[ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] >> how would you like to meet a nice girl? >> i'm married, but if nobody finds out, i'll-- >> right. [ laughter ] >> i'd be delighted. >> susan blakely is here, tonight. >> oh, i-- she's very talented. >> yeah, she was a former model, for magazines, television commercials, and now she is a very successful actor. she was in >> absolutely. >> and, uh-- >> richard chamberlain's wife. >> right, called "report to the commissioner," in which she has one of the leading roles. >> oh. >> would you welcome, please, susan blakely? [ applause ] [ cheering ] [ music ] >> don't sit on mel. >> silly mix sugar. >> oh, thank-thank you, for the yiddish. >> isn't he a silly man? >> silly. [ chuckling ] >> you were very good in that picture, by the way. >> thank you. >> i haven't seen "report to the commissioner,"

>> yes. >> now, really, "report to the commissioner." of mine, too. >> murray, the nut? you know, the guy with the-- [ laughter ] >> i saw "report to the moment, i said, "gee, that's too bad." i said, "that's a very small part." you know, because they do a flashback, in the thing, that shows, in the opening scene-- >> i'm dead. >> and you're-you're up, in this loft, and all of a sudden, you're shot. and i said, "gee, she's a nice, talented young actress, but she didn't get much of a part, then, all of a sudden, it's a flashback, of course, and you're in the entire picture. >> well, i was so great at being dead, wasn't i? [ laughter ] >> you died. you die-- i-i die nicely, also. but you die real nice. you died with your clothes off. >> that's even harder. >> in that picture. >> and i don't breathe, at all. you don't see one breath. i always check that on people. >> do you ever see a motion picture, where somebody is dying, and they're standin' there-- and they said, "well, i guess we'll have to sell the ranch," and you see the guy lyin'-- [ loud breathing ] [ laughter ] their stomach is going up and down. >> i know. >> but you-you were lying face-down, you see, so you when you're breathing. >> i did a picture, a while ago, with, uh-- it was freezing outside, and i die again. i haven't worked much, when everyone's dying. >> yeah. >> and, uh-- >> what kills ya,

you were-- gun fire. >> uh, i get shot. it's a-- it's a picture-- a remake of "capone." it's called "big al." and, uh, ben gazzara is capone, and he comes over the-- and he has this long monologue, where i'm supposed to be dead, and he's holding me. it was freezing outside, so if you-- if you let any air out, at all, you see it, you know? >> right. >> so, i kept trying to-to so carefully let a little bit of air out [ chuckling ] at a time, and he kept going on and on, you know? so, i finally buried my head. i let him-- i smashed my head up against his coat. >> yeah. you're a very good actress. >> why don't they call it "big ben?" >> they didn't call it "big ed-- big ben." they called it "big al." al capone. >> and "big ben" woulda been about the clock. >> right. about a-- about a crooked clock. >> can you see a -- can you see a movie about big ben, [ laughing ] >> that is part of the mafia? "i dunno. all i do is chime. [ laughter ] what do you want from me? i didn't do nothin'." bong! "i was just there and took something -- i did, uh, up to 4:00, then i quit." [ laughter ] that's ludicrous. i'm sorry.

and you're not sorry. you're just sayin' that. somebody told me you were an-- what they call an army brat. your dad is in a military service, all his life, and you went from one post to another. >> i was a brat, my father was in the army, so, it's what it's called. >> yeah. where'd you live? >> well, i was born in germany. >> you were? >> and i lived there a lot. and i lived i-- [ speaking in german ] [ chuckling ] >> you don't like germans, do you? >> i hate 'em. [ laughter ] >> oh, no, it's okay. i only-only hate nazis, and only in-in black-and-white old '30's movies. you know. >> really? >> yeah, really. >> you have to limit it. >> i mean, a kid is a kid. what do you do as a kid, you know. >> i know. i came back from germany, and i didn't know, uh-- i-i used to mix up my words. i didn't know which was german and which was english. >> what did he say to you? did he say anything at all? >> who? >> mel. >> no. no, no. but-but i-i-i-i would-- [ speaking in german ] >> oh, yes. he said, "well, how are you, this evening?" >> yeah, whatever. >> i remember a little of it. but i remember a kid drawing a-- they-they were gonna play war. >> i also know, heil hitler. >> no. >> all right, they were gonna play war. go ahead. [ chuckling ] >> and, uh-- >> yes. [ laughter ] >> go go. >> and-and they said,

the-- in the dirt, in the-the playground, a swastika-- which i had never seen. i-i didn't know anything about it when i was in germany. i was so young. and he said, "we're gonna play war. we're the americans, and you're this." this thing. this sign. i didn't know what it was, you know? but all i knew i was the only one, and they were all on the other side, you know? that was really sad. >> so, you-you were born in germany. >> yeah. >> but, uh, he had your-- automatically had your american citizenship, there, because your father was a-- >> yes, i was an army brat. >> then you came back, and got into com-commercials? was that the first thing you did? modeling? >> modeling commercials. >> how ol-- how old were you, when you came-came back to the states? >> 10. but i-i came back in between. >> so serious language problem. you probably knew-knew as much german as english. i mean, you know, to use-- >> no, no, no. i came back, in between, for about four or five years. i went back, and, uh, i forgot german very quickly, when i found out how the americans felt about the germans. >> where is your basic family? i mean, what-what part of the states? >> now? >> no-- [ chuckling ] i'm sorry, john. [ laughter ] i have no intentions of taking over.

catch a nap, anyway, here. [ laughter ] uh, no, you're doin' a great thing. uh. >> now, just-- but, tell us. tell us. just tell us. >> i was just gonna ask that, myself. [ laughter ] how old were you, when you came back here? and, uh, that must-- that's a terrible trauma, being 10, and coming back here. >> do-do you mean where is my family from? >> yes. >> ye-yes. where're your family from? [ laughter ] >> talk to him. [ fake screaming ] [ laughter ] >> talk to him. >> they originally came from, uh-- from here. >> well, my father was-- you know, my father was an orphan who grew up, um, in the midwest, on different farms. and my mother grew up on a farm, in st. joseph, missouri. so they're real midwesterners. or sisters? >> that was-- that was next. i usually go right to uncles and aunts, but, uh-- i ask about uncles first. >> let's-let's do it in harmony-- "do you have any brothers or sisters?" brothers and sisters. >> are you gonna be top harmony? >> i have one brother. >> one, two, three, "do you have any brothers or sisters? >> you see, it's kind of a-- >> it's called mr. harmony. >> harry harmony.

>> how are ya? how are ya? >> my brother's waiting for this answer, in hawaii. >> yeah. >> one brother. >> but, it's enough, because he's six foot 10. >> i have a very gigantic >> you're kidding. [ applause ] you're very tall, yourself, aren't you? >> no, i'm not that tall. >> i know you're not 6'10". >> but, i mean, you're tall, for a girl. not for other girls. [ laughter ] five-eight and a half? >> what were some of the commercials you did? >> you don't watch me, in between? you haven't watched me, for years-- for six years, i've been doing commercials. does anyone here recognize me? i've done e few hundred i sold everything. >> i do! >> do you? >> murray, the nut. >> that's the guy. [ laughter ] >> crazy-- what kinda products? just everything? >> anything. everything. >> you did a motorcycle somebody told me. >> yes. >> yeah. >> that's because i-i lied. i thought that, um-- they said, "can you ride a motorcycle? you must-- you got the commercial, if you can really ride a motorcycle very well." >> i said sure, because i thought-- i had a week.

