there's nothing wrong with taking a break once in a while. it's just i can't help feeling i'm up here on sort of consignment. one mistake, and i'm shipped back downstairs. levitt, as long as you get your work done, that is all that concerns me. yes, sir. all right. just relax. have a cup of coffee. then go back and finish your work. thank you, sir. you're not really gonna drink that, are you? you get much too excited. don't worry. we'll have this whole nasty business straightened out in a jiffy. i hope so. sergeant harris? yoo-hoo? marty. [ laughs ] what an unexpected pleasure. oh, go on. they're the best kind. [ laughs ] oh, you know my friend darryl driscoll? sure. mr. driscoll. hello, sergeant. is captain miller available?

thank you. don't worry. it'll be just fine. hello, sergeant wojciehowicz. yeah. hi. how you doing? you're looking good. um...thanks. you, uh, you look good yourself. can i get in on this? [ telephone rings ] excuse me. ah, driscoll, marty. been a long time. oh, too long. my, you've certainly done some lovely things with this room. could we stop perpetuating the stereotype for a moment and get on with this? barn, call from dispatch. we got a jumper. i'll break his fall. some guy's on top of the washington arch.

hey, captain, this is quite urgent. we can talk in my office. come on, harris -- you and me. oh, just a second. barn? barney, i'm expecting this really important phone call. could dietrich maybe -- harris, there's a jumper out there. oh! sure. that's all i need is a jumper. maybe it's your broker.

as you can see, it grants me visitation rights every other weekend plus a full month with jason every summer. appears to be in order. well, i wish someone would tell that to my ex-wife. i take it she's not in compliance? she won't even let me talk to jason, much less have a day with him. who died and made her queen? i was able to see him on a regular basis until recently. then suddenly she just cut me off.

well, jason starts his winter vacation tomorrow. he goes to wykoff academy over on lafayette street. are you familiar with h ? i'm afraid not. you know it. they all wear those cute blazers. well, i'm supposed to get him for the two weeks. now, eleanor says he has to go with her to visit his grandparents. she's taking him to detroit. i mean, talk about child abuse. i want that enforced before she packs him off to motown. [ chuckles ] i'm afraid this is not really in our jurisdiction. custodial disputes are a matter for family court. try to understand. jason is my only son. mr. driscoll, i'm -- captain, my chances of having another are incredibly slim. nil, in fact. yeah?

and updating both the detective and precinct files, weeding out obsolete and duplicate records, cross-referencing by crime and criminal, interfacing and coding all pertinent information. i was thinking of doing that. any questions? you putting on weight? here! so i go back to court, get another order, she ignores it, i go back to court again? i'm afraid that's the system. morning, captain. zatelli. oh, hi, there. hey, how you doing? you work here? yeah, that's right. excuse me. i'll be right back. captain, thank you for your help. look, i'm sure you'll be able to -- martin, we're going. inside, space cadet. sergeant, i had no intention of jumping, you know. yeah, i know. the only reason i was up there was that my coordinates were off.

marty. certainly nothing to kill yourself over. is this our jumper? not getting off that easy. this is adam boyer. this is captain miller. hello. mr. boyer. he was just sitting on top of the washington arch. well, i hadn't planned on materializing at that particular location. materializing? better tell him where you're from. denver. um...what year? yeah, that's 2037 a.d. how are the broncos doing? they moved, huh? he's a time traveler. well, that's just part of my job. i'm a cultural historian at columbia university. i specialize in the latter 1900s. i just came back to gather some additional data on the prevailing social attitudes, mores -- you know, this type of thing. you realize we don't believe a word you're saying. of course. that's why i can tell you. mr. boyer, we're gonna need

