- oh, please, monsieur, you have nothing to fear from us. we are merely humble fishermen in distress. - huh? oh, well then. now what a minute. hey, you're big frenchy. last time we saw you it was in new caledonia and you stole our pt boat. - oh, ensign parker, how nice, you remembered me. - put me down. no hugging on duty. i'm...you guys are under arrest. - oh, but, please, monsieur, you have nothing to fear from big frenchy. i have, as you americans say, turned over a new leaf, eh? believe that. it's from the chief of police of new caledonia congratulating big frenchy for the wonderful work he has done with the boy scouts and the pta. see there, it says, we are proud of you. you have become a model citizen. how about that? - boy, the pta. wow. hey, can i have that letter. i'd like to show the gang. - oh, no. i am sorry. it might get lost. i want to send it to my mother. - you've got a mother, too. boy, wait, till they hear--oh, of course you have a mother.

the office of your captain? i have a little business to transact there. - oh, well, it's right over there in that big hut. hey, i'd be proud to take you over there. - sir, you are the o.d. you must scout the island. huh? - right. yeah, well, i'll see around. uh, roger, over and out. - gee, i love that kind of talk.

- we are with the french underground. my identification, sir. i am general renee jacques henri bouchet at your service, mon capitan. - well, how do i know that general oray olay whatever that is you're saying here. - oh, i admire you for your caution, sir. it is no wonder they call you the jungle fox, sir. - i don't care what they-- they call me the jungle fox? - do not be modest, everyone has heard of the famous captain binghamton, huh? - oh, yes, you're right. you see, sir, i keep telling you, you've become a legend in your own time. - perhaps this will convince you, sir. my orders direct from general de gaulle. - oh, de gaulle, what do you know about that? - "to our american allies, this is to introduce "the courageous leader of the underground movement,

henri--" - thank you, carpenter, now why don't you come back around sunday afternoons and read me the funnies. i'm perfectly capable of reading this thing myself. - well, sir, ow! [talking at once] - it's on fire. what's wrong with you? - i'm sorry, sir, but you know, we in the underground are trained to burn our secret orders, so they do not fall into the hands of the enemy. - i didn't even get to the part where...i was trying to-- - i also have the microfilm of documents signed by your own eisenhower. and montgomery. - oh, microfilm. eisenhower and montgomery. microfilm? is that-- i can't make anything out of that. get me a magnifying glass. - oh, yes, sir. - there is no time for that. now is the time for action. i am already late for my rendezvous with the suicide patrol. - a suicide patrol? you're going to see a suicide... well, uh, forgive me, general, i'm very sorry for this bumbling numbskull holding us up like this.

- i have need of a few meager supplies, for myself and for a handful of patriarchs. - and for... you need, uh, you need all of that for a handful of patriarchs. - oh, you are right. forget the spices. but the rest are l necessities. - i can see that. [mumbling] food and chocolate bars and waterproof wristwatches, - yes, yes, yes... - well, cameras? why would you need cameras? - i will tell general de gaulle of your cooperation. ah, captain, i know you are not interested in glory, but i hope you will accept a little [speaking french] as a token of esteem. - oh. well, i... that would be something, wouldn't it? what's wrong with cameras? haven't you ever heard of recognizance? - but, i, uh-- - don't argue with the, uh, jungle fox? - the jungle fox. - don't argue with the jungle fox. give me that general. here, lieutenant, give me the whole thing there.

- fill this. yes, sir. - hi, chuck. - hi, skip. - hey, how's the o.d.? - oh, great. hey, boy, am i glad to see you. you'll never guess who's here, big frenchy. just went up to see binghamton. - big frenchy? i thought i recognized his boat. why, that swindling, sea dog. - get rid of him, skip, as a favor to me. this island ain't big enough for two crooks. - now, listen, you guys wait here. i'm going to go up and warn binghamton before that officer's club is missing. - make yourself at home. i'll be right back. [humming] [knock on door] - captain binghamton. - mchale, my old friend. - ohh! let go of me, you thieving bilch rat!

