all right, this meeting is now gonna start. okay. don't slop the water around, stewart. i won't. who wants to say something at the meeting? uh...i guess i don't. me, neither. somebody's gotta say something on account of i already banged this thing. yeah, only i can't think of nothing to talk about. me, neither. why don't you make up a rule about the club or something. all right. i make it a rule that you shouldn't slop water around in the clubhouse. is that okay with you, stewart? sure. this meeting is all over. come on in, mr. wilson.

we're lucky. the coffee pot's still plugged in. here. you take this. surely. i really shouldn't impose like this, but you've only to say coffee once to me. sit down. all right. thank you. here we are. well, i guess alice and martha will be home any minute now. although why they went in the first place i'll never know. the reason women go to teas is something i'm sure no man will ever understand. you know, martha dragged me to one of her teas once. you should have seen the size of the sandwiches. they were absolutely microscopic. it isn't only the size, it's the color. have you ever seen purple cream cheese? or lavender mayonnaise? what's the matter, mr. wilson? i don't know.

all right, boys, out, all of you. dennis, wait a minute. would you care to explain what's going on here? well, me and tommy and stewart were having a club meeting and you and mr. wilson came in and i accidentally poured water on mr. wilson's shoe and i guess that's about all for right now. you mean to tell me you poured water all over mr. wilson's shoe? i didn't mean to tell you, dad. you asked. oh, it's all right, mitchell. the shoes are old anyway. see, mr. mitchell? it's all right 'cause they're old shoes. mr. wilson probably has real old feet. dennis, what do you say to mr. wilson? i'm awfully sorry you got soggy feet, mr. wilson. dennis, the kitchen is no place for a clubhouse. you're gonna have to find someplace else. gee, where, dad? i don't know. you got a place we could use, mr. wilson?

only i have to keep my garage locked because of the tools. the greenhouse? no, that's full of seedlings. i'm afraid there's just nothing i can think of, boys. yeah, well, come on, guys. oh, there you are. hi, girls. well, have an exciting tea? he's gonna whistle a different tune when he hears what madame tina had to say, isn't he, alice? he certainly is. she's simply fabulous. who's madame tina? she's a real, authentic muja gypsy. now, you take that look off your face, george. and she's told us things that you simply wouldn't believe. oh, i can just imagine. i'll make some fresh coffee. no fair, dennis.

hey, look at that secret door in mr. wilson's house. boy, look! boy, this is neat. it's like a whole giant cave. what's this thing for? hey, we got some of those under our house. my dad says they go to all the rooms. boy, that sure would be a swell place to hide stuff in. hey, under here could be our clubhouse.

and that we're going to cross water. there's a creek between here and town, so she's safe. practically everybody crosses water every day. what else? we're going to take a trip. well, down to the corner to pay the light bill. what else? what would you say if i told you she said you're going to hear from daniel wilson very soon. well, now, i'd say that was quite a trick. daniel wilson died during an indian uprising in 1859, probably of a snake bite. did she mention daniel wilson by name? well, yes, in a way. when she said you were going to hear from an ancestor, i said, daniel wilson? and she said yes. martha, don't you see? you told her before she told you. oh, i'd like to see some crazy gypsy tell me a pack of malarkey like that.

a jack. still another jack. clearly someone is trying to reach you. he reaches out from the past. he calls. he calls. i hope he doesn't reverse the charges. let's hang this flag up from your sister's high school. i got a hammer. come on. you see? he calls again. and again. he's been calling for a quite a while. maybe i better call him. [tap tap tap] wearing tap shoes, madame tina? why, i assure you, i...

give me another nail, stewart. maybe it has to be mr. wilson. after all, daniel is his relative. alice, for goodness sake. no, she's probably right, mitchell. i'm the one with the wavelength. [tap tap tap] this will be all for the present. but madame tina, we were just beginning to make contact. very sorry. i just remembered i have another appointment. i'm late now. good-bye. good-bye. good-bye. good-bye. well, that's the end of daniel wilson. why don't you try it again, george. what for? she's gone. she can't tap back. oh, go on, mr. wilson. humor them.

[tap tap tap] how do you explain that? it's nothing but... a woodpecker on the roof. or air in the pipes. [buzzing] martha? martha? that sound. listen. [buzzing stops] george... what if daniel is trying to reach you? daniel? great scott. oh, go back to sleep, martha.

with his clarinet lesson 'cause we got a real neat clubhouse. oh, that's fine, son. it's got a trap door and everything. good, son. where is it? gee, dad, if i told you, it wouldn't be a secret clubhouse anymore. hey, mom, could you make us some peanut butter and banana and mayonnaise sandwiches to take over to our clubhouse? well, yes, dennis, but suppose we make them peanut butter only. no bananas. okay. can tommy stay overnight with me? i suppose so. gee, thanks, mom. okay. i'll call him up and tell him. and you said madame tina couldn't predict the future. why, it's a tax refund from the government. well, she said we'd come into money. well, darling, $9.21 is hardly a fortune. well, she didn't mention a fortune. all she mentioned was money, and there it is. you see, george? madame tina predicted illness.

but this is from your sister. edna has bursitis every hour on the hour. it's not bursitis this time. it's a slipped disk. edna wants me to come up for a few days to help out. i think i'll take the 8:10 tonight. all right. boy, taking clarinet is sure dumb. i never even heard of clarinet. it's nothing. all's you do is play a bunch of scales for a while, and then your teacher tells you how terrible it is. can i try it? well, i guess so if you don't wreck it. [honk] boy, this sure would be a swell horn for my scooter.

a record player. where'd you get it, stewart? from my sister. did she say we could have it? sure. i'll tell her later. all right. i'll start a club meeting. you better make a rule we turn on the record player. okay. you wind the official clock, stewart. all right, this meeting is now gonna start. [buzzing] [buzzing stops] this one any good, stewart? i can't read. what does it say, dennis? i don't know. it's got some printing on it,

[gunshots] [men screaming] man: over here, daniel! look out, daniel! daniel! man: you all right, daniel? daniel, say something. don't die. don't die! you know, mitchell, i do have an active imagination, but i was just certain i was wide awake when i heard that voice. was it clear and distinct like i'm talking to you now? no. it was sort of echo-y. you see? psychiatrists say that sometimes a dream can be so vivid that it can last several seconds after you think you're wide awake. why, of course.

sure. more coffee? yes, i'd love it. oh, hello, mr. wilson. hi, alice. did henry tell you about madame tina's prediction coming true? prediction? we got a $9.21 tax refund from the government. well, madame tina predicted we'd come into money, and $9.21 is money. i hear you're going to be alone tonight, mr. wilson. well... and that's another thing she said that came true. mrs. wilson phoned me this morning and said that her sister is quite ill and it's not bursitis. so she's leaving tonight to take care of her. you know... i've been thinking it over and i think i will go with martha. edna has that slipped disk in her back and, well, you know how much that hurts. would you like us to feed fremont for you? fremont? oh, yes. would you mind? here's the key to the side door.

thank you. well, i guess i better get packing. good-bye. good-bye, mr. wilson. here you are, driver. it's nice of you to want to come with me, dear, but edna hasn't room to keep us both. i know, but i could stay at a hotel. how could you help edna if you stayed at a hotel? well... besides, i think you ought to stay here. the new couch is coming tomorrow, and somebody ought to be here when it's delivered. and another thing: i want you to get a good night's sleep. you've been looking a little peaked lately. good-bye, martha. good-bye, dear. dennis, i've warned you about this before. now, where is my briefcase? it's in our clubhouse, dad. well, i want you to go over to your clubhouse, wherever it is, and bring it back this minute. oh, honey, does it have to be right now? the boys really ought to be going to bed. well, all right, but that briefcase is important to me. it's full of business papers and i want it here in the house

okay, dad. jeepers, i'm awfully sorry. good night. good night, dear. good night, tommy. good night. good night, boys. hey, quit kicking. can't you ever go to sleep? uh-uh. i'm gonna stay awake all night so i can get my dad's little suitcase first thing in the morning. does your dad get mad like that very often? uh-uh. only when he gets mad about something. you better wake me up if i go to sleep. suppose i go to sleep. yeah. well, maybe we better go get it right now. will your folks wake up?

[banging] honey? honey? hmm? did you hear that noise? what noise? it was a thumping. i didn't hear anything. henry, did you ever feed fremont? oh, my gosh. i forgot all about him. we got to watching television and it completely slipped my mind. "wesley looked into the hall and discovered the cause of the strange sound." "it was roger's head rolling slowly down the stairs." ahh.

fremont? [whistles] what is it, fremont? [whistles] hey, look. [thump thump] [thump thump]

hey, i never did get to try it, tommy. yeah? well, you might wreck it. no, i won't. honest. [honk] [clarinet squawking] [fremont howling] boy, that was louder than i thought. hope we didn't wake up my mom and dad. fremont, sic him!

d-d-d-daniel? mr. wilson! daniel... mitchell? you were gone, so i came over to feed fremont. oh, i know. i decided not to go. i, uh...uh... calm down, mr. wilson. you'll be comfortable here. i will? i still say i'm the one who made the noises you heard. maybe, but who made the sounds you heard? well, let me think. there was that honking noise. isn't it possible that a goose flew into your attic somehow? of course, mitchell. that's what it was. no, it's the wrong time of year.

