dennis, does your mother approve of your leaving your toys all over the sidewalk like that? heck no, mr. wilson. well, then why don't you do something about it? 'cause they're not mine. well, who do they belong to, for heaven's sakes? that's eric's and that's tommy's and that's joey's, and that's stewart's, and that's-- oh, never mind. don't you wanna know who they belong to? no. then how come you asked? i should've known better. excuse me for talking with my mouth full, but in a minute, i think you're gonna step on stewart's skate. well, then move it. there. did i save your life or somethin', mr. wilson? dennis, your parents are giving a big open house party tomorrow afternoon. now, if it were i, i'd move those toys so the guests wouldn't fall over them. gee, thanks, mr. wilson. when i come back from the store, i'm gonna help you.

oh, hi, honey. i've just been talking to one of the boys at the office about mr. purdy. he said that he went to a business luncheon for him about two years ago and-- dear, i know how important this is to you, but you mustn't get yourself so upset about it. i'm not. i'm not. honey, when mr. purdy gets here tomorrow, try and make up some conversation about the construction business. tell him how much you like the smell of lumber. and how thrilled i am that he'll be opening a factory here? oh, dear. you know, honey, i'm afraid we should've made this a formal reception instead of an open house. but we didn't have time to send out invitations and get back answers. i know. i know. where's dennis? i sent him to the store to get some things for the party. honey, do you think you should've trusted him with a thing like that?

hi, mister. hello. hey, you got a bee on your umbrella. good for me. we got one like that, only we use it when we go to the beach. good for you. mister, if a swell little kid came by and asked you for one of those flags, would you give it to him? no. if a swell little kid came by and gave you a nickel for one of those flags, would you give it to him? no. if a swell little kid came by with a dime-- no. mister, is it your job to sit there and tell people that you're not selling flags? my job is to sell this house. the flags are to attract attention, and the sign is to let everybody know mister: that the house is open to everybody. now, will you please stop asking me questions? what does the sign say? open house.

oh, sure, sure. i'm just sitting here waiting for the guests to show up. please run along, sonny. okay. goodbye. goodbye. i think you should be very proud that of all the boys at your office, your boss picked you to entertain mr. purdy. he also picked a fine time to go on a vacation. this purdy should be his responsibility, not mine. oh, let's forget about the whole thing until tomorrow. i have a feeling everything is going to turn out fine. well, i mostly just play, except tomorrow i can't on account of we're gonna have a big party so we can show off for a man. dennis, tell your little friend goodbye. it's bedtime. well, if you wanna know how to get here, first you gotta find mr. quigley's store. then you go around the corner, that's our street. and then you go past the man that won't sell you any flags. dennis: then you pass margaret's house.

and pretty soon, you see this real pretty house, that's mr. wilson's. ours is right next door. who you're talking to? you're welcome, mister. who was that, dennis? a man. he wanted to know how to get here tomorrow. after i told him, he said he would ask at the gas station. well, did he say what his name was? sure, mr. pretty. mr. purdy? sure, that's the one. does dad got a headache? yes, he has, dennis, and i'm gonna put it to bed right now. having a big party so we could show off-- [music] for adults with an advanced lung cancer called "squamous non-small cell", previously treated with platinum-based chemotherapy, it's not every day something this big comes along. a chance to live longer

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such an industry in that kitchen. martha and alice are-- oh, i see

oh, least i could do is help alice a little. oh, nothing to be ashamed about, mitchell. when martha gives a party, she wraps me around her little finger. well, here it is. oh, i certainly appreciate you're bringing that over, mr. wilson. well, as you say, if this mr. purdy's interested in coins, it might make a good conversation piece for all of us. where shall i put it? right over here, mr. wilson. this ought to be fine. what is it, dad? you can see for yourself, dennis. boy, what a piggy bank. dennis, these coins are quite old and rare. is it any good for spending, mr. wilson? why, of course. dennis, you wouldn't borrow any without asking, would you? heck no, mr. wilson. dad even has to ask when he takes money

it isn't that i have to ask, dennis. it's just a matter of-- mrs. mitchell: honey, honey, our guest will be here in less than two hours. mr. mitchell: already? come along, george. we better let these folks get dressed. oh. mrs. wilson-- yes, dear? can i feel your muscles? what on earth for? well, mr. wilson said she could wrap him around her little finger. so i bet mrs. wilson's got muscles like a wrestler? get up those stairs and get in the tub, young man. in the bathtub? in the bathtub. and put some water in it. yes, dad. is dennis going to be at the open house? yes. we couldn't get a sitter. oh, we've had lots of long talks with him. oh, i'm sure dennis realizes how important this is to his father and me. of course, he does. sure, he does.

i wonder where they are. can't imagine. thought i heard a car. as long as nobody's comin', you want me to get some of the kids and help eat up all this stuff? they'll be here. it's just that they're a little late. i wonder if they were having trouble finding the place, henry. it isn't that hard to find. maybe everybody's goin' around asking each other how to get here. oh, that's it. i bet nobody can locate the house. [doorbell] mr. mitchell: just a minute, dennis. mrs. mitchell: we'll all get it. now, mind your manners. now-- can dennis come out and play? no, i'm afraid not, dear. okay. oh, my mommy's all ready to come over, but my father won't shave, so they're having a fight. bye. mr. purdy.

i'll bet this is your alice. how do you do, mr. purdy. how are you, mrs. mitchell? and this must be your little boy. that's our dennis. hi, dennis. hi, mr. purdy. hey, that's quite a grip. thank you. my dad gets sore if i shake hands like a fish. bright boy. oh, i beg your pardon. this is mrs. purdy. the mitchells. i'm delighted to meet you, mrs. purdy. won't you come into the living room, please? mr. purdy: my, you have a charming home here. mr. mitchell: thank you. come on in. we've been looking forward to meeting you. i have no idea we'd be the first ones here. especially as we had little trouble finding the place. gee, that's funny. i got a friend that finds it all the time and he's only three. [doorbell] excuse me. oh, mr. wilson. alice-- mrs. wilson. --we found this gentleman outside looking for your house. i don't believe we've met.

oh, of course. how do you do? how do you do? please come in. let me take your hat. thank you. would you show them the living room? oh, right this way, mr. tetley. mom, you want me to stand up front and holler that this is where we live? no, dear. but i do wish people didn't have so much trouble finding the place. yeah. would you put this in the closet, please, dear? sure. this is an excellent collection, henry. mr. wilson brought it over thinking you might enjoy it. oh, is that so? i'd give anything for an 1878 dollar in this kind of condition. yes, that's my pet too. hey, dad, if people could find our house better, would you be glad? oh, i sure would. now, you run along, son. the only trouble is i need some money. who doesn't? mr. purdy and i have often been tod we're missing something by not having children but we manage beautifully with just our two parakeets. we keep them in cages. would you like some punch, mrs. purdy?

mrs. wilson-- yes, dear? if a kid knew how to do something real good for his mom and dad, should he go ahead and do it? well, if it was something good, i'm sure it would be all right. supposing the kid had to have some money, would it be okay to borrow it? from whom, dear? from mr. wilson. of course, dennis. go right ahead. gee, thanks. [laughter]

hey dad! how 'bout this one? what's it rated? t nice try. hey. try this one. and i think your dad will go for it. for more info, there's a rating search app. and you can set parental controls at home alright thanks. i'll check that out. let's see if you can beat your old man at this one. game on. let's do this! [female narrator] check the ratings. because some games are for kids. some aren't. visit esrb dot org. [music] well, you have my card, whenever you're ready, please give me a call, and thank you for dropping in. good-bye. good-bye. dennis: hi, mister. oh, no. listen, kid, i'm too tired to go through another one of your quiz programs. what do you want? i wanna buy that sign.

if i give it to you, will you go home and stay there? sure. take it. i've got more in the car. [music] honey, who's that couple over there? oh, that's janie moore. her husband's name is bob. and who are they? oh, those are the bartons. he works in the office with me. his name is jack. i think her name is ann. i've never met her before. [music] opie, there's another open house. yeah. looks a little like the one over on 23rd street. yeah. you wanna go through it, kitten? well, it don't cost anything to look.

honey, i think the party's going awfully well. most of the people are here. [doorbell] oh, i'll get it. here, you take this. well, come in. i'm alice mitchell. oh, i'm opie swanson. this is olivia. oh, how do you do, opie? i'm so glad you could come. olivia, may i take your sweater? yes, yes, it is a little hot. thank you, dearie. there we are. they'll do anything to sell a house these days. i think it's a cute idea. well, shall we go in and meet the others? oh, that sounds swell, dearie. ladies, i'd like you to meet olivia and opie swanson.

and this is mrs. moore, mrs. purdy, mrs. mitchell: mrs. murphy, and mrs. wilson. how do you do? purdy. wasn't that the name of those people who used to live next door to the andersons in cheboygan? sure. yes. was your husband ever been in the junk business, mrs. purdy? not to my knowledge, mr. swanson. gentlemen, i'd like you to meet olivia and opie swanson. i'd like you to meet mr. wilson, mrs. mitchell: mr. moore, mr. purdy, and mr. tetley. no, i'm tetley, and he's moore. oh, i'm sorry. and, of course, you know henry. hi, henry. you better get lost, kitten. i got a story i wanna tell the fellas. you better get out of here, too, dearie. opie used to be in the navy. [doorbell] i'll get it.

[music] dennis: here's the open house, folks. everybody's welcome. come on in, everybody. here is the open house. everybody's welcome. you wanna watch this cheap hardware, young woman. cheap hardware? well, there isn't a lock in the whole house that's worth more than 40 cents. wall's faded.

oh, thank you, margaret. here. alice, who are all those people out there? i don't know, henry, and i've given up trying to remember names. i know you and i didn't invite that many. all i can say is mr. purdy has some awfully strange friends. it's all kinds in the construction business. dad, what are termites? termites? why? a man is up in our attic and says we got 'em. up in our attic? we're out of punch again, alice. oh, dear. oh, no, i'll make it. you go out there and take care of the customers. boy, people are sure finding our house real good, huh, mom? now, dennis, your mother is busy. run along, alice. you, too, henry. go on. wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. you stay here. help your aunt olivia wash the punch cups. huh? no nonsense. pick it up, darling. that's the boy. follow me now. that's it.