friend who is trying to make a living as a poor but honest fisherman. - fisherman? ha! well, i see you've already started fishing, without permission. - how did that get in there? - the same way it... the same way that these got in there, like flying fish, they flew in. - here we are, general. i've got the...mchale, what are you doing...you're the one that's been stealing my chocolate bars. - he tried to get away with your gold pen. - hey, now wait a minute. sir, i came into warn you about this crook. - crook? you dare call this gentleman a crook? this man is a member of the french... - fishing fleet, sir. - uh, oh, i get it, the fishing fleet. - fishing fleet? but, sir, this man is an out and out pirate. - do not be too hard on mchale, captain. over the years, he has tried to reform. the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

- now, wait a minute here, mchale, i'm standing here in the middle of this thing, and besides, don't you dare touch this fine gentleman. i'll take care of you later. now you get out of my office. - but, sir. - out, out, out, out, out. - all right, sir. it's your problem, not mine. but i've got one word of advice for you, sir, you better hold on to your skivvies. - oh, he's a terrible man. imagine saying a word like skivvies in front of a stranger. i'd give anything to get rid of him. - why don't you send him out on a mission? - well, i do send him out on missions, but he always comes back. - i mean, now, as a favor to me, and the underground. men like that could ruin everything--big mouth. - yes, you're right, but i don't have a mission to send him on right now, general. - are you sure, jungle fox? - oh, you mean, heh heh heh.

- oh, thank you, general. - tut tut tut tut, call me frenchy, that is what they call cosmere, what does macarthur call you? - macarthur call me? oh, well, he calls me wally a lot, and i call him doug. to you, frenchy. - and to you, doug. - oh, no, no, no. he's doug, i'm wally. - well, i'll drink to both of you. - hey, skip, what kind of a goofy mission is this? - o'connell is just a deserted rock. - there ain't a nip within 500 miles of the place. - present company excepted. - will you get below? - hey, skip, we just can't leave that french bandit here. - i'm not going until i bury my piggy bank. - move, move, come on, get on board. - all right, all right. - darn it, we've got to get fuji back to our island anyway. not you, chuck, you're the o.d., remember? - oh, yeah, yeah. - look, chuck, you've got a big job to do here. you've got to keep your eye on big frenchy. we want to find an island here when we get back. - don't worry, skip, i'll be on the job.

- oh, no worry, skip, i always keep the safety on. - thank you, captain. oh, did you get the supplies that general bouchet requested? - yes, sir, they've been delivered to the dock for your inspection before loading. - oh good, good. well, first i've got to stop at the air strip, the admiral just arrived, unexpectedly. - oh, the admiral, sir? - yes. - i bet he's bringing you congratulations from general de gaulle, sir. this certainly is your lucky day, sir. - yes, it could be more than that. this could be the day that i really talk to the admiral about getting rid of mchale. - again, sir? - but this time i've got the perfect replacement for mchale. i have got a man that knows these waters just as well as mchale does. big frenchy. - big frenchy? who's big frenchy, sir? - general bouchet to you. if i could get him assigned here with us, my troubles would be over. oh, i tell you. i'll meet you at the dock. tell the general to wait for me. - yes, sir. i'll get the door for you, sir.

does a man who knows how to get rid of mchale look lie he can't open a door to you? - oh! - [speaking french] this is a bigger haul than old india. - you stick with me, next week who knows? the brooklyn navy yard? - general bouchet, sir? - not in public. call me big frenchy. - sorry, sir. i just wanted to inform you that captain binghamton will be a little late inspecting this cargo. - late? - yes, sir. - that will never do. it is getting close to zero hour. - oh. - we of the french underground always wear 4 wristwatches. - 4? - one is set for each time zone. - oh, i see. well, don't worry, sir. we'll get you out on time. the captain just stopped by the air strip to talk to admiral rogers for a few minutes. - the admiral? he is here? - yeah. unexpected visit. he's--oh, i just remembered, i forgot to make my bed. i've got to run. i'll be back. - [muttering] we better make a run for it. - not without the supplies.

[speaking french] - hey, big frenchy, i got you. one move, and i'll let you have it. - ok. - that's right. and the only way these supplies are getting off this dock is over my dead body, so i better be careful. i mean, you better be careful. now, put your hands... hey. i know you're there. - pardon. there is no need for violence, monsieur. i would not stand a chance against a man of steel like you. - me? really? - do not be modest. everyone has heard of the famous ensign parker. - they have? - i will have to tell you the real reason i am here. the reason to see your captain binghamton, i am with the french underground. - you are? oh, come on now. - oh, i admire you for your caution.

