why, really, mr. hathaway? well, that's very flattering. why, yes, of course. i'd be glad to show it to you. around 2:00? oh, yes, that'll be fine. good-bye. martha, you'll never guess. that was one of new york city's most important dealers in rare coins. he's heard of my collection and is coming by to see it. well, that doesn't surprise me. you have a collection to be proud of. but to have heard of me in new york city. locally, sure. everybody in town knows i'm a collector, but new york. well, it just goes to prove what i've always said: my george is a champion in everything he does. oh, you're exaggerating. [doorbell rings]

with weaknesses and failings like everybody else. if my collection is outstanding, it's only because i work harder and am more dedicated than most people. [ding-dong ding-dong] coming! but then, i guess that's what makes a champion, huh, martha? [ding-dong ding-dong] coming! coming! hi, mr. wilson. oh, hello, dennis. i've been ringing your bell. we heard you. what do you want? just seeing if your doorbell would work. for heaven's sakes. martha: ask him to come in, george. hi, mrs. wilson. hello, dear. your mother's been looking for you. she wants you to go to the park with her. the ladies committee of the children's playground fund are having their meeting there. jeepers, at lunchtime? i'm hungry. she didn't forget about you. she's taking a picnic lunch. oh, swell. you wanna come, mr. wilson? no, i don't. the park's lots of fun. they got a drinking fountain

if you put your finger on it. i am not interested. good-bye, dennis. bye, mr. wilson. see you when i get back from the park. that's what i'm afraid of. hey, margaret, you know what we got here? it's a wading pool. that's all you know, dennis mitchell. that's a fountain. gee whiz, dumb girls. come on, fellas. let's go wading. [alice gasps] dennis! dennis! it isn't deep, mom. it's only a wading pool. it's not a wading pool, dennis. it's a fountain. i told him so, mrs. mitchell, and i was very polite about it. i said, dennis mitchell, that's a fountain. jeepers, i'm probably the only kid in the whole world that's hen pecked. dennis. here, wipe your other foot dry. what's the matter with wading in a fountain? because fountains aren't for wading, dennis. why not?

there's a law against it, dennis. thank you, alice. i knew there must be some reason. now, you get your shoes and socks on, young man, and stay out of that water. i'm sorry. well, let's discuss ways and means to raise money for the children's playground fund. any ideas? well, if nobody else has a better suggestion, i think i have the answer. hey, mom, you got any more sandwiches? uh...here, dennis. here's a deviled egg. i don't like deviled egg. well, keep trying. you'll learn to like it. now run along, dear. we're busy. deviled egg. hey, how come it's all right to say devil when you're talking about an egg? because it just is, that's all. now run along. i'm sorry. [chuckles]

wouldn't that be fun? well, a rummage sale is always good, mrs. elkins, but the church has just had one. well, what else is there? a rummage sale or a cookie sale? i want to keep out of the kitchen. here's an idea that might be a little bit different. we have a lovely fountain right here. why don't we call it a wishing well? the boys and girls can collect coins, the contributions can be thrown into the fountain, and everybody who contributes gets to make a wish. oh, i like that idea. thank you. margaret: dennis, you stop that. deviled egg. deviled egg. deviled egg. we're not children! mrs. mitchell, dennis swore a naughty word. dennis.

superb. oh. well, they're all in excellent condition. most of them even have the original mint luster. i could tell. mr. wilson, this is a collection. thank you. you know, that's very pleasant hearing it from an expert, mr. hathaway. i don't suppose i could buy it from you in total? oh, no. no, not a chance. that's the story of my life. but i do manage to pick up a few good coins. well, i'm not in the market for anything right now. that doesn't matter. this is just one collector to another. oh. mint perfect. oh. all right. mm-hmm. a 1909 "o" liberty head quarter. well, perhaps you noticed i have one of those.

oh, what's that? that's already committed to one of my customers. take a look at this dime. a 1901 "s" mint. well, i already have one of those, too. what's in that little black bag? i wouldn't want to show it to you, mr. wilson. i wouldn't be able to sell it to you. take a look at this half dollar. it's rather good. yes. yes, that's very nice. but what's the harm in my just seeing it? well, mr. wilson, the coins i've been showing you up to now are one thing, but this is a... well, this is... i don't even want to tell you about it. well, great scott, man, what's the difference? it's not for sale. i've already committed it. i don't want to buy it. i wouldn't buy it if i could. you have my word. i just want to look at it.

oh, great scott. a 1907 $10 gold piece. beautiful. rolled edge. beautiful. with periods. beautiful. and that's how we plan to raise money for the children's playground fund. i think it's a wonderful idea, and i'd love to contribute. make a wish, mrs. wilson. all right. let's see. i wish-- don't say it out loud or it won't come true. oh. all right. i made the wish. give me the coin. no, dear. no, i better not. mr. wilson would kill me if i gave away any change before he had a chance to look it over. it's for his coin collection, you know. you come to see me later on, dennis, and i'll give you lots of coins. i could come now. later, dennis. are you sure you wouldn't like another cup of tea? i haven't time.

good-bye, mrs. wilson. there you are, mr. hathaway. $250. mr. wilson, i tip my hat to you. when you want something, you keep after it until you get it. well, i suppose it's my background in business. martha: george, i'm back. oops. it's my wife. if you don't mind, let's keep this little transaction between ourselves until i've had a chance to talk with her. i understand. i'm a married man myself. oh, martha, dear. come on in. i want you to meet mr. hathaway. how do you do? i hope you've had a pleasant afternoon. it's been most enjoyable. yes. you might say it's been mutually profitable. profitable? oh, well, as long as you two experts are here, you might check the contents of my coin purse. oh, well, you see, i always go over them. of course. no, martha. there's nothing today. well, it's been wonderful meeting you two,

a cab? nonsense. i'll drive you back to your hotel. well, thank you. thank you. well, good-bye, mrs. wilson. good-bye. thank you. hello, mrs. wilson! i'm in here, dear. did you know your kitchen door was unlocked? well, i do now. i supposed you've come over for your coins. there they are in the ashtray. you can have all of them. gee, thanks. hey, there's one on the floor. finders keepers? losers weepers. gee, thanks, mrs. wilson. you know what, mrs. wilson?

are you looking for something? did you find it? find what? never mind what. tell me what you found. i didn't find anything. but if you're looking for your pipe cleaners, they're right in the kitchen where you left them. oh, thank you, dear. don't stay up too long. all right, martha. oh, george wilson, you're a fine one. only a chump would spend $250 for a $10 gold piece, and only a super chump would lose it. oh, it's got to be here somewhere.

hello, mr. wilson! oh, dennis, be quiet. you'll wake everybody up. why aren't you sleeping? i've been sleeping all night. want a pickle? at 6:00 in the morning? no.

what are you doing? oh. are you grumpy today, mr. wilson? i guess you haven't had your coffee yet. my dad's always grumpy till he's had his coffee. i'm warning you, i am not a well man. i haven't slept all night. i'm right at the breaking point. i don't know how much longer i can go on this way. poor mr. wilson. i'll help you. no! well, yes, yes, yes. maybe you can at that. here. now, your fingers are small. see if they can go inside that tube. see if you can feel anything. i feel something. you do? what? dirt. oh, dennis, come on. try again, dennis. i'm looking for a gold coin about the size of a quarter. you are? when i was getting the coins from mrs. wilson, i found a shiny one on the floor. great scott, that was my $10 gold piece. where is it, dennis? i threw it into the fountain.

free wish? oh, i wish-- don't say it out loud or it won't come true. i wouldn't dare say it out loud. all right, dennis. now, you show good old mr. wilson where you threw his nice shiny coin. huh? come on. all right, drop the vacuum hose. well, put-- i can't. my finger's stuck in it. boy, just look at all that money. where did you throw my coin, dennis? i don't know. when i wish, i close my eyes. well, come on. let's see if we can find it. are you sure it's okay, mr. wilson? mom says fountains weren't to wade in. well, your mom is perfectly right. she said there was a law. i know there's a law, dennis. i know. but this is an emergency. i like going to the park with you, mr. wilson. we ought to do this every morning, huh? [gasps] ooh! it's gonna be cold at first,

eew. i'm in, but it's still cold. you wanna splash me, mr. wilson? we'll take turns. i'd like to splash you, dennis. you've no idea how much i'd like to splash you. but i've got to find that coin. is this it, mr. wilson? no. well, wait a minute. don't be in such a hurry. now, that looked like an old indian head. some of those are pretty valuable. are these valuable old indian heads, mr. wilson? i don't know, dennis. put them over there on the ledge and i'll look them over before we throw them back. boy, i'll bet we're the only people in the whole world up this early, huh, mr. wilson? there it is. i see it. i'll get it! oh!

you have had it, mister. now get out of there before i have to drag you out. see, mr. wilson? i told you there was a law against it. do you know who you're talking to? well, that's what we're going to find out. come on. let's see your identification. well, i don't have my wallet with me, but i'm george wilson and i live right down the street a few blocks at 6-2-5 elm street. i'm a law abiding citizen, and i can explain everything. explain this. hey, don't do that. that's evidence. evidence? why, surely, officer, you don't think i had any intention of stealing those miserable coins. no, they just jumped into your shoe all by themselves. no, they didn't. i helped him. oh, shame. you not only steal the coins that the little kiddies collected for their playground, but you get another little kiddie to help you. mister, we're gonna throw the book at you. what book?

tell them, dennis. he only wanted them 'cause they were valuable. now, look here, officer. i'll have you know chief stewart is a friend of mine. oh, trying to intimidate an officer. take your hand off me. oh, resisting arrest, huh? well, at least let me get my shoes on. no, you can't put 'em on. they're evidence. hi, sergeant mooney. remember me? heh. like the day i broke my leg. am i gonna get fingerprinted? of course not, dennis. they're not going to fingerprint a little boy. why not? i was in there breaking the law just as hard as you were. dennis! all right, all right. what's the charge? we found him filching pennies out of the fountain in the park. caught him red-handed. get hold of mr. hathaway

he can tell you how this whole miserable thing started. and i demand to see my lawyer. are your hands red, mr. wilson? oh, dennis, can't you be quiet-- don't you talk to the kid that way. wait a minute. take him inside and get him into something warm, huh? come on, son. and watch it. he's a tough customer. not him. the little one. mrs. mitchell? this is sergeant mooney at the police station. yes. henry: dennis? yes, i see. yes, we'll bring mrs. wilson along. dennis? warm clothes? certainly. thank you very much for calling. i wonder where that kid can be? he's in jail. oh. in jail? go get mrs. wilson and tell her to bring some warm clothes for mr. wilson

wait a minute. what's dennis doing at the jail and what's this got to do with mr. and mrs. wilson? no, it's mr. wilson who got arrested and dennis just happened to be with him. that doesn't sound right, does it? no. oh, what's the difference? my little boy is in jail. who cares how he got there?

