i knowhat you're thinking. you're thinking that i'm lying. well, you're wrong. i'm telling the truth, and i--i must say that, after years of marriage, i'm a little disappointed in your doubting me. you, uh, you don't think i was chasing ed, huh? think i was chasing after some dizzy little blonde, huh? oh, boy, that's great. that--that's great. yeah, i come home, calm, apologetic, willing to sit down and discuss this like a reasonable human being, and what do i find? instead i'm in the middle of an argument and i can't even get a word in edgewise. no, no, please, enough of this bickering. i can't take this bickering. i'm gonna put ed away right now, and if you want me to sleep in the barn, that's ok with me. ok. oh, just like a wife. got to get the last word in, huh? yakkity-yak-yak. look, ed, i am tired of playing games. why did you leave the barn today? well, there's a new horse in the neighborhood

well, he's been stealing my fillies, and i went over to kick him around a little. and what happened? nothing. he's bigger than i am. that big, huh? next to him i look like a poodle. well, this, uh, this horse, midnight, is he new in the neighborhood? yeah, he belongs to clint eastwood, that t.v. star who rides bareback. mr. eastwood does not ride bareback. then why do they call his show rawhide? very good, very good. so, uh, midnight has been stealing your fillies, huh? yeah, they go for these tall, dark, handsome horses. blondes seem to be outta style. well, nothing you can do about it, ed. you gotta get clint eastwood to move out of this neighborhood, wilbur, or i'll wind up an old bachelor.

[phone ringing] (ed) don't answer that, wilbur. why not? we've got a party line now, and 2 rings are for the other party. a party-- since when? oh, the phone company called and asked if we'd mind sharing our line for a week, and i said ok. hah, that's mighty big of you, ed. there's a shortage of circuits since the storm, wilbur, and i believe in helping a fellow human being in a time of need. you're also a snooper who loves to listen in on conversations. yeah, that, too. are you sure you didn't arrange this whole thing? oh, no, wilbur, of course not. uh, good night, wilbur. good night, snooper. party line! [wilbur sighs] well, so this is where you are. hi, rog'. look, i'm awfully sorry i missed that town hall meeting tonight. but how did it go? oh, fine, fine. we decided to put on a show

and, uh, guess who's appointed chairman of the entertainment committee. [laughing] it's you, huh? [laughing] you. me? but i wasn't even there. that's why you got the job. no one else volunteered. who suggested me? well... oh, don't tell me. somebody who has it in for me and wants to see me breakin' my back over a thankless job, huh? that's right, your wife. carol? she knows i never handled a job like this. relax, my boy, relax. this is a very important job, so they've appointed a co-chairman to help you round up the entertainment. who's my co-chairman? me. i went out for a glass of water and when i returned, my dear wife had already put the knife in my back. but we'll be able to put on some kind of a show. all you have to do is write the play. play? w-what play? someone in the audience thought it would be a good idea and suggested your name as the writer. oh, rog', i'm an architect, i'm not a writer. what nut suggested me? your wife.

if they were, you'd be on a camel now. oh, hey, wilbur, we'd better have that play by this weekend if we're gonna learn our parts in time. we? oh, rog', we're not actors. [exclaims] uh, dare i ask who suggested us? the charter members of murder incorporated: our wives. i wasn't even at the meeting! oh, you really got me into trouble. i've only got a few days to write a play and--and--and-- and you're gonna help me. w-with what? with the play. well, will you talk to eastwood about getting rid of his horse? of course not. how can i do that? big white-- uh, mr. eastwood's residence. yes, just a moment. a mr. stanley darrow. stanley darrow? some day, big--

hello, mr. darrow? mr. eastwood, the reason i'm calling: we have a big feature coming up soon and i thought you might be interested in the starring role. it's a great script. do you think you could get about 6 weeks off from your t.v. series? oh, 6 weeks, uh... well, i could sure try and manage that, sir. but you couldn't afford me, you cheap old windbag. what did you say? i didn't say anything. well? are you interested, eastwood? why, yes, sir, i'm--i'm, yes, i'm definitely interested, mr. darrow. but if you ever show your ugly puss on the set, i'll quit. who's on the other end of this line? [snickering] what's the matter, mr. eastwood? some smart joker on that party line is giving me a hard time. i'm gonna find out who it is. [phone rings]

hello? darling, what's the matter. oh, hi, baby doll. no, i'm, uh, i'm just having a little bit of a problem here, that's all. well, don't be mad at me. sweetie, i miss you. i miss you, too, sweet talker. what time do you want me to pick you up tonight? listen, little girl, if you're smart, you'll cut this con artist off right now. he's been promising to marry my daughter for over a year. oh, that's awful. look-- [snickering] [laughing] i almost got carried away that time. i'll find out who that guy is and i'll break his back. [dialing] hello, give me the business offices, will you?

