appearing on tonight's show - right this way, swabby, to sick call. - ok, ok, gents, it's 2 minutes before the first race. the track is crowded and the morning line on number 3 is now 6 to 5. - remember, guys, this is the first race on the daily double so, hurry, hurry, hurry. - i got to hand it to you, grube. turning sick call into a race meeting was a stroke of pure genius. - if this keeps up, we'll have to get them to build a larger hospital. all right, everybody, all bets down. it is now post time, ready in the starting gate? - all right, ready? get set, go. - and they're off and wheeling at sick call. number 6 takes the lead but here comes number 4 making the charge good on the outside. number 3 is in the brake. they roll the quarter. the quarter is 32 and--

[telephone ringing] - your phone, sir. - i know what it is. answer it. - yes, sir. [telephone ringing] captain binghamton's office. who? the fleet medical officer? yes, sir. sir, it's admiral harris. and he sounds very angry. - well, give me that. - here, sir. - stay away from that board while i'm on the phone.

sit down. cheaters never prosper. hello, doctor, i mean admiral. it's captain binghamton. - what kind of a pest hole are you running? according to reports here, your sick bay call has increased 400% in the last 5 weeks. - well, i had no idea that the--, i, i mean, there must be some mistake. - oh, captain, if all those men on sick call are perfectly healthy, the navy has a nasty name for that. malingering. - malingering? why, they wouldn't dare on my base. - i'm flying up to make a personal inspection of your medical facilities tomorrow. and if you haven't got that situation remedied by then, you're liable to wind up on sick call, as a seaman second class. - well, now that that's over with, sir, can we finish our game? - i'll finish you. you goof off. - what? - my whole command is riddled with gold bricks and deadbeats.

i have the navy coming, too. and what is it with all this malingering? what is going on over at sick call? what, what, what? - all right, men, it's post time again. second race is at the corridor and 3 quarters, for 22-year olds. - you were showing me how to massage a charlie horse in the arm. oh, hi, skip. - hi, skip, yourself. where is everybody? - we've been looking all over for you guys. don't you know we got a weapons check down at ordinance? - well, i was just, just-- - hey, wow. - oh, yeah, where is everybody? come on, talk. - oh, skip, look, i'll get--i'll get all the guys down to the dock as soon as they're off sick call. - sick call? again? they were healthy enough this morning. - now, wait a minute, skip. don't go in there. it's depressing and the whole place is full of sick people. sick. - get out of the way. - chairs are in the starting gate. the flag is up. - oh, hi, skip. - all right, hold it. hold it. aha, so, this is sick call, huh? - we were only trying to amuse the shut ins.

at the walls all day. - yeah, well, you touts better get used to looking at walls. 4 of them, in the brig. - skip, no one's going to know. we board off the corpsman in charge of the wing. and the nurse outside is too busy making eyes at virg. - yeah? well, let me tell you, if binghamton ever finds out about this, he's going to lock you up and throw away the key. - hey, skip, it's old lead bottom under a full head of steam. - quick, come on. get in those chairs. get off your feet. look sick. - attention. [all talking at once] - ah, good morning, captain. - what is that all about? what, what, what, what is this? - whatever brings you here, sir? - i'm back. - who cares if you're back. stop driving through the cross walk when there's pedestrians in it. never mind what i'm doing here. the question is, what are all these pirates doing here? - [groaning] - they're terribly sick, sir. yes, sir, they're real sick.

- oh, yeah, that's right, captain. uh, see? - how dare you stick your tongue out at your superior officer. you put that thing away. now get out of that thing. you're a menace. - no, no, no, i wouldn't go any closer, sir. they may be contagious. - i'm dying. i'm dying. - oh, my eyes are killing me. i keep seeing spots. - oh, shut up. the only spots you've ever seen are the spots on a pair of crooked dice. i want all you gold bricks and you fakers out of here this second. and if i catch you within 5 minutes of this place, i'll-- - i'll-- - watch your temper, sir. it's bad for your blood pressure. you know that. - oh, i'll blood pressure you. ow! - have a seat, sir. i'll call a nurse. - ohh! - oh, don't you-- - oh! - uh! - please, captain, the doc said i was to have absolute quiet. - oh, sorry. - and i'm telling you, any more lame brain stunts like that, i'm going to lower the boom. - oh, have no fear, skip.