tell me, honey. it's a little late for guessing games. they were climbing in dennis' bedroom window. gee, i'm sorry, dad. you said you wanted your little suitcase first thing in the morning, and all we did was get it as firsted as we could. thank you, dennis. but henry, they climbed out of the window. calm down, honey. why, mr. wilson. i thought you were visiting mrs. wilson's sister. oh, i wish i-- no, i decided to stay home. we sort of bumped into each other when i went over to feed fremont. gee, were you home tonight, mr. wilson? was i. henry, the boys have to be punished. climbing out of a-- [honk] oh! if one more thing happens to me tonight-- [honk honk] mitchell, that's the sound. it is, isn't it? dennis, were you and tommy

well, no, dad. we were under it. why, you scared the daylights out of... fremont. i may be dense, but i don't understand one word of what's going on around here. i'll explain it all to you in the morning, honey. why don't you run on up to bed. what about the boys? we'll take care of the boys. now go run along. all right. good night. good night, alice. well, mr. wilson, what are we gonna do with these two boys? you know, i think i've got some ice cream over in my freezer. i'll go get it. gee, did we do something good, mr. wilson? let's just say you discouraged a distant relative of mine from making a frightening visit.

well, me and dad finished it. well, we sure did. good. you wanna come out and see our treehouse? if i do say so myself, honey, it's a swell treehouse. i'd love to see it, dennis, but i can't right now. dinner would burn. you can see it after when you help me move my stuff. what stuff? all my stuff. i think i'm just gonna live in that good old treehouse from now on. you'll do no such thing. well, how about if i just sleep out there from now on? certainly not. now, you go wash up for dinner. hey, can we have dinner up there? no, we can't. can i go get tommy so he can see it? tommy's probably about to have dinner himself. you can show it to him in the morning. before breakfast?

can i get up and fix my own breakfast? now way. you'll have breakfast with the rest of us. but jeepers. you'll have plenty of time to play in the treehouse, dennis. it'll be there for a long while. oh, i wish you hadn't put it right over mr. wilson's back fence. [music] mr. wilson: oh, great scott. they finished the treehouse. what difference does that make? mrs. wilson: how can a little boy on a little platform bother you? martha, during world war ii, little platforms like that were used by enemy snipers. well, dennis isn't a sniper, and henry promised you wouldn't be bothered. hm-hmm. france promised england napoleon wouldn't be any bother. you can't compare dennis with napoleon. oh no? which one am i talking about? he's small, he wears his hair across his forehead, and he terrorizes the neighborhood. now which one? you're going to feel much better

putting up your new bird feeder. yeah, right under the eyes of the enemy. [music] dennis: kapow. kapow. tommy: kapow. kapow. dennis: kapow. kapow. oh no. dennis: kapow. kapow. kapow. dennis. dennis: kapow. kapow. did you call me, mr. wilson? yes, i called you. did you want me to come over and help you? no, that's the last thing i want. don't you know i'm trying to attract birds to my yard? sure we do and we're helpin' you. well, you're not helping me with all those kapows. sure we are. we're scarin' away all the hawks that are after your birds. hawks are all over the place. nah, there is no hawk within a hundred miles. how about buzzards? no. any eagles? if you don't stop shouting, we won't even have a sparrow. are you all through, mr. wilson?

did you put the food in it? well, of course, i did. and now, if you'll both be quiet, maybe we'll attract some birds around here. what are you gonna do now, mr. wilson? none of your business. [music] you know that funny thing i found on the sidewalk, tommy? when you twist it, it sounds just like birds singin'. oh, come on. a little thing like that? let's hear it. okay. [chirping] jeepers, that would fool anybody. [chirping] martha. martha.

have you seen my audubon bird caller anywhere? i sewed the hole in your pocket so you won't lose this one. oh, thank you, my dear. you know, this is an amazing little gadget. [chirping] attracts birds to my yard, if anything will. [chirping] [chirping] hey, tommy, listen. some birds are answering me. yeah. twist it some more. [chirping] [chirping] [chirping] [chirping]

[chirping] hey, is that you, mr. wilson? [chirping] oh, great scott, i'm gonna go out of my mind. eh, maybe this is hard for you to understand, mitchell, but i like birds. i think of them as my friends. for years, i've been a member of the northside birdwatchers. and just now, when i wanna make a sanctuary of my backyard, well, look what happened. i'm sorry, mr. wilson. with dennis up in that treehouse, i'll never have any birds around. we'll just have to work it out. i don't know what you can do. if he's up there, he's just going to scare the birds. well, if all else fails, we'll just have to take the treehouse down. that's a good idea. i'll help you.

oh, oh, no. i can't ask you to do that. why, you-- you just put it up. dennis tires of things very quickly, mr. wilson. maybe in a few weeks-- by the time that happens, there won't be a bird closer to here than montana. dennis and tommy will have kapowed 'em all out of town. maybe if you'd talk to dennis about birdwatching, you know, tell him something about it. well, he might understand your problems and stay away from the birds. say, you know, that might be worth trying. i don't see what harm it can do. well, i don't either-- at the moment. what's the matter, mr. wilson? some way, this is going to backfire. i'm trying to figure out how it's going to happen. [music] attention people with hearing loss. what i'm about to tell you could change your life. does your hearing loss have you feeling left out?

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now, the object of this hobby is to see how many different kinds of birds you can observe. now, do either of you boys have a favorite bird? yeah. turkey. oh, dennis, you don't watch turkeys. i do. i wanna see what part i'm getting. i like the leg. all right. do you want me to show you how to work these binoculars or not? sure we do. all right. i'll lend you my extra pair of binoculars, but you must never leave them here in the treehouse when you're not here. i'll bring 'em back every time i'm through with them. just leave the ladder up on your side. no, don't bring them back every time. just take 'em indoors when they're not in use. my house or his house? oh, anybody's house. now, let's get started. now, you look through the small end and you adjust this little dojigger there in the center, okay?

and then you adjust that till you see clearly. hey, you got soft eyes, mr. wilson. not at me, dennis. wow. is it a bird? it's mr. blakely across the street and a bird. oh, i didn't know he was interested in birds. he really must like 'em. he's changing his shirt and he's got a swell eagle tattooed on his chest. let me look. give me those binoculars. it's that top window on the left. i'm not interested in mr. blakely's tattoo. goodbye. where's my ladder? jeepers, mr. wilson, didn't you notice? mrs. wilson came and got it. i think she was gonna wash the windows. do you wanna sit down some more? no, i don't. i'll use your ladder. our ladder isn't here either, don't you remember? we came up on your side. martha. martha.

you shouldn't yell like that. you'll scare the birds. martha! [music] dennis: smooth it out, tommy. boy, i'm sure glad you remembered seeing this old box in the alley. me, too. sit down. now we got my own personal sofa. [chirping] hey, that's just like the bird we got at home. oh, the bird at your house isn't real. so what? they're exactly the same. come on, i'll show you. [music] isn't it the same? sure looks like it. what's the same?

well, i don't mean to doubt you, son, but that's an imitation of a canadian-crested warbler. yup, that's the one we saw. now, dennis, if it's a canadian bird, you couldn't possibly have seen one in mr. wilson's tree. isn't that logical? yes, mr. anderson, but i wonder what he was doing there. now, dennis, they're never seen in this state. wind him up, dad. we heard this other bird sing. all right. this'll show you. [chirping] he sounded just like that. same kind of bird all right. [chirping] [music] here you are, dear. oh, thank you, my dear. how does your ankle feel this morning? oh, fine, perfect. the epsom salts took all the swelling out.

you know, i can't understand how he was able to describe a canadian-crested warbler. but there can't have been one in my backyard. yet he was accurate in every detail. the purple throat, the touch of white above-- [chirping] hark. what? hark. be quiet. be quiet. pretty. someone must have a new canary. shh. get me the binoculars. [chirping] [chirping] oh, it can't be but it's true. how could i have ever doubted the boy? a canadian-crested warbler in george wilson's backyard. martha, i've got to call mr. timberlake right away. george, it's 7:00 in the morning. it's no time to call the head of your birdwatchers' club.

the importance of this discovery. why, he'd never forgive me if i didn't call him. but by the time he gets here, the bird will probably be gone. no, martha, no. if dennis saw him yesterday, and he's here this morning, he'll stay. it's that new feeder.

[music] yes, george, that is definitely a canadian-crested warbler. to the best of my knowledge, this is the first such sighting in this state. and to think it's happened to me. i'm going to get in touch with mr. pomeroy immediately. you mean the head of the state society? that's right. with mr. pomeroy's confirmation of this sighting, your name will be added to the immortals on the honor scroll. oh, it's something i never even dared hope for. you think mr. pomeroy will come all that distance? oh, he'll be delighted. i'll wire him to fly in saturday for a binocular session right here in your backyard.

oh, what if the warbler's flown away? oh, that would be too bad. if i were you and had the chance to be added to the honor scroll, i'd see that everything is kept quiet and tranquil around here so the bird won't be frightened away. oh, i will. i will. [chirping] is it against the law to force a child to wear a gag in his mouth? hmm? [music] all right, dennis, i'm all right. now dennis, get away. dennis, get away. that stuff you put up there will make the treehouse warmer all right, but we can't see anything in your yard. yes, well, i'm just thinking of your comfort, dennis. well,we can't even see when your bird feeder's empty. well, that's the price we have to pay. from now on, you two will take care of your birds, i'll take care of mine. what if you need some help?

but i wanted you to be able to use the treehouse from your yard too. the way you got that stuff, your ladder won't work. well, between now and saturday, i'll be much too busy to use the treehouse anyway. but if you and tommy wanna be a real help to me, you'll be very quiet whenever you're in the treehouse. when were we ever noisy? [music] do you suppose he's just launching for his home up in canada? dennis: uh-uh. he's real sick. and if he had a-- then we could feel it. maybe we can get him to stick out his tongue then we could tell if he's sick. i can tell he's sick without that. maybe he's too sick to get anything to eat. yeah, let's get him some food from mr. wilson's feeder.