- yeah, well, sticks and stones. the jungle fox? - here are my orders direct from your very own general eisenhower. - general eisenhower? he's pretty important. - very important man. - yeah, i see where it says... hey, they're on fire. - my mission is top secret. - oh, yeah, well, we couldn't let the enemy know. - oh, so you see, we must move, and pardon, we must move and move quickly. - oh, yeah, sure, because...you know something? commander mchale thought you were stealing this stuff. - oh, he is such a suspicious man. now can we start the loading? - well, yeah. we better get...i don't know though, i'm still o.d., i better check with somebody. - oh, i am glad you mentioned that. i almost forgot the big news. new orders from your own admiral allsy. - admiral allsy? - you are no longer the o.d.

you are now major parker of the french underground. - well, if i'd had known, i'd have shaved. [whistles] - now, major, can we get on with the... - sure, yeah, my golly. oh, you forgot to burn the orders. - oh, yes. you are so clever. i am so stupid. - well, the jungle fox. boy, wait till the skipper finds out about this. from ensign to major all in one day.

- men, i want you to meet our new supply officer. major charles jungle fox parker. this fearless man of destiny has volunteered to help us load and to lead us through dangerous waters to victory.

- general, we have nothing to fear but fear itself. men, i promise to lead you with craft and cunning. after all, they don't call me the jungle fox for nothing. all right, now, let's get the boat loaded. alley, alley. - allez, allez, allez. - oh...lay. - what do we need him for? - for 2 reasons, 1, to help us make our escape in a hurry, huh? 2, mchale is out there somewhere. if he tries to stop us, we have the jungle fox as a hostage. - you american sailors, help us frenchmen load the boats. on the double, on the double. allez, allez. - you said this scheme of mine wouldn't work. we get are getting better service here than we got in old india. - and not only at holumbia, but san martin and milney bay. those black marketeers have wiped us out

can you imaging an officer under my command stupid enough to handle the government supplies to a fast talking french phony? - holumbia and san martin, milney bay. - captain marshall, captain bishop, and captain corbet, who are now, ensign marshall, ensign bishop, and seamen corbet. he even handed over radar equipment. - radar. - you seen any frenchmen around here, binghamton? - oh, no, no, sir, no frenchmen. no, no. - all right. now, what did you rush up here to tell me? my executive officer said it had something to do with a man to replace mchale. - oh, yes, yes, well, uh... - you know how i feel about mchale. who do you suggest to replace a man like that? - who do i suggest? well, uh, uh, carpenter. - carpenter? elroy carpenter? that klutz.

- oh, he's been awfully neat about that lately, admiral. he takes both 3 corners of the sheet and he pulls it very tightly. - binghamton, tell me something. and i want an honest answer, because you are an officer and a gentlemen. are you drunk? - it's gone, sir. it is gone. the french men's boat is gone. - oh, thank you for the 6:00 news. i don't know what i'd do without you, you klutz. sailor, what happened to that french boat? - it left, sir, about a half hour ago, right after we loaded it. under the orders of major parker. - major parker? sailor, are you drunk? - no, sir, haven't you heard? he's a major now in the french underground. when they left, he went with them. - that is the most ridiculous thing i--all right. carry on. carry on. this is beginning to add up, carpenter. it's another one of mchale's plots.

- mission accomplished, captain, that is the o'connell. - all right. you're under arrest now, mchale. arrest this man. get him. arrest him. - arrest? what for, captain? - oh, this is the end of the line, mchale. i've got the goods on you this time. you black marketeer. - black marketeer? - that's what it's going to say on your cell door. your accomplice, big frenchy just left here at half a mile warehouse. - accomplice? but, captain, i wasn't even in this. look, i was the one that tried to warn you about that pirate. - yeah, that's part of the plot. you know whatever you say, i do just the opposite. i've got the goods on all of you. your contact man parker, he's gone with frenchy and his gang of thieves. but the rest of you are going to stand trial. - parker left with them? - those dirty cutthroats. - yeah, they must have grabbed him as a hostage. - poor mr. parker's a goner. - all right, you men, that's a great performance. you should have enlisted in the u.s.o. but now you're going to the brig. get down off of there, that's an order. - sorry, sir, i can't oblige you, captain. but mr. parker's life may be in danger.