cross our wallets and hope to die broke. - yeah. - ohh, ohh. - what was that? - it sounds like fuji groaning. - yeah, i recognize the accent. - come on. - ohh, ohh. - hey, fuj, what's the matter? - what is it? what happened? - i'm hurting. got horrible toothache. - hey, yeah, that is pretty swollen. - yeah, it looks awful. - does anybody know what to do for a sore tooth? - well, when i was a little kid and had a toothache, my mother used to make me put on my little sister's shoes. - well, what good did that do? - well, my feet hurt so much, i'd forget about my tooth. - all right, all right, knock it off, will ya? fuji needs help, not talk. samurai, that tooth is going to have to come out. - you mean pull it? - uh-huh. - send my mail to okinawa. - come on, fuj, be reasonable, boy. the sooner it's out, the better. boys, get some string. - oh, no, no, never mind. never mind. parkerson, maybe you better send for little sister's shoes. - ok, fuj, but she's a big girl now. it might be kind of tricky with those high heels. - come on. somebody, the string, will ya?

- ok, all right, fuj, now the string is all tied. are you all set? yeah. here we go. - all right, 1, 2, 3, go. - all right, now hang on to him, you guys. and don't worry, fuj, with all this horsepower, something's got to give. you ready? here we go. go ahead, baby. - i could just scream. - [screaming] - ok, fuj, ok, relax. relax, boy. - if only we could get him to a dentist. - hey, skip, i got it. that free dentist comes over to taratupa every second

- oh, great. we take him over main side, somebody sees him, they shoot him right on the spot. - well, that's one way to get rid of a toothache. sorry, fuj. - hold it, boys. hold it. something's starting to come in. - what? - well, now look. why couldn't it be that one of us can't fake a toothache? and that way we get some medicine to help kill fuji's pain. - hey, not bad, skip. - ok, boys, i'm looking for a volunteer to go to the dentist. the first man who steps forward has the honor. - oh, now, wait a minute. that's not fair, you guys. - thank you, parkerson, i never forget this. - oh, no. - [cheering] - i don't care what these charges say. the medical officer is going to be here in 2 hours inspecting this hospital for malingerers. and i want all these wards cleaned out. i want them evacuated, empty. - uh, but, sir-- the patients in ward "a" have recurrent malaria.

well, let them recur someplace else. i don't want them here. and that goes for these gold bricks you got here in ward "b" and "c" and all the others. now, move, move, move. get these people out of the hospital. here, i don't want any of this. - come on. remember, all we want to do is get the pain pills and shove off. so, let me do all the talking, you hear? - don't worry. i'll be groaning too much to open my mouth. - ok. come on. - ohh. - oh, mercy me, you gave me a start. - ha ha ha. - why, from what captain binghamton said i wasn't expecting a soul. oh, no, not a single solitary soul. - oh, you got a real sick one here, doc. - oh, goody, goody. that makes me feel wanted. frankly, i was beginning to think i wasn't needed on veranga.

taratupa, doc. - oh, no, that can't be. you see, i'm scheduled for taratupa every second wednesday. - now this-- - well, this-- - oh, this is taratupa. lovely place. lovely patients, too. if you'll just be seated, commander. - oh, no, no, no, i'm not the patient, doc. you see, it's my executive officer here. he's got a pain in the lower molar that just won't quit. right, chuck? - oh, dear me. you do have an abnormally deep root system. oh, up here. well, now, tell me just exactly where does it hurt? - in the lower right. the left. - it's in the middle. - you see, it's the pain, doc. he's delirious. you got to give him some pills, doc. - oh, if the pain is that intense, we may have to do more than give him pills. heaven knows. we may even have to pull the little devil. ha ha. - pull it? well, the pain's gone. i think we better get-- - oh, now, now, what mr. parker means, sir, is that, well, y see, um, actually, you can't

because we're shoving right off on a secret mission. - secret mission. oh, my. that will never do. oh, mercy me. no, why, every time he groaned, he'd give away your position. now, remain seated. - but i don't want-- [mumbling] - all right, carpenter, now we've cleaned out all - the wards, now-- - [groaning] - mchale, what are you doing here and what is that faker doing in that chair? - faker, sir? uh, no, mr. parker is in terrible pain. you see, he has terrible pain in the lower molar right down here, sir. - all right, all right, you cut out the charades. - frisbee. - answer the captain. oh, i'm frisbee. - i know who you are. and i ordered you not to waste any time on that malingerer. now, i bet my stripes there was nothing wrong with that tooth. - oh, no. this is a gorgeous molar. - ah, what did i tell you, carpenter. - you were right. it's those 6 other teeth that worry me. surface cavities. just screaming to be filled. positively screaming. - let them go ahead and scream. i'm getting used to the noise.

just give us a hand full of pills and we'll be on our way. - what would the fleet medical officer think if i deserted this poor suffering boy in his hour of need? - oh, the fleet medical officer, yes. you're right. all right, all right, doctor, start filling. - really, now, all 6 of them in one sitting? oh, it's like winning the irish sweepstakes. i better get the novocain. - no, doctor, wait a minute. you don't have time to get anything, no. listen, i want this man out of here before the admiral gets in the hospital. - no novocain. - no novocain? - oh, but, but, but, sir. - just stop but siring me. i said no novocain. come on. start drilling. - no, no. - drill, drill.