[chirping] jeepers, it's his family. well, i know what to do for them. they need worms. [music] being upset isn't gonna bring that bird back, george. try and cheer up. cheer up? great scott, martha, i haven't seen that bird in days. and in two hours, the president of the state society will be here, and i don't have a canadian-crested warbler to show him. why don't you ask dennis and tommy to help you find the bird? they have sharp little eyes. oh, for heaven's sakes, martha. if the bird were here, i'd have seen it. as a matter of fact, i've given dennis strict orders to stay away from our yard while mr. timberlake and mr. pomeroy are here. [music] there, it's all wound. this make-believe bird

while we can't be up here in the treehouse. he sure will. he'll even sing to 'em. i hope mr. wilson's company doesn't stay too long, though. if you turn this little doohickey, he sings awhile, then waits awhile, then sing some more, it makes one wind-up last a long time. now that the sick bird is feeling better, he'll probably enjoy it too. i'll put it on the limb, tommy. i forgot the rms. [music] i turned it on, tommy. in a minute, it'll start singin'. okay, i'll feed the baby birds. mr. timberlake: hello, george. oh, fred. come in. come in.

george wilson, who first sighted the canadian-crested warbler. how do you do, mr. pomeroy? this is truly an honor, mr. wilson. i'm looking forward to capturing your discovery on film and on tape. well, this is very embarrassing, sir, i-- oh, don't be so modest. well, i mean, you've traveled 500 miles-- mr. wilson, i'd travel a thousand miles to see a canadian-crested warbler. what i'm trying to say is-- [chirping] there he is. hear such purity of tone. that's what i was trying to say. let's get out there. it's all right. [chirping] congratulations, mr. wilson.

be inscribed on the honor scroll of the state society. oh, thank you, mr. pomeroy. and the fact that it's build a nest and is raising young may turn your backyard into a canadian-crested warbler sanctuary. well, man does the best he can. i wonder if i could borrow your ladder. i'd like to come as close as possible so i can capture every delicate nuance of his song on my tape recorder. of course, mr. pomeroy. i'll get it for you right away. you're late for work. you grab your 10-gallon jug of coffee, and back out of the garage. right into your wife's car. with your wife watching. she forgives you... eventually. your insurance company, not so much. they say you only have their basic policy. don't basic policies cover basic accidents? of course, they say... as long as you pay extra for it. with a liberty mutual base policy, new car replacement comes standard. and for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates

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boy, they're still over there, tommy. i wish they'd hurry up. that bird's gonna wind down pretty soon. maybe they never seen one before. 'cause the men are taking pictures of it while mr. wilson's getting a ladder. hey, if mr. wilson climbs the ladder, maybe he'll wind the bird up for us. we can't ask him, tommy. we promised we wouldn't make any noise. but we could call him over to the fence then ask him. uh-uh, mr. wilson is my friend, and i promised i wouldn't bother him

shh. oh, sorry, mr. pomeroy. there you are, sir. thank you. [chirping] oh, i wouldn't get too close, mr. pomeroy. you might scare him away. the bird is remarkably tame. yes, he is, isn't he? [chirping] i believe he'd sit on my finger. oh, i wouldn't try that, mr. pomeroy. go ahead, mr. pomeroy. what harm can it do? [music] why, this bird's a fake. wilson, what kind of a hoax are you trying to pull here anyway? why, i don't understand it.

some people will pull anything-- anything just to get their name inscribed on the honor scroll. i--i swear to you, i don't know anything about this. wilson, i am dropping you from the membership rolls of the north side bird watchers. why, you can't do this to me. you're a disgrace to bird watching, wilson. as far as i'm concerned, you can turn in your binoculars. but i swear to you, i saw a real bird. oh, that's a likely story. dennis: sure, you did, mr. wilson. oh, dennis, be quiet. i haven't an idea in the world where this mechanical one came from. it came from tommy's house. what did you say? it came from tommy's house. me and tommy put it up in the tree 'cause the real bird got sick and we didn't want the babies to be lonesome. what's that? come on, timberlake. this is probably just another trick. no, no, wait, wait, wait, please. that's dennis mitchell, a fine little boy, intelligent, loyal, honest, and true. oh, dennis, little friend.

dennis: the sick bird's up in our treehouse, mr. wilson. [chirping] you deserve a great deal of credit, mr. wilson. if you hadn't had the proper foods in your feeder, the canadian-crested warbler wouldn't have pulled through. no, the real credit belongs to dennis and tommy. they're the ones who took care of the bird. i'm just happy my feeder was there to help. well, i think we can arrange to add three names to the honor scroll: yours, mr. wilson, dennis', and tommy's. jeepers, that's swell. i've never been on an honor scroll before. is that good? oh, tell me, dennis, which of the foods did the crested warblers seem to like best? was it the chopped raisin, the sunflower seeds, or the suet, or-- he ate a little bit of everything you had, mr. wilson. mostly, he seemed to like our peanut butter sandwiches.

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shows that i'm smart enough to take care of my self. innovation and you. with philips lifeline medical alert service you get fast, easy access to help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. call today or visit www.philipslifeline.com don't wait! i mean why don't take the chance call philips lifeline now! - hi, dear. - mother sewing in the kitchen, dinner bubbling on the hearth. just like something out of louisa may alcott. - well, that's very sweet, dear, but i'm not really sewing. i'm butting a button on wally's good suit. going to a party saturday night. - well, if he's worried about buttons on his clothes, it's a sure sign he's growing up. - well, there are going to be girls at the party. that may be one of the reasons for his sudden maturity. - yup, i don't know anything that'll age a fellow faster than girls.

where's beaver? - he and that boy from his class, richard, went fishing after school. hope they don't catch anything. i don't feel like cleaning fish tonight. - hi, guys. - [ward] hello, wally - [june] hi, wally. - well, i understand that you're going to a social gathering tomorrow night. - heck, dad it's nothing like that. it's just a bunch of guys and girls. the only thing ritzy is we're wearing suits. - well, i sewed your button on. - oh, thanks, mom. it was eddie haskell's idea to wear suits. he says if any of the other guys show up wearing jackets or car coats, they'll feel creepy. (audience laughing) - well, you hang it up neatly now. now, don't just jam it in your closet, wally. - sure, mom. is the beaver home yet? - no, he's gone fishing. - you know, beaver's going fishing reminds me when i used to fish for eels. - eel? - yeah, yeah, we used to bait our hooks with liver, and we'd drop them down where the drainpipe emptied into the river. boy, we'd pull some out of there three feet long.

then we'd take them down ... what's the matter, dear? - please, dear, i'm cooking spaghetti. (audience laughing) - [richard] thanks for letting me use your pole, beaver. - thanks for letting your pole, richard. (audience laughing) - too bad we didn't catch anything, huh, beav? - well, it's not too bad, 'cause my mom doesn't like to clean fish. - hey, my mom doesn't like to clean fish either. how come women don't like to clean fish? - i don't know. they don't like to do a lot of neat stuff. well, i'll see you, richard. - hey beaver, you want your share of the bait? - yeah, i might go fishing over the weekend. - [richard] well, you got something to put them in? - i'll stick them in my pocket till i find something. - take some more, there's a whole lot of them. - [beaver] thanks, richard. (audience laughing) - [richard] well, i better get home, beaver, before i get hollered at. - does your mom holler at you, richard? - uh-uh, she tells my father and he hollers at me. - yeah, then you better get home. - [richard] okay, beav. thanks for letting me use your pole.

(audience laughing) hi mom! hey, mom, i'm home! - beaver, your mother's getting supper. you don't have to shout. - well, i wasn't shouting she should come in here, i was just shouting i was home. (audience laughing) - oh. well, how was the fishing trip? - gee, it was real neat, dad. we didn't catch any fish, but we saw a man slip on a wet rock and we heard almost everything he said. (audience laughing) - oh, yeah, well, uh, beaver, you'd better go on upstairs and get cleaned up now. and don't throw those dirty clothes all around the room. - yes, sir. - hey, beaver, you smell bad. - i don't smell bad to me. (audience laughing) - hey, dad, you ought to talk to the beaver about keeping himself cleaner. - oh? - well, sure. like what if he got hit by a truck or something and they had to take him to the hospital smelling like that? well he'd embarrass the whole family. (audience laughing)

well, beaver, what are you going to do today? - [beaver] gee, dad, it's saturday. i don't have to do anything. - [june] your father means who are you going to play with today? - [beaver] oh. - [wally] hey, mom! - [june] yes, wally? - mom, just smell this. - fish, how in the world ...? - beaver hung his dirty jacket in the closet right on top of my suit. - well, beaver, i thought you didn't catch any fish yesterday. - he didn't, but his pockets are all jammed up with dead minnows.

you should have known better than to keep dead fish bait in your pocket. - well, gee, dad, i didn't want to waste them in case me and richard went fishing again. - boy, beaver, i ought to clop you one. - no, you will not clop him one. - gee, dad, this is the suit i got to wear to the party. - well, that's good, wally. - what are you talking about? - now the girls won't bother you. (audience laughing) - i'll get this out of the way till we have breakfast. - [wally] gee, mom, what am i going to do? i'm nervous enough at parties without smelling like a fish. - don't worry, wally, we can have it dry cleaned and have it back by noon. now you just go on upstairs and get washed for breakfast. - okay, mom. hey, dad, what are we going to do about that jacket full of dead fish up in the closet? - beaver, you go up and get rid of it. - yes, sir. hey, wally. - yeah?

