didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

no, really, we can't. but thanks for asking. oh, have a good time. yeah, bye, david. uh, what was all that about? oh, that was just david inviting us to a party he's having tonight. you said no? why didn't you ask me? why? you wanna go? well, gloria, i said i felt like doing something tonight. oh, honey, i'm sorry. it's just, well, the folks are gonna be out tonight, and i sort of took it for granted you'd wanna stay home with me. yeah, well, lately you've been taking a lot of things for granted. oh, michael, don't be like that. come on! yeah, all right.

he's got her on his lap already. he'll be turning our home into a massage parlor. archie, is that all you think we do when you're out of the house? oh, no. i think you do it sometimes when i'm in the house. edith: archie, we better go. yeah, all right. i'm coming, i'm coming. archie, for your information, what gloria and i do behind closed doors is none of your business. there's no reason for you to snigger. what was that i heard from you, you big pinko liberal? don't you know that the delicate word for that is "snegro"? bye, ma. have a good time. edith: bye! whoop-dee-doo, they're gone. i was showing you the elevator dance. elevator going up! hey, hey, gloria! take it easy. my back, my back. ow, ow, ow. michael, you used to love it when i did this. i-i-i still do. it's just i wasn't set for it. i know what it is. it's david's party.

is that it? well, our marriage is an equal partnership, fifty-fifty, right? i'll call david back. no, no, no. that's all right. you don't have to. i made my point. you understand that you were wrong, and i understand that you were wrong. see, that's the beauty of our relationship. we both have an open mind. now, uh, what'll it be tonight, watch a little television, huh? no, honey, we don't need television. let's talk. all right, talk. what do you want to talk about? you said i have an open mind. is that what first attracted you to me, my mind? no, as a matter of fact, it was your pockets. what? the first time i saw you, you were wearing those tight jeans with the cute little pink pockets in the back. those were the best walking-away pants i ever saw. i fell in love with the way those cute little pink pockets walked away. yeah? yeah? then when you turned around, i fell in love with the rest of you.

when you started to speak, you almost ruined the whole thing. i'm kidding. kidding. kidding. gloria, i knew the first time i saw you that underneath that little orphan annie hairdo you used to wear there lurked a mind. and i knew that underneath all that hair and the mustache and that beard you used toear, there lurked a face, a beautiful face, which i'm taking with me. uh, where? where are you going? upstairs. we were having such a nice conversation. why do you want to end it? who's ending it? we'll talk on the way. i forgot what i was talking about. you broke my concentration. i lost my whole trend of thought. you wanna play checkers? checkers? won't that break your trend of thought? no, no, no. see, i play much better when i think. i think and i play better. you just sit over there, i'll get the checkers. i don't want to play checkers. all right, forget checkers. you don't want to play checkers? you're the one who wants to stay home. what do you wanna do? quit kidding around, gloria.

we'll watch television. no, honey, come on. let's make our own fun. another bride another june another sunny honeymoon another season another reason for makin' whoopee a lot of shoes a lot of rice the groom is nervous he answers twice it's really killing that he's so willing to make whoopee now do you wanna go upstairs? no. michael, what's the matter? nothing the matter. i just don't feel like going upstairs. you haven't felt like going upstairs

i don't understand. is something wrong? gloria, there's nothing wrong. i just-- i've had a lot of important things on my mind. like what? well, like, uh, for instance, uh... the energy crisis. oh! well, then i get it. it's not that you're being indifferent to me, you're just being patriotic. what are you talking about? you're conserving energy. look, gloria, you don't understand. you bet i don't understand. you've been acting really strange tonight. i used to run and jump and throw my legs around you, and you loved it. tonight it was, "look out for my back." you always used to wait for me. you never jumped until i said, "ready, set, go." oh! so that's what was missing, "ready, set, go." i can't jump until you speak. what are you, my trainer? no! i'm your husband and you're my wife. and to be perfectly honest with you, gloria, lately you have been coming on a little bit too strong. oh, so now it's all coming out! well, go ahead, michael! get it all off your chest. all right, you asked for it. you're gonna get it.

