-hello. -oh, hello rochester. say, there was too much mail to put in the box, so i thought i'd bring it in. -thank you. -here are the letters, here are mr. benny's magazines. lonely hearts, woman's home companion, muscle and body development, and the wall street journal. -oh, that's for me. -oh, yes it is for you, rochester. tell me, do you own stock? -i've got two shares of mr. benny, he incorporated himself. i bought at 39 and it's been there for ten years. -i see. well, i gotta be running along. -is this all the mail there is for mr. benny? -no, i'm still carrying that letter around with the postage due on it. but i guess there's no use going through that again.

by the way, how long ago was that letter mailed? -i don't know, it was handed down to me by my father. goodbye, rochester. -good morning, rochester. -good morning, boss. here's the mail. -thanks. hmm, another letter from the california bank. it's about that loan again. -what are you gonna do, boss? -i'm gonna turn them down. here's one from my barber. i wonder what he wants. "dear mr. benny, we're writing to all of our customers

"are you missing an ear? "if it is not called for within 30 days, "we will put it with our collection." well, that's fair. -boss, would you like some eggs? -no thank you, rochester. i don't want to eat heavily before going out to play golf. -you gonna play again today? -yes sir. you know, there's nothing more relaxing than being out on that golf course. especially when the weather's so nice. -you certainly were happy when you came home yesterday. -well, why wouldn't i be? i played in the 70s. -i know what the temperature was, but what did ya shoot? -a 103. -a 103? -on the last nine, i had a couple of lucky putts. oh, rochester do me a favor, will ya? and bring my golf clubs. -yes.

i'll get it. -hello, mr. benny! -mr. kitzel! well, well, well. it's certainly nice seeing you. -likewise, i'm sure. -well, come on in. come right in, make yourself at home. come in, sit down. what are you doing in this neighborhood? -i'm just coming from my nephew's. you know, he just opened up a brand new dental office, right here in beverly hills. -oh, i didn't know that. would you care to join me in a cup of coffee? -no, no thank you. my jaw is still hurting me. -oh, you had a tooth pulled? -five of them. -mr. kitzel, you had five bad teeth? -only one, bad. -well, why'd you let 'em pull the other four?

but he's going to be a very wonderful dentist. you know, he wants to specialize in stopping pain. so he's studying the nerves of the teeth. -really? -yes, and you should see how delicately he works. he removes the nerves from the teeth, and he hangs them up on tiny little racks. -say, that must be quite a job. -it's nerve-wracking. -mr. kitzel, you went through all that just to make up a joke. -yes, i guess i'm still a little silly from the laughing gas he gave me. -oh? he gave you laughing gas as an anesthetic? -yes. and it's the silliest thing. he puts a pliers in my mouth, turns on the gas. and then it starts. i'm laughing, he's pulling. he's pulling, i'm laughing. -i've never had that. how long did you keep laughing?

-ah hello, mr. kitzel. -[mr. kitzel] hello, rochester. -there are your clubs, boss. -thank you. -my, what a happy household. you're going to play golf, and you're going to play tennis. -no, he's gonna play golf. i'm going out in the back and beat the rugs. -he beats the rugs with a tennis racket? -well it is confusing. see, the other day he forgot himself, and jumped over the clothesline. well, mr. kitzel if you don't want coffee, is there anything else i can get you? -no, no, no. i appreciate you. but literally, i got to be running along. i just dropped in to invite you to me and my wife's anniversary party saturday night. -oh you're having a wedding anniversary? which one? -thirteen. -thirteen, isn't that unlucky? -what was so fortunate about the other twelve?

and i shall be at your anniversary party. -wonderful! and you'll have a chance to meet my uncle, what a character! everybody calls him "tex". -oh, he's from texas? -no, he's in the textile business. -well mr. benny, i got to be running along. i don't want to be late for my bus. -wait a minute, you don't have to take a bus. i can drop you off on my way to the club. -oh, bless you! (phone ringing) -excuse me just a minute. the phone. hello? okay, put him on. it'll only be a minute, it's my manager. -oh, fine. -hello? yes joe. now? but i wanna play golf. oh, everything has to be an emergency! alright, wait for me.

