[ music ] >> here's johnny! [ applause ] >> thank you. thank you. no. thank you. thank you very much. how nice of you. that's very nice. come on. simmer down. that's very nice of ya. you have excellent taste. [ laughter ] umm, i'm johnny carson, a malibu resident of

homeless compound. [ laughter ] uh, for those of you who don't know what i'm talking about, let me explain what happened. martin sheen, a fine actor-- i don't know martin at all-- was made an honorary mayor of malibu, california. just a strictly honorary title. his first pronouncement was he declared malibu a nuclear-free zone and sanctuary for aliens and the homeless and wildlife, wild or tame. [ laughter ] well, i live in malibu. and malibu is for the homeless. i'll tell ya, i didn't have a home when i had to move there. [ laughter ] mayor of malibu, huh? i guess the job didn't have enough stature to land sonny bono. [ laughter ] now i don't really know what sheen had in mind about that, but they're a little out of touch in malibu. their idea of the homeless is, in malibu, uh, is when

while you're renting out your bel air house. [ laughter ] they're homeless. [ laughter ] but they, uh-- malibu opened their hearts today to the homeless. barbra streisand lives in malibu. offered to pay their valet parking at la scala malibu. [ laughter ] which i thought was very nice. but every malibu citizen-- [ laughter ] uh, actor larry hagman actually turned his electric fence down to simmer today. [ laughter ] and later this week, martin's setting up a tent city under larry hagman's hat. [ laughter ] just for the homeless. enough home-- enough homeless jokes? i have one more. [ laughter ] no. but i shouldn't-- i-- it's a problem, but i don't know what he had in mind. uh, where would the homeless go in malibu? but the malibu citizens are opening up their hearts to the poor. they just opened today a gazpacho kitchen and

[ laughter ] how did-- no. no, no. no, no. don't disappoint me and change the rhythm. [ laughter ] how did he ever get to be mayor of malibu? i did-- i didn't get to vote. i'm gonna send in jimmy carter to recount the ballots. [ laughter ] well, let's see what else is happening today. don't you look jazzy? purple. >> check the back. [ cheering ] >> what-what-what is that on the back? is that some kind-- symbolic, uh-- >> i have no-- it's a work of art. >> well, la-di-da. [ laughter ] well, on television, nbc folks have-- bad news-- canceled the show "nightingales". [ groaning ] yeah. i don't know if you ever saw that show. i liked one of the quotes. some actor said, "well, it was a shame because i really never had the chance to explore

[ laughter ] that's funny. everybody else on that show explored your character. [ laughter ] however, lest you think there's not some good news, a new program is in development called "einstein's angels". it's about four women physicists, uh, whose tabletop fusion experiment gives off so much heat that they have to work in their underwear. [ laughter ] you know, there was almost a joke there. [ laughter ] the fox television network, which is the new network, is trying to announce a new drama session called "alien nation." the premise is interesting. it's about a family from another planet trying to adjust to life in los angeles, but they're missing the real dramatic possibilities. which would be the life of a family living here on earth trying to adjust to living in los angeles. [ laughter ] [ applause ]

i hope all of you got your cards in the mail earlier today, because today is the ayatollah khamenei's 89th birthday. ah. i heard that his family bought him a big cake and that they all got together and sat around and sang, "for he's a jolly good lunatic." [ laughter ] [ applause ] uh, you know what sweep weeks are on television? >> yes. >> it's when they take the ratings. obviously, it was last night, because i watched the show last night. a television movie about a guy stranded on a desert island with-- how many of you saw it? with raquel welch. [ sighing ] and not once did he ask for bayer aspirin. [ laughter ] how many of you saw that show? really? i'm interested. [ applause ] was that a turkey? she makes vanna white

