(audience laughing) - i guess the man who designed our house built the outdoors better. - well, actually, he had more room to work in. (audience laughing) (frisky music) - i'm sorry i started it. (audience laughing) - ronnie should be home from school by now. i wonder what's keeping him. - i haven't seen much of him since the new term. how is he doing in college? - oh, just wonderful, he goes there every day. - well, that's a big improvement over last year. - oh, you never saw such a change in a boy. you know, this year he has a class at 9 o'clock at sc, and he's always up bright and early for it. - well they must have a very interesting professor. what's ronnie studying? - greek philosophy. - oh, like aristotle, plato, socrates? - well, i don't know the professor's name, but it must be one of those three. (audience laughing) - then it's socrates because aristotle and plato are teaching at stanford. - oh, (audience laughing) - hi, dad. - oh, hello, ronnie. - hello, ronnie.

it's nice and airy out here. - yeah, well that's because the windows are open inside. (audience laughing) what are you so dressed up for? - oh, this? well, can't afford not to, after all, i'm going to college. - well, you went last year and it was all we could do to get you to wear shoes. (audience laughing) - well, i was only a sophomore then. - oh, sit down, ronnie, i'll get you lunch. - oh, mother, i'm sorry, i didn't call you, but i'm taking one of my classmates out to lunch. - oh, oh. - so, dad, can i have 10? - 10 dollars for lunch? - well yes, you see, i'm taking her to la rose. it's nice and quiet, and we can study greek philosophy there. - la rose? (audience laughing) look, ronnie, there's a nice little greek restaurant on sunset boulevard. it's cheap and you can get your philosophy right from the kitchen while it's still hot. (audience laughing) - oh dad, all i want-- - oh, ronnie, ronnie. if your father is going to be so cheap, here. - thank you, mother. - you're welcome, now give me 10 dollars, please. - what for? - well, just because you're cheap to ronnie

(audience laughing) - i guess i can't fight the whole family. - thank you. - la rose, huh? - dad, i'm going now to pick her up, i'll see you later. (frisky music) - isn't it wonderful the interest he's taking in his studies? - gracie, i think ronnie is studying the same thing i studied when i was his age. - oh, george, you never went to college. - no, but i used to stand outside and whistle at them as they walked in. (audience laughing) - i don't understand what you mean. (doorbell ringing) oh, there's the door. oh, while i'm answering it, maybe you can figure out what you were saying. (frisky music) - i'm supposed to say something funny to cover gracie's walk to the front door, but i won't have time to say it because she's already there. so why don't you laugh and i'll owe you a joke. (audience laughing) - hello. - mrs. burns, i'm your son's professor of greek philosophy. - oh, how do you do, mr. socrates? (audience laughing) - socrates? - well, i know you can't be aristotle or plato because they're teaching up at stanford.

won't you come in? (frisky music) - mrs. burns, i'm professor henderson, and if you don't mind i think i should talk only to the head of the household. - oh? - is mr. burns home? - well, yes, he's in the garden, but if we whisper he won't hear us. - i would like to talk to mr. burns. - oh, alright. george? it's sweet of you to want to include him. you know, he likes to know what's going on. (audience laughing) - yes, gracie? - oh, this is professor henderson, ronnie's teacher. - oh? - i guess he came to tell us how wonderfully well ronnie's doing in his class. - hello, professor henderson. - how do you do, sir? he's doing very well in my class, but not with his studies. - i thought so. - there's an attractive young lady sitting a few rows in back of him. he's been in my class for three weeks now, and has yet to look in my direction. - oh, professor, you must be exaggerating. - oh, no, what i'm telling you is true. - well, i'm on my way, i'm in a little hurry,

excuse me. goodbye, dad. (audience laughing) - [george] ronnie. don't you know this gentleman? - am i supposed to? - you see him every day at college. - oh, of course! you're the man who runs the hamburger stand off campus. (audience laughing) i didn't recognize you without the cap. goodbye, mr. uh... - newman. - newman, yes! (audience laughing) - that girl must be a knockout. - now you see the reason for my visit. unless ronald buckles down to his studies, i'll be forced to drop him from the class. - [george] well, i'll talk to him. - and so will i. (audience laughing) - thank you and goodbye. - goodbye. - and now that we know you also sell hamburgers, we'll come down and try some. (audience laughing) (frisky music) i'm gonna talk to that ronnie. - gracie, i don't want you to talk to him alone.

and two heads are better than one. - yeah, that's certainly true, so i better go right over and see blanche.