- i'm sorry, fellas. well, anybody else got any bright ideas? - well, when you have, count me out. i can't spare any more teeth. - look, guys, we can't just sit around here. we got to do something for our buddy fuji.

there's only one thing left to do. by hook or crook, we got to get him to a dentist. - oh, great, doc frisbee's the only jaw breaker around. - and i don't think he handles japanese patients. - yeah, but who says he's got to be japanese? huh? can't we rig him up so he can pass like one of us? - you mean we disguise him? - that's a wild idea, but it might work. - look, wild or not, it's desperation time. - i'm not sure i like this part. - well, i don't blame ya. that doc frisbee's murder, i fainted 3 times. but other than that, i had fun. - sir. - i hope you had a pleasant flight, admiral. - delay the small talk, binghamton, i came for an inspection, not a coffee clutch. - oh, yeah, sir, well, i'm sure you'll find our little hospital just as clean as a whistle. now, won't he, carpenter? - oh, absolutely, admiral. captain binghamton personally kicked out ever gold-- - ah, right this way, sir. after you. ha ha, here we go. ha ha.

- it looks all clear, skip. - yeah, ok, fuj, come on. - i can hardly see. bandage is too tight. - well, that's good. you just keep it that way. this is one time when it's better to look like an egyptian than a japanese. here. look. ok, come on. let's go. - good luck, skip. - yeah, all right, see ya. - be careful. - [groaning] - oh, dr. frisbee. glad to see you. we got a patient for you. - oh, mercy me. - business is picking up. - yeah. - seaman schroeder here has the most fascinating impacted bicuspid. - but, doc, this is an emergency. - oh, it's you again. - oh, no, it's not me. it's machinist bell, he's in terrific pain. - ohh. - you see, he's in so much pain, why, he can't even talk. - oh, it must be excruciating. well, just look at those bandages. my poor, poor boy. - well, that's from a bad case of sunburn.

don't you worry, pal. that good doctor won't let you down. - oh, heavens to betsy, no. nurse, go check on seaman schroeder's x- rays while i see what i can do for this poor, poor suffering boy. you'll have to get up, sailor. oh, you heard. 7 days on a life raft. up, up, here. - what about my bicuspids? - so, you see, admiral, our wards are so empty we were thinking of turning the whole place into a bowling alley. ha ha ha. - bowling alley. sir, you're very funny. - i'm in no mood for jokes, binghamton. let's get on with the inspection. - knock off that silly cackling, carpenter. - but, sir. - admiral, right over here, sir, we have our dental facilities. - [groaning] - ah, captain, on--on--on second thought, sir, ah, carpenter, why don't you show the admiral our lovely first aid facilities? show him. i have to make arrangements, admiral, with the mess steward for our luncheon arrangements. ha ha. carpenter. carpenter. - oh, oh, this way, sir, please.

this time? - pull? oh, now here, here, we'll have none of that. i'm the one who does the pulling around here. i'm the dentist, you see? - would you be quiet, you quack. i keep telling you, we know who you are. mchale, i demand an answer. - well, now, you see, sir, it's--it's--it's bell, sir, he, he has a terrible toothache. - toothache? it looks like his whole head is aching. what's with all those bandages? - well, that's a sunburn. he's been out in the sun. - i should say he was, 7 whole days in a life raft. - 7 whole days in a-- - ah, doc, how about his tooth? he's in agony. - ohh. - mchale, i am not interested in his tooth. get him out of here, out, out, out. frisbee, i gave you orders nothing but emergency cases. i walk in here it looks like you're holding the senior prom in here. - but schroeder's in terrible shape. why, if we don't treat him right away, i'm sure the admiral will have a hissy. a positive hissy. - yeah, if you've never had one, take it from me, they're murder. - oh, shut up. - [groaning] - oh, you, too, shut up.