fine, fine. i have some questions for you, too, if you don't mind. harris? could you take a statement from mr. boyer? oh, sure, barney. mr. boyer, take a seat right over here, please. groovy. oh, did that come back? the mail, sir. thank you, zatelli. you're welcome. anything else, sir? not from me. hey, you know that guy this morning? i just seen him around. you probably know him better than i do. zatelli, don't you think it would be wiser if it came from you voluntarily instead of as a result of some stupid chance meeting like this morning? this morning? that was a fluke. you can't keep it up indefinitely. why not? nobody here knows. i do. hey, i trust you. zatelli, that's very flattering,

in casual conversation, unwittingly, i may say something. like what? like, "zatelli's gay." that'll do it, sir. you can use the phone here if you want to call a lawyer. lawyer? oh, i'd forgotten. you still have them. hmm? they were outlawed in '98. no kidding? yes, yes. all legal matters are handled by realtors. [ telephone rings ] [ laughs ] 12th precinct. sergeant harris. oh, yeah. hey, man, look. i've been trying to get in touch with you all day. no. unh-unh. look. forget about blue chips. i've decided to go heavy into gold. hmm... uh, yeah, i'm leaning toward bullion. you know, no coinage fees. [ chuckles ]

something i should know? well, medicine hat in canada, they struck gold in '81, i think it was, yeah. tons of it came out. price plummeted back down to $35 an ounce. [ whistles ] oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! for a second, i almost forgot you were crazy! [ laughs ] okay. [ knock on door ] yeah? how you doing? hey. we just got a call from the wykoff academy. yeah? that guy, mr. driscoll. yes? he tried to snatch his son from the playground. oh, lovely. what's he doing with a kid? i'm not criticizing, barn. i'm just surprised. he's a fruit. [ laughs ] i'll take dietrich.

so, ron, you see, with the price of gold virtually worthless, the world economy simply collapsed. that's nice. it wasn't until '84 that gold is replaced as the world's standard by another commodity. which was? zinc. [ laughing ] zinc? get in there. zinc! [ laughs ] yes, harris? barney, we have a seriously deranged person out there. i hope you're referring to mr. boyer. oh, barn, the man talks gibberish. run a check on him? i tried. and? well, no record of him. name didn't check out. prints don't check out.

must have. anyway, i've put in a call to bellevue. bellevue? yeah, something the matter? i never heard you refer to it that way. usually you use a more colorful term, like "the enchanted kingdom," "fantasy island." have you ever heard of medicine hat? medicine hat? i don't get it. just get inside, marty. i know the way. i have a right to see my son, sergeant. who's arguing with you? you gentlemen look familiar. d\j vu. they walked in, snatched him off the basketball court. the gym teacher stopped them. she didn't have to be so rough. that was a stupid thing to do. captain, since no one here would lift a finger

well... now, why didn't i think of that? i called mrs. driscoll at work. she's coming down to press charges. do we have to drag her into this? all right. we're gonna have to book you. fine. marty, i believe you know the procedure. they never let you forget, do they? you're the same one who booked me that last time, right, sergeant? mm-hmm. i enjoyed it very much. was it good for you? well, look, i was thinking of holding off on gold for the time being. no. no stocks. no. no treasury bonds, either. um... i was thinking of zinc. yeah, zinc. what's it going for these days?

uh...yeah, well, look, i might be willing to, you know, spring for a couple of tons. what the hell were you doing? you have pulled some stupid stunts, but i don't believe this one. hello, eleanor. i am looking for captain miller. you're mrs. driscoll? i still go by that. okay, just relax, all right? i'll go get him. hi, there. i've -- i've heard a lot about you. that is the best you could do? well, i was hoping we could be friends. mrs. driscoll, i'm captain miller. could we get on with this? certainly. if you sign a complaint, mr. driscoll and mr. morrison will be charged with custodial interference,

fine. fine. sergeant harris would be happy to help you, right, sergeant? okay. mrs. driscoll, would you have a seat over here, please? how old is your kid? is that necessary for the report? no, i'm just curious. 10 1/2. i emphasize the 1/2 at jason's insistence. [ both chuckle ] all right. would you like to see his photograph? sure. hey, he's a little leaguer. he plays on our team sponsored by the antique guild.