- i knew she'd get it (audience laughing) so all ronnie can think about is girls, that boy's got a one track mind. although it's going in a nice direction. (audience laughing) imagine him not recognizing his professor,

although the greek philosopher's themselves had trouble. take plato, he wrote a book that can explain everything in the world except one thing, women. i guess ronnie's trying to finish that book for him. (audience laughing) i'm kind of glad that ronnie is making his study of pretty girls, i might be able to help him with his homework. (audience laughing) 25 years ago i got straight a's. (audience laughing) but not that ronnie needs any help, his research is very thorough. (audience laughing) you should see that boy's little black book, it's filled. in fact, information dials him for phone numbers. (audience laughing) i'll never forget when he had his first date, and i thought he was in trouble so i wanted to help him a little bit, and i said, "ronnie, when you take this girl home tonight, "when you leave her, if you want a goodnight kiss, "tell her to look up at you and say prunes." when he came home i asked him if it worked, and he said, "no, dad, how can a girl say prunes "when you're kissing her?"

he was 15 then. oh yeah, that was the day he started to help plato with that book. (audience laughing) when i was ronnie's age we never even looked at the girl's in our class. they all wore blue mini blouses and those long, black, cotton stockings. for awhile i thought the girls were boys who walked to school in the mud. (audience laughing) i finally found how to tell which was which, i'd have a fight with somebody and if i got a black eye it was a girl. (audience laughing) the boys wouldn't fight with me. you see, i wore long, black stockings, too. (audience laughing) but i'm not worried about ronnie, like anything else, girls are just a passing phase with him. from 10 to 12, he was collecting old coins. and he gave that up. from 12 to 15 he was a boy scout. he gave that up, too. from 15 to 18 it was baseball, after that it was skin diving, and now from 21 to 95 it's girls. (audience laughing)

(audience laughing) - well, i'll be back in a few minutes, so please, harry, think of something. - i will, gracie. (frisky music) now that gracie has finally gone, may i please have my lunch? - we haven't solved ronnie's problem. you heard gracie say she's coming back for an answer. oh, you wouldn't want that boy thrown out of school just because he's girl crazy. - i have scant sympathy for a youth who will permit a mere woman to sway him from the pursuit of knowledge. i was confronted with the same temptations when i was an undergraduate. - well, what did you do? it may help ronnie. - it was in my college latin class, and a young lady became enamored of me. - well, i did, too, but i was desperate, what was her excuse? (audience laughing) - we were studying cicero's orations, and this hildegard bassett who sat across the aisle-- - hildegard bassett? - yes. (audience laughing) - hildegard bassett? - i told you, yes, well she sat across the aisle from me and she did everything in her power to distract me.

she even went so far as to cross her limbs so i could see the outline of her shin bone. - oh, that brazen hussy. - but despite her wiles, i kept my eyes resolutely on the pages of cicero. then, she played her trump. - what did she do? - she crossed the aisle and sat close to me, her warm breath fanned my face, her lips were close to mine. - but you still didn't look up? - oh, on the contrary, i not only looked up, i touched her lips. - touched them? - with my forefinger, that moistened it, and i turned another page of cicero. (audience laughing) - i believe that story's true, you've been turning pages as long as i've known you. - that is when i made up my mind never to let a pretty face interfere with my work. that's why i do so much of it at home. (frisky music) (audience laughing) - well, harry, have you thought of a way to help ronnie yet? - please, i haven't had my lunch yet-- - lunch. - what is this? pot roast again? - yes.