- ah, that's okay, beav. when i was your age, i was kind of dumb myself. - hi, mom. - hello there, beaver. hello there. - this is my friend, richard. he's a kid. - how do you do? - well, i've heard a great deal about you, richard. - we're going upstairs and mess around. come on, richard. - [june] oh, beaver, beaver, wally's suit just came back from the cleaners. would you take it upstairs and hang it in the closet? your father and i are going to go shopping. - sure, mom. - all right. - hey, beaver, your mom's okay. how'd she ever get so pretty? - i don't know. i think she was that way when my father got her. (audience laughing) - did wally get his suit dirty? is that why he sent it to the cleaners? - nah. he hung it right under my jacket when i had the bait in it, and i got the blame. - they always blame the littlest one in the family. - yeah. hey, richard, what do you want to do today?

hey, beaver, you got a horse? - nah. - then how come you got horseshoes? - for good luck. - well, heck, if you had good luck, you'd have a horse. (audience laughing) - i never thought of that. - [richard] what's this? - oil. wally uses it to oil his glove with. it makes a better pocket. - can i use it on my mine? - [beaver] sure. - how come this makes a glove better? - well, you see, gloves are made out of cows, and when the cow was alive, he had oil in him. - is this cow oil? - i don't know. don't make a big deal out of everything, huh, richard? (audience laughing) that's the way the big leaguers do. i'm going to be a big leaguer when i grow up. - i'd like to be a big leaguer, but i think my father's making me be a doctor. (audience laughing) - maybe you could be a big leaguer between looking at sick people.

- [richard] gosh! - [beaver] now look what you went and did. - well, maybe it won't show when it's buttoned. - yeah. - nope, it still shows. hey, maybe you could fix it. - how? - like my mom. when i get spots on my shirts, (crackly video). - yeah, i guess we got some bleach and stuff downstairs. - i know just how my mom does it. she puts a towel on her knees, and then one on top, and then she pours the bleach on. when she picks up the towel, the spot's gone. - you know, richard, you're a real smart kid. - well, i got to be. i'm the youngest in my family, too. (audience laughing) - [ward] thanks, dear.

- hey, june, who was that woman you were talking to in the market? - [june] oh, that was mrs. wilson. i met her in the beauty parlor. she's in the real estate business and she wanted to know if we were happy in our house and i told her that we were. - what's it to her if we're happy? - well, she says if we aren't, she has four buyers lined up. you know, she says she can get us $10,000 more for our house than we paid for it. why are you looking like that? - oh, i was just wondering if we can afford to be this happy. (audience laughing) - oh dear, i should have gotten bleach today. i didn't realize we were out of it. - you think the spot's bleached out yet, richard? - gee, soaking it for a whole half an hour ought to take out any kind of spot. (audience laughing) - lucky you thought of this. - yeah, otherwise we might be in trouble. (audience laughing)

(audience laughing) - well, the oil spot's gone. - yeah, but look at it. the gray's gone, too. - well, i got to get home now, beaver. - no you don't, you got to stay. - how come? - 'cause when i got a guest, i don't get punished so bad.

- you know, dear, that was very sweet of you to give up your golf today and stay home with me. - well, i don't think it's fair of me to play golf every weekend. besides, they're putting peat moss on the greens and the course is closed for a couple of days. (audience laughing) - you wouldn't have told me that when we were first married. - dear, i couldn't afford to play golf when we were first married. (audience laughing) i think i'll go down to the hardware store and get some hinges for that garage door. - oh, hi, guys. - hello, wally. - must you call us guys?

- well, heck, mom, eddie haskell calls his parents by their first names. - [june] oh. well, i guess guys isn't so bad after all. (audience laughing) - i'm going down to the hardware store, wally. you want to ride along? - well, yeah, sure. i'll got get my jacket. - [ward] fine. oh, hey, dad. is it okay on the way home if we stop by and pick up eddie? - yeah, i guess so. why? do you two have something planned? - well, we're going to that party tonight. eddie and i thought we'd pick out some records to take along. - well, couldn't you pick out the records at eddie's house? - yeah, we could, mom, but eddie haskell's father told him to keep his cotton-picking hands off the hifi. (audience laughing) well, i'll get my jacket. - see you in the car, wally. - my brother wally's downstairs. he's coming up! - [richard] here! - hide the bleach. - where'll i put it? - under the bed.

- hey, what are you doing? - oh, i'm just sitting here doing nothing. and this is my friend, richard. he's doing nothing, too. - i got a big sister that knows you. - oh, yeah? what's her name? - margaret rickover. she says she's always looking at you in science class. - oh, yeah, she kind of gives me the willies. - she kind of gives me the willies, too, and she's my sister. - are you sure you guys aren't up to something? - [beaver] huh-uh. - [richard] uh-uh. - boy, that was close, huh, richard? - yeah, that was too close. i'm really going home now. (audience laughing) hey, beav, i'm not trying to ditch you or anything. - [beaver] oh, that's okay, richard. if i messed something up at your house, i probably would have gone home a long time ago.

- good afternoon, mrs. cleaver. - [june] well, hello, eddie. mr. cleaver and wally are going to stop by and pick you up. what'd you do, walk over? - oh, no. i got a ride with mr. worthington's chauffeur. the worthingtons are friends of ours. they're very rich. (audience laughing) - oh, are you friends of the chauffeur's, too? - oh, yes. my father says i should be democratic. (audience laughing) - i see. - is it all right if i wait up in wally's room for him? - yes, i think the beaver's up there. - oh, i wouldn't want to intrude on the beaver. i can just wait down here in the kitchen. (audience laughing)

- eddie. - yes, mrs. cleaver? - eddie, i think you can wait up in beaver's room if you like. - are you sure i wouldn't be disturbing him? - no. he came down and got his old water color set out of the basement. i think he's painting. - thank you. that smells delicious whatever it is. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) - boo! - eddie! - what are you doing, you little creep? - gee, eddie, where'd you come from? - i came from outer space on a ray of light. (audience laughing) - cut it out, eddie. i'm in real trouble. - yeah? what are you messing up your brother's suit for? - well, richard was over and he spilled oil on it, and then we tried to bleach it out, but that only made a white spot, so i'm trying to paint it gray like the rest of the suit.

a pretty good little sneak. (audience laughing) - boy, when wally gets home, he's going to kill me, then my mom's going to kill me, then my dad's going to kill me. - well, at least it'll all be in a family. (audience laughing) - cut it out, will you, eddie? - [eddie] hey. boy, you're scared, huh? - well, it's not only that, but i wouldn't want to do anything to hurt wally for anything in the whole world. - boy, you're not only scared, you're sloppy. (audience laughing) - [wally] oh, hi, eddie. we stopped by your house to pick you up. - i've been here for 10 minutes. some stuck-up guy's chauffeur gave me a lift. - i see you brought the records, huh? hey, what's the matter with you, beav? - nothing. - uh, hey, wally, what are you going to wear tonight? - [wally] what am i going to wear? my gray suit.

your gray suit. well ... - [wally] what do you mean, "well"? - well, what i mean is isn't that kind of pushing it? - you were the one that said we should wear them, so the other guys would feel like creeps. - yeah, but i've been thinking. we ought to play it cool and casual. i don't mean we should be like gypsies, but we don't want to look like undertakers, either. - i could wear my sport jacket and slacks. - yeah. we'll play it kind of tony curtis. hey, if your old man's not hogging the living room, let's go down and play these records. - yeah, sure. - hey, eddie. - [eddie] be right with you, wally. - yeah, sure. - gee, eddie, thanks a lot. - for what? i got a new sport jacket i want to wear. - no you don't, eddie. you did it to help me out. - all right, so i helped you out. so i expect you to do something for me in return.

- you know, eddie, you're a real neat guy. - look, shrimp, you start slobbering over me and i'll slug you one. - yeah, sure, eddie. - i mean it. (audience laughing) - hey, dad, i'm going. - well, want me to drop you off at the party? - well, gee, no, dad. somebody might look out the window and see you. - oh, wally! i thought you were wearing your gray suit. - well, eddie and i decided not to. after all, we don't want to look like a couple of undertakers. - have a good time, son. - yeah, dad, i'll try. hey, mom, what's the matter with the beaver? - what do you mean? - well, i just asked him how do i look, and he busted out bawling. - he's crying? - yeah. he's been acting weird all day. oh well, i'll see you later.

well, dear, if beaver's upstairs crying, we better find out what it's all about. - yeah. beaver! beaver! - [beaver] yes, dad? - are you crying up there? - [beaver] no, i'm not crying. - well, don't you think you'd feel better if you came down and told us all about it? - [beaver] yeah, i guess i'd feel better. i'll be right down. - i'm sorry, dad, i'm sorry. it was an accident, and i couldn't help it. - beaver, it's all over. now please stop crying. - yes, come on, son, calm down. get a grip on yourself. - well, gee, dad, i don't want a big lecture. just kill me for wrecking the suit. - look, nobody's going to kill you. - look, beaver, you didn't have to hide this. lots of times in the past you've done something wrong and you've come to me and told me the truth. haven't i always forgiven you? well, what's the matter now? - well, gee, dad. well, telling the truth and getting forgiven

- but, beaver, don't we always try to understand your mistakes? - yeah. but while you're doing it, you make me feel like a dumb kid. (audience laughing) - well, we certainly don't intend to, beaver. but i guess sometimes we do forget that you don't have the maturity and commonsense of an adult. - well, gee, dad, are you calling me a dumb kid again? (audience laughing) - [ward] no, of course not, beaver. it's just that it's very hard for adults and children to understand each other. you see, one speaks as an adult and the other listens as a child. - did you have trouble understanding your father, dad? - i certainly did. - well, at least that makes me feel better. - well, suppose i get us all a glass of milk and a piece of cake, hm? and don't you worry anymore about it. maybe we can have the suit dyed. - well, i suppose that's why wally wore his sport jacket to the party tonight, huh?

he doesn't even know about the suit being messed up. - [ward] oh? - yeah, dad. eddie haskell caught me painting the suit and he talked wally into wearing a sport jacket. - eddie did that? - yeah, dad. he did a real nice thing. well, i'm going to tell all the guys what he did. - well, now, beaver, i'm not so sure eddie would appreciate that. you see, i think it's part of eddie's being a character not to let people know that he ever does anything nice. - no fooling, dad? - yeah. anyway, you know eddie did something nice, and eddie knows he did something nice. and as someone once said, a good deed is sufficient unto itself. - dad. - mm-hmm. - are you talking like an adult again? (audience laughing) - yeah, beaver, i'm afraid i am. well, come on.