oh, thank you. warm milk. last time i was here, i got ice cream. alice: where is he? george! george! are you all right? martha. i've been so worried, george. i can explain everything. hi, everybody. boy, have we been having fun. huh, mr. wilson? no. do you need a lawyer, mr. wilson? everything's straightened out, mr. mitchell.

if your gold coin is in the fountain, my men'll find it. as a matter of fact, they ought to be back any minute. gold coin? won't somebody please tell me what's happened? well, i was going to tell you, martha, but then i was ashamed to admit i'd been so extravagant and then i lost it and i couldn't find it-- now, now, george. you know i don't care how much you spend. if you do get your coin back, i think you ought to donate $25 to the children's playground fund in lieu of a fine. if they find my coin, i'll donate $50. we found it. let me see it. yes. yes. oh, it is my coin. my beautiful gold coin. and the water didn't hurt it. good old mr. wilson. okay, i said $50, and $50 it is. thank you, sergeant. thank you, officers. i'm going to tell chief stewart he can be proud of you men.

oh, i'm sorry to have troubled you, sir. i don't need you after all. but i can't tell you how much i appreciate it, a man of your position coming all the way down here. i want to shake your hand-- you know this man? well... he's john higgins, alias jonathan hathaway, confidence man and bunko artist. he's been covering the town with phony gold coins. phony? but i paid $250 for this coin. you mean to tell me it's worthless? i'm afraid so, mr. wilson. oh...i... don't cry, mr. wilson. you still got your $50 wish coming. oh, martha, martha. take me home. i want my nerve medicine. now just relax, dear, and forget the whole thing.

this is the worst day in my life. don't say that, dear. at least you got your check back. hello, mr. wilson! don't let him in. dennis, it's not a good time for you to come in now. jeepers, i haven't got time anyway. just tell mr. wilson i won't be able to play with him next week 'cause i'm going to my grandpa's. bye. good-bye. martha, did i correctly? did i hear him say he was going away for a week? that's right, george. well, then this wasn't such a bad day after all. martha, that fountain works. my wish came true!

dennis. hey, dennis. come on out, dennis. i can't come out now, tommy. i'm out in the patio flying my kite. but mr. wilson just went in to take his exercises. is he gonna ride his bike? he sure is. well, i'll be right out if he's gonna ride his bike. dennis, how many times have i told you not--

mrs. mitchell? yes? here's your dry cleaning. oh, fine. you're new, aren't you? yes, ma'am. that'll be 3.85. all righty. i'll get my purse. would you hold this for me, please? well, it takes all kinds. honey, dennis left his scooter in the driveway again, i--

oh, wrapping something? oh, your wife just went upstairs to get a purse. i'm holding her kite for her. a kite? she's really got it up there. here you are. 3.85. thank you. your husband's holding your kite. thank you. bye. honey, what in the world are you doing? i'm not doing anything. dennis tied his kite to the one antique we own. if i hadn't rescued it just in time, we would've had an end table in orbit. he's left his scooter in the driveway again. i ran over it. oh, honey, he'll be sick about it. can it be fixed? i'm afraid not. it smashed to smithereens. well, i don't think we should buy him a new one. do you? absolutely not.

i suppose you're right. i'm gonna stand firm on this. no matter how much dennis pleas, we're not buying him another one. dennis: boy, look at him go, tommy. tommy: yeah. if you had two wheels, mr. wilson, i bet you'd be going a hundred miles an hour. boys, why don't you go play somewhere else? you want me to ride it for you for a while? no, i don't. can i have a ride on the handle bars? dennis, this is an exercise bicycle. you're trying to get rid of your bay window, aren't you? all right, boys, run along. jeepers, when will i get to ride it? your time is between midnight and six in the morning. all right, go on. scoot. go on.

sure i can ride it. you want me to ride it up and down the block a couple of times to show you? i keep telling you, you're too little. how about once around the block? sorry, shrimp. how about if i ride it up and down the sidewalk for you? nope. how about if we just sit on it? no. but i'll tell you what. if you deliver the wilson's paper and your paper, i'll let you honk my horn. that's a crummy deal. no it isn't. i'll do it. 'cause then maybe he'll let me ride it tomorrow, huh, herb? we'll see. go ahead and honk it. boy, i bet people really get out of your way when you honk that, huh, herb? that's enough. here's the papers and go deliver. okay. see you tomorrow, herb. boy, that sure is a swell bike. the new kid's is better. it has a siren, we outta get to know him.

and i bet he will get me one too. just like to get me that scooter when i wanted it. hey, mr. wilson, mr. wilson. oh, what does he want now? dennis: here's your paper, mr. wilson. oh, good. here's your paper, mr. wilson. why don't you just throw it? okay. watch. right on the porch. oh. dennis. excuse me, mr. wilson. did i hurt your stomach? yes, you did. i was trying to hit your porch. well, you just stay away from me or i'll speak to your father. boy, i better talk to my dad about that bike in a hurry.

honey, have you heard the paper come yet? no, i haven't. maybe he threw it in the bushes.

excuse me, dad. here's your paper. and, boy, do i wanna talk to you. and i wanna talk to you, young man. do you know where you left your scooter again? uh-oh. that's right, the driveway, and i didn't see it this time and i ran over it and broke it. gee, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to leave it there. well, it's too late to be sorry. it's broken. but you know what, dad? you don't have to get me a new one. we have no intention of getting you a new scooter, dennis. that's good, 'cause what i need is a bike that's a two-wheeler and a horn that you could squeeze when you wanna honk at somebody. no, we're not getting you one, dennis. it's time you learn to take care of the things you do have, young man. i'd take swell care of a two-wheeler. no, dennis. well, i'd even wash it every day. no, dennis. and i wouldn't leave it in the driveway either. no, dennis. and that's final. but, jeepers, i need it. you don't need a bike.

i need it so i can get rid of my bay window. i'm sorry, young man. it just won't work. now, you run along and play. my dad said maybe for my birthday. me and my dad decided we need to just wait a while too. hey, look. hello, dennis. hi, margaret. gee, where did you get it? my uncle gave it to me. can i ride it? no, you can't. but you can. well, get off. you can if you'll play house with me after. heck, no. okay for you, dennis mitchell. margaret has a doll head. you know, i wouldn't have played house with her either. you know what my dad's gonna say when he hears dumb ol' margaret got a bike? he's gonna say, "come on, dennis.

margaret wade got a two-wheeler. she did, huh? well, why should i be mad? gee wiz, dad. you don't want a dumb girl getting ahead of me, do you? dennis, i'm not gonna buy you a bike. how about if i get one myself, can i keep it? well, in that unlikely event, yes. i'll be back in a little while, dad. and i'll give you a ride on my handlebars. well, honey, it's almost dinnertime. oh, he'll be here. he's probably out collecting bottles. that's what he usually does when he wants some money. i don't know whether i like the idea of dennis trying to get a bike by himself. i'm proud of him. he's showing initiative, thinking for himself, learning the value of a dollar; these are the things that build character. dennis: i'm home. well, i got my own bike. where in the world did you get that?

what do you mean "used to?" me and her got engaged. what? sure. so she gave it to me as an engagement present. i told her that's the only way i get engaged. holy baloney, now he's a gigolo. dennis, you take that right back over to margaret's house this very minute. why? well, dennis, men don't demand a present when they get engaged to a woman. she's not a woman. she's just dumb ol' margaret. well, you take it right back anyway. and you're not engaged. gee, the wades will be disappointed. she's just going in to tell 'em. [phone ringing] hello? oh, yes, mr. wade. i'm very sorry about that. i'm sending him back with it right away. well, i don't blame you for being angry. gee, dad, if he's mad, i better talk to him.

mr. wade, dennis would like to speak with you. say, mr. wade, margaret asked me to come to dinner. am i still supposed to come? hello? hello? hello?

dennis, it's 5:00 in the morning. what are you doing here? jeepers, mr. wilson. did you forget? you said my time to ride it was before 6:00 in the morning. how long have you been here? i don't know. but i've put five miles on it. see, no. mrs. wilson and i are trying to get some sleep. and i particularly don't want him riding it at 5:00 in the morning. i'm sorry, mr. wilson. well, when he came home and woke us up, we gave him a good talking to. i don't think we'll hear about that bike anymore. i don't know. dennis doesn't give up so easily. well, he didn't even mention it at breakfast. just gobbled down his food and rushed off to that new boy's house to play marbles. what in the world is that?

well, i got myself a bike, and i didn't have to get engaged either. nothing more about bikes, eh? where did you get that bike? it used to belong to the new kid. why doesn't it belong to him now? because i won it from him playing marbles. take it right back. dennis, when we told you that you could keep a bike if you got one, we didn't mean you could take it away from another child. okay. i'll take it back. hey, mr. wilson, if you're not doing anything this afternoon, would you like to play a game of marbles? no, i wouldn't. and we don't want you taking a bike away from mr. wilson. where do you think i can get one? from a store. swell chance of me of doing that. i haven't got any money. poor dennis. i bet we don't hear anything more about the bike from him. i'm home.

dad, i'm gonna get a bike from a store. how are you gonna do that? and what are you doing with this big bowl of beans? what did i just hear you say, dennis? i'm gonna get a bike from the huggins hardware store and it's free. what now? who knows? they're having this swell contest where you guess the number of beans in the fishbowl. well, tommy's just gonna make a guess. but i'm gonna count 'em. dennis, just take the bowl back to the store, will you? it's joey's. he said i could use it. he put all of his goldfish in the bathtub. oh, where did you get the beans? first, i got all that joey's mom had, and then, i got all that mrs. wilson had, and i'm gonna get the rest from us. and i got to hurry 'cause that contest ends at 5:00. well, it's 2:00 now. you'll never get them counted by five. sure, i will. i got a special system.