[doorbell] henry, you better take these sandwiches over to mr. purdy. i don't think he's had a thing to eat all day. mr. purdy, would you like a sandwich? tough luck, dan. i'll go get some more. i must say that mitchell certainly has some weird friends. it takes all kinds. what's this thing? well, this thing happens to be one of the finest coin collections in the state. what are they asking? it's not for sale. what do you mean it's not for sale? of course, it's for sale.

you're darn right, sonny. you own it? i do. well, i'll give you 18 for it. eighteen? why it's worth 50 times that much. no, let's not be silly. eighteen. that's what i'll price. you're right, sir. let's not be silly. well, eighteen five then. termites and all. termites? why, this is the finest teak wood. do you know you have termites in your attic? i beg pardon? i'm afraid i don't know you quite that well, sir. easy. why, this coin alone is worth-- it's gone. what's gone? that dollar you said you'd give anything in the world to get. surely you're not accusing me? of course not, i'm simply identifying the coin that's missing. everything all right, men? oh, yes, of course. i wanna tell you something, mister. i wouldn't have this place if it were the taj mahal.

boy, aunt olivia sure is a nice lady. she's got five cats at home and she's gonna give me three of 'em. dennis, you can't-- ain't that a hot one, honey? honey, you're gonna have to get olivia away from mrs. purdy. she can't stand the sight of her. i don't even know whose friend olivia is. after all, honey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. my good woman, my husband has never been in the junk business in cheboygan or anywhere else. well, maybe it's before you met him. it was not before i met him. then when was it? oh, you mind your own stupid business. ladies, please. oh, i did not accuse you, mr. purdy. i simply said-- you simply said i had my eye on your miserable dollar. that's what you simply said, wilson. no wonder you're a success in business. you're as stubborn as a mule. hey, fellows, i got an idea to solve the whole problem. what?

oh. i've had enough of this. you know what i ought to do, sister? i oughta belt you one. you sure got the build for it, dearie. come, katherine. now, just a minute, malcolm. i'm just getting warmed up. we're leaving now. you and your old man hurry back. leaving, mr. purdy? mitchell, i wanna tell you something. i've never in all my born days met such a conglomeration of-- goons as you invited here today here. if it's a practical joke, i hope you enjoy your little laugh. if it's stupidity, i feel sorry for your boss. and if it's-- if it's-- now, i wanna say something. not in front of the child, katherine. mr. purdy, please. mrs. mitchell: --mr. purdy. mr. purdy, please, just listen to me for a moment. we really don't know where most of these people came from. i do. the zoo. really, alice and i-- henry. henry, look. well? aren't you selling your house?

somebody must have-- dennis. a man gave me this sign so people could find our house better, and he didn't charge me anything. so i didn't even have to borrow the dollar. that's the dollar that wilson-- you mean most of those people came in to buy the house? oh, for heaven's sake. that's where they came from. mr. purdy: open house. well, it turned out all right after all. when we get this mess cleaned up, i'm going to sleep for a week.

dennis: right this way, mister. crazy party, man. dennis, who was that? he fell asleep on my bed during the party. good night, mom. good night, dad. [music] [music] [music] dennis, your duck's in my garden again.

i want that duck kept out of here. how many times must i tell you that? jeepers, i guess he just likes it over here. i'll say he likes it. according to that duck, my yard's a cafeteria. look at him, he's eating all my seedlings. i'll get him, mr. wilson. dennis: come here, george. hey, why don't me and you train him to eat weeds? why don't we do that, huh? no, i don't like that duck and i don't want him around here. does it still hurt you where he bit you this morning? yes, it does. why don't you try sittin' on a pillow? after i talk to your father, young man, you're the one that's going to need the pillow. [music] you gotta stop biting people, george. mr. wilson was plenty mad.

shh, mom might hear you and i got to sneak you upstairs again. [music] mrs. mitchell: is that you, dennis? yes, mom. dennis, what have i told you about your roller skates? you told me not skate in the street. well, that, too, but i also told you not to leave them in the middle of the back porch. oh. now, you go right out there and put them away. you mean the next time i go out that way. i mean right now. aren't you coming with me?

do i hear something boiling over in the kitchen? oh my goodness. [music] i'm home. oh, hi, son. how's my boy? uh. jeepers, you're home early. i bet you wanna tell mom about your game. she's in the kitchen. dennis, there was nothing boiling-- oh, hi, dear. hi there, honey. how was your game? miserable. it was so hot we can only play nine holes. you know what i found out? it's a lot cooler in the basement. why don't you and mom go down there and cool off for a while? no, thanks. i'll go in and relax on the sofa. mrs. mitchell: dennis, what did i tell you about your skates? but mom. right now.

are you gonna run that old vacuum while dad's trying to get some peace and quiet around here? that's all right, honey. no, dennis is right. i just wasn't thinking. come on, dennis. mr. mitchell: thank you, honey. gosh, poor old mom. i bet her back hurts from carrying all that heavy stuff, doing the wash and ironing, and scrubbing the floor, and all that stuff. oh, honey, let me carry that for you. oh, thank you, dear. [music] [quacks]

mr. wilson: mitchell, i've been waiting for you to get home. what on earth? come on in, mr. wilson. ooh. oh. mrs. mitchell: oh my goodness. mr. mitchell: are you all right, mr. wilson? i ought to sue you. i really ought to sue you, mitchell. now, mr. wilson. but i won't, you know why? 'cause i'm sorry for you, you have to live with him. oh, mr. wilson. we're so terribly sorry. what kind of a place is this to leave roller skates? why don't you had him put them away? i have told him and told him to put them away. come on in, mr. wilson. hi, folks. i'm matt mccoy. for people as experienced as you and me... [ tires screech ] ...careful driving just comes naturally. all that experience should be worth something. and it is... with the aarp auto insurance program from the hartford. switching saved me hundreds. in fact, four out of five aarp members age 50 and over who switched to the hartford

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it's very, very comforting. [ female announcer ] save $420 on average and get new car replacement and lifetime renewability. when we needed insurance, they were there to give us the right coverage. and when we needed to use the insurance, they were there to take care of us in a beautiful way. [ female announcer ] call the hartford at... to request your free quote. that's... or go to gethartfordauto.com today. get this free calculator just for requesting a quote. oh, for heaven's sake. oh, look at this. oh, martha gave that to me on our last wedding anniversary, it was the coolest pipe i ever owned. i'm sorry about that, mr. wilson. i'd like to pay for a new one. oh sure, and that's easy to say than i'd have to break it in. i don't know what else i can do. well, you can do one thing.

duck? what duck? dennis' duck. i think you better sit down, mr. wilson. oh, thank you. well, what are you gonna do about the duck? frankly, mr. wilson, we don't know what you're talking about. i'm talking about dennis' duck, the one he's been carrying around the neighborhood for the last three or four days. i think you must be mistaken, mr. wilson. well, i certainly haven't seen it. you haven't seen it? he carries it around in a carton. why, i've seen him carry the carton into this house. i assure you, mr. wilson, if dennis has been keeping a duck, we'd know about it. boy, there is sure a lot of noise. oops. i'm gonna go pick up my room. dennis, get back here. mom asked me to do it, dad, and i just haven't gotten around to it. you also haven't gotten around to picking up your roller skates

gee, i'm sorry you fell over my skates, mr. wilson. dennis, do you know anything about a duck? uhm, do you mean do they lay eggs? i mean, do you have one? a duck? yeah. what color? anything. just white. what color of feet? yellow. dennis, stop it. if you have a duck, i want you to say so. okay, i guess i have one. a-ha, you see. where in the world did you get a duck? from charlie spencer. he moved to new york and he had this swell duck left over from last easter so he gave it to me. dennis, you should've asked permission to keep it. i started to. don't you remember? dennis: you were in the living room reading the paper and i said, "dad, do you like ducks?" and you said, "they're delicious." is that why you kept it a secret?

son, you know we wouldn't eat a pet duck. well, i woul. jeepers, i want you to like him, mr. wilson. you know what i named him? george, after you. i don't want it named after me. but, you're my best friend, mr. wilson. i don't want to be your best friend. don't you like me, mr. wilson? oh, sure, dennis. you're a nice kid. i mean, you're not malicious, i don't think, it's just that you're such a jinx. every time you show up, there's chaos, and i'm not a young man, dennis, and i can't stand it. i've been saving a feather for you. huh? it's to put in your hat. well, now. well, thank you, dennis. you're a nice little boy,

we'll see that he does, mr. wilson. yeah. [music] well, there we are, dennis. i'm sure george will be a lot happier here than he was up in your closet. he sure is, boy. good old george thinks this is swell, don't you, george? [quacks] dennis, there's just one thing i wanna be sure you understand. that duck must not leave our property so be very careful and keep this gate closed. okay, dad. i'll be real careful with him. especially be careful that he doesn't bother mr. wilson. you know how upset he got. yeah, he sure fell down, didn't he? i don't mean that, i meant about the duck. oh, by the way, what have you been doing about food for george? i've been giving him snails. what? old charlie spencer says that's their favorite recipe,

i got a whole box of them over by the fence. you'd better go get some. i think it's about george's lunchtime. okay. [music] jeepers, dad, the box was tipped over and all of 'em ran away. every one of them. i guess you'll just have to go out and collect some more. you wanna help me? sorry, son. i still have my newspaper to read. okay. thanks for building the fence. that's all right. you heard him, george? okay, i'll get you some food just as fast as i can. [music] martha, there's the most astonishing thing in our backyard. i went out to feed the goldfish

what's so astonishing about that? you've been finding them in the yard for years. oh, martha, i love you for your womanly qualities, but you haven't a scientific mind. when do i find them? why, in the evening when they come out and eat your plants. precisely, my dear. and in our backyard, i have discovered a new specie that comes out in the hot sun. and furthermore, they travel in herds. oh, george, really. i intend to write a scientific paper to read before the garden club. well, how can you write a scientific paper when you haven't the evidence? but, martha, my dear, i have the evidence. in our backyard, there are hundreds of snails and they are traveling in a herd. nonsense. well, at this very moment, they're over by the fence grazing. oh. well, i've got to hurry. mrs. wilson: where are you going? oh, i'm going to collect my light meter tripod, portrait camera, film, and filters,

