ah! a beautiful job. i shouldn't be a horse. i should be a painter. now, the walls. think i'll paint them palomino blonde, same color i am. then, when wilbur gets mad at me, i can just fade into the woodwork. (laughs) hi, ed. what you doin'? i had a little time on my hands, so i thought i'd paint your office. well, thanks a lot, fella. yeah. who is the gift for? -our new neighbors. -oh.

i hope it's a going away present. why? what have you got against the kirkwoods? plenty. since they moved in, you spend all your time with them. sometimes i feel like a motherless child. -i know, ed. -good. i know i've been neglecting you a little bit the past week. neglecting me? i don't hear a friendly voice all day. i know, ed. if it weren't for huddley and brinkley, i'd be climbing the walls. -it'll only be for a little while. -eh... after all, colonel kirkwood was my commanding officer in the air force, and now that he's our new neighbor, why... i feel obligated to help him get settled into his new house. don't you feel obligated to me? look how nice i shellac those, uh... uh-oh. -shellac what? -(laughs nervously) you'll excuse me. i'm expecting a call from my bookie. -bookie? -yeah. there's a track meet at the coliseum, and i got two bucks on a man running in the fourth. all right, ed. stick around. i can't.

(cloth tearing) (sighs) uh... -ed! -yeah. excuse me, wilbur i... i got a few things to rinse out. (woman talking) oh, honey, winnie needs an extension cord for their new tv set. i hate to bother you when you're working, but the colonel wants to watch a special program. well, that's... that's no bother. no. when it comes to helping neighbors, you can have the shirt off my seat. (stammering) i... i'll get it. no. carol, it's in the second drawer, down in my desk. oh, wilbur, wait till you see their new tv set. the colonel's crazy about it. it has a wonderful screen, remote control, an electronic aerial. it does everything but serve sandwiches

(both laugh) oh, honey, i can't get it open. it's stuck. will you please open it? i... sure, sure thing, dear. sure. (laughs) yeah... take me just a second. yeah. probably got too much stuff in it. i'll have this open in a minute. (grunting) oh! hah, what an unusual place to catch the measles. (laughs) oh. hi, gordon. very stylish, wilbur. plunging seatline, huh? (laughs) now, gordon, leave wilbur alone. winnie: (laughing) it's not funny. it's not funny at all. (laughs) please excuse me. (laughing) i have some work to do. (laughing)

since our air force days. anything for a laugh. (laughs) oh, i just happened to sit down on a freshly shellacked chair, which i guess is a pretty silly thing to do. you know, wilbur, that's what i like about you. i've always believed if a man can laugh at himself... (slowly) which chair? the one with the gabardine seat cover. this chair i'm sitting on... was it shellacked, too? well, gordon, if you plan to laugh at yourself, now's a good time to start. (cloth tearing) welcome to the "sun-worshippers" of america. gordon... colonel, sir, i'm sorry.

winnie, look. a brand new pair of slacks completely ruined. now, stop carrying on. these things are bound to occur. only when wilbur post is around. the man's a walking accident looking for someplace to happen. -(laughs) -(doorbell ringing) hello, wilbur, carol. hi. are we interrupting anything? no. come in, come in. yeah? good evening, colonel. i dropped by with this little housewarming gift. oh, how sweet. look, colonel, a gift. i hope it's a pair of pants. gordon. i insist on paying for those slacks. oh, don't be silly, wilbur. those were just an old pair of pants. -weren't they, dear? -oh, yes, yes. an old pair of pants that happened to match the jacket of my new suit. (laughing) oh, it would make wilbur feel a lot better if you'd let him pay you. oh, forget it. accidents will happen...

look, colonel. isn't it lovely? oh, i'm so glad you like it. hey, you got a new television set, huh? yeah, that's right, wilbur. ah, that's... that's a nice one, isn't it? the... what, uh... what kind of picture you got on? well, uh... you sit on the sofa, and i'll show you how it works. oh, all right. we get perfect reception, except for channel three. that comes in a little grainy. uh, and we see spots like you had on your... oh, pardon me, wilbur. ah, that's all right. sounds like the trouble is here in your remote control unit. my friend jack had the same problem. -remember, honey? -mmm-hmm. but he just made a couple of adjustments, and everything was fine. uh, what kind of an adjustment? well, you see, the back comes off here, and then, there's a little set screw that you... you can... well, look, it'll just take a second. i'll show you. (straining) oh. oh. well, we will have this back in no time at all. attention!

