a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed -wilbur. -yeah? wilbur, wait till you hear this. it's almost too much to believe. -oh, i'm too excited, addison. you tell him. - well... we got a telegram from a lawyer in new york. -you tell him, doll. -the telegram said... an uncle of mine left us this beautiful mansion, this big house in new york and it's just... i'm too excited, addison. you tell him what the rest of the telegram said. "signed j.t. farnsworth, attorney." boy, this is exciting. a real mansion in new york, huh? it's called hastings on the hudson. yes, sir, from now on, it'll be roger addison, country squire, living on the banks of the hudson, lord and master of all he surveys. doll, there's no community property in new york. technically, the house is all mine. -it is? -uh-huh. what she's getting at, rog, she'd like the rent on time every month. -(laughing) - aw, gee, i think it's wonderful for both of you,

we sure are. you're our best friends, you know. in our hearts, you will always be our neighbors. when do you think you'll be moving? well, first of all, we have to sell our place here. that's going to take a little time. doll, you better put an ad in the paper. -yeah. i'll call right now. -okay. and, carol, sweetie, will you help me figure out the things i've got to do? my little head is just spinning. of course. i'll be in as soon as i finish this sketch. and what can i say? i'm so happy for you both. oh, wilbur, you're a doll. come on, carol, sweetie. oh, my dear, i have to throw my whole wardrobe away. you know, like heavy orbach's league. well, there go the addisons. (ed laughs) when do we break open the champagne? ha ha. you don't know addison, ed. he's a wonderful guy. yeah, every time i bite into one of his apples and see a worm, i'll think of him. you both have a perfect driving record. >>perfect. no tickets. no accidents...

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oh, boy.

how long have you had this tree, rog? well, let me see. 16 years. 16 years ago i planted it, and look how it's grown. you know, it's almost like a son to me. well, sap is thicker than water. yeah, boy, i've nursed this fella through windstorms, drought, frost, rains. look at it. grown into a strong, healthy tree. careful. you'll wake up the termites. kay: addison, there's a man here about the house. coming, kay. hey, wilbur, you'd better come along. this may be your new neighbor. -it draws beautifully. -(door opens) i see. we've never had any trouble. -uh, mr. douglas. -yeah? -this is my husband. -oh. how are you, sir? -how are you, mr. douglas? -and this is our next-door neighbor wilbur post. mr. douglas: how do you do? i'll, uh, be frank with you, mr. addison. my wife and i, have often driven past and admired this house. uh, i told him how much we want for it. the price seems fair enough.

-wonderful. -yeah. my husband will be finished with that letter of agreement in a few minutes. fine. fine. no hurry. meanwhile, i'll fix us a little snack. -i'll give you a hand, kay. -oh, no, sweetie. you stay and get acquainted with your new neighbor. the reason i like this neighborhood is because it's so quiet. yes, it's just like the country. if not for tv, wilbur and i wouldn't know what to do evenings. i hope you don't play it too loudly. no, no, no. very low. i'll be honest with you, mr. post. one of the reasons i'm selling my house is because of a noisy neighbor. i got tired of calling the police. i hope you don't have any dogs or cats or parrots. no. just a horse. he's very quiet. walks around the barn in house slippers. you don't take anything seriously, do you, mr. post?

you'll get used to his sense of humor. i doubt it. by the way, mrs. post, what time do you turn on your sprinklers? why do you ask? i come home at precisely 6:00, and i don't like to risk walking on slippery pavements. lawsuits can be very costly. i've, uh, drawn up the letter of agreement, mr. douglas. -oh, yes. -now, if you'll sign right here, please. thank you. well, did you find you have anything in common? so far, just a wet sidewalk. uh, here, uh... here's my check as a deposit, mr. addison. thank you, and good day. oh, don't get up. i can find my way out. pardon me. -what's the matter, honey? -hmm? oh, i was just thinking about our new neighbor. we're not gonna have much of a life after he moves in.

lights out at 10:15. "taps" at 10:30. and if one of us should accidentally snore, we'll be arrested for disturbing the peace. but, honey, we can't stop the addisons from moving. no. i guess we have to be philosophical about this. we're not losing a friend, we're gaining a warden. -i wonder what he does for a living. -didn't roger tell you? he's an inspector for the internal revenue department. oh, great. now if we brag about our furniture, our tax goes up. -hi, ed. -hi, wilbur. what is that? who ordered it? i did. it's a farewell cake. a farewell cake? ed: yeah, for old addison. "thanks, from the l.a. smog committee." oh. "dear mr. addison, your leaving solves the air pollution problem in our town."

