that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed ed: gee, i love to play football. the crowd is tense. a field goal will put out team ahead. here goes three big points. (grunts) nice block, wilbur. ed, will you stop fooling around? this is my office, not a football field. my, aren't we grumpy today. well, i've got a perfect right to be. i just found out there's some man walking around the neighborhood with a petition. i've gotta find some way of stopping him. but why? the right to petition is our american heritage. ed, you don't understand. this is a republic, wilbur. the declaration of independence was a petition. -ed... -you should support this fine american. what's he petitioning for?

well, let's kill the... ed, this is serious. if this fella ainsworth can get 150 signatures on this petition, why, they can rezone the whole area. and you know what that means. no more horses. how about dogs? just call me rover. (barking) ed, stop fooling and go and get in your stall, will you? (growls) i ain't fooling. (continues barking) the only chance we've got is to get rid of ainsworth. but how? i don't know how. well, we'll have to figure out something. -here's the mail, honey. -hmm? oh, thanks, dear. listen, there's a man called ainsworth going around the neighborhood with a petition. yes, he was just here. he was, huh? what do you think of that petition? well, it made sense to me, so i signed it. carol, do you know what that petition was for? well, of course. mr. ainsworth said that it was to improve the neighborhood,

and to get rid of horses. get rid of horses? honey, with one stroke of the pen, you have turned our horse into an orphan. mr. ainsworth didn't say anything about horses. why didn't you read the thing before you signed it? well, it was so long and i was on the phone with kay. i had something very important to tell her. what? to be sure and sign the petition. because of you...

well... i certainly am for neighborhood improvement. may i borrow your pen, mr. ainsworth? -of course. -thank you. -roger! -roger: huh? don't sign that. i don't know what this man's been telling you, but under all that doubletalk, this petition

and about time. just a minute, rog. why, if he gets enough signatures on this, i've gotta get rid of ed. may i sign for my wife too? will you use your head? why, if they rezone this neighborhood, it'll change completely. there'll be bowling alleys, parking lots, apartment buildings. he's right. i better give this some thought. mr. post forgot to mention that rezoning the area could double the value of your property. maybe even triple it. i think i've given it enough thought. roger, let me put it to you this way. if ed goes, i go too. and you know who i sell my house to? who? your mother in law. that's what i like about you, wilbur. you fight as dirty as i do. -thanks, rog. -never mind, mr. addison. i'll have more signatures than i need, after my television appearance tomorrow. mr. ainsworth. you're going on television?

oh, that doesn't seem fair. i mean, the people should hear the other side of the question. hey, he's right. maybe you better give equal time to some horse. i'd be glad to. if you know of a talking horse. (chuckling) (guffaws) it just so happens that i have. (stammering) i have a horse who'd love to have me talk for him. if you wish to challenge me to a television debate, mr. post, i accept. fine. -oh, wilbur, don't do it. -why not? well, so far it's only horses. when you get through talking, they'll be throwing people out of the neighborhood. i'll call the station manager and make all the arrangements for our debate. shall we meet at wpxq at 10:00 sharp? -that'll be great. -splendid. hi, ed, what are you doing? looking for a new home. oh, ed, the fight isn't over yet. tomorrow, ainsworth and i are going to debate the issue on television. (chuckles) you on television? that's right. and i personally am presenting your side of the argument to the people.

uh, yeah. "greenview stables "every stall with a window." that is hardly what i would call a show of confidence. in four years of college debating, i never lost an argument. and in two years of marriage, you never won any. i'll win this one. i got a whole strategy planned out. friends, my opponent, mr. ainsworth, has... oh, no! you're not gonna wear that suit on television. well, of course. i'd look pretty silly debating in my shorts. but, honey, it's too formal. i'll get your plaid sport jacket. friends, my opponent, mr. ainsworth, has alleged... kay: hello, anybody home? we're up here in the bedroom, kay. come on up. now, this'll give you that nice casual air.