[quacks]

i wanna be sure these pictures turn out, so i'm using a very expensive film. it's a ultra fine grain, super panchromatic quadruple x high speed. high speed? for a snail? oh, it's technical, martha. you wouldn't understand. why, this film is so sensitive you can practically take pictures in the dark. to load my camera, i have to go in the closet. i tell you, the slightest ray of light could ruin it. [doorbell ringing] hi, mrs. wilson. is mr. wilson home? yes, dennis, come in. thank you. he's in the closet. he is?

mr. wilson: oh no. he isn't hiding, dennis. are you looking for your overcoat, mr. wilson? mr. wilson: no. your bowling ball? mr. wilson: no, i'm not looking for anything. are you sulking? mr. wilson: great scott. i'm loading my camera in the dark. oh, is this better? [screaming] he did it again. it happened so fast, i couldn't stop it. what's this, mr. wilson? that was a $3.80 roll of film. you got cheated. none of your pictures came out. dennis, what do you want? mr. wilson, is it okay if i go out in your yard and hunt for-- absolutely not. you're not even to set foot in my yard. okay. martha, will you hurry? come on.

i don't see why you really need me. because i wanna get the focus perfect. you can hold one end of the tape measure. i--martha, the duck. he's eating the snails. [quacks] shoo. go on. get out of here. go on. get out of here. get out of here. go on. shoo. and so the duck has just got to go. but, mr. wilson-- now, let me just run over what that duck has done. he dug holes in my lawn, he bit me, he ate most of goldfish, mr. wilson: he's made a nervous wreck out of my dog, and he robbed me of the presidency of the garden club. what? i was going to write a paper on a scientific curiosity which would have given me great standing as a gardener and naturalist. before i could do it, the blasted duck ate the evidence. well, i'm sorry about that, mr. wilson. honey, i guess we'll just have to get rid of it.

mrs. mitchell: i'm sure dennis will keep it locked up. now, mrs. mitchell, maybe i didn't make quite clear the extent of the damage. now, those goldfish were very valuable. i bred them myself and raised them from the eggs. i've only a couple left and i don't want to lose those. [music] all i ask is that dennis understand why it's necessary. tell him the duck's vicious. i cacat do that. i'll just explain that the duck will be happier at the lake in the park. there'll be other ducks around. of course it will be happier and so will i. well, the park is only three blocks away. dennis could go to see it. hi. hello, son. we wanna talk to you. well, go ahead.

you tell him, mr. wilson. well, he's your son. well, all right. excuse me. boy, there goes the best mom in the whole world, huh, dad? that's right, son, but i-- and i know why she's the best mom in the whole world 'cause she's a mom. all right, son, but i wanna-- moms, do you think they're swell too? moms-- yes, dennis. i wanna talk to you about the duck. oh, you mean george? i think he's gonna be a mother. he's out there with a whole nest full of eggs. great scott. what? [music] see, there they are. huh? well, i don't know. they look awfully small for duck eggs. mr. wilson, look how many he-- i mean, she lays.

i don't see how we can move her to the park. if that duck is gonna hatch these eggs, these are gonna get frostbitten. why, they're ice cold. they are? i wonder how george happened to lay ice cold eggs. you got these eggs out of the refrigerator, didn't you, dennis? okay, yes. all right. take them back, right away. i'll get the carton. it's on the porch. but if you give george away, you can just give me away too.

that man. well, martha, the trap's all set. oh, george, that trap is ridiculous and you know it. it is not. it's diabolically clever. i baited it with some of those seedlings that duck relishes. how are you gonna pull the string from in here? ah, that's the cleverest part. you see, i hung a cluster of those seedlings from a string. now, when the duck pulls on that, that trips the stick, down comes the box, and i hear the bell. what are you gonna do with him if you catch him? well, when i catch him, i'll take him to the lake. [bell ringing] oh, when will you learn to have confidence in me, martha? i've already captured him. i--say, how would you like to take a little drive over to the lake with me? no, thank you. i don't approve of this at all. oh. hi, i'm leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind

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[music] why, who said ducks don't snarl? freemont, what are you doing in there? [music] for heaven sakes, george, you're a mess. oh, i've been up in the attic, martha. in your good slacks? well, this was an emergency. i went up there to find this. what is it? this is my old duck call. hunters use them to lure ducks. in my day, i was known as the best duck caller in the state. an old indian guide taught me. and what are you gonna do with it? ah, i'm going to lure dennis' duck out of his yard

it's a cinch that mitchell won't settle this thing, i'm going to solve it once and for all. well, that's a silly way to do it. oh, you'll see, my dear, ducks always found my technique irresistible. [makes duck noise] if you're going to make that silly noise, go outside with it. and have dennis see me? oh, no. i'm going to wait till the duck comes into our yard, and then i'll go out, and lure him down the sidewalk, and into the lake. [makes duck noise] this is the most ridiculous thing you've done yet. [makes duck noise] dennis, that duck of yours is making an awful lot of noise. that's not george.

my duck got all excited and tried to get out of the garage. so i locked the garage door. [quacks] [makes duck noise] will you stop it now? the duck isn't coming. it'll come. you'll see. i'll just blow it a little louder. [makes duck noise] [quacks] oh. oh.

george, don't just stand there. catch them and take them outside, oh. [quacks]

starring barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont, tony dow, and jerry mathers

(sighs) - [june] oh! are you home? - yep, i think so. - what are you doing? - i'm gonna need a new bulb in here. - no you don't, dear. sorry, i was vacuuming in here today. now what's wrong with it? - well it must have broken the bulb when i was shaking it. - what'd you shake it for? - well... nevermind, dear.

- oh, would you make a little fuss over wally at supper? - what's up? - well, he's been elected to a club called the crusaders at high school, and they only took in ten sophomores, so it's quite an honor. - what kind of a club's this? - letterman's club. school sponsors it, and they put on plays and things. - well, fine! i'll um, i'll make the same kind of fuss i made when he brought his grade up in spanish. it's sort of a b plus type fuss. (audience laughs) - i married a genius. - yeah, i know! well, wally, i understand you made the crusaders at school. that's quite an honor. - well yeah, dad. crusaders is a real neat club. - who else in your class was invited to join? - well, from my homeroom, eddie haskell was the only other guy. - i didn't know eddie had made his letter? - well, he was assistant manager of the basketball team. they had to give him a letter cause in the middle of the season the real manager got the mumps. (audience laughs)

but somehow that sounds like eddie. what activities do the crusaders plan, wally? - well in a couple of weeks, we're gonna put on the crusader follies. it's kind of a satire. the guys do it every year. - what part do you think you'll have, wally? - well i don't know. i just got into the crusaders, so they'll probably just give me a standin' around part. - now wally, i don't think a fella should always be running himself down. - wally, i'll bet you'll just have a wonderful part. - well i don't know if i'll have a wonderful part or not, cause duke hathaway, he's the head of the thing, i asked him today and he said we get our parts and costumes tomorrow and i was a sophomore so i should shut up. (audience laughs) - you know, mom? i'd hate to be a cow and get grinded up like this. - now beaver. - even if i was dead it would still hurt. - wait beaver, this is our supper. - yes, mom. - hi wally! - hi wally! - hi mom. - we're grinding up a cow for supper. - yeah, sure. - well wally, what do you have there?

- wally, you have a big box under your arm, what is it? - it's nothing, mom. - well, i never heard of a boy bringing home a box full of nothing, did you, beaver? - not unless he was a creep. (audience laughs) - wally, that must be your costume for the play, isn't it? - well, sort of. - don't you want to show it to us? - no thank you, mom. - well now why would wally be acting like that? - i don't know, mom. i guess cause he's a teenager. (audience laughs) hey wally? whatcha doin'? thinkin' about girls again? - no, i'm not thinkin' about girls. - hey, how about lettin' me see the costume you brought home for the play? - look, i'm not lettin' ya see it. i don't want you getting your grubby hands on it. - my hands aren't grubby, i just washed 'em.

(audience laughs) - i'm not hiding, i'm just trying to get a few business letters written. - dear, i know you have problems of your own, but do you realize you have two children? - there are rumors to that effect. - wally's acting strange. - well sure, he's a teenager. - i got that much out of the beaver. (audience laughs) - well uh, what do you mean, he's acting strange? - well, i know he got his part in the play, but he won't talk about it. and i'm just sure that something's bothering him. - well june, what do you want me to do? - well you're his father, can't you go up and get it out of him in a roundabout way? - all right. but um, why do i always have to be the sneaky one? - dear, you're not being sneaky, you're just being a father. - oh. well fellas, how are we feeling? - well i'm ok but wally's being a creep. - [wally] i am not. - oh! well wally, i understand you've got your part

- yes, sir. - well, is it a good role? - i don't know. i've never been in a play before. - oh. well of course if you don't wanna talk about it, why uh, i'll just drop the subject. (chuckles weakly) - that'll be ok with me, dad. (audience laughs) - yeah well uh, supper'll be ready in a little while, fellas. - hey wally, if somethin's bothering you, why don't you tell me about it? maybe i could help ya. - why does everybody have to pick on me? - did you find out what was bothering wally? - uh-uh. i must be losing my touch. - [gilbert] you sure you left your baseball in here, beaver? - sure, gilbert. wally and i were playing catch with it last night. take a look under the bed. - [gilbert] hey beaver, what's this big box?

for a play. only he's been hidin' it on me. - let's open it and see what it is. - nah, i don't think we should. - aw come on. it must be somethin' good if he's hidin' it. - it's just an old cowboy suit or somethin'. (audience laughs) - funniest lookin' cowboy suit i ever saw! - look, gilbert! it's a dress with a skirt and everything! - hey, look at these shoes! (audience laughs) - well, i've seen these kinda dresses on television. ladies that dance in saloons wear 'em. - you don't think your brother's gonna dance in a saloon? - i don't know! hey gilbert, look at these crazy shoes!