yes? you had a wife and a kid -- you know, a nice family. it just seems like so much to give up for something that might just turn out to be a -- a fad. we're not talking about the hula-hoop, sergeant. maybe you just didn't give heterosexuality a fair shake. i mean, if you'd just hung in there a little longer, applied yourself, you might have got the hang of it. look, i had the hang of it. the point is, i was just going through the motions. [ sighs ] well, i do that... sometimes. okay, mrs. driscoll, if you'll look this over and sign it, then i can get back to other things. be sure it's all there. look, darryl...

if you will agree to stay away from jason. then you'd better sign it. here we go. can't you be reasonable about this? i mean, have jason's interests at heart. he deserves a father! i deserved a husband. we can't have everything, can we? that's it. let it out. hey, come on, folks. problems? not me. mrs. driscoll, have you, uh, signed the complaint? look, captain, i am not out to put him in jail. i just want him to be kept away from jason. you can understand that. not entirely, no. well, i can't have him off frolicking every other weekend with my son. i don't frolic. captain, jason is at a very impressionable age. i don't want him exposed to a --

you haven't even been over! look, you are a policeman. you deal with these, uh, people all the time. i mean, you know how they are. i'm gay. excuse the interruption. uh [clears throat] may i say something? sure. why not? well, if it's of any help to you, i can tell you that this whole issue of sexual preference was resolved in the years to come. what with the overpopulation and dwindling resources, homosexuality was accepted and even encouraged as a mode of behavior. and when did you say this starts? hey, back off. mrs. driscoll,

well, if he could just change his ways. ellen, please. i'm not talking about your being gay. i'm talking about what you do with jason. i don't understand that. oh, taking him to the ballet and to broadway shows and the best restaurants in town. now, what's the matter with that? you're making me look bad! i just want him to have a good time. oh, right. easy. and then he gets to come home, and i get to be the heavy. "do your homework! go to bed! no, we can't afford truffles." [ chuckles ] he is quite the little gourmet, isn't he? [ sighs ] look, i didn't know this was a problem. do me a favor. just say no to him once in a while. bore him a little. don't be so damn entertaining all the time.

i'm gonna hold you to that. well? let's drop the charges. thank you, mrs. driscoll. mr. driscoll, mr. morrison, you're free to go. call me next week, and we'll make arrangements. [ chuckles ] i'll do that. take care of yourself. you too. goodbye, mr. morrison. let's do it again soon. sure. go be gracious. sergeant wojciehowicz, thank you for your courtesy and your advice. think about it. [ chuckles ] goodbye, sergeant. let's go, marty. so long, everyone.

i'm finished. swell. anything else you need? oh, no, no. that should about do it, zatelli. hey, don't take it so hard. i can still file. come on, mr. boyer, we're going. bellevue, right? afraid so. well, that's no problem. my colleagues are about to beam me back anyway. well, that's convenient. you'll just have to sign for your things. oh, sure. well, it's been a pleasure meeting you all. it's a shame to think that you're all dead now. imagine how we feel. look, you want to sign right here, mr. boyer? sure. okay. let's go. "dietrich, a."? "dietrich, a."? arthur dietrich?

of course. oh! to think that i... oh, my god. could i -- could i shake your hand? sure. it's no big thing. what an honor this is, sir. you're all very privileged. come on, mr. spock. you want to move it? sure. hey, i couldn't have done it without yous. mail call! very funny. something the matter? oh, no, no. it's just seeing you like that. it's a little strange.

morning. hey, barn. [ door closes ] morning, sir! morning, levitt. mail, sir! thank you. you know, this is not the army. i realize that, but in that uniform, you do inspire a certain degree of rabid obedience. really? wojo. can i change now? no. i wore it in. proves i got it. regulations. regulation 312, stroke "b," requires all plainclothes officers to be in uniform once a year to ensure a full uniformed capability in the event of civil disorder or a natural disaster. very good, levitt.