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i finally fixed the toilet in 301. boy, what a job. oh, stanley, i adore you! it's only a toilet. my heart is still pounding. oh, you incredible man!

to the little old plunger here. oh, stanley, don't... don't close the door. the paint fumes make me sick. that's a switch. usually, you say that about me. oh, don't go away. i want you to come sit down here. i want you to read something. here. here, stanley. read that. "dear passion puss... "last night, when our lips met in mad embrace "holding you close to me feeling every curve of your body..." this is disgusting. what kind of sicko would write an obscene letter like this? you wrote it. freaks like this should be put away. i wrote it? that's right. when?

hi. oh! oh, oh, janet? janet, wait! hey! hey! could you come in here just a minute? yeah, just for a second. oh, hi, mr. roper. hi. janet, we're having the apartment painted as you can see. and, well, paint fumes make me sick. i was just wondering... could i, just for tonight... could i sleep on your couch? well, sure, you can. could you make it after 11:00, though? i have a guest coming. oh... man or woman? man. oh, hey, hey. and...? and... it's strictly business. oh, sorry. you're sorry? oh! see you later. okay. thanks a lot, janet. you're welcome. helen, did i hear right? you're not sleeping in our bed tonight? well, it's only for one night, stanley. i tell you what... make a game of it.

hey, jack, do i look okay? everything seems to be there. thanks. i'm going to a beach barbecue. i can see what's going to heat up the coals. oh, boy! boy, am i glad that you are both home. not for long. what? we're both going out. no, no, no, no, no, no, you can't! why not? i have a date coming tonight. i need your help with him. what do you want us to do-- hold him down while you have your way with him? cute, cute. listen, this is not romantic. it's strictly business. he's the new assistant manager for the new carlisle hotel. so? so this is the guy who orders all the flowers for the rooms, lobbies, restaurants-- the whole thing.

yeah, i thought of that. aw, you got my idea before i did. that's why i invited him over tonight. i want to get this account. have you been out with him before? no, i've never met him. we've only talked on the telephone. you've been out with lots of guys. you never needed our help before. yeah, well, i can handle wise guys and wolves but an old, dull businessman? i mean, i just can't cope. i'll clam up. so, will you help me? i'd like to, but i've got a date with sexy debbie tonight. yeah, i've got this beach barbecue... oh, please, please! have i ever asked you to do me a favor before? yes. yes. oh. well, then, i'm asking you again. look, if you'll do this favor for me i'll do all the cooking for a month. don't threaten us, janet. oh, please, please! come on. look, you don't have to stay all evening.

till the ice gets broken and then you could go. how about that? sure. we'll stay for a little while. okay, thank you. i'll get the refreshments started. ( doorbell rings ) oh, no, that's him. jack, you talk to him about sports and things. sports. okay. chrissy, sweetheart talk to him about current events. uh... right. wrong. no. uh... uh... chrissy you talk to him about anything that you have read in the paper lately, okay? you know, kind of flatter him play up to him. the whole bit. jack, here. take this, please. all right, guys, we're on. oh, hello. hi. i'm barry gates. you're barry gates? yeah... yeah. and you're, um... very pleased to meet you. um... excuse me. i'm janet wood. how do you do, barry gates? it is such a pleasure to meet you in person. i just can't tell you.

i'd really like for you to meet some of my friends. you're barry gates. well, this is, uh... this, uh... you... jack. oh... jack! jack tripper. oh... here. glad to meet you. yeah, really. oh, this is chrissy snow. it's nice to meet you. well, hello, chrissy snow. well, this is a terrific game. who gets it now? oh, i'm sorry. i'll take that, barry. ( laughing loudly ) "who gets it now?" you have a terrific sense of humor, barry. and you have a terrific everything, chrissy. "who gets it now?" i love that. uh... uh... chrissy, sweetheart could you help me out with this in the kitchen? oh, thanks, honey.