(audience laughs) (laughing) - [wally] put that down, ya little sneaks! - hello, wally. - hi wally. - boy, what a little sneak! i thought i told ya to keep your grubby hands off my stuff! - well gee wally, i did mean to find it, it was just an accident! - boy, what a couple of little rats. i oughta clop you one. - beaver, i think i better go home for dinner now. (audience laughs) - look beaver, i'm telling ya. if you say anything to anybody about this, i'm gonna fix ya good. - oh hello there, gilbert! - hello, mr. cleaver. - wait, been upstairs playing with beaver? - yeah but i've gotta go home now on account of he and wally are fightin'. goodbye, mr. cleaver. - [june] oh, where are you going? - uh beaver and wally are fighting. - [wally] leave it in the box, ya little creep! let me have that! - stop pushing me around! (rips) now look what ya did!

- here wait a minute, boys. what's the matter? - i'm gonna clop him, dad! he ripped my dress! - now wait a minute. - what's going on here? - beaver ripped wally's dress. - well it's just his crummy costume for the play! - wally! why is your costume a dress? - cause he's gonna be a girl! (audience laughs) - a girl? - yeah, the crusaders are all guys and they gotta play all the parts, and well somebody's gotta play the dance hall girl and they gave it to me and i'm not gonna do it! - what are the other fellas gonna think of you if you don't get into the spirit of the thing? it's all part of being a member of the crusaders. - i don't care. i don't wanna do it. - oh come on, wally. you slip it on after supper and i'll see if i can't sew it up. - well, maybe. - that's a boy! now then you two, no more fighting. - yes, sir. - here you are, wally. you two get ready for dinner. - now what are ya doin'? - i just wanna see

(audience laughs) - cut it out, will ya? (crickets chirping) - hey dad, can i come in now? - [ward] no, beaver! you stay out of here! - [wally] yeah, you keep outta here! - heck, i always gotta miss all the good stuff. - well it doesn't look so bad. - come on wally, take a few steps. i wanna see how it hangs in the back. (audience laughs) (saloon music) (audience laughs) - no sir! nothin' doin'! - oh now, wally! - uh-uh! i'll quit the crusaders! i'll quit the school! i'll quit the whole town if i have to! - listen-- - oh wally!

- you know, i'd sure hate to see wally pull out of the crusaders before he even gets started. - so would i. but i think i understand the way he feels about playing the dance hall girl. - well it's all in the spirit of fun. (laughs) gee, when i was in college, i did a sketch where i put on a grass skirt and played a hula girl.

wally just happens to be a little more like my side of the family. more sensitive. - well dear, what do you think the cleavers are? hard headed neanderthals? - no but, well something like this can be very embarrassing. when i was in school, i had to play the part of george washington. i felt so self conscious in those trousers and silk stockings and wig. (ward laughing) - you know something? i just can't picture you at valley forge. - it wasn't funny to me! they even sent for my mother and i still wouldn't do it. - well, wally just can't go through his whole life being sensitive. - why not? you want him to be somebody he isn't? - oh of course not, but i, i-- well dear i guess it does all boil down to the fact that some fellas can go along with a joke like this and others can't. but i just don't wanna see wally be a quitter. i think i'll go up and talk to him after a little. maybe he could switch parts with someone else. - this is the way it is, duke.

but my studies come first and i shall not be able to accept the part. nah, that's no good. look duke, let me level with ya. this playin' a girl is for the birds! (audience laughs) hey what're you snooping at? - i'm just watching you be a quitter. - don't rub it in, huh beav? - i'm not. if i had to play a girl, i'd get sick to my stomach. (audience laughs) - yeah. if i have to get up on that stage, that just might be what i'll do. (audience laughs) (knock on door) - well if you make him do it, dad, he's gonna get sick right up on the stage. (audience laughs) - well, i'm not gonna make you do it, wally, but i think there's a way you can still stay in the club. - but gee, dad, if i turn down the part, the duke'll throw me out of the crusaders. - not if you switch parts with someone else. - but i don't know anybody goofy enough that would play a girl. - well uh, maybe you don't have to ask someone directly.

that someone'll be begging you for it. - how can you make playin' a girl look good? - wally, did you ever hear the story about the fox and the bear and the quicksand? - is that like a cartoon on television, dad? - no, it's an old fable, beaver. - oh. i think i'll go downstairs and have mom help me with my spelling. - you could stick around, this is a pretty good story. - what is it, dad? - well, one day this fox fell into a pit of quicksand and no matter how hard he tried to get out, he just kept sinking deeper and deeper. well finally a bear came along and the big ole bear said, "what are you doin' down there?" and the smart fox said, "i'm takin' a little swim." - gee dad, that's neat! you talk just like a bear and a fox. - thank you, beaver. anyway, the fox kept telling the bear you know, how fine the water was and what a wonderful swim he was having, 'til the bear finally got so excited,

and the fox jumped on his shoulders and got out. - well gee dad, that's just like a kid's story. (slaps) - look, wally. don't you see? right now, you're the fox in the quicksand. what you have to do is find yourself a bear. - yeah, sure dad. (audience laughs) - it uh, it just might work, son. (door shuts) - hey wally, what happened to the bear? did he wait around for an elephant to come along and talk him into goin' swimmin'? - nah, i don't think elephants mess around much with bears. - have you told wally about switching parts? - yeah uh, i think he's agreeable. i told him the story about the fox and the bear. (laughs) - dear, why don't you tell me stories anymore? when we were first married you always told me stories. - well dear, somewhere along the line i got the feeling you weren't listening anymore. - this is the captain, blow both tanks,

zoom! - hey beaver, what are you doin'? - oh hi, wally. i was pretending i'm the captain of an atomic submarine, and the squadron's in the north pole. - boy what a dumb thing to be doin'. - well it's better than goin' in the house and gettin' yelled at. - why would you get yelled at? - you know how it is. hey, did you get out of bein' a girl in that play? - nah. i kinda hinted around to lump and tooey, but they wouldn't go for it. - yeah. i guess you gotta be a pretty smart fox to make that stuff work. - yeah. you gotta find yourself a pretty dumb bear, too. - hey, maybe the crusaders can take in a real girl to play the part of the saloon lady. - well heck, beaver, you can't take girls in a club with boys. they got a rule against havin' that much fun. (audience laughs) - [eddie] (singing) please come home, your lovin' daddy's all alone. - hi, eddie. - [eddie] well, if it isn't the queen of the dance hall girls. (laughs) - what are you laughin' at, eddie?

the stage in that dress. - gee, duke hathaway tells me that's just about the biggest part in the whole play. - you mean you got a lot of lines? - oh i don't know, eight or nine pages. mary ellen rogers said she might come over and coach me. she said she might come over a couple of nights a week. - mary ellen rogers, huh? - yeah. (audience laughs) - well how many lines do you have in the play, eddie? - well i say, "here comes the sheriff!" later on i say, "somebody stole our horses!" - gee you know your part already, eddie. you're not gonna need any coaching from girls or anything! - [wally] well i guess i like your two lines as much as if you had a real part. (audience laughs) uh hey beaver, you wanna throw the football around after supper? - yeah, i'd like to throw the football around after supper. - ok, then we'll throw the football around after supper. - uh hey wally? - [wally] yeah? - do you not really mind bein' a girl in the play? - well gee, a guy's gotta get in the spirit and horse around with the other fellas,

- hey wally, all the guys from my class are comin'. will you give 'em your autograph? - well sure. why should i be stuck up? (audience laughs) - hey wally, tell me somethin'. how come the duke gave you such a good part? - well i guess the duke wanted to give it to a swinger. - the duke thinks you're a swinger? - well he gave me the part, didn't he? hey beav, do you want to throw the football around now? - yeah, i'd like to throw a football around now. - ok. will you excuse us, eddie? we're gonna throw the football around now. - yeah, sure. - well uh, i'll see you later, eddie. - yeah, see you guys. - hey beav? ya think he fell for it? - i don't know. eddie always looks so sneaky, you can't really tell what he's thinkin' about. hey you wanna throw the football around now? - heck no. (audience laughs)

- yeah, yes well i don't think so, but thank you very much for calling. goodbye. - who was that on the phone? - that was a mr. o' rourke. he says for 7.50 a month he'll guarantee us a bug-free home. - well that doesn't sound very flattering, implying we have bugs. - well you have to look at it this way, dear, our bugs are his bread and butter. (audience laughs) - wally seemed a little happier this evening. - well maybe he's finally getting used to the idea of playing a dance hall girl. - well you got used to playing a hula girl, didn't you? - dear, i wish you'd forget about that. - i will if you'll forget about my playing george washington. - that's a deal. (doorbell rings) here, i'll get it. - good evening, mr. cleaver, i'm harold hathaway, i wonder if i can see wally? - oh uh, well i think he's doing his homework. - yeah well, just tell him the duke is here. (audience laughs)

wally! wally! - [wally] yeah, dad? - the uh, the duke is here! - [wally] be right there, dad. - well uh, duke, is mayfield going to have another good basketball team next year? - oh i don't think so, mr. cleaver, i'm graduating. (audience laughs) hello, cleaver. - oh hi, duke. - i wonder if i might speak to you alone? - oh well why don't you fellas use the den? - why thank you, mr. cleaver. - was that duke hathaway? - uh-huh. - wish i'd gone to the door. i've never met a swinger. - you can catch him on the way out. - why'd they close the door? - because they didn't want us to hear. - why didn't they want us to hear? - because we're parents. - well that's big of you to see it that way, cleaver.

good evening mr. cleaver, mrs. cleaver. - good evening. - nice of you to let me intrude like this. - oh it's all right. - well uh, goodnight, duke. - goodnight old boy. (door closing) - my, he is a swinger, isn't he? - gee thanks a lot, dad. - hey come back here! what happened? - yes, what did you and the duke talk about? - oh. well uh, eddie haskell went over to see the duke this afternoon and uh, he whined around so duke came over to ask me if i'd do the crusaders a big favor by letting eddie play the dance hall girl. - you mean you're not going to be in the play? - oh no, i got another part. - well that's fine. say uh, if you like, we'll help you with the lines. - oh no that's'sk, i already know 'em. i only have two lines. all i say is, "here comes the sheriff!" and then later on i say, "somebody stole our horses!"

