well, here we are. yeah, after two weeks of staying in one hotel after another, it is really great to be back home in our inn. yeah. hi! i thought i heard your car pull up. boy, is it great to see you guys.

i just got your postcard of the eiffel tower today. it really looks great, but isn't it supposed to be leaning? no, george. oh, i guess they fixed it. so how have things been here? oh, you know, same as usual. nothing ever changes around here. last week, i was telling my friend dutch-- did i know dutch before you left? um... dutch? i guess i didn't. well, you've got to meet him. he's the funniest guy in vermont. and i'm not the only one who says so. you should have seen him at the party. - the party? - oh, yeah. you missed that, too. well, it was some wild party, and dutch was the life of it. he was doing this one thing to everybody at the party. - oh, look at that. - what? [vocalizes] that's what he was doing. boy, this inn was rocking with laughter. the party was here?

who gave the party? well, i guess, in a way, you did. no, we didn't. we were in europe. well, yeah, but kirk said if you had been here, you would have wanted to give him and cindy a going-away party. kirk and cindy are gone? you know, now that i think about it, things did change. dick! joanna! you're back! oh, hi! hello, mr. world traveler, and mrs. w.t. how was gay paris? who cares? all i want to know is what happened with kirk and cindy. [overlapping chatter] hold it! you. where did they go? - europe. - why? - uh... - you. cindy got a job as a clown in a circus. they really moved away. i can't believe it. speaking of moving, that's what i should be. television producer has to be up by mid-morning. by the way, dick, i think i can get you that dressing room you wanted. i didn't ask for a dressing room,

isn't that what i said? and stephanie, night night. lovey, bye. god, we make a cute couple. i'm kind of hurt that kirk and cindy left without even saying good-bye. oh, he said good-bye. he stood on that landing and said-- george, we weren't here. we were in europe. they left you a note. oh, good. "dear dick and joanna, "we're so sorry to rush off like this "without seeing you. "you were the first friends we had-- the first and best. "we want you to know how much we will miss you. "thanks for everything. love, cindy." that's a lovely good-bye note. and there's a p.s. for you on the back, dick. oh. "dick, no time to sell the cafe. "you do it.

kirk." one lovely good-bye note after another. i don't know if you've noticed, but the refrigerator doesn't work. yeah, i did. and the three burners on the stove don't work, but i think they can be fixed. i'll ask my handyman. he's up checking the attic. - george? - yeah? can those burners on the stove be fixed? no. well, apparently, i was wrong. don't need to tell me all this, you know. - i don't? - no. barn blew down. just looking for a place to store my hay. well, i'm sure your hay will be happy here. so do we have a deal? well, to be honest with you, i was looking for something a bit nicer. thanks anyhow. to store hay, all you need is a roof to keep the rain of.

have a nice day! well, guess i'll add the roof to the list. just saw mr. hinton leaving. i guess he wasn't racing for his checkbook. well, the only thing anyone's raced for this whole stupid week has been the door. it's unbelievable. kirk is finally half a world away, and i can't even enjoy it. we're never gonna sell this place. don't give up hope. that mr. darling from new york is coming by in a little whole, maybe he'll buy it. [crashing] chimney problems, dick. what is we can't sell it? it'll just sit here and decay. if anyone asks, "where's the stratford inn?"-- people will say, "you can't miss it. it's right next to that pile of rot. hi, dick, joanna. stephanie told me you'd be here.

stephanie, you're supposed to be watching the inn. i can see it from here. stephanie... okay, okay, okay. you're so pretty when you pout. really? dick, i hope you can come down to the station. we've got mr. dressing room ready for you. i thought it was mr. office. last time i looked, it was mr. utility room. come on down, take a look at it, and we can shoot that promo at the same time. - promo. - yeah. that's a commercial for a tv show. something to say to john q. public, "hey, i'm here. love me." i know what a promo is. i didn't know we were doing one. yeah. today. only if that's good for you, dick. well, it's not. ouch. sort of booked the hall, if you know what i mean. hired the crew, cameras, lights, engineers, makeup, wardrobe, transportation, catering.