you can treat him but he's absolutely positively the last patient. - oh, but, captain, have a heart. his tooth has got to come out. - mchale, i'm giving you your last warning. you get this mummified malingerer out of here. and you take that nitwit with you before i have this nitwit fill a cavity in that nitwit's head. and get this nitwit and everybody out, out, out, out! - [groaning] - hey, skip, that was pretty fast. - how did it go? - it didn't. - what? - we got the heave-ho from binghamton. - you mean they ain't yanked fuji's bum choppers yet? - boy, this is murder. - well, what do we do now, skip? - i don't know about you fellas, but i think i go commit hari kari. anybody got rusty knife? - oh, any of you guys got a rusty, uh... - fuj, this is no time to give up. we still got another hour before doc frisbee checks off the base. - you heard the captain, skip. he said that that patient in there was positively the last one. - that's right. but what we got to do is, uh, to make a switch without

- switch patients? - but how? - yeah, how do we get the other swab to cooperate? - well, i'll tell ya how. come over here. - [groaning] - let's see. syringe and, uh, clamps and, uh, x-rays, uh, x-rays. oh, dear, they're still not here. oh, it's this war time. help is just disgraceful. just disgraceful. - [groaning] - hey, guys. guess who's back on the base. old doc frisbee, the bloody butcher of bora bora. - no kidding, i thought he got tossed out of the navy for practicing without a license. - he would have been, except none of his victims lived long enough to testify. - yeah, he's the only dentist in the navy who pulls teeth with a crow bar. - if i had a bum tooth, i'd rather suffer to death than get murdered by that butcher.

- ok, boys, pass him up. hurry up, fuj. on the double. on the double. all right. chuck, get a cold compress. go ahead. just take it easy. take it easy. nice, nice, ataboy. not me, you-- - ow. - him. - [groaning] - sorry, seaman schroeder, but those x- rays aren't developed yet. well, good heavens, what are you 2 gentlemen doing here again? - well, you see, we were just on our way out and we heard seaman schroeder yelling for help. and, uh, that compress is much better now, isn't it, seaman schroeder? - oh, i think you better pull his tooth. i think he's getting violent. - violent? oh, but he can't be. not yet, oh, what am i going to do? - oh, here, here, yank, pull, hurry, do something. - yank, yank, hurry, hurry, pull, pull. well, i tell you it's absolutely out of the question. i can't do a thing without those x-rays.

developed or not, here i go. - admiral, if you'll observe, sir, the outside of our little hospital is also just as neat as a pin. well, admiral, uh, i just remembered, sir, i've got to check with the mess steward again. - again, sir? - yeah, again. i ordered lunch. it's going to be a very big lunch, admiral. now, carpenter, why don't you show the admiral our laundry facilities? i'm sure he'll find those outstanding. - laundry? but, sir, you've seen one, you've seen them all. ow. - oh, that's, uh, we're studying jujitsu, admiral. that's one of our new chops. - you'll have to see our laundry, sir. it's very different, sir, this way please. - all right, you gold bricks, what's going on?

good afternoon, captain binghamton. good to see ya, captain binghamton. - cut that out. - captain lead bottom. mamma mia, what i do now? - for a start, you can move over. - come on. knock it off, will ya? fuji, look, sore tooth or not, boy, we got to get out of here. come on. let's go. let's go. come on. - [groaning] - what are you dead beats up to? and what is going on here? - that corridor is crowded with nurses. we're trapped. - get down from there, bell. and what happened to your sunburn? where are your bandages? where, where, where? - sunburn, sir? bandages, sir? oh, i made a miraculous recovery, sir. - oh, you did, huh? you're lying. it's a lot of hog wash. soon as i find out what's going on in there, i'm going to take care of all of you. - oh, what a mess. - skipper, skipper, you got to get fuji out fast. quick, hand him out the window. - somebody might spot him.

wait a minute. come here. i got an idea. give me a hand. kick all that stuff aside there. come on. fuj, come on, hop in here, quick. come on, fuj, quick. not you. - hurry, skip, hurry. hurry, skip, hurry. - all right, drag him over here to the window. all right, you guys, stand by to grab him. here we go. take it easy now. take it easy. here we go. - mchale, parker! all right, mchale, you're not going to give me the slip this time. - good afternoon, captain. [screaming] - oh, no. ohh. brother, is he out cold. yeah, but we can't leave him here. come on, let's get him on the chair. not that end, this end. - oh, we can give him first aid, skip.

cover the patient. here. - ohh. - come on. let's go. let's get out of here. - yeah, but, uh... - [groaning] - just in case you wake up with a headache. - [groaning] - well, seaman schroeder, we finally got those x-rays. oh, but that bicuspid has to come out. oh, dear me, yes. captain binghamton says we don't have time for novocain. so, be brave and here we go. - [screaming] - that's binghamton, the doc must have-- - [screaming] - boy, he sure must have deep roots.