forward march! now right! now right! now left! (continues with marching orders) (sighing) (laughs) oh, my goodness. look how late it is. well, thank you for a very lovely evening. bye. who were you talking to? the operator. if i don't find someone to talk to, i'm gonna turn into a dumb animal. to live alone and like it. yeah. maybe i should read this. huh. ed, you don't have to be lonely. why, you've got the gift of speech. you can go out and talk to anybody you want. never. no one's taking me apart to look for alan funt. if that's the way you feel, the only way you'll be able to talk to people is on the phone or the radio.

i could talk over a shortwave set. forget it, ed. you know how much one of those things cost? oh, wilbur, what's money when you're brightening the life of a lonesome shut-in? okay, tell you what. tomorrow, i'll spend the whole day with you. eh, you mean it? yeah. we'll do anything you wanna do. swell. let's go out and buy me a shortwave set. stop sending it because i'm not receiving. see you tomorrow, fella. (ed groans) hiya, neighbor. lovely day, huh? let me show you how to start... oh, no. no, you don't. everything you touch turns to scrap metal. look, i... i'm awfully sorry i broke that remote control unit of yours yesterday. how much did it cost to fix it?

well, you have my sincere apology. will you put that in writing? sure, sure. good, i'll get a blank check. no, no. do you wanna be like that? i've got my own checkbook right here. -(exhales) -look, im... i'm very sorry about this whole thing, gordon. oh, forget it. forget it, wilbur. you didn't mean any harm. you never do. (laughs) this is too nice a day to be stuck here and mowing a lawn. tell you what, let me take you down to my club, huh. we'll play a little golf, have a little lunch. everything will be one me. well, that's very generous of you, wilbur. my pleasure. after all, you're more than a new neighbor. you're a good friend. uh, in that case, will you do me a favor? anything at all. what is it? sign this check. oh. he was going to spend the day with me. again, nobody to talk to.

carol, this vase is just what i need for the mantle. oh, thank you, winnie. it does look nice, doesn't it? oh, you certainly have a beautiful house. well, after eight years in a trailer, this is heaven. it's so nice to live in a house where you don't get a ticket for speeding. (both laugh) (laughing) all right. so you won $5. next time, we're gonna raise the bet. carol, i'm sorry i'm late. that's all right, dear. did you hear that, winnie? and you were worried about the mortgage on this house. this boy's our own little social security plan. so you had a bad day, huh? well, it isn't easy to play against a man who used to be your commanding officer. try hitting a golf ball while you're saluting. oh, carol, i have a roast in the oven. why don't you and wilbur stay for dinner? oh, no, thanks, winnie. wilbur said we were eating out tonight. yeah, we are out. what time is dinner? it's practically on the table. i'll give you a hand, winnie. hey, just in time to catch the fights.

all i can give you is my name, rank and serial number. sit down and relax, wilbur. i'll get the fights. keep your hand off of that remote control (tv buzzing) i hate to seem fussy about this, but it cost me $16 to get that thing fixed. sixteen? i gave you a check for 38. i added the slacks. oh. wait till you see the clear picture we get on this. (pinging) i haven't touched a thing. i'm clean. we seem to be getting some interference. maybe somebody around here is using power tools or something. eh, hello, hello. this is nag calling anybody. come in, anybody? roger. over and out. up and under, back and forth, to and fro. name it, but talk. can't even get a picture. you know, sometimes it's a loose connection.

hit the side of the set? mmm-hmm. (pinging) (laughing) oh, no. harder. these things are made of iron. (crashing) (blowing) now we got rid of the interference, anyway. what was that noise? the gelatin i was fixing is still quivering. oh, no. what happened? we were getting some kind of interference, and wilbur told me to hit the side of the set. but not that hard. television set's a very delicate instrument. not made of iron, you know? what kind of interference were you getting, dear? i don't know. it sounded like somebody using a power tool, or some electrical equipment of some sort. does anybody in the neighborhood have a shortwave set?