[ laughter ] oh. oh, boy. i wanna tell ya what a stinkeroo i'm in. [ laughs ] i-i mean-- jake, how are you? i mean-- oh, wow. the lines. anyway, we can get into that later. can you imagine being stranded on a desert island with raquel welch? >> yeah. >> everything was going well for this guy till surgeon general coop was washed ashore. and then-- [ laughter ] ah, worst thing i've ever seen. next to brigitte nielsen playing that lady in the spacesuit in a thing called "murder on the moon". [ laughter ] boy, what-- what depth of emotion. vanna ought to get together with raquel and brigitte and do the bronte sisters. i mean, that would really-- [ laughter ] [ applause ] well, we should get that entertainment patrol going again. [ laughter ] we had an entertainment patrol. we had badges. you know, where you go on--

like that, you arrest them, and they're never allowed to work in the entertainment business again. [ laughter ] entertainment patrol. come here, raquel. [ applause ] i'm getting steam, and i don't know why. anyway. [ laughter ] gorbachev is in china. have you seen that? >> yeah. >> and he's trying to sell the chinese some russian high-tech products, but the chinese said they had no use for a stealth ox cart. [ laughter ] and then gorbachev tried to sell them some other high-tech products like a-- i didn't know they had this in russia. a 14 day programmable toaster. [ laughter ] you can actually program it two weeks ahead and the toast comes up. [ laughter ] uh, what else is happening? how many of you own a fax machine? got a fax machine? [ applause ] apparently people are having trouble because they are now getting junk mail. unsolicited stuff on their fax machine which uses up your paper, right?

the frightening possibilities. knowing that ed has your number. [ applause ] or a jehovah's witness and you get a fax to all the-- [ laughter ] anyway, tonight, mr. patrick swayze is with us. [ cheering ] yeah! well, we-- we're gonna be, uh-- we'll just be talking. hunk to hunk. [ laughter ] [ applause ] there was a scene in this thing last night where raquel went swimming. took of her dress and left it, you know, on the-- by the side of the lake. and i said, "i'll betcha somebody steals that dress while she's in the water." the dog comes out and steals the dress. [ laughter ] "i'm naked." garry shandling is here tonight.

[ applause ] stay where you are. we'll be right back.

[ music ] [ applause ] [ music ] hello there. we're back.

thank you. >> they had one scene in this movie and it was some-- i don't know. i shouldn't pick on raquel. it wasn't her fault. >> why do you watch those movies? >> it's like watching-- why do people watch train accidents? [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> why do people slow down when they're driving along the freeway and they see an accident? >> they see an accident. yup. >> morbid curiosity. >> yup. >> you slow down. >> yeah. >> and this would slow you down. [ laughter ] you'd say, "i can't believe that." anyway, umm-- >> what happened after the dog took her dress? >> let me tell ya, this was hysterical. [ laughter ] the dog took her dress. >> right. >> she has to go back to the campfire where this guy is sitting. fortunately, she found on the beach a packing crate. square packing crate. but the packing crate was constructed of boards. they were about 3 of an inch apart, right? >> yeah. >> so she picks up the packing case and you can see through to here. >> right. >> and see through here and you can see through there.

>> yeah. >> just enough. >> yeah. >> and she has this packing crate. >> that's wonderful. yeah. [ laughter ] >> it was-- >> and you watched the whole movie? >> yeah. [ laughter ] it was-- anyway. let's see what we got here. doc severinsen is hosting the hennessy jazz search finals tonight at the palace. the winners will appear at the playboy jazz festival. well, since we record earlier and this show is seen in-- when it's seen right now, which is not right now, but it is now in your home. [ laughter ] you've already done this, right? >> not necessarily. [ laughter ] you have-- in the time element that i'm talking to the folks at home, you've already posted this. >> who won? >> how was it? [ laughter ] >> it was great! >> good. all right. >> actually, we're going to stall tonight. >> he's gonna what? >> stall. >> we're going to stall till after the announcement is made

do the program down there. [ laughter ] >> okay. the-- let's get to our piece of material, as we call it in the meeting. [ laughter ] five spot. >> five spot. >> let's see. do you know what the 1990 federal budget for this country is? for the united states government? $1.2 trillion. now when you hear million, you can kind of equate to that. >> yeah. >> that's, uh-- that's a thousand million, right? yeah. a billion's a thou-- and a billion is-- >> a billion is. >> a billion's a thousand million. a million's, of course, ten-- uh, one hundred thousand. [ laughter ] well, a billion people can't comprehend. let me give you some idea what a trillion is. the average life span for a man living in this country is only 38 million minutes. thirty-eight million minutes. a billion-- it takes a light-- it takes light an hour and a half to travel