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the only two guys at the party wearing sport jackets? - [wally] yeah. most of the other guys wore suits. - did you feel creepy? - well, at first, but at a party you start having a good time and after a while you forget you feel creepy. - did you take all those records and dance with girls? - yeah, i danced with some girls. - well, did they have any good stuff to eat? - yeah. - [beaver] wally, i'm your brother, so you can tell me this. which do you like better, dancing with girls or eating? (audience laughing) - well, with some girls, i'd rather be dancing, but other girls, when i'm dancing with them, i'd rather be eating.

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hundreds of dollars a day doing glamorous and exciting work! - look, beaver, i told you before. i don't want to be a new york model! - why don't you send your picture in anyways. maybe you're not good-looking enough to make $100 a day, but maybe you're good-looking enough to make five or ten. (laughter) - cut it out, beaver. this is only one of those things that looks good in a magazine. you know, like raising mushrooms in your basement. - but gee, wally, i never knew a model before. - [june] well boys, we're going. beaver, wally.

- we're going to have dinner with the comptons. - what's a compton? - mr. compton's an attorney for your father's firm. - oh yeah, i remember him. he came over at christmas time. shook hands with both of us, but he didn't give us anything. (laughter) - well, yes wally, that's the man we're going to have dinner with. - gee, dad, you're always eating with people from your business. don't you ever get to eat with people you like? (laughter) - beaver, mr. compton's one of your father's best friends. honey, i think we'd better be going. - [ward] yes. - mom? - yes, beaver? - do we have any good pictures of me? - [june] pictures? i think there's some in the desk. what do you want them for? - oh, i don't want 'em for now. well, i just wanted to know where they are in case i needed 'em. - well, we'll be home early, boys. wally, you keep an eye on things. - oh sure, dad, don't worry. i won't let the beaver goof up anything. (laughter) - goodbye boys. - bye mom, bye dad. mr. compton's a lawyer, huh wally?

- well is that why he doesn't believe in christmas? (laughter) - [wally] hey beaver? where ya' going? - just downstairs to get a picture. - hey, you're not gonna send your picture in to be a model, are you? - well, i might. - boy, wait 'til they see your puss. that'll ruin the modeling business for some frankensteins. (laughter) (laughter) - you know, wally, i never knew i was such a good-looking guy. - well, heck, beaver, to me you still look like nothing. - well then, how come they sent me that letter? - [wally] oh, i don't know. maybe in new york, you don't look so creepy. - you know, wally, maybe i can pose for a bicycle, and they'll give me one. - but you already got a bike. - yeah, but any guy that's making $100 a day should have two bikes. (laughter)

- [wally] hi dad. - dad, when i go to new york to be a model, is it okay if i quit school? - yeah, well, beaver, i think you're getting a little carried away here. you see, i read this letter over, and well, beave, i'm afraid it's just a real come-on. - well, sure it is dad. they want me to come on to new york and be a model. (laughter) - [wally] beaver, umm, i think dad means it's a gyp. - is the whole thing a real honest-to-goodness gyp? - yeah, beaver, it's a real honest-to-goodness gyp. you'd better forget about this letter. and if they send you any more, you better just ignore them. - yes sir. - hey eddie, how come we didn't go over to your house and mess around? - eh, my pop's sore at me. - yeah, what'd you do? - well, last night i came down to dinner in my bare feet. (laughter)

- nah, he just said to my mother, "tell that creep to go put his shoes on." (laughter) - heh! (laughter) - well, i guess we can mess around in here. - hey, what's all this junk addressed to you brother? your pop's sending him to summer camp to get rid of him? (laughter) - no, beaver sent his picture in to some modeling agency, and they want him to sign up. my father told him it was a gyp. - what are ya' knocking modeling school for? i think that's the way sal mineo got started. - well, he was gonna send the blank in, but my father doesn't want him getting messed up with it. hey, eddie, uh, let's go down and get something to eat, huh? - uh, hey wally, why don't you go down and bring me up something. every time i walk in the kitchen, your mother's always giving me that look. - what look? - you know, like i'm a roach or something. (laughter) - okay, i'll go get ya' something.

- [wally] oh hi, beave. - hi wally. - eddie's in there. - hi eddie. - [eddie] hiya, beaver. you gnaw down any trees today? (laughter) - cut it out, will ya' eddie? - [eddie] hey, i hear you're thinking about being a model, huh? - well, i sent my picture in, but my dad's not gonna let 'em put it in the book, 'cause he says the whole thing's a gyp. - he told ya' that, huh? listen, i've heard that line myself. - what do you mean, eddie? - [eddie] they'll do it to ya' all the time. like, i sent away for a booklet. and i had a chance to get into radio and television. my old man killed it. he wouldn't give me the measly 80 bucks to sign up. (laughter) - gee, eddie, how come? - he doesn't want anyone around the house making more money than he is. (laughter) - well, my father's not like that. - okay, but are you gonna let your pop ruin your whole career as a model? - well, gee, eddie, maybe i wouldn't have a career as a model. - what do ya' mean?

take a look in the mirror. now you may not be in my class, but you're not the ugliest kid in the world. (laughter) - gee, thanks a lot eddie. - sure, these guys wouldn't be sending you an application if they didn't think you had something. this is your chance to be a millionaire while you're still a kid. - hey eddie, my mom says if you want something to eat, you better come down to the kitchen and get it yourself. - okay, okay. don't forget what i told ya' kid. don't let 'em push you around, just 'cause they're bigger than you. (laughter) - well, what are ya' telling him, eddie? - i wasn't telling him nothing! - gentlemen, i would like to take advantage of your generous offer, and hereby give you permission to use my photograph in your annual model's directory.

- [june] hello, wally. - hi mom. - well, you didn't bring eddie haskell home with you today. - nah, he's grounded. his father's making him come right home from school all this week. - what'd eddie do? - gee, i don't know, mom. it must be something real weird, 'cause he's not allowed to use the phone, either. - why doesn't eddie behave himself? - well, heck, mom, if he did that, he wouldn't be eddie. (laughter) no, thanks mom. (laughter) hey, did beaver come home from school yet? i promised to play catch with him. - yes, he waited out in front until the mailman came, and he's been up in his room ever since. - oh, probably sent away for some kind of junk again. (laughter)

- oh hi, beaver. - oh, hi wally. (whistling) (laughter) did you have a nice day at school? - alright, whaddya been up to? - what do you mean what have i been up to? - well, you must have been up to something to look that innocent. - well, i haven't been up to anything. well, i just, umm, happened to get this letter in the mail. - hey, it's from that model agency. dear sir, in accordance with your signed request, we have included your photograph in our model's directory, which is now being distributed to all important outlets.

of thirty dollars by-- (laughter) thirty dollars by return mail. boy, beaver, how come they're asking you for thirty dollars? - i don't know. i guess 'cause i signed the application and sent it in. - but gee, beaver, dad told you not to! he told you it was a gyp. - well, i know, but then eddie haskell told me dad just told me that because he didn't want me making more money than he did. (laughter) - boy, you're in a real mess. what are you gonna do? - well, dad said if i got any more letters, to ignore 'em. well i think this is a good one to start ignoring 'em on. - yeah, you can ignore 'em, but something tells me,

- excuse me, dear. - oh. hey, dear, when i came home today, i saw beaver sitting out front on the curb. what was he doing there for?

he sits out on the curb and waits for the mailman practically every day. - oh, well he's probably found a new friend in the mailman. i remember when i was a boy on the farm, the mailman and the mail order catalog were about our only contacts with the gay and glamorous outside world. - i just can't imagine you on the farm. you're so suave and sophisticated now. - dear sir, up until now we have taken a conciliatory attitude, blaming your failure to answer our letters on oversight. however, if the payment of our thirty dollar fee is not in this office within five days, we are turning the matter over to our attorneys for collection. (laughter) please avoid further financial assessments and embarrassment by remitting at once. boy beaver, did you get any more of these letters?

wally, what does it mean "further embarrassment?" - well, that's like when a guy comes banging at your door with a summons. and he takes you down to court and sues ya' and then they take your picture and put it in the paper and say, "beaver is a crook." (laughter) that's further embarrassment. - well, gee, wally, i don't want any of that. what am i gonna do? - well, you better go down and talk to dad. - but, well, he's the one that told me the whole thing was a gyp, and not to have anything to do with them. - well, sure, but he's gonna find out when they drag you down to court. so you might as well tell him now. - yeah. but i think i'll wait 'til tomorrow to tell him. - [wally] what good is that? - well, i might have some good luck in the night, oh, and die or something. - nah, nothing like that ever happens when you want it to. (laughter)

- yeah, well i guess so. - dear, how did you mean it a while ago when you said i was suave and sophisticated? - i just meant you were suave and sophisticated. - oh, that's how you meant it. (laughter) - [beaver] hi mom, hi dad. - [june] hi. - [ward] hello, beave. you want something beaver? - well, uh, yes dad, uh, could you tell me a story? - well, what kind of a story? - [beaver] oh, any kinda story. like, uh, well, a story about guys owing money and they can't pay it. - well, let's see, umm, there was charles dickens. - well, did he owe guys money? - no, but he wrote about people who did. there was one book about a whole family who had to go to debtor's prison because they couldn't pay their bills. - the kids too?