i'm sure tennessee williams didn't have to get his own breakfast-- good morning, carol. how's wilbur? wilbur who? i trust you had a good night's rest on the couch? whose side are you on, anyway? yours. i always root for the underdog. and i've never seen a dog who looked more under. i'm going out to get some fresh air. this play isn't coming very fast. how far have you got? the first word of the title. [doorbell rings] yeah? are you wilbur post? that's right. how would you like a punch in the face? the things they're selling door to door these days. you must be making some mistake, fella. i don't know you. look, i'm the guy on your party line. don't tell me you didn't play that practical joke on me. what practical joke? well, uh, come to think of it, his voice was a little deeper than yours. what voice? look, i don't even know who you are.

aren't you clint eastwood? yeah, that's right. whose voice is lower? what practical joke? my wife and i watch you every week on rawhide. oh, we think it's a wonderful show. well, thank you, sir. my name is roger addison. i believe you've met wilbur post. say, could i have your autograph? my wife likes to save those things. sure. ha, you were taking an awful chance there, fella. i don't like practical jokes. and i don't like people coming in my house and pushing me around. please, wilbur, if you want to cry, go outside. post, there's evidently been some mistake. yeah? what would you say if i came over to your house and started to rough you up? uh, well, i'd say that was trick photography. well put, pardner. why don't you take your quick tongue out for a slow walk. mr. post, some guy got on our party line a-and caused me to lose a very big picture job, lied to my girlfriend and i thought it was you. but it evidently wasn't. now will you forgive me? uh, yeah, yeah. did you say that this fellow's voice was lower?

uh, maybe, yeah. it could be some character i know who likes to horse around a lot. excuse me. we can go downtown after lunch. all right, sweetie. clint eastwood! oh. oh, addison, you doll, you got mr. eastwood for our show. well, not exactly, my dear. you see, mr. eastwood is new in the neighborhood and he just dropped by to pay a social call. oh, mr. eastwood, may i present my wife, kay, and, uh, carol post. how do you do, mr. eastwood? oh, we watch you every week on television. oh, yes. i just loved that one last week where that wealthy woman from texas fell in love with you. (kay) oh, yes, she wore such stunning jewels. do you know where she bought them? can you get us some tickets to see your show being filmed? oh, that would be exciting!

ed, somebody got on mr. eastwood's party line and made him lose a big job.

uh, maybe addison? maybe ed? no, i vote for sourpuss addison. uh-huh. well, this has all the earmarks of an inside job. and you had the opportunity, the motive, and the telephone. come on, ed. admit it. this is america, you can't make a horse testify against himself. on account of you, carol isn't speaking to me. i gotta finish writing a play in a couple of days that i can't even start, and just now clint eastwood roughed me up. please, holler but don't hit. you promised me that you'll leave mr. eastwood alone. ok, i promise. good. you don't mean it, you've got your hooves crossed. now say, "i promise." i promise! that's better. gee. let's see now... act one, scene one, page one.

[humming] [gasps] [laughing] oh! [screaming] [sobbing] what's going on in here? what happened? that monster! monster? oh, no, i don't mean... look. you just take it easy, will you? sit down and relax a minute. i'll look around. [knocking on door]

oh, mr. post? oh, mr. eastwood, come in. come in. mr. post, um, i need your help. well, anything i can do to help a neighbor. [laughing] uh, won't you sit down? thanks. now, uh, what seems to be the problem? horses. [door slams] horses, huh? i--i don't have any trouble with horses. i have other problems. oh, have you? hmm. like, uh, trying to write a play. look, uh, uh, clint, if i help you with your problem, will you help me with mine? well, yeah, if i can, but i came here to talk about a horse. having trouble with your horse, huh? who said anything about my horse? you did. i don't remember anything about... [sighs] look here, post. ever since i've moved into this neighborhood, i've been havin' nothin' but trouble.

your horse has scared my housekeeper clean out of her wits. in fact, she's threatened to quit on me. my horse scared her? that's right, your horse. oh, no, no, you must be mistaken. now, mister ed would never do a thing like that. i'm not mistaken. i saw him, i followed him right over here. you know, i think he needs some discipline. i got a little experience with animals, i could work with him a few days a week, help you train him. discipline ed? oh, look, that's very kind of you, but i don't want to impose. no imposition at all. come on, boy. uh, i don't think i would try this today, clint. why not? i can handle him. yeah, well, you see, some days he acts a little different than he does other days, and i have a feeling that... i'll ride him around the neighborhood, work him out a little for you.