oh, i won't say anything until you get back. uh... chrissy, honey you know, i was just thinking... it is just so unfair of me to force you to stay here. oh, i don't mind. oh, chrissy, that's so sweet of you but i know you'd like to be at the beach having a good time. i'm having a good time. no, you're not. i'm not? no, of course not. you would rather be down at the beach having a wonderful barbecue with all your friends. if you will just ask jack to step in here on the way out... okay. thank you. ooh! i can't believe it! chrissy said you wanted to see me. oh, yeah, jack, i did. here, let me help you with that. oh, well, thank you. say, jack, is debbie that really good-looking blonde? uh-uh. that's tina. debbie is the brunette. she's the one who looks like she's always taking a deep breath. oh. well, good.

why don't you go ahead and go to debbie? i just feel awful keeping you from her. yeah, barry is pretty good-looking, isn't he? well, let's don't keep debbie waiting. right. right. and speaking of current events did you read the big news in the paper this morning? the may company is having a huge sale on pantyhose. excuse me, chrissy. uh... that's not exactly a current event. it is so! it's going on right now. you know, chrissy you have a lovely smile. oh, thank you. this will break your heart, but i have to go. i thought this was just going to be another dull evening but... i was going to tell a great joke about two old maids and a folding bed but i'm sure you've heard it. ...find a beautiful girl like you with such a wonderful sense of humor. oh, please, i'm supposed to be flattering you.

don't get up. i know my way out. oh, here we are. thank you, jean. oh. it's janet. hmm? my name is janet. oh, of course. you know, your roommate is something else. oh, well, barry... i am so glad that you like her... really. and isn't it a shame that she has to be leaving? i know how anxious you are to get to that beach barbecue. and, of course, barry is very anxious to get right down to business so if you will just say good night, chrissy. actually, there really isn't that much to talk about. in fact, i'd sign the order a lot faster if somebody would invite me to a nice beach barbecue. really? did you hear that? i heard that, chrissy. i don't think anyone would mind. chrissy, sweetheart... one more potato, one more hamburger. excuse me, chrissy.

let's go. so, jenny... yeah. you write up a big, fat order and add on 50 dozen extra chrissyanthemums. you mean "chrysanthemums." no, i mean "chrissyanthemums." "chrissyanthemums!" isn't that cute? do you know how to get to the beach? oh, just show me the way. the long way. ( giggling ) ( mocking chrissy's giggling ) "isn't that cute?"

hi. you're still up, huh? oh, am i? yeah, i noticed right away. if you weren't up, you'd be in the bedroom.

is that the sort of witty remark you've been practicing on barry this evening? no, we didn't do much talking. i'll bet. we did a lot of singing and dancing though. oh? did barry stay with you at the barbecue? oh, yeah. a lot of girls were really coming on to barry but i thought of you and i wouldn't let him out of my sight. thank you. oh, don't mention it. boy, it was a terrific barbecue. you should have been there. oh, no, no. i probably would just have gotten in the way. oh, no, you wouldn't. it was terrific. chrissy... barry thought it was terrific. could you please stop saying "terrific"? oh, sorry. anyway, i did my bit with barry, too. terrific. he is going to order another 50 dozen chrissyanthemums. ( laughing )

cute? yes, yes, that's exactly the word for it-- cute. you're very cute, chrissy. janet, are you mad at something? ha! did jack do something? jack? did jack do something? what is it? what's the matter then? you are sleeping on the couch tonight-- that's what's the matter. what?! janet! hi. janet! what's going on? will you talk to her, please? about what? ask her. janet? that's right, jack. that's right. take her side. what side? what is going on here? we're having an argument. about what? i don't know. she won't tell me. you're sleeping on the couch? my father always said, "never sleep with someone who doesn't like you."

look, why don't we all talk this over? 'cause i don't know what we'd be talking over. well, let's talk it over till we find out what it is. look, my wise old grandfather always said "whenever you have a disagreement always be willing to talk things over." well, don't tell me, tell her. janet. what do you want? oh, well, it's just that my wise old grandfather always said, "never go to bed angry..." jack, tell your wise old grandfather to mind his own business. now janet is that...? chrissy, you'll listen to my wise old grandfather, won't you? oh, forget it, jack. now i know why my wise old grandfather always had such a flat nose. hey, look, this isn't my fight.