he doesn't stand a chance, but you sure have to admire his persistence. i've never seen him want anything so badly. a first bike is a big thing to a boy. i remember when my dad gave me my first one at christmas. it was red. dennis: bye, mom. bye, dad. thanks for the beans. goodbye, son, good luck. good luck, son. your father gave you yours? yeah. all we're giving dennis is beans. well, we had good reasons for telling dennis we wouldn't buy him a new one. that's right. he doesn't take care of his things. what time is it? five after two. he'll never make it. i, uh-- i suppose if a person wanted to, he could pick up one of those bowls at the five and 10. yeah.

at a grocery store if he wanted to. well, henry, let's stop pussyfooting. this person wants to. --we didn't say anything about not helping him win one. let's hurry. --the beans by 5:00. and martha--and that boy doesn't have a chance. it does seem unlikely that he could win. he has so many beans to count. i gave him two pounds. you know how i'd do it? how, george? scientifically. i'd figure out the number of beans in a cubic inch and the number of cubic inches in a 2 1/2-gallon bowl, and just multiply the two together. do it for him, dear. figure it out, and then, put in a guess in his name. yes, it might be an interesting mental exercise, but--well, i don't know. you know, if he had a bicycle of his own, he wouldn't be wanting to ride yours all the time. great scott.

i'll figure it out in a fraction of a bean. ninety-four, 96, 98, 100. twenty-five, 26, 27, 28-- honey, count by twos. hmm? count by twos. it'll go faster. oh. where was i? i don't know. well, then i'll have to start all over again. how many have we counted? fourteen hundred. do you think we'll finish on time? well, we'll just about make it. it's lucky we're doing this. dennis wouldn't stand a chance. twelve, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22-- beans for sale. get your beans here. get your beans here. penny a 100, but you've got to count them yourself. i'll take a nickel's worth. okay.

how many have you sold? fifty-two cents worth. how many is that? 5,200. do you wanna buy some? no, thanks. beans for sale. get your beans here. get your beans here. 566. oh, fiddle-faddle. how are you coming, dear? well, i'm figuring out the number of cubic inches in the fishbowl is child's play. two and a half gallons equals 577.5 cubic inches. oh, good. then, you're almost through. well, no. the problem seems to be finding out the number of beans in each cubic inch. well, that should be easy. you make that little cardboard box. isn't that a cubic inch? well, yes. but you see, every time i fill it and count it, i get a different number. there's a great variation in the size of the beans. hurry, dear. it's after four. i'm hurrying as fast as i can.

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nininety-six, 98, 100. how many is that? thirty-two hundred. oh, honey, it's 4:30 already. we've been at this for two hours. i don't think we're gonna make it. oh, henry. well, honey, look at that. how do you think we can count that many and still get to the hardware store on time? no, i guess we can't. oh, poor dennis. he never had a chance. well, how are the beans going? i've sold 61 cents. how many have i sold? 6,100. hey, i'm not gonna pay a penny for those. there's only 88 beans there. okay. you can have them for free. say, mister. could you tell me what time it is, please?

gee, that's swell. i just got time for some root beer. poor little guy will come dragging in here any minute now. i'm going to make some chocolate pudding for dessert. he likes that. hello, mitchells. hello, mr. wilson. well, heard anymore about the bean contest? no, not yet. well, it's 5:30. i thought he might be here. not yet. poor little guy. you know, i tried to work it out for him scientifically, but i'm afraid i didn't have much luck. well, that was very nice of you. oh, dennis is a nice boy. we tried counting a bowl of beans ourselves but we ran out of time. we're not gonna tell him we even tried, so don't say anything. honey, you know, i think we ought to buy him a bike for his next birthday. oh, henry. i'm so glad you said that because-- dennis: i'm home. gee, son, you won the bike. how did you do it? i don't believe it. no. i didn't win. tommy won this good old bike.

he just guessed the number of beans. for goodness' sake. yeah. he made me so mad, i popped him one on top of the head. dennis. it didn't hurt him, mom. he had his football helmet on. well, dennis, if tommy won the bike, what are you doing with it? i get to use it while i teach him how to ride. well, where's tommy? he's over at mr. wilson's. at my house? well, what's he doing over there? he's on your exercise bike learning how to pedal. that's my boy. he's out in front watching tommy and the other boys ride by. poor dennis. his birthday isn't for six months, then he can get one of his own. now, tommy stopped to talk to him. i think dennis is trying to get a ride. no. now, dennis is heading back toward the house. well, we're probably about to get another sales pitch.

no bike until his birthday. right. dennis: i'm home. hi. hi. let's all do something. what would you like to do? let's sing a song. what song would you like to sing? happy birthday to me. now, wait a minute, dennis. your birthday isn't for another six months. well, it used to be six months, now, i'm gonna have it next wednesday. what do you mean? i'm getting a new one next wednesday. dennis, that's impossible. no, it isn't. tommy was so glad i taught him how to ride, we're trading birthdays. what color was the bike your father gave you, dear? red. come on, son. we're going shopping for a two-wheeler. oh, boy.

captioning performed by peoplesupport transcription & captioning - [voiceover] leave it to beaver.

hugh beaumont tony dow and jerry mathers

(bright orchestral music) - hi, dear. - hi. - what's that? - i brought you a little present. - what is it? - it's a crock of pickles. (audience laughs) - that whole jar is full of pickles? - oh yeah, there's only two quarts there. i stopped at a delicatessen today for a sandwich and these were on the counter. i just couldn't resist them. it's imported from holland. it's packed in a special brine. it only cost $4.75.

- ward, how are we ever going to use two quarts of pickles? - i guess we'll just have to go on a lot of picnics this summer. oh, and the girl said when the jar was empty, you could use it for flowers. - you know, i think i'm going to have to pack you a lunch after this. i don't like the idea of young girls luring you into buying pickles. - oh, she wasn't a young girl. she was a grandmother. - that's even worse. - mmm, delicious. - no, thanks. honey, wally's been waiting to talk to you. - oh, okay. - wally, dad's home. what do you want to see him about? - just something between dad and me. what do you wanna know for? - in case it was something bad, i want to hang around and listen. - it ain't bad. anyways, he's my father. i can talk to him if i wanna. - yeah, but he's my father, so i can listen if i wanna. - hi, fellas. - hi, dad. - hi, dad. - well, wally, you want to see me?

- what is it? - it's just a legal thing saying i can get a work permit. - oh, you're thinking of going to work? - yeah, the summer's coming on, and i wanna get out and get a job before they're all taken. - well, i think that's a very commendable project, don't you, beaver? - search me, dad. when i asked him about it, he told me to shut up and mind my own business. - what kind of work are you thinking of, wally? - i don't know. i thought i'd start looking tomorrow after school. - well, if you like, i could call some of my friends. maybe one of them could fit you in somewhere. - no, thanks, dad. i want a real job. not one like your father gets you. - well, fine, wally. good luck to you, and let me know if i can be of any help. - what'd wally want? - well, he wanted me to sign something so he could look for a job. - oh, dear. now it's a job. they certainly grow up fast, don't they? - they sure do.

getting married on us. - yes, then the next thing he'll be bringing home a crock of pickles to a wife of his own. (audience laughs) - not right at first, dear. you kind of have to work up to that. (beaver yelling) - what is it, beaver? - what's the matter, beaver? - oh, nothing. i just looked out the window, and wally's coming home, and he's driving some kind of funny bicycle, and he's wearing a street cleaner suit. - we'd better take a look. - well, maybe he got a job sweeping gutters. - hi, dad. - hi! well, what do we have here? - this is my new job. i'm selling igloo bars after school and all this summer. hey beaver, get your nose out of my icebox, will ya? - well, you're working already, huh? - sure, dad. i already sold three bars on the way home from the place.

but you be careful. - oh sure, mom. about what? - never mind, what about. you just be careful. - hey wally? how come they gave you a street cleaner's suit to sell ice cream? - aw, cut it out, will ya? - beaver, come on, honey, i think you'd better come in too. - yes, mom. - uh, hey dad. - yeah? - well, there's a couple of things. - what kind of things? - i gotta have a 25 dollar deposit on the bike so that i shouldn't steal it. - well, i guess i could advance you the money. - and i'm gonna need two dollars to buy dry ice. - well, i guess i could let you have that, too. of course, i'd expect you to pay me back. - oh sure, dad. i'll be you back five dollars a week out of my profits. the man says that some guys make as much as 35 dollars a week. - well, i'm sure i could risk backing an enterprising young businessman like you.

- thanks a lot, dad. (bell rings) i'll sign something if you want me to. - oh, i don't think that will be necessary, wally. - boy, wally. that's pretty good. you've only been working an hour, and you've already got 27 dollars out of dad. - yeah, but it's not as good as it sounds. i gotta give it all back. - where are the vanilla ones? - hey, beaver. get your dirty hand out of my icebox. i'm the only one that's allowed to stick my hand in there. it's a board of health law. - stick your hand in there, and get me a vanilla one. - stick your hand in your pocket, and give me 15 cents. - gee wally, i'm your brother. - i don't care i've got to pay for these at the end of the week. anyway, you've got a whole drawer full of money upstairs. - okay, be that way. i wouldn't buy an igloo bar from a guy who wouldn't give his brother a free one. - okay, i wouldn't sell you one. - okay, you know what i'm gonna do? someday when you're not around, i'm gonna stick my hand in your icebox.

- rat, rat, rat, rat, rat! (audience laughs) - say. - hi. - well, i see the igloo bicycle's not in the garage. wally out on an ice cream run already? - yes, he left right after school. beaver went along. - wally ask him? - no, beaver just went along. - (laughs) i know how that is. i used to follow my big brother around. - were you interested in what he was doing? - not particularly. - then why'd you follow him? - i knew it bothered him. - igloo bar! igloo bar! - look, beaver, do you have to follow me every place i go? - gee wally, i might run into some guys from my class, and i want them to know i got a brother who's an igloo man. - well, just keep out of the way when i'm selling stuff. it gives me the creeps. - [girl] hey, mister! mister! mister! mister! - we want a chocolate and a vanilla.