>> you should always do that. you know. always say yes. >> that's right. i'm a very good comedian, by the way. >> "can you-- " flying trapeze? yes! >> right. anything. i can-- i can do it. but i thought i could learn, and the thing was it was too complicated. you had to get a permit to learn, and so forth, so i didn't have time. and i get to the commercial, and, uh, there's all these things with the gear shifts and this and that. and i try and get the guy who's got the-the motorcycles to tell me, very quickly, what to do. and, uh, i-i wasn't too good on it, but we came zooming down a hill, and i went over a bump, and i went flying in the air, and i only got the hand brake. and if you don't get the foot brake, um-- >> connected to the thigh bone. >> the-the front wheel stops. >> right. >> so i went flying over the front. you know. and i really went flying over. but i had a director who was really very sweet, and so forth. and he said, "get back up there! the sun's going down!" so, i went zooming back up, and i didn't have time to get really scared. i had a lot of things like that, in commercials. >> yeah. motorcy-- that's dangerous. >> well, it was and it wasn't. the guy i was working with-- he had the little one-- the 100 cc, or whatever. he had been speeding for years, but he-he was on the different one.

>> i had the 350, which >> i know nothing about motorcycles. >> i don't, either. i'm just throwing out words and numbers. >> yeah. >> i'm not gonna help. >> what-what's next, mel? come on. >> no, i don't wanna interfere. >> you're not interfering. [ chuckling ] >> this is susan's spot! this is susan's spot. >> no, this is susan blakely. [ laughter ] [ whistling ] spot, back! uh, now-- i'm gonna-- but i-- but-- may i ask you some more questions? huh? uh, two hard-boiled eggs. now, may i ask-- may i ask you something? >> certainly. > > yeah. what do you think of me? [ laughter ] >> you know, when i first heard of you, i didn't know who you were. before i saw "the producers," which i really loved, my husband used to take the ferry out, to fire island, on fridays-- >> hold it. [ laughter ] >> no, no, no, no. no. do me a favor. do me a favor. do me a favor. >> no, i won't. >> are you from the midwest? >> yes. >> yeah, well, we say ferry. go ahead. keep goin'. [ laughter ] >> ferry. and-and, uh, he said that there used to be this crazy-- >> ferry. >> this crazy, wonderful guy, who would make jokes and sing

entertained, the whole way up. >> it was $3.20, from one side to the other. if you entertained the folks on the ferry, it was nothing. so, i used to work, for $3.20-- i used to work. >> and i-- yeah. the ferry. >> no. i love to work the ferry >> that's not true. [ laughter ] >> no, no. no. but i was-- i was-- i was loose and crazy, in-in my fire-island days. i was. had a little appetizing star. you know that everybody in fire island has a pawn shop for garbage. you know, they'll eat anything. so, i opened this little store, and we had chicken wings and plucked tongues. it was wonderful! [ laughter ] just wonderful. we sold everything with raisins in it, you know what i mean? [ laughter ] raisin. yes. meatballs with raisins. everything in it. [ laughter ] we didn't make one thing that didn't have a raisin in it. i made over $50 a year. [ laughter ] so, your husband knew me, from fire island. >> uh-huh. >> what does he do? is he in our business? what does your husband-- >> he's a writer. >> he's a writer! ah. do i know him? what's his name?

i don't know a todd. >> no. >> not bernie, murray. [ laughter ] lenny, or seymour. todd is hard for me. [ laughter ] >> he's jewish-- >> yeah, he is? >> he's jewish, from brooklyn, but that's just a strange name. >> ah! >> you never met a todd before? >> that's kind-- that's kind of a jewish name. >> he's passing -- todd. [ laughter ] but, does he write serious or comedy or what? >> he writes everything. he's a very good comedy-- >> he's a ubiquitous writer. very good. >> good word. that means being every place. >> yes, that's right. >> all over. >> that-that-that-that'll cover it. >> nice word. see, when you're a success, you-you go right and get big words. you can buy them. >> when you make over $100 a week, nothing stops you. >> that's right. >> nothing. >> go down, and pick up the frozen word section, and get new words, each-each week. >> now-- uh, one-- this guy-- what? >> i have to sell something. >> okay. >> then we'll come back, and, uh-- >> can i take-- can i take-- >> what? >> nah, i'll-i'll-- later. can i have one, for later? >> sure. [ laughter ] put-put it in the bag. we'll put it in your car. >> yeah, i-i-- >> we're gonna be back, after this message, from excedrin pm, the pain reliever that helps you get a

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[ music ] [ applause ] welcome to the mel brooks show! >> ah! >> now, this-- you know how great it is, to finally get you on this show? i been tryin' for months and months. >> i haven't been here for, what? three or four years? >> something like that. >> well, you know-- >> and you were with me, the opening show i did. >> yes, the first show you ever did. joan crawford. >> very first show. >> uh, groucho marx was there. >> that's right. rudy vallee. >> rudy vallee. >> and you. >> yes. and me. and i s-- i think i stood on your desk, and i did tony bennett. >> that's right. >> i did a lotta crazy things. >> yes. >> but you know why-- it's hard to do this show. i mean, susan, i'm sure-- because-- >> well, when susan does it, she'll find out. >> ostensibly-- [ laughter ] ostensibly-ostensibly, you're just chatting, you know what i mean? you're just chatting, and you're talking, and then-- and then you realize, somewhere in the middle of your heart, 10 million people are watching-- [ laughter ] are watching. they're watching you. you're not alone. you're not in a living room, with two jews. [ laughter ] there's a lotta people, here. i think i got this right, didn't i? [ laughter ]

>> leave it like this, for now. >> you know, bob rosefsky's here, tonight, and i'll bet he's thrilled about that. [ laughter ] 'cause he has a book out, called "the money book." >> oh. >> bob has been with us, before, know what that is? that's a bad factory second of a dumbbell that didn't turn out. [ laughter ] uh, anyway, he has a new book, called, uh-- he's got some old books, too, but this is the new one. [ laughter ] bob comes on and tells ya how to avoid, you know, being taken and getting ripped off, in today's society. uh, and so forth and so on-- things like that. would you welcome bob rosefsky? [ music ] [ applause ] a wonderful man who wants to invest. remember the last time you were here? we talked about gold. that's before gold became legal? >> right. right. >> and, uh, lotta people-- nobody rushed out and bought gold, did they? >> no! >> yeah, the next day, i went-- >> yeah. no-- >> but nothing happened. nothing happened. >> nobody went out. >> nobody bought it, and the price went down, about $25 an ounce, and the public wasn't so dumb. the, uh-- >> was sellin'

