and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed have you decided what stable you want us to board you at? not yet. carol and i leave for san francisco this friday, you know. well, i'd like to pick one where the fillies really swing. va-va-va-voom. been checking your filly file, huh? yeah, my little black book. names and addresses of the most gorgeous fillies in town. i wish you'd make up your mind. we haven't got much time before we leave. yeah. this is the one. ilsa. a little swedish armful. where is she staying? briarcliff stables, stall 5. just, uh, put me in 6 and, heh heh, throw away the key. (chuckling) then you've decided on ilsa, huh? yeah.

ho ho ho ho! well, i'd better put this back in my vault. (knocking) come in. oh, wilbur. oh, hello, kay. hi, sweetie. i've just got to talk to you. what did roger say about your going to san francisco with us? that's what i came to see you about. sit down, kay, sit down. oh, he came home in a terrible mood. yeah? what happened? well, he went downtown to pay a traffic fine, and when he crossed the street to the court, he got a citation for jaywalking. two tickets, huh? three. when he got to his car, he found one for overparking. he's got to take it easy. any more tickets like that, he won't be able to drive, walk, or stand still. oh, wilbur, i'm dying to go away with you and carol this weekend, but, well, i wish you would try to get addison in a better mood before i ask him. you mean cheer him up? well, at least get him to stop crying. leave it to me, kay.

you just get packing right now. oh, thanks, sweetie. san francisco, here i come. i just said start packing. let's hope it's not for reno.

you do all this research on a perfect car then smash it into a tree. your insurance company raises your rates. maybe you should have done more research on them. for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. just one of the many features that comes standard with our base policy. call for a free quote today. see car insurance in a whole new light.

hi, rog. how about hitting some golf balls, huh? no. with my luck, i'd get arrested for assault and battery. yeah, i heard about those three tickets. it was incredible. every time i turned around, i got a citation. the mayor must have gotten up this morning and proclaimed it "get addison day." now, rog... making a left-hand turn too soon, jaywalking, overparking. i'm not going to go to bed tonight. i might get picked up for sleeping on the wrong side. i'm glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor, rog. yeah, i always say the man who can laugh at his own misfortune, he's... uh, he's...

three tickets. it's a vicious circle. they take the money from you so they can buy faster motorcycles. come on now. stop crabbing. you think you got troubles? i got a friend, rog. he got six jaywalking tickets in one afternoon, six. you know what happened to him? they revoked his shoes. wilbur, go home. rog, come on, cheer up. you know what i do when i get this depressed? i take my wife for a trip. that's what you ought to do. that's a good idea. and you can take my wife someplace. no, no, now, rog. here's a thought. why don't the four of us go to san francisco this weekend? no, thank you. my wife goes berserk on a trip. to her, any new store is a challenge to my wallet. oh, kay's not that bad. are you kidding? the last time we were in san francisco, she went out pricing cable cars. you know, uh, wilbur doesn't mind taking carol to san francisco.

there's no reason why we can't stay here and enjoy it like other people do. this gadding... what in the world is this? oh, it's a switch i bought at andre's. how do you like me with my sunburst ponytail? aren't you wearing it on the wrong end? you don't like it. on a pony, yes. on my wife, no. but it only cost you $25. take it back. i will not. then i will. well, um, all right, doll. you're the boss. back it goes. i don't like the sound of that quick surrender. well, you know how i feel, angel. in marriage, you've got to give and take. exactly. so i give you a ponytail, and you take me to san francisco. kay, you have a one-track mind, but that track will not get you out of los angeles. you know, last year, when the four of us planned a trip to las vegas,

reluctantly. but then mister ed took sick, and wilbur called the whole thing off. well, we saved money by not taking that trip, so why can't we take this one? you know, it's remarkable the affection wilbur has for that animal. that old plug just sneezed a couple of times, and wilbur called the whole thing off. uh, my dear, we will go to san francisco. addison! you mean it? absolutely. you were right, my dear. if wilbur and carol go to san francisco, so will we. oh, you're wonderful, doll. now, uh, what about my ponytail? i will trot it back to andre myself. get you looking nice and handsome for this swedish filly. addison: wilbur. wilbur! kay and i are going with you to san francisco. that's wond... she talked you into it, huh? money's only money. sure. after all, you can't leave it all

no. uh, wilbur, why are mister ed's eyes so bloodshot? huh? they're not bloodshot. no? look again. oh, maybe just a little bit. i keep warning him about those all-night alfalfa parties. he's all right. come on, ed. you, uh, still want to drive to san francisco instead of taking the plane? oh, yeah. oh, by all means, wilbur. i think so. uh, you know, we drive up the coast route. we can see all the scenery. it's very beautiful along 101 up there. uh, we could stop off along the way

but when we get to san francisco, you know, we'd have the car there, and, uh, you know, it's a big town. it would save us a lot of money. we can use our car instead of hiring cabs. and i think all in all, it'll be a much more enjoyable trip. i think that's a pretty good idea. we should get a good early start, you know? uh, excuse me. isn't that horse losing an awful lot of hair? gee, he never lost this much before. i wonder if anything's wrong. i knew it the minute i saw those bloodshot eyes. that is a very sick animal. he doesn't act sick. wilbur, now, i'm not a doctor, and i don't want to worry you, but when a horse starts losing hair that rapidly, well, it doesn't mean that fall is approaching.