the only thing you forgot to book was me, and i can't leave, i have a man who's gonna look at the cafe. you've been playing around with this cafe for a week now. when are you gonna get back to the real world? we've got a television show to do. as soon as i sell it. then sell it. what's the problem? here's the problem. end of problem. michael, tearing up that list doesn't change the fact that three burners on the stove don't work. wrong attitude. you don't have three burners that don't work. you have one burner that does work. what about a refrigerator that doesn't get cold?? then it's frost-free. at worst, it's an airtight closet with a light that goes on when you open it. no, it doesn't. when you sell something, the law of the land is buyer beware. it might even be in the constitution. - no, it isn't. - then it's an amendment. we're not gonna lie to these people. did i lie when i said one burner worked? don't say the glass is half empty. say it's full.

it's up to you, dick. you can either do it my way, or spend the rest of your life next door to a weed-infested rat's nest of an eyesore. excuse me. i have an appointment to see this cafe. oh, right. you're darling. dick, massage him. don't seduce him. - his name is darling. - really? what is it? darling. claude darling. oh, i'm up to speed now, dick. hi, i'm dick loudon. this is my wife joanna. this is michael harris. it's nice to meet you. boy, this place isn't bad, huh? it isn't? what are you doing? the kitchen is over here. i've been looking for a place to open a restaurant. this is the first place i've seen that's fully equipped. yeah, it's got a stove and everything. there's something i should tell you about the stove. - not all the burners-- - [clears throat]

what i'm trying to say is, um-- one is outstanding. honey. stop it! what are all these bricks on the floor? they're... for the chimney. they're included in the price. dick? oh, hi. dick, i got rid of that clog in the vent. oh, good, george. what was it? i don't know. but when i woke it up, it ran off. great, great. so the vent's clear. we were worried about that. you're asking 18,000, huh? - yes. - wow, what a buy. what are you running, a charity? mr. darling, i think it's only fair to tell you the reason the cost is so low is that the place needs some work. oh, i expect to spend a few dollars on repairs. if you're not prepared to break a few eggs,

cute phrase. [chuckles] darling by name, darling by nature. let's save some time. we both know how these things work. now, look, you want to show me the good things, and i'm gonna look for the bad. but i know what i like when i see it. would you accept 17,500? well... all right, but we're not throwing in the bricks. well, you can't blame me for trying. 18 it is. mr. darling, are you really sure-- he's sure. joanna, take his check. dick, let's make a promo. well, does this scream "promo" to you the way it does to me? no, it screams, "why is there sand here?" oh, the theme of the piece is,

what does sand got to do with vermont? where'd you even find sand in vermont? we didn't. that's kitty litter. only we'll know. what are you trying to make here, one of those tacky beach crowd commercials with girls in bikinis? obviously, you have no opinion of me at all. hi, michael. you wanted to check wardrobe? not just now, judy. oh, well... i'll be backstage. you are having girls in bikinis. no, dick. one girl, one bikini. look, you're the star of the show. do you think anyone is gonna look at her while you're talking? i'm not doing it. dick, why don't we discuss this in private someplace? where, a cabana? - [chuckles] - [mocking chuckle] well, dick, what do you think. i think it's a stupid promo. no, i mean, what do you think of your new dressing room?

i think the promo's going to work. well, i don't, because i'm not going to be in it. - what do you want to change? - i want the girl out. no, i was talking about the room. speak up. you've gotta give us something to go on. - i hate the color. - that we can't change. - then leave it alone. - the promo? the room. dick, you're talking in circles. why don't you give it a try just for today? which are you talking about, the room or the promo? well, i was talking about the room. but if you're saying you'll give the promo a try-- the room is fine, the promo is out. - i do have principals. - [joanna] dick? i'm sorry to burst in like this, but i just spoke with mr. darling, and i feel so guilty. what are you talking about? that poor man has no idea what he's gotten himself into. that 18,000 was all he had. there's no way he can afford to fix up the place. we lied to him, dick. we cheated him. we swindled him out of his life savings.

with very few principals. no principals. none whatsoever.