- but you love pot roast, it's your favorite dish! - it was, but you've served it four times this week. (audience laughing) blanche, don't you realize, no matter how much a man likes something, he sickens quickly if he sees too much of it? (frisky music) - well, old pop-off popped again. please excuse him, gracie. - excuse him? why, he just solved ronnie's problem. - he did? what's the solution? - pot roast! - pot roast? - well, look blanche, ronnie likes pretty girls. so i'll fill the whole house with so many pretty girls, he'll never look at pot roast again as long as he lives. come on. (audience laughing) - where are we going? - oh, wait, i'll help you get your purse and your gloves. - my purse and my gloves? - oh, we don't need to do that, you can do that yourself, come on to my house... - where are we going? (frisky music) i'm sure i'll find out. (audience laughing)

- listen, gracie, this may be a good idea of yours, but you can't just walk into this model agency and hire a lot of beautiful models. mr. hartman'll want to know why you want them. - blanche, i've got a brain, you know. and after i see how smart he is, i'll know how much of it to use. (audience laughing) - ladies. i'm mr. hartman. - oh, how do you do? - [blanche] how do you do? - [mr. hartman] how do you do? - what can i do for you? - well, i'd like to hire some beautiful girls. - well, may i ask what you want these models for? publicity purposes? modeling fashions? commercial art? - my, you're so helpful, i might be able to talk to you without using my brain at all! (audience laughing) - well, you see, before you can hire these models i must know what business you're in. you haven't told me your name. - well, of course not, i didn't think i'd have to mention her name. you see, she's one of america's leading commercial photographers,

(audience laughing) (blanche laughing) - well, i'm sorry, i know most of the photographers in this area, but i don't recall ever seeing you. - oh, well naturally, you see, she's been so busy, she hasn't had her head out from under that black cloth for the last few years. (audience laughing) - that's true, these lights really hurt my eyes. that's what makes me blink like this. (audience laughing) - well, can we have the girls? - certainly, miss allen. - oh, you know me. - yes, of course, you're gracie allen. now i don't know who this famous photographer is, but when you explained why i didn't know her, i recognized you immediately. - yeah. (audience laughing) - will you send in the young ladies, please? now i have four beautiful girls, i'm sure they'll fill the bill. you see, they all came out here last july for the miss universe contest, and they've stayed in town ever since doing modeling and motion picture work. girls? this is joan adams, miss nevada. - oh, hello.

- next, this is marianne gaba, miss illinois. - hello. - hello. - [mr. hartman] next, this is lisa simone, miss france. - oh, bonjour. - bonjour. (audience laughing) - [mr. hartman] next, this is inger vorkson, miss sweden. - oh, i'm sorry, i have to go back to hello again, i don't speak swedish. - hello. - oh, you don't speak it, either. (audience laughing) - well, how do you like them? - oh, they're stunning. - they certainly are. - well, they're all hired. i'll be waiting for them in my car. come on, blanche. - mm-hmm. - oh, you girls are just what i want. you're beautiful enough to make any man sink. - no, no, no, no, what she... (audience laughing) - you girls were great. you see, that was gracie allen. now you might all be on her television show.

(audience laughing - harry, we're not doing the western. - george, listen, i keep telling you, when you see me do this - [harry] great dying scene, - [george] harry, harry, - [harry] you'll change your - [george] look at me, - [george] look at me when i talk to you. (audience laughing) we're not doing the western. - but you don't understand, this is the way my television fans want to see me. - [george] well then look. - [harry] it's a lot of... - [george] go around the neighborhood, and wherever you see an antenna, knock on the door, and die for them. (audience laughing) - and, this is our garden. (girls murmuring) oh, now remember, girls, when ronnie comes home from school i want you to follow him wherever he goes, and be as beautiful and as charming as you can be so he'll get sick of pot roast and go back to greek philosophy. (audience laughing) - this is the plan that's gonna cure ronnie, huh? - oh, yes. - that's a nice plan, when i was a kid they gave me sulfur and molasses. - did it work? - did it work? i loved it so much,

- really? (audience laughing) - look, gracie, this plan hasn't got a chance. you see, in the first place, ronnie knows the girls don't belong here. in the second place, - [george] once ronnie sees - [gracie] oh wait, wait, wait, - [george] these girls-- - i'll fix that. now, come on girls, with me, i'll get you different clothes so it'll look like you work here. - [george] ah, before you go, i want to say that i've never seen such beauty. - oh, thank you, and the girls are very pretty, too. (audience laughing) - you know, if ronnie gives up these girls to go back to greek philosophy i'll have to raise his allowance because a boy that stupid could never make his own living. (audience laughing) - george? - yes? - all day i have felt like a cad. earlier gracie came to me for help in your problem about young ronald's over-emphasized interest in girls, and i let her down. - everybody seems to be worrying about it except ronnie. - but george, maybe now i can make amends. maybe i can persuade young ronald that women should be the secondary importance in a young man's life.