and it went down to $173, thereabouts. >> why? now, people say why? >> because, the american public proved that they weren't as gullible as the speculators thought they would be. and i'm proud of them. i think they did a good thing. they put their money into savings, [ applause] and, uh, savings are flowing in, and this'll help people buy houses and cars-- >> right. >> and i think it'll help things turn around, a little bit. >> susan bought gold. [ laughter ] >> susan bought gold. >> yes. she bought gold. >> my jewish husband was very careful. way before that, though. he was stashing it away. >> well, if you'da bought it 10 years ago, you'd be fine. >> but you couldn't-- legally. >> that's true. >> no, you bought-- we bought coins. >> coins. oh, sure. >> yeah, coins. >> coins, right. >> what's the big rip-off, now? there-- are there any rip-offs currently going? >> well, yeah, there's, uh-- with unemployment, old snake oil sam comes out, and when he finds a need, he fills it. and, uh, there's some things going on that are preying on the unemployed-- schools that promise you, uh, training courses in, say, truck driving, for example. >> "earn big money!" >> big money. >> "drive a semi." i've seen that. yeah. >> federal trade commission is cracking down on a number of

jobs, if you take the training course-- which costs hundreds of dollars-- and then you find out that there were no jobs there, in the first place. a lotta young kids get involved in these things and spend money and then find out that the young kids can't get the jobs that are available, because the truckers hire people who've had driving experience. >> so, there are no truck driving jobs. >> precious few. >> how 'bout meat cutting, at home? i always-- [ laughter ] i always see, in those match folders-- have you ever seen that? "learn meat cutting at home," which sounds intriguing. >> "learn brain surgery." there's a lotta things you can do, like that. >> yeah. >> and, again, these things are-- >> well, that's how picasso started-- "draw me," right? wasn't' it? >> yeah, he-- [ laughter ] "draw this little puppy-dog." >> he got the nose wrong, he put two eyes on one side of it, and the guy said, "hey, wait a minute. we can have fun with this." [ laughter ] >> all started-- >> and, pablo picasso-- that's how he started. i don't lie. [ laughter ] >> all started-- all started from a match folder. >> right, "draw me." >> "draw me." >> right. >> remember that. >> and what about gutenberg? >> how 'bou-- >> the printing press. >> that's right. >> it started with "print me." [ laughter ] right? he made a press, and printed it, the guy became a millionaire.

[ applause ] >> just generally say what not to get into, or to be careful. >> well, i-i try, now, in "the money book," for example, to give people a program of meeting their long-term goals and their short-term goals-- how to budget, how to save, uh-- trying to give them something concrete that they can do their family planning with. >> now, the stock market has had a big jump, today. now, will people say, "hey, now's the time to--" >> well, a lot of people-- of course, the last, uh, six weeks or so had tremendous jump in the stock market, but i still maintain, most vehemently, that the stock market is a speculative device, not necessarily an investment device. you can't meet your long-term, certain, positive goals by taking chances on things. and the stock market is taking chances. i tell this story, in the book, of, uh-- in order to make the stock market come to life and-and see it for what it is-- the story of the rise and fall of national purple chicken gumball, which is a company i made up, and-- >> right. >> how they get involved in things and, uh, the-- >> i woulda bought into that.

but they ran in-- >> i think i did. you didn't make that up, did ya? bucks in that. [ chuckling ] >> uh, they run into, you know, things that people don't realize can happen-- like , there was a chicken pickers strike, down >> so that-- >> and the stock goes down. and then the strike was over, and it goes up. and then their competitors, amalgamated sweeteners, comes out with a low-calorie gumball, and the stock goes down, and the low-calorie gumball doesn't make it, so-- you know. but just trying to show people, 'cause people have money in the market, you may not have a direct investment in the market, but your pension fund is invested in the market. uh, your life insurance company probably has some money in the market. and you're affected by all these things. so i wanna try to make it-- uh, people see it for what it is, and that is a speculative type vehicle. i'm not saying don't get in. >> there are certain times and >> but you're not much of one when people come with a tip. people always come and say, "i wanna tell you about this." >> canadian vanadium. >> yes. >> i went for-- i had a-- went in a uranium mine, years ago. it was a very close friend of mine who said, "you gotta get in on these stocks.

to those. >> yeah, well, by the time you get the tip, 17 insiders up the road have already had it first and made their money on it. and that doesn't mean to say >> yeah. >> if it's that good, why did somebody tell somebody else? i never understood that. >> well, you-- >> to get up the stock, obviously, right? >> yeah, it's-it's to boost the company inside-- >> sometimes you have a very bright stock broker. he puts a lot of-- uh, customer's man-- he puts a lot of his customers into his stock. he gets a lot of other customers' men to put a lot of their customers' men into the same stock, and then he'll take his own money and take a little ride for three days. and then he'll get out, and whatever happens, happens. >> and he makes commissions, along the way. >> yeah. and-and-and it's-- it-- but sometimes, like you say-- uh, i had a stock, a couple years ago-- 20 years ago-- that did great! >> right. what was the name of that? >> american jew-- no, i don't-- [ laughter ] no. but-but, i would really like to find out, sir, what-- if somebody were to invest in anything-- what should he-- generally,

we have to buy the book? >> no. [ laughter ] to meet your long-term goals, i think that the fixed income security, such as savings accounts, over the long pull-- >> right. >> are gonna get you where you wanna get to, at the time you wanna get there. >> invest in air. [ laughter ] >> is it going up?

[ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] >> uh, young singer-- >> shallow-mouth bass. they get to those high notes. [ chuckling ] don't-don't tell me different. >> holly lipton was supposed to be with us, tonight. will be with us soon, again. she opens, at the playboy club, in san francisco, on february the 17th, and she'll be back with us, when she can. and, uh, if people wanna find out what we were talking about, tonight, they can, uh, read "the money book." right? >> right. >> which tells ya how to get it all together and answers all of your questions. >> i'm appearing at apartment 4a. [ laughter ] >> that's right. >> in the valley. >> bring your own, uh--

[ laughter ] i'd like ya to all come up-- >> take the wittier off ramp-- >> cnr will tell ya how to get to me. >> thank you. good night. [ cheering ]

i'm humbled, by that applause. everything here is just beautiful, samantha. thank you, gertrude. if i look a little green, it's pure envy. i break out whenever i see a friend happily married. your turn will come. i know, but when? as soon as you meet the right man. have any idea where he's hiding? i'll bet darrin knows plenty of nice single men.

but i'm always available. i'll have him invite someone to dinner friday night. oh, i'm so sorry! don't worry about it. it's an inexpensive replica. it can be replaced. it didn't look inexpensive. looks can be deceiving. are you gonna be able to come for dinner friday night? sure. but i think you'd be better off inviting hurricane hannah. [ laughs ] don't be silly. see you friday night. thanks. [ tinkles ] what time friday? 8:00.

honey, i'm home. hi, there, sweetheart. hi, baby. did you have a hard day at the office? the usual. i bet you're glad to have a nice home to return to after work. you bet i am. can i fix you a drink? thank you, sweetheart. i bet some fellows at the office aren't that lucky. none of them are.

are you driving at something, sam? why would you say that? something about your approach. there are probably lots of attractive bachelors at the office, aren't there? why? darrin, does every question have to have a "why" behind it? look, sam, nobody asks a question like that without having an ulterior motive. now, you own up. what is it? do you have some single girlfriend who's looking for a husband? well, there is one lovely girl i know. uh-huh. who? gertrude. do i know her? you met her at the hospital benefit. oh. was she the one with the... no, that's lola. was she the one with the... no, i think you're thinking about nancy. i am thinking about nancy. forget about nancy! think about gertrude.