-and remember to smile, honey. -smile. -mmm-hmm. -yeah. hi! oh, no! wilbur, you're not going to wear that on television. -well, what's wrong? -a striped tie with a plaid jacket? you'll look like a test pattern. she's right. i'll get your dark blue one. friends, my opponent... (sighs) my opponent, mr. ainsworth, has alleged... uh, no, no, doll, not full face. your right profile's the best side. keep that in the camera. here, dear. -friends, my... -smile! -friends... -oh, no! you're not wearing that on television. which, the tie or the jacket? the shirt. it's white. and with your pasty complexion, you look like a bottle of milk with pants on. he's right. they always wear blue shirts on television. -i'll get one. -friends, my ainsworth... get your hands out of your pockets, wilbur. use them for significant gestures. mr. ainsworth, my opponent and friends!

yeah, the right profile. -let's hear your speech, wilbur. come on. -(strained) yes. mr. ainsworth has alleged that property values would go up. well, we have to study this situation very seriously. -smile. -(wilbur laughs) friends, let us all put our thinking caps on... and put your arms though the sleeves. ...and put your arms through the sleeves. holy smoke, look at the time. i'm gonna be late. i better finish this dressing down at the studio. carol: (stuttering) wilbur! wilbur, your tie! -oh, i forgot. -wilbur! your jacket. -thank you. -and don't be so nervous. who's nervous? i'm not nervous. goodbye, dear. don't forget, smile! -use your hands! -kay: right profile. (exhales) poor wilbur. he's a nervous wreck. -i wouldn't want to be in his shoes. -(gasps) his shoes! wilbur, your shoes! oh, wilbur, don't forget your shoes! wilbur, don't forget your shoes! your shoes!

-can you reach it with that boom, gordon? -yes, it's fine. perfect. -uh, excuse me... -i'll be with you in a second. just take a chair and sit down. make sure that key light hits mr. ainsworth. a little more. pick it up a little bit. yeah, the lights look fine. better check my opening introduction. oh, i'm sorry. i didn't know these things slipped off so easily, mister... uh, mister... uh, that's mr. fuller, is it? who are you? wilbur post. i'm in the debate. i'm the negative. why don't you come back when you're developed. (laughs) very funny. that's a good joke. may i help you up, mister... well, hello, mr. ainsworth! -mr. ainsworth! -hello, russ. don't you look fine. good to see you.

elsa! my favorite script girl. don't you look pretty? (chuckles) -hello, gordon. how's mr. big ears? -fine, fine. that's the boy. ernie, how's the boy? how's your little boy? oh, fine. nice of you to remember his birthday. ainsworth: i hope he liked the electric train set. -oh, he sure does. -(all laugh) my charlie's looking to that picnic at ferndale park. so am i, gordon. so am i. i'll pick him up right after the show. -bye. -bye. hello, post. oh, hello, mr. ainsworth. i didn't know you were so friendly with the crew. did i forget to tell you? my brother-in-law is the station manager. max, you better get mr. ainsworth made up for the show! -yes, right this way, mr. ainsworth. -yes, indeedy. yes, indeed. add a little gray to the sides. it'll get him more sympathy.

ainsworth: are they gonna know me at home when you get through with me? max: (laughs) hard to say, mr. ainsworth. -make me look like rock hudson. -i'll try, sir. -that's the boy! -max? i'm wilbur post, the... the negative. could you add a touch of sympathy to me, too? well, i won't have time, mr. post. but all you need is a little base makeup, some powder and lip rouge. -just help yourself. -thanks a lot. (men chattering) ainsworth: any coffee in this joint? max: yes, yes, we have some coffee. -i'll have some sent over for you. -ainsworth: thank you. thank you. george, some coffee for mr. ainsworth. george: i know. hot! (max laughs) -sugar and milk? -no, no. just black.

oh, here, use a sponge, mr. post. don't forget, ernie. keep shifting the camera to mr. ainsworth. we want to feature him. my coat. what happened to my coat? -what's the matter, post? -well, my coat's gone. i hung it right there. oh, they'll get you another one from wardrobe. you better finish your makeup, mr. post. we go on in 40 seconds.

,, ladies and gentlemen. once again, station wpxq presents speak your piece, a program dedicated to local problems. today, we're going to hear a debate on the question of re-zoning. speaking for this issue is a man well-known for his civic-mindedness,

i present one of our leading citizens, mr. harvey ainsworth. -mr. ainsworth. -(applause) he looks so distinguished. i don't remember his being so gray around the temples. don't worry. just wait till you see my wilbur. and now, speaking against re-zoning, wilbur post. what's that? that is wilbur. where did he get the coat? never mind that. where did he get that face? he looks like he was stamped out with a cookie cutter. oh, no. i need perry mason to defend me and i get bozo the clown. and so, fellow citizens, i repeat. re-zoning will enhance the value of your property and put livestock where it belongs, on the farm.

now, mr. post, do you have anything to say in answer to that. yes, i... yes, i have. i feel that re-zoning our property will destroy the rural atmosphere and the rustic charm the very things we were seeking when we moved here. moreover, as a horse owner, i have come to appreciate the qualities of this noble animal. post! (laughter from tv) well, if you can't lick them, join them. do you want to see any more, carol? oh, no. poor wilbur. i doubt if history will record this with the lincoln-douglas debate. -wilbur: as mr. ainsworth... -i've seen all i can stand. ...move to a neighborhood in which they are welcome. oh, here comes poor wilbur now.