- well wally, i thought that was a very enjoyable evening. - yes, it was just fine. you crusaders should be very proud of yourselves. - yeah well, thanks a lot mom. - hey wally, that was real funny when you said, "somebody stole our horses" when you were supposed to say, "here comes the sheriff!" - yeah, nobody knew it was supposed to be the other way around. - how about a snack? - yeah, all that laughing made my stomach empty. (audience laughs) - come on. oh i thought eddie haskell was just wonderful playing that dance hall girl. - he's certainly got a lot of out of the part, didn't he? - oh! - what's the matter, wally?

eddie doing that dance hall girl so well and everybody applauding and the girls makin' a big fuss over him, maybe i should've kept that part. - well wally, i wouldn't want to see you go overboard on it, but i don't think it would hurt if you were a little bit like eddie. - yes and it certainly wouldn't hurt eddie if he was a little bit like wally. - very true. - come on, beaver. what are you gonna have? - i'll have some ground up cow! (audience laughs)

starring barbara billingsley, hugh beaumont, ("the toy parade" instrumental by dave kahn, melvyn leonard and mort green) tony dow, and jerry mathers as the beaver.

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- no more pencils. no more books. no more tea-- (laughter) hello, miss landers. - well richard, you seem quite happy that friday's the last day of school. - well, you know how it is, miss landers. - i think i do, i was in the fourth grade once. - no fooling, miss landers? - that's right. - gee, it's kinda hard to figure you getting yelled at by a teacher. - well, i had my share of scolding. - miss landers, should i throw this away? - that can't be yours, beaver, where did it come from? - i don't know, it was in my locker when i got it last fall. (laughter) - i think it would be safe to throw it away.

- [boys] yes, miss landers. (paper rustling) - look, kathleen. the pigs are cleaning out their pigpen. (laughter) - hey judy, is that your own face or you're breaking it in for a witch? - that's not so funny. - not as funny as your face. (laughter) - beaver. (scowls) - why beaver, are you sticking your tongue out at judy? - no, miss landers, i was just giving it some air. - all right, everyone in the classroom, come on. - boy, i can't wait till friday to see the last of that creepy judy.

- hey beaver, what do you suppose this is? - smells like it used to be a peach. (laughter) - smells like it used to be a peach a heck of a long time ago. (laughter) - hey mom, tomorrow's the last day of school and-- hey dad, how come you're eating standing up? - because i'm in a hurry, beav. - i guess the food goes down faster that way, huh dad? - yeah, i guess so. - [mom] what did you want for school, beaver? - well, you see mom, tomorrow's the last day of school and we're gonna have a little party, and we're all bringing presents for miss landers. only thing is shouldn't cost too much so it won't look like we're giving the teacher payola. (laughter) - i think your mother could find something that'll avoid the suggestion of bribery. - say mom, could-- - hey dad, how come you're eating standing up?

- this way, the food goes down faster. - he got that one from me. (laughter) - [dad] well, bye dear. - [mom] bye. - [boys] bye, dad. - just think, beaver, tomorrow is the last day of school. - boy, that's a gyp, we gotta stick around a whole extra week and watch the crummy seniors graduate. don't worry, wally, one of these days you'll be a crummy senior and i'll have to stay around and watch you graduate. (laughter) - yeah, i suppose so. - hey mom, would you get miss landers something kind of nice? she's not only a good teacher, she's a pretty good guy too. - you know something mom? i think the beaver is stuck on his teacher. - well, i am not, well, i was stuck on her the first year i had her. but now, i just like her like i like mom. - now, isn't that a sweet thing for you to say, beaver? - he's knows it's sweet of him too, mom, don't worry. (laughter) - i wonder what the creepy judy hensler is getting miss landers?

- i wonder if it's all right to give a teacher something to make her smell like a rose. - sure, they got as much right as anybody to smell like a rose. (laughter) - hey richard, what are you getting miss landers? - oh, i'm getting her a frog to hold down her papers. - a real frog? - nah, an iron frog, a real frog would just jump around. (laughter) (bell rings) (upbeat big band music) (door bell rings) - i forgot my key. - what are you doing home in the middle of the morning? - (exclaims) well, i left in such a hurry this morning i forgot my briefcase.

dear, now that you're home, why don't you have lunch here? - (exclaims) i'd love to dear, but fred rutherford invited me to lunch at the hampshire house. - fred rutherford, isn't that over generous of him? - well, i was on the phone to the new york office all morning and he's just anxious to find out if i learned anything special. (laughter) - well, did you? - no, but i'm not gonna tell him that until after lunch. - [mom] always teasing that poor old fred. - (exclaims) say june, did you get beaver's present for miss landers? - i just was gonna call the store. i thought some handkerchiefs would be a nice middle of the road gift. - yeah, fine. - dear, aren't you gonna kiss me good-bye? - well all right, but i've kissed you once this morning already. (laughter) (rotary dialing)

hello louise, this is june cleaver. i'm fine, thank you, say louise, i need some handkerchiefs. (exclaims) about a half of dozen. that'd be fine, (exclaims) louise, louise remember those two nylon slips i bought last week? well, would you send me another one? yes, the same size, good. (exclaims) and would you put them in separate packages? i want the handkerchiefs gift wrapped. all right, thanks so much, bye. - [wally] hi, beav. - [beaver] hi, wally. - hey, where's mom and dad? - i don't know, but breakfast was down here by itself when i came in. - and mine's is here too.

- no, it's not spooky, they probably just went upstairs to get something. - [mom] hi, boys. - [dad] hello, fellas. - hi, mom. - well, i see you found your breakfast. - yeah, where you guys been? - (exclaims) i just went upstairs to get my purse and gloves. - beaver said you guys ran off and deserted us. - i did not, i just said it was spooky. - your mother is going to take me down to the office this morning. she wants to use the car today, come on dear. - hey mom, did you get my present for miss landers? - (exclaims) yes beaver, in on the hall table. now look, i want both of you boys to finish your breakfast. and wally, would you see that this back door is locked? - dear! - mom, what is it? - beaver, you come right home after school, too. - dear, i have an appointment at the office early. - (exclaims) all right dear, all right, see you later boys. - [wally] bye, mom. - [mom] bye. - [beaver] bye, mom. - hey, where you going? - i'm gonna get my present for miss landers.

- here's the present. - it looks kind of big. - i wonder what's in there. - what difference does it make? it's supposed to be a surprise, isn't it? - it supposed to be a surprise for miss landers. it's not supposed to be a surprise for me. boy, i'd sure like to know what's in there. - well here, let me see it. i think if you slip the ribbon off this end you can open it and put it back on again. - hey wally, where'd you learn that? - at christmas time when i used to be a kid. (laughter) - whatever it is, it's pink. - yeah, it's got some kind of lace on it. (laughter)

- that's some kind of ladies underwear, isn't it? - sure, it's some kind of ladies underwear. - gee wally, i can't give miss landers underwear in front of the whole class. - well, maybe you could, you're just a little kid. - yeah, but i'm not that little a kid. (laughter) - yeah, i guess you're not. boy, it's a lucky thing you opened this. what would you have done if miss landers would have held that up in front of the whole class? - guess i would have died. (laughter) - what are you gonna do, it's the only present you got? mexico for the rest of my life. (laughter) - yeah, but you better go to school first. you don't want to go getting yourself in all kinds of trouble. - i'm just not gonna give it to her. - hey beaver, maybe you can take the card off it and give it to her anonymously. - hey wally, that's a good... nah, then i'd be the only kid without a present, and she'd know i was "unanimous".

hey wally, you drank my milk didn't you? - yeah but, i'm sorry, if i would have known this was gonna happen to ya', i wouldn't have done it.

- (exclaims) why judy, that's a lovely bottle of perfume! isn't is class? - [class] yes, miss landers. - you're only supposed to use a little at a time 'cause it's so expensive. (laughter) - well, i'll remember that, judy. - did you like my fountain pen, miss landers? - why, it's very nice, gilbert. - you can smear a whole piece of paper with butter, and then write a letter on it. - well, that's wonderful, isn't it class?

- you like my iron frog, miss landers? - i certainly do, richard. - if you don't have any papers to hold down during the summer, you can hold back doors with it. (laughter) - [miss landers] thank you, richard. - you know how to work my present, miss landers? - well, not exactly, whitey. - you put it on your head like this, (laughter) then you punch at it. (laughter) this is just so it won't hit you in the nose. of course it wouldn't hurt if it did hit you in the nose. but this is here so it won't hit you in the nose. - i see, that was very sweet of you. and i want to thank all of you for your presents. - all except beaver, he didn't bring any. - (exclaims) well, beaver gave me a very nice present,

- that wasn't a real present. that was just some old postcard somebody wrote to his mother. (gloomy music plays) - well, it's the thought that counts. and now, i have a surprise for all of you. we're all going to the cafeteria and we're gonna have ice cream and cake. (murmurs) now, come along quietly, children. - hey beav, what happened? you spend your money on candy or something? - dry up will ya', whitey? - you can't tell me to dry up, i'm your pal. - dry up anyway. (laughter) - hi, dear. - well hi, i was gonna go down to the office and pick you up and soon as i finished this. - well, fred rutherford gave me a ride home. he left the office early today. he had to stop by the doctor's to pick up his boy, lumpy.