...and do you know why mr. darling bought the cafe? why? because his wife just recently passed away. he came here to start a new life. in other words, we swindled a widower. oh, god. a widower? that's rough. i'm trying like the devil to think of someone i can fix him up with. dick, we have to tell that man the truth. you're right. let's go. all right. good-bye, darling. hello, rot. wait, dick, you already told the truth, remember? the outstanding burner,

buyer beware. mr. darling? mr. darling? oh, no. he's already started painting a sign. he's naming the place after his wife. his wife's name was po? no, polly. obviously, he hasn't finished the sign. hi, neighbors. hey, what do you think of the sign? it'll be great when it's finished. it is finished. my wife's name was polly, but i used to call her-- i, uh... i used to call her... po. mr. darling, there's a reason we're here.

claude. the reason we're here is we can't go through with selling you the cafe. what? why not? because there's some things about the cafe we didn't tell you... claude. like-- like what? well, claude, like the fact that some of the appliances don't work. in fact, most of the appliances don't work. oh, i'd always expected to spend a few dollar-- most of the appliances don't work? right. why didn't you tell me that before? because we're swindlers, that's why. honey, we're not swindlers. believe me, you're our first swindle... claude. there are so many things wrong with this place. tell him, dick. the roof is bad, the wiring's bad. not as bad as the plumbing.

the point is, we deceived you, and we're sorry, and we'd really feel better if we just call the whole thing off. here's your check back. hmm... wait a minute. mm-hmm. you've got a better offer, haven't you? trust us, we lied to you. what is it? somebody wants to build a mall? - no. - a theme park? no, really. we're just dirt. nobody wants to build anything. then why are you trying to cheat me out of my cafe? we aren't. - claude-- - don't call me that. only my friends call me clade. people like you call me darling.

but we just don't want you to think that we're the kind of people who would sell something by misrepresenting it. please, take your check back. no, no, no, no! i'm not giving this place up for a lousy 18,000. but that's what you paid for it. yeah, but if you guys are getting a better offer, i want a piece of it. i'll take 18,500. we're not getting a better offer. then i'm keeping the cafe. oh... you can't keep the cafe. if you keep the cafe, we're-- garbage. then give me the 18,500. dick, give him the 18,500. all right, 18,500. 19. claude! 18,500-- that's my final offer. okay, but i'm taking the bricks. fine. here's your check. 18,000. and i'll give you our check for 500. i'll need two pieces of i.d. i didn't ask you for i.d. you aren't dealing with garbage. that's true. here.

claude! okay. i'm gonna take this down to the bank before it closes and get it cashed. i'll be back for my bricks. and by the way, i know how many there are. [door slams] oh, well, i feel better. how about you? yeah. much better. i've been meaning to clean out that bank account for months. you think we're gonna be able to sell the cafe to somebody else? honey, of course we'll sell it. you and i are decent people. we'll sell it if it takes every cent we got. michael, there's something i have to talk to you about in the promo script. - can it wait, dick? - no, it can't. it's about the people you have me saying are gonna be guests this season. oh. what's the question? are they gonna be guests this season? well, who in particular? tom selleck? we're close, dick. it's between us and a movie.

the pope? there's some dispute over whether his holiness will pay his own airfare. out. i'm not gonna say anything about amelia earhart. - well-- - michael, after what i've been through the last couple days, i don't want to say anything that isn't absolutely honest. well, dick, what do you want to say? "summer's over" is okay. so is the part about having various kinds of guests. and i don't mind saying we're on sunday afternoon. and that's it. okay, fair enough. your promo, your way. just go to makeup. have them do something with that shiny nose. [man on speaker] michael, we're ready. dick, you can't leave now. we're shooting momentito. but you said my nose was shiny. keep it. i like it. it'll only take a second. no time. we're going live. live? you had your chance to tape it yesterday. in 5, 4, 3... michael! cue dick!

hi. i'm dick loudon. summer's over and fall is here, and that means i'll be back with "vermont today", the show that celebrates vermont today. i'll be talking with entertainers. sports figures. political figures. and a few mystery guests. so make a date sunday afternoons with me, dick loudon, for "vermont today", where we always give you something to think about. and we're clear. good, good, good. good for me, dick. was it good for you? the cue cards seemed a little slow. that's all right. we'll tighten it up in editing. but you thought it was okay?