hello. this is nag calling the world. come in, world. (pinging) oh. command. somebody please talk to me. crazy horse! what do you think you're doing? help! horse in distress. sos! spca! you stop that. hello. did i hear an sos signal? come in, come in. i'll see what you started. hello. come in. that was no sos signal. that was just a horse clowning around. a horse clowning around? uh, i mean, a clown horsing around. uh, who am i talking to? this is kltm, liverpool, england. now, do you read me? loud and clear. uh, let me talk. -it's my set. -it isn't.

uh, how's the weather in liverpool? i don't know. it's so foggy, we can't see it. english joke, you know? oh, wilbur, i wanna play with my set. actually, it's not too bad, and we try to bear up the best we can. what has the weather been like in los angeles? well, uh... well, it's um... it's been a fairly mild winter. not too much rain. ed, you'll be able to talk in a second. oh, oh. hi, gordon. i... i was just talking to this... this... this, uh, man here in liverpool. he's a very nice fella. it had a rough weather, they've been having. but you know, the british, they have a stiff upper lip. weak lower ones, but stiff upper ones. so, you didn't know

no. oh, this? look, gordon, i can assure you this goes first thing in the morning. so will i. miss your shortwaves, ed, huh? i have nothing to say. that set was the last straw, you know? kirkwoods just moved in. now, they're moving out again. well, i'm sorry, wilbur. i just wanted somebody to talk to. i know, ed. it isn't all your fault. i hate to see gordon go. he's more than just a neighbor. right. he is a nuisance. he is not.

and winnie and carol are practically in tears. stop it, wilbur. you're making me feel like a home wrecker. if there were only some way i could talk him into staying. well, you were saying he's really an old softie, hmm? oh, yeah. yeah. yesterday at the club, he was reminiscing about the old air force days, and he got all choked up. no, no fooling. eh, eh, you really want him to stay here? of course, i do. why? you got any ideas? naturally. listen. you just sell him on the old idea that the old times will be coming back. permission to speak, sir.

what are you doing in that uniform? uh, i always wear it once a week, sir? just for old time's sake. i those were the... the happiest years of my life. well, mine, too. heaven knows they're not now. oh, uh... take a look at this here. here. it's a shot of your old squadron. and there's your plane. do you know how many times the two of us faced death together? yes. every time you were my navigator. i'll never forget that time you... you wouldn't assign a dangerous mission to any of... of your men. you took it yourself. and when we saw your plane limping home, one motor shot away, and a wing half-torn off by... we just stood there and cried for joy. you did? yes, sir.

big eagle. big eagle? that's what we called you, sir. i thought you called me old chickenhead. not the officers. you were our leader, a man we respected. i tried to model myself after you. model yourself after me? yes, sir. and when you moved next door, i... i had a feeling of security... safety, if you will. a feeling that... daddy had come home. daddy? you're a father image to me, sir. man i can turn to in times of distress for... advice, counsel. i need you, daddy. the big eagle, huh?

let's just take this sign and... throw it away! (crashing) the windshield of your car... shattered. -wilbur? -sir.

well, how about, uh, blind man's buff? yeah, yeah! ha. gee, it's nice to have my playmate back again. there's no new neighbor who could ever take your place, ed. you know that, don't you? (laughs) -all right, here we go. -(laughs) ready? okay, now. one, two, three. here i come! (laughs)

oh, hi, gordon. what can i do for you, there? i was going to invite you for cocktails, but you've had enough. no, gordon... ed... big eagle. (scoffs) sounds more like a plucked chicken. yeah. o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed

(people chattering loudly) -wilbur, you're a scream. -now, look... i wish wilbur and his friends would keep quiet. with all that noise, how can a horse write his memoirs? they have noiseless typewriters. what this world needs is noiseless people. we'd better start home, dexter. it's twelve o'clock. twelve o'clock, that's wt i was waiting for. special announcement, folks. exactly ten years ago, this gorgeous little creature became my wife. -congratulations! -thank you, very much. wilbur: ten years? carol: and you never said a word... ghee, that noise! if i could find another horse that types, i'd send my work out.