186,000 miles a second. isn't this fascinating? [ laughter ] boy, i'm glad i'm here tonight. [ laughter ] i coulda watched another show, but i'm learning what a trillion is. there are only 171 trillion square yards of land on earth. a trillion is 15 times the total number of human beings ever born. the sun is only 5.9 trillion inches away from earth. give us more. [ laughter ] give us more. now these are-- these are good examples, but they're rather scientific. they lack a-- a human dimension, right? most people-- you can't quite, uh, equate with what a billion or a trillion is. so we've come up with something-- if you have anything to do, go ahead. [ laughter ] i'm-- just don't let me keep you. [ laughter ] >> uh-huh. >> we've come up with some examples the average man can really relate to. that's the word i want. >> in other words, these are the snappers.

>> all right. for example, it took a trillion weeks for a single celled protozoan slime to evolve into human beings, but it only took three weeks to evolve into lawyers. [ laughter ] [ applause ] if you had a trillion rolls of twin-ply toilet paper in your apartment, you'd be the most popular man in all of russia. [ laughter ] a trillion is the number of times a day that a goofy kid in a paper hat says, "you want fries with that?" [ laughter ] the old clock on the wall has stopped. the clock stopped. can you tell that? 'cause i'm reading this. the clock just stopped. actually, there is no such thing as time, you know. time in and of itself is said to not exist. >> oh, really? >> that's right. so this is really taking no time at all. [ laughter ]

it's a mathematical concept. >> yes. >> there's a-- >> can laughs be time? >> hmm? >> can laughs be time? >> not tonight. >> not tonight. [ laughter ] >> there is enough chicken in a trillion mcnuggets to reconstruct four chickens. [ applause ] if you stood in the same spot for a trillion seconds, they'd build a dmv around you. [ laughter ] i did that one. if a man had a-- this is interesting. if a man had a trillion pennies and he wanted half of them changed into hundred dollar bills, he'd be standing in front of you at the bank on a friday. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the odds are one in a trillion the united states postal service

tammy bakker commemorative. [ laughter ] interesting, right? if you lock 20 impressionists in a room-- >> right. >> twenty impressionists. it would be one trillionth of a second before someone uttered the phrase, "you dirty rat." [ laughter ] >> a trillion witnesses is exactly one trillion more witnesses than morton downey jr. has. [ laughter ] >> fred liked that one. >> thank you, fred. well, he seems to be a cult of one. [ laughter ] a trillion hours is how long it would take mel tillis to phone in the alarm if a fire broke out at peter piper's pickled pepper packing plant. [ applause ] let's see. you'd have to lick the bumper of a 1957 chevy for one trillion days to get a chrome fur ball. [ laughter ]

yes. if you'da made-- made a martini that's one ounce of vermouth and a trillion ounces of gin, ed would want another one in about two minutes. that's really true. [ applause ] raquel rubbed off on me. shouldn't have watched that movie last night. it rubbed off on me. the tonight show will return

[ cheering ] [ music ] [ cheering ] show business, our choice. our choice. haven't seen garry shandling for a while. i miss having him come around here. he's a very funny guy and, as you know, he's the star of his own syndicated series called "the garry sandly--" garry sandling or shandling. garry changed his name when he went to fox, didn't he? from shandling to sandling. a little known fact. would you welcome garry shandling.