-what's the matter mr. benny? something is wrong? -yes, always in show business, an emergency. i have to be in my office. -oh, i'm sorry. -rochester. will you please put my golf clubs away. it's an emergency, i gotta go to the office. (rochester laughing) -what are you laughing at? -i was just thinking about how lucky i am. -what do you mean? -you have to give up your golf game, but i can still go out in the back and beat the rugs. -oh, alright, alright.

-[joe] no, i can't make any final decisionxo until benny gets here. -i'm here, i'm here. -[joe] i'll call you back.

-it's the same old thing. you're supposed to do your show next week, and we don't even have a script yet. -where are my writers? -i've already called them, they'll be here any minute. -you know jack, i don't-- here they are now. -boys, you know i can get into a lot of trouble-- -jack, let me handle this. now look, fellows. i've been trying to get you on the phone all week. where have you been? -palm -springs. -boys, look. you've been writing for me for a long, long time. and every week, i have to wait until the last minute to get a script. now, i mean you're not being fair to me, or fair to yourselves. after all, you've got the ability. you boys are without a doubt, the most talented, the most original, and prolific writers in the entire television industry. -gee, do you really feel that way about us? -well of course i do. -then how come you cut our salaries? -because i don't let sentiment interfere with business.

-we don't let business interfere with pleasure. -that's right. that's why we went to palm. -springs. -i know where you went! now will you please go in the other room and start on a script? -okay. -you go first, you're talented. -oh, no you go first. you're prolific. -don't stand there arguing! if you don't know what to do! toss a coin! -we ain't got one. -oh, yeah. i forgot. you just came back from palm. -springs. -boys, will you do me a favor? go in the other room and start writing. -okay, give me the pencil, harry. -you got it sam, i gave it to you yesterday. -no, no i gave it back to you. -[harry] you had it, i put it in your-- -here! use my pencil. now go to work. -okay.

come up with something good. -are you kidding? those two nitwits not only can't write, they don't even know how to add. i cut their salary two years ago, and they just found out about it. anyway joe, if they don't come up with anything, we have nothing to worry about. because we can always revise one of our old scripts. i must have about 50 of them here in the cabinet. i saved them all. we can look over a few of them. hmm, that's funny. it's bare. -well, what now mother hubbard? -i don't understand it. i had over 50 scripts. my secretary. ms. avery would you come in here please? i don't know what could've happened to 'em. -what do you want, mack? -it's not mack. it's jack. in fact, it's mr. benny. can't forget she used to be a waitress. -i know what you mean.

and at the bottom instead of putting respectfully yours, she wrote, please pay cashier. -you men are all alike. every time you see a pretty dame, you start whispering. -ms. avery, i had over 50 scripts in the cabinet. now, where are they? -they're in my office. -well, will you please go and get them? -okay. -can't understand why she keeps moving things around. here i had all those scripts in perfect order. classified as to subject matter and everything. -here you are. -thanks, now why were they in your office? -well, i had to sit on something, and you won't buy me a chair. -one thing at a time. i bought you a desk. i'll get you a chair as soon as i know you're gonna work out. now go. -come on, jack let's start reading these scripts.

alright, let's look 'em over. -oh, hey fellas. have you got an idea? -yeah, we got an idea but we couldn't write it down. -why not? i gave you a pencil. -i know, but it ain't got no lead in it, see? -oh, "it ain't got no lead in it"? all you do is turn this, and out comes the lead. you see, it's an automatic pencil. that's all it is, automatic pencil. -hey look, sam. all you do is turn the knob and the lead comes out. -hey, that's great. let me try. -no, i want a turn. -let me, please! (arguing) -i turned it! i turned it already! now will you please go out and write something? -okay. -i turned it. -jack, i don't know why you keep those guys on. -i don't know why. you'd think they'd be a little more grateful. brought them over here, taught them english,

-hey! when are you gonna finish with that stack of scripts. my feet are killing me. -you can have them as soon as i'm through with them. -okay, mack. -the name is mr. benny. -you didn't mind me calling you mack last night. -well, that was on mulholland drive. now we're in the office. -okay, poopsie. -poopsie. -say jack, look. here's a script you were nuts about, and we've never been able to do it. -this one, let's see. oh yeah, i remember this. yeah, this will be fine. -sure, all your writers have to do is cut it down to time and polish it up a bit. -no, no, no, joe. you and the writers do it. i'm going out to play golf. -but jack! -and another thing, i've been working too hard. so i'm gonna miss the first couple days of rehearsal. and get me a stand-in. -well, we won't know how the show's going to work out with a stand-in.