well, i told you, he wouldn't learn anything. about this play that we're doing for charity-- oh, he'll learn. you know, uh, horses who act this way are usually pretty smart. in fact, you should have seen midnight at first. he's so well trained now, though, the studio insisted on buying him from me. want to shift him off to europe for a big picture. then you don't have any horse at your place now, huh? no. i'm getting another one tomorrow, though, pretty little filly, 2-year-old. see, he likes you. how about that? [laughing] remember, clint, you promised to help me with my problem, if i helped you with yours. i thought i just did that. oh, you--you mean the little play you're writing? yeah, little is right. the way it's going, it's only gonna have 2 words: "the end." tell me, wilbur, are you a writer?

i'll tell you what, i have a little western sketch at home that i've been saving for a benefit performance. oh, is it written for 4 people? no, 9. but that's all right, it's a western, we can kill all 5 of 'em in the first few seconds. wonderful. uh, what's the story all about? well, you know, a typical western. uh, boy finds horse. boy loses horse. boy meets girl. boy still wants horse. story of my marriage. well, my wife and i are always having little tiffs over my horse. she hasn't spoken to me since last night. you know, wilbur, i think i-- i might have an idea on how you two can patch it up. oh, how? you just leave things to your new director. new director? yeah. well, one thing we specialize in our business, and that's happy endings. oh! "you know, i don't go for any gunplay in my saloon, sheriff, so i'd appreciate if you wait for black bart outside." "oh, i'm so afraid that tex is gonna be gunned down by black bart."

do you really think i look my part? perfect, kay. you know, you've got great legs. well, i didn't win addison with my cooking. [laughing] but, uh, i still think you should be playing the part, carol. oh, no, i can't play wilbur's girlfriend. how can i kiss a man when i'm not speaking to him? well, i've been doing it for 20 years, sweetie. oh, kay, you know you and roger are crazy about each other. yeah, but that's the only thing that's holding our marriage together. [both laughing] well! well. [laughing] gee, you look terrific, kay. oh, well, thank you, wilbur. you--you look very beautiful in that outfit, carol. thank you. well, when do we start, clint?

but we can't have a western without our killer, where's black bart addison? isn't he dressed yet? he was dressed hours ago. when i left him, the killer was in the garden, spraying his apples. addison, we're ready! (addison) coming, kay. i reckon i don't have to tell you my name, sheriff. no. i hear you're the fastest spray gun in town. [laughing] all right, i hope we haven't forgotten everything from our last rehearsal. killer, i think you'd better wait in the kitchen until you hear your cue. cue? cue. oh, yeah. sure. maybe i'll kill a roast beef sandwich while i'm waiting. all right, places, everyone. all right, curtain. [sighing] howdy, miss flossie.

you promised me you wouldn't come in here today. you don't stand a chance against black bart. don't worry, missie ma'am, i can take care of him. hold it. what did we do? something wrong? no, kay, it's just that you're not the type to be playing the sheriff's girl. i'm, uh, thinking of switching parts. you mean you want me to play flossie? carol, why don't you try flossie's lines? but--but--but i--i--i-- kay, you don't mind, do you? of course not, sweetie. carol, come on, you stand over here... i can't. i--i--i can't do it. just stand right over here. no problem. are you ready, sheriff? ready. ok, curtain. howdy, miss flossie. "tex, you promised me you wouldn't come in here today. you don't stand a chance against black bart." no, no, carol. you have to stand closer to him.

don't you worry about me, missie ma'am, i can take care of him. come on, carol, next line. but i love you so much. now you kiss him. (clint) come on, carol, come on, kiss him. go ahead, go ahead, kiss him. if you'll excuse me,

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here's your lunch, sheriff. oh, thanks, flossie. oh, honey, the play went over great. everybody loved it, and you were the hit of the evening.

oh, no, you were. no, i don't want to sleep on that couch again tonight. you were the hit of the evening. well, i got some work to do. [door closes] [door opens] [ed laughing] what are you laughing at? i met clint eastwood's filly last night. i was the hit of the evening. [laughing] -[voiceover] robert young, and jane wyatt, with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin in father knows best.

- [bud] look eddie, i'll make you a package deal. the radio, the tennis racket, the binoculars, the shoes, and the guitar, i'll give you the whole works for fifty bucks. (single guitar note) (audience laughs) - [eddie] needs tuning. - okay, i'll tune it! now, come on, stop stalling around. i'm practically giving you this stuff for fifty dollars. you couldn't go out and buy these things for three times that much. - you sure it's okay with your folks to sell these things? - it's okay, it's my stuff. i even bought some of it with my own money. we got a deal, huh? - don't get grabby, i'll give it to you when i count it. how come you're so anxious for loot? you've been dipping into the till down at the gas station? - no, it's nothing like that. this is a big business proposition.