yeah. oh. i hope this isn't going to spoil our trip, but i can understand your concern about the animal. tsk tsk tsk tsk. he certainly is losing an awful lot of hair. uh... oh, no. i'm getting bald. no, you're not. it's coming out in bunches. in two weeks, i'll be a nudist. ed, now please, don't get hysterical. wilbur, i'm afraid to look. do i still have a tail? oh, of course you do. now will you calm down? please. you're yelling at a sick horse. ed, don't worry about a thing, see? i'll take you to the vet. if he says there's anything wrong with you, i will not leave you alone this weekend. bless you, wilbur.

don't worry. you'll have other weekends with her. not for me.

how much hair would you say fell out, mr. post? oh, i'd say enough to make two or three full-size beards. that much, eh? well, for goodness' sake. i didn't notice any bare spots. well... i found the hair by his hind legs. (whispering) by his hind legs? you don't think he could be losing his tail. oh, i doubt that, mr. post. let me get his medical record. say, why are we whispeng? well, you started it.

well, for goodness' sake. excuse me. i'll be right back. the doctor's gone to get your medical record. why were you two whispering? whispering? i can take the truth, wilbur, unless it's bad. then don't tell me. now, ed. we don't know what's wrong with you, but it's nothing. ed, you look great. i bet in the last two months you've put on 20 pounds. but now 1 ounce of that was hair. take it easy, ed. you're going to be all right. there. careful, wilbur. rub with the grain. oh. sorry. uh-oh. what's the matter? here comes a filly i know. hide me. what? that's jenny, an old blabbermouth. if she finds out about my condition,

oh, excuse me. is doc evans in? he'll be right back. he just went to get my horse's chart. oh? something wrong with him? wrong? oh, no, no, nothing. nothing wrong. he's just having a checkup. how about old blabberm... uh, your horse? oh, same thing. checkup. that's the only way to keep them healthy. i've owned horses for 20 years, and i've seen just about every ailment you can imagine. no kidding. well, look, this friend of mine has a horse that's losing its hair. (whinnying) i said this friend of mine. yes, i heard you. losing his hair, huh? well, that doesn't sound like anything to worry about. i wouldn't say that. see, this horse is very fond of the little fillies. oh. (laughing) (laughing) and you know what they say...

i've got a beautiful wife and six children. yeah, well, you know, uh, women are more tolerant than horses. no. uh, uh... well, women see other things in men... uh, money... no, not necessarily money. i mean... well, i mean just because you lose your hair, a man can still be attractive, if he, uh, wears a hat. eh, oh, you know, you don't have to wear a hat. i mean, a wig... a wig is nice. no, i... i mean, uh... six children. that's wonderful. huh. oh, hello, mr. saxon. i'll be with you in a few minutes. oh, uh, do you... do you know mr. post? just to say goodbye to. i'll pick up jenny in about an hour. oh, fine. fine. oh, uh, oh, mr. post,

and i find no history of mites or mange. i will have to give him a complete examination, though, however. uh. oh. you're not going to examine him in front of her, are you? why not? well, he's a little bit shy. shy? doctor, would you take a physical in front of a strange woman? but that's a horse. i know. we seem to be living in an age of declining morality. but don't you think it's refreshing to find a horse with a sense of modesty? look, mr. post, yesterday, in this same barn, i examined, at the same time, a collie, male, a poodle, female, a bull, a heifer, a hen and a rooster. and in spite of the mixed crowd i was not arrested for throwing a wild hollywood party. i'm sorry, doctor. i was just a little bit upset.