- hi, beaver. - okay, let's see now. one vanilla and one chocolate. - that's my brother selling you stuff. (giggles) - that'll be 30 cents. (giggles) - what'd you have to go and say that for? - what's the matter with you? - well, how would you like it if you had a kid brother that followed you around everywhere you went? - heck, if i had a kid brother, i wouldn't kick him around just because he liked me. - aw, beat it, and stop being such a wise guy, will ya? - igloo bars! get your ice cold igloo bars! - hey mister! - hey mister! hello, mister. i want two vanillas. my mommy says they shouldn't be melted. - okay. two vanillas. there you go. that'll be 30 cents.

she'll pay you tomorrow, like she did with the other ice cream man. - well, but kid, i... (crunches) - see you tomorrow. (audience laughs) - [wally] igloo bars! - well, look who's here in full dress uniform. it's captain igloo of the eskimo navy. - hiya, wally. - don't just stand there, creeps. salute him. - aye aye, sir! - cut it out, will ya, eddie? - what are you doing, wally? driving away genuine customers? - you guys wanna buy something? - sure, i'm treating, fellas. see what the boys in the back room will have. - i'll have a chocolate. - i'll have vanilla. - give me a pistachio, sam. - here's the chocolate, vanilla, pistachio. - gee thanks, eddie. - yeah, thanks a lot eddie. - don't mention it. (crunches) - uh, eddie? - what's up, doc?

- gee, i didn't bring any money with me today. what about trusting me until tomorrow? - gee, i don't know. i don't think i'm allowed to do that. - well, looks like we gotta put them back, boys. - um, alright, but you just make sure you pay me tomorrow, huh? - what's the matter, wally? don't you trust your best friend? - no. but i guess i'm gonna have to now. - well, carry on, admiral. (singing "anchor's aweigh") - thanks. igloo bars! get your ice cold igloo bars! (ringing bell) oh, hi, gloria. - hi, mary ellen and the other girls, we were all watching you through the window. isn't it wonderful you have such an important job? - well, i'm just starting out now. when i get old enough, i might get a truck. - a truck!

- well, i'm treating the girls, wally. and i'd like 12 bars. - 12 bars, okay. - could you put them in a box, and i'll pay you in school tomorrow? (audience laughs) - gee, gloria, that's kinda a lot of dough. - well, the girls are waiting, and my mother's not home or i'd pay you now. - well, i don't know. - wally, you don't think i'd let you down, do you? - well, i... what flavors do you want? (audience laughs) - hey wally, what ya doing? - counting my igloo money. - gee, when i count money, i usually look happy. how come you don't look happy? - nothing, i just don't have as much as i thought i did. - why don't you count it over again? sometimes it comes out more. (audience laughs) - it's just that i sold a couple of bars on credit. - how many couple of bars? - i don't know, nine or ten. it's none of your business,

- [ward] wally, telephone! - okay, dad. - hey beaver, keep your mitts off my money, huh? - gee wally, i was just trying to help you. i wouldn't touch your crummy old money. anyway, you've got it all counted. - wally! he'll be right here. - who is it, dear? - it's a mr. nibling from the igloo ice cream company. - is he a nice man? - well, he didn't say, shall i ask him? - oh, ward. - it's mr. nibling from igloo. - hello, mr. nibling? yes sir, this is cleaver. yes sir. yeah, that will be fine, sir. well, thanks for calling, mr. nibling. that was mr. nibling.

- well, he just said he's gonna bring some more igloo bars by tomorrow and he wondered if we had a place to keep 'em. do we have a place to keep 'em? - well, i suppose we could put some in the freezer. - [ward] that all mr. nibling wanted? - he just said he's gonna come by friday and collect the money. - oh, well just be sure your books balance out, boy. - yes, sir. (audience laughs) - wally looked worried, ward. - well, sure, he's an american business man. it's obligatory to look worried.

- hi, dear. - hi. - oh, did you buy out the meat market? - i'm putting things up here from the freezer. it's full of igloo bars. (audience laughs) - mr. nibling brought buy the midweek supply, huh? - uh-huh. - is he a nice man? - i don't know. i didi't ask him. (audience laughs)

- i had to pay for mine. - alright. did beaver go along with wally on the route? - uh-uh. wally said that if he did, he was gonna clomp him one. so beaver spent the whole afternoon on the telephone telling all his friends what a mean brother he has. - what are you doing with my pickles? - hi dad, hi mom. - hi, beav. - mom, could i have something to eat? - how would you like an igloo bar? i'll pay for it. - nuh-uh, i wouldn't eat one of those crummy igloo bars of wally's even if i was starving out in the desert and my tongue was hanging out. - care for a pickle, beaver? - gee dad, what happened in there? (audience laughs) - well, nothing, beaver. - i think i'll have a salami sandwich. (audience laughs)

- i thought you liked those, dear. - so did i. - hey beaver, i thought i told you to leave me alone. - dad said this is as much my room as it is yours, and if you don't let me stay in here, he's gonna come up and hit you. - he didn't say that. - what are you doing, calling dad a liar? - dry up, will ya? i'm having trouble. mr. nibling from the ice cream company is coming to collect tomorrow. and i'm $3.75 short. - tough. - yeah, not only that. i'm not gonna be able to pay dad back the five dollars i promised him every week for the bike. - tougher. - hey beaver.

how about if you lend me some dough, huh? - why should i? - 'cause i'm short. - you're not short from giving me free ice cream. you're short from giving your crummy friends free ice cream. - boy, beaver, you're a rat. - yeah, but i'm a rat with nine dollars. - okay, you be a rat with nine dollars. - i'm gonna collect that money back from my friends tomorrow. (humming) (bright orchestral music) - hi, mom. - hi, beav. - what ya doing? - dicing carrots. - how come you gotta chop them up? when we eat them we chew them up anyways. - well, don't you like your food to look appetizing? - huh-uh. i just want it to be ready when i want it. - want some milk? - okay. did larry call me today? - no, the only call was for wally.

is gonna pick wally's money up today. - boy, is he gonna be surprised. - what do you mean by that? - oh nothing, mom. it's just something that slips out of me, like when i got the hiccups. - gee eddie, that's only a quarter. you owe me 45. - and i told you, sam, that's all i got. what do you want me to do, rob bank or something? - well, you could ask your father. - you're kidding. - why couldn't you? - listen, last night at supper all i asked for was an extra piece of pie. and he started giving me a lecture on the national debt. - okay, eddie, okay. - but little boy, two days ago i gave you two free igloo bars. don't you remember? - uh-uh. - well, sure you do. and then you said that your mother didn't have any change and she'd pay me back tomorrow. - i don't remember you, mister. i just remember the other ice cream man. - little boy.

- wait a minute. - gee wally, i just don't have a $1.80. - but look, gloria, you said you'd pay me back in school and you didn't. - but i just spent the last of my allowance getting my hair fixed. you wouldn't want me going around looking like an old witch, would you? - well, let's not get in a whole big thing. couldn't you just go ask your mother for it? - oh no, wally. she'd be mad because i'm not allowed to borrow money. - oh. - but i'm sure it wouldn't hurt a big business man like you to carry poor little old me on your books. - well, i don't have any books, but i guess i'm gonna have to carry poor little old you. - wally, you're cute. - yeah, sure. - hello, wally. - hi, wally. - hi mom, hi dad. was mr. nibling here from the ice cream company? - oh yes, a long time ago. he picked up your money, and he said

- but, gee whiz, where'd he get my money from? - beaver got it for him. he said he knew it was in your top drawer. - boy, what a dirty trick to do. - all beaver did was help. now, why is wally acting like that? - dear, if i knew why teenagers act the way they do, i'd write a book and make a fortune. - alright, you little wise guy. - hi, wally. - how come you went and gave mr. nibling my ice cream money? - well, 'cause he came here and i gave it to him. - but you knew i was $3.75 short, and if i'd been here, i could have explained it to him. now he's gonna call me back and fire me and everything. boy, what a little rat you are, you oughta... what's this? - well, it's a recipe mr. nibling gave me. - "paid in full"?

hey beaver, you didn't make up the difference, did you? - well, i kinda put some of my money in. - how come? last night you were sore at me. called me a rat and everything. - i know, but i knew the man would be mad at you, 'cause you didn't have all of his money. i don't mind you looking like a rat to me, but i don't like you being a rat to other people. besides, i was more mad than i was sore. - i'm sorry, beaver, but we'll figure it out. - when i get married and have a wife, you're still not gonna be hanging around me then, are ya? - huh-uh, you might marry a mean lady, and she might not like me. and she might put poison in my food! - i wouldn't let her do that. - yeah, i know. but i don't wanna hang around you when you're big a married. i just wanna hang around you

- ok beaver, i don't care how big of a pest you are.

- hey dad, i been kinda wanting to talk to you you both have a perfect driving record. >>perfect. no tickets. no accidents... >>that is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. >>yup... now, you would think your insurance company would cut you some slack, right? >>no. your insurance rates go through the roof. >>anything. perfect! for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. and if you do have an accident, our claim centers are available to assist you 24/7. for a free quote, call liberty mutual at switch to liberty mutual and

call today at see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. about that five dollars i owe you from last week on the bike. - oh, well, i've been kinda waiting for you to speak to me about it. - yeah, well, i'm doing a lot better on the route now, and i ought to be able to start paying you and the beaver back this week. - did you borrow money from the beaver, too? - yeah, sort of. i kinda got goofed up giving a lot of people credit. - do you think that was wise, wally? - well, when i was doing it,

- how about when you tried to collect? - well, then they didn't think i was so neat. - you know, wally, there's a quotation from shakespeare that kinda fits in here. "neither a borrower nor a lender be, "for loan oft loses both itself and friend." - gee, they made us read that in school, but i just thought we read that old-fashioned stuff for credits. i never thought you could learn anything from it. - oh, wally, shakespeare has lived because he wrote about real people and real problems. - yeah, you know, i never knew a guy that wrote junk about hamlet could ever help me sell igloo bars. (audience laughs)

- [voiceover] leave it to beaver! starring: barbara billingsley,

tony dow, and jerry mathers as the beaver.