- no, he cut his mouth playing clarinet in the school band. - [mom] well, how did he do that? - well, it seems the band was practicing for the graduation parade and they made a quick turn and lumpy marched into a brick wall. (laughter) - i supposed that could only happen to a rutherford. - any of our offspring around? - well, beaver isn't. his class is having a little party to celebrate the last day of school. - well, when i was a kid, we used to celebrate the last day of school by taking our shoes off. and we never put 'em on again for the rest of the summer. - now ward, don't you go telling the boys that kind of story. - [wally] what kind of stories, dad? - (exclaims) stories about me running around barefooted when i was a boy. - yes wally, and i don't want you doing things like that. - (exclaims) i guess that's too much fun, huh dad? - yeah, something like that. - hey, where's the beaver? - [mom] he's not home yet. - well gee, i thought he'd be home crying a long time ago. (laughter)

- (exclaims) well, well heck, i don't know. you know how kids his age are. they'll cry about a lot of stuff. (laughter) well, i gotta be going now, i'm gonna go mess around. (laughter) (slams) - ward, the way wally's talking, you think something's going on that we don't know about? - dear, when you have children, there's always something going on you don't know about. (laughter) - [mom] well, what are we gonna do about it. - there's nothing you can do. just have to sit tight and wait for the explosion. (laughter) (knocking) - come in. why theodore, i thought all you boys and girls went home. - yes, miss landers, all us boys and girls went home except for me. - well, did you want something? - well, i started to go home.

- [miss landers] well, what about? - well, that present i gave you, that was just an old postcard that somebody sent my mother. - well, it was nice of you anyway, beaver. - well, i wanted to explain why i didn't get you a real present. it's not on account that i don't like you or i'm a rat or anything. (laughter) - (exclaims) well, i know that. - well, you see, my mother was gonna buy you a present but something happened. - well, maybe your mother was busy and didn't have time to go shopping. - yeah, that's what happened, she's been busy. she's been busy being sick. - sick, is it anything serious? - (exclaims) no, it's just pneumonia. (laughter) - pneumonia? (exclaims) why beaver, that's very serious. - (exclaims) it's not the dying kind of pneumonia. it's just the kind that won't let you go shopping. (laughter) - (exclaims) that kind of pneumonia.

- (stutters) no, miss landers. miss landers, there is something else. (exclaims) - yeah, i want to tell ya' i was just making all that junk up. - well, i thought perhaps you were, beaver. - well, i got you a present and it's in my empty locker. but i was too scared to give it to you. - [miss landers] well, why beaver? - on account of it's, it's (whispers) underwear. (laughter) - [miss landers] underwear! - it's ladies kind of underwear, a slip. - a slip? - well, yeah and it's got strings and lace and gee heck, my mother bought it for you. - i guess that would have been kind of embarrassing in front of the class.

(laughter) - [miss landers] i think i understand, beaver. and don't you worry about it. and thank you very much for your postcard. - well, miss landers, that thing we're talking about, i guess it's kind of nice that my mom bought it for you and everything. it's outside in my empty locker. - well, would you like to go and get it now? - (exclaims) no, i was just thinking, after i leave the building, it wouldn't be too embarrassing for me if you went and got it. (laughter) - all right, beaver and you have a nice vacation. - thank you, miss landers, you have a nice vacation too. - ward? - yeah, i'm in here, dear. - (exclaims) ward, look, i just opened this this package from borgman's and look what i found? (laughter) - they look like handkerchiefs to me. - well, of course they're handkerchiefs. they were supposed to be gift wrapped for beaver to take to miss landers. - well beaver took a package this morning. there was one on the hall table.

what he took this morning was the slip i ordered. (laughter) - june, you mean our son went happily off to school this morning with a slip for his teacher tucked under his arm? - it was a very lovely slip. - why, i'm afraid you missed the point. can you imagine beaver's feelings when miss landers opened it in front of the whole class? (laughter) - (exclaims) dear, it must have been awful. - awful's hardly the word for it. no wonder he's late getting home. i wouldn't be surprised if he never comes back. (laughter) - but ward, he's gonna blame me for it. - hi mom, hi dad. (laughter) - (exclaims) beaver, you poor dear, you little darling. - gee mom, it's just me. - i want you to know beaver, it wasn't my fault. - no beaver, your mother got some handkerchiefs

- [mom] it was just a mistake. - yeah mom, i kept telling myself you wouldn't do this to me. now, i'm sure glad i can believe what i was saying. (laughter) - (exclaims) i'm gonna call up miss landers and i'm gonna explain the whole thing to her. - hang on, mom, well i don't want you to do that. - well, do you want me to do it? - gee dad, no, i don't want you talking underwear to my teacher either. (laughter) - well beaver, i think someone should call her up and straighten this out. - well, gee dad, me and miss landers already got it straightened out. - trying to straighten it out again just might mess it up. (laughter) - all right, beaver. well, he's got himself involved in a real mix up, didn't he? - yes, and when he left this morning, he was looking forward to a happy carefree day. - i guess it's pretty hard to have a happy carefree day when you're beaver's age. about the only way to really guarantee it is to stay away from adults.

only three places set this morning? - yes, there's no school for beaver today and he wanted to sleep. - (exclaims) well, he may as well enjoy his luxury until his final report card comes. - now ward, beaver always gets good grades in his studies. - (exclaims) i know that, it's, it's those fringe areas i'm worried about. you know, like last month he got b minus in tenacity. (laughter) - do you suppose that's good or bad? - i supposed it depends whether you're a boy or a bull dog.

(laughter) - hey, what's the idea of you just sitting there and staring at me? - i can stare at you if i wanna. - you're just doing that 'cause i gotta go to school and you don't. - that's right, it makes me feel real neat. (laughter) - okay, okay, but just wait until school starts up again, then you goto go two days before i do. i'm just gonna lie around in bed and watch you go to school. - okay you can be a rat then but i'm having fun being a rat now. - see ya' later, beav. - see ya', wally. ("the toy parade" instrumental by

we'll take her. all righty. she's only $9.95. is that cash or charge? charge. would you like it gift-wrapped? oh, yes. thank tabitha, i'm going to be right over here at the cashier's, okay? okay, mommy. my, you certainly are a lucky little g going to a birthday party. i know. have fun while you're a kid, tabitha. because when you get to be an old adult like me, you'll have all sorts of things,

kids have got it made in this uptight world. don't you lik oh, sure. but, boy, if i could be a kid again. you'd like to be a little boy? i sure would. i had more fun when i was 9 years old than i've had in all the years since. okay. then say it. say what? say, "i wish i were 9 years old again." oh, i get it. make-believe, huh? all right. i wish i were 9 years old again. [ tinkles ] that's what's so great about being a child. you have time for make-believe. make-believe? bye. thank you.

well, little boy. what are you doing behind the counter? i'm not a little boy, mr. waterman. i'm your salesman -- irving bates. okay, sonny. what's the joke? this is no joke. i was just talking to that little girl over there -- hey! she's gone! [ laughing ]

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excuse me. mr. waterman, please believe me. i'm irving bates. now, go away, little boy. madam, may i help you? our salesman seems to be hiding somewhere. but i'm your salesman! all right, sonny. obviously bates is paying you to torture me. now, where is he? i told you, i'm -- [ sighs ] okay, i'll tell you. he's over in sporting goods goofing off. excuse me. i'll get to the bottom of this. ah, here it is -- stephens. 1164 morning glory circle. westport. [ engine sputtering ]

[ doorbell rings ] coming! [ doorbell rings ] all right. hello, there. my, aren't we all dressed up this morning? that's right, and your daughter's the one who dressed me. just what exactly do you mean by that, young man? i mean i'm having a wild nightmare, and you and your daughter are in it. are you new in the neighborhood? not only am i new in the neighborhood, i'm a whole new size thanks to your daughter. what did she do? there. look familiar? irving bates. oh, now i know. the toy salesman at hanley's department store. your father? no, but you're close. it's me. oh, my stars! you better come in. tabitha!

where i end up getting married. did you want me, mommy? oh, hi, mister. do you like being a little boy again? tabitha, what happened? i just realized something. i dream in full c mr. bates -- look, this seems why don't you call me irving? okay...irving i would like to talk to tabitha for a minute, so you just keep right on dreaming. all right. if i wake up before you get back, nice meeting you. [ laughs nervously ] come with me. all right, young lady. you know you're not supposed to do things like that. you change him back immediately. but irving said it would be fun to be a little boy again. that doesn't mean he expected it to happen. now, go ahead. okay.

tabitha, you're not trying. yes, i am, mommy. you wait here. irving, little boys do not play with matches. i'm not a little boy. i'm just having a dream. [ sighs ] irving... i don't know how to tell you this... except to come right out and tell you this. tell me what? you're not dreaming. oh, come on. what do you call it when a full-grown man suddenly finds himself turned into a 9-year-old boy? well, there is a name for it. what are you talking about? how does the word "witchcraft" hit you? you're pulling my leg.

you see, i am a witch. so is tabitha. well, i won't hold that against you. i'm a liberal. what am i saying? there's no such thing as witches. then how do you explain your second childhood? well, i can explain that. i'd better call the cops. irving, do you really think they're gonna believe you? why, of course. they can see for themselves. you're right. i don't believe me. i'll think of something. just try to be patient. patient?! you forget. i'm on the "missing" list. my boss is looking for me, and -- check that. i'm sure to be fired by now. i was supposed to meet my girl for lunch two hours ago! i'll bet she's furious. you'd better talk to her. tell her you're a friend of the family. her name's ruthie. hello. is -- is this ruthie?

well, i'm calling for irving, and he's sorry he couldn't make lunch today. who is this? this is a friend of the family. and irving wanted you to know that he's a little under the weather. oh. and why didn't he call me himself? well, because at the moment, he's... not quite up to i and are you nursing him back to health? yes -- i-i mean no. we're just good friends. well, you can tell mr. irving bates that he's stood me up for the last time, and you can also tell him that he's a pretty small person. but, ruthie! but, ru-- what happened? she hung up. swell. i've lost my girl and my job. if this isn't a nightmare, i'd better stay a little boy. oh, now, don't you worry, irving. we'll get you out of this mess.