dexter, darling, it must have cost you a fortune. what's my money for if i can't spend it on my wife? right, wilbur? by the way, wilbur, what did you get carol on your last anniversary? a play suit. it was a three-piece play suit she could swim in it, walk in it...or just play in it. christmas, i got her some of these ivory fruit pickers. just look at it sparkle, carol. ever see anything like it? it sure sparkles. wilbur, why don't you get one for carol? you can afford it. no. my little girl likes practical gifts. sentimental little things. you should have seen the tears in her eyes

-i got all choked up. -yeah, she... -well...goodnight. -night! -i know. you want a ring like hers. -twice as big. -and you want it tomorrow. -as soon as the stores open. carol you couldn't settle for anything else? no. -another play suit? -no. -a robe to go with the play suit? -no. slippers to go with the robe and the play suit? no. a diamond ring to go with the slippers, robe and play suit? -no. -wait a minute! too late, you had your chance. wilbur post!

ed, is that you typing? that looks like wilbur. i'd better hide my memoirs. -ed, were you typing something? -no and you'll never find it. come on, ed. a man has a right to know what his horse is typing. well, it's something personal. still, you should tell me. aw, don't read that, wilbur.

i like that title, ed, "love and the single horse" . (ed laughing) look at you, ed, you're blushing. that must be a pretty exciting life you've led. well, wilbur, i might as well admit it,

it's hard to believe you were only two years old at the time. aw, come on, wilbur. give 'em back. stop that, ed. let me read it. maybe i can learn a few things. i doubt it. what fun would you have kissing horses? "i'll never forget my first love, "yvette. she was only a little french filly, but, boy, could she smooch. "a kiss from her would melt your horseshoes." yeah. and what a shape. she had so many curves, her saddle kept falling off. you know, i'm getting a big kick out of your memoirs. mind if i read them in bed tonight? gee, i don't know, wilbur. besides, that's personal stuff. come on, ed, don't worry. everything in these pages is strictly between you and me. and a hundred happy little fillies.

-wilbur? -hmm? what's so funny in the architectural gazette? some clown designed a building that's ridiculous.

what's personal? love and the single horse? that single horse happens to be our horse! wilbur stop. your secret's out. i think you've written a very funny book. that doesn't excuse... i have? it's a riot! and i loved that part where the horse has to get cleaned up for a date so he goes to a car wash. crazy horse got on the wrong line and got himself spray waxed. -huh? that wasn't in the book. -i guess he forgot. -who? who forgot? -the author! ed! me! carol, it's late. why don't you go to sleep? honey, if your book got published, you know you really could afford to buy me a diamond ring. of course, carol, but no publisher would print this. who cares about a horse's love life, outside of other horses? and they can't read.

wilbur! hi, honey. where did you go so early? to a publisher. i just sold your book. that's nice... carol, you didn't! you didn't really sell those memoirs. isn't it wonderful! the publisher just flipped' over love and the single horse. look! he gave us an advance. five hundred dollars! i've just got to call phoebe! wait till she sees the diamond i get. mr. post, you're making a big mistake, love and the single horse is bound to head the fiction list. just why don't you want it published? because well, it's not exactly fiction. then what is it? well, it's a diary.

remember, you said it, not me. you know, post, that's a wonderful publicity angle. for a while you had me fooled. i thought you really wanted to take your book back. i do. but why? well... i just don't want to start any trouble at home. nonsense! your wife said she was acting as your agent and she was quite excited about having the book published. the fight wouldn't be with my wife. then who would it be with? (clears throat) my horse. now you're joking. i'm not laughing. you are pulling my leg. you're just having a little fun with your publisher, aren't you? no. you see, my horse is a palomino and they're very proud. how would you like the whole world to read your diary? i'd feel like we had a best seller. now, mr. post, let's not discuss this any more.

now why don't you let me carry the ball? could you at least keep my horse's picture off the cover? give my best to your wife. ed, sometimes i do things for your own good it doesn't always seem so at the time but later on, you're always glad i did what i did, right? no, but keep talking. well, you know those pages you gave me to read last night? my memoirs. wilbur, what happened to my memoirs? you mean your book. no. i mean my memoirs. ed, i wish you'd think of it as a book. why? because it's gonna be.