(mid-tempo orchestral music) - well dear, this is a lovely breakfast, isn't it wally? - oh yeah, dad, it's real lovely. - well, thank you both. - uh, hey dad, could i buy eddie's father's rowing machine? - oh, is his father thinking of selling his rowing machine? - well, no, he doesn't know anything about it, but eddie wants to sell it. (light audience laughter) - eddie'd better get his father's permission. - well, no, he doesn't mess around with the rowin' machine anymore. eddie said he used it once and had to go to bed for a week. (audience laughter)

this is the sort of thing we should, uh, think over. - well, sure dad, i'll tell eddie it's no deal. - fine. hey, uh, isn't beaver coming down for breakfast? - oh, he ate early. he wanted to be sure and get to school on time. - boy, isn't that just like a kid, dad? - yeah, isn't it, wally? - beaver's excited because miss landers coming back today for the first time. you know she's been out ill for two weeks. - yeah, and he's really been worried about her. every night in his prayers, after he says god bless his goldfish, he sticks her in there. (audience laughter) - goodbye mom, goodbye dad. i'm gonna meet the school bus at the corner. - well, i guess you're pretty excited about your teacher coming back today, huh? - yeah, our whole class is gonna surprise her and read our poem. - what's the poem about? - we don't know, we all gave judy hensler words and she was going to put 'em together in a poem last night. goodbye mom, goodbye dad. - goodbye. - have a nice day. - okay. - hey dad, if eddie's pop gives him permission to sell the rowin' machine, could i buy it?

- well, uh, i could develop my muscles, and then if i went to a college that had a crew, i could go out for it. - what if you went to a college that didn't have a crew? - i don't know. i uh, i guess i'd be stuck with all those muscles. (laughs) (audience laughter) (mid-tempo orchestral music) - so what's this, judy, do you have something to read? - yes, miss landers. the whole class gave me the words and i put them together in a poem. - oh, well that's fine. - welcome back, miss landers, we're glad to have you here. while you were sick at home in bed, we all shed many a tear. (light audience laughter) we hoped you would get better, and we'd see you by and by, and we're all so very, very glad that you did not die. (audience laughter)

- (class together) you're welcome, miss landers. - now, don't you think we should get down to work? (sprightly orchestral music) - i do, miss landers. - i've been thinking, children, and i believe we should all read another book before the end of the term. yes, whitey? - do we have to read a thin book or a fat book? well, you can read whatever book you want, whitey, but i have a list of suggestions here. uh, would you pass the rest of these out, please? - yes, miss landers. - miss landers? - yes, theodore. - could we read the book for fun, or you gonna ask us questions on it? - well, i think i'll ask a few questions just to make sure you've read it for fun. - yes, miss landers. (deliberate orchestral music) - here comes connie, hoppy the kangaroo, little claude, and penny bobbins.

he wondered if you had any of them in here. - why, i hardly think so, uh, hoppy the kangaroo's just not the kind of book i like to curl up with. (audience laughter) - little claude, penny bobbins. they sound so cute. - cute? whatever happened to all the real boys' books i used to read? you know, two years before the mast, or last of the mohicans, or call of the wild? didn't you used to read books like that? - i'm afraid not, dear. strongest thing they ever let me read was dorothy vernon of haddon hall. - well, i think i'll see if i can't find him something a little more manly than here comes connie. ahhh, here we are, there. there's the very book. sir walter scott's ivanhoe. (mid-tempo orchestral music) - yeah, it's a neat-lookin' book, dad, but what's an ivanhoe? (light audience laughter) - well, um, ivanhoe was a knight. - oh, like prince valiant and the fights.

you see, these knights fought to defend their, uh, code of honor, and they, oh, they rode all over the countryside avenging wrongs and protecting the weak. - yeah, my history teacher says that in between times, they ate like pigs. (audience laughter) - well, wally. - well, sure they did. they ate on these big wooden tables, and they had their dogs runnin' around underneath the table so they could wipe their hands on 'em. - boy, could we get a dog to do somethin' like that, dad? - well, people lived differently then, beaver, uh, but it was a time of great adventure and excitement. i know you're gonna like ivanhoe. - well, i guess so, dad, but it sure is a lot better than hoppy the kangaroo. (audience laughter) (door opens, closes) - hey wally? does this guy really kill a lot of guys? - well, sure, then he gets in this big tournament with eight or nine guys, and he goes around spearin' 'em off their horses like marshmallows. - and everybody eats like a pig?

- boy, wally, this sounds like the neatest book i ever read. (audience laughter) (lighthearted orchestral music) - dear, i wish you'd speak to beaver before he goes to school. he was up again late last night reading that ivanhoe. - well, i don't want him missing his sleep, but i'm glad he's interested in the book. - well, he certainly is. you know, yesterday afternoon, he and whitey were out in the backyard dueling with sticks and garbage pail lids? - (laughs) that's just what i used to do. a garbage pail lid makes a wonderful shield. - well, when whitey got home, his mother called up and wanted to know what he'd been playing in. (audience laughter) (lighthearted orchestral music) (grunts rhythmically) - cut it out, will you, beaver? who do you think you are, cornell wilde or something? - i'm just bein' ivanhoe, and i'm slewin' a whole bunch of bad guys. (knocks) - well, come on, hurry up fellas, you don't wanna be late.

- oh. - well, i got lots of time, dad. i'm meetin' the bus up on grant avenue. - yeah, uh, say beaver, (clears throat), i'm very glad you like ivanhoe, but i don't want you staying up beyond your bedtime reading it. - oh, sure, dad, and thanks for making me read it. i don't care if i ever read hoppy the kangaroo now. (audience laughter) - well, when you're finished with this one, i can find you another book about knights. - you know dad, this neat guy ivanhoe was all the time, was savin' girls and rescuin' ladies. - well, of course, beaver, that was a part of the code of knighthood, defending women. - well, cowboys do that, too, the ones with the white hats. - yes, they do. uh, you see beaver, protecting womanhood has always been sort of the, well, the manly thing to do. - yeah, i guess so, dad. up until i read ivanhoe, i never cared much what happened to girls. (audience laughter) (door opens, closes)

- hi dog. whose dog are you, dog? i know whose dog you are. you're mr. miller's dog. - you stop that right away, do you hear? - you keep quiet or i'm liable to sock you. (audience laughter) - hey, you cut that out, you! - who asked you? - don't you got a respect for women? - aw, what women? - that woman you just pushed down on the ground. - you'd better not do that again. - oh, yeah? - yeah. (audience laughter) - oh! oh! help! help, help! fight, fight! help! fight, fight! somebody help! help! - okay, okay fellas, come on, all right, come on, get up here, now, come on all right, break it up, break it up, now what's going on here? - well, this kid--

- that's right, we were just standing here and this kid came along and started my brother for no reason at all. - well, i hit him 'cause he was beatin' her up! - he was not, you're just a dirty old bully, that's what you are. - all right, that's enough. cleaver, you go to the back of the bus and sit down and ride there. son, you and your sister ride in front of the bus. - okay. let's go, sis! (audience laughter) - what's gotten into you, cleaver? - i don't know, mr. crawford, but i sure wish i'd read hoppy the kangaroo. (audience laughter) (bouncy orchestral music) - that's right, ward, i sent beaver up to his room as soon as he got home from school. miss landers called and it seems he got in a fight at the bus stop the first thing this morning. - a fight? did he win? - what's that got to do with it? - oh, uh, nothing i guess, uh, i was just curious. - miss landers was very upset. it seems he just walked up

- oh, i don't think he'd do anything like that. must have been something that was building up for a long time. that other kid's probably a bully. - no! beaver never even saw the boy before. he's from that new family that just moved in over on grant avenue and it was his first morning on the bus. - well, did beaver have any explanation? - well, the only thing i could get out of him was something about defending womanhood. (audience laughter) - oh. - ward, do you know something about this? - well, i uh, (clears throat), i hope i'm wrong, dear, but i'm afraid sir walter scott and i gave our son a bum steer. (audience laughter)

(slow orchestral music) - hey, wally, dad's been home for ten whole minutes. how come he hasn't come up and started yelling at me yet? - heck, beaver, gettin' in a fight's a big thing. first mom and dad have gotta talk it over and decide how they're gonna be mean to ya.

- hey, beaver, before the bus driver broke up the fight, were you winnin'? - i don't know, you can never tell till the fight's over with. (knocking) (door opens) - well, hello beaver. - hi, dad. - uh, would you like me to go downstairs and find something to do, dad? - no, no, wally, you can uh, you can stick around. - (sighs) well, beaver, i understand you got yourself in a little scrape this morning. - yes sir, but i was just trying to be an ivanhoe. - well, beaver, suppose you tell me just what did happen. - well, i saw this kid hittin' this girl, and you said about defendin' women, so i started sockin' him, and all of a sudden, i'm in big trouble with miss landers. - yeah, dad, he thought the kid was bein' mean. he didn't know he was only hittin' his sister. (audience laughter) - (clears throat) well, uh, beaver, it seems your heart was in the right place and your intentions were certainly correct.

how come everybody's mad at me? - well, beaver, i guess they just didn't understand. i tell you what, i'll call miss landers and see if i can't explain the circumstances to her. (melancholy orchestral music) (school bell rings) - well now, just a minute, class. before i dismiss you for recess, there's something i want to say about the incident that happened on the bus yesterday. - now you're gonna get it. - it seems that theodore and the new boy in the fifth grade had a disagreement. - i was there, miss landers, and i saw the whole thing. beaver had him down on the ground, and was hittin' him, 'cause he's a big bully. - judy! - i was just tryin' to help on account of you bein' sick. - i think i can handle this matter myself, judy. now, beaver saw this boy hitting his sister, and when beaver came along, well all he tried to do was protect her.