addison, don't you dare make fun of him. please, rog, i don't know what happened out there. but he must feel terrible. promise me you won't kid him. what do you take me for? some kind of an inhuman monster? a person without feeling? this is nothing to joke about. well, look who's here! snow white. why don't you crawl behind your mustache and get lost. honey, what happened? well, i felt i was in trouble the minute ainsworth walked in and knew the whole crew. i even had to put my own makeup on. i guess i didn't do a very good job. oh, i don't know. i thought those rosebud lips made you look adorable. (laughs) addison, i don't think it's anything to laugh about. you're right, kay. come on. help me home. (laughs)

(kay laughs) hi, ed. i suppose you saw me on television. yeah. i was kind of hoping the set would be broken. it is now. wasn't much of a debate, was it? it was more of a farewell address to the horses of america. i just don't understand this fellow ainsworth. you know, he seems to be a decent sort of guy. today, he's taking some boy scouts into ferndale park. he is civic-minded, but he just has this one blind spot against horses. wilbur, what's going to happen to me now? ed, i have an idea. if we were to go into ferndale park and see him,

me? you know i talk only to you. -why, ed? -because inside, you're all horse. i mean, ed, you could break him down. well, there isn't a man in the world that could stand the sight of a crying horse. sorry, wilbur, i don't kneel to anyone. (sighs) well, i'll go over to the park and try him once more. -you wanna come along? -not especially, but i'll go along for the ride. great. i'll go change my clothes, ed. wilbur: if you'll just listen to me, i'm sure... post, you're wasting your time. i've got all the signatures, and the petition goes to the council monday. but why, mr. ainsworth? what do you have against animals? all right, i'll tell you. i've been bitten by a dog, scratched by a cat,

but have you ever been loved by a horse? -what? -oh, mr. ainsworth, there's nothing like walking into your barn after a hard day's work and seeing those big brown eyes light up as if to say, "welcome home, master. i've missed you." post, you're drunk. give it a little push. that's the stuff. i mean it, mr. ainsworth. -my horse really loves me. -ainsworth: uh-huh. yeah, really. every night, he fetches my slippers. he has to. in your condition, you couldn't bend down to pick them up. all right, fellows. we're going home. day's all over. -boys: aww! -don't give me that "aww" business! pick up the chairs like good boys and put them in the station wagon. one, two, three... where's bobby? dennis? dennis, where... where's bobby? i don't know, mr. ainsworth. what do you mean you don't know? weren't you playing with him?

oh, he's never done this before. how long ago was that? -i don't know, mr. ainsworth. -okay, thanks. good boy. i suppose he's wandered off into the hills someplace. well, i better find him before it gets dark. he can't have got very far, mr. ainsworth. look, why don't you cover this side of the hill? -i'll take it up there. -yeah, good idea. you boys wait right here. ainsworth: bobby? (shouting) bobby? bobby? bobby? did you find him, mr. ainsworth? no. no, not a sign of him. i couldn't find him. i looked through the hills and the underbrush. it's beginning to get dark. i better call the rangers. he'll be frightened and very cold. i'll do that. there's a telephone on the snack stand where i left my... look! there's bobby! -bobby! -bobby! bobby! bobby, are you all right?

oh, gee whiz, son! you scared the life out of me. oh! he found me, and i was really lost, too. he came along, and i started to follow him. but then i got tired, so he sat down and i got on his back. (laughs) good boy! good boy. that... that's your horse, isn't it, mr. post? yes, mr. ainsworth. well, i'm sure glad bobby's back. -see you fellows. come on, ed. -yeah. uh, mr. post. you, uh... you can, uh, forget about that petition. thank you. he... he's quite a horse, isn't he, huh? -yes, he is. -my, my. how do you suppose he ever found bobby? oh, he watches a lot of detective shows.

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ed, you awake? yeah, i am now. how was dinner at the ainsworths? oh, just fine, ed. they're very nice people. but you should have heard the wild story little bobby told about getting lost. (sighs) wild story? yeah, he said the reason he wandered off into the hills is become somebody was calling him. -no kidding? -yeah. ed, it's certainly lucky you found him. (snorts) lucky i called him, too. ed, you didn't! well, if i depended on your debates, i'd be sleeping on a park bench tonight. good night, wilbur. llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllo. i'm mister ed.

and no one can talk to a horse, of course