irving, that's my husband. you just pretend you're a friend of tabitha's. isn't she a little young for me? just do as i say. what if i don't want to? you see that? [ ding! ] no wonder you witches had so much trouble in salem. [ ding! ] now, you just do as i say, and we'll tend to your problem later. right, tabitha? yes, mommy. hi, sweetheart! how was the game? great. hi, tabitha. daddy, this is my new friend, mr. bates. uh, she means irving. they were playing grown-ups. hi, irving. hello. hey, feel that muscle. i bet you like football, don't you, fella? did you have to do that? do what? this. irving, please.

tabitha, why don't you and irving go and play on the patio? okay, mommy. you'd like that, wouldn't you, irving? all right. i'll play with the kid. what have i got to lose? what has he got to lose? well, he already lost his... uh, marbles. he doesn't want to lose anything else. tabitha, would you like me to stay aroun and be your big brother? we could have fun all the time. mm-hmm. well, then, why don't you just... forget about trying to change me back. okay. it might be fun starting out all over again,

there. everything okay?

how about a punch in the nose? i'll drink the milk. all right, sam. now, then. you were going to tell me something about this youngster? the name's irving, fella. irving, in this house, little boys and girls speak to adults with respect. now, how old is he? he's older than he looks. i'm 32. look, irving, i wasn't talking to you. i was -- what did he say? i think he said he was 32. sam, what's going on here? i'm glad you asked that, sweetheart. please, samantha. it's my story. let me. this is the story of irving and tabitha. see irving. see tabitha. see irving sell toys. see tabitha go... see irving go -- [ clicks tongue ]

[ laughs ] you mean tabitha changed a 32-year-old man into this little boy? you go to the head of the class, buster. now, look, sonny -- i mean fella. hit me! i took karate! ha! cha! unh! no one's gonna hit anybody. get down off that chair. now, tabitha, how could you do such a thing? like this, daddy. never mind. sam, why doesn't she change him back? well, she's working on it, but it isn't working. what are we gonna do with him? well, now, sweetheart, don't worry. she'll change him back, and... well, if she can't -- let's look at the bright side. how many people get a second chance in life? irving has a great opportunity. he can grow up all over again. but where? where would he grow up all over again?

that's right, dad. please don't call me that. just think of the plus side, darrin. you'll get another deduction. samantha, i would like to speak to you in the living room privately. when? now. oh. sam, do something. there is one possible solution. what's that? dr. bombay. under these circum i'd even accept help from that quack. oh, now, darrin he's the best witch doctor we have. i wish you wouldn't call him that. calling dr. bombay. calling dr. bombay. emergency. come right away. [ ding! ] how dare you interrupt my antarctic rounds. don't look at me. that'll be a pleasure. dr. bombay, i'm sorry to call you on such short notice, but you are the family physician.

but the patient will just have to wait. was it serious? oh, quite. i was doing a nose job on a penguin. [ laughs ] what's the earth-shattering problem this time? irving, tabitha. would you come here, please? dr. bombay, until this morning, this little boy was known as mr. irving bates, a 32-year-old man. tabitha sort of... shrunk him. now, she can't un-shrink him. frankly, i'd just as soon remain shrunk. who's the ding-a-ling in the parka? samantha: irving! just show the doctor your driver's license. here, see? that's what he looked like this morning. oh, yeah? oh. [ laughs ] yes. i can see why he wants to remain shrunk. [ laughs ] yes. if i were you, i'd want to remain a chil for as long as possible.

doctor, just save your bedside manner for the penguin. we need your help. very well. to work, to work, to work. now, we, uh, we have a depressing situation here, so i'll need this. eye of squid, grinding stone, make this kid fully grown. [ ding! ] nothing happened. well, when that incantation fails, it can only mean one thing. samantha, i'd like a private consultation with you. do you have any pickled herring about? i think so. come on, irving why didn't it work? obviously, resistance from the two principals -- tabitha and the boy. first, there's irving's desire to remain a child, and no doubt tabitha enjoys having another playmate. subconsciously, she's holding back. ah. then what i have to do

brilliant prognosis. i almost feel like splitting my fee with you. thank you, doctor. [ chuckles ] i said "almost." here's the herring. what do you want it for? the penguin owes me 500 fish for her nose job, and i haven't a bit of "small" change. [ laughs ] [ ding! ] before you say anything, i think the problem of irving bates is solved. oh? yes. well, it's obvious that irving is enjoying being 9 years old again. i can think of some ways to change his mind. i know exactly how to change his mind. sure, i'd like to see ruthie again. just for my memory book. where does she work? down on 58th street at the drucker travel bureau. why? [ ding! ] [ ding! ] how did we do tha huh? never mind.

hey, ruthie, it's me! yes, sonny. may i help you? um, no. i was just browsing. ruthie sure is pretty. yeah. she sure does look nice. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] [ slow jazz plays ] miss campbell. yes? ruthie, what are you doing this evening? nothing, mr. drucker. do you have any extra work you'd like me to do tonight? no, i would like yo why, that old fink. soft lights and sweet music. oh, ruthie, i'm crazy about you.

i never knew you felt this way. neither did i. it just hit me like a ton of bricks. it must have been building up for years. you're married. what about your wife? try to forget about her. i already have. well, i'm already spoken for. you mean that schnook irving bates? yes, i mean that sch-- i mean irving bates. well, i'll make you forget him. all right, casanova. you asked for it! ha! cha! ow! ooh! why, you little! [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] ruthie... i-i mean, miss campbell, i don't know what happened. i'm very sorry. must be that stuff i'm taking for iron-poor blood. uh, i'll have to go out and get something cold to drink. oh, thanks, little boy.

you're welcome. i mean it. that was really brave. uh, sweetie, i wish i had more time for some more hugging and kissing, but there's something very important i have to tend to. my, how mature we are for such a little man. honey, you have no idea. um, so i'd better go. bye. bye. [ ding! ]

but irving wanted to be a little boy. irving only thought he wanted to be a little boy. you see, honey, people sometimes wish for things they don't really want simply because they know their wish can't possibly come true.

there was a lot right about it, too, like ruthie. don't you think it's time you changed him back? okay, mommy. [ tinkles ] hey, i'm -- i'm me again. that's right. you're good as new. fit as a fiddle and ready for ruthie. samantha, would you do me a favor? if i can. oh, you can do this would you zonk me to ruthie on one of your non-scheduled flights? uh, would you mind, sweetheart? mind? if i could do it, i'd do it myself. okay. before i go, i want you all to know it's been some kind of an experience knowing you. i mean, i've met a real witch, and if i tell anybody, they'll put me in a real straitjacket. and, tabitha, being a kid again has sure helped me to grow up. okay. i'm ready for my flight. fine.

you will be flying at an altitude of -- sam. hmm. [ ding! ] bye-bye, mr. bates! oh, sweetheart. aren't you proud of our daughter? if it hadn't been for her, irving and ruthie would never have had the chance to be as happy as we are. this is happy? what would you call it? happy! happy! [ laughs ] -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com darrin? darrin: i'm on the phone. larry, i've got can it wait till i get to the office? goodbye. haven't you got time for breakfast? no, i'm late already. i better go. what did larry want? well, some college kid who was thinking about a career in advertising is coming to the office to observe. as if i don't have enough of a work load, guess who larry's assigned the kid to? why'd he have to call you at home to tell you that? oh, he figures if i'm gonna get mad, do it on my own time.

i think it's very decent of larry to show an interest in a young college person. yeah, especially one whose father happens to be an important client. aha! i better get going. take good care of that college girl. did i say it was a girl? no, but you didn't say it was a he, so i figured it must be a she. oh. bye. serena! [ ding! ] hi, auntie. what's going down? little cousin got a problem? not yet, but i'm working on it. how are you at love spells? to be perfectly frank, terrific. in that case, serena, how would you like to have some fun with dum-dum? oh, endora, why me?

and you know i ha so you butt in. oh, endora, you're positively evil! i know. isn't it divine? [ laughs ] [ sniffles ]

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[ buzzes ] woman: mr. stephens? ms. harrison is here. show her in. thank you. how do you do? i'm dusty harrison. well, i'm darrin stephens. nice to meet you. please sit down. thank you. ah, yes. i certainly do appreciate you taking the time to orient me to the world of advertising. oh, it's my pleasure. i have a storyboard to check over. you might like to look at that. yes, yes. i think i might. i'm rather proud of this one. it's for a tv commercial. the product is hilgreen coffee, and the hero is a cranky coffeepot.

the lady of the house puts a new coffee in the pot. now he begins to smile, and now he's chuckling, and then we see it's hilgreen coffee. well, what do you think of it? it's childish. no, no, be honest. what do you mean, "childish"? it implies that you can get happiness in a can of coffee when it doesn't say [ ding! ] have you ever tasted this coffee? go ahead. put the spell on her. i still don't see why i have to do your dirty work. because when i make a promise not to interfere, i never interfere. but that doesn't mean you can't interfere. so start interfering. hmm. let this chick by love be dazed when on this mortal she doth gaze. ...you're in a position to criticize.

what is it? hmm? is something wrong? oh, no. far from it. what are you smiling about? i don't know. i-i guess your enthusiasm is contagious. anything wrong of course not. i think it's beautiful. isn't it funny? when i first came in here, i thought, "wow, this is gonna be a drag." [ chuckles ] you did? but you have such a wonderful manner. i-i do? i know this is gonna be a marvelous experience...darrin. yes, it is, uh, dusty. [ ding! ] let's go. no! i want to stick around and see how it comes out. if you don't know that, you're not much of a witch. oh. [ ding! ]

is there anything i can do? uh, not really. oh, but i'd love to help. well, as a matter of fact, those pencils need sharpening. there's a sharpener on the drafting table. yes, sir -- darrin. uh, how would you like to go on an errand for me? oh, i'd love to, especially if you come with me. no, i think you can handle this by yourself. nice. nice and sharp. i want you to go shopping and see if you can find a coffeepot that knows its own mind -- an aggressive, clear-thinking coffeepot. right. i'll do it as fast as i can and be right back. no, no, no. take your time. buy a half a dozen if you have to. comb the city, but take all the time you need.