now, i don't approve of fighting to solve all of our problems, but, well, in this case, i think beaver's actions were gallant and chivalrous, and i'm sure that ivanhoe and sir galahad would've been proud of his motives. (whimsical orchestral music) (door slams) - hi, mom. - hi, wally. - the deal's off. - what deal? - the deal to buy eddie's father's rowin' machine. - oh. what happened? - well, eddie's father told him that if he caught him selling one more thing out of that attic, he's gonna kill him dead. - well, isn't that nice? - hey, mom, did dad straighten out the mess with beaver at school? - yes, he called miss landers. - it seems your brother was defending a young lady. - yeah, he told me, defendin' women. you know somethin' mom, we're gonna have to start watchin' that kid. (audience laughter)

(door opens, closes) - hi, beav. - hi, wally. - hey, how come you're doin' your homework in the middle of the day? - oh, this isn't my homework. i'm making up a knighthood oath. - yeah? what for? - well, 'cause miss landers says i was like ivanhoe, so i'm gonna make an oath, and have guys join up as knights. i might even charge 'em 10 cents apiece to make 'em knights. - hey, what's that thing up there on top? - oh, that's my coat of arms. - boy, what a crummy lookin' coat of arms. - it is not! i cut if off of a bottle of ginger ale. - you wanna hear my oath? - i'm not payin' a dime to hear it. - oh, that's all right. - i hereby swear thee to be a true and noble knight. - hey, you forgot the "k" on knight. - oh, yeah, i get mixed up with the other kind of night.

and to defend all kinds of women, and slew dragons and right wrongs and help the poor. - hey, beav, if you're gonna be doin' all this good stuff, when are you gonna have time to go to school? - cut it out, wally, this is real serious. and be a loyal subject of my soverage lord. - what's that "soverage" stuff in there? - oh, that's like if you're a king, you're a soverage. - oh, i think i know what you mean. you mean sovereign. - no, i mean soverage. no such word as sovereign. - oh, that's not bad. hey, where'd you get this oath? - well, i got some of it out of my head, and i got some of it out of ivanhoe. - you know, that's pretty good, a kid your age thinkin' of goin' out and doin' all that good stuff. - yeah, and you know somethin'? if i get ten knights in my club, i'll have a whole dollar. (whimsical orchestral music) - bye, dear. - oh, bye.

- what deal? - wally's not gonna buy eddie's father's rowing machine. - oh. - if eddie sells it, he says his father's gonna kill him dead. honey, you really think eddie's father says those things? - knowing eddie, yes. - dear? wasn't beaver's knighthood oath cute? - yeah, he's gonna organize his own round table, right all the wrongs in mayfield. wouldn't get a spirit like that out of penny bobbins. (audience laughter) - and help the poor... - and help the poor.. - and be a loyal subject of my soverage lord. - and be a loyal subject of my soverage lord. - all right, woody, you're a knight. - yeah, here's my dime. - boy, that's pretty neat. are you guys really gonna do all that stuff? - sure we are, and we're gonna take care of bad guys and have tournaments and everything. - i'll bring my money tomorrow. it's worth a dime to to be in a real tournament. - you're goofy, beaver, that's just a whole lotta made-up junk. - well it is not! we're gonna do all that stuff,

- well, i don't even know clyde appleby. i don't know if i should do anything like that. - it's just like i thought. you're nothin' but a chicken-knight! - i am not! - you are, too! - well, i am not! and after school, i'll show you the chicken-knight! won't i, whitey? - you sure will, beaver! (audience laughter) (light orchestral music) - there's clyde appleby, over there! - he's the one in the middle. - yeah, i guess we can take care of him, huh whitey? - i don't know, i just joined up. this time, you show me how it works.

(mid-tempo orchestral woodwinds) - hey, are you clyde appleby? - yeah, i'm clyde appleby. - well, i wanna talk to you. - oh, yeah? (audience groans and laughs) - yeah, i wanna tell you to stop stepping on guys' marbles. - well, i don't know what you mean. - steppin' on guys' marbles! - oh, you got a marble? - yeah, right here. (descending orchestral woodwinds) - you mean like that? - yeah, i don't want you doin' that anymore. - yeah, you'd better not, 'cause he's a knight and he'll fix you good. - yeah. - aah, go on. (audience laughter)

(children taunt and clamor) - right in the stomach! (children clamor) (audience laughter) - anybody home? - yeah, dad, we're up here. mom's patching up the beaver. (audience laughter) (mischievous orchestral music) (door opens) - well, what happened? did he fall down? - he did not, he had another fight. - yeah, dad, he was runnin' around makin' like ivanhoe, and some guy clobbered him. - another fight? well, beaver, this is getting ridiculous! - sure is, dad. - and wally says the other boy was twice as big as beaver. - yeah, and he's a real tough guy. - well, beaver, what in the world did you fight him for?

i woulda had to fight him if he was eight feet tall. - ward, i have my dinner cooking. don't you think it's about time you put a stop to this? - yes, dear. - awww, you poor little dear. (light audience laughter) (door closes) - well, beaver, i feel quite a bit to blame for all this. - it's okay, dad, i guess this ivanhoe stuff just doesn't work anymore. - well, beav, the virtues are still good, but the violence isn't. (sighs) - uh, wally, don't you have something else to do? - no sir. (clears throat) - yes, well anyway, uh, beaver, you see in those days, people weren't quite so civilized, and uh, lots of times they, well, they had to fight to get justice. - well, sure, beav, the only way to prove you were a good guy was to kill people.

helpin' people and makin' bad guys be good? - oh, yes, beaver, but, but they should do it through the proper authorities, so, not by taking the law into their own hands. - yeah, dad, i guess you're right. - and uh, son, in the future, uh, just try to remember that discretion is the better part of valor. - yes sir. (lighthearted orchestral music) - hey, wally, what did dad mean by that last thing? - well, that's just a fancy way of sayin' not to fight with big guys. (audience laughter) (whimsical orchestral music)

- i'm putting ivanhoe up here on the top shelf where he won't cause any more trouble. - well, i guess kids have always tried to put into practice what they read in books. - yes, but they don't always have a father that encourages them. - well now, we were both pretty proud of him when he was defending womanhood. just when he tangled with clyde appleby that the theory collapsed. - i know, dear. i remember when i was in boarding school, i used to sit in my room for hours, pretending i was some heroine of a book i'd read. once it was lorna doone and little women, becky sharp. - did your teachers understand? - no, i don't think so. all they ever did was give me cod liver oil. (audience laughter) (low-key orchestral music) - hey, wally? - what? - are you asleep?

- well, i was just thinkin'. outside of gettin' beat up, it would have been neat to live in the olden days in a great big castle with a moat around it, and get to wear armor, and get to throw your food around. - oh, heck beaver, it wasn't all fun in the olden days. they didn't have any heat in those castles, or running water or anything, and guys were always gettin' conked off by the black plague, or gettin' their heads chopped off because they stole a loaf of bread. how would you like it if you were walkin' to school, and you met up with a fire-breathin' dragon face to face? - yeah, i guess the only way you have fun in the olden days is to read about it. - yeah. - goodnight, wally. - goodnight, ivanhoe. (audience laughter) (triumphant orchestral music)

[ dishwasher clanging ]

my goodness. [ clanging stops ] ugh. well, while everyone's at the ball, cinderella toils. excuse me. have you cleaned the chimney yet? no. that's on tomorrow's schedule. oh, samantha, why don't you face the truth? that husband of your you've been married all these years, and you're still living in this hovel. mother, a hovel is in the eyes of the beho and when it comes to ambition, darrin has more sam, have i got -- well, you're not dressed yet. you'll b i'm not going to work today. i just called larry and told him i'm taking the morning off. i've decided to play a relaxed nine holes of golf instead.

sam, have i got any clean golf shirts? yes. they're right over here. i just finished them. good. i'll go up and change. i can't hardly wait to try out those new irons i bought. he has his irons, and you have yours. mother. and you're certainly right about his drive. it's taking h mother, a man like darrin, who works with ideas, doesn't have to sit behind a desk. an inspiration can strike him anywhere. really? i wish i was an inspiration. i'd strike him right in the -- mother! knock it off. blind. blind as a... woman in love. oh! why, oh, why, can't she see that dum-dum is going no place fast? what he needs is a dose of ambition. yes.

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well, good afternoon. what are you doing in my office? i was about to have the furniture removed. i thought you'd quit. larry, there's no reason to get snide. i told you i was gonna play golf this morning. i was half asleep when you called. feel that. feels like a tennis racket. that's not just a tennis racket, it's a braddock racket. braddock quality is unsurpassed. the workmanship can't be duplicated at any price. handling this account has been one of the biggest pushovers i've ever had. don't you ever give up? what do you mean? i've already told you, i can't take on the braddock account. i just don't have time. well, i wasn't no? good. but i'd still like to hear one good reason why you can't.

darrin, will you stop kidding around and give me one good reason? i just gave you plenty of good reasons. wait a minute. i'm finally getting it. you want a raise. no. i don't want a raise. how much of a raise? oh, come on, larry. darrin, i'll be honest with you. i haven't been doing too well with braddock. he's a little younger than i am -- the athletic type. so, i think you two would hit it off a lot better. that's the only reason i wanted you to handle it. so, will you take a couple of hours and think about it? a mogul, a magnate, a ruthless big deal. ambition and power is what you now feel. wait a minute, larry. i've just thought it over. i'll take it. you will? how come you changed your mind?

because it's an important account. because you are my chief... and because of the raise. raise? what raise? larry. oh, that raise. we'll talk about it. ah-ah-ah. talk is cheap. my raise won't be. we'll talk about it when we see how you hit it off with braddock. i have a lunch date with him today, and you're invited. i'll be there with bells on. just come as you are. betty, bring in the file on the braddock account, and while you're at it, bring in the personal folder on braddock himself. [ ding! ] yes, sir. leave it to me. looks like a nice chap -- clean-cut, fit. oh, they don't come any cleaner-cut or fitter.