you say it's four weeks? all right, four weeks. i think it's longer. but we are hardly in bed with the lights off and...there you are. what is wrong with that? did you ever stop to think that maybe i'm not in the mood? , how am i supposed to know whether or not you're in the mood? you'll know when i make the advances. that's how you'll know! i don't believe that's you talking! believe it, gloria, because lately, i don't know who the man is around here. what? and i'm gonna tell you something else. for the last four weeks-- and i think it's longer. some of those times, i didn't really have a headache. then why didn't you just tell me the truth instead of making up such a cheap excuse? because i didn't want to hurt your feelings. well, what do you think you're doing right now?

if two people really love each other, what's the difference who makes the first move? a big difference! the man doesn't like to be chased. it's more natural for him to be the pursuer. hold it! hold everything. didn't you just say we had an equal partnership, fifty-fifty? yeah. yeah. everything is fifty-fifty. but i'm the fifty that should be heard from first! that is typical male-superiority garbage! hey, hey, gloria! no, no! if we are equal, we are equal partners everywhere, and that includes the bedroom. don't you see that goes against nature? i mean, take the animal kingdom. the male is always in charge. oh, yeah? did you ever hear of a king bee? what? it's the female who runs the hive. that is strictly for breeding purposes. okay, then what about the black widow spider? she does all the chasing. she decides on the mating.

you see what happens when a woman takes charge? gloria, that is the whole point of our civilization. look how far we've come from the spiders! i don't believe it. we got the whole house to ourselves, and we're talking about spiders! gloria, look, all i'm trying to say-- all i'm trying to say is that a man's sex drives are different! oh, don't tell me about your drives, michael. mine are just as strong as yours. and if it gives me pleasure once in a while to be the pursuer, the least you can do is deliver. wait just a second here. wait just a second! i have not finished. now, you call yourself progressive. but when it comes to women, you're still working on the old double standard. if a man comes on strong, he's a great lover, a casanova, but if it's a woman, she's a nymphomaniac. look, gloria...

take tonight, for example. you didn't want to go to the movies. i didn't force you to go to the movies. now, i should get that same consideration. if i have certain preferences-- hang-ups. if i have certain preferences-- hang-ups. preferences. hang-ups. preferences! preferences! hang-ups! hang-ups! that's it! that's it! i can't talk to you anymore! i can't talk to you because you're hysterical! michael, look who's calling who hysterical. you're a wild woman, gloria! you're a wild woman! i'll give you a chance to calm down and cool off! i'm going for a walk! that's all right, michael. don't bother! i'll go out for the walk. no, no, you're not going anywhere. i said i was going. i'm going. don't tell me what to do! if i wanna go for a walk, i'll go! you're not going anywhere, gloria. it was my idea, i'm going first! oh, michael! honey! what's the matter?

spider!

[door opens & slams]

oh, did you want to talk to me? no. did you want to talk to me? no. i thought you wanted to talk to me. where'd you get that idea? you don't wanna talk? no. fine. the talk is over. gloria, where the hell have you been? out. i know, "out." where, "out"? just out. it is after midnight. you've been gone for over five hours. that's not "just out," that's way out. now, i wanna know where you've been.

all right, fine. you don't wanna talk about it? that's fine with me. i'm going to show you that i'm a bigger person than you, gloria. i'm going to tell you where i've been. i'm going to tell you everything that happened to me tonight. i'm going to open up completely to you. okay, but let me get another glass of milk first. gloria! i just told you i was going to open up completely! all you can think about is another glass of milk? i can listen and drink at the same time. go ahead. no, no, no, no. you finish what you're doing first. i want your complete attention. you've got my attention. thank you. i want to tell you that... i had a very unusual experience tonight, gloria. very unusual. i went to david's party. yeah, and you probably-- gloria! i was just talking to you in there. i heard everything you said. you had a very unusual experience tonight. go ahead. yeah.