she'll make a fine impression on some poor lonely boy at your office. no, she won't. i don't know any poor lonely boys. what about that artist friend of yours? kermit. oh, you're kidding! kermit's having a ball being single. women throw themselves at his feet. what a life that kermit lives. you were leading the same kind of life when you met me. and you were glad to give it up. weren't you? sure i was, sam. but a girl like you doesn't come along every day. neither does a girl like gertrude. i have an idea. why don't you ask kermit to dinner friday night? sam, if there's one thing kermit is not in the market for, it's a wife. darling, i'm just asking you to invite him to dinner, not his wedding. for me? please? hello, darrin. hi, kermit. come on in.

hello, kermit. ah, what'll i do with this, darrin? oh, my gosh! was it valuable? don't ask. don't kid. don't worry. it can be replaced just like that. stop trying to frighten the poor man. i'll do that. hi. i'm gertrude. oh, i'm kermit. thanks for setting me straight about that vase. my old buddy here had me worried for a minute. well, that vase happened to be an authentic relic. ha. so am i. were you warned about me or do i come as a horrible surprise? you're a delightful surprise. tell me all about yourself. oh, it's a terribly uninteresting story. why don't you tell me all about you? with pleasure. you just happened to hit on my favorite subject. he likes her. where did she get the idea that vase could be replaced? oh, don't worry about it, darling. it can.

samantha. mm-hmm? is gertrude a -- a what? you know. really, darrin. now, come on. they seem to have taken to each other. isn't that nice? "nice" isn't the word. it's strange. you're surrounded by beautiful girls day and night. i must come as quite a shock. what do you mean? well, i'm not exactly the model type. you're a very lovely type, and i wish you'd stop running yourself down. darrin, this girl is terrific. where have you been hiding her? you'll have to ask my wife that question. uh, what are you people drinking? i'll have a crazy charlie. uh, what's that? it's my own invention. it's composed of -- two parts vodka, one part gin, and one part bicarbonate of soda. how in the world did you know that? i don't know. i must be psychic. i'll have a crazy charlie, too. it sounds interesting.

make that three. three crazy charlies and one bicarb of soda... straight. i can't get over you knowing about crazy charlie. i bet you two find you have a lot of things in common. uh, kermit, come here. i need your help. i'll go. i want kermit. excuse me. what do you think of him? as a rule, i don't like handsome men, but he's the exception. be careful. of what? gertrude. what's the matter with her? i'm not sure. she seems perfectly okay to me. believe me, i know more about these things than you do. since when? since i got married. listen, chum, a marriage license is not a master's degree. i know what i'm talking about! so do i. take my advice -- ignore that girl.

what? i'll ignore you. oh, kermit. here. thank you. it's, uh... different. so are you. [ birds cawing ] the curlew are passing over early this year. don't tell me you're a bird lover! it's my one passion. don't tell me you are. oh, i have many hidden passions. that's one. hey, i've got a great idea. you want me to go bird-watching with you tomorrow morning. gertrude, that's absolutely astonishing. confess. you possess supernatural powers.

when? now! excuse me. is gertrude a witch? [ chuckles ] darrin! is that why you've been acting so funny? i've been acting funny? i'm glad you recognize it. oh, come on, sam! i want a straight answer. oh, for heaven's sake. for kermit's sake. gertrude is no more of a witch than -- than you are! i thought so. oh, i forgot myself for a minute. oh, no, you didn't. all right, gertrude is a witch. all of my friends are witches, and we're just waiting for the right time to swoop down on morning glory circle and claim it in the name of beelzebub. oh, come on, sam. quit kidding. who's kidding?

sam? yes, dear? do something for me, will you? anything. tell me honestly. is she or isn't she? is she or isn't she what? oh, come on, sam. this is serious. kermit's stopped dating all of his old girlfriends. he's gone out with gertrude every single night. ohh! that does sound serious. what i want to know is why. don't you think you ought to ask kermit? i did ask kermit. he can't figure it out, either. it's obvious they like each other very much. it's obvious she's a witch. does a girl have to be a witch to make a man give up all his old girlfriends? if the man's kermit and the girl's gertrude, yes. that's ridiculous, darrin. i know your tricks, samantha. i didn't use one single trick to bring them together. that proves she's a witch.

how did she know about crazy charlie? oh. well, i just did it to get them started. she's very shy, you know. oh. and the curlew? you brought them over a wee bit early this year, didn't you? they were on their way anyway. it was only a matter of a couple of weeks. sam, do you realize this nonsense of yours could end up with those two getting married? wouldn't that be nice? a joke's a joke, but this is no joke. kermit shouldn't be married under a spell. darling, nobody gets married under a witch's spell. we haven't got that kind of power. no? no. a man meets a girl, they fall in love, and he asks her to marry him, just like you asked me. how do i know i wasn't under your spell? is that what you think? i don't know what i think, except i do think gertrude's a witch. hi, darrin.

did you okay those layouts? not yet. look, kermit, i think we'd better have a talk. about what? about the way you've been treating your old friends. what friends? for example, susan. susan? you haven't called her since you met gertrude. i haven't been going out with anybody but gertrude. is that any reason to turn your back on an old friend like susan? susan's not a friend. she's a girl. susan is a person! and she's interested in you as a person, in your career, in your mind. you've got to be kidding. come on, okay those layouts, will you? i can't now. i'm too busy. when will you be able to? not until tomorrow at the earliest. they have to go to the engravers. maybe late tomorrow. how late? 10:00. at night? we'll have dinner and drinks. i'll meet you at the interlude at 10:00. of course i remember you, darrin. you work with that treacherous kermit, who hasn't called me in more than a month.

well, if he's been sick, i'm sure i can make him feel better. all right. the interlude at 10:00. i'll be there. [ telephone ringing ] hello, kermit? sorry to disappoint you, gertrude. it's only me. if i sound like a giddy girl in love, it's your fault. what are you doing tonight? i plan on going to sleep early. it's the first night in weeks i won't be seeing kermit. and i think i know why. kermit and darrin are meeting at the interlude tonight. darrin says it's business, but monkey business is more like it. he doesn't know it yet, but i'm going along, and i want you to meet me there at 10:00. good. you know something? i miss gertrude.

she's the only girl i never run out of conversation with. i think i'm gonna ask her to marry me. that's wonderful! what made you suddenly think of a thing like that? i didn't suddenly think of it. i've been thinking about it for weeks. hi. susan! i hope i didn't keep you waiting. oh, hi, susan. waiting? no, no, of course not. i don't believe you've met my wife. samantha, this is susan. hello. you two i'm sure will get to like each other. i'm sure. won't you sit down, susan? thank you. please, take my chair, susan. it's a funny thing. kermit and i were talking about you today. weren't we, kermit? i'm glad to hear that. he said some very nice things, very nice. did you tell him about the night when our car broke down near that funny little roadhouse? and we had to walk through the rain. and you swept me up in your arms and carried me. and i slipped. we went splashing into that muddy water. [ laughs ]

susan's quite a girl. i'll bet. when darrin called me today, i had some misgivings as to whether i should see you again. but now i don't. i bet you two had some marvelous times together. [ tinkles ] don't bet on that. you'd lose. but you said kermit carried you through the rain. and dropped me in the mud puddle. oh, those rippling muscles are nothing but butterfat. but he was doing his best. i bet you had real fun together. fun? oh, it was terrible! i'm glad i finally got the chance to tell you off. now, if you don't mind, i'd like to leave. don't hesitate on my account. darrin: no, wait! for what? i've had it with this muscle-bound sir galahad. don't ever call me again. and that goes for you, too.