- [george] ronnie? you must have been very close to the blackboard because there's some red chalk right close to your lips. (audience laughing) - [harry] oh, ronald? i'd like to talk with you. - yes, sir. - well ronald, as you may know, i feel closer to you than just a friend and neighbor. and since we're both college men, i feel i can talk to you as an older brother. now, we have something else in common, (audience laughing) in college, i, too, was a student of greek philosophy, and i found the subject a most rewarding one. (audience laughing) and i can see that appeals to you, also, because the moment i mentioned the subject i saw a new sparkle come into your eye. - oh, you're not kidding. (audience laughing) - well, harry, you're getting right through to him. - thank you. well, you know, i'm glad we enjoy the same things, because these are the things in life that count. (audience laughing) - harry, you're doing fine, providing you don't turn around. - what? (harry gasps) (audience laughing) - well, we better continue our talk outside. - come on, ronnie.

- stick around, gorgeous, i'll be right back. (frisky music) - believe me, ronald, i cannot impress this on you too strongly. education is of paramount importance. you should let nothing stand between you and the pursuit of it. within... (audience laughing) nothing could be finer. - then to be in carolina. - exactly, no! (audience laughing) ronald, let's continue this elsewhere. (frisky music) - stick around, honey, i'll be right back. - the man certainly will. (audience laughing) - [george] go ahead, harry, tell him. - [harry] oh, yes. - tell him about his work. - look, ronnie, i have to tell you-- - his school work. - yes, your education is paramount-- - it's most important. - most, most, most, yes... (audience laughing) i don't remember. (audience laughing) look, my dear, even if it's pot roast, i'll be here for dinner. (audience laughing) - gracie?

- you said just get help with the part. where did you get these girls? - oh, from a model agency. - what does that cost? - oh, about a hundred thousand dollars. you see, it's a four story building, - [gracie] and it's very - [george] no, no - [gracie] modern, ititas all of these-- - no, not what the building costs, what do the girls cost? - oh, they each get 25 dollars an hour. - this is murder. who's got that kind of money? - well, they'll have it as soon as you pay them. (audience laughing) - how long did you hire them for? - well, until ronnie gets sick of them. - what happens if he never gets sick of them? - oh, when that time comes, i'll think of something else. - i'm sure you will. (audience laughing) - mother, i've been thinking about my education, and-- - [george] yeah, but not alone. - i've been talking to the girls, and, well, if it means that much to you, i promise i'll study from nine to three. - oh, ronnie, that's wonderful. - what about after three? - well, i have their phone numbers-- - phone numbers, i thought so. (audience laughing) - we'll meet you out in the garden, ronnie. - fine, i'll bring some sandwiches. (frisky music) - well, now that everything is settled, the girls go back to the model agency.

- good, then i can relax, and i'm going to the friar's club to play a little bridge. - oh wait, i'll have the chauffeur drive you over. (bell ringing) - the chauffeur? - sure. (frisky music) (audience laughing) - yes, ma'am? - drive my husband to the friar's club. - yes, ma'am. (quirky music) - i can't wait for georgie jessel to see this. (audience laughing) - mother, aren't you afraid to let dad go out in the car with that beautiful girl? - oh, of course not, anybody drives better than your father. (audience laughing) come on, i'll help you make the sandwiches.

(audience clapping) - thank you very much. well, gracie, the time has come to talk about one of your relatives again. - yeah, alright. - alright? - but, you know, i read some of the letters people wrote in, and they don't think some of my relatives are very smart. so, this season, we're only going to talk about the intelligent ones. - looks like a short season. (audience laughing) - well, i won't mention them unless they're at least as intelligent as i am. - season is getting longer. (audience laughing) well, which intelligent relative will we start with? - well, how about my cousin who's a famous novelist? - i didn't know you had a cousin who wrote novels. - well, what do you think balzac allen has been writing all these years? prescriptions? (audience laughing) - balzac allen? was he a good novelist? - the best! well he wouldn't write about anything unless he lived through the experience. he even tried to hang himself once so he could write a description of how it feels to die. (audience laughing) - you mean he actually tried it with a, with a rope around his neck?