- oh. - if you like, we could get you some of mr. dickens' books. - oh, no thanks mom, it's bad enough hearing about junk like that without having to read it. - dear, why would he be asking questions like that about owing money? - well, i think i can just about see what happened. either in the candy store or at school, he borrowed 10 cents or so from larry. now larry's pressing him for the money. so beaver figured if he came in and hinted around a little bit, we'd try to get to the bottom of it, and wind up giving him the money to pay larry. but it didn't work. (ward chuckles) - you know, you're very clever to have figured that all out. - oh, of course dear. that's because i'm so suave and sophisticated. (laughter) - hey beaver, how'd you make out with dad? - not very good. he just told me a whole bunch of junk that made the whole thing worse.

well, umm, would you like me to go down and talk to him for ya'? - nah, he'd probably just tell you the same stories. - yeah. hey beave, it's too bad you're not bigger. then you could hire a lawyer and fight this company, like they do on television. - well, listen wally, if i was bigger, they'd be afraid to send me a letter like this in the first place. (laughter) - [ward] hi dear. - [june] hi. - well, this is the first afternoon this week i've come home and i haven't found beaver sitting on the curb in front. - he hasn't even come home from school yet. - oh, well he's probably playing somewhere. - you don't suppose he got in trouble, and they kept him after school, do you? - not on a friday, dear. that's the one day a child never gets in trouble at school. - well, i just wish he'd get home. - oh, i wouldn't worry about it. right now, he's probably calling on one of his little friends.

- [receptionist] can i help you, sonny? - no ma'am, but mr. compton can. i'd like to see him, please. - well, mr. compton is quite busy. to see him, i'm afraid you should have made an appointment in advance. - well, i didn't know in advance i was gonna be in trouble. couldn't you please tell him it's his friend, theodore cleaver? - well, you take a magazine and sit over there. i'll see. mr. compton, there's a theodore cleaver here to see you. - you don't mean ward cleaver, do you? - no, theodore. he's a little boy. - oh, yes, ward's boy. yes, i guess he can come in for a minute. - this isn't like the dentist's office. the magazines don't have pictures in 'em. - yes, i know.

- well, well, theodore, it's been quite a while since i've seen you. - yes sir, since last christmas when you just shook my hand. (laughter) - well, what can i do for you, son? you selling boy scout cookies or something? (mr. compton chuckles) - well, no sir, it's not cookies. well, i'd like to hire you as my lawyer. well, i'm being sued. - sued? well, just who is suing you? - a whole lot of people. their names are all right here. - well, uh, suppose you sit down over there while i look these over. well, model agency. they do seem to be putting the pressure on you. - well, yes sir. they started out talking real nice,

- did your father send you down here to talk to me? - oh no sir. well, i couldn't tell him about the letters. - you couldn't tell your father you were in trouble? - no sir, on account of in the beginning he told me the whole thing was a gyp, and not to have anything to do with 'em. but then a wise guy kid told me a whole bunch of junk, and i did it anyways. (laughter) - well, i guess i can handle this for you. - are you gonna be mean back at 'em? (laughter) - oh, i think we can call off these bulldogs. - well, mr. compton, i got in trouble before not asking how much stuff costs. how much are you gonna charge me? (laughter) - well, beaver, my fees vary. how much can you afford to pay me? - well, i got 46 cents saved up. (laughter) would that be enough to make you be mean to 'em? - yes, beaver, and i'm going to take that fee, because i think you should learn that anytime you put yourself in a position where you can't

it's going to cost you something in life. do you understand that, theodore? - yes sir. well, i didn't think i'd get out of this without somebody bawling me out. (laughter) - well, theodore, you did a very foolish thing. and you disobeyed your father. don't you think you deserve a bawling out? - yes sir, but i thought it'd be easier to come to someone i didn't know so well. - beaver, you can't expect strangers to be as understanding as your own parents. - gee, even when a guy's paying 46 cents to be understanding? - not even then. (laughter) - uh huh, (chuckles) yeah, i see, yeah well, well, thanks a lot, george, right, goodbye. - dear, do you know beaver went upstairs

wally and i had to undress him to put him in bed. - well, i'm not surprised. he's had a very busy week. - well, he's hardly done anything. just sat around every afternoon waiting to talk to the mailman. - he's hardly done anything, huh? do you know that young man has been threatened with legal action, he has hired a lawyer, and he's paid him 46 cents to handle his case. (laughter) - when did all this happen? - george compton just called. it seems that beaver ignored my advice, and got himself involved with those gyps from the model agency. they threatened to sue him, and george is getting him off the hook. - so that's what's been going on all this time. - that's right. - well, dear, i know beaver's been through a lot, but i think you should speak to him tomorrow morning. after all, we don't want him getting involved in something like this again. - well, i don't really think there's much danger of that.

- i hope he wasn't mean to him. - well, he was firm. and i think it'll do beaver a lot of good. you know, a parent can tell a child something's wrong until he's blue in the face, but when someone else tells him, then it really makes an impression. (laughter) - dear, did george really take beaver's 46 cents? - he sure did. i have an idea it was about the best 46 cents worth of experience beaver'll ever get, too! - hey, beaver, aren't you gonna put on clean socks? hi, folks. i'm matt mccoy. for people as experienced as you and me... [ tires screech ] ...careful driving just comes naturally. all that experience should be worth something. and it is... with the aarp auto insurance program from the hartford. switching saved me hundreds. in fact, four out of five aarp members age 50 and over who switched to the hartford

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- uh uh, well i'll just turn the old ones inside out. they're not dirty on this side. (laughter) - you know something, beaver? you're kind of a slob. (laughter) - [beaver] well i am not. when the school nurse came around, i got a gold star for having the cleanest ears in the whole class. (laughter) - yeah, it's lucky they don't inspect feet. that's all i got to say. (laughter) - yeah. - hey, beaver, did you really go into that lawyer's office all by yourself? no fooling? - sure i did. - weren't you scared? - sure i was scared. well, i'm always scared of guys in offices. - well, that's what you get for messing stuff up. - yeah, you know wally, i can't wait until i'm old enough not to mess stuff up anymore. - heck beaver, nobody ever gets too old

that's why right here in mayfield, they've got three whole buildings full of lawyers. (laughter)

mommy. how's your chin? it's better. that's good. maybe the next time i tell you you're too young to fly, you'll pay attention to me. mommy, can we go to the play park this afternoon? oh, not today, sweetheart. i have a lot to do. but i want to go to the play park. so do i, sweetheart, but i told you i have too much to do. i have to finish feeding adam, and i have to give him his bath, put him down for his nap, and then there are diapers to fold. i wish that i don't have to share with anyone. [ tinkles ] hi, tabitha. are you my very own special mommy that i don't have to share with anyone? i'm the mommy you wished for. come on, let's play a game or something. don't you have to take care of the baby? what baby?

you are the mos [ tinkles ] 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

tabitha? tabitha? oh, you're such a good hider. where are you, my little blond angel? oh, you're such beauty and such grace! home free! home free! you didn't catch me! you didn't catch me! oh, you're so clever, precious. now it's my turn. cover your eyes. okay, only remember, if mommy comes in -- i mean my other mommy -- don't let her see you. i won't. now, close your eyes and count to 10. okay. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. here i come, ready or not. you're not hiding. tabitha, what are you doing? just playing a game, mommy. oh.

now i have to finish the laundry. see you you have to be quiet. the baby's taking a nap. all right, precious. why don't we go to the play park? goody, what a marvelous idea! i have some tickets left over from last time. oh, you are clever. all right. here we go to the play park [ giggles ] [ ding! ] gladys: mrs. stephens! mrs. stephens! tabitha! hello, mrs. kravitz. hi, mrs. stephens. hi, tabitha. you remember my nephew, seymour. hi. mommy's going to take me for a ride on the train. come on, mommy. mrs. stephens. do you realize you haven't even said hello to me? oh. hello.

uh, where's the baby? what baby? there's the train, mommy, come on. uh, mrs. stephens. do you realize that you didn't even say goodbye to me? goodbye. good job, darrin, good job. but, you know, i wouldn't be surprised if we have samantha to thank when we finally get nickerson back on the old, dotted line. what's sam got to do with it? well, last night's dinner was a culinary masterpiece. and to quote nickerson, "samantha was the most charming hostess he's ever met." that's very nice. i couldn't agree with him i'll tell her just as soon as -- never mind. i'll tell her myself when i see her tonight. tonight? yeah, nickerson and his wife want a return engagement. can you blame them? larry, i think my campaign ideas are enough reason to get nickerson to renew.