- come on, boys. get him on board. come on. - this fuji's heavier than he looks. - easy. you probably dumped him on his head. - i'm sorry, fuj. - that's all right, virgison. hey, toothache all gone now. oh, holy smokes. tooth gone, too. - [cheering] - hey, virg must have knocked it out when he dropped him. - yeah, and you were always complaining about american know-how. what have you got to say for yourself? - only this skipperson. we must have but one tooth to give for country. [cheering] - [screaming] - you got off easy. binghamton must have lost 4 of them by now. - ow. - oh, that dr. frisbee's a killer. come on, boys. let's get out of here. - ow! - boy, what a ball. - that'she best luau the nurses ever had.

- finest naval accident if i--whew! - hey, hey, what's this? "yankees go home." - wonder who put that up. - dodger fanhmm? - don't look at me. - welcome back, yankees. - hey, fuj, did you put up that sign? - according to geneva convention, prisoner only have to give name, rank, and serial number. right, ensign parker-san? - ri--oh, yeah, fuj, but i mean, you're not really a prisoner around here. - ah so! you at party? fuji here. you at uso? fuji here. and you at hot dance? fuji at hot stove. - ah, now wait a minute, fuj. you know you got to stay in hiding. if anybody spotted you, why, you spend the rest of the war in a pw stockade. - well, right now, this a pw stockade to me. [telephone rings] - i'll get it, skip. pw stockade. uh, yeah. ensign parker. yes, captain binghamton. yes, sir.

yes, sir. right. - what did he want, chuck? - uh, routine assignment. build an airstrip. - what? - what? - yeah, and he sd we're restricted to base till it's completed. - build an airstrip in all that jungle? are you sure you heard right? well, yeah, loud and clear, skip. - 7 guys build an airstrip? - on this mud lump? - why, that sounds crazy even for binghamton. [all talking at once] - all right, all right, wait a minute. hold itinute. hold it. pipe down, will ya? as soon as i can get into uniform, i'll go over to the main site and get to the bottom of this. so take it easy, will ya? i'll see ya. - all right. all right, you guys, come on. weere given an order, so let's grabhese tools. come on. you too, fuji. - not me. gotta get back to hot stove. - wartime help. come on, men. let's move it, let's move it. all right, i'll take the sledgehammer. - are you sure you can handle it, mr. parker? - i'm an old sledgehammer man. what are you talking about - watch that first step!

- hark! hark! what light doth through yonder window breaks? it is the moon-- - captn binghamton. captain. - oh, uh, carpenter. what is it, carpenter? what do you want? i'm just checking this light. you see-- - what's wrong with it, sir? wh's wrong with the light? well, ituh--

what do you want? what is it? what? what? - well, i just received this message, sir. - john burton and his cameraman will arrive at 1400 this afternoon, sir. - oh, uh, burton? burton? john burn? - well, yes, sir. you know, the hollywood director who's coming here to make that documentary film about pt boats. - yes. oh, that completely slipped my mind, yes. - aren't you thrilled, sir? - what do i look like, a movie-struck idiot? - oh, no, sir. never sir. mr. burton has won 4 academy awards, sir. - 5, 5. and if everything goes smoothly, he could win another one right here. which reminds me. what about mchale and his men? - they're working, sir. and if i may say so, sir, dreaming up that airstrip assignme to keep them out of sight durinthe filming, oh, that was a good idea, sir. - good idea? it was a stroke of genius. - genius. - if mr. burton would ever use those cutthroats in his film, it would be a bigger disaster than pearl harbor. [knock on door] - captain binghamton? - mchale, what are you doing here? you're supposed to be restricted to your island. - i had to talk to you, sir. i don't know what you had in mind

but it's certainly not a good idea, sir. - not a good idea? why, it s a stroke of genius. if john burton were ever to pick any of your pirates to be in the documentary film-- - [muttering] - i'm trying to tell him, sir. i--ooh! - documentarfilm? aha! so that's it, eh, sir - you blabbermouth, you. all right, mchale, i'll give it to you straight. john burton is going to a film here. and that's why i restricted you and your men to your island. because as far as i'm concerned, you've got the biggest bunch of foulups and deadbeats in naval history. - captain, you've got no right to talk like that, no right at all. - i've got every right to talk like that, lieutenant commander. now you get back to your island. out, out, out, out! - oh, you certainly told him, sir. - certainly did. just hope i didn't strain my speaking voice. mi mi mi mi mi spray, elroy, spray. - oh, thank you, sir. me, elroy, me.