ed, listen. carol got hold of your diary. you see, i fell asleep while reading, and... no, ed, don't! ed, stop. no, ed, wait! let's talk! ed, open up! that was my diary. my private life. you promised nobody would see it. ed, nobody will. believe me, people buy books, they don't read 'em.

yoyour book, love and a single horse. -may it sell a million copies! -two million.

wilbur, wake up, this toast is for you. our absent-minded author. absent minded, oh, i almost forgot. carol, for you. a diamond ring! wilbur, you shouldn't have done it! they always say, "you shouldn't have done it," after you just did. ed, i hope you've gotten over... ed? ed? "dear ex-friend, since you treat me like a statue without feelings, "i may as well be a statue. "do not try to find me. it is better that way. p. s. please forward my mail to the hollywood wax museum. sincerely yours, waxie."

lincoln said "never swap horses in midstream."

crazy horse! ed, are you out of your mind? come on, let's go home. ed, i think you're acting very stubborn. so what if love and a single horse does get published? think of it you'll be the first horse that ever wrote a book. ed, believe me, nobody's going to know that book is about your love life. it could be any one of a million... (screaming) what? oh. young man, you're not well. you better come home with me and let me doctor you.

of course it's a real horse. and the indian is real, too. ed, come on. it gets hot under these lights, your wax is gonna melt and... what am i saying? try and get him to come home with me. and i'll poultice his head. hey, buddy. whatcha doin' in here? it's my horse, he ran away and i'm trying to get him to go home. he's just standing still to make me look bad. i'll show you he's real. watch. this always breaks him up.

he's biting his lip to keep from laughing. inside he's busting up. i thought i saw the horse move. perhaps i'd better go home, too. oh, guard, can you tell me where the napoleon exhibit is? i think it's right here. be right with you, lady. -let's go, mister... -please give me a chance. -i've got to talk to him. -beat it, mister. if you're here when i get back, i'll have you run in. this way, lady. that indian looks real, doesn't he?

ed, will you please listen to reason? ed please, we'll get in trouble here. let's go home. -never. -ed, listen. uh-oh...that kid again. b. j. : i want to look at that indian again. all right, dear. mom! come here! this indian is real! i am not and i'll scalp you if you don't beat it! b. j. , stop making so much noise. i tell you, mommy, the indian is real. he moved and he talked. and he said he'd scalp me!

this one sure feels different from the others. -excuse me. -it's you! the guy who was talking to the horse! i'm throwin' you outta here, you nut! come on... look, mommy. the horse is real, too. let's get out of this place! he's real. my wife was right.

ed, i'm sorry i hurt your feelings. will you please forgive me? just promise me one thing. -what? -when they make my book

-mr. post? -yes, yes, mr. durvis. well, here it is, mr. post. the first copy of love and the single horse. or the true adventures of a palomino playboy. mr. posts if you don't mind, i'd like our new author to autograph this first copy for me.

just turn around and close your eyes. turn around? for just a signature? uh, it's a quirk. i've never been able to write while anyone's watching me. uh-uh. i won't be a second. you can turn around now.

hi. marilyn? this is roger healey. heh. well, i, uh-- i-i met you at francis gordon's party last year. it's, uh... uh, no, no, no. i'm not the tall, blonde banker. no. no, i'm the short, cute, dark-haired astronaut. heh-heh. look, uh--look, uh, i was wondering, if you're not doing anything tonight, maybe the two of us could, uh... uh-huh. well, ma-ma-maybe next month, uh...

well, maybe some other month. [line goes dead] nice talking to you. general peterson asked me to give these to you, major healey. oh, thank you. oh, evelyn? yes. uh, evelyn, i was just thinking, uh... yes, major? tony and i are going on a double date tonight. and i thought if you weren't doing anything, maybe the two of us could, uh... i'm afraid my fianc\ wouldn't like it. he's very jealous. jealous. fianc\. heh. i didn't know you were engaged. that's great, though. that's great. well, maybe, uh, some other time. i've got a lot of work to do anyway. oh, uh, evelyn? thinking, uh, you, uh-- you don't happen to have a roommate, do you? i live with my mother. well, if she's not doing anything tonight, uh...