it is strange. she was so friendly at first. she wouldn't have if my wife had gone and powdered her nose instead of twitching it in other people's business. i didn't say a word. you didn't have to. i'm looking for mrs. stephens, please. oh, of course. right this way. my goodness, look who's here. gertrude! kermit! i don't know how you got here, but i'm sure glad you did. i want to ask you a question. would you excuse us?

dirty pool. all's fair in love and war. samantha, once and for all, stop interfering in kermit's wife -- life! samantha, gertrude would like you to join her in the powder room. she's crying. what did you say to her? i asked her to marry me. congratulations! well, what are you looking so unhappy about? i'm the one who's getting married. i'm sorry i have to tell you this, but there doesn't seem to be any other way. tell me. you're not gonna believe this. i believe whatever anybody tells me. gertrude's a witch. except that. i'm not kidding! listen to me, kermit. stop making insinuating remarks about gertrude. a union embodying such an ideal is not be entered into lightly or unadvisedly,

advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of god. into such a union you come now to be joined. if there be any here present who knows any just cause why they may not lawfully be joined in marriage, i require him now to make it known or... darrin, you wouldn't say anything, would you? well, um -- they're so much in love, and it isn't witchcraft. you do believe me, don't you? i believe you. ...forever after to hold his peace. do you, kermit, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, and forsaking all others, will you cleave to her and to her only so long as you both shall live? i will. do you, gertrude,

to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, and forsaking all others, will you cleave to him and to him only so long as you both shall live? i will.

u're wearing one.

you know, i can't get over how much kermit's changed. changed? yes, it's just been a few weeks, and he's -- well, i don't know. he's acting like a... married man. you know something, sam? hmm? love can cast almost as powerful a spell on a man as witchcraft. i'll let you in on a little professional secret. it's a lot more potent than anything we can conjure up. yeah. [ glass breaks ] oh, boy. here we go again. honey, i'm sorry. honey, couldn't you have found a safer place for it? this was bound to happen again. well, i thought it would be all right. would you do me a favor? hmm. would you put it back together again? i thought you didn't like me correcting mistakes that way. i'm making an exception. would you please put it back together again? all right. [ tinkles ]

that's fabulous. would you like me to do a little magic? you? magic? what did you have in mind? something that you'll like, i think. be my guest. well, what do you know? it worked. that's one you can count on. it'll work every time. -- captions by vitac -- well, i know she's a bit vague, but she's never really done anybody any harm. you sit down, and listen to me. last week, she insisted on coming to london with bertha and me. halfway there, she started to lose altitude. oh, that's terrible. oh, you don't know the half of it. we had to piggyback her the rest of the way. poor aunt clara.

with a huge doorknob she acquired for her collection. that's bad? she'd taken it from buckingham palace. that's bad. one more time. aah! abner! abner! oh! aunt clara, what's the matter? you look upset. oh, samantha, i've come to hide out. hide out? why?

who is he, aunt clara? well... we were close friends. more than friends. he was my best beau. aunt clara, you mean... yes. oh, yes, i've had my moments.

i'll just bet you did. hedley partridge. now i remember him. well, i don't see how anyone could forget hedley. all i remember is that he was always chasing the girls. well, he couldn't help from being popular. i still don't understand why you don't want to see him. uh, well -- um, endora... what? haven't you a house to haunt or something? all right. all right, clara. i'll go. i think i can skip all the gruesome details of your fly-by-night romance. [ ding! ] oh... [ chuckles ] i know she's your mother, dear, but she can be trying. and she insists that i'm in my dotage. well, she worries about you, aunt clara. now, tell me, why are you hiding from mr. partridge? well, i wouldn't admit it to anyone else, but, um, uh, uh...

really? well, that's hard to believe. oh, it's true. it's -- it's true. well, everybody has their off days. what's that got to do with mr. partridge? he knew me in my prime. and you're not anxious to renew the acquaintance. i wanted him to remember me as i was. i understand, aunt clara. you can stay here as long as you like. oh, thank you, samantha. thank you. you have a kind and understanding heart. abner, i'm telling you, i saw it with my own eyes. a funny, little old wo-- will you stop playing that flute and listen to me? i've listened. 12 times already. she walked right into the wall and bounced off again, so any reasonable person would figure that it was an accident, right? but what did you think, gladys? an accident, the first time. then she did it again. bang! right into the wall and bounced off again, and i thought,

simple. it feels so good when you stop. the next time, she went right through the wall. well, that makes sense. what?! there's no point in banging your head against a brick wall. i'm beginning to realize that, abner. i'm beginning to realize that. [ ding! ] two visits in one day? what have i done to deserve this? well, it's all set. mother has taken care of everything. hedley partridge is coming to dinner tonight. mother, you didn't. this could be the solution of our problem. aunt clara needs someone to look after her, and hedley seems to be the perfect candidate. aunt clara and hedley partridge married? well, if they want to be stuffy about it, yes.

sort of the romeo and juliet of the tired-blood set. but aunt clara doesn't want to see him. she's embarrassed about her spells not working anymore. oh, that's the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. well, that may be, but that's the way she feels, and i think we should respect her feelings. well, samantha, i can't do everything. i've done my part. the rest is up to you. now, really, mother, i -- mother! enter, dear lady. oh, thank you. who are you? i'm hedley partridge, and your mother has told me all about you. she has? mm-hmm. i want you to know i'm on your side. you are? as long as you love him, who cares if he's mortal? i'm a little confused. oh [chuckles ] you mean about my coming here? well, i don't blame you.

that i arrived early. i found all the doors and windows locked, and no one was about, so i took the liberty of making myself at home. if the doors and windows were locked, how'd you get inside? through the wall, of course. you're joking, of course. oh, of course not. [ chuckles ] well, you needn't look so surprised. i may have a lot of gray hairs, but i'm still in my prime. once a warlock, always a warlock. my powers are still as good as ever. ah, i can see you don't believe me. well, i -- uh, well, i'll show you. did you ever see dancing flowers? no. watch very carefully. [ waltz music plays ] see?

well, your wife seems a little highly-strung. that's not my wife. oh, congratulations. my name is hedley partridge. you must be donald. darrin. oh, well, endora said it was donald. uh, i know, but it really is darrin. how are you, darrin? fine. how are you, mr. partridge? aunt clara and samantha should be here any minute. "warlock... "sorcerer. wizard"! abner, there's a wizard at the stephens' house. it's good for the lawn. it eats the mosquitoes. not a lizard -- a wizard. wizard, lizard. as long as it eats the mosquitoes.

here they are now. how do i look? is my tie all right?

hi, darling. i'm terribly sorry we're late, but i've just c-- oh! sam, this is mr. partridge. hello, clara. hello, hedley. oh, clara, you haven't changed a bit. oh. oh, hedley. no, no, i mean it. i mean it. you're just as beautiful as ever. oh, now, you didn't have to say that, you know. did i ever lie to you? constantly. but i still like it. oh. and you must be samantha. well, good looks obviously runs in the family. well, thank you, mr. partridge. now, aunt clara, why don't you and mr. partridge sit down and get re-acquainted while i get dinner ready? it'll only take a second. darrin. darrin! mm-hmm? just give a shout if -- if anybody needs my help. with what? oh! okay, sure, sure.