- hey, skipper, are we gonna take this lying down? - well, i don't know what we can do. sure, i'll go along and say that binghamton's out of line, but he did give us a direct order, didn't he? - but it's not fair for him to restrict us. - he's just afraid that we're gonna steal the picture. - ip, if that director ever saw us in action, he'd snap us up in a second, right, boys? - yeah, right! - sure, great. how's he gonna see us in action if we're-- we're... we're in business. virg! you monkey! you caught the brass ring again. - what do you mean, skip? - ah, john burton is going to see us in action. - yeah? - yes, sir. if binghamton wants to get tricky, so can we, so can we. ha ha ha! - i'm sorry i was delayed, sir. - you're just in time, carpenter. here comes mr. burton now. - oh, yes, s. oh, i do hope you get to play e commanding officer in the picture, sir. binghamton, that mustache!

- ah, mr. burton, i'm captain binghamton, sir. welcome to taratupa, mr. burton. it's the fightingest pt base-- hiya, captain. smitty, will you see that they get all this camera gear on shore? and tell them to be careful of the fishing tackle. mr. burt, as the commanding officer, i'm very happy to be able to offer you all of our facilities. - thanks, bungleman. as a matter of fact, i was going to-- - that'singhamton. b-i-n-g-- - i'll take your word for it now, i want to get started as soon as possible. so i want to pick the people that'm going to use in the picture. that's where you come in. - yes, of course, of course. that's where i... - now, i'll need a pt boat and crew. - we have several pt boats and crews available-- - cut, cut, cut! - pardon, sir? - that's show business talk for shut up. - is that right, mr. burton? - that'sight. - as a matter of fact, we have no pt boat crews available at all.

to satisfy your needs. - oh, fine, binghammer. the job's yours. - uh, that's binghamton. - smitty, will you check out this camera gear as soon as possible? soon as i finish this picture, i've g a date with a marlin. - yes. [air raid siren] - what's that? - oh, that's just an air raid, mr. burton. i think that this picture is-- [explosion] an air raid? - come on, smitty! [gunfire] - ... coming out of the sun. let him have it! [air raid siren] keep down, captain! it's a sneak attack! - hey, captain. you got a caterpillar on your lip. - no, you nitwit. don't you know a mustache when you see one? - keep down, mister. say! you look just like john burton the movie director. - i am. no wonder the nips attacked. boy, what a feather in their cap to knock off the guy who directed "fanny of blueberry hill." - thank you.

[imitating aircraft] - bert! bert! are you hit? - yeah, krisky... but it's only a flesh wound. i'll be all right, somehow. - ok, you nips, you asked for it. that's for joe. and that's for larry. any requests? - let me up. - keep him down. and there's a ... comin' in at 3:00. - i don't see any plane at 3:00. - you're looking in the wrong place, sir. the nips are on daylight savings time. - oh. what? [imitating plane] - hold it! cease fire, men. we've got 'em on the run hey, hey! - cease fire! - well done, men. [cheering] - sorry for the inconvenience, mr. burton,

too bad you didn't have your cameras ready. - yes, i missed quite a performance. - yes, sir. - all right, mchale, you're really gone and done it this time. - done what, sir? - well, we'll skip the penny ante stuff like disobeying orders and breaking restriction. we'll get right to the big money. faking an air raid. - well, wait a minute, sir. - can i put in a word here, bingleton? - that's binghamton! as soon as i settle mchale's hash, mr. burton, i'll be ready to start filming. - what i wanted to say was that i won't be needing you for the picture. - yes, sir. thank you very much, and i-- you won't be needing me? - i'm going to use coander mchale and his crew. - oh, well, thank you, sir. - you're not going to fall for that fraudulent air raid? i mean, i didn't see any-- did you see any planes? - no, but i saw a lot of imagination. with an inventive bunch like that, we should be able to finish the picture in no time.