(laughing) it got a big laugh from the baker. well, i don't wanna hear another crack out of you about mr. addison. -is that clear? -oh. okay. i won't say another mean word about that creep. that's better. you know how badly i feel about roger moving. sorry, wilbur. i promise to lay off him. (phone rings) hello. oh, hi, kay. yes. yeah. bring him on over to our house. i'll be right in. all right. ed, the douglases are dropping by with their little boy to visit us. how about sending the little fella out here with me, wilbur? you know i get along great with children. it's a shame you never learned to love roger addison the way you love kids. i couldn't love that guy if he shaved off his moustache and began wearing rompers.

yes. isn't it amazing how nice a room can look with inexpensive furniture? wilbur, i want you to meet mrs. douglas. -mrs. douglas. -how do you do? -and you know mr. douglas. -of course. yes. -yes, that's right. -kay: and this is timmy. hello, mr. post. well, what a sweet little boy. -do you like horses, timmy? -oh, yes, sir. look, if you'd like to go out in the barn, you can play with mister ed. -he's a wonderful horse. -thank you, sir. my i get my toys from the car, father? -of course, son. -thank you, sir. and you play very nicely with that horse, timmy. oh, i will, mother dear. i'll play very carefully. good boy. run along. get your toys. -oh, he is polite. -yes. oh, my. such a well-mannered little man. -you must be very proud of him. -oh, indeed we are. come on, mrs. douglas. i want you to meet carol. you'll love her.

-(laughing) -you're a dead horse. i have a feeling i'm not long for this world. he's not long for this world, either. want some sugar, horse? there's a lot of sugar in here. -look! -(laughing) just wait till i try this one on you. ah, brother. i wonder how wilbur is making out with the father of this son of frankenstein. mr. douglas, won't you be seated, please?

oh. all right. fine. i understand you're an inspector with the bureau of internal revenue. that's right, mr. post. it must be a very interesting occupation. mr. addison tells me you're a very successful architect. successful? well, i mean, what is successful, you know? what can be success for one man, on the other hand, that's failure for another, you know? i mean, you take my office out in back. why, i have never deducted one penny for depreciation that i couldn't back up with receipts. really? you don't believe me? well, i can prove it. now, last year, i had that roof fixed. cost me $365 and 46 cents.

no, but someday my case may come up before you, and i... right here, now, i have all... all of the receipts. every... every... oh. -(mutters) -(sighing) this is all... all of 1960 in... in here. -i have '58 and '59... -really, mr. post, i did not come here to examine your books. well, you'll find that i'm not a tax evader. i mean, there are people who deduct for gas and oil to and from work. but you said your office is right out in back. i travel. i travel. you see, right now, i'm building a house in arcadia. that's... that's 32 miles. i have a witness. here. you can phone the witness. -i have his telephone number. -really, mr. post, i've got to be going. -i'll go and get timmy. -no, no. i'll get him. you stay right here. i'll get timmy for you. don't worry about a thing. i'll get timmy. oh, this is all '60. as i said, i have '61 begun back here.

very bad year... '53. hey, stop that! bless your little... now, timmy, that is not a nice way to play with mister ed. how would you like it if i told your father? go ahead and tell him. he wouldn't believe you. i'm a good boy. oh, where did that little green man come from, wilbur? have we been invaded from mars? ed, cheer up. he's just a little kid. maybe he'll outgrow it. but will i outlive it? wilbur, we can't let that baby-face killer move in next door.

but don't worry about it. the father is much worse. carol and i are sick about it, but there's nothing we can do. whoa, whoa, whoa. what about good old addison? maybe we can get good old addison to stay here, huh? what do you think? -thought you didn't like him. -oh, i love him. i love him, wilbur. how can i show good old addison i love him, huh? forget it, ed. it's too late.

wilbur, what in the world are you doing? oh, just cleaning things up for you. well, say, that's very nice of you. well, the papers are in escrow, wilbur. another 90 days, and i'm off to my castle on the hudson. yeah. hey, what's with mister ed? -take it, rog. -what? -take the rose. -me? yeah. that's ed's way of showing you he hates to see you go. -really? -oh, ed. good boy. well, hey, what do you know?