oh, fine. just fine. oh, that's good. good. and you? oh, wonderful. my powers are as good as ever. oh. watch. [ waltz music plays ] how about that? oh. oh, remarkable. remarkable. of course, witchcraft is a gift, you know. but you've got to keep practicing at it. if you don't, your spells get sloppy. and when that happens, believe me, you know you're getting old. isn't that right, clara? oh, yes. well -- well, it does happen. it happens to all of us. uh, yes, yes. i know, i know. uh, speaking about that, do you remember serenda etherington? oh, very well. you always said she had such pretty hair. oh, well, i only said that to make you jealous, that's all. [ laughing ] however, i think she's bald now. oh, good.

do you know what i heard? i heard that she can't even walk through a wall anymore. poor dear. oh. practically knocked herself senseless every time she tried it. it got so bad her daughter had to put her in the old witches' home. oh. pathetic case. oh, it certainly is. imagine. can't even walk through a wall. but that will never happen to us, will it, dear? huh? not to the golden couple. mnh-mnh. the golden couple -- that's what they used to call us when we were younger. well, here's your drink. oh, thank you. you know what endora told me about you? no. she said you were still the fastest witch in the west. oh, no. oh, uh, do you mind if i smoke a cigar? oh, certainly not. i'll get you one. oh, no, no, no, no. i'll get one. [ ding! ] have you got a light, clara? i've got one right here.

uh, uh, do you remember, clara? hmm? well, now, how about it? will you, for old times' sake? [ chuckles ] well, i'll try. i -- i -- i'll -- i'll try. try, she says. oh, ho-ho. wait till you see this. uh, sam! [ tinkles ] by george, endora was right. you are still amazing. dinner will be ready in a minute. would you like an ashtray? an ashtray? i'll get it, aunt clara. uh, no, no, no. i can send it over myself.

[ tinkles ] oh! oh, i did it. i made a comeback. i made a comeback. i thought you might like to nibble on these before dinner. oh, thank you. do -- do you want another ashtray? no, no. one is sufficient, thank you. it's no trouble to send over another one. now, now, aunt clara, you know how darrin feels about witchcraft in this house. now, you two sit here and talk about old times. darrin... hmm? would you like to help me? oh, sure, sure, honey. uh, will you have one of the hors d'oeuvres? love it. everything seems to be going awfully well, doesn't it? honey, maybe you should have told aunt clara you were doing her spells. oh, her pride would never let her agree to it. don't worry darling, everything's under control. mmm.

[ laughing ] oh, no. easy, now. you remember, clara, how we used to turn ourselves into nightingales and serenade the young lovers? oh, yes. oh, ho-ho, yes. and that was the first nightingale that was ever heard in berkeley square. that's right. oh, those were the good old days, huh? oh, yes, they were. well, why don't we do it again? oh, no, no, no. i don't think so, dear. oh, oh, yes. [ laughing ] no, no, no. i don't -- i don't think so. oh. but we have 15 minutes before dinner. i know, clara. but that was a long time ago, and i -- no. yes, but -- but i remember the spell perfectly. now, are you game? well, yes. you know me. i -- i'm game for anything. oh, really? right. well, now, let's see... um... um... ooh, uh...

plancher. oh, oh. ooooh! oh! oh. oh! oh! oh, oh, oh! [ screaming ] aunt clara, sam said if you'd like to -- ah! what's that? hedley. everything went wrong. sam. sam! [ gasps ] aunt clara, what did you do? well, i don't understand. i thought it had all come back to me. sam was helping you with your, uh...with your spells. uh, you mean, uh, the witchcraft didn't come back?

now -- now you just sit down and try to relax. i'll see if i can get everything back to normal. uh, i can't sit down. i have nothing to sit down on. don't panic. just try and remember the right spell. oh, i'll never be able to look hedley in the face again. but never. n-never. gladys: we, uh, knocked, but i guess -- ooh. abner, see? uh, i-i suppose you folks are wondering why we have an elephant, uh, here in our, uh, living room. well, the thought had crossed my mind. well, you see, uh, i'm, uh, doing a campaign for men's, uh, swimsuits. swimsuits? uh, trunks, trunks. yes, and he's using him as -- as a model. a model? uh, yes. uh, for the trademark -- "you'll never forget our trunks."

gladys, we never met the lady. oh, i'm terribly sorry. uh, aunt clara, this is mr. and mrs. kravitz. oh, how do you do? deekus, gurney, plancher. that's it. that's it. i beg your pardon? [ chuckles ] aunt clara is a linguist. that means "bless your face" in malayan. thank you, aunt clara. uh, don't do it in here. oh, i never could look hedley in the face again. don't -- don't worry, i'll take him in the kitchen. gladys: um... uh, where is the, uh, wiz-- uh, the, uh, gentleman i met earlier this evening? well, he's, uh, uh, in the kitchen. oh. now, just relax, mr. partridge. now that i know the spell, i can reverse it. feenby, wallabas, nerk.

oh! thank goodness. oh, clara sure made a mess of that one, didn't she, huh? you know, endora lied to me about her. please, it was really all my fault. i don't care what you say, i'm gonna have a talk with that young lady. oh, dear. that's the wizard! oh, uh, mr. partridge, mr. and mrs. kravitz. hedley: how do you do? uh, clara, may i speak with you a moment? no, no, i have to go. oh, no, clara, please -- oh, dear, did you hurt yourself? are you all right? i'm all right. i'm fine. i promise. remember serenda etherington, dear. you mustn't do those things. uh, aunt clara's rather near-sighted. yes, i told you, aunt clara. you really should wear your glasses.

darrin. hmm? i need some help in the kitchen, uh, with the turnips. what help do turnips need? oh! oh, yeah. sure. hedley... you too? that's right. yeah. i haven't performed real witchcraft for years, dear. i can't even do the little things anymore. neither can i. samantha did all the other things earlier. oh. yes. so you and i are paddling the same canoe, huh? well, it's not so bad. when you get used to it. oh, i know. i don't mind really, not really. it happens to the best of us. oh, well, yes. i suppose. let's you and i have another sip, huh? oh! [ giggles ] well, yes.

do i detect a matchmaking gleam in your eye? oh, no, of course not. but it would be nice if -- [ sniffing ] what's the matter? orange blossoms. the whole house smells of orange blossoms. sam? i've had nothing to do with it.

you know, it was so nice to see hedley again. it's a pity he had to leave town tonight. he told me he had to make calls in other cities. oh, oh, yes.

isn't that nice? and he left me something to remember him by. doorknob. [ chuckles ] isn't this... [ gasps ] oh, aunt clara, it's lovely. lovely! oh, yes. oh, it's much better than an engagement ring. -- captions by vitac -- hi. marilyn? this is roger healey. heh. well, i, uh-- i-i met you at francis gordon's party last year. it's, uh... uh, no, no, no. i'm not the tall, blonde banker. no. no, i'm the short, cute, dark-haired astronaut. heh-heh. look, uh--look, uh, i was wondering, if you're not doing anything tonight, maybe the two of us could, uh... uh-huh.