now, mr. burton, surely you're not gonna fall for a dishonest trick like that. i mean, with all your experience, you can tell when some movie-struck egg paw is trying to force his way in your picture. - i certainly can. no about your mustache... ok, mchale, we start filming tomorrow. - yes, sir. ha ha ha! [blows whistle] - all right, men. everybody up. - what are you doing? - let's go, me we've got a picture to make. - mr. burton, it's the middle of the night. - it is exactly 4:39 am, and the cameras roll at 5:00. - what's going on here? - , mchale. i'll be needing your hut to process film in for the next few days, so we'll get your stuff out, ok? atta-boy. - mr. burton. - yeah? - w-why so early? - we've got a rugged schedule, and i've gotta make a great film,

you are going to change, i hope. my orders from t pentagon are no cheesecake. let's go! camera rolls in 20 minutes! - ah, 20 minutes. all right, all right, come on, you starstruck bunch of gorillas! you wanted to be in pictures? so now you're in pictures. let's go! - i thought my knees were kind of cute. - all right, who swiped my comb? - has anybody seen the shoe polish? - hey, gruber, will you let me at that mirror, please? - make way, you peasants, for a star. - hey, stop shovin', will you, grube? - i can't do ahing with my hair. - all right, you glamour girls, let's get out. come on, on the move. come on, come on. let's go. come on, christy. come on, hap. come on, grube. come on, boys. you too. hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! fuj, where are you going? - going to be movie star. - wait a minute, boy. you know, all the big brass is gonna see this picture. do you know what'll happen to you if you're discovered? - su! i go to hollywood, just like sherry yamaguchi!

- you mean i can't be in picture? - sorry, fuj. - not even in [indistinct]? - no, samurai. you get out of those clothes and just get out of sight. go on up to the cave and just eat, sleep, rest. take a nice long vacation till the whole picture's over, ok? - i think i write to geneva. this a heck of a way to treat a pw.

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- all right, men, for this opening shot, you've just gotten a submarine alert and you're going to scramble, and i mean really scramble. ok, mchale? - right, mr. burto - all right, let's go. let's go, boys. smitty, you ready? roll 'em. action! let's go, mchale! [tweet] cut! cut! aw, that's no good, mchale!

you guys looked as if you were headed for a sick call. come on. let's go back and do it again. come on, boys. let's go. [no audio] [gunfire] - what in the blazes... - keep crawling! move! move!

- the act like the real thing. hey, they are real bullets! he fired-- whoo! bullets! hey, you guys, get down! don't anybody stand up. you're liable to get killed. hug the dirt. i gotta learn to follow orders. - parker! - hey, get down! that nutty director-- oh, i'm sorry. i didn't know you were the nutty director. - parker, why did you stand up? now i've gotta shoot the whole scene over again. - oh, no, we won't. i'm sorry, mr. burton, but using real bullets and shooting is going a little bit too far. - listen, mchale, when it comes to realism, i never compromise! you know why "blueberry hill" won the academy award? - real blueberries? - enemy aircra at 2:00! - mr. burton, you want realism you're going to get it. - oh, thank goodness. boy, we sure need the rest. - battle stations! come on, everybody, let's go! - what am i gonna do when it rains?

- we'll see now if this hollywood phony is as good as his press cppings. [explosion] - what's that, sir? - oh, they're just staging a fake battle. - itounds awfully real to me, sir. - what do you know? you don't even know what "cut" means. - but-- - there's another one, 11:00! come on, boys! - keep firing, mchale! - 5 academy awards, and the man doesn't even know how to stage a simple battle scene. i knew he was an incompetent when he picked mchale over me. - sir, it's a nip zero! - oh, nip zero! don't you know an american plane when it's painted over to look like a nip zero? it's a pretty sloppy job, too. [explosion]

- a few firecracrs stuck in the ground. pretty sloppy job, too. hollywood know-how. oh! - turn right! you got him! - yay, we got him! whoo! how about that? ha ha! - hey, mr. burton! hey, mr. burton! was that real enough for ya? - just great, mchale! a real enemy zero being shot down in a real bombing attack. what a finish for my picture. - did you hear that, sir? it was a real attack. - oh, yes, of course, carpenter. i knew it all the time. - well, then, why did you keep telling me it was a fake, r? - very simple, boy. i didn't want you to panic. - oh. - oh! sir? oh, my goodness. - well, mchale, that wraps it up. everything's in the can. thanks again for your cooperation. you did a fine job. - oh, thanks, mr. burton. i can't say we're sorry it's over. - smitty, get that last reel processed as soon as you can.