[ telephone rings ] hello? oh, hi, darrin. how's it going? oh, nothing much. just a few chores around the house. tabitha? she's still playing in her room. look, sam, you may as well level with me. mrs. kravitz called me and told me she'd seen you and tabitha at and i think it's wrong for you to give int darrin, that's ridiculous. why would mrs. kravitz call and tell you such a thing? what do you mean, "what baby"?! uh, just a minute, darrin. tabitha? tabitha?! darrin, tabitha isn't in her room. i-i just looked. i think i better pop over to the park and see what's going on. never mind the popping. mrs. kravitz said she saw tabitha at the park with you.

would you believe serena? why don't you pop over to the park and don't worry, sweeth bye-bye. esmeralda. esmeralda, i need you. [ ding! ] ooh! aunt hagatha, where's esmeralda? i'm covering for her. she went south for the galactic rejuvenation and dinner dance. oh, well, just keep an eye on adam for me, will you? i'll be back as quickly as i can. [ ding! ] [ carnival music plays ] [ giggles ] tabitha: i think i want to go home now, mommy. [ ding! ]

[ ding! ] well, that was fast. now, if you don't mind, i want to get back to my metaphysical meditation. [ ding! ] [ doorbell rings ] oh, mrs. stephens, y-you're home. i just thought i'd look in to make sure the baby was all right. what baby? mrs. stephens, are you sure you're all right? oh, i'm fine. mommy and i are going up to my room and play. come on, mommy. uh, would you mind if i looked in on the baby to see if he was all right? do whatever you want. tabitha and i are going up to her room to play. you don't understand. i'm looking for my little girl.

i don't understan there was a slight resemblance. then you did see her. where did she go? back where she came from. i don't think you're being very cooperative. lady, look, if you'd like to get on the wheel and go up and look for her, i'll let you ride up for nothing, but i'm not hanging around to see who comes back down. now, wait a minute. you mean my little girl rode up on the ferris wheel, but she didn't come back down? you said it, lady, i didn't. well, thank you. excuse me. i'm in a terrible hurry. [ ding! ] gladys: but, mr. stephens, i think you better get home as quickly as you can.

but mrs. stephens is behaving very strangely. she doesn't even know who i am. mrs. kravitz. what are you doing here? i think you better hurry before it's too late. too late? mrs. kravitz, is something wrong? where's aunt hagatha? uh, mrs. stephens, calm yourself. the baby's fine, and tabitha's up in her room playing. remember? oh, y-yes, of cours well, mrs. kravitz, if you'll excuse me, i-i think i'll go up and have a little talk with her. uh, if you don't mind my saying so, mrs. stephens, i think you ought to go and lie down and have a nice, long rest. what for? there's nothing wrong with me.

but i want to have real food for our tea party and real tea to drink. all right, sweetheart. i'll pop down to the kitchen and fix us lots of goodies. then we can have a real party. [ ding! ] tabitha, where have you been? oh, hello, mommy. don't "oh, hello, mommy" me, young lady. what have you been up to, and where's auntie serena? auntie serena isn't here, mommy. she took you to the park, didn't she? tabitha. she didn't, mommy, honest. sam? hello. would you mind telling me what's going on around here? mrs. kravitz bugging me at the office is not something that i look forward to.

except tabitha's waiting for her goodies. and what was tabitha doing at the park? we had fun at the park. but i thought you said she was with serena. serena? sam, are you all right? oh, i'm fine. now, i'm gonna give you a little time to think that over, and if you don't tell me the truth, i'm gonna put you across my knee. and that goes for and don't think i can't do it. i have to take these up to tabitha. she's waiting. [ ding! ] mrs. kravitz. i didn't know you were still here. oh, i thought i should stay in case i could be of any help.

i tried to get mrs. stephens to lie down and rest, but she keeps insisting she's fine. that's what they all say, you know. mrs. kravitz, i don't think you need to concern yourself any more. believe me, mr. stephens, your wife has been behaving very strangely. darrin. what brings you home so early? i just told you in the kitchen that -- oh, that must have been serena you were talking to. she's been keeping tabitha entertained all day. mrs. kravitz, my co and she has a very weird sense of humor. oh. we appreciate your concern, mrs. kravitz, but, as you can see, everything's fine, so you can run along home, and -- mind your -- mind your way going across the street. after all, you have gotten yourself a little overwrought. uh, you and your cousin certainly bear a remarkable resemblance.

serena even confuses me sometimes. you sure you're all right? perfectly. so, thank you very much, mrs. kravitz. samantha, your freaked-out cousin has done some wild, wacky things, but this i don't understand. maybe she's upset because we punished tabitha. you know she's a real softy -- down deep... inside. sure. and it's none of her business what we do with tabitha. shh! she may still be hanging around. i'm sure she is -- upside-down from a rafter in the attic. darrin, will you relax before you make things worse? speaking of worse, i've got to call larry. why do you have to call larry? to break a dinner date i'm not surprised i forgot to tell you about. he took the liberty of asking the nickersons over again tonight, and they were supposed to arrive early for cocktails. oh, honey, now, there's no reason to cancel dinner.

so can serena. don't worry about her. she's like a child. her attention spa she's had her fun for the day. i don't think she'l what about you? this has been a hectic day. will you stop worrying? i'm fine. you don't let me get started with dinner, you will have something to worry about. sam. you know something? what? you're a witch in a million. ha! [ adam gurgles ] that's daddy's big boy. he's gonna grow up to be a linebacker, aren't you, fella? [ adam gurgles ] [ doorbell rings ] 6:00 on the button. just our luck, they're on time. well, we're ready. i'll take adam upstairs, and check on tabitha while you answer the door. isn't that right? what was that? well, come on.

there we go. [ laughs ] hello, darrin. and here we are, right on the dot. mr. and mrs. nickerson. good evening. nice of you to have us back so soon, stephens. well, it's our pleasure. i hope it isn't too much of an imposition on you and your wife, mr. stephens. it isn't an imposition at all. it's our pleasure. well, stephens, that's a very special little lady you have there. i know. and a very special little baby boy. he's the cutest little baby i've ever seen, and he's an absolute angel. why, sure. any toofins in there? show me. let me see the little. about one and a half teeth, i think. yes. well, as much as adam is enjoying all this attention, i think it's time he went to bed. sweetheart, there's a tray of hors d'oeuvres in the refrigerator. night night! night night. good night, young fella. bye-bye, adam.

you have to dress just like mommy. [ ding! ] yes, tate, i'll be down to your office early in the morning to sign the papers. i fully approve of stephens' new concept. well, that's good news, mr. nickerson. i'm particularly pleased with the way stephens worked up my ideas. samantha: good evening, everyone. well, that was fast. well, little adam certainly doesn't give you any tr when you put him down, does he? that little angel. i don't pay much attention to him. i wanted tabitha to come down and say hello to everyone. she's my little angel. hi, tabitha. you remember mr. and mrs. nickerson. how do you do? good evening, littl it's nice to see you again, tabitha. tabitha is the most perfect child anyone could wish for. thank you, mommy.

okay, tabitha. you run up to bed now. oh, look, tabitha. more goodies for you. those goodies are for the adults. i consider tabitha an adult. my, she is getting to be a big girl, isn't she? she's big. she's smart. she's pretty. she's good as gold. i am the luckiest mother in the world to have a little girl like tabitha. tabitha, sweetheart, are you sure you don't want to play another game of hide-and-seek? i don't feel like playing anymore. all right, serena, just what do you think you're u serena? serena who? i told you, mommy, it's not serena. it isn't? [ gasps ] it isn't! it's my very own special mommy that i don't have to share with anyone. i wished her.

because you're so busy with the baby. oh, tabitha. i am busy with the baby because he's little -- just like you used to be, but that doesn't mean i don't love you as much as ever. mommy, my tummy hurts. i think i ate too much today. i'll get you something to make you feel better. now, you wish your very own special mommy who spoils you rotten to go away. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] and remember -- real mommies sometimes have to say no, but it still means, "i love you," okay? okay, mommy. [ laughs ] oh, my.

sweetheart? your drink's on the table there. oh, thanks. tabitha helped me feed adam and helped me give him his bath. and she did very well, too. so tomorrow i'm going to take her to the play park and then we're going to go shopping for a new dress. are you sure you're not overcompensating? not at all. i just want her to know that the women around here still have equal rights no matter how handsome and attractive the men are. [ telephone rings ] i'll get it. hello? oh, hello, mrs. kravitz. how is she, mr. stephens? does she still seem all right? she's fine, mrs. kravitz. of course, that's what they all say. i hope you're watching for any sign of a relapse. and remember, mr. stephens, if you need me anytime, i'm right here.

[ sighs ] that mrs. kravitz is something else. but thankfully the whole nightmare is over. oh, you have a lot more than that to be thankful for. no, i know, i know -- you, tabitha, adam. mnh-mnh. no. that's not exactly what i had in mind. you can be thankful that it was not serena who was entertaining tabitha all day yesterday. why? darrin! if she had overheard some of the things you said about her -- wacky, freaked-out, hanging from her toes in the attic. she's very sensitive, you know. she might have turned you into a toad. sam, what would you do if one of your family turned me into a toad? that's easy. i'd just turn myself into a toad

-- captions by vitac -- www.vi [ ding! ] hiya, gorgeous! [ laughs ] sam! got a riddle for you. what's worse than finding a worm in an apple? finding you in the mirror. no! finding half a worm. see, half a wo because y-- oh, forget it. yes, darrin, what is it? [ sighs ] uncle arthur. hiya, sammy. you get out of there this minute. didn't have anything better to do, so i thought i'd drop in and see you and the old point killer. i said out. okay, okay. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] what happened? for your information,

somebody took you. sam. don't get your giblets in an uproar. i'll have it back together in a jiffy. [ warbling ] may take another little jiffy. [ warbling ] uncle arthur, is there something the matter with you? of course not. t-that mirror mus you've got another mirror in the hall, haven't you? oh, now, wait a minute. i don't think that's such a good idea.

why don't you take a walk around the block? i know you're not too fond of dr. bombay. oh, no. every man has the right to protect his home. calling dr. bombay. calling dr. bombay. emergency. come right away. and i'm going to stay here and protect mine from that quack. [ ding! ] if you ever need brain surgery, don't hesitate to call. it will only be a minor operation. may i say your timing is atrocious? you got me right in the middle of the final match of the witches' international chess tournament, and i was playing under a terrible handicap. what was that?