- wait a minute. you come back here, stop untying that. elroy, give me a hand, elroy. elroy! - seamen, take hold! quick! quick! - ok, you guys. we don't have much time. we didn't beat frenchy in by much. now, first, we can't use guns. secondly, we can't let them see us, or they're liable to hurt chuck. so, we got to round them up without laying one hand on 'em. - well, how do we do that? - look, have i ever failed ya? - no. - well, i've failed you now. i haven't the slightest idea how we're going to do it.

- yeah? - here they come, boys. all right, lay low. this is it. come on. get. get. - all right, let's get this unloaded before the gendarmerie show up. - yeah--gendarmerie? hey, isn't that french for police? - well, no, no, no, no it is a man's name. in your country the traitor was monsieur benedict arnold,

- be careful, major. -oh, yeah. oh, oh, i almost blew everything.

- frenchy! [speaking in french] [yelling] - skipper, is that you? hey, what are you guys doing on-- - unh! i know you are out there, mchale. now you come out with your hands up, or you are minus one ensign. - major. - pardon. - boys, hold it. hold it. i know frenchy and he means it. - hey, what's going on here, general? i demand an explanation. - you've been taken, chuck. frenchy doesn't work for the underground, he's in business for himself, in the black market. - black market? well, if that's so, general bouchet, i demand that you return your--that smarts. - chuck, don't let him get your gun. - my gun? oh, yeah. - give me that. all right, mchale, thank you very much, now i won't need

- and thank you, frenchy, for solving our problem. now we can go closer, boys. - oh, i wouldn't do that if i were you, skip. - neither would i, mchale. - ah, now don't worry there, chuck. he may have your gun, but i've got your bullets. [clicking] i took them out this morning when you nearly shot your leg off, remember? ha ha ha ha! - sacre bleu. who can fight such stupidity? - there. - hey, skip, here comes binghamton and the admiral. - all right, mchale, i've got you and your gang of thieves this time. you're all under arrest. - boy, skip, you better give me back my gun. i'm in enough trouble as it is. - oh, relax, chuck. let him yell. we've got nothing to worry about. - oh, well, i guess you're right. we did capture big frenchy. it's a good thing you took the bullets out of this. [gunshots]

- my fault, skip. i couldn't bear to leave mr. parker alone without any bullets, so i put a few back in. w w it's worth a hole in my hat to round up this gang of black marketeers. mchale, parker, i'm proud of you. - thank you, sir. we're glad to be of help. - all right, men, let's get these fellas to the police station. - bye-bye, sir. - that was very clever of you, mchale. no wonder they call you the jungle fox. - come on, come on, get out of here.

let's just say good-bye. - too-ta-loo. - you may have fooled the admiral, but you're not fooling me. they don't call me the jungle fox for nothing. - hey, wait a minute. i'm the jungle fox. - you'll be the jungle jackass en i get through with you. i'm calling for a thorgh investigation. i don't intend to rest until i get to the bottom of this. llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllo. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed this is the way we shine our shoes shine our shoes, shine our shoes this is the way we shine our shoes every sunday morning

ed, how many times have i told you not to use my shoeshine kit? oh, about 80 or 90. why? that's very funny. i don't like you using my stuff. but we're buddies, wilbur. we ought to share. that sharing... and look at this. i don't mind you reading the magazines, ed, but at least you could leave the place tidy. you want a horse or a house maid? one thing i don't want is a pig. neither do i. they eat like horses. who gave you permission to use my sunlamp? i was only toasting some hay. toasting hay? with sliced carrots, it makes a delicious sandwich. stop being such a clown. and look, ed. i don't want you messing up my office. now, you get in your stall and stay there. come on, in your stall.

funny guy. wilbur, you're always picking on me. some day i'm going to run away and join the folies bergere. you mean the foreign legion. you join what you want... both: and i'll join what i want. (ed groans) (mock groaning) ed, all i want out of you is silence. i have a little work to do on these holbrook sketches, very important, you know. -(phone rigning) -ed: i'll get it. wilbur: thank you. hello. oh, yes, carol. yeah, i'll be right in. if the phone rings, will you take the messages, please? ed? ed, i'm waiting for an answer. you called me a pig, and pigs can't talk. what i say still goes.