- right, chief. - thanks again, men. now i'll be off. after a rough filming like that, i need a rest. - you hear that, guys? he needs a rest. - now i know why them hollywood movie stars quit acting and volunteer for frontline fighting. they're cowards. - well, a nice shower and a hot meal and a couple of days of war, and we'll forget ever happened. - yeah, a hot meal sounds great. - hey, one of you guys better go up after fuji in the cave, huh? - don't bother, skipper-san. - hey! what are you doing in that getup? - all the others wear this getup for last scene, so i wear it. - fuji, are you trying to say that you sneaked into the last scene of the picture? - ah so! and not only last scene. i sneak into lots of other scenes. - you what?! - pretty sneaky, huh? - fuji, do you realize what you've done? - what? i just trying to break into pictures.

that you'll be spotted in a minute? then they'll just lock us up and throw away the key! - mamma mia! - skip, that cameraman is processing the film right now. boy, we got problems. - well, we'll just have to wait until smitty goes off fishing with burton and then we'll see if we can cut fuji out of the film. - yep, that's me. always end up on cutting room floor. - well, that wraps iup, boys. see you at the screening tonight. - ok. - wish me luck! - so long! come on. - hey, look at the junk they got in here, huh? - let's try to find the scene that fuj is in. - yeah. - hey, this is it! - hold it up to the light. - yeah? - ooh! - no, stop! - hey, easy! don't step on it! easy!

- easy! you'll damage the film! - i got it. i got it. - what a mess. all right, look. ing it all over here. easy now. just put it right around this thing-- oh, no! the whole thing is ruined! - well, at least we don't have to rewind it, skip. - what do we do now, skip? - well, why ask me? i don't know. - all i know is we gotta come up with a film by tonight. - you don't mean we start this all over again? - what else? - it's worth a try, skip. - yeah, we have no other choice. - ok, then we're wasting time. grab the equipment, boys. let's go. - hey, fuj! yoknow how to operate that camera? - of course, skipper-san. i japanese, remeer? - yeah, how can i forget? you got us into this mess. come on, let's get going. come on, boys, move! action! camera! roll 'em! we're making pictures! - gee, i love that kind of talk. - hiya, chuck. - there you are, sir. sorry for the delay, admiral,

how's it look? - i don't kn, skip. we didn't have time to look at it. we barely had time to slap it together. - ok, ready to go, sir. - i hope this is good. - good? it's a john burton production. it's going to be great. roll it, smitty. - right-o, chief. - what in ...'s name is all tha smitty? - i don't know. search me, chief. - why, this is a disgrace. - quiet. i don't want to hear another word until this film is over.

[no audio]

- all right, smitty, start talking! and you'd better have an explanation, or you're going to walk back to hollywood! - honest, chief, i don't know-- - now, don't take it out on him, sir. the truth is that everything that you saw on that screen i'm responsible for. - you, mchale?

but he wouldn't listen to me. - well, i'm certainly glad he didn't. - you're certainly right, sir, because that was a disgrace what--what? - laughter is one of the most powerful morale weapons we have in our arsenal. and a film as hilarious as this one, why, it'll do more good than a thousand dull ones. well done, mchale. - thank you, sir. and you too, burton. - yes. - really glad someone around here showed some real judgment. now, if you'll come along with me to the jeep, i'll tell you about the last marlin i caught. - i was only kidding, admiral. i knew it was a prank job, admiral. i knew it was a phony, admiral. i was laughing. i laughed. - , don't get mad, captain. maybe you can be in our next picture. we got one-- - i'll kill him. so help me, i'll-- - no, no, no, captain! oh, now, captain, captain! you weren't gonna hurt one of my budding stars, would you? - oh, aaah! oh, aahh! - come on. bye-bye, captain.

- "and so, this citation is presented "to the commander and crew of pt boat 73 "for their part in creating an outstanding tining film." - boy, that's just like an academy award. - hollywood, here we come after all. - we're stars. - who wants my autograph? - who needs it? - knock it off, you 8 balls. we're through with the movie business. from now on, we're supposed to be fighting a war, remember? so there's no more of this hollywood nonsense! and besides, where's fuji with the breakfast? fuji! - oh, wow! - you rang, sir? - get out of here! llllllllllllllllllllllllllllo.

a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed -wilbur. -yeah? wilbur, wait till you hear this. it's almost too much to believe. -oh, i'm too excited, addison. you tell him. - well... we got a telegram from a lawyer in new york. -you tell him, doll. -the telegram said... an uncle of mine left us this beautiful mansion, this big house in new york and it's just... i'm too excited, addison. you tell him what the rest of the telegram said. "signed j.t. farnsworth, attorney." boy, this is exciting. a real mansion in new york, huh? it's called hastings on the hudson. yes, sir, from now on, it'll be roger addison, country squire, living on the banks of the hudson, lord and master of all he surveys. doll, there's no community property in new york. technically, the house is all mine. -it is? -uh-huh. what she's getting at, rog, she'd like the rent on time every month. -(laughing) - aw, gee, i think it's wonderful for both of you,