it's a bad month for you. well, maybe some other month. [line goes dead] nice talking to you. general peterson asked me to give these to you, major healey. oh, thank you. oh, evelyn? yes. uh, evelyn, i was just thinking, uh... yes, major? tony and i are going on a double date tonight. and i thought if you weren't doing anything, maybe the two of us could, uh... i'm afraid my fianc\ wouldn't like it. he's very jealous. jealous. fianc\. heh. i didn't know you were engaged. that's great, though. that's great. well, maybe, uh, some other time. i've got a lot of work to do anyway. oh, uh, evelyn? thinking, uh, you, uh-- you don't happen to have a roommate, do you? i live with my mother. well, if she's not doing anything tonight, uh...

hi, roge. oh, hi, hi. uh-- how are you? fine. oh, thanks. a little coffee for you. thank you. you change your mind about tonight? uh, tonight? oh, tonight. oh. look, i told you, i'm not interested in dating. i've got a lot of work to do. well, you haven't been out in weeks. you're not dating anybody? am i? are you kidding me?! ha-ha. am i dating anybody? i'm dating dozens of girls. listen, they don't call me "casanova" healey for nothing, you know. no girl in particular, huh? well, they're all particular. that's why they go out with me. you know how i am. i play the field. they just have to line up and wait their turn. okay, we'll go out with eddie and jean-anne. yeah, nice couple. do that, that's really nice. oh, uh, tony. yeah. uh, i, uh... uh, tha-that's-- that's a pretty tie.

[clears throat] oh. well. thank you. oh, jeannie, if you're gonna be here, be here, huh? thank you. jeannie, what are you doing here? i am worried about major healey, master. wh--uh, roger? why are you worried about him? is he going with us tonight? uh, no. no, he's not. i did not think so. and i think i know why. hm? oh, yeah, well, he told us why. he's, uh... he's gotta work tonight. i do not think that is the real reason. master. i do not believe major healey can get a date. [laughs] what? old casanova healey? he can get all the dates he wants. oh, i do not think so. but would that not be a lovely idea? what? if major healey could get all the dates he wants. if all women found him irresistible.

[laughs] well...i shall go home now, master. i want to get dressed so that major healey and his date will think that i am beautiful. uh, jeannie, i told you that, uh, roger's not going out with us tonight. oh, i think so. no, i don't think so-- [rings] roger healey. mm-hm. sue who? sue? oh, yeah, w-w-we-- we were probably disconnected. you would like to go out to dinner with me tonight? yeah, but you said-- [phone rings] oh, wait. ca-can you hold on, sue? yeah. i've got someone on the other line. roger healey. look, can you hold on, sir? marilyn?

well, i-i-i thought you said you were busy. well, it's--it's nice of you to... break a date just for me. i-i'm flattered. yeah. you couldn't keep me off your mind all year? hold on. don't go away. don't go away. [click] hello, sue? major healey? hold on. yes? what time did you say dinner was tonight? dinner tonight? w--what about your fianc\? what about him? [stammering] don't go away. hello. yeah. yeah, sue? yeah, uh--yeah, something's come up. i'm afraid i can't make it tonight. and--and--and don't wait by the phone. i-i may not be able to get back to you. uh-huh. yeah. okay. goodbye. [laughs] bye! yes. okay. [click] don't go away. not a chance. uh, hello, marilyn? yeah. [laughs uncomfortably]

uh-huh. yeah. i-i'm awfully sorry. and, look, maybe i can get back to you in a couple weeks, huh? yeah. don't try... don't--wait-- goodbye, marilyn. it's the strangest thing. it's as though i've never really looked at you before. you're the most exciting man i have ever met. oh. well... let's not tell your fianc\ about this. ha-ha. sh. till tonight. well, what time shall i pick you up? oh, don't bother. i'll meet you at your place. i'll be there at 7:00. if i can wait that long. whoo! ohh! i'm irresistible. oh! oh. eh, what have you done to roger? every girl in town is after him. [giggles]

[laughs] what? roger? believe me, master. no woman can keep from falling in love with him. i saw it done once in a play from aristophanes. oh, there was this man, and-- yeah, uh, jeannie, why did you do it to him? oh. because the reason major healey would not come with us tonight was because he was ashamed. he could not get a date. oh. so you changed all that? yes, master. are you not pleased? you're right, jeannie, i'm not pleased. but, why? well, i don't know, really. it's-- i do know that if you did this to him... somehow, somewhere, it's got to lead to a disaster. oh, no, master. not this time. this time you will see you were wrong. i have made major healey the happiest man in the world. and--and no trouble will come from it. believe me. no trouble. hm. hey, where did we get this, by the way? hmm? nice, nice.

you can see that after 10 minutes in the vacuum chamber, they, uh... well, the respiration rate starts to change. [phone rings] [clears throat] excuse me, sir. [sighs] roger healey. [whispers] look, i told you not to call me at the office. look, i know it's hard to get along without me, but you'll just have to. no, no, no. i can't see you till next week. hold on. maybe-- maybe i can fit you in here. uh, how about, uh, saturday? saturday, early. okay. saturday. no, no, no, no, no, no. all right. so if there's a cancellation, i'll fit you in. okay? all right. bye, betty. heh. sorry, it's an old friend of mine. i understand. i wish i did. what? oh, nothing, sir. uh, what were you saying about these two charts?

yes? i didn't know you were busy. well, i'm busy. ha. will you be tied up long? tied up long. a bit. call me later. i'll call you. i'll call you. please, don't forget. yeah, i won't forget. [kiss] major. when do you find time to work? well, sir, work is really all i'm interested in. now, uh... [phone ringing] we'll finish this in my office this afternoon. this afternoon. yes, sir.

roger healey. oh, hi. oh, yeah. oh, listen, a party on your father's yacht? the 19th? oh, i'm sorry, the 19th i'm booked up. oh, yeah. how about, uh... how about the 27th? a party... okay. party at your father's yacht. the 27th. got it. bye-bye. [clears throat] sue, marilyn, alice, mary, gina, zeld-- zelda? see, zelda... [whistles] you don't have the same name down here twice. well, it wouldn't be fair to the rest of them. you know that i'm booked every day clear through november? it's the most fantastic thing that ever happened to me. oh, i-- i can't beli-- you know-- you know something? you may not believe this, but... i'm irresistible. i've always found you irresistible. come on, i mean it. i'm kind of a cross between, oh, sean connery, richard burton and rex harrison. [laughs] no, come on, now. i've--i've always known it, but it seems like, lately, every woman in the whole world has discovered it. yeah? well, i-i must say, you must be having a lot of fun. yeah, yeah. oh, i just--

[phone rings] yes? major healey's office. oh. just a moment, please. it's your mother. come on. ha-ha. roger healey. i'm all booked up through nove-- hello, mother. now, you see, on this graph, the test that roger and i made show that the up curve on the respiration charts-- where is major healey? i asked him to be here. oh, he ought to be along shortly, sir. the last time i saw him, he was talking to his mother. yes, i've seen some of his mothers. they're beautiful. yes. hello, dear. oh. oh, i'm sorry, darling. am i interrupting something? oh, no, dear. we're almost finished. just came from the dullest ladies aid meeting. it is my last year as chairman, i promise you, alfred. yes, dear. oh, i'm sorry. this is major nelson. mrs. bellows. how do you do, major nelson? pleasure to meet you. major nelson. yes, my husband talks about you night and day.