mr. loudon, there's a call for you. you can take it right over there. oh, thank you. hello. i'm sorry to bother you at work, but a real estate agent just called. she has somebody to buy the cafe. you're kidding. do they know about the problems. yes. she says they don't care. they're on their way to sign the papers. that's incredible. do you want to go dancing tonight? not really. oh. even better, i'll stop by and get a bottle of champagne on my way home. great! see you soon. bye. dick's ecstatic. how's michel? i didn't ask. gee, joanna. self, self, self. excuse me. mrs. loudon? - yes. - i'm betty reed with br realty.

hi. i'm larry. this is my brother darryl, and this is my other brother darryl. you're the buyers? hi, neighbor. get down, dick. you're in a good mood. why shouldn't i be? i got the promo i wanted, and we finally sold the cafe. things are finally going my way.

ofoff-key] [dog barking]

morning, dick. george. it sounds like mr. bennett is practicing again. yeah, he played till 2:00 this morning, and he's starting up again at... quarter past 7. right. look at this. i'm trying. it's her eye, dick. it was an eye. now it's just a bunch of lines in a bag. that man is keeping everybody awake. not me. i can't hear him at all out over the garage. you know, joanna slept fine, too. i watched her. dick, when are you gonna make mr. bennett stop? look, i promised him he could practice here as long as we have no other guests. he's gonna be leaving in a couple days. i just can't tell him to stop.

but i will. isn't life wonderful when you're doing what you were born to do? thank you. mr. bennett? yeah? w-what would you like for breakfast? dick! just a cup of coffee. i want to get right back to my room to practice. oh, really. dick? uh, mr. bennett, could--could i ask you a favor? anything you want. you're helping my dream come true. without you, i wouldn't have a prayer at that audition. right. could you please not play your trumpet anymore? what? in your room. it's the acoustics. uh, maybe you'd be better off practicing in, uh-- switzerland. the basement. hey! great idea! i bet "cherry pink and apple blossom white"

he's been playing "cherry pink and apple blossom white?" i thought it was "the theme from shaft." [trumpet, off-key] good morning. says who? it's joanna, dick. honey, i was just thinking about the funniest thing. do you remember jonathon hill? is that the jonathon you were dating right before you met me and forgot right after? yes. what about him? i know you'll appreciate this. i kinda have a date with him. you made a date with a guy who's not dick? most--most people cut down on that after they're married. well, i shouldn't even call it a date. we just decided 20 years ago that no matter where we were living or what we were doing, we'd meet at the sky room in new york at 8 p.m. this friday.

no, it's really ridiculous. but, dick, it's not like i'm thinking about going. that would be silly. yeah. jonathon probably won't even remember. of course he won't. what do you mean "of course he won't?" you don't know the kind of relationship we had. sure i do. what--what kind of relationship did you have? casual. don't you think if he were gonna show up he'd call? i would. oh, i wouldn't. it's much more romantic just to show up. don't you have eggs to fry? honey, how could jonathan call? last time i saw him, i was still in school, and he was on his way to kenya with the peace corps. he doesn't know where i live, and i'm not joanna mckenna anymore, i'm joanna loudon. so let's keep it that way. honey, i'm not going. oh, phooey. i have a whole new life, and i'm sure jonathon does, too.

crazy, wild, and... casual. come on, stephanie. i'll help you with the breakfasts. dick, i think you should have a talk with joanna. why is that, george? i don't think she knows what "casual" means. [trumpet, off-key] okay, stephanie, i-- stephanie? stephanie. [gasps] i found my yearbook. oh, good. maybe it'll help keep my mind of that racket. [trumpet stops] careful, you'll wrinkle jonathan. oh! sorry. although it might give you some idea of what he looks like today. oh, hi. okay if i make myself a quick sandwich? oh, sure. help yourself.

isn't it true you're not supposed to play a trumpet for an hour after you've eaten? no. well, at least we won't have to listen to that stupid song for a while. [mr. bennett humming] come on. let's have a look at jonathon. okay. jonathan hill. this must be exciting for you. stephanie, you're the one who wanted to see him, not me. page 72. "hill. "leo. well, you have to go. oh, stephanie, it was just a college romance. it was nothing compared to what i have with dick. but, boy, does this take me back.

and could play the guitar, and, oh, he had such a beautiful voice. wow. all that and a dimple in his chin. oh, joanna, don't you want to see him again... in color? oh, who knows if he'll even show up? what if he does and you don't? how can you break a 20-year promise... to that chin? hi. i'm larry. this is my brother darryl, and this is my other brother darryl. i know, larry. do you think we could speak to the man of the house? dick? miss stephanie, may i say your eyes are the most glorious shade of pink? hi, guys. what can i do for you?

we've been hearing the sound of an animal in distress coming from this... coming from this inn. that kind of thing just tears darryl up inside. so we came over to see what we could do to ease its misery. darryl brung a rock. it's not an animal. it's a man... playing the trumpet badly. well, it did seem strange that a wounded critter would screech out "cherry pink and apple blossom white." they tend to pick one sound and stick with it until-- fellas. fellas... thanks for offering to help, but there's no wounded critter, and what we do have is leaving tomorrow. okay, if it's just one more night.

[mr. bennett humming] well, i know what i'm going to do. what are you doing, stephanie? hiding his trumpet. are you crazy? you can't hide a trumpet in there. it won't fit. over here. dick! come on! stop it! oh, hi, mr. bennett from the kitchen with a sandwich. well, i have to go upstairs and... wash the beds. hi. what are you doing with my trumpet? oh. uh... joanna asked me how... how tall this chair was, and i said i thought it was about... 1 1/2 trumpets tall. and darned if i wasn't right.

the same height as my son. oh. you need to measure anything else? uh, no. what--what--what's this? oh, it's just my college yearbook. oh. this would be the one that, uh-- that jonathan's in. it's on page seventy... something. what do you think? i'd say that 20 years ago, he was not... un-good-looking... for a guy with an oversized dimple in his chin. why can't you just say he's handsome? honey, what women think is handsome and what men think is handsome is world's apart. george? do you think this guy is good-looking? well, he's okay. you see? but wow! look at that jonathan hill guy.

jonathan hill. say, isn't he the-- yeah. well, he's okay. well, if all the reviews are in, i'll just put this away. dick, uh... don't you think this might be getting just a touch out of hand? what is, george? this jonathan stuff. jonathan this. jonathan that. george, what are you worried about? she already said she isn't gonna go. yeah, but she keeps on saying it. first thing you know, she'll be saying it long distance from new york. maybe you should talk with her. george, marriage is like... porcupines. porcupines need to get close to each other for warmth. but if they get too close, they spear each other. now, if i flat out told joanna she couldn't go to new york, then i'd be like a porcupine who pulls his mate too close and-- fills her so full of holes

makes her uncomfortable. but my porcupine knows she's free to go, and that's why she's staying here. what are you two talking about? uh, porcupines. yeah, and marriage and spearing each other. yeah, i was just-- i was just telling george that, you know, we love and trust each other, and that's why, uh... i give you leeway. you mean like if i... had wanted to go to new york? yeah, that-- that kinda thing. dick, suppose i had wanted to go. what would you have said? i would have said give my regards to broadway. of course i would have wanted you to come with me and meet jonathan. wouldn't hear of it. i would have insisted that you go alone.

a woman could ever want. mmm. dick, if you really feel that way, i will go to new york.

honey, what time is it? it's, uh, 7:10. would it be easier if i called the time out every five minutes? sorry. how do you like these earrings? fine. but then, uh, it doesn't really count what i like. what counts is... what jon would like. you're not being much help. well, it's hard to be both timekeeper and fashion advisor. and jealous husband. i'm not jealous. i just haven't had much experience

dick, why don't you just come to the sky room with me? [laughs] are you kidding? and be bored all night? no way. no, i got a great evening planned for tonight. beyond great. i've ordered a deluxe meal from room service, and i'm meeting elliot at the theater. we're seeing "cats." oh, that's nice. then, knowing elliot, we'll probably have a nightcap and...who knows? maybe dancing till dawn. yeah, just a couple of hounds on the prowl in the big apple. sounds like fun. how do i look? well, i can probably tell better when i wipe the steam from my glasses. dick, you've seen this before.

yeah, i just don't remember it having... that many freckles. well, you remember wrong. is that the perfume i gave you for our anniversary? honey, if he says i smell nice, i'll tell him the perfume was a gift from you. you're gonna let him smell you? aw, honey. i love you. if you don't want me to go, i won't go. no, i--i want you to go. thanks. i'd kiss you, but i don't want to smear my lipstick. psst. dick and joanna? new york.

george? gone for a walk. all right, then. let the games begin. oh, no! i guess it's written all over my face. i flunked the audition. oh. well, thanks for stopping by and telling us. i'll be sure to let everybody know. no, no, no, i'm too depressed to drive home. oh, don't be silly. just play the radio and keep the windows rolled down. just drive those blues away. i've got to face it. i wasn't born to toot. can i have my room back? oh. okay. but i think you should know there's been a few shakeups since you left. there a new rule of the inn. no trumpet playing...ever.

i don't ever wanna look at this thing again. hyah! nice toss. would you like another pia colada? no. no, thank you. i'm not gonna wait much longer. by any chance-- no, ma'am. no one has asked for joanna mckenna. i have my eyes peeled.

excuse me. are you looking for me? no. actually, i was looking for her. this does not happen every place we go. you're just being paranoid. i could have told you that wasn't him. could i have my check, please? you sure you don't want to give him another...10 minutes? i've already given him 20 years. can i help you? uh, yes. do you have a customer named joanna lowden-- i mean, uh, mckenna? did you say mckenna? bernard. no, you don't understand. uh, i just wanted to know if she was here.

[snaps fingers] it's him. no, you--you-- you--you don't understand. she's waiting for her date. i'm her husband. oh, dear. uh... we don't want any trouble here, sir. well, it took you long enough. come right over here. i was just explaining to him-- it's about time you got here. first you run off to kenya and now this! look, i don't want her to know i'm here. and i've never been to kenya. dick? i thought his name was jonathan. no, it's--it's dick. this isn't the guy? no. well, if jonathan shows up, do you still-- i don't think we have to worry about jonathan anymore. thank you. hi. nice--nice dress. why did you have to follow me?

oh, sure, but then i wouldn't have met the guys. so, uh--ahem-- jonathan didn't come. why did i think he'd remember? obviously i meant nothing to him. well, he wouldn't have made this date if you didn't mean something to him. but he didn't keep it. maybe he has amnesia. maybe he's still in kenya, and... and he's married to somebody who... isn't as understanding as i am about... these kind of things. i understand... kenyan women are like that. no, he just forgot me. well, i know he didn't forget you. may--may... maybe he's dead. i never should have come here.

just thinking about that time in my life made me feel like a college kid again. now jonathan's not here, and i've aged 20 years in an hour. the one i feel sorry for is jonathan. he had one chance in 20 years to see you again, and he blew it. i mean, the smart one was the... was the guy who showed up tonight: dick loudon. ah. complementary bottle of champagne for joanna mckenna and jonathan hill. [clears throat] for the last time, i am not... uh, complementary? oh, yes, yes. any couple who keeps a date after 20 years deserves encouragement. open her up. well, what the heck?

we're in the most exciting city in the world. i'm with the most terrific woman in the world. you're with the... dimple-less wonder. here we are. thank you. thank you. to us. i'd, uh... i'd give you a kiss, but i don't want to smear your lipstick. damn the lipstick.

[theme music playing]

[ music ] >> here's johnny! [ applause ] [ cheering ] [ music ] hayoo! [ cheering ] >> thanks, very much. thank you. that's very nice of you, but these days, a platonic relationship is better. [ laughter ] this is my kinda audience-- uh, bartles and jaymes groupies. [ laughter ] how are ya, tonight? well, now, look at that outfit. >> you like this, don't ya?