-i gotta do this, i gotta do that. i don't gotta do anything. i'm going out and play golf. -[ms. avery] so long, mack! -oh, shut up! -what's with him? -oh, i don't know. hard to believe that he's the same man i discovered. -what? you discovered jack benny? -well yes, didn't you know? -no. -well let me tell you about it. it was many years ago. i was driving through arkansas and my car broke down. i had to stay overnight. so, to kill a few hours, i went to the local theatre. they didn't even have a marquee. i can still remember the master of ceremonies walking out on that stage. (applause)

your favorite and mine, from your own local community, zeke benny and his ozark hillbillies. (applause) (fiddle playing)

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy, when skies are grey you'll never know dear, how much i love you please don't take my sunshine away.

- i wanna thank you folks. and i'll like to have you meet my boys. fella standin' back there with the concertina, his name is charlie bagby. he's a smart one of the group. hey bag, how much is two and two? (stomping)

this fella here, with the clarinet, his name is wayne songer. stand up, wayne. we're mighty proud of wayne. last week, at the county fair, he won first prize in the fly attraction contest. wasn't even entered. good work. this is my wife. that's our son, sammy.

his name is don rice. that ain't exactly a crew cut. see, the reason his hair stands up like that is because he was pardoned 30 seconds after they pulled the switch. remember, boys? they tried the gas chamber, but he kept eatin' the pellets. fella sittin' down here, my guitar player, that's frank remley. glad to see ya standing up, rem. you know, he never had a guitar lesson in his life. took it up by accident. he figured as long as his hand were shaking anyway, might as well have something behind it.

he's quite a card. hey rem, say somethin' funny. -razzamatazz! -and now folks, we're gonna-- -[man with black hat] now listen, lem! i got a bone to pick with you. i don't like the way you been treatin' my daughter! -how come? -you took her out last night. -well, i brought her back. -that's what i mean! (gun shot)

now we're gonna play a real hot tune for ya, called fascinatin' rhythm. hit it boys.

(applause)

-hello, rochester. -hello, boss. gee, you're home kinda late. you must've worked real hard in the office. -no, i didn't stay at the office. i went over to the club, played some golf, had dinner, played gin rummy with the fellas.

believe me, i think i'm entitled to a little relaxation. -[rochester] i think so. -[jack] yeah, i wish my manager felt the same way. he thought i was ritzy just because i asked for a stand-in. -you ritzy? -[jack] yeah. believe me, underneath i haven't changed in 30 years. -oh, goodnight folks. (orchestra theme music) the jack benny program.

- rochester. - yes, sir. (audience applauding) - i think could stand it a little hotter, turn up the steam will you. - yes, sir. - not too hot now, be careful. gee, i'm glad i bought this cabinet. how long have i been in here? - about ten minutes. i hope you aren't taking too much. - what do the instructions say? - let's see. men up to 20 years old, stay in cabinet not more than a half hour. - half hour. - men up to 25 years, no more than 20 minutes. - 20 minutes. (audience laughing) - men up to 30 years of age, no more than 15 minutes. - 15. - men up to, uh-uh. - what you are uh-uhing about? - according to this chart, i should have just dipped you in like a tea bag. (audience laughing) - oh stop. gee, i think i've had enough. i better get out.

- why, haven't i had enough? - yeah, but the potatoes aren't done yet. (audience laughing) - oh darn it. - don't blame me, it was your own idea. as long as you had this heat, you didn't want to waste it. (audience laughing) - well. - what a job i had trying to talk you out of trying to hold that leg of lamb in your lap. (audience laughing) - i am just trying to economize. oh by the way, rochester, i meant to ask you something. do you know where my binoculars are? - your binoculars? - yes, later on i'm going to take ms. livingstone to the races. (bell dings) - uh-oh. - what's that? - potatoes are done. (audience laughing) - oh, well take them out. - yes, sir. (audience laughing) one for you, one for me.