insults after insults. someday i'm going to have to let that man go. you're late for work. you grab your 10-gallon jug of coffee, and back out of the garage. right into your wife's car. with your wife watching. she forgives you... eventually. your insurance company, not so much. they say you only have their basic policy. don't basic policies cover basic accidents? of course, they say... as long as you pay extra for it. with a liberty mutual base policy, new car replacement comes standard. and for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. learn more by calling at liberty mutual, every policy is personal, with coverage and deductibles, customized just for you. which is why we don't offer any off-the-shelf policies.

you could save up to $509. call liberty mutual for a free quote today at see car insurance in a whole new light.

roger, does that lie detector machine really work? does it? i tried it on kay and found out how much she paid for her new hat. oh, really, kay? that darn thing does everything but beat you with a rubber hose. what's so important? what have you got here, rog? a simplified lie detector. a professor i know at ucla invented it, and he wants us to put some money in it. us? you know when i have a good thing, i always let you in. yeah, we always lose money, and you never let me out. -does it work? -does it? i had to take an hysterical hat back to mayfair's this morning. wilbur, this thing is so simple. you just put this on your arm. when you tell the truth, a bell rings. when you lie, it buzzes. -here, let me try it on you. -now, just a minute, rog. oh, honey, let him. you have nothing to hide from me, have you? me? put it on, rog.

don't miss chapter 3. it's a pip. addison: here we are. we're all ready. partner, you and i are going to make a fortune with this invention. look, rog, i think you better count me out of the deal. you see, i'm a little short of cash right now. (machine buzzes) uh, well...well, i mean i can only spare a couple of hundred. (buzzes) keep lying, wilbur. keep lying. -it's working beautifully. -i am not lying. (buzzes) tell the truth just once. i want to hear it ring. oh, well, i... i love my wife. rog, if you have to beat the truth out of it, forget it. (machine rings) see? i do love you. you'll never know how close you came to sleeping in the barn tonight. this thing is so good, it kind of frightens me. -would you mind taking this off? -all right. oh, no, wait. wait. i want to ask wilbur a few questions. don't do it, doll. i only lost a hat. you can lose a husband. i have nothing to hide from my little wife. -(buzzes) -take it off, rog.

of course i am. (rings) see? did you ever love any other woman? of course not. (buzzes) -just my mother. -(buzzes) -my sister. -(buzzes) -try your horse. -no. take this off, rog. it isn't working right. don't blame the machine, wilbur. -blame your past. -what was her name? who? oh... oh, some girl that i met at college, just a casual acquaintance. (buzzes) -warm friend. -(buzzes) look, i can't even remember her name. -(buzzes) -it was gladys hodges. (rings) wilbur, i wouldn't say another word without a lawyer. did you love her very much, wilbur? -of course not. -(ringing) see? -(phone rings) -that was the telephone. oh. excuse me. (ring) hello? oh, yes, mr. holbrook. well, as a matter of fact i'm, uh... i'm working on your plans right now.

yes, well, i'll bring them over tomorrow. -rog. -hmm? will you please get this thing off me? it's stuck. okay, i've got a pair of pliers in my toolbox. isn't this a fabulous machine, wilbur? and believe me, there's a tremendous market for it. yeah? well, i just think it's a gadget. a gadget? this thing is going to make us a mint of money. -believe me. -i don't know. well, i don't know how much money it will make for them, but it sure could boom business in reno. gladys hodges. i wonder if wilbur married me on the rebound. where are they hiding that crossword puzzle today? uh-oh, i just flooded four rooms in the holbrook house. i'd better try to clean it up. (wilbur whistling) uh-oh, it's wilbur.

(whistling) my... my plans. ed. ed! -(yawning) -hi, buddy-boy. don't you buddy-boy me. i warned you to stay out of my office. -i did, wilbur. -you did, huh? then who spilled the ink all over my plans? uh... wha... it was a cat. a cat. a cat. are you sure it wasn't a horse? i'm sure. as soon as he said meow, he gave himself away. oh, you claim you're not lying, huh? that is my claim, sir. well, we'll soon find out, sir.