and i won't fail you, darrin. hmm. hi. hi, honey. how was your da well, it wasn't a bad day. it wasn't a good day. as a matter of fact, it wasn't a bad day. that bad, huh? what happened? the client's daughter happened. oh, w-what's she like? she's just your average know-it-all college a little on the plain side, studious, dedicated, you know. yes. [ doorbell rings ] i'll get it. hi. hi. you must be mrs. stephens. i'm dusty. you don't look it. [ laughs ] yes, um, i'm mrs. stephens. come on in.

it's your average, know-it-all college kid -- a little on the plain side, dedicated, studious, wearing a miniskirt and a great big smile. oh, hi. well, hi. you've -- you've changed. oh, i usually do when i'm going out. your coffeepots oh, well, thanks. you shouldn't have bothered. well, i was glad to do it, darrin. well, can i fix you something? coffee, ginger ale, root beer? when you get to "martini," stop. well, uh, come on in. well, uh, make yourself comfortable.

sam, suppose you can fix some cheese and crackers or a snack or something like that? how about giving me a quarter? i'll go to the movies. sweetheart, don't you think it would have been nice if you'd have asked dusty to stay for dinner? i'll admit, she looked hungry. oh, come on, sam. she's just a very naive kid. but she certainly does have enthusiasm. and it's very well distributed. darrin, how come you didn't mention the fact that she obviously has a violent crush on you? you really think so? yes. [ mockingly ] i really think so. maybe i could talk larry into assigning dusty to someone else. don't be ridiculous. you're right. do you think that silly little girl

well... for one moment maybe. i'll talk to larry in the morning.

lot of times, being a teenager means living with labels. you know, like the ones other people give you. and the ones you give yourself. but what happens when you're labeled as someone you're t? "stop!" wearing a label you don't want... or find yourself labeling other people? it can be so frustrating... sad...lonely. if you're feeling overwhelmed by problems at school... "watch it!" at home, or anywhere else, you don't need labels. you need people who will listen. who can help you take control, help you heal, help you win. you need to call the girls and boys town national hotline. (tdd# 1-800-448-1433)

with help and hope when you need it most. the girls and boys town national hotline. change your label. change your life. help is just a phone call away. actually, i felt this would be better coming from mr. tate, but, well, he didn't agree. uh, ms. harrison -- ah, you promised to call me dusty. okay. dusty. [ inhales deeply ] i feel it would be better if you were assigned to one of the other men. you mean you don't want me around? no, no, no. it's not that. it's just that i think it would be safer. i mean wiser. [ whimpers ] oh, please, no. don't do that. oh, now, now, now. look, this isn' please try to understand, dusty.

[ cries ] after all, you came here to learn something, didn't you? and then dusty ran hysterically home and cried her heart out to her father, who obviously thinks i've led her on. now i'm public enemy number one with larry and harrison. if i didn't know be i'd say there was a spell on dusty. what do you mean, "if you didn't know better"? mother gave her witch's honor she wouldn't interfere. her witch's what? her witch's honor, and she wouldn't dare break it. of course there is the possibility she got someone els but who? who else? my cousin, the love goddess. you know what i better do? call harrison and straighten things out with him. i'll get his number from the office. serena. serena. serena!

go pollinate something. "am on cloud 9. can't come right now -- serena." oh, serena, you're not gonna get away with it that easily. darrin? darrin: yeah? do you mind if i go out for a little while? esmeralda's upstairs with the kids. i won't be long. okay. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] you see what's happened to your cousin as a result of living in the mortal world? she's getting to be almost as dumb as he is. [ laughs ] now, do your thing. [ ding! ]

thank you, mums. [ laughs ] oh. [ clears throat ] [ imitating samantha ] darrin. yeah? i thought you left. i changed my mind. you know, it just occurred to me. instead of talking to harrison on the phone, why not invite hi you mean here? well, sure. that way he can see how much in love and how happily married we are. samantha, th and the way he's building up a head of steam, the sooner the better. i'll ask him to come over as soon as possible. ah, mr. harrison, i really appreciate your coming over. uh, i know it's an imposition, but i have my reasons for wanting to talk to you here. let's get on with it. oh, of course.

this is my wife, samantha. mr. harrison. how do you do? how do you do? uh, please sit down. oh, okay. if you've got something to say, let's hear it. i've got quite a few things to say to you. okay. mr. harrison, look around here. what do you see? a very nice home and a very lovely wife. thank you. exactly. which should prove to you that i'm a happily married man and very much in love. and i swear to you, i have not given your daughter one bit of encouragement. i can't swallow that. dusty's always been a very level-headed girl and yet you expect me to believe that she could fall in love with a married man that she's known for little over a day without any encouragement. i suppose that sounds fishy to you, but -- it sounds a little fishy to me, too.

i mean, from mr. harrison's point of view. oh. samantha, would you just, uh, sit there and listen? certainly, sweetheart. now, then, uh... w-would this bother you, mrs. stephens? not in the least. [ doorbell rings ] oh, excuse me. i'll get it. may i? hmm? daddy, i couldn't believe it when your office told me where you'd gone. why are you trying to humiliate me?! dusty, just take it easy and relax. when are you going to stop treating me when you start acting like an adult. i'm trying to act like an adult, but you won't let me. i think i better take you home. no, i want to have this out.

darrin: yeah, will you stop it? i don't care. i love him. he's already married, you silly little nincompoop! that's right. i'm married, you nincompoop. you called me a nincompoop! yeah, but so did your father. [ whimpers ] oh, dusty. you ought to let me take you home, honey. if you don't stay out of this, i'm never going to speak to you again. [ cries ] please stop that, dusty. will you cut that out? hey, mrs. stephens, i don't even know how to apologize. oh, that's okay. i'm used to it. you mean -- why don't you walk me out on the patio, and i'll fill you in. but we won't be able to keep an eye on them. and they won't be able to keep an eye on us. get it? [ ding! ] [ dusty sobs ] just calm down, dusty. why are you so mean to me?

i am not available! if your wife cares so much for you, then why is she out on the patio with my father?! well, i don't know. [ ding! ] i still think we ought to go inside and see what's happening. forget about them. let's talk about us. [ ding! ] well, i still think -- it figures. mother got you to do her dirty work. [ normal voice ] cool it, coz. we only did it for you. mortal men being what they are, we thought a simple spell -- a certain test of infidelity was in order. [ laughs ] i don't have to put darrin through any test. and if you don't remove that spell, cousin, you are going to be an ex-cousin. i guess you just don't know what it's like to be in love with somebody who doesn't even c that's not true! aah! darrin, are you hurt? are you all right? no, i'm fine. okay, okay. but you're making a national case out of nothing that's a federal case. and hurry up. i'm fine. just calm down. i'm fine.

aah! spoilsport. [ ding! ] ought to go in. [ dusty screams ] you animal! what are you doing?! take your hands off her, stephens! i have had enough of this whole filthy farce! and i've had enough of your pawing. and i've heard enough of your explanations, you ph well, just what are you gonna do about it? i'm gonna bust you right in the bazoo. you and who else? [ tinkles ] oh. [ gong! ] ow! yeah, had enough? try one here. [ tinkles ] [ gong! ] ooh! what did you do to my father, you brute?! oh, nothing i -- i have a good mind to slap your face.

[ grunts ] come along, father. gladly. this place is crazy. and don't forget, you owe me for five coffeepots! [ door slams ] why'd you let her hit me? after all she'd been through, i felt it was the least i could do for her. well. still hurts.

light to heavy snow covered most of the eastern seaboard today. storm warnings are up from cape hatteras to the gulf coast. the low for the day was recorded at rocky point, montana, with a temperature of 20 degrees below zero. you didn't even touch your lamb chops.

well, maybe -- maybe harrison will change his mind about canceling his account. do you really believe that? no. but i hate to see those chops go to waste. i don't know what i'm gonna tell larry, if he's still speaking to me. if he isn't, you don't have to tell him anyt shh. sam, listen. he is 52-year-old john j. harrison, head of harrison industries, who was charged with embezzlement and three c is that the same harrison? of course. a committee of university professors is meeting with presidential advisors to discuss ma i knew it all the time. i knew he was in trouble. i had a feeling in my bones. that's why i drove him to the point where he pulled his account. boy, are we lucky we're not associated with him anymore. darrin. if i do say so myself, my timing was beautiful. darrin, do you really believe any of that? no. then why are you saying it?

how's it sound? ridiculous. well, there's no other earthly explanation, is there? no, you're right. there is no other earthly explanation. [ laughs ] you sly dog. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac. [ ] two, three... mmm. would you like a ham on rye? no. i'm not programmed to eat for another 15 minutes. forgot the mustard again. mmm! hey, look at this. pardon my glove. oh, thanks. what are you doing, master?

this is a heat test chamber, jeannie. we're trying to find out how much heat a human body can stand. you're not supposed to eat that. excuse me, jack. how long have they been in there? four hours and 30 minutes, dr. bellows. oh, that's enough. yes, sir. this is the first good steam bath i've had in months. if you enjoy this, master, you can do it in your very own living room. goodbye. oh, very well. i will see you at dinner. ah. how are you feeling, major nelson? fine. good. fine. and you, major healey? well, the sandwich was a little dry. sandwich? the tube sandwich with the, uh-- oh, yes. we're assigning you to a special mission, major nelson. oh, the apollo project, sir? i, uh... [chuckles] no, uh, not quite. nasa has approved of making the documentary film, and, uh, they're going to bring in a movie expert from hollywood.