- rochester, i think i've had enough. bring me a towel will you? - yes, sir. i sure hate to see you get out of there boss. - why? - well, i've been with you for 22 years and this is the first time you look like you have shoulders. (audience laughing) - now don't be funny. (doorbell rings) if that's ms. livingstone, tell her i will be down in a few minutes. - yes, sir. hello, ms. livingstone, come on in. - hello, rochester. (audience applauding) - mr. benny will be down in a few minutes. - thank you. - i sure hope you have a nice time at the races today. - i do too. i don't know too much about the horses, but mr. benny says he has a tip. - ms. livingstone, if you don't mind, i can tell you something about the horses that very few people know. - what's that? - well, the race really begins in paddock.

that's a very important element. because that's where the horse makes up it's mind whether he has the incentive to go out there and win the race or whether he doesn't care. it's the horses mental attitude before the race begins. - rochester, how do you know so much about horses? - ms. livingstone, when you work like one, you think like one. (audience laughing) - i know what you mean. you do work awfully hard. - you know, ms. livingstone, i'm thinking about asking mr. benny for a vacation. because every once in awhile, you have got to get away from it all. - you are absolutely right. you know, last season i got to the point where i just couldn't take it anymore. i told mr. benny that if i didn't get a change of scenery, i would go out of my mind. - change of scenery? where did he send you? - no place. he put a palm tree in my dressing room. (audience laughing) - (laughs) that's our boss. i'll put these things away.

- coming. hello, mary. - hi. - sorry i kept you waiting. what did you do, walk over? - no, i took the cab. - a cab, for only five blocks? gee, if i were going to your house i wouldn't call for a cab. - you wouldn't call for help if it had a meter on it. (audience laughing) - meter on it, meter on it. mary, you keep that up and on your next vacation, you're not getting a palm tree. (audience laughing) and another thing-- - jack, are we going to the races or not? - well, of course we're going. mary, you know that tip i told you about? well, it's in the 6th race, speedy girl. - speedy girl? - yip, and that's the horse i'm going to bet on. - here are your binoculars boss. - thanks. rochester, ms. livingstone and i will have a sandwich before we go to the track. - yes, sir. - why don't we have lunch out there. - okay, never mind the sandwiches. rochester, get my car out please.

- mary, i'll go and get my coat and then we'll-- (doorbell rings) now who can that be? - that must be dennis. - dennis day? - yes, see i ran into him yesterday and he had nothing to do, so i asked him to go to the races with us. - you asked... oh, mary, you know that kid drives me nuts. - but jack, you haven't seen him in a long time and he's very anxious to see you too. (doorbell rings) go answer the door. - ohhh. (audience laughing) - hello, dennis. - hello, mr. benny. (audience applauding) - come on in. - thanks. how do you feel? - fine, fine. - how's everything going? - good, good. - well hi, mary. - [mary] hello, dennis. gee, i'm sure glad you invited me to go to the races with you

- tell me what? - that i'm suing you for 50,000 dollars. (audience laughing) - what? - dennis, what's this all about? why are you suing mr. benny? - well every time he talks to people about me, he says i'm stupid. - well dennis, if you felt that way all these years, why are you suing me now? - because i've had enough. from now i want to be addressed with dignity. my name is dennis s. day. - what does the "s" stand for? - if i told you, i would lose my case. (audience laughing) - i thought so. - well anyway, after i collect the 50,000 from you, i'm suing someone else who called me stupid. - who's that? - my lawyer. (audience laughing) - we have to ask him yet. mary, you invited dennis s. day to go to the track with us

i'm going upstairs and get my coat. - okay. - say mary, while we're waiting for the defendant to come back, would you like to hear a song i just recorded? - oh, i'd love to. what are you going to sing, dennis? - it's, "if i loved you." (lyrics) if i loved you, time and again i would try to say all i want you to know. if i loved you, words wouldn't come in an easy way.

but afraid and shy i'd let my golden chances pass me by. soon you'd leave me. off you would go in the mist of day. never, never, would've how i loved you, if i loved you

- that was beautiful.

- well, i' - i was ready an hour ago. - well say, mr. benny, since we are going to the races, would you lend me 1,000 dollars? (audience laughing) - lend you... dennis, if i lent you 1,000 dollars, how would you pay it back? - well, i'll let you deduct it from what you'll owe me after the trial. (audience laughing)

(crowd yelling) - alright, who won? - my uncle. - your uncle is a jockey? - no, the horse. (audience laughing) - mary, why did you... dennis, will you stop making up those silly things? now sit down and be quiet. - [voiceover] ladies and gentleman, the 5th race was a photo finish. we will have the results in a moment. it is between gallant lad and joseph day.