braddock sporting goods likes to use men who look like they use their products. yes, sir. fitness counts. uh, darrin stephens, this is bob braddock. mr. braddock, good to meet you. sorry i'm late, but gym, you know. jim who? i told you i was gonna work out at the gym before lunch. oh, that gym. sure. as i always say, mens sana in corpore sano. that's funny. that's always been my motto. is that right? terrific motto. mens sana in. in corpore sano. [ chuckles ] a healthy mind and a healthy body. oh. that is terrific! how about a cocktail? in the middle of the day? [ scoffs ]

you know, i'll bet you and me are the onl who don't drink in the afternoon. make that three men. you know, you look so familiar, mr. braddock. missouri, '53? [ chuckling ] oh, no. wisconsin, '47. oh. let me guess -- basketball. track -- ran the 100. no kidding. so did i. what was your time? what was yours? 10.2. mine was 10.3. beat ya. [ laughter ] excuse me, mr. tate, there's a telephone call for you. oh. be right back. he's a nice guy. larry? oh, he's a prince. the thing i l is he's not a credit grabber. if we score wit you know, mr. braddock -- bob. bob. in my opinion, larry tate's one of the best executives i've ever known. well, a good executive

larry's the main reason i stay at mcmann & tate. there's no greater satisfaction in the world than being needed. you know, you're quite a guy yourself, stephens. i'm surprised tat well, i'm satisfied just to do the work and let larry reap the benefit. that's strange -- when i got to the phone, no one don't worry about that. you left me in very good hands. mcmann & tate has the best hands in the business. you mean you hire the best hands in the business. [ laughing ] [ chuckles ] sam? hi, sweetheart. hi. i have regards for you from louise and mrs. mcmann. oh, yeah -- the lunch. how did it go? did they have anything to say about me? what makes you think we talked about you? oh, i just assumed you'd bring the subject up. making an impression on the bosses' wives doesn't hurt.

oh, just half-kidding. how was the lunch speaking of lunch, i took over the braddock account today, and by the end of lunch, i had him in my back pocket. hey, that's great. darrin, do you know we raised over $3,000 -- i forgot to mention that braddock told larry he doesn't want anybody in the shop but me to handle the account. that's terrific. we haven't even counted the mail pledges yet, and -- i forgot the most important thing -- larry's giving me a raise. sam, i tell you -- there's no stopping me. apparently not. but do you think you we're having chicken. that reminds me -- that raise larry gave me is just chicken feed. why should i have to sit around and wait for crumbs? the chicken is breaded, if that'll help. sam, i'm going to invite the mcmanns over to dinner tomorrow night. the braddock account is just the beginning.

this is the age of conglomerates. you start with one company and you merge with another and then you're a big company. then you take your big company and you merge with another big company, and -- darrin, you if you'll excuse me, i'll start dinner. sam, you're gonna have everything your heart desires. everything except someone to have dinner with. mother, may i congratulate you? this is one of the nastiest spells you have ever put on darrin. now, i'm trying to be nice about this... but if you prefer, i'll start yelling. mother! [ ding! ] oh, i'm exhausted. [ exhales heavily i don't want to hear about it. i planted a broom up there. it's ours now. and meanwhile, down here, darrin has become a power-driven monster. a little dose of ambition won't hurt him.

mother, believe me when i tell you, you have overdone it a lot. darrin is so power-mad that he hasn't even or have dinner with his wife. oh, samantha. there'll be plenty of time for hellos and dinners when derwin is a multimillionaire. till then, ta-ta. mother, wait! i can't, darling. i'm due in the decontamination chamber. [ ding! ] oh! mother! mother!!

i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e it's a mystery all is love is love ow! ooh ooh... [howling] announcer: for great play ideas, visit www.smallstep.gov. larry tate, don't be late. call mcmann. he holds your fate. aw, you're so uptight, larry. why don't we go to a movie and relax? good idea. we haven't seen a good... [ ding! ] ...mcmann in weeks. a what? the mcmanns.

why don't we call t but we always fight when we play bridge. we also fight when we're not playing bridge. call them. gin and tonic for you, mrs. mcmann. thank you. mm-hmm. and, mr. mcmann, double scotch and water, right? right. and drink this one more slowly, howard. uh, larry tells me that you are handling the braddock account and doing a m oh, thank you, sir. of course, i'm not doing half the job larry could have done 15 years ago when he was a ball of fire. yes, larry was tops in his time. oh, he's good now, too. he has marvelous ideas, and the fact that they're a little old-fashioned just adds to our image of stability. yeah. yeah, you got a point there. i'll get some more hors d'oeuvres. but on the other hand,

with young, vital people. i mean, like yourself. of course he has. larry's done everything possible to keep up with the times, and he's done quite well... very well, most of the time. i wonder if maybe larry needs a rest. he's not lookin he certainly deserves a vacation -- maybe a good long one. let the young people take over. men like you, darrin. as a matter of fact, why not you yourself? howard, i'm shocked. sam, did you hear that? yes, i did, and i'm just as shocked as you are. care for a pig in a blanket? no, thanks. mr. mcmann? oh, no, thank you. [ doorbell rings ] i'll get it. excuse me.

larry, louise. [ stammering ] i wasn't expecting you. i know. we were just in the neighborhood. thought we'd drop in for a drink. hi, larry, louise. come right on in. thank you, sam. don't you look lovely? hey, louise, look who's here -- the mcmanns. you look lovely, margaret. margaret: thank you. howard, how nice to see you. well, larry, what a coincidence. i was just about to suggest to darrin that we get together and have a meeting tomorrow morning. sure. what about? uh, how about a drink, larry? don't mind if i do. what would you like, louise? oh, scotch and soda would be nice. freshen mine up, too, darrin. make it another double, not so much water. as a matter of fact, forget the water. wasn't that luncheon smashing today? excuse me, honey. i had absolutely... what the devil are you up to, anyway? larry, i've made some decisions.

why we have to wait till tomorrow to discuss it. there are gonna be some big changes at mcmann & tate's. first -- [ ding! ] mother, you are destroying a friendship and a business association, and i don't think that's what you had in mind. [ ding! ] mother! oh! i was broncobusting in texas when you called. but it's just as well. the only thing i was busting was my -- mother. please spare me the explanations. just lift the spell. oh, all right. if you insist on being so completely provincial and narrow-minded, suit yourself. ugh! elephants trumpet, bees buzz. make dum-dum the little old grudge he was. so long, y'all. [ ding! ]

[ ding! ] [ clears throat ] sam, what happened? you were about to throw larry to the wolves. yes. i was, wasn't i? you had almost convinced mr. mcmann that larry is a doddering old fool and you are the perfect man to replace him. i didn't say he was a doddering old fool. let's not nitpick. the truth is you were under a spell, and if you had listened to me earlier, you would have realized it. what are we gonna do? well, you dug yourself into this trap, let's see how many strokes you need to get out. [ tinkles ] you were saying? uh, stephens and i were talking about the fact that the biggest part of the market today... excuse me, honey.

and, conseque uh, who would be more perfect in that... than you, larry. if there's one thing i've always admired, it's the way you've kept in step with the times. me? well, i-i try. oh, larry. you have a wonderfully youthful outl why, thank you. i'm confused. we were discussing the necessity of young people as more active in the agency, and, of course, in line with that... right, mr. mcmann. the young people should have a greater voice, and thank goodnes that that greater voice doesn't go wild. i seem to have missed something. see, the basic principle of advertising never changes -- get their attention and tell them why your product is better than the next guy's.

this is amazing. howard, now you see what i go through with this young genius. don't try to make any sense out of what he says, just look at the results. well, i-i guess that's what's it at. [ stammering ] way it is. huh? right. well, uh, i don't know about that, but, um, it's time to serve dinner. oh, we'd better be going. don't be silly. you're staying to dinner. oh, no, no, no, no. we're not going to barge in. you're not barging in. oh, yes, we are. but if you can't barge in on an old friend, where can you? right, old friend? right. [ chuckles ] you son of a gun. louise, why don't you sit there? oh, sweetheart, would you get the... did i say amazing? yes, dear, you did. well, i meant revolting. but if those two guys act crazy about each other,

would you like another drink, mr. mcmann oh, no, thanks, but i do think i better eat something. right this way.

so, you've finally come to your senses. you're leaving derwood. i always said that my little girl would come back to me. i am not leaving darrin. you're not? no. i'm leaving wi courtesy of larry tate. it's a bonus for his work on the braddock account. we're leaving as soon as esmeralda gets here. [ scoffs ] you ready yet? oh, the cloud in my silver lining. has sam told you about the trip?

uh, mother, i forgot. guess what darrin bought me. a new mop? a magnificent new yacht. really? well, that is a surprise. you see, my zin when do i get to see it? right now if you'd like. now? where is it docked? [ chuckles ] right over here. oh. it's nothing but a toy. it's unsinkable, unsailable... and unbelievable. and the only kind of yacht i care to own. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com [ ding! ] hi, little cousin! oh, serena! you made me lose my spoon. i'll get it for you.

ew. thanks a lot. what kind of poti beef stew for tonight's dinner. how dreary. don't bother asking don't worry. ...because i am dining in paris at maxime's. i'm impressed. oh, cousin, i have as a matter of fact, i have just been elected entertainment chairman of the cosmos cotillion. really? who rigged the election? i did. [ laughs ] sam, i'm home uh, serena, if you're flying to paris, hadn't you better fly? oh, i have plent i'm not due for 20 minutes. besides, i'd like to stay and say hello to tall, dark, and mortal. i'd rather you wouldn't.

hi, there, cousin-in-law! well, serena, what an unexpected shock. ooh! well, look who you brought with you. little peter cotton top. [ laughs ] hi, serena. hi. sam. hi, larry. how are you? i'm feeling great, and i owe it all to darrin "he's done again" stephens. what did he do this time? i just closed a deal for breeze shampoo to sponsor a television special starring boyce and hart. boyce and hart! hey, that's great. who's boyce and hart? they're a very hot young singing team. they're happening, they're now -- they're expensive, but they're worth it. sam, i don't often admit my mistakes. but in this case, i must say i was totally against the idea, and darrin went right over my head and convinced breeze shampoo to go after the youth market.

i'd be glad to. i meant samantha. you know something, larry? those baby-blue eyes of yours kind of turn m larry, why don't we take our drinks into the den, and we can go over the details? uh, larry? [ smooches ]