-i've seen everything now. -you can finish it up. i'm tired. oh, wilbur, don't forget to bring carol over tonight for our regular gin game. you know, we're not going to be together much longer. -hey, that's right. tonight, let's make the game a little bit different, huh? -how? -let's not play with your marked cards. come on, ed. well, i'm sure going to miss these nice sociable evenings. i know we've said this before, but i'll say it again. we certainly will miss you two. we feel the same way. well, let's play, shall we? let's break up the game for a few minutes and all have a good cry. that's the way i feel. -i'm ready. -me, too. what's the use of kidding ourselves, kay? my heart is not in moving away. oh, doll, i was hoping you'd say that. we can sell that white elephant in new york and make a nice little bundle on the deal. -that's right. -and living in california, half that money is legally mine.

but what about this fella douglas? i'll take care of that right now. the papers are still in escrow. -i'll just return his check, and we'll be right back where we started. hello, mr. douglas? roger addison. oh, i'm glad you called, mr. addison. i'd like to drop by tomorrow with my contractor. well, he wants to measure the yard. i'm having it cemented. that's right. all of it. you're removing my apple tree? well, i certainly do mind. as a matter of fact, mr. douglas, i called you to tell you i've changed my mind about selling my house. i know. a deal is a deal. - es, i know legally you can hold me, but... he's not chopping down my tree. i'll call my lawyer in the morning and cancel the whole deal. but, doll, we've got his check. the house is his if he wants it.

-what do you mean? -what are you talking about? carol, we are going to invite the douglases for dinner tomorrow night. (doorbell rings) -ah, come in! -ah, thank you. you look wonderful! how beautiful, mrs. douglas! -thank you, mr. post. -come in, mr. douglas. thank you. well, it was nice of you to ask us for dinner, mr. post. (laughs) uh, don't mention it, doug, old boy! (grunts) oh, my dear, you look ravishing. (growling) won't you sit down? uh, y... yes. oh, that dress, mrs. douglas. you're being positively unfair. please, doug, come on. sit down. join the party. yeah, well, uh, i, uh... allow me.

uh, thank you. i'll get my wife. carol, baby! carol: ahh, shut up! she's a little upset tonight. oh? is something wrong? nah. she just burned the dinner. burned the... i hope you two like hot dogs. ho... hot do... oh, no. you see, i'm afraid my husband can't eat hot dogs. oh, no. they're much too spicy for him. you see, he has a queasy stomach. that's okay. these are queasy hot dogs. hey, i hear my square neighbor just phoned you last night, huh? trying to weasel out of the deal. yes, but i intend to go through with it. i gave the man my check as a deposit, and i expect him to keep his part of the bargain. look, uh, mrs. douglas... listen to that-- "mrs. douglas." -how formal can you get, huh? -(chuckling) what's your first name, honey? -hortense. -hortense.

horty, you, uh, do much sunbathing? sunbathing? oh, well, i... i'm afraid we don't get to the beach very often. aah, we don't, either. we just kind of lie around the backyard. uh, you got a bikini? i don't allow my wife to parade her body in public. oh, i agree with you. with a shape like hers, that isn't a parade, that's a procession. (clears throat) hey, uh, doug. how about a little snort before dinner, huh? get us loose and the girls tight. we never indulge in alcoholic beverages. that's all right. i don't think we have any left. hey, let's get a little life in the party, huh? (rock 'n' roll)

(chuckles) keep punching, buddy boy. i got all my feet crossed. ba-by! hey, hey, hey. man, this is the craziest. bop that beat. come on, daddy. we're gonna twist up a storm. i can't stand this. you're right, daddy-o. it is kind of draggy. i dig you, doug. let's make our own music, pops. crazy. there's nothing like my baby's music to get these feet going.

please, mr. post. please! any requests, friend? the only request i have is for you to tell mr. addison that i'm tearing up the escrow papers and stopping payment on my check. oh, what's hurry? don't you want some crazy black hot dogs? hot dogs. (laughs) you did it. you did it. wilbur, you were wonderful. even i hated you. twist anybody? music, maestro. (bagpipes wheeze) oh, no.

well, do you feel any better now the mean little kid won't be living next door? i sure do.

then you'll be happy with the same old neighbors, huh? yes, sir. i'll take good old addison any day. he's not so bad. wilbur, that mangy old plug of yours has been swiping my apples again. he has? if he comes into my yard once more, your friends will be sending you sympathy cards. good old addison. good old addison. i'll keep saying it till i believe it. good old addison. good old addison. good old addison. once more. uh, good old addison. llllllllllllllllllllllllllllo. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course

that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed boy, i'm fit to be tied. mule head. ah! [sighing] [grunting] imagine that! [grunts] the nerve of that editor. guys like him ought to be shot. i'm never gonna read his paper again. ed, what are you doing? look at that paper on the floor. read that editorial. humph.