now, ed. what are you doing, wilbur? what is this thingamajig? that is a lie detector. a lie detector? yeah. going to find out if you are telling the truth. what are you going to do next, shave my head and slap a helmet on me? no, i'm not going to hurt you, just want to get the truth out of you. but i told you, wilbur. i never spilled the ink over your plans. (machine buzzing) what was that? that buzz means that you told a lie. hm, why don't we try it on the cat? you know very well there was no cat. oh, but there was, wilbur, this great big black cat with long claws... -(machine buzzes) -you shut up. ed, thanks to your disobedience,

wilbur, would you forgive me if i admitted i spilled the ink? i would not. -then it was the cat. -(buzzes) i'm going to punish you, ed. for the next week, you are confined to quarters. you will remain in that stall. do you understand? you mean i've got to stay in for a whole week? that's right. gee. locking me up like some kind of animal. ed, i hate being this strict with you, but you've just got to learn to follow my orders. as long as you're living under my roof, you must realize that my word is law, so you're going to have to stay in your stall for a week. wilbur. why did you have that lie detector on your horse? uh, well, it...it's animal... animal psychology. i... it was a little experiment. to find out if your horse was telling the truth? yeah. no! no. a lie detector on a horse.

your poor wife. all she can do is pray for a miracle drug. ed... -ed... -gee, it's a lovely day, wilbur. how about taking me for a ride in the park? i'll let my top down. not a chance. i meant what i said, ed. you're going to stay in this stall for a week. you'll drive me away from home yet. (sniveling) oh! you and those phony tears. (mister ed groans) that'll hold you in. -wilbur. -i hate to do this to you, ed. believe me, this hurts me more than it does you.

-(knocking on the door) -come in.

what are you doing, sweetie? oh, just looking through some of wilbur's old college yearbooks, just for laughs. oh? when i want laughs, i go through some of addison's old checkbooks. he calls it strolling down memory lane. -gladys hodges. -oh, now, sweetie. don't take that lie detector seriously. i am surprised at you, being jealous over your husband's old girlfriend. you're right, kay. i guess i was being childish, worrying about wilbur's past. i mean, after all, what if she was a beautiful girl? that's all over with now. maybe he thinks of her occasionally. maybe he even writes to her now and then. maybe he phones her once in a while. maybe he sneaks off and takes her to lunch occasionally. i'll kill her. -help me. -yeah. there you go.

-you found her. -bingo. yup, here's where wilbur did his browsing before he bought your store. kay: read what it says about her. "phi beta kappa, captain of debating team, "president of literary honorary society, "winner of socrates award, school of philosophy." i thought so... just a dumb blonde. whoops, sorry. i wonder what they talked about when wilbur took her out on dates. oh, probably nuclear physics, plato's dialogues, the theory of relativity. what do you two talk about? my hairdresser, holes in his socks, bills from the plumber, whether we should have fish or meatballs for dinner. do you think that's an intellectual conversation, kay? only if it's in latin. oh, doll, stop trying to compete with that great brain from wilbur's past. i'm sure wilbur misses those cultural moments he shared with her.

the way you fill that dress is all you need. no, kay. something new is going to be added. gosh, that aristotle sure had a great mind, didn't he? uh-huh. just like plato. he thought of the universe as an ideal world, an interrelated organic system of... eternal, unchangeable forms. wilbur. if you want it, honey, you go buy it. wilbur. hm? oh, i'm sorry. what are you reading, carol? aristotle's metaphysics, rhetoric, and poetics. you ought to read it, honey. no, i'll wait until they make it into a movie. frank sinatra should be great as aristotle.

hm? do you know why they called aristotle's school the peripatetic? look, what am i having here, lunch or a final exam? you just don't want to discuss anything intellectual with me. you don't think i'm on your level. carol, what are you so upset about? all you think i can talk about is whether we have fish or meatballs for dinner or holes in your socks. holes in my socks for dinner? who can understand women? hello, is this j.p. allen the locksmith? good. i've got a stall door that's jammed. would you bring a blowtorch over? forget it. the warden just came in. i heard that, ed, and it's not going to do you any good. you will stay locked in that stall.