- how do you like that? even a coincidence has to be on his side. (audience laughing) - dennis, now just sit there and be quiet and let me enjoy myself. - enjoy yourself? you've been here for five races and haven't bet on a horse yet. - i told you i'm waiting until the 6th, speedy girl can't lose. - well, we have about a half hour, why don't we go to lunch. - okay, come on. come on, mary, i'll buy you lunch. (audience laughing) - dennis, would you like to have lunch with us? - oh no thanks, mary, i'm too excited to eat. - good, good. - hey, bud. bud. (audience applauding) long time no see.

let's get away from here, mary. i finally met that (mumbling) at the race track. - why don't we get any service around here? where are the waiters anyway? - jack, we just got here. - oh we just... that's the trouble with you mary. you let everybody push you around. well i'm not going to. oh waiter, waiter! - i'm coming, i'm coming. don't rush me. (audience laughing) don't be so impatient. you're not the only one here you know. the lady is waiting too. - well she's with me. - no. (audience laughing) - now, don't be funny.

- at the moment there isn't any. number one will be ready when it's cleared off. - while we're waiting, you can take our order. what would you suggest? - another waiter. you make me so nervous. (audience laughing) - i don't care whether i make you nervous or not. what can we get in a hurry? - well, we have roast beef, leg of lamb, corned beef, and bacon and eggs. - bacon and eggs, that sounds good. are the eggs fresh? - of course they are. (audience laughing) - mary, would you like bacon and eggs? - of course i would. (audience laughing) - i don't know. i don't feel like eggs. - how about hamburger? - well, is the hamburger fresh? - fresh? it was in the first race. (audience laughing) - cut that out.

- yes sir, yes sir. (audience laughing) - [voiceover] ladies and gentleman, as you all know, the last race was a photo finish, but you won't know the results until tomorrow. - gee, that's strange. - [voiceover] the picture turned out so good that we've decided to show it at your neighborhood theater. (audience laughing) - come on, mary, our table is ready. - [man] hey, bud. bud. (audience laughing) - huh? - come here a minute. - who, me? - yeah. - what is it? - you eating here? - yeah. - what table? - table number one. - uh-uh. (audience laughing) take table number nine.

- think it over bud. table number one is a card table. - so what. - if it carries too much weight, it's legs will fold. (audience laughing) - yeah, i never thought of that. why should i take number nine? - well, just think of the breeding. - the breading? - it's by birds eye maple out of grand rapids. (audience laughing) - gee, i didn't even think they knew each other. (audience laughing) - get wise bud, think it over. - why don't you give me a tip on a horse? - who knows anything about horses? (audience laughing) - well, so long sucker.

- i wish he'd leave me alone. - here's your bacon and eggs, table number one. - table number one? what do you think i am, a sucker? (audience laughing) we're not going to eat here. - what difference does it make what table we're at. - it makes a lot of difference. now put us at table nine. - table nine? you mean the birds eye maple one? - yes. - well, i'm sorry you can't eat at that table. - why not? - it was scratched. (audience laughing) - stop with those jokes. put us at table nine. - alright, alright. i'll change you. (audience laughing) this is the saddest. (audience laughing) well, are you coming? (audience laughing) - mary, let's go.

- eat later, eat later. eating with you is the best diet i know.

- gee, mary, the 6th race will be starting soon. - i wonder where jack is. oh jack, jack. did you get the information you wanted? - no, but i came here to be on speedy girl and that's what i'm going to do. say, dennis? - [dennis] yes? - you know this is your first time at the tracks, so take a tip from me and put your money on speedy girl. - speedy girl? let's see. oh, that's number eight. - that's right. - that's no good for me. i already bet on number 12. - number 12? what's the name of the horse? - who cares. it's the number that's important. that's my system. - dennis, you've got a system? - yeah, sure. - dennis, according to your system,

- well you see, the horse is carrying 116 pounds, and this is the 6th race, so 116 and six is 122. now, the race starts at 14 minutes after four and 14 and four is 18 and 18 added to 122 makes 140. now this is the 4th week of the month, so four divided into 140 is 35. (audience laughing) - uh-huh. - then i took my age which is 26 and subtracted it from 35 which leaves me nine. - uh-huh. - then i added three to nine and i bet on number 12. - now dennis, i followed you until nine, now why did you add three? - well, how else can you get to 12? (audience laughing) - mary, did you hear--- - i lost him at 35.