( gasps ) well, stanley... there's a lot of banging going on up there. what do you think they're doing? i don't know but i can't wait to find out. helen, helen, i don't like the sound of it. maybe you'd better not sleep up there after all. would you care to make me an offer i can't refuse? come on. oh, i couldn't sleep down here anyway, stanley. the smell of that paint makes me sick. why don't you stuff cotton up your nose?

janet. what? what? hey! shh. it's all right. it's just time you and i got on the same wavelength. get off my bed. shh. trust me. i don't mean that. i just want to talk. well, about what? about us. get off my bed. i mean about all of us. you and chrissy in particular. i want my two best friends to act like two best friends. did chrissy send you in here? no. she's behaving as stupidly as you are. get off my bed! it's about barry, isn't it? oh. yeah. i thought so. listen to me-- i can understand how come you're so mixed up. you expected him to be a tired, old, dull businessman and he shows up, he's pretty good-looking-- all of a sudden he turns into a guy, not an account, huh? yeah, yeah, jack, yeah.

now, janet, come on. you know chrissy doesn't turn it on. with her, it's like old faithful-- it just spouts whether you want it to or not. well, she didn't have to spout on my parade. come on, this fight is all wrong. look, you're unhappy. you've made chrissy unhappy. she's out there right now worrying and tossing and turning. ( knocking ) chrissy, you shouldn't leave your door unlocked like that. hi, mrs. roper. oh, hey, janet said i could sleep here tonight. oh, yeah. hey, what was all that banging up here? oh, i wish i knew. all i know is that i don't know what's happening. i'm sleeping on the couch because janet and i aren't speaking. it's weird. downstairs we call it marriage.

instead of on the couch? oh, no, dear, not at all. oh, chrissy chrissy, i forgot, i'm out of night cream. could i borrow yours? oh, gee, i'm sorry i don't put anything on my face when i go to bed. that's a terrible thing to say to someone my age. jack, no, i just can't. jack: will you stop saying no? i want you to do it. mrs. roper? oh, oh, chrissy... i-i... i don't think there's room for me in there. did janet say no? well, well, well... she has some nerve. mrs. roper, i pay my share of the rent and if my bed is going to be empty tonight

i don't think you understand, chrissy. what, janet didn't say no? w.... well, yes, she... she did say no but, well, not to me. to who then? well, i don't know his name. i mean... oh, to who... oh, no, no, no. no, chrissy, there's nobody in there. so... that's why she didn't want me in our bedroom. oh, no, chrissy. come on, janet, be nice. so this is what goes on under my nose behind my back. chrissy, i'm glad you're here. come over here. what?! come over here and join us. that is disgusting! you're... you're deprived! deprived? deprived? chrissy!

all i was doing was trying to persuade janet she was wrong about you. oh, yeah? well, how about persuading her that's she's all wrong about me? i think that's what he just said. well, it's about time. well, all right then i accept your apology. what?! what do you mean, "what?" you accept my apology? all right, girls. let's settle this right now. i can't wait to see how it comes out. chrissy, were you trying to steal barry away from janet? of course not. you heard her. you heard her ask me to be nice to him

do you recall that, janet? well... i guess. and, chrissy, do you honestly think that after the friendship we three have shared that janet and i would even think of trying any hanky-panky together? well... no. that was the scary question. don't you two have something to say to each other? oh, chrissy, i am sorry. see, i... barry was really a surprise to me, man. and i'll tell you, when i saw him i was really hoping he'd go for me. then when he didn't i just kidded myself that you were making a play for him. oh. it's real easy to get the wrong idea, isn't it?

i'm sorry, too, janet. me too, chrissy. aw... excuse me. don't i get anything out of this? okay. oh, don't stop. don't stop. boy, i'm tired. oh, me too. let's hit the hay. this jealousy business really wears you out, doesn't it? yeah. oh, hey, kids is it okay if i take a bath before i go to bed? well, sure, go right ahead. good night. good night, jack. thank god. at least now we can all get some sleep. yeah. ( water running ) helen ( singing off-key ): in a little spanish town 'twas on a night like this stars were peekabooing down 'twas on a night like this

and i sighed, si, si... three's company was videotaped in front of a studio audience. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is n take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again

down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous