girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

how's it coming? oh, terrific, ma. oh, good. oh, mike, i don't like to give advice when i ain't asked. can i give you a piece of advice? oh, yeah, sure, ma. you're supposed to cook in the pot, not in the lid. no, ma, that's not a lid, it's a wok. the chinese cook in it, like we use a frying pan. oh, my!

don't you think michael's brave, though, cooking dinner all by himself? well, well, well, not so brave. i mean, after all, remember the old chinese proverb, "many men cook, but fu mein chu." i ain't never heard that before. and let's hope you never hear it again. come on, ma, let's set the table. oh, mike, are you sure you can manage by yourself? oh, sure, ma. there's no problem. as long as i remember the four basic rules that frank taught me: block, wok, hot, lot. block, wok, hot, lot? is that chinese? no, no, no, ma. it means chop on block, cook in wok, serve it hot, then pray a lot. well, just yell if you need anything. okay, ma, i will.

don't worry about dinner, ma. it'll be fine. oh, i ain't worried, gloria. i just feel guilty doing nothing while a man is cooking my dinner. i guess i just ain't used to a life of luxury. but michael's enjoying it, ma. it's not as if he was forced to do dinner every night the way you are. oh, i ain't forced to do it either, gloria. i do it because i want to. and if i don't, archie yells at me. where is daddy, anyway? i mean, he's awful late tonight. oh, he don't mind being late when he's driving mr. munson's cab. it means he's doing good and making more money. oh, 6:30, i bet he's doing real good! officer, i've been robbed! take it easy, mr. bunker.

oh, jeez. now, let me see if i've got this straight. the passenger got out of your cab, held you up and stole your wallet. i told you that three times. the guy lifted 50 bucks off me. can't we get some action on this? we're working on it, mr. bunker. i'm just taking your statement down here. sergeant roselli's gonna want to talk to you about it later. oh, roselli, huh? jeez, whatever happened to all the irish cops on the force? oh, let me tell you, them were the guys that knew how to handle crime on the streets. they was always out there busting heads. you like those old stereotypes, huh? best types of all. they didn't waste no time bringing the crinimals into court to be let go. they grab a guy, they tell him, "hey, don't do that no more!" then they crack him on the skull so he wouldn't forget. well, nowadays our methods aren't quite so sophisticated. that's what i'm saying!

my wife is gonna be expecting me. i think i'm gonna be late for dinner. i better call home, huh? uh, over there, mr. bunker. the payphone. i can't pay for a call. he took all my money, my last dime. according to my rights, i'm entitled to one free phone call. mr. bunker, that's for the accused. you're the victim! oh, yeah. [phone buzzes] sergeant blair. yeah. right away. follow me, mr. bunker. what happens now? you're gonna see detective sergeant roselli about your robbery. where? right in here. oh, no. no, no, no. i told you, the guy that robbed me, he wasn't no hippie. he was clean shaved, he was well dressed. he was a good-looking guy, not like this here. mr. bunker-- i'm out 50 bucks. can we get some action, sergeant?

you are? i'm sergeant roselli. here's mr. bunker's statement, tony. thanks. take this bum out and book him for grand larceny. this is a bum? yeah. oh! sergeant roselli. what are you, one of them mod squads? no, just a police officer, mr. bummer. uh, "ker." do you mind? bunker. i only thought because you was hiding behind all that hair that you was one of them undercover guys. no, i just happen to have long hair. oh. roselli.

look, i wear my hair long because i like it that way. does it bother you? no, no. i was just staring at it, that's all. let's talk about your crook's hair, mr. bunker. now, you say there in your statement that it was blond. how blond? oh, he was very blond, very bright. he was almost white. in fact, if you was to give this guy a nickname, it'd probably be, er, "whitey." did he brush his hair straight back? yeah, he brushed it straight-- how'd you know that? i'm a detective. mr. bunker, i think i know this guy, and there's a good chance that i'm gonna catch him. yeah, well, listen. before i go there, i just wanna remind you once more about the amount of money in the wallet there. it was exactly 50 bucks, you know? on the nose. yeah, i know. it's in your statement. yeah, i know it's in my statement, but i hear tell that sometimes when money changes hands in police stations, that it, uh...

that it gets lost. don't worry about that. you're in luck. see, it's the end of the month. i'm already over my graft quota. you see, if i stole any more, i'd be in a higher bracket. come on, are you telling--? mr. bunker, go home. all right. oh, archie, i'm so glad you ain't hurt! and i feel terrible because i wasn't even worried. i thought you was doing good. all right. and all the time you was being robbed. oh, but i'm fine. he could have killed you! look at me. am i killed? what are you talking about? these punk stick-up guys, they never kill a guy that knows how to handle himself. how do you handle yourself? give him the money before he kills you. daddy, how much did he get how much did he get? he got my whole wad, 50 bucks.

did he actually pull a gun on you? he didn't have to pull a gun. i could see the lump in his pocket. maybe he was doing like edward g. robinson used to do, just holding a pipe in his pocket and making believe. jeez, i wish i'd have thought of that, edith. i'd have said to the hold-up guy, "hey, you only got edgar g. robinson's pipe in your pocket." then he would have killed me right then. daddy, will you be able to identify the thief if they catch him? certainly i will, little girl. i'll remember that young punk kid the longest day i live. oh, archie, was he really young? yeah, he was young. and believe it or not, he was white. why shouldn't we believe that? you never pick up any black fares. ah, shut up. why don't you never pick up any black people, archie? you want me driving up there to harlem?

at the corner of 137th street and lenox avenue, what do you think would happen? maybe somebody would repair it for you. what? well, you're always... you're always saying that colored people are good fixing cars. ah, that's only when they're in white neighborhoods. archie, you are so full of-- michael! hey, hey, hey! what about your dinner? what was that? what was that? i'm full of what? full of what? hey! hey! the women cut you off, but you was gonna say something dirty in the living room there. because you were talking stupid. why do you always have to talk stupid? to make you understand! funny. let me ask you this, how come you're never on my side, even when a guy holds me up? archie, if they catch that boy, will you have to take off work and go to court for his trial? certainly i will. sure i will. i'll lose a day's pay, but it's worth it to see that piece of filth thrown into the jug.

you're talking about a human being. i'm talking about a creep. all right, i agree. he should be punished for what he did, but you don't go around calling people "pieces of filth." how about "piece of creep"? there you go, talking stupid again. there you go, understanding me again. what the hell are you slopping around with here in the pot? it's chinese food. it don't look like chinks to me. gloria & mike: chinese food! that's what i said, chinks, and that ain't it. yes, it is, daddy, and it's very good. michael made it. michael m-- are you letting the meathead cook my supper? oh, yeah! frank lorenzo taught him how to do it. then let him and frank lorenzo eat it. oh, archie, it looks so good and it smells-- it smells like fertilizer. and that's what you're full of! that's it! all right, you don't have to eat it. he's not eating the food! daddy, you could at least try it. what would you say if you cooked dinner

i'd say that the meathead probably got magnesia and forgot where his mouth was. oh, that's nice! [doorbell rings] you try to do something nice for somebody and look what happens, they throw it right back in your face. thank you very much! [blows raspberry] don't try-- michael, don't say anything. i worked hard on this, gloria. shut up over there and try to be delicate, will you? i'm at the door. mr. bunker? yeah? my name is morrison. i'd like to talk to you about your, um, unfortunate incident. my what? in your cab. oh, you must be another detective, huh? no, no. no, i'm a lawyer. oh, hold it. i don't need no lawyer. i already been robbed. mr. bunker, could we talk privately? i've got a proposition that could prove very beneficial to you. what's beneficial? money. i'll get my coat.

beneficial. on the porch. i wonder why a lawyer wants to see archie. [telephone rings] i think it's got something to do with the robbery. hello? oh, no, sergeant. my father just stepped out. can i take a message? he caught the man that robbed daddy! oh, could you hold on, because i'm sure he'll wanna hear this. i think i can get him, okay? hold on. daddy! daddy! what? it's sergeant roselli on the phone here. he caught the man who robbed you! oh, all right. tell him to hold the line there. the sergeant's on the phone. comemen in, mr. morrison. tell him to hold the line, little girl. gloria: hold on, he's coming to the phone. all right. come on, give me the phone! i'm giving you the phone! get out of here! [blows raspberry] yeah, archie bunker here, sergeant, yeah. yeah, my daughter just told me.

you want me to come down and identify the guy. well, i tell you, uh... i tell you, sergeant, i have just decided... not to press the charges. daddy! archie? shush! shush in front of the phone.

i don't believe it. i don't believe it! the police caught your robber, now you're dropping the charges? mr. bunker, i have to be going. i'll be right with you, mr. morrison. get lost, will you? arch, aren't you always saying we should help the police? i'm helping the police. i'm giving them one less case to worry about. yeah, you're giving the public one more to worry about. the point is that the boy is innocent. but, archie, you said he was a terrible crook with a gun. you said it was a pipe.

the more i think you're right there. i think it was something like that, a pipe. i think that he had me fooled there, the little devil. the little devil? you heard me! you make him sound like he was one of the our gang kids. oh, shut up. mr. morrison, i want to ask you something. now, wait a minute, mr. morrison. don't pay no attention to this college boy, huh? mr. morrison-- a, he's unemployed, and two, he don't work. mr. morrison, what did you and my father-in-law talk about on the porch? wait a minute! mr. morrison, you don't have to answer that. that's all right. young man, i'm a family friend of the unfortunate boy who's only guilty of an error in judgment. your father-in-law and i agreed we don't want to get the boy in trouble because of one little mistake. yeah. i decided to forgive the boy. five minutes ago, you were ready to hang him. don't talk to me. mr. morrison-- i'm glad your father-in-law changed his mind, because my client is a very honest young person. honest? how could he be honest? he robbed him! well, some people are honest underneath. that's right! and that's how it is

yeah, lots of people are like that. they're very good underneath. they're just a little rotten on top. well, andy has promised that he will never do anything like this again. wonderful. wonderful? what's wonderful about letting a robber off scot-free? young man, as a student, you should understand. if andy were prosecuted, he'd be expelled from college. that would be the end of his political career even before it's begun. what? mr. morrison... what kind of a politician is a guy gonna make when he starts out by robbing people? i know, the successful kind. mr. bunker, i'm sure tom farrell will want to thank you personally when he hears how fair you've been to his son. don't mention it there, mr. morrison. whoa, whoa. wait a second. wait a second. tom farrell, the city commissioner? and devoted father. oh, i get it. i get it. that's the political career you're really trying to protect, isn't it? oh, yeah, sure, i understand perfectly now.

once again, mr. morrison, good night and thank you very kindly. good night. yeah, good night, mr. morrison! you're incredible, arch. really incredible! oh, get away from me. five minutes ago you were ready for blood, and after two minutes with a smooth-talking lawyer, you're as gentle as a lamb. i told you, get away! yeah, daddy. how could you let him talk you into dropping those charges? he didn't talk me into nothing. this is what did the talking here. [laughs] one hundred bucks. archie, he gave you $100? that's right, edith. i knew it. i knew it. tom farrell paid you to keep quiet. what's the matter with that? ain't you ever heard "silence is gold"? archie, i don't think you should have taken that. why not? because you're breaking the law, arch. you accepted a bribe. i didn't accept no bribe! well, what's your word for it, "campaign contribution"? don't be stupid. i ain't running for nothing. i was just doing something to help a guy out.

archie: that's right, little girl. that's the american way. if a guy's down, you don't kick him, you help him up. then you scratch his back and he scratches yours. this is the scratch i just got. oh, don't be looking at me like a wounded sheep. i gotta go down to the police station to pick up the wallet. now, before i go, could i have a beer? all right, archie. daddy, what if the police find out that mr. farrell paid you? oh, i ain't splitting with them. let the cops make their own deal. oh, hello, bunker. oh, hiya, roselli, there. hey, why did you hang up on me like that? oh, well, because we had a visitor in the house, and there was a lot going on. look, roselli, i just come down to get my wallet, that's all. yeah, i know. how come you dropped the charges against andy farrell?

i don't wanna get an innocent kid in dutch. you know, i mean-- well, you don't go around throwing human beings into the jug. why? you afraid you'd give the kid a trauma? i don't want a trauma to go on his record. you know, it's a prank. after all, when i was a kid, you know what i used to do? i used to steal hunks of ice off of the ice wagon. you stole off a wagon? forty years ago! come on, there's a statue of libertations here. i'm talking about a prank like this kid was a prank. well, it just happens to be the third prank that andy farrell has pulled on cab drivers this year. oh, yeah? yeah, and the third time that the charge was suddenly dropped. oh. well, jeez, nobody told me that. well, that's too bad. you could have held out for more. oh, now, wait a minute there, roselli. don't be accusing me of taking a bribe. you know what they call that? definition of character. here's your wallet, mr. bunker.

yeah, well, i'll sign, but let me check it out first, huh? you know, i'm only sorry that we weren't able to get your money back too. i can see that! where's my 50 bucks? oh, didn't i tell you? andy farrell, the boy who robbed you-- oh, excuse me. the boy who pulled a prank on you said the wallet was empty when he found it. hold it. hold it, he said what? yeah, we thought it was strange too. especially since andy was carrying a roll of 50 bucks on him when we picked him up. sure he was! that was my 50! ain't that a coincidence! that's what i said to chuck here. i said, "chuck, i'll bet you that's mr. bunker's dough." you were right. then i said, "no, i must be wrong. "how could i suspect a sweet, innocent young boy, especially when nobody's pressing charges?" sign here, please. yeah, all right. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

okay. there's the signature. i gotta get back to my cab. oh, mr. bunker? yeah? was that your cab parked out at the curb, 742-ta? yeah, at the curb. why? you were parked in a no-standing zone. they just towed away your cab. they can't do that to me! i'm here on police business! i'm sorry, mr. bunker. you can reclaim it down at the pier. yeah, that's all right. you just tell them i sent you, and they'll give it back to you. they will? sure. for 50 bucks. fifty bucks? look at this, from my wallet, i'm out 50 bucks and 50 bucks for the cab? it cost me $100 to walk into this joint! a hundred and twenty-five. a hundred and twenty-five. a hundred and twenty-five? what for? twenty-five for the parking ticket you're gonna find on your windshield.

all right for youse guys. tell you something else, this here is highway robbery. no, mr. bunker,

["remembering you" playing] announcer: all in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience. boy, the way glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made

and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

[doorbell rings] now, whoever that is, i don't want somebody in here on my day off. oh, hi, irene! hi, edith! ooh, hello, archie. yeah, yeah, yeah. i bet that means, "who needs her around on my day off?" oh, archie didn't mean that, did you, archie? don't ever argue with a guest, edith. that was a shot, wasn't it, archie? yeah, that's right, irene. one of my saturday specials. listen, edith, as soon as frank gets ready, we're going to the museum of natural history. you wanna go with us? no. oh, i'd love to go. i ain't been there since the sixth grade. i'll go up and change. you sure you don't wanna come along, archie? ah, what for? go all the way into the city to see a bunch of dead bones standing around doing nothing.

don't you have any interest in learning about the past? certainly i have interest in learning about the past, like, for instance, right here i'm reading sports illustrated. why do you think i'm doing that? this is full of the past here. i'm looking over last year's batting averages, all the records of championship teams. all of that is what you call "histororical" matter. pretty good magazine. you oughta read it. only lately they've been giving over too many pages to women in sports. and why shouldn't they? because women ain't important in sports. what about all the women who won gold medals at the olympics? oh, don't talk about them, will you? i seen them dames on tv. they look more like a bunch of lumpy men. i thought they looked very attractive. ah, come on, will you, irene? even the judges couldn't figure them out. they had to give them...

they found out most of them had more hismones than hermones. that's like my saying that all men are idiots because one of them says so many stupid things. all i'm saying is that women shouldn't be messing around with men's sports, because a man could beat a woman any old time. you me like bobby riggs beat billie jean king? i don't even think of tennis as a man's sport. when i think of a man's sport, i think of a sport where you get some bones broke. like football. that's right. i think getting bones broke is stupid. hey, irene, ain't you got no love for your country? i must have missed something. i thought we were talking about football.

football is the only sport the commies ain't stolen from us. it's why you can travel all over the civilized world and you won't find an all-american any place but right here in the good old u.s. of a. tell me, archie. what manly games do you play? well, i used to play a little football. i played a lot of baseball. i still bowl in the men's league. i shoot pool. pool? that's right, pool. you any good at it? [laughs] i hold my own. do you think you could beat a woman? with one eye closed, one hand tied behind my back and a bad case of the flu. okay, i challenge you. you challenge me? you're crazy, irene. i'm serious. oh, come on, will you? anyway, a gentleman don't play pool with no woman. i got $10 says i can beat you. you're on!

on the situation, irene. just let me call up kelsey's bar and see if that pool table is free for a little action. oh, not right now. we're going to the museum in a few minutes. oh, come on. you said you'd play me for 10 bucks. don't be copping out now. nobody's copping out. we'll go to the museum later. yeah, all right. kelsey? yeah, archie bunker here. hey, is the table gonna be free down there? oh, it is. ah, great. i got a pigeon i gotta pluck for about 10 bucks. yeah, a lady pigeon. what you call a pigeoness. no, no. she challenged me. [laughs] kelsey's hysterical on the line here. no, no, no. you know her. frank lorenzo's wife, irene. oh, hold on. i'll ask her. kelsey wants to know if he can have $5 worth of the action. tell him i accept. hey, kelsey, you just won yourself five bucks. yeah, we'll be right down. come on, irene. let's go.

i just want to change my shoes. what, are you gonna play with your feet? well, i could. and i think i'd still beat you. oh, irene, i'm still waiting. aren't we going to the museum? later. i got a date to shoot pool for money. no kidding? who's the pigeon? minnesota fats over there. archie, are-- are you really gonna play irene? yeah. what are you laughing about? [laughs loudly] okay, come on. don't-- don't poke me, huh? yeah, i'm gonna play irene. it's gonna cost you a little dough. the 10 bucks she bet with me and five bucks with kelsey. ooh, is that all you're betting? she let you off easy. ah, get out of here. she don't stand a chance. archie, she's good. she even beats me. so what? you're only a cook. you wouldn't know a rack of balls from a bowl of zucchini. archie, she's played a lot of pool and beat a lot of people. yeah? well, i'll tell you something, frank.

and you ought to thank me for that because then you can start wearing them again. what's that supposed to mean? i only mean that she's a woman who spends all day at home banging nails into the walls and messing around with the plumbing and challenging me to shoot pool. she's more manly than womanly. you take that back, archie! because where i come from, if a man talks like that about another man's wife, he don't talk again for a long time! jeez, what are you gonna do, gag me with your apron? you-- you talk about irene behind her back, but i'm gonna say this to your face. if you have any doubts about my wife being a woman, it's because you're worried about yourself being a man. hey! you're talking to a veteran of wwii over here. i don't care who you are. take back what you said about my wife. all i'm saying is that your wife ain't satisfied with being a woman, she wants to be a man too. that's it! you insult me, you insult my family.

take this! malocchio! what the hell is that? a sicilian curse, the evil eye. malocchio, malocchio, malocchio! well, i'll just give you a new york curse, the waving fingers. what's going on? hey, hey, hey. you got any questions about me being a man, ask my witness, ask her. ask me what? oh, stay out of this. hello. i'm surprised at you, archie. you call yourself a man? a man? and that's the way you talk about your neighbor's wife? all right, frank, don't get excited! if it'll make you feel better, i'll admit it, irene is a-- a woman. all right! that's better. yeah.

i could've told you that. yeah, so could i. you're not very observant, arch. oh, get lost, will you? where is irene? we was going to the museum. she'll be right back. yeah, but before she goes to the museum, she's gonna shoot a game of pool with me for 10 bucks. ohh! i didn't know irene played pool. well, she says she does. but i'm gonna teach her a lesson. after this, she'll keep her big yap shut. malocchio! what, again? yes. the malocchio is on again. oh, gee. what's supposed to happen? i don't know, but something will. the malocchio works like a knuckleball. you never know what it's gonna do. voom! can you imagine this guy believing in that kinda superstitious bunk? sure, arch. a lot of people believe in magic spells. i mean, there's even magic in the bible.

you know nothing about the bible. the bible is full of miracles, no magic. god never fooled around with no magic. what about the story of sodom and gomorrah? i mean, didn't god turn lot's wife into a pillar of salt? that's right, because when she was running away from them two dirty cities, she stopped to take a look at her behind. okay, i'm ready. let's go, come on. okay, let's go. let's go. oh, edith, about the museum-- oh, yeah, i've heard. you and archie are gonna play pool. i'll go along and watch. are you ready, archie? hey, hey, hey. ah, what's this? irene, i didn't know you played the clarinet. edith, that ain't the clarinet.

see that? you put them two together. i didn't know you had a private pool cue, irene. sure. don't you? no. i remember, i saw paul newman carry one of them in the rustler. no, no. that was called the hustler. hey, arch, i'll bet you a buck she can take you. save your money. just because her old man can afford to buy her a private pool cue don't mean she's no pool shark. he didn't buy it for me. i won it. huh? yeah. look at that plaque. "to irene lorenzo, first prize, hudson billiard academy." archie, you wanna make that two bucks? get outta here! you're gonna lose. okay, let's shoot pool. let's go. come on, let's go. come on, archie. yeah, all right, all right, yeah. go ahead. yeah, go ahead, all of you. i've just gotta get my hat here.

[screams] archie, what's the matter? oh! oh! somebody better pick up my hat for me. what's wrong? i can't bend over. archie, it's your back again. the back is out. the curse is on.

i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e it's a mystery all is love is love ow! ooh ooh... [howling]

i just can't get it through my head, ma. daddy actually claims that his back hurts because he was cursed? yeah. by the evil eye. yeah, it's more like an evil cue stick. i heard that, meathead. and let me tell you something, i got a real pain here in my back. now don't give me another one where i sit. easy. easy, edith. easy, now. don't hurt me. you're hurting me! i said, "don't hurt me!" daddy, if the pain is that bad,

oh, a doctor ain't gonna do me no good. well, how do you know that, archie? he would examine you and take x-rays. edith, the curse don't show up on an x-ray. arch, you're not cursed. you're just faking it. i ain't faking it. this is a real pain here. nn-nn! can't you hear that? maybe the pain is, um-- oh, are you thinking it's psychosomatic? yeah. it's all up here. oh, cut it out. i ain't got nothing up here. it's all down here. i can't argue with that. who asked you? daddy, why don't you just admit you're afraid of losing a game to a woman? why is my daughter always against me? daddy, i'm not against you. i'm trying to show that you don't have a curse on you. how do you know what i got on me?

how do you know that? what? that's right. you were out walking around on the sidewalks yesterday. maybe you were stepping on all the cracks. oh, no, archie. that's, "step on a crack, break your mother's back." that's for sons. for sons. daughters want to break their father's back. arch, that's crazy. how long have you been believing in curses? how long you been living here? i know a very good cure for your back, archie. holy jesus. but the butcher's shop is closed today. what? if it was open, i'd go right down there and get some brown paper. yeah, my mother used to do that when my father's lumbago started acting up.

and put it on his back and then run an iron over it. she'd put it at the cotton setting. the linen setting was too hot and made him holler. i think your mother must have inherited her brains from you. [doorbell rings] oh, there's someone at the door. "someone at the door." it's the first thing she's said today that makes sense. oh, hi, frank. come in. hi, mr. lorenzo. hey, frank. how you doing? good morning, everybody. good morning. oh, jeez. here he is. the duke of lasagna. what do you want? well, it's such a nice day, i thought we'd all take a nice walk down to kelsey's and watch you and irene shoot a little pool. how am i gonna shoot pool? i'm in pain here. my back don't work. yeah, but the hands look like they're doing a good job there. dry up there, will you? what i mean is, how am i gonna shoot pool

maybe they could raise the table. don't help me, will you? just look at me here, frank, in pain. my back is on your head. what? that's right, because you put the whammy on the back. look at me. i can hardly move. i can't sit in my own soft chair. i gotta sit in edith's lousy chair. [groans] arch, maybe if you're real nice to frank, he'll take the evil eye off you. i can't do that. i never learnt that part. i only know how to give it. but i do know someone who can take the curse off. well, it don't make no difference, frank. the pool match is off, and that's that. hello, operator. long-distance, please. who you calling long-distance? my uncle in sicily. hey, get off the phone! get off the phone! oh, archie. come on, will you? there's no evil eye. i'm only kidding. yeah, well, i ain't. i can't play the pool match. that's all there is to it. well, then, you forfeit the game and you owe irene 10 bucks.

if anybody owes anybody anything, irene owes me, because you're the guy that put the whammy on my back. oh, all right. all right. i'll go home and tell irene that the game is off. but first i'm gonna stop off at kelsey's and i'm gonna make a big announcement to tell everybody that archie bunker's not showing up because somebody put a curse on him. then, after they all stop laughing, i'll tell them the truth. that you are afraid to play a woman. wait a minute there. wait a minute there, frank. hold it. hold it. okay. you're gonna get your way. i'm gonna play the match. i'll be in kelsey's in an hour. and you bring irene there on time. bravo! bravissimo! did you hear that? he laid another curse on me. [cash register rings] hi there, kelsey. how are you? hey. hiya, arch. you're a little early.

yeah, i thought i'd come down and kind of loosen up, you know? hello, bunker. oh, hi there, jefferson. i didn't know george jefferson come in here. oh, yeah. he's been coming in regularly. hey, bunker. i wanna talk to you. yeah, go ahead, jefferson. i heard about your pool match. i wanna get some of the action. well, frank lorenzo will be here any minute. he'll cover your bet if you wanna bet on me. i don't wanna bet on you. i wanna win. hey, jefferson, don't you think arch can take her? no! talk's all over the neighborhood. lorenzo put the sicilian hex on him. sicilian hex? oh, come on. come on. what's this all about? that's right. that's right. frank lorenzo put the sicilian evil eye on me so his wife irene would beat me. the evil eye. that's some mighty heavy stuff. [kelsey laughs] that's crazy! archie: what are you laughing about? you never heard of the hex before? these people know a lot about that voodoo-de-o-doo-doo.

oh, yeah. we famous for that in my family. goes all the way back to my great-great-great-granddaddy, mumbulu. mumbulu! pfft! what was his first name? george. kelsey: hey, arch, your table's open now. so look, bunker. i don't have time to stay around for the match. look, do you want a bet? i got 20 bucks says irene lorenzo beats you. you got 20 bucks that says that that dame beats me? that's right. well, i'll tell you what i'm gonna do with you, jefferson. i'm gonna take a dollar of that. now, let's see you sharpen up the old eye here. pull up this one up there. [sighs] holy cow. i missed an easy shot like that. [groans] oh, jeez. kelsey: he's right in there, mrs. lorenzo.

look at him. he can't wait to get started. neither can i. what do you mean i can't wait? i ain't in no condition to shoot a pool match here. i can hardly bend over. rack 'em up, archie. why are you asking me to rack up, irene, the way i am? why don't you ask frank to do that? all right, all right, i'll rack 'em up. okay, i'll shoot you for the break. okay. go ahead. there's your cue ball. no, no. gentlemen first. okay. all right, the nearest to the back cushion with the cue ball don't have to break, right? okay. all right. are you ready down there, frank? shoot! let me see if i can do this. i don't know if i can get over there. oh, jeez, it's going through me like a knife. [groans] oh, look at that! miscued! i ain't done a thing like that in 20 years. now you see the kind of competition you're gonna have today. i can't do it, frank. i can't take advantage of a sick man. oh, come on, irene. after what he said about you, he deserves it.

[groans weakly] i just can't do it. you gotta play him. besides, i think he's faking. i ain't faking, frank, and she don't gotta do nothing. you don't gotta play me, irene. you can wait two, three weeks. my back will be better then. i'll play you a fair game. i'll still take your $10 off you. bless you, archie. you're one of a kind. and thank god for that. come on, irene. let's go. i'll buy you a drink. and i'll buy you one too, archie. all right, frank. don't mind if i do. [groans] oh, uh, archie, is that your dollar? yeah, that's mine. he can bend! he can bend! i told you he was faking! okay, archie.

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