[ applause ] >> mispronounced your name. garry sandling. >> well, don't worry about it, mr. larson. >> yeah, that's right. >> he, uh-- it's been mispronounced about-- oh, one trillion times. [ laughter ] >> one trillion times? i'll give you that piece of material in case you have to-- need to fill in some night, you know? just when you're a little short. >> i'll take that piece of material, please. [ laughter ] i know you're trying to dump a sucker on me. >> that's right. >> and i'll take that thing right now. >> how ya been? it's been a long time since you've been here. >> well, i miss not being here more. i've been, uh, real busy. i finished doing my show, umm-- our show's on hiatus as of like a month ago. >> yeah. >> so we stopped doing it because the batteries went dead. and, umm, our son runs partly on d cells. >> low budget, yeah. >> yeah. so umm-- >> i catch ya. you're-you're-- it's a very funny show. >> oh. >> i know you have a lot to do with the writing and so forth. >> thanks. thanks. it's really hard work. and someone asked me

really looks like my house. which it does, although i only have two cameras at my home. but-- [ laughter ] you know, i-i-i actually missed your monologue. i-i came in late and i always stand right over there where i can see it. >> and i missed it, and i was thinking-- when i grew up in tucson, arizona. this is absolutely true. when i was growing up and in high school and whatnot, we only got the last 45 minutes of "the tonight show" because the way, i guess, it was >> could be. >> and that's when the show was 90 minutes. and i never knew you did a monologue until i was like 20 years old. i just figured you started doing stand-up when you were 50. i had no clue. [ laughter ] you know, when i was 20, i figured, "well, there's hope for me. i guess i can still take a shot at it." >> you can sit and talk without doing anything. >> so i've just been, uh, taking a lot of time off and, uh, i went to washington, uh-- >> now you gotta tell me this story. i've heard a little bit about it and i said, "don't tell me any more." 'cause it's-- it's rather bizarre. >> it's really one of the most phenomenal-- >> i'm-- mr. de cordova is holding up his hand. >> why don't we do this? >> so we don't-- 'cause we don't wanna interrupt the flow of this, is that what you're saying? >> here come

a trillion commercials. which, if laid end to end, and they should be... [ laughter ] or whatever. uh, so we'll do this, then we'll come back. 'cause this is this story-- in washington.

[ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] >> what a night. now tell them-- now do the scenario of you in washington. >> so this is-- everything i'm about to say is totally true. i went to washington about two weeks ago. someone at "the washington post" called me and said, "hey, would you like to go to this correspondents' dinner?" which i guess they have once a year and all the journalists in washington go and go to this banquet. there's about three thousand people. and at this banquet, president bush comes and does like ten minutes of jokes. >> right. >> so, you know, you may want to take a look at them for the show here. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> so-- so he says-- so i-- he's-- this guy at the washington post says, "if you'd like to come and kind of get a feel of what washington

here and we're just inviting you to come to this banquet." so i said, "sure." and i-- and i flew in and he's-- and i said, "can i get a tour of the white house?" which they have tours there and anybody can really go. it's much like graceland. and so-- [ laughter ] i go to-- i-- so he says, "we'll arrange a tour for you at the white house." so this is absolutely true. so now i go to the white house. it's saturday morning. i'm in line at the white house. the tour line. i'm in the liberal line. [ laughter ] and, umm-- which is the line that has to pay to get into the white house. >> true. >> it-it-it was the shortest line. so i got right in. so i'm now taking a tour of the white house. and it's great. there's a secret service man showing us, uh-- i was with my girlfriend. i have a girlfriend now, which, uh-- yeah. there's usually-- [ applause ] >> come on. >> well, there's usually a smattering of applause, much like when they caught the nightstalker. you know, people are going, "thank goodness he's off the streets so-- for a while." [ laughter ] so-so-so we're in line. so now-- so now we're looking at the, umm--