(whispering) why do you think he's losing his hair? i can't tell until i see a sample of what fell out. i'll send it to you. meanwhile, is there any treatment i can give him? well, you can use the usual home remedies until i make a complete diagnosis. say, wait a minute! did i start us whispering again? certainly did. well, for goodness' sake. i guess i haven't been myself lately. goodbye, doctor. (whispering) goodbye. i mean goodbye! let's go, ed. come on, ed. come on. let's go. (ed laughing) (laughing) wilbur, stop that. it tickles. and i'm in no condition to laugh. (laughing) this vibrator will improve your circulation. it's good for your follicles.

tail here, this seems to be the trouble spot. ooh! wilbur! say, when my tail goes, how am i going to keep the flies away? don't worry. that won't happen. what if it does? well, i'll just tie a flyswatter on what's left. (laughing) what's inside that spray, wilbur? lanolin. you better use glue. i want to keep what i got. look, ed, i was reading a book on baldness, and it said that baldness can be hereditary. now, do you know if your grandfather was bald or your great-grandfather? i don't know. i never met them. they lived in mexico. uh-oh. what's the matter? wilbur, among horses, is there such a thing as a mexican hairless? oh, i don't know.

the book said to shampoo and rub vigorously. when your hair is loose, you don't rub. you pat gently. tell you what? after lunch, i'll take you for a ride in the park, huh? you'll see. those fillies will still be giving you the eye. not when old blabbermouth jenny begins spreading the word. stop gabbing. i want to get finished here, ed. wilbur, what in the world are you doing? kay: oh, look, addison. i'm giving ed a bubble bath. wilbur, i hope ed's feeling a little better. we'd like to get an early start in the morning, around 7:00? what do you say? well, i don't know, rog. if i get a bad report from the vet, i don't think i should leave ed. oh. oh, that's a shame. honey, you promised we'd go. honey, we got to consider ed. at the rate he's losing hair in a couple of weeks he'll look like a plucked chicken. oh, we'll be back before then. of course. i wouldn't miss ed's unveiling for anything.

(all laughing) give me a handkerchief, somebody! aah...aah...aah! ed, what did you stop for? i feel chilly, wilbur. you sure i didn't drop some more hair along the way? oh, sure. come on, ed. look, i want to stop at the snack bar and get a bite. but look who's standing there.

ed, how could they possibly have heard about you? are you kidding? with jenny's big mouth, they know about me from santa anita to hialeah. look, ed, you look the same as ever, even better. hey. maybe those treatments checked it, huh? sure, they did. come on, ed. and look, when you walk up to those horses, keep your head high. well, not too high. wouldn't want my mane to slip off. come on, ed, come on. don't worry about dolores, ed. she's smiling at you. smiling or laughing? i'll get you a ham sandwich. no mustard. hold the mustard. okay.

(whinnying) ed. ed, come back here! i've got your sandwich! i'd never thought i'd be doing this. was there a phone call from... what are you doing here? ed, why are you throwing away your little black book? i'm through with fillies. you are? why? mainly because they're through with me.

they're all laughing at me, wilbur. please send me away. send you away. where would i send you? to indian country. at least i could say i was scalped. ed, i feel perfectly sure that you're cured. look, look. see? there's nothing coming out. nothing's coming in, either. well? have you reached a decision? are we making the trip or not? i'm afraid it's off. you know how wilbur frets over mister ed. it wouldn't be worth it. right now i'd give that horse all of my hair to make the trip. well, i think it's a rotten shame. i had my heart set on this weekend. oh. poor doll. well, maybe we'll go by ourselves. oh, no, no. no. i wouldn't dream of it.

carol, about this trip... i know, i know. i've already told the addisons we're not going. wilbur, i'm surprised at you. just because that old plug lost a few measly hairs. few measly hairs? you were there. you saw them. in fact, you found them. (phone rings) excuse me. hello. oh, yes, dr. evans. what? but how could that be? yes. all right. thank you very much. wilbur, what did the doctor say? he says that the hairs i found near ed were human hairs. carol: human hairs? yeah, he says somebody's playing a joke on me. who'd pull a trick like that? obviously, it was one of us.

why don't we just close our eyes and give the guilty party with a mustache a chance to run for his life? well, now, surely you don't think i... well, it... it was just a harmless prank. i only did it so we could start the trip off with a laugh. now, naturally, wilbur, i insist on paying for the gas, and i insist on driving in my car, and i insist on buying the lunch. and i insist on you buying the dinners. oh! oh, of course, wilbur, of course. well, come on, kay, we've got a lot of packing to do. uh, wilbur, would you mind doing the driving tomorrow? don't you like the way roger drives? oh, sure. but if thinks of all the money it's gonna cost him he'll never see the road through his tears. i'll go get our things ready, honey. oh, and i'm glad mister ed's all right.

(dialing) hello, briarcliff stables? this is mr. post. yeah, i'll be bringing my horse around tomorrow morning. yeah. uh, is ilsa still in stall 5? fine. then would you put mister ed in stall 6? yeah. and when you take ilsa her dinner tonight, would you throw in a bouquet of carrots? i'm sure she'll know who it's from.

eeee, the whole thing was just a joke. yeah, some joke. i could have lost all my hair worrying about losing it. well, it was a dirty trick, ed, but at least you know you're all right. and the fillies will be calling you curly again. (laughing) yeah. ho ho ho... holy smoke. my little black book. hmm. gee. get the glue, wilbur. we've got a lot of pasting to do.