collective "ew" ] you got it. you spend 23 hours, 55 minutes a year, wishing

[ laughter ] according to masters and johnson, the average person spends about 38 hours a year engaged in sex. that leaves a little over 78 hours a year, to get things done. minus 78 hours-- [ laughter ] [ applause ] you got it. minus the 78 hours a year begging for sex, [ laughter ] [ applause ] which leaves-- which leaves five minutes, which you just wasted, watching this whole bit. [ laughter ] that's the-- that's the way the time goes. [ applause ] i don't know why we got into that. gotta be-- >> choreography. >> we'll be back, with james galway, in just a moment, won't we? >> no. >> oh! miss myrtle young.

[ applause ] [ cheering ]

>> okay, folks. here we go. my first-- [ laughing ] unless you think i was making this up, my first guest is a p-potato chip inspector, from fort wayne, indiana. and her job led to her unusual collection-- potato chips. and we asked her to come out and join us, tonight. would you welcome myrtle young. [ applause ] [ cheering ] hi, myrtle. will ya-ya join us, there? how are ya? >> fine. fine. >> nice to see ya. people start giggling, right away. >> [ chuckling ] >> do you get that reaction, when you tell people that you collect potato chips. >> yes. yes, they don't understand. >> well, neither do i. [ laughter ] >> [ laughing ] >> but maybe you can make believers out of us all, tonight. uh, you're-you're from, uh, fort wayne. >> fort wayne, indiana. >> indiana. >> mmm-hmm. >> somebody's told me this is only your second trip, on an airplane? >> yes. >> really? >> yeah. >> did you enjoy it. >> yes, um.

>> yeah. >> everyone is, i think, a little scared, when they ride an airplane, [ chuckling ] and you're apprehensive. >> right. >> and you get i and you get all nice and settled, and, um, you take off. first thing, the stewardess come, and, um, show you where your floatation seats are. [ laughter ] >> telling you, of course, it'll never be needed, right? but they have to do that. >> right. but, i felt under my seat, and it was under there. [ laughter ] it was. [ laughing ] >> see, now, mo-most travelers want to appear very blase, you know, so they never look. you actually looked. >> oh, yes. >> and it was there. >> it was under there. yes. >> okay. >> yes. [ chuckling ] >> wh-wh-- you wouldn't really need a floatation device, between here and fort wayne, would ya? [ laughter ] i mean-- [ chuckling ] i just happened to think of that. i-i can see that-- >> well, they-they don't give us parachutes, anymore. >> they don't give you parachutes. >> no. [ chuckling ] >> well, i guess a floatation device will be all right. probably good on, uh, lake okeechobee, i suppose. >> that-- or somethin'. >> so, you enjoyed the trip, though, huh?

um, and the mountains. oh, that was something. it really was. >> so you had good weather. >> yes. >> yeah, that's nice. sometimes it's cloudy, all the way across the country. >> yeah, some of the people on the airplane found out, um, s-- what i was coming to, uh, los angeles for. >> ah. >> so, i had some of my samples [ giggling ] with me. >> [ chuckling ] >> i had a tupperware cake pan. [ laughter ] and, uh, i had some of my chips, there. >> yeah? >> and so, we just showed 'em to everybody on the plane. [ chuckling ] [ laughter ] that was nice. >> you-you brought-- [ chuckling ] [ applause ] >> probably-probably wanna see how it go, tonight, huh. >> and-and they're all watching, tonight. >> they're all watching, tonight. >> yes, they are. >> now, you were a-- exactly a-- i guess the-the job is self-de-def-defined-- a potato chip inspector. >> inspector. yes. >> now, what happens if a potato chip-- i've never been to a po-potato chip plant. >> yes, they come down a conveyor. and they bounce, and they jiggle. [ laughter ] and they go past you-- >> right. >> kind of fast.

>> oh, millions! [ laughter ] >> millions? >> millions of them! >> now, what is your job? >> we have to look for, um, the discolored ones, the ones that are too brown, or the ones that have dark spots on 'em that don't look appetizing. >> so, you-- >> oh, and we pick them out and throw 'em away. but sometimes, when i find the bad one, i started seeing little faces. [ laughter ] [ giggling ] yes. yes, i did! i saw little faces. [ chuckling ] >> [ chuckling ] was that after a few hours, on the job? i mean-- [ laughter ] i suppose you would. tha-that's-- that has to be very exacting work. and that's the way the collection started? >> yes, yes! >> you saw things in the chips, huh? >> and i thought that i would save that, and show my granddaughter. and so, i took it home, and i showed my granddaughter and the family and-- so, i kept them, because you didn't wanna throw 'em away, then. >> yeah. >> and, uh-- >> and the collection just kinda took off

>> yes, i have over 200. >> two hundred? >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> two hundred individual chips. >> and it's the only collection in the world. i have the only one in the world. >> i would guess that's true. [ laughter ] i don't know why. i just-- >> yes. >> well, it has to be unique. >> it is. >> it has to be. >> yes. >> well, i tell you what. we're gonna take a break, here, and then you brought some, here. we don't wanna bring them out, yet, because we wanna keep the audience, uh, you know, kinda-- [ laughter ] >> [ chuckling ] >> if we show 'em right off, everyone goes to bed, so, as long as we can-- longer we delay this, the more the audience stays with us. uh, 'cause i was lookin' at 'em, back here, and it's, uh-- it's fascinating. [ laughter ] i would have picked some of those same chips out. [ laughter ] uh, we'll do this, uh, station break, and then we'll come back, and myrtle will show us some of her, uh, chips. so, stay where ya are.

[ cheering ] [ applause ] >> okay, folks. we're back. and we're talking with, uh-- you just joined us, we're talking with, uh, myrtle young, from fort wayne,

to ask you about being a potato chip inspector. potato chips are those kinda snacks that, once you start, it's hard to stop. what's-- do you ever sit there and snack, during the day? and start-- >> well, i try not to-- >> yeah. >> because, they make you thirsty. >> yeah. >> and then-- and if you get up and go get a drink, i might miss something. >> might miss a bad chip. [ laughter ] >> i might miss a good one! yes. >> yeah, and it end up in somebody's bag-- okay, i'll tell ya what. let's take a look at some of your things, here. >> okay. >> wanna show us some of your collection? what do you wanna start with? >> all right. well, here's, um-- here's a tray. >> okay. now, these are all the individual-- >> now, these are some of the faces that i first started to see. >> uh-huh. >> this, um-- >> i'm gonna hold-- we're gonna get a camera, over here, so-- i-i don't really wanna handle this, because, uh, they could break, couldn't they? >> will they be able to see it? now, that's a little face, isn't it? >> all right. all right. i'm gonna-- yes, that's a-- that's a little face, all right. >> this is tweety bird. [ laughter ] and this is-- >> uh-huh. that's a little face, all right. >> that's tweety bird. >> this is-- wait-wait, a second.

that's-that's tweety bird.