- why didn't he put it around his neck? - well, he tried that way, but he couldn't breathe. - he couldn't breathe. (audience laughing) well, it's better that way because with the rope around your waist it can hold up your pants, too. - now, you see, you'd have made a wonderful novelist, too. - you mean, he actually wouldn't write anything unless he lived through it? - that's right. and once it got him arrested. - how? - well, he was writing about a girl who lived at the ywca. - well, no wonder he was arrested. - well sure, he went into their pool without taking a shower first. (audience laughing) - we don't need any other relative. we can spend the entire season talking about this kid. - oh, what a job he did when he wrote an answer to john gunther's books called inside u.s.a. and inside europe. balzac's book was called outside san quentin. (audience laughing) - outside san quentin? - yes, and it was wonderful. and you know, the amazing thing was he wrote it from memory because he hadn't been outside in 15 years. (audience laughing) - what was he in for?

- [gracie] a shower first.. - [george] shower, oh yes. - [george] i forgot. what would you say was balzac's best novel? - well, now, for years he worked on a story, the story of his life. - yeah. - but, as long as he lived, he couldn't seem to get a finish. - so what did he do? - well, what could he do, he used the rope again. - and this time he actually put it around his neck? - yep. - and lost his life? - no, just his pants. - gracie, say goodnight. - goodnight. (audience clapping) (theme song) - and that verdict must be...guilty, guilty, guilty! - sir? - oh, what is it, carpenter? - admiral farley is on the phone. - i practically had mchale in front of the firing squad and you have to butt in. - where is he, sir? - i can dream, can't i? who's on the phone? - admiral farley, sir, on the scramble phone, all the way from washington. - admiral farley? well, why didn't you say so? - oh, sir, i did but you were dreaming, remember? - oh, shut up, you tattletale.

ha ha ha. - now hear this, captain. at 1200 hours today a russian naval officer will arrive at your base. - a russian officer? - commander m.j. krasni. assigned to study p.t. operations preparatory to setting up a russian unit at murmansk. this is ultra top-level stuff, captain. the orders came direct from the big 3. give this russian the v.i.p. treatment. roll out the red carpet. - oh, yes, sir. for the red--naturally, it would be a red carpet. heh heh heh. a little joke that i-- - stow the corny jokes, captain, this is a serious matter. - yes, sir. don't worry, admiral, we'll take care of everything. yes, sir. thank you. how about that? - congratulations, sir. i couldn't help overhearing. - well, let's get going, carpenter. order an honor guard and see if you can dig up a russian flag. get going, boy. get going! m.j. those orders came right from the big 3.

- atten-hut! present arms! - thank you, men. thank you. carry on. - mchale, what are you doing here? order arms.

- yeah, look, sir, my mother sent me my pet turtle. - pet turtle? - yeah, her name is agnes. - agnes? that's a funny name--would you stop with that thing? mchale, i am expecting a very important visitor--a commander in the russian navy. - oh. - excuse me, ensign. sir, i had a very difficult time, but i finally found a russian flag, uh-huh. - give me that. it's a czar's flag. they had a revolution. didn't you hear about it? - i'm surprised at you. - well, sir. ooh, ooh, sir. here comes the astro jeep. the russian is here. - mchale, clear out. get rid of that thing. - yes, sir. - present arms! - captain binghamton at your service. welcome to taratupa. ohh. - commander m.j. krasni reporting, sir. - well, well, well. what a pleasant surprise, my dear. - my dear? - ohh. well, that's an expression that we use, ma'am.

- technically, that is correct. - technically, that is sensational. - on behalf of the u.s. navy i want to-- - wait, captain. i have orders to report to lieutenant commander quinton mchale for p.t. boat instruction. - there must be some mistake. see, i'm the captain. i'm the senior officer on this base and i'm sure you want to take your instruction from me. - impossible, captain. i have order to mchale. in russian navy, orders are meant to be obeyed. - they're the same way here, ma'am. welcome aboard. i'm lieutenant commander mchale. - and i'm ensign charles parker. boy ally. - will you show me to your base now, captain? - oh, with pleasure, commander ma'am. chuck, get the commander's gear, will you? - that won't be necessary. - now, wait a minute, ma'am. my pleasure. here, skip. here, i'll take that.