well, come along. who's the patient? uncle arthur. hmm. i'll tak sit down, leg up, left shoe off. he's got the bedside manner of an orangutan. oh! oh. pulse is normal. what seems to be the problem? right now, a sprained ankle, i think. make -- make that a broken ankle. we'll just check your blood pressure. [ tink! ] ouch! are you sure your license was reinstated? oh, my. my, my. tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. mnh. what is it? give it to me straight. you've got a sh [ laughs ] i know i have to put up with his malpractice, but about those jokes... dr. bombay, wouldn't it help if i told you what the symptoms are? if you insist. uh, w-well, his powers are a little erratic -- sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. either way, it's disaster.

hi, darrin. hi. uh, i was just passing by, and i thought i'd stop in and, uh, you know i didn't need any more excuses, but come on in the den. [ door closes ] who's that? eh, nobody you'd want to meet. you -- you expect me to swallow a pill that size? i'll give you an assist. [ clears throat ] stand up. face me [ ding! ] [ gulps ] mmf! there we are. if he doesn't choke, he should be all right. it worked in three out of four cases. what happened to the fourth? if science is to advance, some sacrifices must be made. why, you charlatan! i'll teach you to experiment on me! uncle arthur, please!

cheerio! [ ding! ] you got an angle on the slogan yet? uh, yes, but i'm not ready to discuss it. darrin, i have to be in chicago at 10:00 in the morning to show it to the top pop people. can't you this is just a rough draft, you understand. i know, i know. "try top pop and enjoy the pop-ulation explosion." you're right. you're not ready. u-u-uncle arthur, b-before you have a fit, why don't you see if the pill worked? but don't try it on any more mirrors. okay. have, um, have you ever seen me palm a half-dollar? watch closely. [ ding! ] [ gasps ] uncle arthur, thank heavens you're back to darrin: how long do you think you'll be in chicago? quick, get rid of it. but i haven't done the trick yet. larry: if everything goes well, i should be back by wednesday.

uncle arthur, larry and darrin are -- hi, larry. you remember my uncle arthur. sure. nice to see you again. nice to see you. how's louise? who? your wife. oh. s-she's fine. yeah. i-i saw her at the office last week, and she looked just fine. you look fine, sam. i feel fine. you're probably wondering what this no. but i'd say you've over-fertilized your carpet. [ laughter ] what is it doing here? it's uncle arthur's new line. you're a tree salesman? no, i'm a fortune teller.

uh, larry, you don't want to miss your plane. nice to see you. and, uh... good luck. wait a minute! i'm not leaving till tomorrow. i know, i know. i just wanted to give you an excuse to get out of there. her uncle isn't entirely, uh...you know. i wondered about that. ready for this one, sammy? name of a famous resort. [ ding! ] [ chuckles ] you'll never get it. palm springs. oh. [ both laugh ] that tears it. either he goes or i do. oh, i don't want you to have any trouble on my account. can i help you pack? i just bombed out with larry -- and all because of him. how do you expect me to concentrate?

uncle arthur's feeling much better. well, better isn't good enough. is he well enough to travel? i am happy to report i feel as frisky as a -- as a colt. [ ding! ] good grief! swell. oh...uncle arthur... [ whinnies ] uncle arthur, come out of it. uncle arthur! [ ding! ] sammy, w-what happened? uh, well, l-l-let's just say you were horsing around. uh, t-that pill i think we should get dr. bombay back. i don't think i can go through that again. maybe i'll take an hour off and go out to the driving range. no, no, wait. don't leave on my account. you know, you're making me feel about as welcome as an indian at custer's last stand. [ ding! ] oh, no! that's a terrible tic he's got. uncle arthur! uncle arthur!

my name "sitting bull." i don't think he's coming out of this one so easily. i think i will i've got to h yeah, w-why don't you do that? there's nothing you can do here, anyway. i'll try and get all this straightened out before you get back. i'd appreciate it. but if you can't, i'll certainly understand. oh, thank you, sweetheart. and you can reach me at the regency hotel. [ door opens, slams ]

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i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e it's a mystery all is love is love ow! ooh ooh... [howling] announcer: for great play ideas, visit www.smallstep.gov. i wonder why dr. bombay hasn't answered any of my calls. want to know what i think? no! oh, f-f-forgive me, uncle arthur. it's just that every time you tell me what y you turn into something.

and if this is still going on, he has every right to scream. aah! uncle arthur? u-u-uncle arthur? [ ding! ] what happened? i don't know. i was just sitting here, feeling like the devil. oh, terrific! uncle arthur, we have to get your mind off yourself. it's obvious that dr. bombay is not gonna show until after that chess match. h-how about taking a little ride with me? you got a broomstick built for two? i mean in the car. as a matter of fact, i'll even teach you how to dr sammy, it so happens i know how to drive. and it wouldn't do you any harm to brush up on your driving, just in case. just in case what? well, suppose dr. bombay can't restore your powers and you're grounded?

sam, someone sold you a lemon. there's no clutch in this car. uncle arthur, what was the last car you drove? well, as i recall, it was a stutz bearcat. oh. well, cars have come a long way since then. everything's automatic now. you don't say? well, that should make it even easier. okay, turn the key on. put your foot on the gas. [ engine turns over ] there you go. now, to go forward, move the gearshift to "d." "d"? shouldn't it be "g" for "go"? i always thought it should be "f" for "forward." [ both laugh ] here we go. [ tires screech ] oh! put your foot on the brake! i don't see any "b"! [ tires screech ] stop, uncle arthur!

uncle arthur, why you told me it was all automatic. you told me you knew how to drive. so i'm a little rusty. a little?! oh, sammy. it's no use. i've just got to fly. it's in my blood. when i'm up there in that big blue yonder, i feel like superman. [ ding! ] oh, my stars! u-uncle arthur, get out of that thing before som faster than a speeding bullet. more powerful than a locomotive! able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!! uncle arthur, let's go back in the house. look! up in the sky! it's a bird! it's a plane! no, it's superman! up! up! and away! uncle arthur! come back!

the flying nun's not gonna be too happy about it, either! huh! aah! oh! oh! hi, spence. hello, mr. tate. may i have a bucket of balls, please? sure. your friend stephens is over there. oh, really? okay, let's hear it. [ chuckles nervously ] hi, larry. uh, hear what? i assume you wouldn't be out here wasting precious time if you didn't have a winner for top pop, so let's hear it. well, i did have a glimmer of an idea, and i thought the fresh air would --

with a glimmer in my pocket. okay. okay. i'm going back to work as soon as i finish that bucket of balls. i've got news for you. you just finished it. and to show you how dedicated i am, i'm going to escort you safely home. oh, uncle arthur, please! will you please come down from there? no! we've had quite a few calls. what's going on here? samantha: well, actually, officer, there's nothing wrong, nothing at all. there isn't? no.

[ tires screech ] well, h-how does he do that? well, uh, my husband can tell you more about that than i can. tell them, darrin. tell them about the wires. uh, the wires? oh, yes, the wires. it's all done with wires. well [clears throat] how come we don't see the wires? uh, the reason for that i-i-is because... darrin, don't say a word.

oh, yeah. thanks for reminding me. almost blew it. what is this all about? oh, i bet you can guess. y-yeah, take a guess. is it for one of our accounts? you guessed it. which one? which one do you think? wait a minute. i get it now. you sly devil, this is for the top pop account, isn't it? well... what a terrific idea -- using an established character with a presold audience. you see, darrin? larry likes it. like it? i love it! you do? yes. now tell me what it's all about. ah, yes. uh, well, now, uh, let me see, uh, how does that go again? uh, d-- d-- try top pop -- it's groovy, man. it's tasty, man it's super, man. "it's super, man"? hey, uh, t-t-t-that's catchy.

sensational. i knew somebody would come up with the right word. but you didn't have to go to all this trouble. you could have just told me about it. well, somehow or other, larry, when i have an idea on the drawing board, it's hard for you to see, so i thought i'd put it up there where you couldn't miss it. i'm sorry you had to come out for nothing. oh, forget it, lady [ laughs ] now, so long. [ laughs ] why, it's your uncle arthur! how did you do that? how do i do it? how do you think? i'm superman. [ laughs ] great sense of humor. darrin, you've done it again. oh, thanks. now, how did you do it?

i-i-i-it's a new it's a one-man jet pack. u-under the cape. no kidding? how come we didn't see any smoke? that's what's new about it. let me see it. please. one does not touch the person of superman. [ laughs ] he's a riot. well, speaking of riots,

sam, you've been waiting all afternoon. what makes you think that idiot bombay is gonna show up at all? [ ding! ] because in hundreds of years of rendering service to my patients, i have never failed to respond sooner or later. and it would have been sooner, except some wise guy passed a bottle of bourbon around to all my chess pieces.

i'll tell you what the problem is, you nincompoop. i refuse to listen unless i'm addressed by my proper title. okay. dr... nincompoop. uncle arthur, please. that pill you gave him had a terrible side effect. turned into all sorts of things, did he? yes. mm. that's the big drawback with those pills. this will cure the side effects. [ clears throat ] just pop one of these into your mouth. wait a minute -- ugh! [ gulps ] how do you feel? well, i, uh... i, uh... i feel like a newborn babe. you're cured! yes! w-what was in the pill? i haven't the foggiest notion. i buy them at the drugstore. goodbye, all.

i wish i'd voted for medicare. well, i'm glad to see you're back to normal. if you have to rush off, don't apologize. you mean you want me to vacate the premises? that's the general idea. my pleasure. [ ding! ] [ laughing ] i really crack you up, don't i? [ smooches ] ciao, baby. [ ding! ] sorry, sweetheart. i guess we spoiled the whole day for you. not the whole day. just the part between sunrise and sunset. then i'd say w to make the most of the evening. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com you mean you do not want me to go with you? well, that's the general idea, jeannie. look, i have a very important press conference, and...

why don't you go to d-diamond head or something, huh?