i was feeling very depressed about you walking out on me. there were a lot of people there, all having a good time. i sat all by myself in a corner, just staring off into space. and then suddenly i heard this soft voice, saying, "would you care for a drink?" i looked up. and there, standing in front of me, was a beautiful girl. i don't mean cutie-pie beautiful. i mean beautiful. she had black hair. it was parted right down the middle and pulled straight back. she looked just like a ballerina. with a name to go with it. felicia. how's that for a name, huh? felicia. it's a beautiful name. you betcha. beautiful. felicia! yeah. well, naturally, i did the polite thing. i asked her to sit down. you know what she did? she sat down.

but do you know how she sat down? right on the floor at my feet. dogs do that a lot too. all right, gloria. you make fun if you want. but i'm telling you that it was beautiful. i don't know how to explain it, but there was instant communication between us. oh, i can explain it. you talked and she listened. i knew this was going to be rough on you. i'm about to tell you, though, there's more to this story. i took her home. uh, uh! just let me finish the story, please. don't interrupt. i took her to her place, stood out there on the sidewalk. it was a beautiful moment, gloria. just the two of us, looking into each other's eyes. and she waited, without asking-- you hear me? you hear me? without asking, she waited for me to make the decision.

i want to tell you something, gloria. no, i want to tell you something. you just let me finish here! i want to tell you that for the first time in four weeks-- and i think it's longer. i enjoyed a true man-woman relationship. well, i am glad. because it makes it a lot easier for me to tell you that i met someone tonight too. huh? someone i was very attracted to. huh? when i left the house tonight, i walked for a long time, and i got really cold. so i stopped for a cup of coffee. i was very angry and upset, and i wasn't paying any attention to what i was doing. and i spilled my coffee all over my lap. yeah, well, forget the coffee. what about the man? well, he was sitting right next to me at the counter. and when i spilled my coffee, he took out his handkerchief and dipped it in a glass of water and started to clean the stain off my lap. off your lap? yeah, and then he bought me another cup of coffee, and we sat in a booth, and we talked. you moved to a booth?

with a complete stranger, you moved to a booth? that's just it, michael. it wasn't like he was a stranger. he was such a good listener. he had an instinctive understanding of women. he was very intelligent. you know what he said about us? what? well, he said that most men are rather vain about their masculinity, and that my husband might be feeling threatened-- forget that, forget that! i don't care what he said. no, i think it's important that i tell you everything that happened. there's more? yes. when we left the coffee shop, he insisted on walking me to the bus stop. we stood on the corner saying goodbye. and he made a pass at you. no, it wasn't like that at all. no, it was one of the most beautiful moments i've ever experienced. he stood there waiting, a real man, secure in his own masculinity, aware of what my needs might be,

and you know what i did? you made the first move. you bet i did. you made the first move! i threw my arms around him and kissed him. you-- you kissed a perfect stranger on a street corner? no, right on the lips. you kissed him on the lips?! michael, it wasn't because i loved him-- no, no, no, no! you kissed him on the lips. you kissed him on the lips. michael stivic! i listened to your story. yeah, but that's just it, gloria. that's just what mine was, a story. it didn't really happen. i didn't go to david's party tonight. you wanna know the truth, where i really went? you wanna know what really happened while you were standing on a street corner throwing yourself at some strange man's lips? i was sitting all alone in a lousy, crummy neighborhood movie theater watching a rotten double feature. you might have enjoyed it if you'd stayed in your seat.

how do you know how many trips i made to the candy counter? because i was in that crummy theater, sitting four rows behind you, munch-mouth. then that whole story about the man with the coffee stain, the kiss on the lips, you made that up? that's right, michael, just like you made up your story about your girlfriend, felicia. it's a beautiful name. michel, i made up that story to show you that if i'm attracted to you, what's wrong with me letting you know that? honey. if two people really love each other, it doesn't matter who starts things as long as they get started,

doesn't that make sense? yeah. good. oh, michael, mustard. oh. it was delicious. gloria, if you... still wanna play ready, set, go, i'm... i'm willing. whoop-dee-doo. ready, set-- hold it, hold it, hold it, michael. fifty-fifty. you're right, you're right. you go first. ready. set.

what did i tell you, huh?