if i'm going to wear stripes, i might as well be a zebra. you're acting like a jackass. so, now you're bringing my relatives into this. oh, wilbur, how about a pardon? no, ed. thanks to you i was up all night copying mr. holbrook's plans. now, wilbur, you know i love you like a brother. when you punish me, you're only hurting yourself, and i hate to hurt you, so let me out. sorry, ed. okay, then you'll have to do it the hard way. sunday you'll go horseback riding without a horse. you ever hear of renting a horse, ed? oh, now, that's dirty pool. if your wife was locked up in the house for a week, you wouldn't go out and rent another wife, would you? well, i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. (ed groaning) i've got to deliver mr. holbrook's plans now. wilbur, i'm going to give you one more chance. -what? -unlock the door! goodbye, ed. i hope you're happy with your rented horse. it'll be a change to be with an animal

addison: oh, wilbur. rog. wilbur, i'm returning this lie detector. do you want to ride downtown with me? no, i've got to deliver these plans, rog. did you decide to invest in this electric stool pigeon? no. no, i couldn't make a deal with the inventor. -what did you offer him? -20% of the profits. now, how could a man turn down a proposition like that? maybe he was sober. that was a cruel remark, but just what you'd expect from a man who is mean to his wife. what are you talking about? carol telephoned kay and told her the whole story. your wife was just trying to emulate that blonde encyclopedia you used to date at college, and you made fun of her. gladys hodges. oh, so that explains this aristotle. you know, you and this lie detector started the whole thing. wilbur, you've got a very unhappy wife.

that she was the only woman in your life, that you love only her. okay. (door closes) oh, honey, don't worry about gladys hodges. i didn't want to marry brains. i wanted you. w... what i mean is brains don't make a marriage. honey, when i married you, i knew what i was getting.

-village idiot. -vi... no. no. i love nobody but you. wilbur, admit it. you haven't forgotten gladys. there are still some warm memories. well, if they're warm, it's because you're sitting on them. (laughs) aw, sweetie, look, i never got close enough to gladys -to fog her glasses. -really? sure, who wants a girl like that? she's got spindly legs. does she really have spindly legs? toothpicks. come on, sweetie, i'm going to take you out tonight, white tie. we're going to go dancing, nightclubbing, the works. -okay? -okay. we'll take aristotle with us. we'll have a ball.

(ed's voice) they haven't made the stable that can hold this horse. i hope you're happy with that rented plug. and don't look for me at the union truck terminal. p.s. whatever it cost to fix the door you can take out of my allowance. oh, that crazy horse. honey, i'm all ready. oh, we're going to have a wonderful evening. wait for me, carol. where are you going? uh...uh, i've got to see a truck about a horse. (cows mooing) -ed. -why, wilbur, what a surprise. how did you know i was here?

i'm not letting you run off like this. -(whimpers) -please, wilbur, don't make a scene. maybe i was a little hard on you, ed, but i promise i'll never lock you up again, okay? okay. ed, why are you crying? uh, i got scared.

you do all this research on a perfect car then smash it into a tree. your insurance company raises your rates. maybe you should have done more research on them. for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. just one of the many features that comes standard with our base policy. call for a free quote today. see car insurance in a whole new light.

oh, boy. ah... yeah, real fresh. -good morning, ed. -morning. -ah. -(chuckles) i see you got your own breakfast, huh? yeah. it's great to have my kitchen privileges back again. it's great to have a happy family again, ed. carol and i had a great time last night.

that's america, wilbur... togetherness. what you working on, buddy-boy? mr. holbrook has a little change he wants to make in his house, wants to move the fireplace from there over to here. where? wha... oops. well, back to solitary. o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed honey. look who's here. [laughs] look, honey, i'm awfully sorry about missing that town meeting. but you know happened? ed suddenly disappeared.

i knowhat you're thinking. you're thinking that i'm lying. well, you're wrong. i'm telling the truth, and i--i must say that, after years of marriage, i'm a little disappointed in your doubting me. you, uh, you don't think i was chasing ed, huh? think i was chasing after some dizzy little blonde, huh? oh, boy, that's great. that--that's great. yeah, i come home, calm, apologetic, willing to sit down and discuss this like a reasonable human being, and what do i find? instead i'm in the middle of an argument and i can't even get a word in edgewise. no, no, please, enough of this bickering. i can't take this bickering. i'm gonna put ed away right now, and if you want me to sleep in the barn, that's ok with me. ok. oh, just like a wife. got to get the last word in, huh? yakkity-yak-yak. look, ed, i am tired of playing games. why did you leave the barn today? well, there's a new horse in the neighborhood