- shall we? - wait, commander, can't we-- - captain, orders are orders. and if you want commander krasni, you'll know where to find her. - oh, binghamton. sir, sir, please. remember the big 3. - oh! - aah! - [all talking at once] - hey! [chanting] - commander, this is your crew? - no, no, no, probably just some u.s.o. unit, uh...rehearsing.

- tada! - compliments of p.t. 73ski, comrade. hot borscht for everybody! - yay! - a complete lack of discipline! can't you control your men, commander? - sure i can, but the boys kind of thought you were on our side. as you guys can see, this is strictly a military mission. now then, what about some quarters for the commander? - it's all set, sir. we put her in mr. parker's hut. - you did? - yeah! - ha ha ha. - right this way, ma'am. - which part of room is mine? - which part? it's all yours. - nyet. i will do as in murmansk. bunk with crew. - yeah! - all right, stow it! - ah, excuse me, ma'am, but you'll help shorten the war if you bunk in here alone. - yeah, i think it'd be a lot better.

- very well, i stay. this bed has mattress. remove it! - out. - milk cartons out! - out. - flowers out! - out. - in war, you have to suffer. [whistle blowing] - what's going on? - hey, what's this all about? - hey, what's going on? - it's the middle of the night. - abandon ship! man the lifeboats! morning, ma'am. - what's wrong, commander? - it's precisely 0500. why did no one sound "reveille"? - at this hour? it would wake everybody up. - well, you see, we lost our bugler. you see, he's got a split lip, split lip. - we don't have a bugler. - oh, well, thanks for taking over anyway, commander.

- wait! don't you have morning calisthenics? - calisthenics? oh, yes, of course. how could we have forgotten? - if you wish, i will conduct, the way we do in russian navy. - it will make our day complete. yes. - [speaking russian] take your places. - [all talking at once] - come on, come on. let's go. - to begin--100 pushups. - 100 pushups? - that's to begin with? - stow it, stow it. come on. get into position there. come on, let's go. - [all groaning] - all right, down, everybody. that's it. what are you doing? - praying for an air raid. - up, down, up, hold, one, two. is enough. - enough? give us our purple hearts.

- at 0630? but that's only 10 minutes from now. - yeah, what about breakfast? - breakfast? what breakfast? we are at war. - yeah, but i've got to leave the room. - ok, you swabs, come on. get dressed on the double. and get over to that boat for a clean-up party. - with her for an ally, who needs an enemy? - yeah, we've got to lose that dame. she's trying to work us to death. - we're with you, grube. but how are we going to dump her? - easy. we're supposed to teach her about p.t.s, right? all we've got to do is foul up the trial run and she goes running back to binghamton for another teacher. clever? - ah. is fine fighting craft. - yeah, solid as a rock, boy. - care for a souvenir, ma'am?

around, ma'am. heh heh. - yeah, right this way. - what are these doing in an ammunition can? - oh, those are codebooks, yes. top secret. yes, ma'am. - "adventures of mighty mouse?" - oh, i haven't read that one. - oh, and here are our torpedoes, ma'am. - ah, yes. the bear sting of your little mosquito boat. [banging] - what are beer cans doing in a torpedo tube? - well, actually, they're an american- type molotov cocktail. you just bite off the end--

this mess and prepare to get under way, pronto! we are heading out to sea. - corrections, commander. we are heading to main base. i want a word with captain binghamton! - those men. untidy, unruly, disorganized, incompetent! - ah, i'm shocked. i'm grieved. make sure you get every word. - you understand, captain, this is only for your ears. - oh, i understand that, commander. i understand that. send copies to comfleet, the pentagon, the big 3. - after all, we are allies. - yes, of course we are. now, don't you worry about a thing, commander. i will take over the p.t. instruction. - thank you. and to think i was to bring those men to murmansk. - yes, think about that. my goodness. well, first thing in the morning-- murmansk? out by the arctic circle, murmansk? you were going to take them with you? - da. those were my orders-- to return with p.t. boat

- sir, i'll get this typed up, - don't you dare, don't you dare. is it possible that we're making a mistake? - mistake? - oh, yes. yes, i mean, mchale is a great skipper, you know, he's got a grand crew. - those hooligans? - oh, they're fighters, those lads, fighters. they've been through a lot lately. - oh, you mean perhaps they are suffering from battle fatigue. - that's it. - but, sir, you know they're one of the worst crews we've ever had. - [muttering] a nice sea voyage, a long rest, they'll be fine, they'll be fine. you take them to murmansk, commander, you'll never regret it. - i am not sure of that. but it will be a challenge. - oh, it will be that, all right. i say, commander, losing those boys is going to be like losing my right arm, but, after all, there is a war on. - very well, captain. i accept your advice. - ah. - i go to wireless my superiors. - good, you do that to your superiors-- - sir, you've really done it. you've done it!