["remembering you" playing] announcer: all in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience. boy, the way glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then

mister, we could use a man like herbert hoover again didn't need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great

hey, ma, you think daddy's gonna like his surprise birthday party? oh, yeah, he's gonna love it. how can you be so sure he'll like being surprised? oh, he told me. huh? when did he say that? yesterday morning when i asked him. that-- that means that daddy knows about his birthday party. yeah, it's safer that way. look at the time! it's 10 after 5. the guests will be here in 20 minutes! twenty minutes?

that way we'll be ready to shout "surprise!" at archie when he gets home at 6. oh. we'd better get ready. oh! hi, everybody! how are you? wow! well, here's archie's birthday present. thank you, louise. what a beautiful box! what did you get him, louise? oh, it's not my present to archie. it's edith's. yeah, louise kept it over at her house so archie wouldn't find out what it was. what is it, edith? oh, i can't tell you. it's a secret. but it's something archie has always wanted. well, it's too big to be a brain transplant. oh, mike! well, i've got to be getting back. remember, all of your guests are meeting over at my house first. justin quigley and jo are already there. oh! right. who's justin quigley and jo? oh, honey, don't you remember? they're our new grandparents. we adopted them. oh, that's right! the old man that ma found walking around the street in his pajamas. yeah. well, i'm taking off. wait a minute, louise!

i want you to look at the cake. there! what do you think? it's beautiful. frank lorenzo iced it for me. "happy 50th birthday, archie." i made up the words myself. nice. well, save me a big piece, edith. who cares if it ruins this gorgeous sylph-like figure? [laughs] ciao, amigos. i better hide this in the closet. yeah, good idea. yeah. [edith gasping] archie! archie: wait a minute! wait a minute! where are you going, huh? daddy, we didn't expect you home so soon. yeah, it's only 10 past 5. oh, look at this. the meathead finally learned to tell time. here i am, archie! you come running at me like you was a linebacker.

what kind of a greeting's that? [sweetly] oh, hello, archie. but you ain't supposed to be here 'til 6. all right, so i'm early. so what? oh, i told everybody to come at 5:30 so they could surprise you. and you promised you wouldn't come 'til 6 to be surprised. how can we surprise you when you're here? you broke your promise to be surprised. i didn't break my promise. it was an act of god. an act of god? that's right, you atheist, you! we shut down early today because there was a power cut. oh, well, then, that wasn't god. that was an act of con edison. well, who do you think runs con edison? you're not gonna say god. well, certainly, little girl. if you knew your bible, you'd know that. god said, "let there be light," and told edison to invent the bulb. i didn't think it could be done, but you did it, arch.

but what are we gonna do about the surprise party? just forget the surprise, edith, and give the party. oh, no, archie! oh, come on, will you? i already had one surprise party today anyhow. you had a surprise party today? yeah, down at work. oh! and i knew that one was coming too, the minute i seen that jerk stretch cunningham in the locker room, trying to put a 6-inch candle on top of a twinkie. we got you your favorite cake. yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. you should have been there, edith. all them guys at lunchtime gathering around there, wishing me happy birthday, blowing out the candle there. it made you proud to be an american. it must have been hard, cutting up that twinkie into all them little slices. use your common sense. they shoved it into me in one piece. the thing that was hard

i had to say, "what? who? me?" sounds like the social event of the season. cut it out, will you? a man's got a right to his 49th birthday, ain't he? fiftieth, archie. no, it ain't 50. i'm 49. you're 50, daddy. how can i be 50 on my 49th birthday? because it's your 50th birthday. no, it ain't! yes, it is. hey there, little girl. i know how old i am. and it ain't 50. archie, i can prove that you're 50. how are you gonna do that? it says so on your birthday cake. "says so on your birthday cake." well, i'm telling you that the cake is a liar! arch, what difference does it make whether you're 49 or 50? ah, get away from me, you. don't be trying to shove me over the hill ahead of my time. fifty's not over the hill.

twenty-five. daddy, we could have made a mistake. we could check your birth certificate. don't waste your time. hey, ma, where's daddy's birth certificate? i think it's in the box next to all your baby shoes. okay. let's settle it. there ain't nothing to settle, little girl. i told you, don't waste your time. look at the time! the guests will be here any minute! what are we gonna do? let them in. no! no, archie. we can't. you're here. yeah, i'm here, sure. because it's my party. arch, don't you see? these parties are not just for the guy being surprised. see, you're the surprisee. but these parties are also for the surprisers. well, if i'm the surprisee, then ipso fatso, you're the jerkee. no, archie, we gotta think of the guests. mike's right. no, he ain't. mike is dumb.

all they gotta do is show up with the presents. but, arch, it's psychological. ha ha ha. "psychological"! once more we hear from dr. sigmund freus. arch, don't you see how upset these people are gonna be if you take away their chance to shout "surprise"? yeah, archie, they've all been looking forward to shouting at you. gloria: hey, ma! is this the box? oh, yeah. i'm sure it's in here. archie, look! here's that picture of you in the army. "foggia, italy, 1944." archie, if we knew how old you were then, we could figure out how old you are now. i know how old i am now! forty-nine today. now, let's forget this. will you do something useful and get me a beer? [doorbell rings] oh, it's them! it's the guests!

[all yelling] gloria: give me your arm. what do you want me to do? put on your coat! you gotta go out the back door and in the front like you're coming home from work. and would you please act surprised? come on, come on! i can get out the door myself! [doorbell rings] they're at the door! coming! coming! oh, hi! [all exchanging greetings] oh, irene, have you met mr. and mrs. quigley? oh, yeah, sure. over at louise's house. only it's still not mister and missus, edith. oh, no, we're still not married. and staying that way. i'm sorry. then this is mr. quigley and miss nelson. no, it's "ms." ms. m-s. daddy will be here any minute.

everybody sit down. here he comes! oh, here he comes! edith: out of sight! you open the door, gloria. oh, okay. that's right. shh! hi, daddy! ma, daddy's home! all: surprise! hey, hey, hey. jeez. what? who? me? arch, i just found your birth certificate. happy 50th birthday, arch. all: happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear archie happy birthday to you

you know, i still don't understand. why didn't archie stay? i thought it was his birthday. i think the surprise was too much for him. i guess he's just taking a walk around the block. for two hours? maybe he's forgotten his way home. i've found that a lot of youngsters have poor memories nowadays. well, he'll be here. let's all have a good time. hey, will you get off the phone there, kelsey, and come and pour me a beer? sorry to keep you waiting, arch, but that was kinda important. yeah. it's my birthday. i got to spend it sitting here looking at you. your birthday, huh? well, seeing this is a special day for you, that is on the house. happy birthday to you. oh, it's a lousy birthday for me. oh, gee, i'm sorry you feel that way, arch. say, how old are you today? fifty-five? fifty-six?

kelsey: what? i'm 49. no kidding. well, you sure could have fooled me! well, listen, what are you going to do to celebrate? nothing. i've been to the movies. what did you see? uh... the last tango in paris. arch, i hear that's kind of sexy, huh? you know, i went in there thinking they was bringing back one of them nice old movies. you know, gene kelly dancing around the eiffel tower in a sailor suit. all i seen was pure pornography. well, ain't that sexy? no, it ain't sexy. the last time they made a sexy picture was with gloria dehaven. gloria dehaven made sexy movies? yeah. she made sexy movies. i tell you another one too, betty grable. and she was sexy. but, you see, her, she never showed you no sex, you know? what do you mean? what do i mean?

she left it in your mind. that's where sex ought to be. no. not for me, arch. no. n-n-not for you. i ain't talking about you. i'm talking about the movies. do you know that they once insured betty grable's legs for $1 million? no. i wouldn't give you two bits for marlo brandon's legs. or any other parts of him i just seen featured. i get the feeling you didn't like that movie. it was so filthy, i nearly walked out of it. hey! hello there, mrs. bunker! oh, jeez! hello, mr. kelsey. and what brings you down here? well, it was your phone call. ah-ha-ha-ha!

ain't nothing sacred no more? whatever happened to "a man's bar is his castle"? archie, don't blame mr. kelsey. mike called him and asked him to phone us if you came in here. oh, the meathead done that. i suppose that makes it all right. oh, archie, we was worried about you. come on back to the party. no! i ain't going! not if i have to be 50. what are you standing there for? long as you're here, you might as well sit down. hey, kelsey, bring me over another beer here and an orange crush for the missus. oh, archie, everybody's waiting for you. it's your birthday party. listen, that ain't my birthday party. my birthday is 49. fifty! gee. fifty makes me think of all the things i ain't done yet. like what, archie?

well, for instance, i never rode a horse. i never had my picture in the paper. and i ain't never ate oysters rockefeller. but you've been to disney world. edith, you just don't know what i'm trying to say to you, do you? oh, yeah, i think i do, archie. i read about it in a magazine. it said that lots of men go through it at a certain age. i mean, it's like when i went through the change. what? you know. the menopause. shush! here we go. and this is for our birthday boy. yeah, yeah, yeah. i was thinking-- oh, don't do no more of that.

when it happens to a woman it's called men-opause. edith! will you please, huh? when it happens to men, maybe it should be called women-pause. listen, i ain't going through no change. that's it! [sighs] jeez, it's getting hot in here. hey, kelsey, do you have to keep this joint like a furnace? it ain't that! oh, archie! i almost forgot! i brought you your birthday present. huh? what? a present? yeah. open it. see what it is. look at the size-- what is it, edith? it's something you've always wanted.

hey, ain't that nice? the box and all. oh, oh. oh! gee, edith. ain't that beautiful? a six-string ukulele. just-- just like arthur godfrey's. oh, yeah, i remember. jeez, thanks, edith. happy birthday, archie! yeah. well, what the hell good is it? i can't play it. because god made the stars to shine because god made the ivy twine because god made the sky so blue that is the reason why i love

gloria: oh, ma, did you find daddy? oh, yeah. i found him. where is he? what happened? didn't he come back with you? no. well, what did he say? he said, "everybody, go home. the party's over." all: oh, no. does that mean we can't eat the cake? then when my kid was six years old-- oh, gee. he was in the school nativity play. now, he practices all week as the innkeeper. then the night they put the show on, he forgets his lines. when joseph and mary ask him if there's any room at the inn, you know what my kid says? no. what? he says, "sure, we're empty. come on in." come on, arch. it's pretty funny.

oh, hi. kelsey: evening, mr. quigley. oh, hi there, quigley. hey, where's your girlfriend? ah, she went home by cab. i felt like walking. i want one for the road. what'll it be? a glass of ripple. uh, gee, i think we're out of it. oh. in that case, make it a boilermaker. hey there, quigley, you're out a little bit past your beddy-byes, ain't you? yeah, but i thought, well, i'm up this late, i may as well hang around for my birthday. it's your birthday too? at midnight, i'll be 83 years old. ooh. eighty-three. did you hear that? and you're still celebrating birthdays? looking forward to it. you know what jo's giving me tomorrow? a set of french-language records. you're going to start learning french? something i always wanted to do. you mean to tell me

well, you never know. you know the old saying, "a rolling stone..." yeah. "...can give you a hell of a bruise." hey, let me ask you something, quigley. did you ever ride a horse? not 'til i was 63. sixty-three? mmm. what about a ukulele? i don't think you can ride a ukulele. i didn't mean that. i mean, uh, me. that i was thinking maybe i'd learn how to play one. oh, yeah? yeah. you know, play some of them nice songs like "home on the range," "south of your border." "red sails in the sunset." oh, yeah. modern stuff. mm-hmm. you ought to hear the songs i was brought up with.

hey, hey, hey, hey. you hear what he's calling us here? you and me, young sprigs. [laughs] well, maybe to him we are young sprigs, huh, kels? and after all, maybe we are. sure. you know what i'm just thinking now? the best thing to do is not look back at the past at all. just get up and move with the times. mmm. i'll try to remember that. hey, listen, back at the house, that birthday cake back there. did they swallow it all? oh, no. they saved a big piece for you. yeah? come on! let's go get it. oh, that won't be necessary. you just hold on for a minute. huh? hey, come on in, gang! here we are! all: happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday, dear archie

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captioning made possible by u.s. department of education,phillips petroleum,alcoa foundation coca-cola foundation, rockwell international, and sony corporation what would we do, baby without us what would we do, baby without us and there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through

without us