- come on, let's go to the five dollar window. hey, wait a minute. hey, mary look. isn't that my sponsor, mr. lewis, sitting over there. - where? - right over there. - yes it is. - come on, let's go over and say hello to him. - oh jack, look, he came to enjoy himself, leave him alone. - but, mary, he's my sponsor. if he thought i was here and didn't come over and say hello, he would be heartbroken. - oh jack, please. - come on. - [voiceover] now going out on the track are the horses for the 6th race. riptide, speedy girl, silveret, flying cloud, wild wade, pinky, contraband, and sir retco. - hey, mr. lewis. - hello, mary. - hello, how are you mr. lewis? - hello, jack. - hello, mr. lewis. well, who we got in the next race? - flying cloud.

and bet on speedy girl. she'll win by eight lengths. - jack, my mind is made up. i'm going to play flying cloud. - but mr. lewis. - jack, let him bet any way he wants. - well mary, it's silly to come out to track and bet on anything. (audience laughing) look, mr. lewis, i have been following these horses all season and i know what i'm talking about. - jack, please. - mary. speedy girl can't lose. - jack, i'm sorry, but i'm betting flying cloud. - okay, (laughs) it's your dough. don't say i didn't tell you. (audience laughing) - [voiceover] the horses are nearing the starting gait. - well, i'm going up to the window and make my bet. five dollars on the nose. (audience laughing) - say, mary? - yes, me. lewis? - i been thinking, if jack bets five dollars on a horse, he must know something. - are you kidding? he read four books on american history

(audience laughing) - well, i'm going to change my bet. i'm putting 100 dollars on speedy girl. - oh, will you do me a favor and bet two dollars for me? - i'd be glad to, mary. - thanks. - [voiceover] the horses are in the starting gait. - gee, i'm glad i got there in time. - [voiceover] now they're all in the gait and there they go. going into the first turn is wild wade in front, pinky is 2nd, silveret is 3rd, flying cloud is 4th, and speedy girl. contraband, flying cloud, sir retco, and speedy girl. breaking on top is riptide. coming around the far turn it is still wild wade and pinky is 2nd, silveret is 3rd,

and sir retco. riding down the home stretch, it's silveret in front, wild wade is 2nd, speedy girl is 3rd, and here comes contraband and flying cloud. it is silveret and flying cloud. now, flying cloud is pounding hard and it is flying cloud the winner by half a length. - mr. lewis, we won, we won. - what do you mean we won? - i bet on your horse, flying cloud. - you what? jack, you mean to tell me when you left here, you didn't bet on speedy girl? - no, you talked me out of it. (audience laughing) what are you so unhappy about? - jack benny, i bet on the horse you gave me. - you did? gee, mr. lewis, how could you be so silly? (audience laughing) - how dare you call me silly. - well, it isn't my fault if you're a sore loser. (audience laughing)

mr. benny, mr. benny. (audience laughing) mr. lewis, how could you do such a thing? - he didn't do it, i did.

(audience laughing) - waiter, waiter. - can't you see i'm busy. (audience laughing) oh, it's you again. now what do you want? - could i get a steak? - medium or well done? - raw, it's for my eye. (audience laughing) - don't tell me how, tell me who. i want to congratulate them. (audience laughing)

[music] what are you doing, george? oh, hello, dear. well, the plant food i've been using has just done wonders for my fuchsias and azaleas but--well, nothing seems to help my--rubber plant. so, i'm doing a little experimenting. oh, now, george, remember the last time you experimented by mixing your own weed killer? oh, well, now, martha, we needed a new lawn, anyway. maybe some of the members of your garden club can suggest something to use on the plant. what, me, ask those hot house has-beens for advice after the way they treated me? never. now, i'll just put this in here and-- [frog croaking] good grief. out, boy, scat. out, out. martha, those little beasts have just got to go.