- mchale and his crew in murmansk. i'm free. free, free, free! ha ha ha! [singing] - excuse me? - my briefcase. - oh, ok. ah...i suppose you're wondering...what free--my wife just had a baby. - da. - da. yeah, that's what he said, "da da." [laughter] [cheering and applause] - gruber, i ought to throw you in the brig for getting us in a spot like this, but, um, put 'er there. - thanks, skip. i regret that i have but one brain to give for my shipmates. - hey, condition red. binghamton at 2:00. - uh-oh. back to the boondocks. - afternoon, captain. - hello there. how are you, quint? - quint? then you're not sore at us, captain? - oh, do you think that--as a matter of fact, i brought presents for you boys.

- bring in the presents, you men. these are the presents. heh heh heh. - snowsuits? oh, well, what's the weather report, captain? - ah, sunny and warmer. - sunny and warmer? - come in, commander krasni, come in. - prepare your boat, commander. tomorrow we sail for murmansk. - murmansk? - i have received wireless. admiral gurevitch is flying in to accept boat 73 for the baltic fleet. - baltic fleet? - hey, you can't do that to us! - this is kidnapping! - it's called lend-lease, comrade. i go to complete my report. - you're going to love murmansk, quint. it's a fun town. - but, but, captain, you can't hand them over the 73! - he's right, we're not going to go.

so, you can see, quint, i'm a reasonable man.

- come on, you geniuses, think! we've got to come up with something in a hurry. - if we could only make her understand what this is going to do to the outfit. - how? it's like talking to a battleship. - well, if i can talk to her man to man--i mean, man to woman. - what woman? she don't even know she's a dame. - if she did, i could make her understand. - oh, come on, lover boy, don't start any--hey, virgil here can sweet-talk a dame into anything, right? - yeah, yeah. - yeah, skip. - a dame, yes, skip. but she's got about as much sex appeal as a sherman tank. - you can say that again. - true, true. but underneath all that armor plate, there's still a woman. all she needs is a little reminding. - what are you getting onto, skip? - yeah, what's cooking?

[jazz music playing] - evening, commander. here's that supply list you wanted. - thank you, commander. - boy, it's stuffy in here. ha ha. what do you know? boy, the crew must be having a party. care to join 'em? - sorry. i have to complete this report. - well, good night. ok, boys, let's start phase 1. go ahead. - [singing in russian]

hey, fuj, come here. we're going to start phase 2. here we go. go ahead. - all right. - no, no. - go on, go on. - compliments of the skipper, commander. iced tea. - tea? thank you. oh! - oh, i'm terribly sorry, sir. i mean, ma'am. - never mind, i will change. my uniforms, they are gone. - well, i suppose the guys put them in the laundry. here. you can wear one of these if you like. - what is this? - oh, it's called a sarong. they're very comfortable to work in. i wear one all the time. well, see you, sir. - sir? - what is it? - admiral gurevitch is here, sir.

captain wallace binghamton at your service. well, you see i was just practicing air raid tactics. you see, we fold these little-- - where is commander krasni? - commander krasni? she's with the p.t. across the bay, sir. - carpenter, gi--gi--gi-- - yes, sir. - admiral, may i say, on behalf of the united states navy-- - no speeches, please. you got americanski cigarette? - oh, yes, yes, yes, sir. right here. here. - good, good, good. also, chewing gum? - oh, chewing gum. chewing gum is right in here, admiral. - oh. chocolate barski. ah. ah, we go now, captain. captain? is going to be long war.