ah, yes. oh. oh, this is major healey. mrs. bellows. roger: mrs. bellows? i didn't know you were married, sir. how do you do, mrs. bellows. you have a fine husband. major healey? yes. my husband and i insist that you

oh. beg your pardon. i want to talk to you. well, i'm rather busy right now. if you'd like to make an appointment, i'll-- i want to talk to you now, and you better listen good. look, uh, whoever you are, i'm not used-- just call me morgan, major healey. oh, i'm not major healey. you're not? no. oh. well, that's my mistake. uh, can you tell me where, uh, i might find him? oh, sure. he's, uh... he's right down the hall there. thank you. sorry-- sorry to bother you. yeah.

well, honey...i'm doing the best i can. i'm--i'm only one man. now, you know i do-- now, honey, i've said it before, i... of course i do. roger. oh, hi, tony. uh, i gotta talk-- now, will you--will you pull yourself together? well, what happened to the last autographed picture i gave you? roger, this is urgent. i gotta talk to you. you don't know what urgent is. i-i've got zelda on the phone. look. look, if i have a cancellation on the 7th, uh, i'll call you, okay? would you h-- would you just hang up? look, i've gotta hang up, dear. yeah. someone has to handle things around here. goodbye. uh, what is it? say hello to morgan. hello, morgan. you roger healey? ask anyone. just dropped by to congratulate you. oh, congratulate me? what for? on your wedding, sunday. i'm not getting married sunday. yes, you are. ah-hah. the boys and me are picking you up at your apartment at 10:00 sharp. be ready. i hate to be nosy, but, uh,

i ought to give it to you for that. well, if i offended you, heh-- forget i asked. evelyn and me was gonna be married. evelyn? but she's crazy about you. what evelyn wants, she gets. sunday, 10:00. and if you're not there, you better be up in space, because that's the only place you're gonna be safe. you astronauts. [pats back] you're doing a great job. you think he meant it? yeah, i think we're doing a great job. oh, boy. i better find out if there's a space shot sunday. listen, are you really in love with this girl, evelyn? whatever her name is? of course i'm in love with evelyn. i'm in love with all of them: agnes, ann, georgia... you can't be in love with all of them. i don't know what it is. it's like turning a hungry kid loose in a candy store.

there'll be a mass wave of suicides. oh, uh, excuse me. yes, sir. i wonder if i could speak to you a moment, major healey. oh, certainly, sir. i don't, uh, quite know how to begin, major...but, um... well, if it's about, um, miss-- mrs. bellows, sir, why, i-- yes, it's about mrs. bellows. well, i can assure you, sir, there's-- oh, i'm not trying to pin the blame on anyone, major. as a psychiatrist, i realize how complex these things can be. well, sir, it's not just mrs. bellows. it seems that all the girls-- but, uh, because of my wife's infatuation, i find it, uh... awkward for both of us to be here on the same base. i agree with you, sir. it's... i think it best if one of us leaves. well, i'll miss you, sir. i'm sorry-- so, uh, i'm having you transferred to the aleutians. the aleutians? sir, i've been to the aleutians. i wouldn't send my worst enemy to the aleutians.

you can plan on leaving in the morning. i can't go to the aleutians! i'm getting married sunday. jeannie? jeannie, i'd like to talk to you. oh. hello, master. you're home early. yes, yes. i have some news for you. oh. do you remember me telling you that, uh, somehow, somewhere, what you did to roger would lead to a disaster? yes. and you were wrong, were you not, master? no, i were not. the "somehow" is the mafia, and the "somewhere" is the aleutians. i do not understand. oh. well, you see, uh, roger, on sunday, is going to have to marry this gangster's girlfriend.

because dr. bellows is sending him to the aleutian islands. well, that is terrible. mm-hm. how does major healey get himself into these things? jeannie, you've gotta help him. i know. i will fix it so that all women hate him. then there will be no reason for him to get married or be sent to the aleutians. no, you can't do that. mm-hm. no, you-- don't, really! why not? well, you can't destroy a man's ego. couldn't you just make it possible for him to be a little less lovable? oh. well, i-- i-- i do not know, master. it may be too late. huh? excuse me. now, where are you--? going. yeah-- oh. jeannie? goodbye, girls. [sighs] goodbye, office. roger. oh, roger, i just heard. oh, ta it easy, mrs. bellows. we're on government property. can't bear the thought of your being sent away.

you wouldn't like it. there's igloos and polar bears. i love igloos and polar bears. oh! oh, mrs. bellows. you're--you're just gonna have to be brave. just gotta hold on. oh. so here you are. yes, i was just telling mrs. bellows that she and the other girls are gonna have to do without me. and, uh, what do you say? what do i say? i say we've been getting along just fine without him all these years. i think we can continue to do so. you mean... you don't mind if major healey leaves? mind? darling, why should i mind? couldn't care less whether he stays or goes. what about the igloos and the polar bears? oh, dear. maybe you should keep him here. keep him under observation. well, under the circumstances, major, i don't see there's any point in your going to the aleutians.

oh! thank you, sir. oh, thank you. i get chilblain. shall we go, dear? yes. goodbye, major. bye. oh, doctor? oh, um... yes? uh, don't count on me for dinner tonight. [laughing] oh! [claps] hello, girls. hello, girls. hello. ah! nancy, nancy, nancy. and zelda. oh! evelyn: oh, darling. oh. i heard you were leaving! oh, listen. don't panic, dear. don't panic. i'm not leaving! i'm staying. about that marriage sunday... [groans] married? oh. me marry you? ha. you're joking. uh...i-i told you i was engaged.

hi, mary. uh, you remember-- remember we had a date, uh, this coming june? i had a few cancellations, and i thought that you'd like-- [mary hangs up] hello. [jiggles cradle] [laughs] jeannie, you did the one single thing i asked you not to do. but the problem is solved. no, it's not. it's not solved at all. it's worse than ever. do you know what it means not to be loved? well, yes. but i fixed it-- poor roger must be shattered. oh, no, master. major healey feels very loved.

there's not a girl in the world who would speak to him. well, i-- [frantic knocking at door] roger: tony! tony, open up! what's the matter? what's the matter? oh. oh, tony, help me. huh? why? what's the matter? they're after me! tony: jeannie, i thought you said you fixed that! oh, i did. i did, master. oh, don't open it up! [dogs barking] [both laugh] oh. oh. okay. [speaks indistinctly] [ ] [piano music playing] whoo-hoo? jeannie? sister, darling. oh, ho-ho-ho-ho. [sighs] oh, that'd be almost too easy. gotcha. jeannie! really, darling, after all the times

i would've thought you'd have devised some sort of early warning system. [laughs] jeannie...y-you... y-you let me out of here or i'll tell mama! [scoffs] my goodness, can't you take a joke? what are you doing here in cocoa beach? i missed you, sister dear. did you? terribly. i also wanted to know what was going on with that gorgeous master of yours. [giggles] are you married yet? [sighs] not yet. i do not know what the matter is. i read all the magazines. i do exactly what they say. hmm. magazines. what do they know? darling, what you need is a good, strong love potion. oh, no. i would not want my master to marry me unless it was of his own free will. sis, wake up.