and we're looking around 'cause the president isn't there. and then the secret service man says, "you know, the president is on his way down, and if you stand against the wall in the hallway, you may get a glimpse of him as he's walking in." so i said, "well, this'll be great." so we stand against the wall and we're watching, you know. and sure enough, the president walks in with mrs. bush and, uh, the dog, who i think has something to do with running the country, quite frankly. and- 'cause the dog goes everywhere with the president. and there's the president and-- [ laughs ] i'm standing there, and he just sees me. and he walks up to me, and he says, "garry!" [ laughter ] and, you know, right away i'm thinking, "who did i vote for? who did i vote for?" [ laughter ] "who'd i vote for? lie! lie! do whatever you have to do." so he says, "garry, i've seen the show. i'm a fan. you're on like a--" he says, "you're on like an entertainment network or something, aren't you?" and i said, "well, yes. yes, sir. they try and keep the public from me." and, uh-- [ laughter ] and i said, "yes, mr. president." i actually said,

and i had never in my life said "mr." followed by another non-specific title in my life. [ laughter ] it was a-- i was lucky i didn't lose it altogether and just call him mr. belvedere. you know. [ laughter ] so-so, um-- so i'm standing and i'm talking to the president of the united states. and he says, "so-so, uh, what are ya doin' in town?" i said, "well, i'm here to go to the correspondents' dinner tonight." and he says, "well, i'm going to that. we should do something together." [ laughter ] >> seriously? he's for real? for real now? >> i said-- absolutely. i said, "say what?" [ laughter ] he says, "no. they want me to do ten minutes of comedy. this way we can divide it up. i can do five and you can do five." i go, "oh, no no no. no, sir. i can't--" you know what i mean? i got very nervous. i said, "no, no, no. i can't do that." i thought he was just joking anyway, 'cause i'd really never taken him seriously before. [ laughter ]

he said-- so, uh-- so he says, "where you stayin'?" i'm talking-- i go, "well, i'm--" i mentioned the hotel. now, as i say the hotel, suddenly all the secret servicemen pull memo pads out of their pockets. "uh-huh. uh-huh." and he says, "well, i'll give ya a call." i said, "right." [ laughter ] he says, "it's been nice talking to ya and i'll call you later and we'll discuss this." and i said, "well, uh, thank you, mr. president. it's a pleasure meeting you. thank you for your time." and then i turned and picked my girlfriend up off the floor. [ laughter ] now we go back to the hotel, you know. and i've just met the president and had this wonderful tour of the white house. saw everything. the tour itself was great. i got to see the bowling lane. there's actually-- well, there's one bowling lane. so it's pretty much, you know, hell on league nights. but, uh-- [ laughter ] so, uh-- [ applause ]

so now we go back to have lunch at the hotel and the following argument ensues at lunch in the coffee shop of our hotel. i'm saying, "the president is not gonna call." i have a feeling "no. he's-- the president's not gonna call." now, you know, the people at the other table are going, "look at these two morons wondering if the president's going to call." [ laughter ] and, sure enough, the white house has called. all right? are you okay with this so far? i can go really fast and just say, "goodnight." you let me know. [ laughter ] so, you know, our mind is blown as it is. you know, what started out as a tour is turning basically into a twilight zone episode, so now i get this message to call the white house. so i call the white house and speak to the president's aide. right? and, uh, he says, "hi, garry." he says, "the president's all excited about this thing." [ laughs ]

"you're not spiking the president's punch, are ya?" [ laughter ] and he says, "no, sir. i'm not." so, you know, this guy was a riot. so-- >> no sense of humor. >> oh. you know. so, uh-- so he says, "now, the president has this great idea." you know. he says, "you know, about three weeks ago, the president pulled some tourists out of line and introduced them to the puppies." it was some people from maine who were just visiting. so he said, "the president has this great idea. he'll pull-- he'll just come up and say he pulled you out of the line. pulled out some average, normal american citizen out of line just to see what they have to say about the presidency. and it'll be a surprise to everyone." i said, "this is how he found dan quail, isn't it?" [ laughter ] he says-- so-- [ applause ] now this is absolutely all true. this is all true. i actually said this. and, you know, i was jotting everything down as i was saying it, 'cause i figured, "hey, maybe i can make