[ rock music pl she would have stayed till who knows when [ horn honks ] here they come! [ screaming ] you know, bob, that's unbelievable. that's the 17th shirt i've lost this w you know what hap some fans broke into my ferrari and messed up my mink upholstery. it only proves one thing. the public loves you. now sit down. i want to give you my idea for a national chain of boyce and hart shish-kebab stands. step aside, ladies. step aside. [ indistinct complaining ]

sorry, lady. no visitors unless your name is on the pass list. look for the name serena. i looked when i came on duty, and there's look again. [ ding! ] i guess i need a new pair of orbs. [ girls screaming ] whoa! hold it! hold it! each skewer of shish kebab costs us 32 cents, but we sell it for a $1.05 plus tax. hi, tommy. hi, bobby. who are you, and how did you get in? i'm serena, and i have influence. who are you? i'm chick cashman. i'm the boys' personal manager and treasurer of their swiss corporation. would you like an autograph? no, than how about a torn shirt? no, thanks. i would like you to perform at a dance. where? in a place so beautiful, it is out of this world, and i provide the transportation.

in my circle, it is. the understatement of the century. okay, mr. treasurer. you just name a price, and i'll print it -- [ laughs ] i mean i'll pay it. when is your dance being held? a week from saturday night. they can't make it. my artists are booked every single saturday from now until 1976. then do some juggling. it's impossible. i'll pay them double their normal fee. it's a deal. uh, sweetie, may i buy you a drink? oh! i'll pay them triple. as an added incentive, i'll let them sing a song i wrote. i think it's better than what they've been doing. the title is -- i should have known. another song plugger. serena, it's been nice meeting you, and goodbye. are you asking me to leave? no, i'm not asking you to leave. i'm demanding. i see. i guess i'll just have to show you fellas

great. do you leave quietly, or do we have to throw you out? i am never thrown out. and i never leave quietly. i stalk out in a huff, and then i get revenge! i think i'll turn them into snakes. no. on second thought, we had singing snakes at the cotillion last year. [ ding! ] [ dramatic music on television ] serena: this program is interrupted to bring you a sigalert from serena. [ ding! ] hi, sammy! hi, dreary. traffic is heavy on the corner of boyce and hart due to an accident which is about to take unless they straighten out.

[ ding! ] [ ding! ] unless sammy's hubby comes to their aid. now that you're out, would you mind getting off our carpet? samantha: darrin, mind your manners. serena, what's this about boyce and hart? i am here on a mission of mercy. they were rude to me. i'm gonna hate myself for asking, but when did you se just now. i asked them to entertain at the cosmos cotillion, and their manager kicked me out. you asked them to entertain at the cosmos cotillion? yes. what's a cosmos cotillion? well, uh... it's sort of a dinner dance. [ laughs ] sam, would you sort of get her out of here? i'll try. oh! that's the thanks i get for being sweet. sure -- the original ms. nice guy.

or would you prefer to be the hero and tell them that you will not use them on your television show unless they sing my song at my cotillion? sam, will you do something before i say something? it's called "i'll blow you a kiss in the wind." a little guitar. [ ding! ] a little atmosphere. and it wails like this. [ rock music plays ] wherever you are tonight a feeling tells me that you look out of sight so i'm gonna blow you a kiss in the wind and when it reaches your lips, my dear you're gonna smile and feel me oh, so near so i'm gonna blow you a kiss in the wind

[ music stops ] how do you love it? i'll give you an unbiased opinion. it stinks. [ gasps ] [ ding! ] thanks. you're welcome. cousin, may i please speak to you in private certainly. are you going to make what's-his-face disappear, or shall i? neither. we will disappear. back in a minute, sweetheart. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] care for a midnight snack? no. want to hear more of my song, or do you think it stinks, too? serena, i think it's terrific. i think it's so terrific, it's too good for mortals. so why don't you sing it yourself at the cotillion? because... the lyric cries for a male vocalist or a male group.

try and find a who aren't quite as popular as boyce and hart. say, there's an idea. then i've been of some help, right? right. which rhymes with "good night." wrong. which rhymes with "my song," which the group of my choice is going to sing at my cotillion. i am going to make them so unpopular, they'll be desperate to sing anywhere. as the trumpets blare, let all ears smart. failures both be boyce and hart. [ ding! ] oh! [ ding! ] hey troops, what are we waiting for? that's right! who wants to see a couple of bums like boyce and hart? yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah!

oh, serena, you little dickens! you are definitely where it's at!

[ doorbell rings ] good morning, samantha. has darrin left yet? no. he's just finishing breakfast. well, if he can still eat, he hasn't seen "weekly variety." what's the matter? you look worried. i'm not worried hi, larry. is something up? no, something's down. did you see today's edition of "weekly variety"? no, not yet. well, then, read it and weep. "boyce and hart -- here today, gone...today." what does that mean? well, the general idea is boyce and hart have taken a nose dive. they haven't sold a record in three days. and booking agents all over the country have canceled their concerts. and at a meeting of their national fan club, boyce and hart photographs were burned in ef but why?

so have i. why didn't you listen to me? when? when i expressed unswerving opposition to putting those hippies on television. you didn't express unswerving opposition. when i made the deal, you were thrilled. that's right. i heard you right here in this very room. well, i may have been thrilled in this very room, but in my heart, i was unswervingly opposed. undoubtedly, when this reaches the executives of breeze shampoo, they'll cancel the special and the account. [ laughs nervously ] the way things look now, a show with boyce and hart won't sell their product. it'll cause a boycott. had any concert offers lately, chick? nightclubs? weddings? bar mitzvahs? nothing. if it gets any worse, i'll have to start pawning your gold records. hi, gang. well, well, well. look who's here. cutest little song plugger east of motown. mr. cashman, i came to see if, by some wild chance,

to let your clients sing at my dance. i take it you don't read "variety." shh! [ laughs ] when is your dance? tonight. at the price we agreed -- five times their normal fee? we agreed on three times their normal fee. right. i thought it was five. but i'll give you a break. and they could use the exposure. [ chuckles ] what time do you want them, and where do they go? we will leave here at 8:00 -- alone. and here is a copy of the song i would like them to sing. [ ding! ] "i'll blow you a kiss in the wind." words and music by serena. what are all those black marks? beats me. they're notes. don't you two read music? i do. he doesn't. i do. he doesn't. oh, well. i'll explain it to you tonight when we rehearse.

larry, would you mind screaming more quietly? that's better. did breeze shampoo just cancel the special or their account? they canceled both, and i said i didn't blame them. but they can't do th. weatave verbal contract. darrin, a verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. news bulletin -- your son and daughter are sound asleep. that's nice. would you see if your cousin is availa uh-oh. right. we just lost breeze shampoo. in the wind well, it's almost 8:00. should we go over the song again? i don't think so. we've already done it twice. no use getting stale on it. all right, fellas. you ready? lead the way. we'll follow you anywhere.

i'm going to take you on a long, long trip a trip? on what? on a magic carpet. [ both groan ] well, i'm sorry about that. now close your little eyes. come on. don't peek. [ ding! ] open your eyes. where are we? never mind that. how did we get here? it's called the cosmos club. isn't it heavenly? darrin, i've been trying to reach her for three days, but you know how stubborn she can be. mm-hmm. "rotten" is the word. i wish you'd at least try to be nice. that was the nicest word i could think of. anyway, i know where to reach her tonight -- at the cosmos cotillion. hey, maybe you'd like to come with me. after all, it's sat sam. well... good luck, sweetheart.

[ applause ] oh, thank you. thank you, galaxy groovers. as your entertainment chairman, it is my bag to present the most unique and unusual acts possible. tonight i am gonna lay on you two swinging mortal singers, performing for the very first time my brand-new all-time hit. i give you tommy boyce and bobby hart. [ applause ] [ rock music plays ] wherever you are tonight... [ ding! ] okay, serena. fun and games are over. let's send those howling hippies back to earth. i will, just as soon as they finish my song.

and when it reaches your lips, my dear you're gonna smile and feel me oh, so near so i'm gonna b ha [ rhythmic clapping ] i've been laying here in my bed pretty images and pretty thoughts running through my head about a girl in my mind i can feel i can almost touch oh, my goodness, i miss you, and i want you so much wherever you are tonight

so i'm gonna b i'm gonna blow... you a kiss...in the wind [ music stops ] [ cheers and applause ] oh! oh, they loved it! sing it again! sing it again! serena, remove your spell. how about just one more chorus? then you holler, "author, author." no. you send them back to earth immediately, and make them popular again. and while you're at it, make them not remember where they were before i begin to get mad. aw. okay. back from the cosmos to your planet, your career's brightest since you began it. forget where you were and what you did

[ ding! ] thank you, cuz. [ ding! ] you're welcome, cuz.

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you could save up to $509 call today at see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. [ ding! ] are you all right, man? i think so. oh, great. you didn't leave yet. that's what you think. now, listen. when serena gets here, don't go with her. why not? we don't need her. on my way to dinner, i got five telephone offers for you in my car. so book us in your car. don't be so smart. i think i've pulled you out of your slump. but don't bother to thank me. that's what managers are for. [ ding! ] hi, sweetheart. oh. hi. how are all the guys and gals in the cosmos?

did they sing serena's song? mm-hmm. and everyone loved it. and since that's what she wanted in the first place, she was very cooperative about solving your problem in the second place. what did she do? she removed her spe and so will you with breeze shampoo. that sounds like a slogan. it's an apology. an apology for what? the occasional trouble my family causes you. occasional? okay. frequent. frequent? okay. constant. but it does make life interesting, doesn't it? okay. forget it. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com major... are you in good condition? yes, sir. wrong! and you.

what do you say to 50 quick pushups? or are you afraid you might hurt yourself? if you are... just speak right up. oh-ho-ho... too easy, huh? all right. we'll try something else. now, watch. watch my hand. watch. [grunts, yells] see what i mean? see what i did? well...you saw it. you're dead. i just killed you, and you didn't defend yourselves. well, we're at attention, sir. [mockingly] "at attention, sir." oh, really? hm. see what i mean, dr. bellows? proved my point. these men are survival-soft. their animal instinct... of kill or be killed... has been ruined... by their easy living. hm. we've received the finest astronaut training, sir. i think that, uh--