- wow! no sherman tank was ever built like that. - you can say that again. - no sherman tank was ever built like that. - shh. i think our opening barrage e rked, boys. ok, chuck. phase 3 coming up. come on, hit that beachhead. - beg your...pardon, ma'am. skipper, wanted to know if you could spare a minute. he needs some professional advice. - very well. i go. is anything wrong? - huh? no, no. everyfine's thing. i mean, everything's fine. yeah, it's really ship-shape. i think we better both go. skipper's awaiting. - commander, ensign parker told me that you needed some professional advice. - yes, we're sorry to bother you, but, you see, willy here whipped up a batch

- vodka? - yes, to bring to our allies up in murmansk. as a present, yes. well, we'd like to get your opinion of the taste. do you mind? - da. - there you are. heh heh. - not bad. - well, how about this batch? there you are. - also good. - also good, also good. now try this one. ha ha ha. - mmm-mmm. very authentic. - heh heh heh. well, that's wonderful.

- oh, well, why don't you stick around, ma'am? - nyet. i must repleat my comport. - repleat my comport? - [singing in russian] [hiccup] oh, excuse me. - virgil. virgil? - evening, doll. the name is virgil. - virgil? - yeah, you like kind of good, honey. you want to dance? - dance? - music, music! [slow music playing] - yes, i will dance. with him. he has such sweet, stupid face. just like peasant. bubishka! take me in your arms. - well, this dance is already promised. my card is almost filled up. - come on, come on. will you stop the romance--get in there. come on. please, get in there.

- that music is too slow. i want excitement! [fast music playing] - bubishka! take me in your arms! - hey! - hey! - hey, hey! - hey! - hey! - hey! - hey! - hey, hey, hey, hey! hey, hey, hey, hey! hey, hey, hey, hey! - atten-hut! - hey, hey, hey! - what is going on here? - where is commander krasni? - admiral gurevitch. - don't interrupt. i'm looking for... commander krasni! shame on you. - mchale, you're responsible for this. - now, wait a minute-- - you are disgrace to russian navy, the whole russian population! - forgive me, comrade. - silence!

- it's an official p.t. boat uniform. - this is how you represent, mother land? this is--this is... on you this looks good. i mean, i am shocked! horrified! i didn't know you had such a cute shape, marushka. - marushka? - come. we discuss in private. we shall return! - mchale, you tried to destroy a fine officer, but you're not going to get away with it. now, you are going to murmansk if i have to carry the crew of the 73 aboard piggyback. - you're all heart, sir. yes. - i wouldn't--i wouldn't say that. personally, i think-- - parker, would you shut up? - captain? commander krasni and i have discussed. we got new plan! - new plan? - da. what--who needs crummy, old p.t. boat? we go to america. get new boat. huh, marushka? - da.

- look here, admiral-- - meantime, night is young. i hear you got vodka. - vodka coming up. come on, chuck. - oh, admiral, just a minute. you can't-- captain, don't be wet blket, captain. vodka for captain. as lenin said, "live a little!" music! [music playing] - dance! - you can't win them all.

- it's on again? they're taking you to murmansk? - no, no. we're just getting our pictures taken. - da, captain. - hey, fellas, come on!

[music playing] - hey, hey, hey! - hey! - hey! - that's it! - hey! - come on, captain, remember, for the big 3. - hey! hey! - hey! hey! - hey! hey! hey! hey! - come, marushka. it's going to be long...long war. - hey! - hey! - hey! hey! captioning made possible by nbc universa - you will never get away with this. you cannot just walk into an american naval base, and steal a boatload of supplies. - pepi, you have no confidence. it worked in [indistinct] base, just let me do the talking, and it will work here. - halt! who goes there? i'm ensign parker, officer of the day. - oh, no. this is going to be easier than i thought.

- oh, please, monsieur, you have nothing to fear from us. we are merely humble fishermen in distress. - huh? oh, well then. now what a minute. hey, you're big frenchy. last time we saw you it was in new caledonia and you stole our pt boat. - oh, ensign parker, how nice, you remembered me. - put me down. no hugging on duty. i'm...you guys are under arrest. - oh, but, please, monsieur, you have nothing to fear from big frenchy. i have, as you americans say, turned over a new leaf, eh? believe that. it's from the chief of police of new caledonia congratulating big frenchy for the wonderful work he has done with the boy scouts and the pta. see there, it says, we are proud of you. you have become a model citizen. how about that? - boy, the pta. wow. hey, can i have that letter. i'd like to show the gang. - oh, no. i am sorry. it might get lost. i want to send it to my mother. - you've got a mother, too. boy, wait, till they hear--oh, of course you have a mother.